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I haven't spent such a good night in... it feels like ages. Six months with nights full of real physical pain. One month with nights only worrying about Audrey. And three more weeks with constant nightmares, after the immediate danger had been gone and the subconsciousness had taken over.
I don't know how often she had to wake me up tonight, but it seems like she always managed to do it just in time, before the pictures got really bad. I guess some times I even got back to sleep without really waking up or opening my eyes.
I am not tired any more. I'm well rested. I'm not haunted by the last picture of the last horrible nightmare. For the first time in... it feels like ages.
But that's not even the best thing.
When I woke, just a few moments ago - I found her lying in bed, with me. I don't know when or how that happened. Must have been her decision, at some point in the night. I'm lying underneath the blanket and she's lying on top of it, but right at my side... the tiny bed didn't leave that much space. She just had to come close.
She must be freezing, sleeping here without a blanket. I take my end of it and put it over her. She's so slim that it doesn't even matter that she's lying on top of one half of the blanket, it still fully covers her body. But my moves make her wake up.
I guess she doesn't quite believe it herself where she ended up that night.
Good morning, I quietly say to her, smiling.
I'm so glad that she smiles back. She doesn't seem to regret her decision.
Thanks for... doing what you did.
Her smile even gets bigger.
Do you want some breakfast?, I ask her. She nods yes and I leave her back alone in my bed, cradled into my blanket. Not that I want to leave her - if it was only my choice, I'd stay there and hold her forever. But we're not there yet. I'm already so happy that she came over... that she stayed with me... that she got that close. I will not ruin it by going too fast.
Today I'm loaded with a thousand volts of energy. I jump down the stairs, taking three steps at a time, to the kitchen on the base floor to get our breakfast.
For the first time at all, we have breakfast it in my room. Everything is familiar, but different, at the same time. Strange. Interesting.
I'm not sure what to do. Will she stay over here, with me? I don't think so. But if I don't fuck things up again, I guess she'll come back tonight.
Finally, I found the key to her: showing her that I'm just as messed up as she is. I concealed it and hid it from her, because I thought all the time that it would make her nervous, to be 'protected' by somebody who might not even be up to it. I tried to play a role, all the time. Be strong. Never show her that I can break as well. Never show her that I'm not well.
Bullshit. I should have known better. I should have been honest, to myself and to her. I'm just a messed up human being. We went through the same things, partly even together. We share the same scars on our bodies. How could I only hide mine from her and at the same time believe she'd show me hers.
My cheerful mood continues into the day. I have the feeling that she eats more today, her appetite seems to grow quickly. Mine as well, since I'm not tormented by a headache today.
We have our usual forenoon stroll through the garden in the inner yard of the building. Today she grabs my arm again, but not for support. As we walk, she's leaning against my side. I put my arm around her, and she's okay with it. The day gets better and better.
We end our usual walk - already a little later than on the days before, and I walk with her, up the stairs to the corridor where our rooms are. I can't lead her back to my room, no. Heavy heartedly I bring her over to her own door, where I let go of her for the first time after a real while.
She looks happy, as she walks in and turns back to me before she finally closes the door behind her. I am happy. That's a rare feeling.
It stays throughout the whole day. We have dinner, in my room again. Candlelight dinner. Well, getting two candles and switching off the light was an easy exercise around here, in the convent. It's somehow romantic - which bothers me for a moment - but Audrey seems to like it. She's open for changes, it seems. She is ready to break her daily routine that gave her stability in the past weeks.
I haven't talked that much in ages. I tell her about my nightly trip to the city center, two days ago. She listens closely an aside of nodding and shaking her head, she also found a third option to communicate with me: smiling. Some times it's even accompanied by a laughter - it comes so naturally. When she hears herself, her voice, for the first time, laughing, she almost startles.
I come back from the kitchen, from bringing the plates and the tray back, but she's not in my room anymore... Does she not want to stay, like yesterday? A cold shiver grabs me and shakes me, until I hear her open up the door to my room again, coming back in.
She only went to get her pillow and her blanket. Looks like she's gonna stay.
I can't put it into words how happy I am right now. Our lives could continue like this, forever.
Lying down with her is even better. One of the candles is still burning, now on the bedside table. I'll leave it on, that way I can see her face, next to mine, whenever I open up my eyes.
It's hard to fall asleep today. Not because of the nightmares, no. Not because of not being tired - I am. But I can't fall asleep. I want to savor this moment forever.
She's lying right next to me, having snuggled up to me. It's an old, tiny bed for one that we're sleeping in right now, so we have to be close anyway.
She looks happy, I can read that from her face. Her eyes are closed, probably she already fell asleep some minutes ago. She's a light sleeper... has always been. She'll notice it, when things come haunting me again.
Five more minutes I am at odds whether I should kiss her good night or not. Too intrusive. Too personal. Too soon. Too... fuck it. Just do it.
I place a soft kiss on her forehead, right beneath her hairline and murmur good night. Now that concludes the first perfect day.