The rocking stopped. The water must be calm. The spinnaker must be up again since the boat doesn't bank at all.
I drift between being awake and being asleep. Takes me a few minutes to realize that I'm wrong. We're not moving at all.
I startle. Why not?
The adrenaline wipes away all the tiredness, I just jump up and rush the few stairs up to the deck. There she is. Everything is fine. Calm down. Not always only bad things happen to me. Sometimes it's just a false alarm.
We're in a large field of buoys. Our boat is tied to one, the sails are taken down. This place isn't crowded so our next neighbors are more than two hundred yards away. It's evening. Damn, I must have been sleeping down in the cabin for quite a few hours. Can't even remember the last time I caught so much uninterrupted sleep.
Audrey is lying on the bench behind the helm. She's fallen asleep, too.
Slowly…. Don't make her stir.
Doesn't work. My shadow already wakes her up as I crouch down next to her. She looks tired. No wonder. Her body isn't used to such an amount of exercise which she's had in the past few hours.
Hey… why haven't you come downstairs?
I help her sit up.
I wanted to watch the sunset. Must have fallen asleep. Sorry.
No need to apologize.
She makes a bit of space next to her on the bench and I sit down next to her. The sun has already set a while ago but the few clouds still display a lovely red picture in the sky that reflects in the waves.
It's chilly here. I don't know if she does this intentionally, but Audrey snuggles up to me. Cautiously I put my arms around her. Does she mind? No. I guess she even likes that. She's just wearing her thin summer dress. First she's shivering but after just a few moments, it stops.
I feel her body pressing against mine. It's like I can feel every inch… even her heartbeat. No, it's not hers. It's just mine. Pounding like mad.
I thought I'd never see anything like this ever again.
Her words are so real. She managed to put every single one of the thoughts that I couldn't express into just one sentence.
I want to say something like 'me neither' but I just can't get it out. I close my eyes and lean my forehead against the back of her head.
No, I don't want to say this. This is… don't think back. Don't'. Just don't. Don't ruin this beautiful moment by thinking about these times.
Enjoy it. This is the only thing I bring myself to say.
Don't think back. Don't think of the times when you dreamt of having something worth so much less than this.
When the pressure wears off, the mind which had been shut down during the immediate danger comes back to life again. It's not good. I better remind myself: the danger is not yet over. We're somewhere between Turkey and the Greek islands, on a boat that belongs to the Mafia and which transports 500 kilos of drugs. I don't know if it's cocaine or heroin. Couldn't care less. There's just one thing that I have to keep telling myself: you're not safe. This is not the time to worry about the past. Keep worrying about the present and the future, this will at least keep the past at bay.
Did you want to keep going throughout the night? Audrey asks me.
Thank god something rips me out of these damn thoughts.
No, actually not. I hadn't thought anyway that you'd… be such a great help.
Really? She turns around, laughing. No, that's an angry smirk of hers. She's just joking. You thought I'd just sit around watching you act like a rookie on this boat?
She's teasing me. A rookie?
Ten more minutes and the spinnaker would have ended up in the water. You have no idea what you're doing here.
I love that banter. When was the last time I ever did this? I may inform you that I already travelled this route ten times.
She laughs. Probably you just had the sail up for the first half hour after leaving the harbor and used the engine for the rest of the way.
Since I have nothing to add to this, she realizes that she has won this one. Gotcha. Laughing, she turns back front and takes my hand that lies on the backrest of the bench. You're great anyway.
It has been years.
Years, in which nothing like this happened… the opposite was true. Even the solitude wasn't the worst thing. No, by far not.
The last person on earth who had said something like that to me was Renee. Unwillingly that picture of that day comes back. She, lying in my bed… rushing her to hospital… the blood on her stomach.
I enclose Audrey in my arms. Stop it, this is too much - you're hurting her!
My hands are on her stomach. This is where that bullet hit her in London. It probably was just the same as back then in New York… the pictures merge and finally I see myself rushing Audrey to the hospital, wrapped in a white blanket. She's dying in my arms, lying on that stretcher in this cold room.
Damn it! Stop this! You have to stop.
Can we please just change the subject?, I ask her. This is damn rude, but it's necessary to keep my sanity.
I let go of her. Thank God she doesn't turn around, otherwise she'd just be able to read this all from my face. She just keeps looking at the sunset.
Probably I offended her. Not probably, it's even very likely. I'm so sorry, Audrey. But we better let go of each other. It's the best for both of us.
Where actually are we? I stand up and walk over to the instruments behind the helm. The GPS shows our current location. A buoy field, sixty miles west of the harbor from which we left. It's amazing how far she brought us in the last few hours, only using the wind's power. I wouldn't have planned to go that far.
I thought you might like this place here. I saw it on the GPS, Audrey remarks.
It's perfect for the night.
Her voice is shaky. So is mine. Damn it. Get your act together.
I'll get us some blankets… do you want a glass of wine?
Her yes is quite silent. I take it as a welcome excuse to head down into the cabin. I know that I'm acting like a complete jerk, but I couldn't have done this differently. She's just trying to be nice… she's trying to tell me that – stop it. Stop it. Stop. Blankets are a good idea. It's chilly outside but with a blanket around her, she won't get that close again. I just can't let her.
Here's the wine. Maybe that will bring these damn thoughts and fears to rest. I sincerely hope that it makes me act nicer. She didn't deserve a jerk like me. Is there even any nice way to tell her that I want to keep my distance?
Maybe not. Then I'll just be the jerk. Damn, this boat suddenly feels so small.
Balancing two glasses of wine and two thick blankets, I climb back up.
Over here, her voice tells me.
She has moved from the stern to the bow. There's a cushioned pad where we could lie down but thank God she doesn't go there. Instead, she sits down at the railing and lets her feet dangle down the side of the boat.
I hand her one of the blankets and when she has put it around her shoulders, I give her both our glasses to hold them while I wrap myself into the other blanket and sit down next to her. Even a stand of the railing is in between us now. Enough space.
She hands me back one of the glasses. For the first time since I so rudely turned down her nice words, we're looking into each other's eyes.
I'm sorry, I stammer.
It's okay. I'm not gonna ask if this is still about Mark… I'm just not gonna ask why. It's okay, Jack. She turns away. A moment later, she turns back, raises her glass. Cheers.
Cheers. We clink glasses.
I already wanted to tell her to be careful… that drink will surely kick in, after she hasn't had a drink in so many months.
Can't bring myself to say that, using words like "past months" or "ever since you had a normal life".
I better sip at my own glass. Get these damn words and thoughts out of my head.
We sit here, drowned in our thoughts, and it feels like ages.
I need to apologize.
I'm sorry.
What for?
I was rude. You just wanted to be nice, and I turned you down.
I promised I wouldn't ask why.
Thank you.
Another sip. The taste of wine is strange by now, after such a long time. I never drank wine, when it was my choice what to get. Beer, Whiskey. Fine. But wine feels like home. Like sitting on the couch, listening to how she plays on her grand piano. Ever since, I hardly ever had a glass.
I just don't want to talk about what happened, I murmur.
I won't make you. She puts down her glass of wine next to her and takes my right hand. The button of the sleeve is open. For a moment she hesitates, and then she lets go of the fabric. She wouldn't have needed to brush it away very far to find the first trace of the past. Our past.
She finally lets go of my hand.
Thank you.
What a stupid thing to thank her for letting me go. There were years when I wished for nothing else than being able to see her for one last time. There were hours in which I would have committed treason, broken promises and betrayed everything just to get one more moment like this.
And now she's here and I just can't handle it.
Are you afraid we'd be reminded of what we've been through?
Damn it, Audrey. Why are you breaking your promise by asking this? The one that you wouldn't ask? Yes.
I don't need to see the traces, Jack. Every time I see your face. That's enough to be reminded.
How can she just sit next to me, then? These words are such a low blow. She's just speaking her mind, the truth, but she has no idea how it feels how to hear something like this.
I had hoped at least my face would've reminded you of some of the good times.
It's just a few moments - but it feels like ages. She realizes what her words meant to me.
I better go then. I better leave her alone. Has she finally realized why I never wanted to get any closer? The simple look of my face reminds her of the places we've been at. Torture. Pain. Solitude. Beatings.
Stay. She grabs my arm.
Finally you realize why I never wanted to get any closer, Audrey. This is my reality. You don't belong into this world. You belong into a better one.
I'm right here with you.
You shouldn't be.
I am. And if it wasn't for you, I'd be in a so much worse place.
There's nothing that I can add. She's right. This is not a good place, either, I say. Do you think this is my boat?
Silently she shakes her head.
It belongs to the Serbian mafia. We're smuggling about 500 kilos of drugs to Italy because I'm out of money, because I had no other place to go to and because it's the only means of transport that I could think of. If I had any choice I'd rather have you anywhere else than here.
She just looks at me, expecting to go on.
Do you want me to tell you about all the dangers that are still waiting out there for us? Will you then finally realize why I don't want you to be anywhere near someone like me?
Audrey shakes her head again. Thank God. I wouldn't have wanted to tell her anyway. This place is so beautiful now, the sunset, the sea, everything, but it's a huge risk to be here.
Right now she's here with me. There's nothing I could have done about it. Damn it, we're on a small boat in the middle of nowhere. We're bound together tighter than any married couple is.
She raises her glass and expects me to do the same. Cheers.
Sometimes it's just best to change the subject.