I'm lying on my back as I open up my eyes again. It's cold here. I'm shivering.
I expected to be in my cell again, like always, after they've waterboarded me, but I look up and see stars.
Jack?
The voice gives me a start. Audrey. I turn my head just a little and find her kneeling next to me. She looks worried, has put her hand onto my chest.
Jack, are you alright?
She's dripping wet. So am I. A few moments ago, I've been fighting my worst enemies and now I suddenly find myself lying here, in front of her, no idea how we got here. What happened? I manage to stammer.
I pulled you out of the water, she worriedly tells me, I guess you had a pretty bad nightmare and you fell overboard at one point.
I manage to look around a little. We're on a boat, in the middle of nowhere. Of course we are, now I remember. It was just my mind, playing tricks on me… but it all felt so real, being in Sengala, being waterboarded back in Russia…. The nightmare must have adapted itself to a different story when I hit the water.
There she is. I'm trembling of the cold but so is she. I have literally no idea how I go here.
You were hyperventilating and you passed out, she adds, bows down a little and worriedly cups my cheek with her hand. Are you better?
I guess so.
You saved my life, Audrey.
No biggie.
She's out of breath. I have no idea how she managed to pull me out of the water. The panic must have given her superhuman powers.
I don't know what to say. I should thank her for it. I feel like apologizing for making her see this. She shouldn't have seen me like this.
That look in her eyes… I haven't felt embarrassed like this in a very long time. Yet she's there, right here. The pictures in my head have been so vivid. It felt like being back there, in hell. It's impossible to open your eyes and forget everything. Though I'm here, on this boat, alone with the one person on the world I love most, my past will always keep following me.
She looks worried. Jack, what happened?, she asks, and brings her other hand to my face as well, worriedly holding my head.
Do you want to tell me?
I shake my head no. It's a reflex.
She's so kind. She's worried about me…. When was there a person who cared for me like this? Noone ever had that view their eyes, the one that she has. I love her, but I'm too stunned to say it aloud.
We need to take of our wet clothes. I'll get you something to wear, she softly says, and something for your hand.
For my hand? I freeze. Audrey already wants to get up but I grab her by her arm and hold her back. My left hand really hurts. I raise my arm to have a look – even in the darkness of the night I can see that trail of blood coming from a laceration just below my little finger. It mixed with the salty water and left a trail all the way down to the cuff of my shirt. Damn it.
Jack? Audrey's even more worried now, she reaches out to examine my hand, but I hold her back even tighter. You're hurting me!, she yells.
I don't care. This is more important.
I hurry to get up while she's still sitting there, totally thunderstruck.
Have you touched this, Audrey?, I ask her.
She hems and stammers, finally murmuring no.
This isn't good enough. Think about it. Have you touched my blood?, I ask her again, harshly this time.
No, I think not, she stammers.
I size her up – there's a stain on the left sleeve of her white gown. She probably doesn't even know into what kind of a danger she brought herself, pulling me out of the water.
You need to take this off. Now. My command is harsh. There's no time for explanations. If I don't act now, it'll probably be too late.
I hurry down into the hull and wash my bleeding hand under the kitchen sink, ripping the shirt off and searching for the first aid kit. There's a bottle of disinfectant. Gauze bandages. Thank god the bleeding isn't that much. It only looked bad because of the water which mixed with the blood. After a minute, everything's covered up. I disinfect my hands again. A second round can never be wrong. There's the shirt with the bloody sleeve. Best thing would be to throw it overboard.
With a fresh shirt and one more for Audrey, I finally climb upstairs again. She's still sitting where we sat before, but she has followed my harsh orders to take off her gown. Now she's almost naked, having hugged herself.
She's staring at me with disbelief.
I can't believe it myself, what's happening right now. After I reach her the new shirt that I brought her, I turn away to give her some privacy to change… a welcome distraction for a few seconds, but one that just doesn't last long enough.
She's right there and she deserves an answer, regarding this obvious question that she hasn't even asked yet.
Jack?
Now.
I turn back to her, but I have no idea how to tell her that. I've never put this into words, not once, in the past months. I've pushed it out of my mind and there was no reason to come back to it. This is not today's problem. It'll be a problem in a few years – maybe – if I'll still be alive then. Who knows.
She stands up and slowly comes over, takes me by my shoulders and leads me to the sitting area at the stern of the boat.
I don't know how to put it into words.
The moon is the only light. I can barely see her face in the dark, but the moon's reflection in her eyes – clearly. Does she look shocked? Yes. Worried. Just like before, but her worries are different now.
I'm sitting right next to her, trying to shield that bandage around my left hand from getting wet and from getting in touch with her. Probably I'm just overreacting, but this is a first time for me.
I promised not to ask, she whispers, bringing her hands up to my face again. I'm not going to.
Thank you, Audrey, thank you so much.
The waves are silently breaking against the hull of the boat. The moonlight draws an endless pattern onto the water.
Stop it. No distractions.
She's sitting there, right next to me, patiently as ever. She deserves an explanation. I owe her. Even though it's pretty obvious what is going on. Is it obvious? Judging from the look in her eyes, it is.
When I open my mouth to speak, no words come out. I've no idea what to say. How to say it. Where to start.
Audrey senses what's going on. Do you even want to talk about it?, she whispers.
I nod. Damnit why? Why didn't I just say no?
She'll need to help me structure my thoughts. For how long have you had it?, she asks.
About four months, I guess. Acutally, an easy question. As long as you don't continue asking. As long as you don't think back to that moment, four months ago. Sengala. Did I just say that aloud?
Her eyes ask me to go on. The Russian prison guard would have sold me to anyone, if only the price was okay. Who thought I'd miss these bastards. In Sengala, I did. Russian prison was pure luxury, compared to being in Africa. They… they did unspeakable things. I see them right before my eyes. The whole village was gathered, they'd beat me around, probably to show them that they even had power over the white man. In the end they hung me from that pole again, by me feet, head down.
Jack, you're trembling. Audrey rattles my head a little to bring me back to reality. Is it really a good idea to… live through that all again?, she asks, worriedly.
Wasn't it you who said I'd need to talk about it, eventually?
She nods. Yes. But I see how much you're still suffering, just thinking back. She's close to tears.
It's too late now. The memories are already there. I might as well accept them. In the end, I needed blood transfusions. Sengala has an HIV rate of more than 40 percent.
She's crying. I wipe a tear away from her check. Stop crying, Audrey. I'm not worth the tears. Do you see now why there's just no chance for us on having a future?
Are you really sure?, she sobs.
I nod. Her crying gets worse. I wonder why I'm not crying with her. It hurts damn much to talk about all this, but I don't feel like crying any more. I cried enough nights, lying in that damn, dirty hospital bed, when nobody of them was watching.
I woke up after two days, bound to the bed, but I couldn't have moved anyway. The lower half of my body was covered with some kind of a tent, to keep the flies away. There was a nurse, not even a doctor, she was obviously forbidden to talk to me. Just once, the guy with that strange voice stopped by. He checked on me, probably because he had a deal with the Russians to give me back in one piece. He also checked on the IV stand next to me, where that blood transfusion was hanging. That sadistic grin on his face was instantly back. I knew it in that very second that he'd done it on purpose.
I can't tell her that. She's crying already.
Slowly I lean forward and put my arms around her. It's okay, Audrey, it's alright. We're on a boat, in the middle of nowhere. There's nobody threatening us right now. We have enough food for two weeks. Aside of a few bruises that I caught in Armenia, I'm okay. We're as safe as we could be, even though it's not perfect. Compared to the places I've been at, this is heaven.
Her fragile body rests in my arms. It was her idea, to talk about the past – but I had been right in the beginning. My past is so ugly, it's just too much for her to handle right now. I can't tell her everything. She probably believes that because she's been able to overcome such memories in the past, she'll be able to do it again. I hope she will, one day. But it's not her task to overcome my memories.
It's alright, honey, I'm here, I whisper into her ear, rubbing circles on her back. I feel her hands on my back, through the fabric of the shirt. Her touch is electrifying me. Long nights in the darkness, I wished for nothing else but her hands on my skin again.
This is the closest we'll ever get now.
It's this realization that serves me a low blow.
This is how we end up crying together.