These beautiful eyes. I'll get lost in them, no matter what. She's just a few inches away, the tip of her nose almost touching mine. Her eyes are red, cried out. I wiped away all the tears as they came, for hours, and at one point there were no more.
She did the same.
Even though I haven't told her every bad detail, she was right from the beginning: it helped to live through it again. It helped to tell her the truth why I never let her get any closer. In the end, it brought us here, to a place where I never expected us to be. In bed together, arm in arm, entangled closely. I would have never let that happen because I feared that we might go too far.
It was an invisible wall that I had built up, just to keep her away far enough without having to tell her why.

Everything is changed.
She tried to kiss me. Yet I know she's not pushing it because she knows now what's at stake. Slowly, she moved a little closer, until our lips already touched a little. I could feel her warm breath on my skin. I'm not gonna take any risk. In the end, I don't have to stick my tongue down her throat to show her what she means to me.
I move a little to the side and kiss the corner of mouth, let my lips brush over her skin and kiss her cheek. She moans silently and I hold her closer, continuing my way to her ear and then down her throat.

She presses her body against mine. That skinny body of hers. One of her legs is slung round my waist. I grab her and we roll over to the other side. She leans her head back and offers me her throat to kiss it. I will, Audrey, I will. I'm just gonna take my time, because I'll savour any minute.

I've tried so hard to tell myself that she was gone for good. Yet she was with me, every minute of my life, ever since we last spent a night like this together. L.A. More than ten years ago. The memory of exactly this never left me.

She starts to open the buttons of my shirt, one after one, seductively.

I make my way down her throat, to her collar bone. Cautiously, I slide my hand beneath her shirt, lying it onto her stomach. She jerks. Sorry, my hand is cold. I leave it there, for a few minutes, while kissing her neck, to warm it up a little, before I slide it up a little further.

Is she okay with it? Me, going that far? That look in her eyes says a loud and clear yes.

I lift the shirt over her head. There she is, right in front of me, almost naked. I want to continue where I left off, but she softly pushes me down to the bed, demanding that it's her turn now. I just close my eyes and let her do it.
She starts at my check, just like I did on her, making her way down my neck, to my collarbone. The buttons of my shirt are already open. She runs her hand through the hair on my chest, kissing it softly, then through the hair on my belly, slowly working her way down.

The knuckle of my belt. She stops and looks up to me.
There's the line.
Let it be, Audrey, please. If you go down that road, I'll stand up and leave. Don't make me to.

She can read my mind. Finally, she places a last kiss onto my lower belly, just above the knuckle of the belt, and slides back up again. Her nose is softly tracing over my skin. I lean back and close my eyes. Short after her nose, I can feel her nipples brushing over my skin as well. God, Audrey, you really know how to break my will – if ever had any. She slides the shirt off my shoulder and kisses my skin there, softly. Then she works her way down my right arm. I am pudding in her hands. I always was and I'll always be when it comes to this. Her presence is overwhelming. All my fears… they seem childish now. I was afraid of telling her. Afraid of showing her the scars on my skin. She's seen them already. She was there, damnit. That burn scar, where her lips are right now… she's seen me hanging from the chains, getting tortured by the Chinese.

Hey…

Her voice brings me back. How long was I drowned in memories? A while? She stopped kissing my arm and came back up, lying next to me again. Worriedly she looks into my eyes again, only a few inches away.
How can I let myself be carried away to such an awful place, if the most beautiful woman on earth is lying in front of me, almost naked? I'm sorry.

She says nothing and just runs her hand through my hair, pulling my head closer until our foreheads touch. Her lips find mine and she softly places a kiss upon them.

I always thought she'd be repelled by my scars. Or reminded of something bad that had happened to us. Probably I was wrong all the time and it was just me…. Not wanting to look at them, not wanting to be reminded.
Stop thinking. Damnit stop thinking.

It's okay, Jack, I hear her say. It's okay.

It's not. We've had a beautiful thing going and I ruined it. I sigh.

She just smiles at me. We have a lot of time to get back into it.

She's right. We're lying arm in arm, chest to chest, our naked skin touching.

It can't be transmitted through kissing, she says – but she stays where she is, leaving the decision up to me.

How would you know?

Trust me, I've attended enough charity events for HIV patients in the past years. A lot of people are afraid but there's no need to be.

She sounds sincere. Are you really a hundred per cent sure?

She nods her head, yes.

Once we do this… it can never be made undone. Never. If she's wrong, then what?
She can read my mind. She runs her hand through my hair again and grabs my neck. Do you trust me, Jack?, I hear her ask.

Of course I do.
I'm all tensed up.
She's coming closer again. There are her lips. This time, not only her lips. There's her tongue, playing with my upper lip, finding its way into my mouth. I start to kiss her back. It's amazing. I couldn't find any words for this if I had to.
We're back in that thing that we had going before. Soon we're rolling back and forth, kissing each other with consuming passion. I've never been kissed like this before.

I'd so much want to do more. In my mind, we're doing way more than only kissing. I guess, in her mind, as well. She's moaning, as she rubs her nether regions against my thigh. Her moans get louder and louder, as I grab her from behind and slide my right hand into her panties. Come on, Audrey, you need to climb that hill for the both of us.

There's a loud moan of pleasure… it's a scream of joy that she finally lets out.

We collapse back into the bed, still in this position. She's lying on top of me, her back against my chest. My left arm is slung around her chest, touching her breasts, my right hand is still down in her nether regions. At each small movement I make, her whole body jerks.
We're both sweaty. Exhausted.
She's breathing heavily. I am, too.

I could stay like this, forever. I close my eyes and lean my head against hers. I love you, Audrey, I murmur.

She sits up and turns around, sitting next to me.
Have I said something wrong? No, can't be, judging by the look in her eyes.

I never doubted that, she says, leans down and kisses me again, not a second.

The sweat pearls on her forehead look unusual. I trace one of them away. I guess I'm not less sweaty than she is. Somewhere I read that sex was mostly a product of the brain – that article must have been right. I hadn't thought that I'd ever experience anything like this again.

She places her hand at my belly and our eyes meet again.

That was pretty one-sided…, she starts, … is there any way I can… help you get the same pleasure I had?

She's going lower and lower with her hand. I stop her, before she reaches her goal. No, better not, I just answer, making it sound like it was an irresponsible choice, given my state. I deliberately leave out the even worse part of the story. This stay in Sengala took an even higher toll on me than she already knows. We better take a shower, I tell her. I don't want to talk about it now, and I don't even want to think about it. That nightmare, last night, was enough.

I have a better idea, she smiles back and jumps out of the bed, offering her hand. Come on!

She drags me along, up the few stairs and just jumps over board. That silhouette of hers is breathtaking. She's still much too skinny, but without anything on… as she jumps overboard… that's an amazing look.

A few moments, she's under water, before she resurfaces a few feet away from the boat.

Come on! She shouts, playfully.

Wait, I'll show you something. There's the switch for the underwater lights. They turn the sea around us into a magical world of blue and green. She seems to enjoy it a lot.

Why not. Why not forget everything for a while and just relax.

I take a run-up and jump in, too.