My dear readers… thanks for still reading! I've been thinking a very long time about one thing:
Jack has killed so many people.
Does this leave him cold?
I guess, not.
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The hardest thing was to let her go. We've been standing there, for over two hours, I guess. Far out on the horizon, there's land. The GPS confirms that it is the island of Rhodes. It's so large that we could easily mistake it for mainland. I don't want to go anywhere near these outer Greek islands. We need to change our course to keep away from the mainland.
As I tell Audrey to turn a bit to the left, she laughs at me. It's obviously an unforgivable sin to say 'turn left' instead of saying to turn port.
These might be our first words within hours. Innocuous ones.
We've had our time to think. The adrenaline of the past hours has disappeared. The inner turmoil has settled and made way for a thankful tiredness that we've made it.
I don't want to let her go. The moment I let her go, the peaceful time of just saying nothing will be past. We can't stay here forever. I need to let her go. It's childish to stay here and think that without moving, I could delay it forever, to talk about what has happened. I did that with so many things.
My hands lie at Audrey's belly. I straighten up a little. She realizes that something's about to change and turns her head around.
Her eyes are just a few inches away. I'd love to just kiss you, Audrey, turn back time half a day to that last beautiful night and just forget where we are. I tried to tell you that we're on a tedious and dangerous trip. We're not these Australian tourists who have nothing else to do than to sail their boat, have sex and go diving. Do you understand it now? I guess you do.
She slowly comes closer and makes the decision for me. Her lips feel so incredibly soft.
Damn it, Audrey, you should have never fallen in love with me.
Thank you, she silently says again, like she already did, two hours ago.
You shouldn't thank me for killing them. There's nothing to be proud of.
If you hadn't done it, we wouldn't have made it. She has realized it, that this was our only chance. There was no other way out.
I'm so sorry for having stopped the boat – her eyes tear up – If I hadn't…
I take her into my arms again and place a soft kiss on her forehead. Don't. They had no chance. One way or the other.
She feels responsible for their death, just like I do. Are we really?
I'd do anything for you, Audrey, anything. I'd kill whoever it takes to get you home. Yes, I'm going to regret it afterwards. It leaves traces. But I'll do it anyway. I'll shoulder the blame, all the evil, without thinking twice.
This was not your fault, Audrey.
She also feels guilty.
If it was anyone's fault that they died, then it was mine. I pulled the trigger.
I let go of her and walk the few steps that the tiny platform on the boat allows me to make. My legs hurt from standing there for such a long time. There's the swimming platform… there's the place at the railing where I shot one of them and pushed the dead body overboard.
I'd do it again. Without hesitating.
This won't be over for a long time. The boat feels like a small cage right now.
Are you up for even more bad news? I ask her.
She says yes and even gives me a little smile.
We're still flying the Turkish flag. We have to meet one of Mehmet's men south of Karpathos tomorrow to get rid of it. I point at the flag that is fixed to one of the lines that reach up to the top of the mast.
Why don't you just take it down?
I shake my head. We'll exchange the AIS transponders. He has the same boat, Italian flag. We exchange everything and from that moment on we'll be the Australian couple who have rented a boat in Venice to go all the way to Greece and back. A boat with a transponder is always less suspicious than one without. If there's another patrol boat somewhere, they'll look up our track and it'll give us a head start.
Audrey pushes a few buttons at the GPS and she's surprised to see how long the way there still is. We need ten to twelve hours to get there.
I nod yes. If it's necessary, I'll have to go all night.
Would you mind taking the helm for a while?, she asks me. She wants to head downstairs.
Of course. I head back over.
As she climbs down the stairs, she looks damn sad.
I hold her back. Audrey.
She turns around.
I can't see her so sad. This was not your fault.
She shrugs. I shouldn't have stopped.
No, it didn't matter.
It did. You wouldn't have needed to shoot them if I hadn't stopped.
I walk the few steps down and take her by her shoulders. Harshly. This is not her fault. She must not feel guilty for something that she hasn't done.
I pulled the trigger. If I hadn't done that, they would have drowned anyway.
I could have gotten us both killed.
Yes, you could, Audrey. But you didn't.
If they had all come, we would have drowned together with them, she sobs. I thought it was just this one guy… two or three, maybe.
She's so damn sad, having lowered her eyes. She feels guilty, just like I do.
Audrey.
Audrey. I go down another step. Audrey, look into my eyes.
Hesitatingly she looks up. I can't stand to see her sad.
I need to make her understand that this was not her fault. After all we've been through, you're still the kindest person in a million… You tried to help, without even thinking about the consequences. You did nothing wrong. Nothing.
She replies nothing. She takes my hand from her shoulder, places a soft kiss on the back of it and then she disappears.
This needs time.
There's nothing I could say to make it better.
I sit down at the bench next to the helm and watch where we're going. The engine noise is the only thing that disturbs the silence. Always the same. Both soothing and tiresome. We'll be going like this for at least ten more hours.
When Audrey had been sailing the boat, I hated the bank but I loved the silence.
I check the GPS and have another look around but there's absolutely nothing, not even another boat. We're far enough away from the major maritime routes and far enough away from the Greek islands.
I sit down again. The engine is below me, moaning out it's one note song. It reminds me of one of my once favorite songs… On a long and lonesome highway, east of Omaha, you can listen to the engine moanin' out its one-note song … you can think about the woman, or the girl you knew the night before … but your thoughts will soon be wandering, the way they always do, when you're riding sixteen hours and there's nothing there to do … and you don't feel much like riding, you just wish the trip was through.
Do I wish the trip was through? Hell, no idea. These are going to be the last beautiful days that I'll ever get in my life. With Audrey on my side. Without anyone haunting me down. Not in prison. Before sickness will strike me down in just a few years time, if my enemies don't get to me first.
I should make the best out of it. Spend the last nights with her… isn't that selfish?
After a few minutes, she comes back up and sits down at the bench next to me. I put an arm around her and hold her close.
You shouldn't be here with me, Audrey. You deserve to be at a better place. One where you don't have to fear that lying to the coast guard might blow our cover. You should be at home, sitting at your grand piano, drinking a glass of wine and playing for someone who's lying at the couch next to it, listening to the music.
Even if it's Marc.
He hasn't killed anyone. He's a douche but at least there's no blood on his hands. There's so much blood on my hands that I'll never get it off again.
We barely talk this evening. We're both not hungry. The pot with the chili is still there, but nobody has touched it.
It gets dark around nine and I send Audrey down into the cabin to get some sleep. I'll do the first night shift until two a.m. and I want to do it alone. Maybe it'll be enough time to get to the buoy field south of Karpathos. We're just about 20 miles away.
The world of blue around us turns into a world of black. There's nothing except for the stars, the dim display of the GPS and the moon's reflection in the waves.
Nothing but the darkness and my thoughts.
Usually, the memories in which I got tortured haunt me.
Today, it's different.
Paul. I made the decision that killed him. It still hurts so much to think back to the moment when Audrey slammed her fists against my chest, calling me a monster. She was so right, back then. He was in hospital because he saved my life. That's how I paid him back.
Ryan. It's like it was yesterday, even though that was 15 years ago. When he asked me for the gun, to do it himself, I was so glad. It would have been him who pulled the trigger. He hesitated. He just couldn't do it himself … put an end to his life. I didn't want to take the gun back. Yet I did. I shot him point blank. He was unarmed. He had done nothing wrong.
Claudia died, because I persuaded her to leave the ranch. She would have been better off if she had never met me. I've lost track of her father and her son. Maybe it's better for them.
Graem. I tortured my own brother to death. I slept with his wife.
Teri. God, I don't want to think back. We for sure didn't have the best marriage but I'll never forgive myself for cheating on you with that bitch Nina… and with Marylin… and there were others, too.
Renee.
If I wasn't crying already, I'd have started now.
Stop thinking. Damn it.
Look at the waves. The moon. The stars. Listen to the engine. Do something. Anything – but stop thinking.
It's suddenly hard to breathe.
Her blood on my hands. The moment I thought it was all over and we had a chance on something worth being called a normal life, it was suddenly all gone. Taken.
Stop thinking.
Sengala. Russia. China. Anything, for all I care. Every single thought of being waterboarded, raped, electrocuted or lashed is better than thinking about Teri, Renee or any of the mistakes that I've made. It hurts less.
The emptiness up here and the dark of the night is horrible.
They've hung me from the pole in the middle of the square, after beating the crap out of me. The Sengalans knew no mercy. They didn't know when to stop. They had orders from the Russians, no to kill me. But they barely managed to stop before I died of my injuries.
Paul. Ryan.
I was naked. It was dark out there, on the town square. All these people from the village were around. They had gathered them to make an example of me, showing their people that they even had the power over the dreaded white man. Hanging there, head down I saw his boots as he came closer. The blade of his bush knife shimmered in the dim light. The worst thing was not knowing what he was about to do.
Teri. Claudia. Renee. Graem. Ten innocent people today. Who knows how many more have lost their lives because of my decisions.
That pain. There was blood everywhere. I almost drowned in my own blood. It ran down my body, my throat, into my nose... even into my eyes. It took a few minutes until I lost consciousness. This was the worst pain that I ever experienced.
But it's still better than thinking back to all the wrong that I've brought into this world.
This world hasn't treated me nicely.
But I haven't deserved any better treatment.
There's so much that I still need to pay for.
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