The rocking of the boat had bothered me, at first. I've never been sea sick, but it wasn't something I enjoyed, when I travelled this route. It was hard to get all the things done – handle the boat, prepare something to eat, change my clothes, sleep… and every other wave that came made the easiest tasks a challenge.
Right now, it's different. The constant up and down has a soothing effect. Eyes half open, I see Audrey's legs, she's standing at the helm right now, enjoying what she always loved to do. She told me, years ago, that she loved sailing when she was young. We never got the chance to do it, in these months that we spent together. Too risky. Too obvious. No, she couldn't just have taken her father's boat – the boat of the secretary of defense – and go sailing with a regular John Doe from office. There's so much we were never able to do. Talk about the future. Go out like a normal couple. Be honest to the ones around us. Forget it. We couldn't do it back then, and we can't do it now. No matter how good this moment feels. It'll be just this moment. Maybe a few more.
We've put up the awning and enjoy the shade. There's no single cloud above us, the weather is perfect. The early summer sun burns down and the warmth feels like a cozy blanket that covers every inch of one's body.
I'm lying at the bench next to the helm, trying to catch some sleep. Life is so good right now that I just don't want to fall asleep. It's perfect to lie here and do nothing. A few days ago, this was unthinkable. When we had to leave Kazakhstan, I made up the plan of going to Armenia, Turkey and do a last journey for Mehmet, bringing one of his boats to Italy – just to get Audrey across the border. Mehmet doesn't know about her.
I never thought Audrey would be of any help. But she is. She's steering that boat way better than I ever could – and above all, she's even enjoying it. That's the best thing I've seen in years. That smile on her face, even in the moments when nobody is watching.
Today morning, after we met with the other boat and gave them our flag and transponder, she tried to show me how to do a few things right. I was never aware how little I knew about sailing and boats, starting from judging the wind and ending up at having the right names for whatsoever.
She makes another jibe and the boat banks to the other side again. Wait: no, not bank. Obviously, it's called heeling when the sail tilts the boat to the side. I've always called it bank, like when flying an airplane. Here you have your first proof, Audrey, that I really don't know anything about sailing. You've laughed at me, but I promise: it won't have been the last time.
When I did the first trip for Mehmet, I have to admit, I googled how to do this. You can get all the way from Turkey to Italy and back, learning from YouTube how to sail a boat. Or you just spend a few hundred dollars on diesel and use the small engine it has. That's what I did in the past.
Tiredness gets to me. I should let go of this world and catch some sleep, even though I'd really prefer to keep watching her dress wave in the wind and that smile on her face.
I have to admit, that I could have never done this alone. Ever since we've left the convent in Almaty, this is the first time that I dare to let go and close my eyes. Everything is good. I can let go, at least for a few hours, and nothing bad will happen. If Audrey wasn't at the helm, I wouldn't know what I would have done. The whole plan had this big fail: I cannot keep up this pace forever. That last week has been a constant battle or a constant travel. I've only made it so far because of the amphetamines that I took. The batteries are empty. Close your eyes. Let go. You can't go on like this.
She's got this.
I let the waves rock me to sleep, at least for a few hours.
When I wake up again, it's way calmer than before. The blue spinnaker is up and Audrey is sitting next to me, at the bench, watching the endless waves.
Hey. She looks down.
Hi. That smile. Still tired?
Am I? No. I slightly shake my head and smile back. Maybe there's a difference between tiredness and exhaustion. Right now, everything is perfect. If I move, my back will hurt, my knees, too. I'm not twenty anymore. There are so many bones that have been broken and grew together slightly displaced. You don't see them, but some moves just hurt. The amphetamines took the pain away during the past week, now it's slowly coming back. But that's not tiredness. That's exhaustion that will take more than a few hours of sleep to disappear. Maybe, it'll never go away again.
Where are we? I can't see the GPS from my position.
Close to Crete. You can see it in the horizon.
I sit up to have a look. There it is. The GPS confirms it. In two hours, we'll reach the bay where the other boat from Italy left its AIS transponder. That's where we need to go today. Once we have the transponder, there are twelve days left to reach Venice. More than enough time.
Audrey slips over to me. I put an arm around her shoulders and just hold her close. Thanks. I couldn't have done this without you. She deserves to hear it. She's been the love of my life because she knows me inside and out. It's not the sex that we've had, not her beauty or the thrill of sleeping with the boss' daughter. In our good times, I told her everything that ever was. She knows my past, my mistakes, all of them. It always felt like coming home, to someone who you don't have to hide anything from.
You wouldn't have needed to do all this if wasn't for me, she silently answers.
I'd do it all again, Audrey, no questions asked, I'd hesitate not second. Getting you out of that hellhole was the only meaningful thing that I in the past years. The things I did in the past years are nothing that I'm proud of. I've worked for the mafia. Smuggled drugs and weapons. There are only illegal things out there that you can do to make a living, when nobody still wants to see you alive. Maybe after all, there was a reason why. We're here now because I learned how to get by in this part of the world.
Instead of an answer that'd only bring us both closer to our memories, I just place a soft kiss at her head. You know my thoughts, Audrey.
We're sitting in silence. The waves gently rock the boat as it plows through the endless water. The dark blue spinnaker still flies high above us. It's a miracle that we're here at all. On the horizon, I see the first contours of the island of Crete, and a few boats, much closer to the shore than we are.
Her hand slowly slides up my chest, to my neck, to my cheek. She makes me turn over to her.
These eyes. That glance. All I ever wanted is to have her here in my arms again. I don't dare say anything. Words could only break this beautiful moment. I don't want to put anything in words. I don't want to think of anything that happened. Right now, I only want to look into your eyes and kiss you.
Her lips feel incredibly soft.
A few minutes later, she sits on my lap and we're making out like in our early days. Eyes closed, I'm not able to tell the difference.
I push her against the wall, she's laughing out loud first, then moans my name in pleasure. With one heel, she's barely able to give the door a kick, before I lift that blouse over her head. We've spent the whole afternoon next to each other, the tension growing. Nobody could await this moment any longer.
Her naked throat lies in front of me. A few moments later, her breasts, too. I keep kissing her body as she works her way down the buttons of my shirt. You've teased me all day, Audrey. I can't hold back any longer.
She finally got rid of my shirt and starts undoing my pants. Her hands down there get me crazy. Sometimes it's not the hard pounding that gets you mad – it's the slight touch, the one that teases you and whispers out loud that there's more to come. Soon. In just a few minutes, we'll be over in bed, and I'll feel your fingernails bore into my skin short before you'll be letting out that scream of joy. Can't wait. One day, I'll end up bleeding, and if I do, I'll remember that night forever.
I open my eyes and halt for a moment. There she is, lying right in front of me, without anything on. Did you live through the same memories, Audrey, like I did? We're acting just like back then. Once we get started, there's almost nothing that can stop us from going down that road. In just a few minutes we've managed to rip each other's shirts off and ended up lying on the deck, where we've already spent the night.
It's been 15 years since that night when you finally got me bleeding. There are five little scars on my back… probably the only ones that I carry with pride. They get lost in all the other repelling ones. You cut your fingernails short after that night. Otherwise, I'd have many more of those.
Her hands lie at my belly.
My eyes tell her to stop from where she was about to go. I don't want to put it in words again why I need her to stop right there.
She slowly slides her hands back up again and lets me keep my pants on.
Is it sadness, in your eyes, Audrey? Tears? Haven't we already shared enough tears about this?
Kiss me. Close your eyes. Do what I did. Think back to the good times.
And just forget that we'll never have each other again like that.
.
.
written to:
Tori Amos - Enjoy the Silence (cover)
... I just think this is the song that perfectly describes how Jack must feel.
Thanks to all of you out there who are still reading J/A!