Danger – spring tide, the sign at the entrance said. Audrey warned me not to go here, but I calmed her down. They bay in which we are is safe. Mehmet's men have put up that sign years ago, to keep away the tourists. This is where we often dropped anchor for a night and now we're here to pick up the AIS transponder which the other ship left. There's a hideout, just a few hundred feet above the sea level, up in the forest.
Audrey almost couldn't believe where we are now. She never sailed in the Mediterranean Sea, only near Washington DC. That's a big difference. The cold Atlantic Ocean with nothing spectacular to see – versus being here, in Greece, which feels like paradise. Olive trees. Sun everywhere. Bright blue water, where you can see to the white sand a few feet below our keel. At the end of the little bay, there's a beach. No house is in sight, no other person, nothing. Just us.
She's standing at the bow, looking around, amazed by the view. Her eyes have widened up, that smile only sometimes disappears when her lips form a silent wow.
I've been here quite a few times, but I feel it with her. This is just beautiful.
The most beautiful thing is that nobody else is here. This is our little world. 46 feet long, surrounded not by a fence or borders, but by an endless ocean. Thinking about arriving makes me shudder. I'm becoming a weird loner, whenever I do such a trip. The longer I'm away from other people, the better this world gets. But the longer we're on the trip, it always comes closer: the moment when we'll go ashore again, back to civilization.
I don't want to.
I don't want to see anyone. We'll need to start hiding again, as soon as we arrive. I can't put Audrey beneath a hijab in Italy, it just doesn't fit in. Sunglasses, that wide sunhat that she loves wearing anyway and a wide dress must do the job. The fact that she's been officially dead for more than half a year will also help. Nobody expects to see her. That's our benefit.
I told her that we'll stay here for tonight, that I just need to swim over to the beach and get the transponder. She insisted in coming with me, even though it's quite far. It are maybe 100 yards to the beach, not a large distance to swim, but without being able to stand and to take a break, it's just too long for her, given her shape. She got a lot of her strength back, but not the stamina.
Each one of us holding on to a life ring, just to make it easier, we swam the way over to the beach. I packed a heavy plastic bag to make sure the transponder won't get wet when I bring it back to the boat.
She was completely out of breath as we reached the sand. I needed to help her get out of the water – without the life ring to hold on to, she wouldn't have been able to swim so far.
An arm round her waist I helped her walk, through the waist-deep water. The sand tickled at the bottom of our feet, as our toes sank in. Well, my nine toes. Forget it. Don't think back.
Audrey was shocked enough when she saw it for the first time.
I know she wanted to ask, how it happened.
But then, in the end, she didn't, because she knew that she'd only send my mind back to that place. Sengala, I just said to her, nothing else. Forget it. It's just a toe, nothing important.
I place a kiss at her wet hair and let her lie down in the white sand, while I go up into the forest to get the transponder. Thank you for not asking any more questions, when you saw it, Audrey. You wouldn't have wanted me to tell you that story either.
This is the first time I feel bad about hiding things from her. She wants to know what happened to me, I feel that wish inside her. Any time I lie in front of her, she traces some of my scars, softly, with her fingers, drowned in thoughts. I know what you're thinking, Audrey. You're wondering where I got them. If they're from my stay in China, 6 years ago, if they're from my time in Russia, Sengala, or if they're from the few weeks that we spent in China, again.
There are some older scars, too, but she never got caught in any of those. Because she knows them already. The ones that I got in Serbia, almost thirty years ago, the ones Stark gave me, fifteen years ago… last time she even discovered the spot on my left shoulder where Chloe shot me. I can't believe it's almost five years ago.
Stop thinking. Stop it. That's why I never look into a mirror without putting on clothes first. I don't want to be reminded. Although she loves me – and I love to be with her – it just doesn't feel good when Audrey gets lost in that landscape of cruelties. At least she doesn't ask. But that doesn't make it better. I see it whenever her eyes get stuck, when her eyes stare into space, that she's thinking about my ordeals.
When we were together, twelve years ago, she knew me inside out. Everything. I had told her every bad thing that I've done in my life. Maybe I just wanted to sabotage the luck that I had, meeting such a woman…. make her open her eyes and see me for what I really am.
It felt so good to have somebody who I could talk to. Given her security clearance, I could really tell her everything that ever happened in my life. Not like Teri. She never knew what was going on. I came home so many times, in need for somebody to talk to, but it would have never been her.
Damn it. Fuck this stupid job. That's exactly how I ended up with that bitch Nina.
Stop it.
There's the crate with the AIS transponder in it. It's hidden quite well behind a few trees, under a heap of branches that I first need to clear away. The first time I was here, about three years ago, it was hard to find it. But even though I haven't been here in over a year, it was easy now.
The small black transponder is in there. I pack it into the plastic bag that I brough and close the crate again, covering it with the branches. Mehmet and his guys have created an elaborate system, boats that can easily change names and transponders, hideouts where we're alone and nevertheless we're travelling on routes where so many tourists are on their way, that one or two boats more don't attract any attention. He or the group he's working for must be one of the biggest drug smugglers in the Adriatic Sea.
The way back down to the beach isn't long, but walking barefoot, it takes a while. Quite a few jagged stones and branches. Actually perfect. No tourist who disobeys the Danger – spring tide sign will walk that way voluntarily.
I'm back.
There she is.
I almost drop the bag with the transponder.
She's lying in the middle of that picturesque beach. She took off all her clothes because we're alone. The sun shines down on her body. The T-shirt that she wore is lying next to her, in the sand, so are her panties.
There are water drops all over her skin. Is that still the water from swimming here? Or is she already sweaty from lying in the sun? Can't be… it only took me a few minutes to get the transponder.
Slowly I walk over to her. Like a predator, stalking the prey. Underneath her sunglasses, I can see that her eyes are closed. Her arms are spread out wide.
I try not to let my shadow touch her, just because I don't want her to move. This is one of the pictures that I'll never forget, ever again, in my whole life.
She's still way too skinny, but she's slowly starting to put on just so much weight that her ribcage doesn't attract attention on first sight.
Not making a sound, I sit down next to her. Put the bag down. Don't make a noise. Don't move too fast.
Her eyes are still closed. I don't know if she has realized that I'm back.
I want to savour every inch of you, Audrey, every one. Starting from your beautiful face, your beautiful arms that hand me the most tender embrace that I could ever think of, that spot next to your collar bone that will get you all crazy when I lick it, your breasts, your….
There's that spot where the bullet hit her, last autumn in London. The Chinese who have extracted her did a good job saving her life, but they didn't care to patch up the wound. A scar and the stitches across her stomach are still well visible.
Where have they only brought her? There couldn't have been much time. The ambulace that picked her up was already fake. The place where they must have had a doctor waiting couldn't have been that far away, otherwise she would have never survived such a shot.
That one looks almost like Renee's entry wound. Almost the same spot.
This is where they tell you to aim, during sniper training. Middle of the body. Don't even go for the heart – it's way riskier and you can easily miss your target completely. If you aim at the middle of the body and your caliber is large enough, you can take out everyone. If you miss, you'll still hit one of the lungs, the heart, the stomach, the intestines… nobody will survive that.
I take a handful of sand and let it trickle onto her stomach.
She doesn't open her eyes. Only the corners of her mouth get drawn up into a huge smile. Hey… she murmurs.
I bend down and kiss her. She just keeps lying there, offering her body to me.
I start at her mouth, let my lips brush over her cheeks, then down her throat. That smile on her face gets bigger with every one of my moves. You know where I'm going, Audrey, don't you?
There's that spot next to her collar bone. I give it only a small kiss. Not now. Not yet. Let's start at her right arm. I'm working up her forearm, kiss her upper arm… She runs her hand through my hair now. Her shoulder. We're getting closer. I let my tongue wander down her collar bone. There's the spot we both know.
She moans in pleasure for the first time. It won't have been the last one, Audrey, I promise.
Her body slightly moves in waves. It's so good to kiss her breasts. The water drops that I saw earlier, they're salty from the sea water. I feel that she's softly pushing me down further. But there's the sand on her stomach.
For the first time she opens her eyes and looks at me. Now what smartypants?, she jokes, blocked your own way?
I lean over and kiss that big smile. Just you wait…
There's her knee. I slowly run my hand up the inner side of her thigh. She's all tingly now, moving her legs towards my hand.
Stop moving your legs, I whisper into her ear, I don't want the sand to be everywhere.
She stops moving around and just spreads her legs to let me get down there.
On the way down, I barely see the sand on her stomach, that covers her ugly scar. Shut off your mind, stupid.
No, I can't. Before I slide my two fingers into her, I check my hand again, if there's no drop of blood, no scratch from the branches up in the wood. I can't risk that.
Everything's good. Now stop thinking and just give yourself to the passion.
Like the day before yesterday. We did it the whole night long.
Like in the past two hours on boat.
I know exactly what she needs. It took me a while to find out, twelve years ago, but I'll never forget. Sex is easy, compared to this. Finding the right spot with my tongue is like navigating through the valleys without a compass.
Her hands are on my shoulders now.
I softly push them away with my free hand. She knows why.
I already pushed her hands away two days ago. It had always been great to feel her nails boring into my skin, when she climaxed. But now the risk is just too big. I can't risk you making me bleed. There's a lot at stake, Audrey.
At least one of us has to keep a level head, and it will be me, since you're clearly the one who's only ruled by passion now.
A loud moan of pleasure comes out of her lips. That's it.
She collapses back into the sand, eyes closed.
I stay where I am… I'll give you a minute, Audrey, and then I'll send you there once more. And again, if you want to. I can read you like an open book right now. You tell me, how long we'll continue.
Five times later, she needs a break. I don't want to admit, but: me, too.
She grabs my hand and tears me over to the water. Take it off, she tells me, pulling at my T-shirt. I do.
Where are you going, Audrey?
I only have my boxers on, she's fully naked, as she grabs my by the hand and walks into the water. The beach is so shallow that we really have to walk for a while. The water is already waist deep, as she stops walking.
There we are. What now?, I ask her. I thought she wanted to go swimming, but obviously not.
She comes closer and lies her hands at my chest. I know what you're afraid of, she says.
You do? You have no idea, Audrey.
You're afraid I might catch your infection, she says, letting her hand slowly slide down my body, but we're in the water. There's absolutely no risk here.
Just before she reaches the waistband of my boxers, I firmly grab her hand and stop her.
You have no idea, Audrey. Don't you feel my trembling?
I pull her closer into a tight embrace, just to have something to hold on.
She deserves to know.
No.
I can't tell her.
She'll not be able to handle this.
Sengala.
Don't think back.
She's got a right to know. I always told her everything.
Damn it.
Now or never.