The two agents stood and stared in disbelief as the portal closed and the blue light vanished, a blue compass symbol blinking away.
"So, what now?" asked Agent Two.
"What now?!" Agent One beamed with his hands out. "We finally got the evidence we needed to be taken seriously!"
With a swoop of his hand, he cleared a space in front of him. Among the ruined bloodstained pipes, he typed rapidly on a keyboard. Four camera screens lit up after static appeared. The first one showed Blitzo and Moxxie fighting the agents, the second one displayed Millie fighting with her ax. The third showed Loona fighting a guy with a curved sword and the fourth showed in red, Stolas appearing in his demon form, the agents cowering.
Under the flickering rectangular ceiling light, the two agents smiled and put on their sunglasses at the same time.
Agent One paused the screens, showing the faces of a smiling Blitzo, Moxxie in the background, Millie with an ax, Loona with teeth barred and a regal Stolas in battle. The screens faded as "no signal" appeared on them in green.
"Nobody in corporate is ignoring this," said Agent One before letting out a dark evil laugh.
Agent One typed in a series of passwords and found the emails of several corporate members. After sending the videos, they proceeded to upload said videos to YouTube, with the title, "WOW! Camera Footage of Real Demons Attacking Our HQ! #D.H.O.R.K.S-4-Life."
They smiled and looked at each other again. Now that their camera feeds had been sent out, they figured their lives would change for the better.
Then they looked around the debris-filled room, littered with the bodies of their fallen agent comrades. Agent Two had a bloody lip and Agent One was battered in the face. They frowned.
"So...do you think we should call those demon scum back to help clean up this mess?" asked Agent Two.
"Certainly not!" Agent One cried. "Didn't you see that terrifying owl demon? He was this close to killing us on the spot! Besides, they won't be coming back."
Agent Two grinned a bit. "Indeed, not! And those demons won't be coming back for good once the military and government hunt them down!"
"In Hell?"
"First on Earth, if any more show up," Agent Two replied, brushing off her shirt. She began to lift up debris and move it around. Agent One swept up dirt and glass shards on the floor, trying not to gag at the stench of the fresh corpses.
Agent Two continued. "Then perhaps we'll develop technology advanced enough to travel to their world. Perhaps we'll be able to deflect their dark magic using powerful ray devices. Hmm…do you think we could eventually give tours of the afterlife dimensions?"
Agent One almost tripped over a fallen pipe with a gasp. His eyes were wide under his shades. "Nonsense, Two! It'll be very hard to fight off hordes of demons in the first place! Not to mention the angels will probably take care of them."
"So there are angels as well…" she mused.
"Of course. Didn't you hear the reports? 'Yellow Sheep Cherub Saves My Life After A Boulder Fell On Me.' 'Got Drunk On Holy Spirit Water; Angels Comfort Me.' 'Saved From Wild Animals, Hope That Sheep Survived.' 'God Is Real; His Angels Hold The Secret to Immortality!'"
"That last article was the most interesting," remarked Agent Two. "It makes sense; if the cherubs can keep healing and blessing people, humanity can live long lives and not have to worry about a bad afterlife."
"Until now, that is," Agent One mentioned. "That's what they wanted us to think before. But now that we know that demons and Hell exist, this changes everything! More than likely, it was Heaven's way to keep people brainwashed to hide the truth about the sufferings and exterminations the sinners have to go through! If humans were to know about all that…"
"…Then they'd think it was unfair. They'd question their life choices more, be less stupid and berate the elite angels for hiding the truth and separating their family members into the 'desirable' and 'deviant' categories."
"Heh. Even in the afterlife, social class and elitism still exist."
"I'd love to know more."
"Me too, Two, but right now, we gotta get this place cleaned up. Our monitors and cameras cost hundreds of dollars, ya know!"
Agent Two sighed. "Great. Now we're broke."
Agent One winked. "Not broke. Woke!"
With a roll of her eyes, Agent Two got to work. They both strained and cleared away all the debris on the floor before burning it outside. Afterwards, they stared in disgust and despair at the bloodstained walls, hallways, floors and ceilings. Standing in the dilapidated hallway, a lone light cover hung haphazardly from the ceiling as sparks flew from a flickering fluorescent light. The industrial gray hallway looked more grimy and uninviting than ever. Flies began to buzz around the bodies, flesh turning blue and black near the lower areas.
"Now, whose gonna get rid of the bodies?" asked Agent One.
After a pause, they both pointed at each other and yelled, "Not Me!"
"Why should I have to do it?" asked Agent Two.
"Because I'm number One!"
"First is the worst, second is the best! That means you gotta do it," she sang.
Agent One folded his arms. "No way. Ladies first!"
"Man up and do it, One!" she barked.
"You're a strong lady. Surely you can handle the job."
"How uncouth for a gentleman to think that!"
They both pondered in thought, pacing back and forth until…
"Let's settle this with good ol' Rock Paper Scissors!" said Agent Two.
"Best 2 out of three."
"No. Just one round."
"You're no fun."
They held out their hands in fists and faced each other. "Ready?" asked Agent One. Agent Two nodded. "You're so on."
They both chanted, "Rock, Paper, Scissors…" as Agent Two said "Shoot!" a moment later.
"Hey, no fair!" said Agent One. "I had Rock, you had Scissors; you can't just switch to Paper!"
Agent Two smirked. "You were supposed to do yours at the fourth 'Shoot' instead of at 'Scissors!'"
"How was I supposed to know that?! Rematch, now!"
"And say 'Shoot' this time, One!"
"Urgh. Fine."
They both did Rock Paper Scissors again. Agent One won the first round and Agent Two won the second round. It was a tie between them.
"This is ridiculous," sighed Agent Two. "Can't we just do it together?"
"Not without finishing the last round. Besides, I don't wanna get sick."
"We'll get sick for sure if we just leave those bodies there. Or don't move somewhere else!"
"Where else can we go? This is the only D.H.O.R.K.S. (Demon Hunting Organization of Rad Kooky Suckers) station around here."
"It's not a station anymore," said Agent Two. "More like a gravesite."
"Oh? You scared of ghosts now? Wanna switch careers and be a ghost buster? Who you gonna call, hmm?" asked Agent One.
Agent Two smirked. "Your mom, like that demon said."
"My mom's dead!" Agent One cried, running his hands through his short brown hair. "Stop mentioning that!"
"Okay, sorry, sorry," said Agent Two, holding up her hands. "Maybe it would've been safer to focus on ghosts instead of demons." Agent One took some deep breaths and sniffed.
"Yeah, and update our passwords, too," Agent One remarked as they headed back into the dimmed green room with the array of cameras. "I mean, why not make the password "1337" or "A.A.H.W." or something. Who came up with "11111" for the keypad anyway?"
Agent Two gave him a look and raised an eyebrow. "Uh, you did. It's all in the number, One."
"Oh damn it, you're right!" he scowled.
"Hmpth. At least my password of six 6s for the outside door was cool! Because demons."
Agent One rolled his eyes. "Yeah, sure."
The two of them made it into the room and stared at the screens replaying Blitzo, Moxxie, Millie and Loona on their various killing missions on Earth.
"At least we still have some evidence," Agent Two mentioned as the screens blinked on and off.
"Yes," agreed Agent One. He narrowed his eyes, facing his comrade. "Now…to finish this, once and for all!"
Agent Two narrowed her eyes in return. "You don't have to tell me twice!"
They held out their fists, getting ready to begin their final Rock Paper Scissors match…
Just then, they heard a rumbling noise and what sounded like a cat screech from outside. Agent One turned and lifted away the blinds from a barred window. There was a dark figure moving outside in the alley.
"Great Scott!" Agent One gasped. "I think the police found us!"
"You're kidding," Agent Two replied, scratching her short light-colored hair. "How could they have found us?!"
"Maybe because we burned the debris outside," said Agent One, "…when you could've burned the bodies as well." He gave her a stern look.
"Why would I disrespect their families?" she asked. "Surely they'd want to see what happened to their brave agent loved ones."
"We're supposed to remain covert from everyone."
"Sure, and we have a public YouTube account for that exact purpose!" Agent Two shot back in sarcasm.
Agent One shook his head in frustration. "Once they find all the bodies and our location, we'll be arrested for sure!"
Agent Two turned her attention to the cameras and smiled. "Not if we can prove that it was the demons who killed all our comrades!"
"Seriously, Two? Everyone still thinks were crazy kooks! No one will believe us yet, least of all the police."
Agent Two waved a hand and made a "psh," sound. "Relax, One. Once we show them the evidence, we'll get off scot free in no time!"
She stood, confident with her hands on her hips…just as a low groaning sound was heard…
"Get down!" called Agent One, leaping onto her and rolling her out of the way. Agent Two yelped in response. With a loud, ear-shattering crash, the monitors and screens collapsed to the ground, right where the agents stood moments before. The room filled with dust, sparks and the foul metallic odor of machinery. The screens were now broken and detached from the wall, leaving nothing but exposed wires and dark gaps in the wall. A posture of a stern green haired lady agent called Snake from Zoophobia hung on another wall, staring at them as if she knew they had made fools of themselves. Another poster showed a suited agent with glasses eating green and brown wheat cereal, holding an invisible spoon in his hand as the caption read, "There is no spoon. Seeing isn't always believing."
Agent Two gasped as Agent One crouched over her, using his body as a shield. They stared at each other for a long tense moment, briefly lifting up their sunglasses to stare into each other's eyes.
Then Agent One asked, "You were saying about the evidence?"
Agent Two groaned loudly in frustration, hoisting herself up. "Come on, One. Let's give ourselves up. Or flee. Or for starters, see what the commotion is about."
"Don't forget your weapons."
"Roger that."
They brushed themselves off, grabbed their stun guns and headed out of the building.
"You'll still have to dispose of the bodies," Agent Two whispered to him.
Agent One sighed. "We don't even have proper protective equipment for that."
"Yes, we do. It's in the storage closet."
"And where is that?"
"That pile of rubble over there."
Agent One stared in disbelief at the charred remains of the cleaning supplies. "God, why?!"
0 0 0
It was still dark out when the agents wandered outside. There were several open dumpsters and a rolled over trash can from the previous battle. Agent One heard a cat meowing and chasing after a rat. The cat purred as he chomped down onto the rat and pained squeaks were heard.
Agent One gulped. "This ain't a good idea. Youse think we'll get mugged or robbed?"
"Quit bein' such a wimp," Agent Two whispered. "We do stuff like this all the time. Why you scared now?"
"That owl demon may be watching us."
"He's gone now," she hissed. "We can't let one setback deter us from searching for other supernatural paraphernalia."
"Youse saying there are worse demons out there?"
"Hopefully not on Earth, but I'm also talking about other spirits."
"Do you think…I could communicate with my mom?" Agent One asked hopefully.
"Nu-nuh," she shook her head. "Remember that last time we tried to use that Ouija board during our Haunted High School party?"
"Yes…"
"Absolutely nothing happened that night. It was pretty boring."
"Oh."
"…but I always felt like something was watching us for several days afterward. Could explain why we had such bad luck after burning the board…"
"Why were we so stupid?"
"Don't ask me. Ask yourself."
"Hey, shut up."
"You shut up."
"Shhh!" Agent One shushed her. "Remember, we can't be seen!"
His foot caught onto a turned-over, garbage can. With a "whoa!" he stumbled and face planted onto the littered ground with a loud crash, his feet in the air.
He groaned and picked himself up as Agent Two held in a snicker.
"Excuse me, number one, but you're currently being the loudest."
"I said shush up, Two!" Agent One seethed, brushing away garbage from his hair and clothing. He straightened his logo on his suit, a white D over a red triangle. "Go scout our surroundings. I have a feeling we're getting close."
Agent Two chuckled again before scaling a nearby wall with rungs on it. She made it up to the rooftops under a full moon, stalking through the night like a black cat super villain. At last, after a few jumps, she peered over the edge. Taking out a near transparent drone device, she pressed a button and the device beeped. After a moment, the device beeped again, with the words "Portal Sighted," on the small screen.
"Agent One," she spoke through a walkie-talkie. "I found a portal up ahead. At 1:00."
"I did, too. 13:00," he replied.
'What does that mean again?"
"It's military time for 1:00."
"AM or PM? And is the portal ahead or behind you? Wait what time is it, anyway?" she asked.
"Just…follow my lead," Agent One sighed.
Agent Two jumped gracefully from the roof, landing on her feet near Agent One.
Just then, the agents heard voices coming from a nearby corner up ahead. They crept closer to the sound, guns drawn. They saw dark shadows dance on the wall…shadows that did not appear human-like at all.
Agent One held in a gasp. "It's the horned demon-scum!" he breathed.
"They're back already?" asked Agent Two.
"They'll be sorry they messed with us."
They listened to the voices ahead.
"I'm telling you sir, there's a dangerous cult on the loose. Heard rumors that they hunt down creatures that aren't human. Why're we here anyway?"
"Because a messenger told one of our own that they were on the loose again. And by 'they,' I mean the crude assassins."
"It's always them, isn't it? No wonder the cherubs got so stressed out. I've never cared much of mortals and especially not those creatures from down below. Our superiors grow more suspicious of us each day. If we don't come back with something to prove…"
"We will this time. We have to. Our lives and the lives of humans depend on it…"
"Wait, sir, I heard something…"
Just then, Agent One and Agent Two appeared into the light.
"Freeze, demon scum!"
The figures appeared as well, aiming glowing staffs.
"Freeze, satanic cultists!"
The four individuals took several looks at each other, taken aback. The agents stared at what appeared to be creatures wearing white clothing. Both had dark teal faces (the taller one had part of his face black), pointed ears and eyes in shades of dark blue with white pupils. The shorter one had black hair and wore a white suit with a teal bow tie. He wore matching pants and white boots with teal at the tops. The taller elf barred his unusually sharp white teeth.
"Who are you humans?" he asked, his voice having a slight echo to it.
"We're agents, thank you very much," said Agent One. "And who are you demons?"
The smaller elf scowled. "How rude of you to say."
The two elves, Tirred and Docile spread out their white feathery wings, white glowing spiked halos appearing over their heads.
The two agents stared in amazement. Agent Two gasped. "Wha…hold on…you're angels?!"
"Obviously," Docile shrugged. "Are you that dangerous Satanic cult we've been warned about?"
"Goodness no!" Agent One cried. "We're D.H.O.R.K.S."
Tirred snickered as Agent One explained, "We're a secret organization that hunts down paranormal activity, specifically demons. We don't work for any demon."
"Good!" said Tirred. "Now please move along. We have some fugitives to catch."
The elves walked forward but stopped when Agent Two grinned and aimed her gun.
"Hold up…you're angels, yes? Hmm…perhaps you could help us convince more people that angels and demons are real. And you could let us study you…that is…if you want to live!" The agents grinned evilly.
The elves stood unfazed. "Look lady," said Docile, "We're on a very serious mission and we can't afford to stay with some random kooky organization of occultic nerds…"
"What did you just say?!" bellowed Agent One in anger.
"I appreciate you trying to protect Earth…"
"And those cherubs do to!" added Agent Two.
Docile lowered his head. "They fell to Hell."
"Oh dear."
"Anyway, we have no business in collaborating with you…" Docile began.
Thud.
A dart from one of the agent's guns hit Tirred on the neck.
"Ha!" cried Agent Two. "You guys aren't going anywhere!"
Without taking his eyes off of the agents, Docile held the stumbling, mumbling Tirred with one arm. As Tirred's eyes fluttered closed, Docile muttered a chant. Tirred's body lit up blue, and his neck steamed up, the dart melting away like wax. The wound closed up and the light faded. Tirred opened his eyes and shook his head as he stood back up. Agent One fired another dart, but Docile caught it expertly with one hand. He crushed it in his fist, letting the pieces fall to the ground.
"Oh, a smart guy, huh?" asked Agent One. "Too bad we got you cornered."
But the elves weren't cornered at all. From behind them, several portals opened up. One led to the Heaven the elves came from, one showed the familiar crimson red sky of Hell and another led to a place with a much darker sky. Docile turned to see his colleagues Timmid the elf and Sunna the brown heavencat waving from the heavenly side of the portal.
The agents gasped too. "No way! Heaven and Hell do exist after all!"
"Wait a second," Docile said, his face a look of concern. "I thought you humans only believed in angels."
"Not anymore we won't!" said Agent One. "We believed in demons for a while now. Demons won't last long once everyone knows!"
"I mean, I'm all for humans learning to not become sinners and gradually learning about the existence of demons. Heaven is elite and full of lying hypocrites after all…" Docile began.
Agent Two chuckled. "Oh, it won't be gradual! We just sent footage of the demon scum attacking our headquarters to the government!"
Docile stared in pure shock. Glowing eyes appeared on his wings and his teeth shone in the night. "YOU FUCKING WHAT?! You just potentially endangered the living world and the afterlife worlds! I'd have an urge to cleanse your filthy souls with a holy dick in your dumbasses…"
Tirred stared agape, as did the agents.
Docile turned toward Timmid and Sunna as the agents inched closer.
"Shit, close them!" Docile called.
A fearful Timmid chanted a psalm from the Bible in her hands. All the portals shrank until they became nothing. Docile briefly got shocked by a blast from Agent Two. "Wait! No!" cried Sunna, reaching out a paw, but the portal had already closed.
Docile and Tirred leaned back against the wall. The agents had their guns drawn. Now the elves were truly cornered. Flashes of blue lighting hit the elves, shocking them.
"Surrender angel clowns, and we won't hurt you anymore," said Agent One.
"Back off you tuxedo-wearing freaks," Tirred spat. Both of them winced at the pain and tried not to go under.
"That was pretty badass," said Agent One.
"Super badass!" Agent Two replied with a pose.
As the agents were about to aim their guns again, the elves disappeared in a flash of light.
"Hey, where'd they go?" asked Agent Two as they looked around.
In a flash, the two elves teleported behind them.
"What the…" Agent One began before he was knocked against the wall with a swing of Docile's staff. Agent Two whirled around to punch Tirred, but she missed as he ducked. Tirred knocked the gun out of her hands and landed several karate kicks. Agent Two wheezed in pain before she was knocked to the ground as well. The two agents crawled backwards in terror and pain until their backs met the wall. The shadows of the elves passed over their faces as they crept closer.
"You mortals made a careless mistake, abruptly introducing demons to mankind," stated Docile. His staff glowed purple and angelic choir music began to play from it. The melody and harmonized chants floated around, caressing the agents' ears. It was so beautiful and ethereal that the agents were suddenly fine with letting themselves be embraced by sleep. They felt strangely safe in the presence of these angel strangers.
"M-Mother, is that you?" breathed Agent One, his head lowered, eyelids drooping.
"Before we erase your memories, how about you tell us where your hideout is and how this whole mess came about," said Docile.
Tirred grinned evilly. "And since you love demons so much, you'll tell us where we can find I.M.P."
The agents' worlds faded into black.
0 0 0
Back at the E.L.F. office, Timmid buried her face in her hands. "No! No, no, no! We were so close."
Sunna stood with concern on her face, vastly different from her usual sunny outlook. Instead of her usual white dress with a sun on it, she wore blue pants and a white short sleeve shirt with a black cross on it.
"D-did you hear that? Our boss just swore out loud! Plus, he used innuendos and euphemisms. He never does that! That means it's serious."
"Oh no, he'll be banished from Heaven for sure!" cried Timmid.
"Technically he only did it on Earth, but…"
"What're we gonna do?" Timmid wailed.
"Open it again," Sunna deadpanned.
"I-I'm too sacred. Since Docile isn't here, I don't open it unless…"
"Open the bucking portal, now!" Sunna yelled, picking up Timmid by her shirt. She then let go. From a clean emergency backpack, Timmid collected a few bottles of holy healing water and took out a large sword with the sides sharp like a chainsaw. It was teal blue with a white cross in the center. On the hilt, she pressed a curved Christian fish button and the weapon lit up in white flames.
"Nice," Sunna smiled, who had transformed into her African American human form.
Timmid felt more courageous as she stepped out of the portal…
…into the quiet empty night. Sunna followed.
"They aren't here!" she exclaimed in distraught.
Sunna sniffed the air and ground. "Smells like they went this way. Come on, let's catch those horrible twins!"
They raced off into the night and easily found the remains of the D.H.O.R.K.S. building. They climbed over rubble and debris, carefully avoiding exposed wire and pipes along the way.
0 0 0
Agent Two's eyes slowly fluttered open. She looked around and saw that she was in a dim room…the same room where they had interrogated the imps. She looked down with a gasp. She was tied to a chair with rope, while Agent One was tied to another chair behind her.
A figure leaned in and shone a light onto Agent Two. "Finally awake huh? Little mortal?" It was the grinning face of Tirred, wearing Agent Two's sunglasses. Docile stood on the other side, wearing Agent One's sunglasses. Agent One slowly woke up as well.
"My, my, how the tables have turned," mused Docile, as he adjusted his sunglasses, his wings folded behind him.
"Agent Two? Where are you?" he slurred.
"Behind you."
"Touching my butt?"
"No, I'm tied up."
Agent One looked down and strained against the ropes. "Dammit, I am too!"
"No, you're One," deadpanned Agent Two.
Agent One looked around. "W-where are the bodies?"
Docile mentioned to a still-working camera that showed the elves carrying the agents through the rubble. They were shown tying the agents up before moving off to the side. Docile and Tirred held hands, lowering their heads in prayer at the litter of bodies. Light shone from their forms and staffs, making the screen shake. Through another portal, a looming angel with a pale gaunt face, sunken black eyes and long black hair appeared on the scene: Azrael. All the corpses were lifted into the air, the wounds healed before they all vanished into the air. Azrael gazed darkly into the camera before vanishing in shadow. After much of the building was repaired by more magic, Docile collapsed in exhaustion, Tirred watching over him. Several hours had passed.
Docile smashed the screen with a fist.
"Aw man, that was entertaining evidence!" cried Agent One.
"I thought angels could bring back the dead," said Agent Two.
"No one can, not even the cherubs," Tirred mentioned.
"Well technically, if a human dies, ourselves or the cherubs could revive them from death provided it occurs a couple minutes or less after they die," Docile pondered. "Doesn't explain why sinners can revive themselves in Hell…"
"Getting off topic again, sir. Interrogation, remember?"
"Right."
Docile cleared his throat. "Those bodies you saw have been magically transferred to a nearby gravesite, each under separate sheets. The families of the fallen will be notified of their deceased loved ones telepathically by Gabriel before dawn. It will be assumed that your organization, which will now be revealed, led to the kooks challenging each other to death in combat and that there was an argument over the existence of demons. Until humanity is ready to admit their faults and have more courage, they cannot know of demons' existence."
"Ha!" barked Agent One. "It's already too late!"
"Even so…" said Tirred. "Your agents are now in Hell."
The two agents shuddered.
"Now we never kill unless the threat is too great," stated Docile. "And we could easily erase your memories right now. However…we have some questions for you kooks."
"Stop saying that!" barked Agent Two.
"Quiet," hissed Tirred, shining the light in her face, making her flinch.
"Tell us, agents," said Docile. "Who do you work for? The Illuminati?"
"It's more like the SCP Organization mixed with A.A.H.W. mixed with Men in Black mixed with the Matrix, mixed with…"
"Direct answer, please!"
"It's D.H.O.R.K.S.!" said Agent Two as Agent One burst out laughing.
"It's not funny!" Tirred yelled. "How did you humans get all this technology in the first place?" The elves shone the light back and forth over the agents.
"Also, why are you hunting demons?" asked Docile.
"When did you show up here?" asked Tirred.
"Alright, I'm gonna stop you right there," said Agent One as the elves moved the light back in place. "First of all, we just woke up from a very peaceful dream…"
"And a very nasty shock," added Agent Two.
"…and I'm still feeling woozy, so I'm gonna request you to fetch us some coffee before we get into this."
"It'd better not be iced," growled Docile. "That stuff sucks."
Agent Two added, "I'll have a pumpkin spiced latte with four ounces of gluten-free soy milk, make sure it looks nice and orange and smells like pumpkin, only use organic ingredients in the process…and I ain't white but I can enjoy pumpkin spiced lattes any time I want. Be sure they don't use my real name and spell my number wrong on the cup, not like "To," or "Too," I hate that. Might as well throw watermelons into the faces of racists and watch them gleefully eat it off like hungry entitled monkeys…"
"Enough!" Tirred screamed as both agents doubled down in laughter. "I'm not giving you idiots coffee!"
"Need I remind you that you are at our mercy now," Docile said coldly. "Tell us when you last saw I.M.P."
"Who?"
"The assassin demons you caught on your cameras!"
"Those demons ransacked our headquarters then left to Hell after a scary owl demon king transported them there!" called Agent One.
"An owl demon…from the first Hell," pondered Docile. "Must've been Stolas of the Ars Goetia. Be thankful it wasn't the other Stolas; you would've been bird food."
"You don't even know who we are," said Agent Two.
"Who are you?" asked Tirred.
"Your worst nightmare!"
The agents cackled again.
"We can easily look into your heads if we have to," Tirred warned.
"Oh, are you sure you want to peer into our thoughts, angels?" asked Agent One with a smirk. "They might be very dirty."
"I learned my brief swearing from Samael," Docile deadpanned. "I can handle a little dirt."
"Did Sammy get kinky and torture you, too?" asked Agent Two before Docile grew red in the face in embarrassment.
"It was a horrible experience!"
"I bet he secretly liked it. Even angels get kinky too," mocked Agent One.
"Shut up, you ungrateful sickos!" Tirred snapped, patting a fuming Docile on the shoulder. "We're not getting kinky with you humans!"
"It'll be a rainy day in Heaven before that ever happens!" scowled Docile.
"Well, we've been studying how similar angels and demons really are," said Agent One. "Why not try it out for ourselves?" Tirred and Docile flinched back in disgust.
"Don't let them get to you, sir," said Tirred to Docile, pulling him to the side. "They're just trying to mess with us."
Tirred looked over at a separate room with controls. Then he looked at Docile with a smirk. "So, the humans want to play games, huh?" he spoke in a low voice.
"Uh, I don't like what you're thinking, Tirred…" he whispered.
"If we can't get answers out of them, we'll just try another way."
Tirred led Docile out of the room, closed the door and then arrived at the control room. Tirred grinned and pushed his fist onto the glowing green "Truth Bomb" button.
"A taste of their own medicine!" Tirred beamed with a chuckle. Docile looked on in worry.
0 0 0
"Oh man, what do we do now?" sighed Agent Two.
"Keep trying to escape, I guess," Agent One replied, struggling to no avail.
"I'm sure someone will try and rescue us," said Agent Two. "I bet corporate is on their way right now. Or maybe the angels will feel sorry for us and let us go. I hope so."
As the green fumes entered the room, Agent One spat, "You and your idealistic nature. You never listen to my ideas. All it is with you is, 'One, you're no fun.' 'You're a serious one, One, let me be in charge.' How unprofessional and pathetic."
"Pathetic?" Agent Two asked. "You're the one who threw that tantrum when those demons insulted your mother! Without me around, you would've given into your impulses long ago."
She glanced down. "Crap! They're filling the room with the truth bomb!"
"Urgh! I knew we never should've trusted those angels. The supernatural can never be trusted!"
"Then why hunt for demons in the first place?"
"Because they distracted me from being with my mother. On a mission, you and I fought with a few dark spirits that had chased us after we burned that Ouija board. And what happened next? She died before I had a chance to say goodbye." Agent One bawled in tears. "I wanted to dedicate my life to the government, to be in a position where my nerdiness and desire to save others could come in handy. But mostly I just wanted the money! It would've helped me a lot to expand on my Dorks and Dweebs card game!"
"I'm so sorry, but it serves you right for burning it."
"It was your idea. Why are you fascinated by demons anyway?"
"Because men like you ain't good enough. I wanted some excitement! Oh sorry…"
"Excitement?" Agent One asked. "You mean you were attracted to me like I briefly was to you?"
Agent Two said, "I was before I discovered I like women and science better. Just the thought of me dominating a succubus makes me feel…"
She sighed happily before reeling back in disgust. "What? Ew! Why'd I say that?!"
"I can't believe you!" cried Agent One. "Maybe that demonic owl possession got to you too much."
"I thought I was gonna die! But briefly when it was inside me, it kinda felt…good…when I was out of my head…Oh no, forget what I said!"
"Oh Two, I've said so many lies to you!" cried Agent One as they both bawled.
Tirred chuckled as he ate popcorn from a bowl and drank a soda. "This is gonna be a good night!"
"God dammit, Two, this is all your fault!" shouted Agent One.
"How is this my fault?!" Agent Two asked in anger.
The two agents then experienced hallucinations.
Agent Two
Agent Two awoke to the sound of an overhead humming fan. The world morphed in front of her, changing from a dimly lit room into a larger room with a wooden floor and coverings with red square outlines on them. Black and red punching bags hung on chains and a nearby gong with the organization logo on it reflected light off a wall. The dojo room had several people in white karate uniforms practicing with each other. One of them chopped a pile of blocks in half with his hand. She glanced down and noticed that she had a white uniform on as well, only the belt was rainbow colored instead of black.
"Agent One? Are you in here?" she called. She peered out through a window and saw that they were hovering in space. A shooting star whizzed by, and a flying glittery star cat meowed with sparkles in its eyes. Red roofed Japanese temples hovered in the background.
Very soon, traditional music began to play and the attendees in the room stood at attention in rows.
"What is this music?" she asked. "Is this a prank, because I swear to Amaterasu it is…"
"It is no prank, Two," said a voice with a low accent used by a stereotypical spy.
Walking through the space was none other than Agent One, dressed in a golden uniform with a black belt around his waist. The other attendees put their hands together and lowered their heads as Agent One passed them.
"One? What're you doing here? And why do you sound like that?"
"Because you're as high as a rocket!"
Agent One then lowered his head and bowed. Agent Two did the same.
"Shall we begin?" he asked. Agent Two nodded.
The attendees stepped back and made a large circle for the agents. The agents circled around with tension, judging the other's moves. Before she could blink, Agent One was in front of her, sending out a kick that almost made her fall to the ground. She recovered and did several kicks and punches of her own. After getting Agent One in the side, he maneuvered backwards to dodge her offensive kicks.
Agent Two then groaned as a hard fist landed onto her abdomen. She seethed and continued to press forward.
"You're losing focus," Agent One remarked. "It's affecting your technique." The attendees stared at her with judging eyes.
"I never lose focus," she retorted with several arm thrusts. She held up an arm in front of her face as his fist made an impact. It sent her jaw throbbing.
"How could this be?" she sang.
"What is this pain?
I've never tried ecstasy, THC or cocaine
It's a bad trip, A wastashi no!
Of course someone like you would show!
I speak in honesty
Please do not judge me"
"I will not," Agent One harmonized as he spun a pole weapon in the air.
"Not trying to divulge too deep
In this strange sleep
But first of all…
Kuso kurae!"
"What?" Agent One growled, advancing forward.
"This is just typical, well two can play at this game," she sang, as both their pole weapons clashed.
"Why must you try and dominate everything?" asked Agent Two. "Am I just second best?"
"Because your life is all a test," replied Agent One in song.
"Why does it seem like a recurring thing that you alienate with your toxic routine?" Agent Two asked.
"Constant work in the company, that's the way it all goes," he replied.
"But your true reasons, nobody knows," she said.
For a while, they realized that they were equally matched. For every offensive attack one of them did, the other easily did defense. Eventually, the attendees chorused in song and a spotlight shone on the two agents from above. A large Yin-Yang symbol appeared below them, Agent One on the black and Agent Two on the white.
"Why must you feel ashamed and blue, Two?" sang Agent One.
"I'm scared of rejection, I can't fathom," replied Agent Two.
"Why must you imagine that pretty lady in front of you?"
Agent Two found herself on top of a dark-skinned lady with bat wings that appeared. "It gives me an erection and orgasm…hey!" The woman vanished.
"I've been a kook, it's true," Agent One said as they stood back-to-back, weapons in hand.
"You've been a kook, it's true," Agent Two harmonized, head lifted slightly.
"Don't hide your feelings inside, embrace your abilities with pride," said Agent One. "And know that I won't always win."
"That you won't always win," she harmonized.
"Through any kind of weather, we'll always be together," harmonized Agent Two and Agent One as they faced each other, practicing at ease with smiles of a colleague friendship.
"Yin and Yang, Moon and Sun
Separate but whole, Two become One.
Once we're back as ourselves once more
I'll be a better partner than I was before"
"So long as we don't step out of line
Or get killed by the divine,
Everything will become
Fiiinneee!"
Agent Two felt better as a gong sounded three times and her world turned black.
0 0 0
Agent One
Agent One's world swirled in a dizzying array of psychedelic colors. The walls appeared to breathe and soon faded into rainbow swirls. As he blinked his eyes, demonic sigils and voodoo symbols flashed in and out in bold colors. The sounds of wind and the faint rumblings of machinery were heard.
Just when he thought he couldn't take it anymore, black spots danced before him, and a ringing sound briefly chimed uncomfortably in his ears. After his world turned dark, he thought he was awake.
But at the same time, he was somewhere else. Somewhere else that appeared familiar.
Glancing down, he saw he was wearing a tan-brown suit that looked like a ghostbusters costume. It had plastic ray guns and tools in the belt around his waist. His arms and legs were covered, and he wore clunky boots as well. His sunglasses were missing, replaced by cheap-looking red goggles.
Surrounding him were metal industrial walls, a high darkened ceiling with flickering tubes of light overhead. Propaganda signs read in bold letters, "Do Your Job!" "Eyes Forward. Don't Ask Questions." "Be The Best At What You Do." "You Belong To The State, Not Vice-Versa." "Unity With Purpose, Join Today!"
"What is this place?" he asked. His voice was swallowed by the darkness ahead. He felt himself being sucked forward into another room. The windows overlooked a city at night.
Sitting behind a towering black desk was a large man in a black suit with a bald head. Sunglasses covered his face and the name tag on his desk read William Fisk.
"King Pin, sir?" Agent One exclaimed.
"You should know that I always speak first. I must ask you, how long have you been working for corporate?"
"Several years, sir."
Several other agents appeared beside him. They glanced at his garb and rolled their eyes. Agent Two appeared with her head lowered, strangely in a regular suit.
"You and Two would have held great positions in this company…had you taken your duties seriously."
"But we have, sir," said Agent One. "We filed all 1,337 of your papers detailing Project G7-29. Your past experiences dealing with spices, drugs and home movies will never reach prying eyes."
"Yet…" King Pin said, clearing his throat. "My boss says you and Two have been parading around town, babbling out conspiracy theories about demons. Any reasonable person would focus on keeping this company in the green instead of obsessing over fantasy creatures."
"They're real!" pleaded Agent Two. "We can prove it."
"All you have proved is that you two are incompetent, superstitious, unprofessional, and downright eccentric."
"Kooks! Kooks!" chanted the other agents, laughing and pointing at them.
"But sir!" protested Agent Two. "If we can prove the existence of demons, it'll change everything! We could get the supernatural on our side and who knows how strong we could get. Science infused with demonic magic could have incredible potential. Worlds could be conquered, and the mysteries of the afterlife will be revealed."
King Pin scoffed. "I doubt that. Tell you what…you won't be fired. You'll just be demoted. Until I see results, get out of my sight!"
Agent One yelled as he fell through the dark, the laughter from the agents ponding in his ears. Agent Two then fell down with him, but her face morphed into the same monstrous grin she had when she was possessed by Stolas. Her black nude body was covered with bloodied gray feathers. She leaned seductively on a floating white D.H.O.R.K.S. sign, staring into his soul. She cracked her neck.
"Are you ready to be dorks, demon hunter? 'Cause you're in for a wild ride!"
Agent Two let out a scary laugh as her figure morphed into a demonic shadow with several red eyes.
Agent One heard a woman's voice call out his name…his real name.
"Mother?"
A white woman with short brown hair wearing a blue dress reached out to him. "Help me, son!"
The shadow demon morphed into a virus as a bunch of 19s flashed in the background. She coughed up blood as the demon virus imbedded black tendrils into her.
"Mother!" Agent One cried, firing his weapon at the virus to no avail. The virus morphed into a laughing red demon with a pitchfork, knocking Agent One back. Crestfallen, he briefly stared at the lifeless face of his mother, before she faded into black ash.
"No, no, no!"
His bulky costume turned back into his suit, and he soon found himself entangled by wires. The wires slithered like snakes, wrapping around his legs and arms.
"Get off me!"
He tried desperately to escape, to scream, to struggle, but the silver strands held him down. Some wrapped around his neck, pinning him against a green wall with a spotlight overhead. An invisible crowd laughed at him from below…and walking into view were the four grinning members of I.M.P.
"How's that for demon scum, kook?!" chuckled Blitzo as he aimed his flintlock pistol at the helpless gaping agent.
A shattering blast flooded through him, and the world went black.
0 0 0
The agents woke up and became more alert as the last of the fumes cleared away.
"Do you remember what you said to me after my first day with the company?" Agent Two asked Agent One.
"Not really."
"I remember. You told me I did a good job. And that you were proud to work with me. I felt like you wanted to say something more judgmental, but…you said that because I needed it." Agent Two turned her head to look at Agent One. "And it helped."
Agent One stared downcast. "Look, I'm hard on you sometimes because I know what you're capable of, Two. You shoot and sneak around well. You're an expert at computers. And I'm too dazed to think of much else."
"Thank you, One."
Just then, Timmid arrived into the room.
"Hello?" she called. "I'm looking for someone named Docile."
"That would be me," Docile called, stepping into the room with Tirred.
"There you are! I thought you were tied up by the agents," said Timmid.
"Long story short, those agents are a bunch of dorks," Docile remarked, shaking his head.
Sunna followed Timmid into the room and waved.
"Sunny?!" cried Docile, hands on his head. "It's dangerous here!"
"Let's get out of here before more sinners show up!" Sunna called, now back in heavencat form.
"Oh no, the gangs all here again," groaned Agent One.
"Anyone who wants to keep the agents tied up, say 'aye!'" called Tirred.
Everyone except Sunna and the agents said "aye!"
"No, please let us go," cried Agent Two. "We'll do anything!"
"Excellent! Let's erase your memories of your deeds to start," said Docile, stepping toward them.
"Or maybe we could possess them and make them amend their sins," Sunna suggested.
"Like that wouldn't be totally suspicious to the humans," Timmid muttered.
"Can angels possess humans and demons?" asked Agent One.
"I guess anyone can possess anything," Agent Two responded.
Just then, there was a flash of light from outside.
"What the heaven was that?" Docile asked.
"Oh no, it's the police I bet," said Agent Two in concern. "Ready to surrender, One?"
"Not really."
The walls were suddenly blasted apart by a sudden array of gunfire. The angels dodged the blows and knocked over the walls with a wave of their staffs.
They soon found themselves surrounded by robotic figures holding automatic rifles and other advanced weaponry. The cyborgs appeared to be wearing all white clothing plus white sunglasses over their eyes. Their skin was ashen gray.
"D.H.O.R.K.S. location discovered," announced one of the robots. "Surrender now, enemy agents."
"Who the heaven are they?" Docile asked.
Agent One gulped. "We forgot to tell you that corporate has another company not as much on the fringe."
Just then, two regular people stepped forward. One was a man with dark skin, dark blonde sleeked-back hair and white sunglasses over his face. He wore a dark pink suit with a white necktie and black undershirt. The logo pinned on his suit was a black C over an upward pointing blue triangle. His comrade was a white-skinned woman with white sunglasses, curly short black hair and a lavender colored suit with the same logo. Agent Negative One and Agent Negative Two.
"At last, D.H.O.R.K.S., we finally found you. As agents of C.H.A.R.M.E.R.S.," called Agent Negative One, "On behalf of corporate, we nearby order you all to stand down. Members of D.H.O.R.K.S. are arrested for plotting conspiracies, doing dark unethical drug experimentation, and distilling fear of demons among the populace."
"But demons are real, I'm telling you!" cried Agent Two.
"You always were a good-for-nothing lunatic," scoffed Agent Negative Two to Agent Two. "Lost in your own head and believing in nonsense instead of doing actual government work with real purpose. Plus, I remember you were so fat in school."
Agent Two looked hurt. "Brat."
"Not to mention putting the lives of your fellow agents in danger and using tacky old medieval weapons in your trainings," chided Agent Negative One.
"The Edo Period was badass, and you know it!" fired Agent Two.
"Dammit, you're right," Agent One said with a small smile.
"Those guys bullied us a lot in school," Agent One mentioned to E.L.F. with a scowl. "Those preps always liked to pick on the 'weird' kids."
"Enough talk, dorks!" bellowed Agent Negative One. "You're coming with us."
"And so are you, cosplaying freaks!" added Agent Negative Two to the angels.
"But we're angels," said Sunna, spreading out her wings.
"Angels, demons and spirits must perish before humanity," said Agent Negative One in a monotone voice. "The truth will remain hidden for the greater good until it no longer exists."
"Or they'll do the bidding of our race forever," added Agent Negative Two. "It is the only way humans will know peace and be able to spread their influence across the galaxies."
Docile and the others glowered at the random cold agents. He turned to Agents One and Two. "Just this once." He waved his staff and the rope fell off of them. The two agents grinned, stood up and took out their guns.
"All-right, angelic teamwork!" Agent Two whooped. "Let's kick some robotic ass!"
"Foreign enemies of all earthly beings (and human enemies of corporate), prepare to meet your doom!" droned Agent Negative One.
"We're not humanity's enemy!" called Timmid to no avail. The battle soon began.
As the shots from gunfire rang out, Agent Two did graceful leaps into the air, knocking down several robots. Agent One fired a stun gun, shocking robots before they could do any damage.
"Perish, dorks!" called Agent Negative One, before he narrowly dodged a blast from Docile's staff. Sunna raced around the rubble and dirt, swiping her paws at the robots and hissing in newfound fury.
Meanwhile, Timmid was screaming and crying as she waved her flaming white chainsaw sword.
"Why am I doing this?!" she cried as she sliced several robots in half all at once.
"Tir, cover me!" called Docile, as the two elves shot blue blasts at the surrounding robots.
"Yes, sir!" Tirred replied.
A robot was about to take Agent Two down from behind, but a blast from Agent One's gun knocked the robot back.
"Some charmers they are," Agent One scoffed.
Taking out a sword, Agent Two sliced another robot agent and reflected back bullets with rapid twirls. Soon, she was jumping and flipping in the air as she avoided blasts from Agent Negative Two's stun gun. After knocking the gun from her hand, Agent Two faced her foe in rapid hand to hand combat. Agent One and his counterpart fired rounds at each other. Agent One managed to graze his foe's shoulder, and he seethed in anger.
"You need a blessed tipped rifle?" Docile asked Timmid. He was drinking water from a flask.
"No thanks," she called.
"How about some holy water?" Docile pulled out a small bottle from his pocket.
"Sure!"
Timmid took the bottle from Docile and gulped down the water. Her wounds were healed, and her energy was restored.
"Thanks, Docile," she called, tossing the empty bottle aside.
"No problem. All this fighting makes me thirsty." Then he glared at the robotic agents and growled with a strange grin. His right eye briefly had a white X glowing over it. "Thirsty for the cleaving of your sinful souls!" He rushed at the enemy, kicking and striking at any he came across.
Just then, after the majority of the robots had fallen, more of them arrived in a marching formation from a nearby landing helicopter with the C.H.A.R.M.E.R.S. logo on it. Docile was shocked out of his more vicious leftover Exorcist mode as a bullet fired from Agent Negative One grazed his arm.
"Oh, come on!" groaned Agent One, before the tired crew was surrounded once more.
"Ha! You criminals aren't going anywhere now!" called Agent Negative Two in triumph. The two D.H.O.R.K.S. agents raised their hands in surrender after their weapons were kicked away.
Before she gave the order to take down the agents and E.L.F., a rustle of wind blew around them. The ground slowly started to shake, and a portal appeared in the darkness.
"Who dares threaten my fellow citizens?" rose a dark voice.
"Who said that?!" ordered Agent Negative One.
A fierce gust of wind blew back the robots and the counterpart agents. An angelic sigil glowing crimson appeared on the ground underneath the portal. Several robots blinked to life; their eyes teal in the dark. From their empty mouths emitted the gut-wrenching sounds of strained breathing and dying moans. Their fake flesh faces almost looked human, despite their zombie-like appearances. Dim golden wings covered with eyes and mouths appeared from the portal hole, showing a four headed creature: one head an eagle, one head an ox, one head a man and the other head a lion. The side with the man's face let out a screeching roar at the enemy agents, causing them to whimper out loud.
The cherub creature morphed again.
With awe and terror, Agent One, Agent Two and E.L.F. stared into the vast form of the angel before them…
…Black long span feathery wings with glowing stern red eyes. A monstrous ghostly face with sunken black eyes that appeared to glow and stand out like black holes. Stringy long black hair blowing in the wind. Faces screaming and contorting in pain covering the visitor's towering body like an abomination. The deadly glint of a scythe in the being's hand. A horrible stench of death surrounding all sides…
The C.H.A.R.M.E.R.S. agents screamed and ran for their lives, fleeing in a helicopter.
The darkness cleared and in a swoop of a shadow, there appeared…
"Azrael?" blinked Docile in surprise. "Wha…hold on, how did you know we needed help?"
"I have my ways," he replied. "I sensed a carnage of death on Earth thanks to Gabriel's somber message. Now can you elves explain how in the world you got caught by humans?"
"Actually," Docile began, "It was kinda the other way around."
"Doesn't matter. If you get in trouble, I get in trouble and then Samael would be involved too. We don't want that. You little elves really need to be more careful down here!"
"So not, 'up there?'" Timmid asked.
"Okay, sir," said Docile. "We're sorry. It won't happen again."
"Good. Fortunately, most people do not believe the word of demons by those kooks over there. But now that they know, it'd be best to erase their memories of this trauma."
"But…they already sent camera footage as evidence to the government," Docile sighed sadly.
Azrael looked worried. "Oh dear. Even erasing their memories won't do them good at this point. Humans knowing about demons so abruptly…could change everything."
"That's what I've been trying to tell them," Docile muttered, mentioning to the agents.
Azrael cleared his throat. "Now, let us be off. We shall discuss the matter further with Gabriel and the Principalities."
Azrael waved his hand and a portal back to the E.L.F. office appeared.
"Thank the lord," sighed Timmid in relief. Tirred was covered in blood and metal. "Good riddance humans," he spat as he stepped through. Docile and Sunna followed.
The Angel of Death was the last to step through. Before vanishing, he glared at the cowering Agent One and Agent Two with a sharp scythe in his thin hand.
"You have a meeting with your fallen colleagues…and with ME very soon in this century."
His words promised death and the agents bawled into each other's arms in a terrified huddle.
Soon, Docile, Tirred, Timmid and Sunna were back in Heaven. The portal closed, leaving the agents stunned once again in the night air.
"So, what now?" asked Agent Two.
"What now?! We now have even more evidence we need to be taken seriously!" exclaimed Agent One. "Plus, we just dodged a bullet…twice!"
The agents smiled and put on their sunglasses again.
"But One, we have no video feeds of the angels."
Agent One spotted something glinting on the ground and picked it up. It was a small cracked empty bottle of Holy Spirit water that Timmid had left behind during the fight. Almost invisible to the eye was "E.L.F." written in cursive near the bottom of it. He wrapped his hands around the bottle, a dark glint in his eyes.
"Doesn't matter," said Agent One with a dark chuckle. "Just wait until corporate finds out about the existence of not only demons…but alternate universes! Hahahahahahaha!"