Welp.
Here we are again.

Chapter 5: The Catch-up

"You know…that whole galaxy thing needed to be destroyed anyway."

A plume of smoke clouded the room of the Ninja Council room. Spike Spiegel was looking at Edward Elric as he said this, passing the blunt to the State Alchemist. "It was just some jumbled mess. Didn't have some really stupid fucking characters in it? Like, the, uhh…."

"Oh, oh, oh!" said a rather handsome man by the name of Space Dandy, pompous by hair and wardrobe, snapping his fingers. "I know! That one Grim Reaper guy with the fucking annoying brats?"

"Yeah! That fucking shit." replied Spike excitedly. "Or, or, or, uh, that one kid with the key or something?"

"Yeah…" exhaled Edward tiredly. "That kid would've been the death of me. 'Light this, darkness, darkness, darkness!' Jesus fuck, kid. And this is coming from a 15 year-old!"

Dandy laughed. "Well, at least someone has the balls to admit his shortcomings!"

"I swear to fucking God, Dandy!" yelled Ed as he was getting ready to charge him. But before the Council was going to be torn to shreds as usual, the door swung open to reveal a group of people, two of which are familiar faces. Ed then greeted his friends with elation. "Jesus, Naruto! Ya should've told me you were gonna do something like this!"

"Something like what?" asked Naruto, confused. "I'm still confused as to what had happened….."

Ed looked behind Naruto and asked, "Maybe the newbies will inform you on the situation."

Peter looked at the young man and said, "Listen here, Short Round-"

Chris' eyes widened. "JESUS H. FUCK DAD!"

"Wha-"

Peter was then tackled by the young man and his arm was bent back. He yelped in pain. "Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckjesusususususufuckfuckfuckfuckshitfuck"

"First off, Short Round," grunted Ed as he applied enough pressure on the hold. "I seen Indiana Jones. Come on, you really think our worlds never connected enough to buy a fucking VCR?! Second-!"

"Leave my husband alone!" screamed Lois.

"Lady, your fat pig of a husband needs to learn some ma-"

Edward then felt something he rarely felt ever since he left his dimension to come here: a swift kick to the face from a woman. He flew back and hit his back to the wall, leaving him dazed.

Peter looked up at his wife who was looking all over the room. "Did….did something happen to us?" she asked. "Ho….How?!"

"That's time for you: fuck with it, it fucks you."

The Griffin family looked up to see a man with a large afro and a lanky build. He had a dark blue suit halfway buttoned up and sported brown loafers around. The thick smoke filled the room and it's earthy aroma pleased Brain's nostrils (however, he was wise enough to not fiend too much). "You all went through the Shortcut: a forbidden highway around the world of what is called animation. It was closed off for defense purposes and it is installed with any high-end spells, chants, scrolls and structures that the Gods of Animation could muster. My question is…..how in the entire FUCK did you bypass it? No, no, don't answer just yet…." The man took a pull from his gorilla-finger like blunt, exhaled a huge cloud of smoke, passed it to Brian and let him chill on it. "It's going to be some stupid piece of exposition that might sound like some shit pipe dream to the normal person. All you need to know that our domain has been threatened by outside forces none of us have ever seen…..and it's up to you guys to help us."

"Us?" said Brian skeptically, exhaling. "We can barely do anything of merit, let alone actually be helpful. What can we possible do that is so essential to this mission?"

"Spontaneity. We need more of that and you guys have it in spades. They know what we're planning and what we're able to do but they can't fully know on the spot. They can only guess for so long until something drastic hits them. That's where you, the Griffin family, come into play. Come, let me walk you around a bit."

Peter put his hands up defensively. "Oh no, we've done enough walking around. I mean, it took like 5 miles just to get here."

The man chuckled. "Trust, once we're done with training, 5 miles will feel like 5 feet."

"What's your name, sir?" Meg chimed in, a bit annoyed by the answers (or lack thereof) that she's been given. She had her eyes set on the tall man and the blonde teenager with the weird arm thing…

The man looked back into her eyes with a blank expression on his face but his eyes held a light look to them. "My name is Spike. Spike Spiegel. And these are my top agents for the Character Regulating Interesting and Peculiar Situations. And yes, it spells out-"

"CRIPS? Seriously?" chuckled Stewie. "What's next, you guys have a Piru Blood set going around?" He must've picked up on Brian's interesting glance being beamed towards at him because he retorted to the dog without even looking at him, "Hey, when you're hanging at the San Diego Comic Con without weed, you may or may not hang out near Southeast Daygo just to get it."

"I'm going to pretend you're a baby babbling nonsense-"

"Well, first time for everything, I guess."

"-but I would love that walk you offered. I mean, if your colleagues want to debrief my family and we have the chance to discuss these matters privately, maybe we can formulate a plan of action."

Spike pulled out a cigarette, lit one, and handed one to Brain. "I think we might be good comrades at the end of this…." he chortled as the two walked away from the family. "Ed, inform them on what's been happening and don't hit on the girl."

"Spike, I think I have more self-control than that." chuckled the young State Alchemist. "She's not even that cute."

Peter nudged Meg (who was already done with everyone's shit at this point and wanted to train so badly just so she can just have the ability to beat the ever-living fuck out of this fat blob of sadness and alcoholism), leaned into her ear and told her with the trademark chuckle of his, "See, Meg? Even they think you're ugly."

meanwhile….

No one saw him crawl into the cracks of the Konoha Ninja Academy's back walls and slid into the manhole. Everyone was too concerned about their own well-being that they didn't spot Shinji Ikari, dirty and roughed up, get into the manhole.

After the Split, Shinji, Asuka and Misato were ripped out their universe and thrown straight into Konohagakure, which was already turning into a melting pot at this point. For six years, Shinji expected to get help from people while Misato and Asuka maintained by putting up their souls and bodies up to the highest bidder. It wasn't until one day when Shinji was the unexpected witness to a rape and DV case brought upon a customer of theirs. He couldn't let that happen plus his poor 15 year-old psyche was already fucked so by the time he swung that bat on the customer's head the 29th time, his innocence was already gone. Every bash, every squirt of blood, every screech of anger…..

He shook his head. Shinji was tired of looking at dead things and dead people. That's all he saw when he was with his father...bodies upon bodies in a red sea of loss and loneliness...

He entered into a small room with random articles of clothing scattered around and a few weapons and guns on a small circle table with the smell of tobacco and marijuana staining the room. At first, it disgusted Shinji and Asuka to see how deep in the hole Misato went when it came to the drugs and alcohol but after a few weeks, they became accustomed to it. They even gotten used to their innate desire to partake in such things. Shinji sat on the table, pulled out a weed container and papers and started to roll a plumber's joint when he heard light footsteps enter the room.

"You're up early." said Asuka as she stretched her arms out, walking up to Shinji. She gave him a light kiss on the cheek, which he almost recoiled from. He's still not used to this whole "open harem" thing her and Misato came up with and started doing. "I thought your lazy ass was going to stay asleep over at your spot..."

"I was." he replied back gruffly. It's sort of weird to hear his voice change so much. Last time he checked, he sounded like a white kid from the suburbs who just got scared of a cockroach. Now, he sounds like he got shot in the chest three times and still stood. "But, I thought, what the hell? haven't seen the girls in a minute, might as well pop my head in, y'know?"

Asuka purred lightly. "You miss us."

"I miss that community feeling. Not sure if I miss..." He took a full look at Asuka, who was near naked if her thin panties weren't on her currently. It's always the A-cups that have the crazy sex drive..., he thought to himself. He almost dropped the joint he unconsciously rolled to perfection.

"Shinji, if you wanna look at my tits, you could just ask." Asuka giggled. She took the rolled joint, lit it, walked to a boombox and turned on some music. The speakers knocked out a rap song containing a quaint yet harsh instrumental. "I mean, I don't mind giving it up to you...you know this."

"Asuka, I would. I would totally get my dick back inside that tight ass-" A small flirty giggle came out of her mouth, complete with the lower lip being bit. "-but there's bigger matters to discuss. So, I would prefer you get some clothes on as I talk to you."

She pouted but Asuka understood. She walked up into the closet and pulled out a red shirt that was two sizes bigger than her. What is it with that? Every chick thinks she's cute for wearing our shirts. It's cute but not fair...

"So, what's the word, babe?"

"The Hokage's back. And he's brought friends."

"Ohhhh, really? It's been almost ten years and now he brings his ass back here?" She scoffed in annoyance. "His dumb retarded ass should've stayed right where the fuck he was."

"Ehh, you really can't blame him. Using the Dimensional Metro Transit takes a lot out of you. It's weird but six minutes can change a lot."

Asuka shot Shinji a look. "No shit. I remember where we were when the Split came: you were choking the fuck out of me when we got ripped out of our world and sent here. Not gonna lie...you're a hella good choker."

He chuckled. Asuka's been in a weird bratty stage lately and all he wanted to do was grab that neck and see her eyes give him that same look it gave him when he first did it: surprise, disgust, fear...lust.

"Where's Misato?"

"Went out to pick up a kilo of snow. 'At least it's not white.' That's what she told me before she left. It's been about, like, 15 minutes since she's been gone."

"Hmm...may I have my jay back?"

Asuka opened her legs, revealing a taut and freshly shaved cameltoe. "Fuck me first."

Shinji sighed, got up and walked up to Asuka. He then grabbed her neck with one hand. Remember, only the sides. No throat. He squeezed his grip tighter as he slipped his fingers in her. She let out a series of small gasps, inconsistent but a telling sign. Shinji kept doing this until the seat was wet enough for him to stop and grab his joint back. He took a drag then another. He looked at Asuka and said, "I have to be up later on today. I may have another recon mission me and the homie Naota have to oversee."

"So you're just going to leave me wet and hanging?" whined Asuka.

Shinji smirked. "That's all I'm ever good at."

back at the Hokage Palace...

Spike and Brian walked along the balcony of the palace, embracing the sites. Brian looked over at the Hokage Monument, where all six Hokage's faces were looking over it's people, as if their spirit still lived on in the monument. Kids and adults scattered around a small parade near a busy street while ninjas, knights, and vigilantes conversed with one another. "Seems peaceful down here..."said Brian. "I just want to know who would be the one to try and end us."

"Even though some of the villains we have fought in the past have put that life behind and live here in tranquility, there's still a malevolent force out there. They believe in a balance in the system. Too much peace or too much war and they'll use that as an opportunity to cripple us. That force is made up of a few big name villains: Thanos, the Joker, Shishigami Hiro, Asuka Ryo and many others. This organization have no name but just seeing them and hearing their names is enough to fucking scare people...hell, Hiro scares me."

Brian chuckled. "How can a man with that kind of name scare you?"

"Unless you've seen a man's neck snap back like a fucking hat from a .45, then you best shut up."

"I've seen guns-"

"FROM A FINGER GUN."

Brian's eyes widened a bit. "Wait...like..." He made a finger guns from his paw and made a imitation of a gun firing. "...but an actual bullet pops out?"

"Worse. No shells, no sound, no recoil. Just a .45 hole straight in your back. This man also has the nerve to have an AR mode with it and yes..." Spike then made the same kind of gesture but was pretending to carry a moderately heavy assault rifle and pretend to fire it. "Dadadadadadadadada...like that."

"FUCK."

"Yeah, I know...and that's one of the reasons why we need people like you."

"Wait...so...when does the fight begin...?"

Spike looked over the mountains. That question was never asked when the issue was brought up to him. He thought back to when he saw Faye Valentine try and fend off Hiro and Thanos with Bruce Banner and Clark Kent. It was weird to see two titans get their ass handed like that...Superman's head was stuck on a pike and thrown into the deepest reaches of space while Bruce...no...he didn't want to think back on Bruce's gory decapitation. And what's worse, Faye was in the middle of everything so seeing her frozen space body hit Spike's ship was a harrowing sight to see...

Spike looked back at Brian and said, "It begins when we're ready. Then...we bring the fight to them."

Well, that's it for the fifth chapter. Wow...this is a long chapter. If ya like it, leave a review or don't because I am not sure if this site will still live on. Oh well. I'm off to smoke a blunt and drink a 40 tonight.

See ya'll soon, Space Cowboys and Cowgirls.