This idea has been bubbling away ever since I read Defenders of the Earth 1938. It's a cracking good story, going right back to the Golden Age comics, where there's a ray for every occasion, electricity is still magic, and of course there are men on other worlds. A bit techno-Orientalist but there you go.
So I'm going to publish this dreck and pray it leaves me the screaming undead zombie FUCK alone.
It was just another Tuesday in outer space, since at least three Mongonian attack rockets were chasing one of the more vexing opponents of Emperor Ming.
Captain Vark was a pragmatic man. He did not, like some of the idiots he was forced to serve with, worship the ground Ming walked on. Instead, he served because the Empire had superior technology and numbers, and most importantly the sheer techno-sorcerous genius that was Ming. If the rebels ever attempted to go up directly against them, they would be crushed, their peoples exterminated or sent to slave in the radioactive mines. So, he stayed on the superior side, or so he told himself. Not only that, but Ming was a known quantity. Vindictive? Yes. Megalomaniacal? Definitely. But better the Arborian Devil-Ape you know, as opposed to that you didn't.
"Captain! Something's happening port bow high, one-fifty satha out!"
Ignoring the jerks and jolts as his ship exchanged electro-bolts with the cursed Flash Gordon, Vark hurried over to the scannerman's station. "Right there, sir," the officer tapped a large blob on the electro-screen that didn't need tapping on, "Relative bearing thirty-up by two-five port rising."
"Helm!" Vark called. "Report on point thirty-up two-five more!" Electro-scanners were nice, but sometimes you needed Mongonian eyes on target.
"Large blue light source," the helmsman called back, "Turbulent, like boiling water… Captain! A ship is emerging from the light! By the Emperor! That thing is huge…"
"Keep in pursuit of Gordon," Vark ordered, "I want to see this ship."
The ship in question might have been a hundred and fifty Mongonian space units out, but that made it clear how large it was. In the dwindling light of the portal, its blocky shape was clearly visible; the profile looked to Vark like a parody of a Mongonian ray rifle. It emerged at an angle that made the two lateral pods obvious. Something else was obvious too.
"Good lord!" Zarkov was staring out the window, "That thing's at least four times the length of a Deathstalker!"
It was also clearly a military vehicle. Turrets could be seen, as well as an ominous opening in the prow that reinforced the sense of it being a giant flying gun. Flash frowned. The giant ship hadn't emerged from the portal that linked Mongo to Earth, and looked nothing like any Mongonian rocket he'd seen.
"Flash," he looked to where Dale Arden was sitting at the aft ray battery controls, "We wouldn't stand a chance against that thing. If Ming was to capture it…"
Silence fell inside the Liberty.
"We must capture that rocket," Vark declared, "Its secrets will be ours. For Ming!"
"For Ming!" the shout rang through the attack rocket.
A stunned silence rang throughout the bridge of the UNSC Spion Kop. Then again, being hailed by radio, by someone calling themselves "Captain Vark of the Mongonian Empire", from one of a trio of spacecraft barely larger than a Pelican, would do that to you. Even more stunning, the loony had ordered them to surrender the ship in the name of "Ming".
"You all right Captain?" Commander Ychevenko asked Halvorsen, "I can't tell if you're about to bust a gut laughing or just open fire."
Christopher Halvorsen just blinked at Anatoly for five seconds, then shook himself. "This is just… crazy," he finally said. "Comms, audio only reply. Tell them no. Tactical, mark those shop as hostile and prep firing solutions. Cohen, bring the MAC to standby."
"UNSC Spion Kop to, ah, Mongonian vessels," The three Earthlings listened tensely to the radio. "Apologies for the delay, we had to stop laughing. UNSC protocol means we have now designated you as hostiles. Retreat now. This is your only warning."
"Talk about red rag to a bull," Flash groaned.
"Your insolence will be rewarded with your deaths," Captain Vark snarled back, "We will take your ship by force and bring it to Emperor Ming! Those crew who survive will wish they had not as you rot in the radioactive mines!"
"They're attacking," Dale whispered.
"They're attacking," Tactical said, "They're actually… attacking."
"Thoshe thingsh are kinda fasht for rocketshipsh," Cohen observed. The AI had chosen to embody himself as an elderly barbarian from a series of late twentieth century fantasy novels, which wasn't too bad, but the lisp due to a lack of teeth could be annoying at times. As if the machine had read Captain Halvorsen's mind, the projected barbarian extracted a set of diamond dentures from a pouch and inserted them. Halvorsen knew what that gesture meant: Cohen was preparing for battle.
"Archer lock established, railguns hot," Tactical noted. "Hostiles closing to danger range in thirty. Shit, those things are fast."
"Prepare forward ray batteries," Vark ordered, "I don't like how that ship is rolling."
"Do we radio them?" Flash wondered.
"No," Zarkov turned their rocket to face the imminent battle site, "I think they'll be a bit occupied."
The first Mongonian rocket to enter danger range was met by a lone Archer. The missile disappeared. So did the rocket.
"Guided rockets?" Vark wondered, "Evasive maneuvers! Open fire once we are within range! For Ming!"
"For Ming!" the cry went up a bit perfunctorily, understandable. Their comrades were dead and there was victory to seize.
"Directed energy weapons," Cohen noted, "Sensors read a lot of electrically charged particles, but not enough getting through the shields to seriously damage our plating."
"No need for Archers then," Halvorsen decided, "railguns free."
After the first few impacts Vark strapped in as his rocket ducked, dived, yawed and rolled, attempting to evade the sudden hail of high-speed projectiles that shredded the other rocket thanks to multiple strikes through the forward viewport. He was angry. He wanted vengeance now. He and his crack troopers would capture this super-rocket, slay the crew before the captain, and then drag him in chains before Emperor Ming!
However, the Spion Kop's CIWS put the kibosh on all that.
Aboard the Liberty, Flash, Dale and Zarkov watched the final explosion in silence.
"Now we call them," Flash decided, before keying the mike. "Calling the Spion Kop! Calling the Spion Kop! This is the Earth rocketship Liberty, can you read us? Over."
"This is the Spion Kop to the, ah, Liberty, who am I speaking with? Over."
"I'm Flash Gordon, I've been fighting against Ming the Merciless and his empire for years. We finally found a rocket to get back to Earth, and are sure glad you guys came along. If you'd like to follow us home I think the President would like to talk with you."
Sick bags are available at the snack bar, next to the popcorn buckets; I'm sure you can tell the difference.