Chapter 10

I stared at my arm in disbelief. The deep cuts, the thick black thread, all gone as if it had never happened. The wild look in Ivan's eyes, those pinpoint-sized pupils, the dead lifeless look of the energy and life being drained out of him. It was a haunting image to see up close.

It was like having another out-of-body experience as I gently peeled the covers over to one side, took out the IV that had long since dripped dry and sat on the edge of my bed. The windows were heavily tented so no sun could actually shine through, but I saw that it was still daylight outside. Another slow glance at the clock showed that it was only six o'clock. The carpet was warm and rough on my feet as I swiped my toes across the ends back and forth. I kept looking down at my arm and blinking, hoping that if I blinked hard enough or maybe enough times the scars would reappear. But despite my trying, nothing more than smooth skin appeared before my eyes.

"It's impossible…" I murmured to myself. I shook my head as I grazed the tips of my skin over the skin.

I saw him struggle with the plant; my hand was burned from the charm he tried to bless…

Fueled by rage I shoved myself off the bed and into the first pair of pants and shirt I could find. I had nothing on my mind other than one thing; storming down the hall and pounding on the door that was Ivan's. I didn't even make it halfway down the hallway before I saw him standing in the middle, hands relaxed at his sides. Ivan's face was a clear mask of nothing. He hadn't shaved, his eyes were hollow, and even though he stayed so still he looked like a statue, a caught little twitches of movement now and then from his fingers.

"I thought you might be looking for me…" his voice was horse and scratchy as he cleared his throat.

"I don't want to do this here…" his eyes darted toward one of the exit doors.

"You have questions…I have answers." He started walking toward me and my blood ran through my veins like ice. I wasn't easily scared, there were very few things that gave me the creeps, but right here and right now I was scared to death.

"It's daylight outside. Where do you want to go?" I asked. Ivan stopped just a few steps in front of me. His face was still clear of any emotions, he rivaled some of the best guardians with that mask in place.

"I like the sun…" his voice dropped as he walked past me and out one of the side doors. Cursing myself for being stupid enough to follow him, I caught the door before it shut and fell step in step with him.

I'd forgotten how handsome he could be. Walking beside him now he looked nothing like the man I met a few days ago. He was still tall and more muscular than most Moroi, but there was a hollowness about his movements that made me think he had no will left in him. The court was home to a bunch of little abandoned houses and rooms, shacks really, Ivan, spotting one out of the corner of his eye jerked his head toward its direction and strolled in like he owned the place.

Their room held not much of anything. Dust covered everything in a thick layer. This must have been one of the guardian housing statins that was long since forgotten since the Queens Quarters were built. There next to the single window that the house held was a small table and three small wooden chairs.

"I've spent my life avoiding the daytime." Ivan broke the heavy silence. His back to me now, the rays of sun hitting his skin. While the sun wouldn't immediately kill him, it would give him a nasty burn if he stayed in it long enough.

"Within the last two years or so, I've grown to love the sunlight. Although I didn't like the burns it gave me." He wasn't talking to me at this moment, it was like he was trying to explain it to himself. "So, when I'd spend too much time in the sun, and those nasty burns would pop up, Dimitri would chastise me, like I was a boy getting caught doing something wrong. He's always worried about me more than I deserve. One day, the burn had got fire on the shoulder, and before I even realized what I was doing I had patted it out and healed the melted flesh. I couldn't believe what I had done, much less understand it. But then I heard about our new Queen. And how she could heal people, and I knew that we were the same." Ivan's eyes snapped to me as he swiftly turned around.

"You're bound to her…aren't you?" I knew that it wasn't a question he needed the answer to. And after several moments of silence, I shook my head and whispered, "Yes".

"How?" his voice was barely above a whisper. I ran a hand through my hair and sat down on one of the wooden chairs.

"Honestly, I don't know. I don't even know if Lissa knows how she did it. All I know is that she's never been able to do it again. There's been several lives lost, and she hasn't been able to put forth that much magic again. I'm not sure if it was the adrenaline from the crash, the thought of losing me, or what. But it came at a price." Ian joined me at the table, the wood creaked under his weight as he sat down. He reached across and grabbed my arm which had just been cut deeply not even six hours ago.

"It bleeds into you, doesn't it?" he ran his hands over where the cuts used to be as I spoke.

"Yes." I nodded.

"Explain it to me. Please. I need to understand." Tears formed in Ivan's eyes as he spoke.

"I need to understand how to deal with this weight that I have. There's a force that draws me to use the magic but when I do I get pulled under. How do I stop it?" I looked him up and down, and my eyes landed on where he kept stroking the skin of my arm.

After a few moments of silence, I finally spoke. "I don't know if anyone will be able to understand. Lissa has bad days too. Only whenever there is an overwhelming amount does it bleed into me? Then I feel the side effects of spirit. The itching, the scratching, the headaches…the cutting…"

"That's why Lissa went on medicine to help her suppress her magic. While it's a wonderful thing to possess, it's not worth what it costs to use. You don't need to understand this because you never will understand it. Adrian is drunk half the time to dull his senses, and Lissa is medicated for it. You just have to choose how you're going to handle it."

"Anna was shadow kissed as well. Though I hope your ending is better than hers." A small smile tugged at his lips.

"The pieces are starting to come together." He whispered.

"Pieces? What pieces?" I asked.

"I came here with the intent of getting Lissa to install a new line of curriculum in the schools. The Moroi need to fight with their dhampirs. Not cower behind them. Imagine what we could do with a fire using Moroi? Our numbers wouldn't be dying." Ivan sat back in his chair.

"It feels good to know that I'm not crazy. I thought I was starting to make connections to things that weren't true." He shook his head as if to shake away those thoughts.

"You fought the Christian Ozera…you must feel the same way." Ivan declared as he started to talk with his hands.

"Tell me about that battle, what made you do that?" I grabbed the underside of his chair and scooted it closer to me. Resting his hands on his elbows and his elbows on his knees he waited.

"I was young…" I started, "I knew that I needed to help and needed to kill as many as I could before they got to the center of campus. Christian was my assigned Moroi for the field experiences, so he was with me when the outbreak started. He simply couldn't take no for an answer." I shrugged my shoulders as I recalled that night. I didn't like talking about it or having it brought up. Considering how Hans reminds me daily of how stupid of a decision it was.

"And was this where Lissa tried to save others?" Ivan asked. I shifted in my seat uncomfortably. I didn't like being questioned over this and I didn't like talking about it while Lissa was in the dark. So, I decided to go on the defense.

"Look," my tone was strict and harsh, "I owe you no explanation for anything. Thanks for healing my arm, but I owe you no favors." I shook my head and scoffed. "You come here pretending not to know how to do anything, under false pretenses to the queen all to do what? Why the fuck are you really here and why do you feel like you have the authority to question me?" I folded my arms over my chest waiting for an answer. I was done playing nice.

"I want to change the world." He said simply.

"You can't change anything for the better by starting out as a lie." I countered.

"Oh, I beg to differ," he laughed, "My mission is not one that will likely exceed. At least in my lifetime. I need to win everyone over that I can, so they buy into my cause. I care about my people. My race. I don't want to see dhampirs give up any more of themselves so we can sit back and drink our lives away while people like you and Dimitri die in the field!" his voice rose as he spoke. "Help me make this happen. And I'll reward you greatly." Ivan licked his lips to try to butter me up further, but I cut him off.

"You have absolutely nothing that I want," I stated.

"Oh," he wagged his finger and laughed. "But I do."

"You see, I've spent the past few years in Istanbul. Where I've become acquainted with a very powerful Moroi man…"

"Okay? What does that have to do with me in the slightest?" I rolled my eyes.

"Before I say anything else, I need your word. You'll help me. Help me get this pushed through." When I still sat there with my hands folded, Ivan signed and shook his head.

"You want a life of your own Rose. I know you do. I and my friend can provide that for you." He gestured.

"Nothing will ever make me leave Lissa's side." I shook my head. I knew what I wanted. I had worked hard to be in the position that I was in.

"Not even to be with Dimitri?" He cocked his head to the side and smiled.

"I see your auras when you're around one another. You've not known each other long, true, but my goodness if you don't blind me when you're around each other. It's rare, to have that kind of connection already. One doesn't easily obtain it or give it up." He stood up from his chair and cracked his back.

"I'd rather not tell anyone that this conversation happened." He motioned his finger in between the two of us. "And I don't think that I can trust you. Yet." He walked over to me and braced his hands on either side of my chair. His eyes glassed over as he stared directly into mine.

No, no! I tried to look away, but I couldn't his eyes held mine as he spoke those slow, soothing words.

"You'll not tell anyone of this conversation…or that I healed you…You woke up at the cuts were closed…Repeat what I just told you." He never blinked and neither did I. Slowly and dumbly I repeated the words back to him.

"Good girl." He nodded his head and smiled. "Think about what I said, Rose. I have more to offer you than you think." And with that, he pushed off the chair, turned, and left me sitting alone in that dusty old shack.

It was a few minutes before I was able to peel myself off of the chair and walk back to my room. I walked slowly and sluggishly, I hadn't been compelled very many times before, but the feelings were always the same. I felt violated, manipulated, and dirty. Pulling out my key I stood in front of my door unable to open it. I kept staring at the wood grain that was at eye level with me. I wondered how many people had lived behind this door; how many people's secrets it had held for them.

"Will you keep mine?" I whispered to the door. A buzz in the back of my pocket grabbed my attention away from waiting for the door to answer me. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and saw that Hans needed to see me in his office.

Great, I thought. Just what I wanted to deal with.

"We'll finish this later," I told the door and walked toward Hans' shitty office. Moments later I found the same folder he had shown Dimitri and me still lying on his desk.

"This is an official order by the council in Istanbul, the Moroi wanted to be left unnamed until arrival for safety reasons. You and Belikov are still the requested ones to retrieve him." Hans gave me no time to put in or speak up.

"I don't like them messing with my guards. I fought this. I did." He wasn't one to explain himself, never thinking that I deserved an explanation. Maybe it was the recent compulsion that was used on me, or maybe it was the lack of sleep from the past few days, but what I did next shocked Hans.

I shrugged my shoulders and threw my hands up.

"Oh well, if you need me to do this, I will. Duty is duty is it not?" Hans was left speechless. I was tired of fighting, fighting the system, with myself, I was simply tired of fighting and getting nowhere. I grabbed the folder off of Hans' desk and flipped through the pages.

"I'll get with Dimitri and check out a car from the HQ." I didn't look up from the folder as I talked and exited the room. The time slot left me an hour and a half before we needed to depart in order to get to the airport on time, enough for me to let Dimitri know and for me to shower.

I called over my shoulder and told Hans to inform Dimitri to meet me in the garage before I continued my walk back to my apartment.

"You've been quiet," Dimitri observed after we had been traveling for about forty minutes. I had my head turned away from him, looking out the window.

"I'm tired." I offered as my only answer. I didn't turn my head to face him, nor did I make any attempt at small talk.

"I know you're lying. Why you're lying I'm not sure, but I know that you are." He had one hand on the steering wheel and the other sat lazily on the gear shifter. The radio was playing low, and the car was nice and warm. We were given one of the better cars, an SUV all blacked out with a leather interior.

"How do you know I'm lying?" I asked still looking out the window.

"Because you haven't looked at me once. What's wrong, Roza?" He smelled so good, and I couldn't help but remember how well that tongue moved against my own. Then I remembered what Ivan had said, about our auras.

"It's not a lie. I am tired. Just not in the sense, you may have thought." What I would do to be able to see if our aruras were as bright as Ivan described.

"What are you tired of?" he asked. I took a few minutes to think of the right words. Finally, I spoke. "I'm tired of fighting for something that I'll never get." Dimitri's hand found mine and squeezed.

"Talk to me." His voice was soft. I could feel a lump in my throat forming and tears welling up in my eyes. I didn't want to do this. Not here. Not now.

"I feel like…like despite everything that I've overcome and accomplished I'm still not respected among the other guardians. My mother set a very high standard for me, and I feel like even though I have proven time and time again to be a skilled guardian my age, sex, and relationship with Lissa is being used against me." It was the first time I had vocalized those thoughts.

"Roza, do you want to know what I hear about you? From other guardians?" Dimitri asked, his hand still covering mine. When I didn't answer him yes or no, he started to speak anyway.

"The first night that we might it was true what I said. There were no mentions of you in the case file. But after that, I started asking around. But I was told by several of your fellow guardians about how I needed to watch my step around you. That you were lethal when it came to Lissa. A little unpolished and impulsive, but deadly. From what time I've spent with you I can tell you that that is only scraping the iceberg when it comes to you, Rose Hathaway." Dimitri gave my hand another squeeze as he pulled into the designated area of the landing strip. With the airport being a small one, used for only court officials and the queen, there was low security. No planes had landed just yet so neither of us made a move to get out of the car.

"From the time that we've spent together, I have no doubt about your ability. You have all this raw unmolded potential." I gave a few slow blinks and before this overwhelming desire to look into his eyes took over. I needed to see them; they held more mystery than I knew and warmed me all over me. Those deep pools of brown met my eyes the moment I turned my head. No words were said between the two of us, we simply looked into each other's eyes as if those depths would give us the answers to the universe that we pondered late at night.

After several more breaths of silence, I spoke, "Help me control it then." I licked my lips as I waited for the answer. I don't know what I would do if told me no. A soft smile grazed his face, those brown eyes were accompanied by small wrinkles that graced his eyes. I wondered how many of those popped up whenever he laughed. Not just a slight chuckle, but a deep laugh from inside his belly.

His eyes flickered from my eyes to my lips, searching my face for any reason to think that I wasn't serious.

"You'll work on my schedule."

"Of course."

"You're going to hate the running, you know how important it is, you've seen the speed that Strigoi are capable of. If I can trust you, we'll do this." Dimitri nodded and waited for my answer. I thought about it, about him, about Lissa, and nodded my head in return.

"It doesn't matter. I want this. I need this." We were still so close. I wanted to pull him into a kiss. I had never had this amount of intimacy with someone else, where the mere presence of them made my knees go weak. Even if we didn't touch physically, I felt that connection that one feels when you're home. A place of rest and a safe haven. I wanted to be that for him as well, I wondered if I made his knees weak the way he did mine. If I made his heart skip a beat when I was near or if I made him nervous around me.

"Okay, we'll start tomorrow then." He nodded. Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted one of our planes descending on the landing strip. Dimitri and I both stepped out of the car and waited for the plane to come to a complete stop before checking with the guardians to make sure that everything was in place for the pick-up.

You would be surprised at how much effort and paperwork it takes to pick some random Moroi up. It was like we were signing our lives away for an expensive grocery pickup.

Yes, Guardian Belikov, Hathaway, arrive at this time, sign this paperwork, and then after we've made sure that everything is in place, we'll allow you to drive this bastard around.

I rolled my eyes after I finished pressing my thumb into the ink pad and pressing it firmly onto the sheets of paper. Every move is tracked and cataloged. It seemed over the top and ridiculous. Standing at the top of the stairs that they had rolled over to the plane was a tall, dark-skinned Moroi man clothed in a year's salary for me.

A dark black suit fitted him perfectly, dark black hair sleeked back, and black sunglasses sat low on his nose. Around his neck was an ascot necktie colored in a deep purple. The man sauntered down the steps and made his way to where Dimitri and I were standing. I heard Dimitri mumbling something under his breath once the man came into full view.

"Ah, Dimitri! How wonderful it is to see you again!" The man extended his hand, a gold pinky ring with some kind of crest on it and a golden watch hung loose on his wrist. Dimitri shook hands with the man.

"Hello, Mr. Mazur." Dimitri greeted him curtly. Mazur? That was the name Ivan said the first day I met him.

"You, you must be Rosemarie." The man, Mazur turned his attention to me. His voice was deep, sprinkled with a Turkish accent. His teeth were straight and blinding white as he smiled at me. I noticed there was even a small, golden hoop in his right ear.

"Rose." I nodded and smiled back at him.

"You are a vision! Absolutely stunning, Dimitri, my boy how do you keep your head straight when around such beauty?" I was beginning to like Mazur. He waved his hand as to stop Dimitri from saying anything in return and chuckled.

"I'm sorry for the secrecy, but I wanted this to be a surprise. You can tell me all about what you and Ivan have been up to since you left." My eyes flickered between the two as Mazur spoke.

"I'm sorry, but who exactly are you?" I asked pointing my finger at him. Dimitri shot me a glare that told me I did not want to disrespect this man, but he had yet to introduce himself.

"Oh of course! How rude of me. Abe Mazur, pleasure." Abe walked past us and got into the back seat of the SUV, closing the door behind him. The crew of the plane started loading totes and other trunks of his luggage as Dimitri and I stood, dumbfounded in our same spots.

"So, Dimitri, tell me what you and Ivan have been doing since you left my residence?" Abe spoke with an elegant old accent that sounded like it came out of old Hollywood.

"Not much really. Ivan has been meeting with the queen, but the notes are classified." Dimitri responded.

"Oh, I'm sure." Abe mocked him, shaking his head. He sat in the backseat with his legs crossed over one another and sighed.

"Tell me about yourself, Rose. Since Dimitri's long list of conversation starters have run out or would you prefer the silence as he does?"

"Why did you request us?" I asked. This invoked a straight out laugh from Abe and Dimitri tightened his grip on the steering wheel.

"I wanted to meet you." He shrugged his shoulders as he answered.

"Why?" I asked cocking my head to the side so I could see his profile.

"Because you fascinate me." He said simply, lacing his hands together and resting them on his knee.

"What do you mean? You don't even know me?" I turned my head more so I could see more of him.

"Oh, but I do. One of the queens' personal guards, a ward of Saint Vladimir's Academy at the age of six. Shadow-kissed and bound to the queen." It felt like ice water had been poured down my back. Abe's eyes flickered between Dimitri and I and coughed.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I was unaware that it was a secret." Abe wiped the corner of his mouth with a silk handkerchief and continued.

"I'm surprised you didn't pick up on its Dimitri, you are normally every observant. Though if I can also see why, you would be distracted. But it's a rare thing. I know a few spirit users, but I know none that have a bond mate." Abe twisted his thumbs together on top of his knee as he spoke. "I'm sure it was due to the crash. It was rather difficulty to read and look at the photos of. I'm sorry that you've went through that. Especially since the role that the Dragomir's played in your upbringing. A real tragedy. Eric was a good man; we spoke on a regular basis you know." Abe kept on talking but I had tuned him out. As he droned on and on, I felt something between Dimitri, and I snap. I had openly lied to him several times over the topic only for it to be brought up by a complete stranger. Rage overflowed as I tried to keep my composure, but I was failing. It wasn't until Dimitri looked over my way, and gave a slot nod that I knew we'd have to have a private conversation later.