A/N: I am so pumped UP! For me, this story was broken up into two sections: before New Years and after New Years.
I knew from the beginning that was where Jade would make her move on a Tori who hasn't figured things out yet.
Now, comes chapters that I have been waiting to write and show you for a while. I revisited my old outline and refined the latter half because of tweaks I made along the way. I maintained the broad, basic outline of the story but characters expanded and evolved over the course of the telling that it became better than I imagined. Now it's been figured out (more or less) chapter by chapter and I am so excited for your reactions.
Please Please PLEASE, if you haven't dropped a review yet don't be shy! I would love to hear from new readers and those who have been with me that stayed silent. Your words mean the world to me and if I affected you on an emotional level, please share.
And once again, YAY! e-mails are back on!
Dr. Ivy sat across from Tori, remaining silent and still.
They made it a point to not bombard their patients with words when an epiphany was reached. Rather, allowing such a monumental realization to sink in.
Just like in the beginning, Ivy can't talk first. They just hoped Tori doesn't let her time out. Otherwise, they would have to start all over again with the subject.
"What do you think?"
Ivy was caught off guard by Tori's choice of what to say next. A rarity.
"About what?" they asked.
"Me liking the kiss," Tori sighed, allowing herself to sit down. "Ugh, what's wrong with me?"
"Well, first off, it's not considered a mental illness anymore, thank goddess for that. Second, we are colleagues at best so it's not my place to say whom you should be...attracted to. Your romantic life is your business."
Tori leaned.
"But that's just it, doc! I didn't think of it that way at the time. I was too caught off guard!"
Ivy wrote down a quick note.
"Does Jade play practical jokes on you? I mean, when you were younger."
The Latina crossed her arms.
"I mean in those days, her messing with me wouldn't be out of the question." Tori chuckled. "She could really commit to the bit when she wanted a reaction, or to make a point."
"Do you feel that Jade was messing with you a few days ago?"
Tori thought it over.
"No, I didn't get that vibe."
"But you wonder if she was...making a point as you put it?"
"Uhhh..."
Ivy took a quick glance at the time while Tori was in thought. Just a few more minutes.
(I can be a little late. I'd rather Tori keep this momentum going if she's going to get somewhere.)
"Okay, moving on from the discomfort of seeing each other after such a long time...how were things between then and prior to the kiss?"
"Me and Jade?" Tori asked.
They nodded.
"They were really nice," she grinned. "Like I said, I felt like we had gotten closer."
"Now, the question we have on the table is...did Jade take it too far or maybe you underestimated the level of intimacy you have reached together?"
Ivy set down their pad.
"As your therapist, I am always on your side. If any part of you feels that Jade did something out of line, no matter how small, you must establish this boundary. Do you want Jade in your life still?"
Tori nodded, thinking of the good times they did have and also their daughters being friends.
"I can't tell you if you have...romantic feelings for this Jade person. That's for you to decide if she's a friend or something else. But either way, you must confront her and discuss this. As both you have seen, not communicating accomplishes jack."
"And what if I do think of her that way?"
Ivy shrugged.
"If you respect one another, beyond the occasional mishap, it would be a relationship worth pursuing. But honesty is key in any healthy relationship."
Tori looked down at her hand where her wedding band used to be.
"It just...doesn't feel right."
"Are you worried your family or friends wouldn't understand?"
"Kind of," she sighed. "I mean...Sam."
They took off their glasses.
"Oh, I see."
Tori started tearing up.
"People have tried to help me...move on...but I just couldn't get the nerve."
She took a tissue.
"And it wasn't because I had anything against men," Tori felt she had to justify considering her earlier confession. "It was..."
"No other man would do after Sam," Ivy concluded.
Tori licked her lips and stared right at the doctor in the eye. She had never heard another person put her thoughts into such simple language before.
For the longest time, Tori's emotions were a rat's nest of thoughts that she couldn't begin to unravel. And in one sentence, it blew over her like a summer breeze. It was clear.
"Tori," Ivy said, putting their hand on her arm. "This is more common than you think. You found your love and started a family...but what to do when one of you is gone?"
They handed more tissues to Tori who was letting it out.
"We hear the words 'til death do us part, but we never think about that as being left behind. We think in our minds that we will go at the same time but that's rare."
"It's just so hard...you know? I couldn't even bring myself to sleep in the bed we used to share. I can't...stand the absence."
She looked like she was going to collapse but Ivy was there to catch her as she embraced her.
The kiss felt good.
Tori liked it.
But...
"I feel like I'm betraying him! I could forgive myself because that kiss wasn't my idea. But because I secretly want another..."
She grabbed Ivy tighter and sobbed.
"How could I live with myself thinking that!?"
Ivy gently broke the hug as they sat on the couch beside Tori.
"I don't normally discuss this with people I see, but I think you should see."
It turned out Dr. Ivy wasn't wearing a turtleneck as a fashion statement. Underneath the fabric was a green necklace. It looked homemade.
"What's that?" she asked.
"This," they said clearing their throat. "Was something I made in memory of Jonah."
"Who's Jonah?"
"He was my brother. I actually had a twin, believe it or not."
Tori got a sinking feeling because Ivy mentioned him in the past tense.
"We were playing on a frozen pond while we vacationed in Windsor. The ice started to crack and..."
Ivy touched the necklace affectionately.
"...I got out but Jonah didn't make it."
"I'm so sorry," Tori said.
"For months I thought it was my fault and one night, my mom found me in my room."
Ivy rubbed their neck.
"I tried to hang myself."
A single tear escaped their eye and Tori was now hugging them.
"Oh my god," she sighed.
"If she hadn't found me...well, I wouldn't be sitting here and helping others who struggle with their pain."
Tori wiped her eyes.
"So, I wear this to remind me of him and I decided a necklace..." they then fixed the neck of the sweater. "To remind me of what I almost gave up."
"I had no idea," Tori said. "It must have been the hardest thing."
Ivy nodded.
"I felt the same thing when I learned more about you. But that's the way life works. Things will get bad, really bad. But we must find the strength to keep going. Because dammit, think of the good things we may miss."
"I...I need to do some thinking."
Ivy smiled, "That's good."
"FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-FUCK!"
Jade was going to wear a hole in her carpet at the rate she was going.
Alice had been home from school, but she kept to her room, working on her studies.
The former goth locked the door to her office and in her chamber tortured herself with replaying the New Years Eve smooch over and over and over again. It was like a self-inflicted PTSD.
"Why did I kiss her? Stupid, stupid!" she continued to speak audible enough to make her thoughts concrete but hushed enough in case anyone was right behind the door.
Wouldn't it be something if Tori was on the other side of that door.
What then?
What would Jade say to her right now?
She held her stomach as she collapsed onto her faux leather couch. Well, not quite that big. It was more of a loveseat, really.
Jade felt like the universe was playing a cruel prank on her.
Step 1: Realize you're queer.
Step 2: Fall for the last girl you would've imagined.
Step 3: Totally misread the room and kiss her.
Her palms pressed against her eyes as she groaned.
"If only...if only I knew about myself fully when we were younger."
Jade allowed herself a smirk.
"The look on everyone's faces. Could have been cool."
(And this is what you do with your second chance, huh? You spooked the girl!)
Things were going so well since they arrived for the New Years party. Jade played it cool, slowly letting down her guard so Tori saw how much she had changed. And by the time the ball was preparing to drop, Jade had hoped things would have gotten smooth enough that the kiss would be passionate and wonderful.
Not awkward and regretful.
"All this time avoiding Vega and here I am, itching to talk to her."
Jade saw her phone sitting on her writing desk. No calls, no messages. Might as well be a paperweight.
She huffed and jumped to her feet and grabbed the device.
Her finger hovered over the touch screen before unlocking it.
Jade scrolled through her contacts and there was Tori, not "Vega" or "Mia's mom" or "This bitch." That last one was how she had her in her contacts for about a month in their junior year. Then she eventually switched back to Vega.
She pressed the button, and it went straight to voicemail.
Little did she know, Tori was at therapy and had her phone in "Do Not Disturb" mode.
"Ah, hell."
Jade hung up instead of leaving a voicemail.
"The universe must have put a kick me sign on my back."