Disclaimer: Not mine.

Since I've gotten multiple reviews/comments bitching about how syphilis is easily cured and so Darla should actually be fine, I want to make a few things clear:

First of all, that's the show canon, and I'm not going to reinvent those details when it serves a central part of why the characters behaved as they did. So if you want to argue with that, argue with the writers, not in my review/comment box, please.

Secondly, Darla wasn't dying of Syphilis itself, but a 'Syphilitic Heart Condition' - the damage done to her by Syphilis was severe enough that they were too late to deal with it - as Lindsey said, normally easily treatable, but they were too late. That's the canon of the show. I don't know if that's really how this works in reality, but Angel the Series isn't reality, just reality adjacent. Sometimes you accept the implicit premises of a story, like how NCIS fanfic lets Abby be a one-woman crime lab, or fanfics based on superhero comic books & related media doesn't (usually) spend too much time interrogating the absurdities of vigilante justice as presented therein.

Thank you.

Normally I tend to go with the assumption that an episode happens around the same time as its airdate, but I'm going to say that the main body of Into the Woods happens sometime in early January instead.

Thanks to Lilykep for being my beta-reader.

Next Year's Girl

By Kylia

Chapter 12: Needing A Distraction

December 20th, 2000

Alleyway, Los Angeles

Shitshitshishit

The word ran through Xander's head over and over and over again as he ran away, getting more than a bit lost in the maze of alleys and side streets of this part of Los Angeles, not really paying attention, just focusing on putting distance between himself and Cordelia. Between himself and that alley where he'd gone and done the absolute stupidest thing he could have done.

The stupidest.

Not kissing Cordelia. That was stupid as hell, but it was the natural outgrowth of all his other stupid decisions leading up to it.

No.

Getting into that fight with Cordelia. Getting close. Getting in her face. Cutting words, trying to get at her - ignoring everything that had been happening since he'd come to L.A. Ignoring -

"You are the world's stupidest dumbass," Xander told himself, dropping his head into his hands. Shallow, cruel, vapid bitch? Really? Xander knew better than that. Better than to believe that was true of Cordelia now, if it ever had been. Even with what she'd said - and how much it burned that there was truth in them - he'd had no business saying anything like that to her.

But he also knew better than to say words like that. To Cordelia. To her face. When she was angry at him, he was angry at her...

Of course you were going to kiss when you got that angry at her, when you said something like that, when she was that angry, when she was saying what she was saying...

That's how it worked for them. The cruel joke of the universe.

He'd kissed Cordelia and ruined everything. Any bit of tentative trust, working partnership, the fact that she was, for all intents and purposes, his landlord and -

He'd ruined everything.

HE'D KISSED CORDELIA!

He'd been so sure that - that ungodly mistake could never be made again. Leaving aside the fact that he still loved Anya, whatever her permission to have a fling said - he couldn't - he and Cordelia could never - it had been a mistake when they'd dated, and it was a mistake to kiss now.

It didn't matter that the memory of her lips on his still lingered in his mind. Or the way she'd returned the kiss, just as intensely. It didn't matter that he knew Cordelia was different - the girl he'd seen there, when she'd stood up to her friends to keep dating him was so much more, everything she'd been before, but -

It didn't matter.

Because you fucked up. Because you-

Xander finally lifted his head from his hands, looking around. He was standing on the sidewalk, people walking by him, ignoring him, going about their business, shops and bars still open here and there, though not as many, given the late hour. He looked at the street, not recognizing the name on the sign, no clear idea on where he was in relation to his car.

...Which he'd given the keys to Cordelia anyway. So she could get home on her own. Since they couldn't be in a car together. Not without risk of arguing more and kissing more and -

If they did that, if they kissed more, they would keep kissing. Because of course, Xander had lied when he'd said Cordelia had been a bad kisser way back when. Not even close. And if they kept kissing, it might escalate to more - might even escalate to them tricking themselves into thinking they should date again. Unlikely - Cordelia was smarter than that - but there. And then Xander would screw it up again and he'd hurt her again and he didn't want to do that.

Couldn't do that to her.

And that was just one reason why kissing Cordelia, and not noticing all the signs leading up to it, had been stupid.

So.

Very.

Stupid.

Taking a deep breath, Xander stepped back, to the edge of the sidewalk, not in anyone's way now. He needed to get back to the Hyperion - even if he had to move out, which was likely, he'd need his stuff. Cordelia probably wasn't so spiteful as to ruin his car, so he could get that, pack everything up and then go.

Tell Angel and Wesley and Gunn that he'd be willing to help, as needed, for now, but he needed to move out. Of course, they'd want answers, and there were none he could give that wouldn't risk hinting at the cause, and he did not want to have that conversation with anyone.

Maybe I just need some time. Just a little time.

Walking halfway across L.A. at night was not Xander's idea of a good time, especially 'as a woman'. On the other hand, he was a Slayer. Some wandering later, he found a major street he recognized, and then was able to figure out the way back to the Hyperion from there. He stayed to major streets, stayed to streetlights. He could have handled vampires or demons that haunted the sidestreets, the alleys, the darkly lit corners of the city, but he was in no mood to get into a fight.

And of course, purely human muggers. Some of whom had guns. Outrunning guns was not really a possibility, in most cases.

Sticking to major, well-trafficked areas made the whole process take longer, and Xander debated more than once trying to hail a cab, but in the end, having a long time to himself to think was actually a good thing.

For a change.

Because he'd come up with a solution.

It was nearly Christmas. Sunnydale wasn't that far away, and he could go visit his friends for Christmas. He could see them, they could see him. He'd put some distance between himself and Cordelia, and if they all really needed his help for a crisis, they could call, but - it was a good excuse to be away.

You could just leave L.A. entirely. You don't owe Angel anything. Or Cordelia. Or Wesley. Or Gunn. And Sure as hell not Darla. The woman's condition was not great - Xander didn't ask for or want the specifics, but apparently she really did only have another month, maybe more, to live. She was bedridden a lot, and Angel was of course, not leaving her side all that often.

But... there was that big deal, that big... threat. Was Darla and what she could have represented the threat? Or was it something else? And...

There were things he liked about living in L.A. Living in the Hyperion, even. And now that he was even working for Angel Investigations, he was technically (sometimes) getting paid for fighting demons and vampires and all that. He... got along with Gunn, who had no baggage of his past self to color anything. Wesley was... okay. Angel - okay, Xander could still have done without Angel, but he was a good guy.

And Cordelia...

Nope. Nope. Nope.

Xander shook his head, biting his lip.

"What are my choices? Go back to Sunnydale and stay there?" Xander asked himself quietly. He didn't think he was ready for that, but he could use a Christmas return to Sunnydale to... give him a chance to find out, maybe? See if he could stick around.

Otherwise, it was... leave L.A. and just go wandering some more? Maybe see what demons and vampires were worth slaying in NorCal? Or Oregon? Washington?

Xander didn't want to just keep wandering around. And he did want to stay within reach of Sunnydale, in case Buffy needed his help, especially if an apocalypse cropped up.

That resolves it. I'm going to get to the Hyperion... get some sleep - not much, but something - and then head to Sunnydale. He'd already mailed presents and cards back there, but she could stop and get some small and cheap things for everyone, along the way, to have something to bring.

By the time Xander got back to the Hyperion, it was just past midnight.

His car was indeed parked there, thank god, and Cordelia hadn't wrecked it or anything. He wasn't surprised

He was surprised to see lights on in the lobby, this late. Wouldn't everyone but Angel have gone home by now?

Xander blinked as he opened the front doors and saw Cordelia there, pacing behind the front desk, moving like she'd drunk way too much coffee in the last few hours.

"What are you still doing up? And here?" Xander asked, before he could stop himself, calling out across the lobby. He started to move closer, to join her behind the desk or at least get closer to the desk, so he wouldn't have to raise his voice, and then...

No... I don't - that seems like the opposite of a good idea actually. Xander took a breath and stood by the circular couch, keeping his distance from her.

"Couldn't sleep." Cordelia waved a hand dismissively. Then she looked at Xander, "Xander - we - that - what the hell happened?!"

"We kissed. I'm sorry about that - I didn't mean to - I-"

"I kissed you too, Xander, don't go throwing yourself on your sword about it. But what the hell happened? Fine, you're attractive, even sexy, I mean, just," She gestured at Xander, and Xander flushed at her words, despite himself. "And you still think I'm sexy and beautiful, obviously."

Xander bit back the immediate snarky comment that came to mind at Cordelia's words, his brain reacting immediately to being in a conversation with Cordelia in the worst possible way. Snark was what had gotten them into this mess again in the first place. "I mean... yeah," Xander admitted. "That part never changed. But -"

"But that - I mean - what the hell Xander?! We kissed!" Cordelia looked, "Why are you standing all the way over there?!" Cordelia started to come around the desk, to walk towards him, but Xander held up a hand.

"Think it might be a good idea if we keep our distance right now." Xander suggested, looking at her meaningfully. "Remember what happened the next time we spoke after the basement?"

Cordelia's cheeks went red for a moment and she licked her lower lip, clearing her throat and looking away. She put a hand casually on the desk, "Good point." She inhaled. "I just - how did we - what the -" Cordelia started, stopped, and started again before stopping. "Sexy or not, I know better than to kiss you! I'm not crushing on you!"

"And I know better than to kiss you too! I'm an idiot, but I'm not that much of an idiot, I promise Cordelia." Xander inhaled, "We just - we were arguing and then..." He trailed off, not wanting to say it again.

"Yeah..." Cordelia agreed. She exhaled slowly.

Xander stared at her, she stared at him. Both of them said nothing for a long time.

"I think-" Xander started, finally, at the same time Cordelia opened her mouth,

"The thing is-"

Xander closed his mouth, and gestured for Cordelia to speak first. His ex didn't say anything though for a long moment, chewing on her lower lip, looking away.

I forgot how cute she looks when she does that... Xander's errant, stupid fucking brain suggested, some idiot braincell firing off without prompting.

"We just let our emotions get the better of us," Cordelia finally said, firmly. "We got heated, argued, and, we were right in eachother's faces and saying... things we probably shouldn't have said," she waved a hand dismissively, the closest Xander was likely to get as an apology for what she'd said to him. "And -" Cordelia sighed, slumping a little, then groaned. "I don't even know why I'm telling you this, but - for god's sake, it has been a while since..." she gestured vaguely. "So all of that, the fact that we've been stuck with each other for the last month..." Cordelia made a face. "Yeah. It just happened, because of all that."

Xander followed what she was saying, and what she wasn't saying. It had been a while for him too. Basically the entire time he'd been a girl, barring those abortive attempts with Anya.

"Yeah. It's - it's - for me too, it's been - yeah. A while." Xander admitted. "That makes sense." Definitely made more sense than - yeah. It had been a while, things got heated. "We fell into old habits. Argue and then..." he cleared his throat. "Yeah." Cheeks flushed, Xander looked away. "I think we just need some distance, right? Make sure we don't - I don't wanna," he gestured at her, "and you don't wanna," he gestured at himself. "Right."

"God no!" Cordelia confirmed. "Not even close. Not a chance. No way."

Great. That's. Great. Xander nodded. This is good. Because there was nothing that could anyway.

So - that was fine. He was - he was glad to - it was good to hear, right? Yeah. It was.

"So, we just need to keep our distance, maybe - wait for everything to get out of our system, right?"

"Yeah. That makes sense. If I have a vision - I mean, I don't usually need to go with you or anything."

"Yeah, that's true." Xander said, he sort of rubbed his hand together, palm of one rubbing over the knuckles of the other. "But - that - I was thinking, since we need to put some distance that I would go to Sunnydale. It's almost Christmas, I figure I could visit everyone for a week, come back?" And everything would be fine. They'd have their distance.

"And what if we do need your help? Angel's still out of commission guarding Darla most of the time!?" Cordelia's voice was raised immediately as she objected.

"I think if it's something so urgent that it can't wait for me to drive down from LA, then Angel can rip himself away from Darla for a little bit?" Xander pointed out. "I'm not saying I'll be gone forever, just - I mean, I'd like to visit my friends for Christmas, and it would be more distance. Which we both agree is a good idea."

"Don't leave me to have to deal with Angel's crap alone!" Cordelia snapped. "I love the big idiot, but he's... such an idiot sometimes."

"Wesley and Gunn-"

"Wesley's a pushover for Angel, and Gunn is only part-time anyway, so," she waved a hand dismissively. She stepped back, pulling out one of the chairs behind the front desk and collapsed into it, letting out a half-strangled growl of frustration. "But you are right," she said, finally. "And yeah. Distance. Good. Just make sure you don't stay there. As long as Darla is here, Angel's going to stay distracted."

Xander nodded. "I don't think I'd even want to stay there. There's a reason I left. Reasons." Plus, if Anya was having flings - which he couldn't doubt she would - he didn't want to see those. He agreed she had every right to, but...

Xander let out a long exhale, then stood. "I'm going to my room and sleep for a bit, and then I'll leave tomorrow morning. If it really is an all hands on deck vision or something, you guys have my number."

"Yeah." Cordelia nodded. "Seriously though. You're coming back, if I have to go and drag you back by your ear, Xander."

Xander laughed, even though if anyone could, it would be her. "Okay." He started towards the hallway leading towards his room, then blinked, turned back and said, "I - I'm sorry for what I said. You're not the same girl from High School." He didn't wait for a response from Cordelia, heading to his room and crashing onto his bed, getting to sleep within minutes.

And his dreams had nothing to do with what had happened earlier that night. Nothing at all.

December 22nd, 2000

1630 Revello Drive, Sunnydale

Everyone had been glad to see him, and Mrs. Summers had let him crash on the couch at La Casa Summers until Christmas, which Xander was very grateful for. Catching up on everything, and getting to see that Mrs. S was indeed doing fine and on the mend after her surgery was good. Dawn was exactly as he remembered.

The big deal was still Glory, the evil blonde demon-woman-thing that could apparently beat Buffy up, but also couldn't be bothered to do anything about it. They didn't know where she was hiding either. There was an increase in the number of crazy people in Sunnydale too. And an alien, an actual alien, had crash landed in Sunnydale. Well, come in a meteor. And it was still a known species of demon.

But still. Alien! Or close enough!

And no one had mentioned that over the phone!

"You haven't really talked about what's been happening in L.A." Buffy pointed out. "You've been here for close to two days, and barely mentioned it."

Xander shrugged, "What's there to say? Angel's annoying, Wesley is British, Cordelia is..." Xander cleared his throat. "She's Cordelia," he said quickly.

"I thought you said she wasn't as bad as she was in High School." Willow asked, eying him.

"She's not! She's just - she's still Cordelia. Any amount of being poor isn't going to change that." Xander explained. "She's still very Cordelia. All sharp-tongued and well-dressed and judgey. She's... just. You know. She cares about people more."

"At least tell me she's stuck in some dingy, crappy apartment?" Willow asked, and Tara gave Willow a 'what the heck?' look. "What? She made High School - and Middle School, and Elementary school - suck for me. I'm not allowed to be a little spiteful?!"

"You really shouldn't," Tara said softly.

"Well, sorry to disappoint, but according to Angel and Wesley, her place is very nice. I've never been. She does have a ghost for a roommate though," Xander said. "But she also made my life pretty crappy too then, and I'm not being spiteful about her."

"You also dated her. She hypnotized you with those boobs of hers," Willow stuck her tongue out at Xander.

Xander coughed, "Well, you have to admit they are-" Xander started, but then he started laughing before he could get it out, with the look on Willow's face, a combination of thoughtful and disgusted.

Willow flushed, "I plead the fifth."

"Willow - I don't think that counts here." Tara teased her girlfriend gently. Willow just bit her lip and looked away. Tara smiled softly and kissed her on the cheek.

"You know, now that I think about it, you haven't talked to us much about what's been happening in L.A. most of the times we've talked over the phone for the last month or so?" Buffy said, eyes narrowing. "Not that we even got to talk on the phone much. You were always busy. That's why I never told you about the Queller demon." Buffy leaned forward. "So what were you up to?"

"Just... lots of little things. Angel's been - he's been busy, so I - I was chipping in more, helping out when Cordelia got a vision, and their cases and stuff. I got fired from my latest minimum wage job, so... a little bit of pay for helping out is good." Xander hadn't really meant to avoid talking about all the Darla stuff, but it had been hard to just drop into the occasional phone call. Not when there was so much else to cover. Like Mrs. Summers having cancer and stuff!

"Why is Angel busy?" Buffy demanded. "Is he okay?!"

"He's Angel. He's never okay," Xander answered, truthfully. "He - there's someone Wolfram and Hart really wants to turn into a vampire. A lot. They're dying, and Angel's keeping an eye on them so they can die peacefully, instead of getting turned." There. That was true.

"Oh. Well, yeah, I guess that falls under the helping the hopeless thing." Buffy nodded. "So you haven't just been living in the same building where Cordelia works, you're actually working close with her? What's that like?"

"It's fine!" Xander said quickly. Too quickly.

"Xander." Buffy gave him a pointed look, her tone unpersuaded. Willow was giving him her resolve face. Anya looked curious as well, raising an eyebrow.

"It's fine, really." Xander insisted. "We argue sometimes, and we're working all the time we're in the same space anyway. Cordelia doesn't hate me anymore, and I stopped hating her a long time ago anyway, so... it's just work." I'm not lying. I'm just... being creative with the truth. Or whatever.

Because, it was fine. Had been fine. So they just needed to get to fine again. That was all he needed to do.

He managed to shift the topic a little, telling them about some of the demons that he'd fought in L.A. Starting with the big giant one with those really hard to break eggs - Xander knew he was mangling the name as he told them it, but that wasn't the point. He couldn't help but bring up Cordelia, since she was fighting by his side most of those times, but still, that was just the job.

"Destroying those eggs was not fun. I had to pick up each one, chuck it across the room and grab the next, and half of them were covered in... unborn demon pus or whatever." He shuddered. "But eventually they were all destroyed."

Eventually, the conversation turned again, with Buffy and Willow and Tara talking about college, Anya about the store, and eventually, it was late enough that Willow and Tara wanted to head back to campus, and Anya back to her apartment.

"Why don't you walk me back, Xander?" Anya asked. "We should talk some more."

Xander nodded. He supposed they should. He did want to know where things stood with Anya. She hadn't said she was actually moving on, relationship-wise, and they'd agreed to say something if they did that, so...

But could he - should he? - expect her to keep herself on hold forever. No. Of course not.

And yet, what are you doing?

Once they were a half block away from Buffy's house, Anya spoke up. "Willow and Tara haven't found any good solutions. Nothing that doesn't involve paying a price you don't want to pay, or risking someone we can't be sure we can trust becoming a Slayer. And you haven't found anything either."

As usual, Anya was direct, to the point, and without bothering to cushion the blow. On the other hand, Xander was basically expecting as much.

"I figured," he said, sighing. "If Willow had a solution, she'd have said something, and if a solution existed... wouldn't it have been found by now?"

"There is a lot of magic out there, and witches and sorcerers and warlocks guard their secrets jealously, but between my thousand years of experience and Willow's power, and Giles's books, we've turned up nothing that will work. As long as the Slayer essence is a factor, and we can't just ignore that."

"No, we really can't." Xander said. He looked at the ground for a moment.

"Besides, I've had a lot of time to think, since you left, and I think some part of you doesn't actually want to change back. I think part of you never did." Anya said, and Xander's neck nearly snapped under the force of him bringing his head up and around to look at her, mouth open, Anya saying something so insane like it was nothing.

"Wha-? No!" What the hell was she saying?

"I'm not saying you wanted to be a woman, or that you were eager to be stuck in this new body of yours," Anya clarified, "But I do think part of you likes being a Slayer. I think that if you really wanted your body back badly enough, you'd have been willing to try other things." Anya gestured, "Sunnydale alone has plenty of perfectly vile men that could stand to be killed. Warlocks and people who worship demons who like human sacrifices and so on. People you should have no problem with killing, after a swap."

"Anya, it's still murder!" Xander protested. "I - It's not my job, or our job to - I don't want to kill people!"

"And that's - that's my point, Xander. You've decided something else matters more to you than getting a male body back, and I think part - part - of that is because part of you likes being a Slayer enough to put up with being a woman."

"I'm not a woman!" Xander cleared his throat as he said that, and then, "I mean, I am, but I'm not and- you're not usually this confusing, Anya!"

"And you're usually a better listener, Xander, so maybe pay attention!" Anya said, then she went on. "Just - answer me this: being a Slayer. Do you like it? Like having the power? The ability to actually be part of the fight?"

"Yeah." Xander said, sighing. "I do. I like... It's nice to not be fray-adjacent. To be able to fight back. To not have to hide when things get dangerous, because we're up against things too powerful for me." Though his experiences in L.A. with Wesley and Gunn showed that he could have been more involved in the past had he wanted to really push, learned better about how to fight... Gunn had a whole crew of human demon and vampire hunters.

"And I think even at the start, there was part of you that liked being a Slayer more than wanted to go back to being a guy. At least after your body died," Anya said. "And now? I heard you talking about how you fought those demons. You didn't sound happy, but you did sound satisfied with the fact that you could do that. Like you've found a new place on the team there." She shook his head. "You're not stuck in neutral anymore."

"No... I guess I'm not." Xander admitted, looking away, biting her lip. "I - I like being useful. I've been useful there. And I'm used to them. Used to working with them now, I guess." He let out another breath, less of a sigh and more of an 'oh'. Wonder.

He'd only been in L.A. for a short time, but... he really did feel like he fit there.

"But," he said quickly, shaking his head, "That's only because - I mean, that's only because I did get stuck in this body. I am. I wouldn't have felt stuck in neutral in the first place, if not for all of... this." He gestured to himself.

"True. But this is what it is now, Xander. This is your life. My life." She shook her head. "There's no getting back to being a guy, not if you're unwilling to do certain things."

"If there was a way to get back to being a guy - I miss you, Ahn. I love you." Xander said. "No matter how much I like having Slayer powers, I don't like the expiration date that comes with it. And I would give it all up to be able to be with you again."

Anya searched his expression. "You mean that. Or at least you think you do."

"I do mean it."

"But there isn't a way to do it. None you want to use and and as much as I get that not killing someone matters to you, and to be honest it bothers me a little too, the idea of just killing someone, and I hate that it does bother me - unless you're willing to do something like that, we might as well face it, Xander. You're going to be a woman forever."

Xander dropped his head into his hands, "I've figured that for a while. Since The Host said as much."

"You're not acting like it."

"What the hell does that mean?"

"What actually happened with Cordelia?" Anya demanded, though without raising her voice.

"Wha- what do you - nothing happened!" Xander insisted, trying to ignore the way his voice cracked. What did Cordelia have to do with their earlier conversation?!

"You said that, and it was a lie then, and it's a lie now, Xander. Something else happened." Anya stepped closer. "Xander," she said, her voice soft. "We're probably never going to be able to be together again, but you're still important to me. What happened with Cordelia?"

Xander turned away, unable to look in Anya's eyes. "We were on a case. I screwed up," Xander had screwed up. He wasn't ever going to just... sit there and flirt back with the guy like Cordelia would have wanted, but he hadn't had to try and break the guy's arm. He could have done... something. "Maybe not the end of the world, but... we started arguing. We got into each other's faces... we said things we shouldn't have said and then... I don't understand how it happened. We were arguing and then... we were kissing."

It had been good. In the exact moment of the kiss, before his brain had registered who it was, really realized -

God, it really has been a long fucking time. Not just sex, but even a kiss. A hug. Having someone next to you in bed.

I'm pathetic.

"You kissed her?"

Xander turned back, a hand on her shoulder, "Anya, I didn't - I didn't mean to."

"It's not like it's cheating, Xander."

"It sure as hell felt like it!" Xander snapped back. He swallowed. "And even - it's Cordelia! It's the worst of all possible - I mean, I can't be kissing her!"

"Why not? She's attractive, you two have a history, you work together, personality-wise she's definitely your type," Anya ticked off. "I'd say the only downside is that she's straight, but it sounds like she might not be."

"No, she's - she's not." Xander said absently, then he did a double take, her earlier sentence registering. "What the - Anya, our history is exactly the problem!"

"It certainly would be an impediment, but you've had months since we formally broke up, and you haven't slept with anyone. You haven't even flirted with anyone, have you?"

Xander flushed, "No. I'm not exactly very good at that anyway."

"Why haven't you?"

"I - because I - I feel - it feels wrong! I made that joke to Willow a while back, about the fact that I was technically a lesbian, but I'm not!"

"But you are." Anya pointed out.

"And whatever we agreed, it -" Xander cut himself off. "It would feel like admitting we were..."

"Like admitting we were never going to get back together." Anya finished. Xander nodded. Anya reached her hand up and put it over his hand on her shoulder. "Unfortunately, I know exactly how you feel."

Xander stared at her, breath catching.

"You mean-"

"No. I haven't had sex the entire time you've been gone. I've worn out so many batteries." Anya shook her head, "I kept hoping... I tried, a few times. It didn't feel right." She hit him in the chest, lightly, "I wish you hadn't been so easy to fall in love with." She looked away for a moment, then back to him. "But we both need to stop pretending."

Xander opened his mouth, trying to say something, then closed it again. She wasn't wrong. God. I - how did Anya - Xander shook his head, baffled... and touched. But - he couldn't be happy about it. Happy that Anya was holding herself back like that. She deserved better than that.

"I'm sorry." Xander squeezed her shoulder, cupping her cheek with his other hand for a moment. "You shouldn't - you should feel like you should have to do that. You deserved better than keeping yourself on hold for me this whole time."

"I did, but I can't change how I felt then," Anya pointed out. "But you deserve better than keeping yourself on hold too. Which brings us back to Cordelia."

Xander blinked. "I'm not following."

"You kissed Cordelia. You're obviously still attracted to her, which makes sense. Like I said, she's absolutely your type, and you work together." Anya shrugged, "She kissed you back, so obviously she thinks you're attractive in this body-"

"She just kissed back because - because it's been a while for her too!" Xander shot back. "And we just... got so heated."

"People who don't feel anything for the other don't kiss in the middle of an argument, Xander," Anya said flatly. "You have been here before with her."

"Yes, and last time it crashed and burned because I screwed up! And it's not - it's not like things were perfect before then!"

Anya rolled her eyes, "You're not going to make the same mistake twice, Xander. It's not like you cheated on Cordelia because you thought Willow was more attractive."

Xander bit his lower lip. He had had that conversation with Anya, once they were at that point in the relationship. The insecurities. The self-sabotage. The certainty he'd screw it up anyway, so he did it on his terms.

"Okay, and!? Even if I don't do that, I'll screw it up some other way!"

"Will you? I won't claim you were a perfect boyfriend, but I've seen a lot of boyfriends and husbands over the centuries, and you're better than the vast majority of them." Anya pointed out.

"That's a ringing endorsement given that most of the boyfriends and husbands you encountered were the ones getting wishes made against them." Xander pointed.

"That's true, but you'd be amazed what petty stuff set some women off enough to summon me." Anya chuckled. "I'd tell you all about them, but I already know how you feel about me talking about my old job."

"And if we're not actually dating, I don't have to listen," Xander chuckled, but he shook his head a little, smiling softly as he said it. He stared past Anya. "You know, I missed them, while I was in L.A. Those stories of yours." He held up a hand quickly. "Not enough to want to hear them now."

Anya closed her mouth, pretending to look disappointed, then she shook her head. "I'm not saying you have to sleep with Cordelia, but I do think she'd make an excellent choice. She knows you used to be a guy, so you won't have to worry about hiding details of your past or dropping that explanation. Saying you're trans raises the question of where you'd have gotten your surgery, because, well," she gestured to Xander, and he nodded.

"And I'm pretty sure that surgery can't make someone have periods," Xander supplied, and Anya nodded.

"No. Granted, you could always say magic and prove the existence of it, but then you'd need someone who could handle all that. You already know Cordelia can." Anya was really going to harp on this, apparently. "And as for your relationship not having been perfect, you were in High School, and if you had a perfect relationship, you'd be bored out of your mind, Xander."

"None of this matters, because there's no way in hell Cordelia would want -would want to sleep with me! And I don't want to with her!"

"I think you believe that." Anya said, her words unusually tactful for his... ex?

Yeah. I guess we can finally...

"But like I said - you don't have to sleep with Cordelia." Anya said, as if she hadn't just said everything else she'd said along with that. "But you do need to finally move on. We both do. You need to go to a gay bar and have sex with an attractive woman. And I need to find a guy and get him to give me many long overdue orgasms."

Xander couldn't deny, it hurt to hear Anya say that, and he felt his throat tighten a moment. He cleared his throat. Then again.

"I can't and wouldn't stop you from doing that, but... I don't - I don't think I can -" Xander started. "I mean... how would I... it's not like I've ever actually been good at -"

"Flirting? No, you have many redeeming features, including your fingers and tongue, and your sense of humor and how much you care, but flirting is not really something you're good at." Anya said, a smile on her face, blinking repeatedly. Was that an errant tear she was wiping away? "But you don't have to be the one to make the first move. You are objectively attractive. Just don't blow it when someone makes the first approach."

"Why - why does it matter so much to you if I- if I have sex?"

"Because sex is fun, and it's good to have, and you deserve more good in your life, Xander. Because you would probably make a woman quite pleased, given how good you got with your tongue by the end, and because it would be easier for me to move on and have sex again knowing you're having sex." Anya said.

Xander let out one last soft, somewhat broken laugh, blinking repeatedly, wetness in his eyes. That was his Anya. Well. No. Not his. Never his, really, and never again. He swallowed. But that was her. Pragmatic and concerned and self-interested, but all aspects pointing in one direction.

"I..." Xander trailed off, then tried again. "I can't make any promises, and... you've given me a lot to think about. More than I want to think about, to be clear, but, I guess I have to think about them." He gestured ahead of them, "But we still need to get to your place, and I'd feel better if I walked you back." Sunnydale still was dangerous after dark.

"We can talk more if you want, later." Anya agreed. "I don't want you to think I'm happy about admitting that it's time to give up, I'm not."

"But you're right. It doesn't matter if either of us are happy about it, it's the reality." Xander swallowed.

They walked silently back towards Anya's apartment.

Xander stayed in Sunnydale until the middle of the way through December 26th, and then it was back to L.A.

And a car drive with a lot more thinking.

January 7th, 2001

Lesbian Bar, Los Angeles

It took Xander more than a week to be comfortable with this. Working up to it. But here he was.

God, I should really stop thinking 'he' shouldn't I? There was no going back to being a guy physically. Xander had finally given up on that, after that talk with Anya. And he had been holding out that hope. More than he'd expected.

In a way, it had been liberating, to let go. Just a little.

Depressing too, but.

Xander sat at the bar, flagging down the bartender and ordering a club soda. He definitely didn't need alcohol.

He sat there at the bar, wearing a T-shirt, no overshirt. The jeans he was wearing were a little tighter than what he usually wore as well. He might have gone shopping for this. Just a little.

I feel like an idiot.

Despite his best efforts, despite the distance, Xander still hadn't been able to get the kiss with Cordelia out of his head. He'd avoided her when they weren't working together, actually taking the basement/sewer exit/entrance out of the Hyperion a few times, to avoid her. Even when it was a vision, he'd actually convinced Angel to go and deal with it one time, taking over guarding Darla duty in his stead.

Well, maybe not convinced. He'd all but begged, and Angel had agreed.

But that kiss... how it had felt. The parts of it that were familiar. The parts that were different. Every time he saw Cordelia now, even out of the corner of his eyes, he imagined kissing her again. And sometimes more than just that.

And... that feeling of it would be cheating on Anya was still there, just a little, but - less. Definitely. Now that they'd had that... formal breakup. That heart to heart.

But the real problem was that Xander was apparently so pent up, so horny (despite the fact that it wasn't like he didn't masturbate at all) and it had been so long that he was reacting to being around Cordelia like that.

It wasn't that his every waking moment or every dream was full of her. Thank sweet baby Jesus. But... way too many of his thoughts were about her. And, unholiest of all, not all of them were kissing her, or going further. Some were just.. Her.

So yeah. He'd tried to kick his ass into gear when it came to this. Anya was right. He needed to get laid. So yeah. He'd gone shopping. There was only so much he'd been willing to do. He already felt like he was lying, doing this. Trying to dress up more, be someone he wasn't even more than he already was...

I feel like an idiot. He repeated to himself.

But somehow, against all odds, after about ten, fifteen minutes of sitting alone, trying to work up some sort of courage to do something, say something to someone (though that would require looking at someone, something, other than his club soda), someone sat down next to him.

"First time at a place like this?"

Xander turned to look at the girl sitting next to her. She looked to be a few years older than him. Longish hair, dyed bright green. She had several piercings, one on her lip, one on her nose, and... was that one on her tongue? He couldn't tell, as she flagged down the bartender and ordered a cocktail for herself. She wore a low-cut, midriff baring tube top, and tight pants of her own.

In a way, it was an outfit that wouldn't have looked out of place on Faith. Though she didn't quite have the same slutty energy that Faith did. And in a good way.

Xander's next thought though, was that she was nothing like Cordelia. Also nothing like Anya. Hot though.

"Is it that obvious?" Xander tried to ignore the way his cheeks felt hot for a moment, shifting in his chair.

"Just a little," She held thumb and forefinger close together, grinning. She held out a hand. "I'm Clarissa. You?"

"Alex," Xander said, taking her hand and shaking it a moment. "You look - you look really good."

"You do too. Loving the shirt, and those jeans." She smirked, appraising him. "And I especially like the way you wear them." Xander cleared his throat and looked away. "Damn, I could tell you'd never been to a bar like this, but are you completely brand new?" She asked, though at least there was no suggestion she was bothered by it, or thought it was a turn-off or something.

Just... don't screw it up if someone makes the approach. He could at least try.

"Not... not exactly? It's a long story. I kind of... stumbled into my last two relationships." Had truer words ever been spoken. "And I - I finally decided I needed to..." Xander laughed, rubbing the back of his head. "It's been a while. In a lot of ways."

"Really?"

"You sound surprised."

"A little. I mean, I guess we all start somewhere, but I mean, you have looked in a mirror lately, right?" She grinned.

"It's - yeah. Long story." Xander let out a breath. "I'm making a complete idiot out of myself."

"Not too much. I've heard worse. Besides, it's kind of cute watching your cheeks go red." Clarissa teased, reaching over to flick a finger against one of his cheeks. She leaned forward. "I'll be blunt. I came here to get laid. I broke up with my girlfriend last week," she gestured to the other side of the bar, where a blonde girl was sitting next to a dark-haired girl, both tall and leggy, "And I'm looking for a hot girl to fuck. And I'd like it to be you."

Xander cleared his throat. "You said you'd be blunt. I - I - that sounds like it -" he flushed. "I like the sound of that idea."

"Good." Clarissa nodded. "Like I said, you're hot. But you also look like you'll jump out of your own skin in a minute. So let's talk for a bit. If you still feel interested after we've gotten the chance to know each other a little, then we can go back to your place. If not, I can move on, no hard feelings." She leaned forward. "Seriously. Only if you're comfortable with it."

"That - okay. Yeah. That sounds good." Xander wasn't entirely sure the 'back to your place' comment was the best of plans, but...

Fuck it. What was it Buffy used to say to Willow? Carpe Diem?

Well, the Carpe wasn't going to get any more Diem than tonight, right?