Chapter 3 – Who Am I?
"What is there to talk about?" Ben asked balefully.
He turned his focus to the rabbits on the spit, ensuring they would cook evenly, but mostly so he wouldn't have to maintain eye contact with the man. His brilliant blue eyes were too intense, as if they saw straight into his soul. Who the hell was this guy?
"Let's start with something simple," The man leaned back and tilted his head. "Why did you run away?"
"I'm not telling you anything," Ben resisted. "I don't even know who you are."
"My name is Anakin," said the man in an expectant tone.
Silence filled the air, save for the crackling of the fire and night noises from creatures coming to investigate the disturbance in their midst.
"Is that supposed to mean something to me?" Ben asked, uncomfortable with the lingering silence.
"Evidently not," Anakin said with a sigh. "So why did you run away, Ben?"
There was no reason for Ben to confide in this stranger, yet there was something about the man that made him want to spill his secrets. What the hell, why not? He'd already told Rey and Rose pieces of his tragic backstory, so why not continue the streak?
"I don't belong with the Resistance," Ben muttered. "With everything I've done, they'll never accept me, no matter how hard I try to fit in."
"That's going to be a given no matter where you go," Anakin said dismissively with a wave of his hand. "You will always be the villain in some people's eyes, but that doesn't mean you have to see yourself as a villain. So you might as well stay and give this a shot."
"More than likely, I'll be shot," Ben said darkly. He stamped out an ember as it flew out of the pit and landed on a leaf and set it aflame.
"You can handle that," Anakin insisted. "You know how to defend yourself in a fight."
"I know that," Ben grumbled.
"So what's the problem?" Anakin pushed.
"I don't know how to defend myself against their hate and fear, okay?! It's not something I can solve with the wave of my hand!" Ben shouted, kicking a stone into a tree and knocking off a branch. "At least, not anymore. It's never bothered me before, but now I feel so damn guilty every time I look at one of them!"
"That's a good thing, Ben," Anakin said reassuringly.
"How the fuck is that a good thing?!" Ben shouted, standing up.
"It means you've uprooted the darkness within you and turned away from the temptation that is the dark side," Anakin said, turning the rig again. The rabbits were getting a little toasty on the underside. "You've learned how to care for people other than yourself again."
"What the hell do you know?" Ben roared at him. "You've never experienced what I have! You probably grew up safe and happy on some grassy-green planet and joined the Resistance because it was the noble thing to do. What do you know of hardship and strife?"
"I grew up as a slave on Tatooine, working my hands to the bone building podracers. My master forced me to race them in the local podraces. He had a massive gambling problem which he solved by betting against me," Anakin said calmly, not even twitching at Ben's diatribe. "When I was eight, some travelers passing through the area won my freedom and took me with them. I left behind my mother, my friends, and everything I'd ever known for the chance of a better life." He sighed and added another branch to the pit. The firelight flickered in his eyes, which had turned serious and sad. "I joined an ancient order which molded me into a fearless warrior, the best the galaxy has ever seen."
"Then why haven't I heard of you?" Ben muttered as he sat back down, feeling a little guilty at profiling the man.
"I got overshadowed by somebody else," Anakin chuckled at some secret he decided to keep to himself. "I fought for the Republic and saved millions of people and star systems, and I fell in love with the most singular woman I've ever met in my life."
"That doesn't sound so bad," Ben argued. In fact, his story reminded him of himself and Rey.
"It doesn't sound bad, does it?" Anakin smiled darkly. "My life wasn't perfect, but it was damn near close. I had an amazing and loving wife and friends who were more like family. But I had fears… fears and doubts that I allowed to push me towards the dark side. I was too weak and I gave into temptation. I believed the lies I was told. I thought I would be able to use the dark side's power for good, to save the people I loved, to stop the Sith from taking over the galaxy. Instead, it swallowed me up and spit me out as the very being I'd fought all my life against, a Sith."
"What the hell are you talking about?" Ben growled, growing impatient.
Anakin was clearly no Sith lord. He was far too young and he wasn't radiating any sort of energy or power. Even with the cuffs on, Ben would be able to sense if Anakin was Force-sensitive and he wasn't. Why was this delusional man spouting these falsehoods?
"You don't believe me?" Anakin grinned, very amused at the rising color in Ben's cheeks.
"Of course I don't believe you!" Ben wanted to laugh, but he was far too angry. "You're no Sith lord or great warrior. But that was a very entertaining story. Thanks so much for wasting my time. Feel free to jump off the nearest cliff."
"I haven't finished my story yet," Anakin said calmly, not moving a muscle.
"Let me guess, you redeem yourself and return to the Resistance as a hero and they welcomed you with open arms," Ben predicted sarcastically.
"No, of course not. What kind of fairytale are you living in?" Anakin scoffed and rolled his eyes. "I turned against my evil master and threw him down a reactor shaft. I expired from electrical wounds and the bastard didn't even die. I just postponed his return to power."
"You liar," Ben grunted. He stood up, not wanting to listen anymore.
"It's the truth," Anakin said. "But my point is that you've done far less than I have and you managed to survive your battle with Palpatine. You have a chance to fully redeem yourself whereas I never did."
"I don't have to listen to this," Ben said, stalking off. His stomach growled, reminding him of his food roasting on the spit. It would go to waste now. He consoled himself; he could find other rabbits to eat.
"Really, Ben?" Anakin said in disbelief, following him. "Now that you can finally see me, you don't want to hear what I have to say?"
"You're a crazy lunatic!" Ben shouted over his shoulder. "Why should I believe anything you say?"
He shouted in surprise as he was seized and hoisted up against a tree. Anakin held him there easily with surprising strength, giving Ben a clear view of the man. The firelight framed Anakin's figure and gave him a dangerous look. His blue eyes were alight with rage and his lips were raised in a snarl.
"Because I know you better than anyone else in this galaxy, Ben!" Anakin shouted in his face. "You're living the same life that I did and you have the opportunity to right your wrongs. I'll be damned if I let you walk away from that."
"Who the fuck are you?" Ben fought against his tight grip.
"Who the fuck am I?" Anakin smirked. "I'm Anakin Skywalker."
The air around him shimmered and Ben gasped as he felt a surge of energy through the Force. It was as if a dam had broken; raw power was pouring out from the man. It hit Ben like a shock wave and he instinctively shrank from it. Somehow, Anakin had hidden his immense power, but it was in full view now and clearly marking him as someone not to be trifled with.
"That's… that's impossible," Ben protested, trying to overcome his awe at the sheer amount of power coming from the man. "I'm an only child."
This man couldn't be a Skywalker. His parents had split up after he'd turned to the dark side and Uncle Luke hadn't had a special someone.
"Still don't recognize me?" Anakin laughed and let Ben down. "I'm not surprised Luke and Leia never talked about me. I'm not exactly a family-friendly subject."
"Well then who the hell…" Ben stuttered to a stop.
Now that he thought about it, the vast energy radiating from Anakin felt very familiar. Anakin had also spoken as if he knew every aspect of his life. And what was that bit about Ben finally being able to see him? The realization of who Anakin was crashed into him.
"You're…" Ben swallowed hard, barely able to believe his eyes. "You're my grandfather. Darth Vader."
Anakin's visage darkened at the mention of his alternate name.
"Yes," Anakin confirmed. "But I don't answer to that name anymore."
"You're here," Ben blinked. Disbelief filled him as the shock faded away, turning quickly to anger. "Where the hell have you been these past ten years? I've called on you so many times! Where were you when I needed you the most?!"
"I was right there, next to you," Anakin answered easily.
"No, you weren't!" Ben argued. "I was alone, with only Snoke and the Knights of Ren to turn to. I could have used your guidance to resist the strong pull of the light."
"Who did you think it was pulling you toward the light?" Anakin cut in.
Ben gaped, his mouth opening and closing like a fish. He'd never considered that possibility before. But then again, why would Darth Vader encourage someone to embrace the light?
The scent of burning flesh filled the air, prompting both men to look towards the fire pit. The rabbits were aflame and rapidly turning black.
"Fuck!" Ben snarled and ran over.
He snatched the spits from the flames, but it was too late. The rabbits were charred and completely inedible. Would nothing go right today?
"Give it to me," Anakin gently tugged the spits from his grasp.
A warm wave of energy rippled from him and the black, hardened skin flaked off, leaving behind browned flesh. Ben blinked. He didn't know that was possible.
"Here," Anakin handed the spits back to Ben and nudged him towards the ground. "Sit and eat, before you keel over."
Ben plopped down and bit into a rabbit thigh. The meat was tender and juicy and perfect for his starving stomach. He tore into the meat fiercely as Anakin took a seat again.
"As you know, the empire fell approximately thirty-five years ago. Luke and Leia were the catalysts that brought about its downfall," Anakin smiled proudly. "Leia was instrumental in turning the rebellion from a ragtag group of misfits into an organized resistance."
"Yeah, she was really good at inspiring people," Ben agreed.
"She got that from her mother. Stars know how I managed to get anyone to listen to me," Anakin chuckled fondly. "Luke was the one who saw the sliver of good still left in me and led me back into the light. Without his influence, I dread to think of how the final battle above Endor would have played out."
"He must have changed since then," Ben muttered darkly as he tossed a finished spit and bones into the fire and bit into the next rabbit.
"You're referring to the night you think he tried to kill you," Anakin stated.
"I don't think, I know he tried to kill me," Ben argued. "I woke up to him standing over me with a lit lightsaber, staring at me as if I were every Sith lord he'd ever faced combined into one person."
"It wasn't your fault, Ben," Anakin consoled him. "You did nothing wrong."
"Obviously, I did," Ben said morosely, kicking a rock. "I don't know what it was, though. I did everything he ever asked of me and more. I ignored the dark whispers in my mind because I knew they were wrong. I was determined to be the best Jedi Knight. I wanted to make Luke and my parents proud."
"I know, Ben," Anakin stared at him sadly. "Truth be told, this is all my fault."
"How do you figure that?" Ben gave a short laugh. Anakin had been dead for thirty-plus years.
"I was a Jedi Knight in the time of the Republic, the old Republic. I should have seen Palpatine for the Sith lord he was and taken care of him before he could rise to power," Anakin stared unblinking into the flames. "If I hadn't fallen to the dark side, Luke and Leia would have grown up in a peaceful galaxy, untouched by the corrosive rule of the Galactic Empire. Luke would never have had to face me as Darth Vader. But he did, and he came to know the power of the dark side and the soul-sucking effect it has. Even the slightest acceptance of the dark has a lasting effect on a person; Luke had first-hand experience of this. You may have been able to resist the whispers and false promises from Snoke and Palpatine, but Luke felt those dark threads winding around you and he acted to preempt what he could see coming. He just had no idea his actions would thrust that future into reality instead of preventing it."
"How does that help me now?" Ben asked quietly, throwing the finished spit into the fire. Wood popped and cracked as the flames engulfed the remains of his meal.
"I suppose it doesn't help with your situation," Anakin shrugged. "But I hope now you can make peace with your uncle. I know you always put Luke on a pedestal and looked up to him as the epitome of what a hero is. Learning that he was just a mortal man with faults like any person was a swift kick to the face. Luke was a good man, but he wasn't perfect. It's time to accept that and move on."
"I'll… I'll try," Ben hung his head and sighed.
His hatred for his uncle had been the only thing grounding him for years. His anger over the events of that night had given him purpose and meaning for his actions. Without it, what was he supposed to do?
"I know it's scary, but you have to let go of your anger," Anakin told him.
"It's been a part of me for so long," Ben confided in him. "I don't know if I can."
"You have to, Ben. It's the only thing preventing you from committing to your new life," Anakin said. "I understand why you're resisting."
"I'm not!" Ben glared at him.
"Yes, you are. It's why you're here in the jungle with me instead of at the camp with Rey," Anakin waved his hand around at the jungle. "You've reached a crossroads and you're having trouble coming to terms with your choices. You're holding on to an identity that you're familiar with and attempting to make it fit who you are now, like trying to shove a square into a circular hole. But you've changed. You're not Kylo Ren anymore."
"I'm not Ben Solo either," Ben breathed deeply, trying to stem the rising panic threatening to constrict his chest. "I don't know who I am."
Anakin was right. He was struggling with his identity. He wasn't a carefree teenager who wanted to excel at everything and make his heroes proud. But neither was he the jaded, ruthless warrior who'd commanded legions of the First Order. He wasn't anything anymore. And that scared him.
"I'd rather be Kylo Ren than be no one at all," Ben admitted.
"You already have a new identity. You just have to accept it," Anakin said matter-of-factly. "But you haven't because you're scared of where it will lead you. Everyone is scared of the unknown, but it will be good for you. Trust in that and let the past die, Ben."
Ben gave a short laugh at the familiar phrase. It seemed like a lifetime ago that he'd uttered those words to Rey in a ransacked throne room aboard Snoke's dreadnought. Could he really let it all go and embrace the unknown?
Yes, yes he could. A knot came loose inside him and faded away, releasing its constricting hold on him. A new lightness spread through him and he was almost giddy from it. He thought about his uncle Luke, bracing for the onslaught of anger and anxiety, but it didn't come. He only felt reluctant acceptance and sadness. Perhaps he really was ready to move on.
Anakin smiled proudly at him, his blue eyes shimmering with wetness. An odd expression came over his face as if he couldn't believe Ben had chosen to move on.
"What would you have done if I couldn't decide to let my past die?" Ben asked curiously.
"Probably would have called in my backup," Anakin chuckled and wiped at his eyes.
"Backup?" Ben raised his eyebrows.
"We all agreed I should talk with you first," Anakin said. "My wife, Padmé, wanted to go next if I couldn't knock some sense into you."
"I'd still like to talk with her," Ben requested, interested in knowing his grandmother. His mother had often told him about the one fuzzy memory she had of her, which hadn't been much.
"Maybe one day, kid, when she's calmed down a bit," Anakin winked at him. "She's still worked up about how the Skywalker line keeps fucking up the galaxy's order."
"I guess that's a family tradition now," Ben gave a huffy laugh.
"With any luck, it's one you can break," Anakin said hopefully.
"So what do I do now?" Ben asked. There were so many possibilities available to him now that he'd chosen to break free of his past.
"Right now? You get some sleep and then in the morning, you go back to camp and tell Poe what you've decided to do with your life," Anakin advised. "I'll watch over you until then."
Ben's eyelids drooped as a sudden wave of fatigue came over him. It'd been a long, trying day.
"Will I be able to talk with you from now on?" Ben asked curiously.
"Yes, but I wouldn't expect another heart-to-heart so soon," Anakin nodded. "It takes a lot of energy to project myself into the physical plane, you know."
Ben was disheartened to hear that, but at least he'd finally gotten to chance to talk with his grandfather. Granted, it wasn't the conversation he'd thought it would be, but it had been the one he needed to set him on the right path.
"Thanks for not giving up on me," Ben said earnestly as he fought the urge to nod off. "I don't know where I'd be without you."
"Of course I won't abandon you. You're a Skywalker and I'll always be here for you," Anakin guided Ben to a mossy patch on the ground near the fire. "Sleep now and know that I'm watching over you."
As soon as his head hit the springy bed of moss, Ben drifted off, smiling as he felt lighter than he had in years.
-oOoOoOo-
Ben woke up in stages, gradually achieving consciousness. Tiny wisps of light filtered through the tree canopy and tendrils of smoke rose in lazy patterns from the remains of the fire pit. Ben sat up and stretched and looked around for traces of Anakin. His grandfather was nowhere to be seen and the only set of footprints in the clearing was his own. Did Force ghosts even leave footprints? Had it all been a dream?
Well, whether it had been real or not, Ben's resolve to stay and help the Resistance was real. He was finally ready to move on from his lives as Ben Solo and Kylo Ren and tackle whatever came his way. Ben stood up and looked around to get his bearings. Which way was the Resistance camp? He hadn't really been paying attention as he ran away. Damn, he really wished he could lose the suppressor cuffs. He hadn't realized how much he'd depended on the Force on a day-to-day basis.
A slight tugging echoed across his mind, marking a tree with gray bark and gnarled branches. Ben smirked and headed towards it. Once he exited the clearing, he shivered as a gust of cool air wafted over him. It had been rather warm in the clearing where he'd spent the night. His guardian angels must have exerted what power they had on the physical plane to keep him safe and warm. Wind rustled through the trees, shaking the leaves and sounding faintly like voices agreeing with that assessment. Ben smiled and ran forward, trusting they would guide him. Minutes passed and Ben stopped shivering as he gradually warmed up. The crash of the waterfall he'd jumped from sounded in the distance. He headed towards it, the ground becoming covered in a light layer of crunchy frost as he drew closer. The roar of the falls was almost deafening without the dense cover of trees to mask it. Ben gazed up the length of the falls, marveling that he'd jumped it; it'd certainly looked much smaller up there. He glanced around, searching for a path to get back up the falls. He was in no shape to be climbing the rocky drop-off. He'd already done that once this week.
Again, he was nudged forward, this time towards a small opening in the cliff. He walked through it and smiled as he saw a more manageable path back to the camp. He climbed up the slope interspersed with large boulders and came out to the side of the lip of the waterfall. The view was spectacular from here. He could see across the top of the canopy to the mountain ranges in the distance. Large birds soared over the land near the horizon, swooping down every now and then. Ben took in a deep breath of the clean, crisp air. Unlike the last time he'd passed through, he had a purpose now; he knew what he had to do.
Ben headed back towards the base, slowing down as he neared the perimeter. It was still very early in the morning, so no one was awake yet, save the sentry who Ben spotted in a scouting tower. He looked bored and was dozing off. It was almost too easy to sneak past him. Ben wandered through the shipyard as he made his way back to the tent he'd been kept prisoner in. He'd stay there until sunrise and then hope Poe wouldn't lose his shit when he made his reappearance.
Ben walked around a bulky F-class starship and stopped as he caught sight of a large gray-hulled ship. He swallowed hard as he gazed upon the familiar curves of the Millennium Falcon. He had the strongest urge to board it. It'd been so long since he'd walked its corridors and sat in the pilot's chair. Before he could think too much about the ramifications of boarding a starship while he was still at odds with the Resistance, he entered a sequence on the pad to lower the ramparts. The ramp whooshed down and he boarded the ship and closed it before anyone could notice.
White lights flickered on, illuminating the worn flooring and graying walls. Various storage containers and tools were spread haphazardly in a corner. Ben wandered through the silent corridors, just drinking everything in. The Falcon was still a piece of junk, but it's like he's come home. He ran his fingers lightly against the panels; he could swear he felt his father's spirit in the ship's walls. He smiled as his eyes naturally flicked to all the smuggling compartments as he walked past them. He remembered the games of hide-and-seek he and his father used to play aboard the Falcon. Han had always managed to find him, no matter how secret he thought his hiding place was.
He made his way into the cockpit and sat down in the pilot's chair. A reminiscent smile rose to his lips as he recalled all the hours he'd spent behind the controls during his childhood and teen years. Some of the best memories he had were of piloting this ship, from his dad and Chewie teaching him how to fly to sneaking off with Poe to test their piloting skills. He wished he could go back to those times, when things had been easier and he hadn't fucked everything up.
A floor panel creaked behind him and Ben shot out of the seat to confront the person who'd snuck up on him. He howled in pain as his head struck the panels above the pilot's seat. He'd grown quite a bit since the last time he'd been in here. He rubbed the sore spot as he looked to the cockpit entrance and froze as he saw the intruder was Chewie. The Wookiee stood motionless, merely gazing at him with emotionless yellow eyes. Ben braced himself for a fight or accusatory remarks about how he was trying to escape or that he was the reason Han was dead. He deserved no less.
Chewie walked forward and wrapped his arms around him. Ben resigned himself to death by constriction. But Chewie just hugged him tightly and let out a chain of grunts and growls. Ben's eyes teared up as the Wookiee expressed his relief that he was okay and that he'd been really worried that Ben would choose not to come back.
"I'm not going anywhere," Ben pressed his face into Chewie's warm fur to hide his tears. "Provided Poe will still let me stay and doesn't keep his promise to shoot me into space."
Chewie growled fiercely, promising to take Poe in hand if things got out of control. Ben chuckled, almost wishing Poe would make a scene so he could watch Chewie dangle him upside-down by his feet. Ben couldn't believe Chewie could so easily forgive him and welcome him back into the fold; surely, after the events of the past ten years, the Wookiee would have grown to hate him. It'd certainly felt like it when he'd shot him on Starkiller Base. But the trained marksman had aimed for his stomach instead of his head; Chewie could have easily killed him, but he hadn't. Maybe… maybe Chewie really did still care for him. But how could he, after Ben had murdered his best friend?
"Chewie, please forgive me-" Ben started, intending to apologize for everything he'd ever done wrong, starting with murdering his father.
Chewie barked sharply, cutting him off. There was no need to apologize. Han went to Starkiller Base to bring Ben back into the light. And now Ben has returned to the light. That's all there is to it.
"How can you forgive me so easily?" Ben asked in frustration. "I've barely begun to forgive myself."
Chewie wrapped a comforting arm around him and gently guided him out of the cockpit. They walked into the main hold and Chewie pushed him into a seat near the dejarik table. The Wookiee knelt down above a smuggling compartment and accessed the secret latch and pried the covering open. He dropped into the space and rummaged around, growling a little as things fell and scattered around him. A large metal chest was deposited outside the compartment with a heavy clunk and Chewie climbed back out and closed it. He grunted, explaining Han had left it for him. Ben knelt next to the hefty chest and examined the security lock as Chewie left the room.
It was an old-fashioned one that smugglers used during the days of the Galactic Empire to thwart imperial stormtroopers; the only way to open it was to pick it. The padlock was blaster-proof and there was a secondary hidden lock that needed to be picked. If he had access to the Force, he'd just direct his energy at the lock and it would spring open. He sighed and looked around for some tool he could use. He spotted a pair of lock picks taped under the dejarik table, probably placed there by his father. He pried them loose with a smile and sat cross-legged in front of the chest as he got to work on the first lock. Chewie came back into the room with a small box and sat down beside him, asking how long it'd been since he'd taken care of himself. Like his hair, for instance.
"My hair?" Ben tugged at his long locks. "What's wrong with my hair?"
Sure, it was a little longer than he normally kept it, but he hadn't had time for hair maintenance besides shearing it off with his lightsaber when it grew past his shoulders. He normally didn't notice it because it'd been bunched up in his helmet.
Chewie grumbled in exasperation about Ben not taking proper care of himself and produced a razor from the box. He gestured for Ben to keep on picking the lock while he cut his hair to a more manageable length.
"Okay, I guess," Ben shrugged, his heart warmed that Chewie still cared about his health and well-being.
Ben continued manipulating the lock as Chewie used the buzzing razor to snip away at his hair, sawing off several inches. He was taking off a lot, but Ben didn't mind. It was only hair and it would grow back; besides, it had been a long time since any parental figure in his life had actually given a damn about him.
Ben cursed under his breath as he accidentally moved a pin too far and the entire lock reset. Chewie grunted softly, encouraging him to try again. Ben started over, making his movements smaller and taking his time. He picked the first lock with no trouble and the device whirred, giving the impression that it was opening. But that was a false sign, designed to throw people off and think the device was faulty when they couldn't open it. Ben removed one pick and inserted it into the second lock's secret opening; this one was trickier than the first and had less room for error. After several tense minutes, Ben managed to maneuver the pins into the correct orientation to trigger the unlocking sequence. The internal mechanisms of the lock uncoiled and released its grip on the chest. Chewie huffed proudly and ruffled Ben's shorn hair as he put the hair-cutting tools back into the box.
Ben opened the chest's heavy lid and swallowed hard as he saw its contents. The chest was full of his father's things. There were silver and gold medals, faded pictures, and other memorabilia from a bygone era. Emotions filled Ben as he picked up a worn dice pair that he'd loved playing with as a child; he'd been especially attached to these because he could tell they'd meant a lot to his father. There was also a set of black clothes complete with a leather jacket as well as a dark brown hip harness and a pair of unused blasters. On top of it all was a holovid card addressed to him. The date and time were marked the day Starkiller Base had been destroyed.
Ben took it with shaking hands and walked to the dejarik table and inserted it into a dusty slot. He and Chewie sat down as a hologram popped up. The view was shaky and slanted and seemed to be pointed up at a blinking control panel.
"Damn it, Chewie. It's not going to do much good if he can't see my face," Han's voice came over the speakers, his tone laced with amusement.
Chewie's growls and barks crackled over the sound system, telling Han to give him a moment. He wasn't familiar with this type of holovid recorder.
The view shifted down, bringing Han Solo's face into view. Even though the holovid was colored in blue, Ben could see his father's compassionate brown eyes. Ben swallowed hard against the lump in his throat.
"Hey there, kid. I'm on my way to stop the First Order from using their Starkiller Base, or whatever pretentious name they're calling it. I know I'm going to run into you so I don't know why I'm recording a message to you right now," Han said with a shrug. His expression turned sad, yet determined. "I just can't shake this feeling that this is my last mission."
Ben clutched the dice pair in his hand, the edges carving lines into his skin. His father's intuition had been right; they really hadn't gotten a chance to speak more than a few sentences before Ben had thrust his lightsaber through him.
"Don't feel bad if it is," Han forged ahead, thrumming his fingers against the pilot's console. "If I cared about my own life over yours, I'd be flying towards the other side of the galaxy right now. I've tried to run from my past, to forget how badly I failed my wife and son, but I just can't run from myself. So I'm doing what I should have done ten years ago. I'm coming to find you and I'm going to turn you back towards the light, no matter what it takes."
Ben's breath hitched and he felt like breaking down. This was too much for him to handle.
"If I'm right and I don't make it, I've given Chewie instructions to give you this chest the next time he sees you. I want you to have it. By the time you see this message, I hope you're once again on the side of the light," Han's lips twitched up in a hopeful smile. "I have a feeling you will be. Give my love to your mother."
A racket was raised in the background of the holovid and Han looked over his shoulder as a voice called out to him. It sounded like that former stormtrooper, Finn.
"Sounds like he's finally ready," Han said in amusement, his eyes once again lively. "Time to go save you and the girl. By the way, I really like that Rey. I want her to be my daughter-in-law."
Ben gave a short, choked-off laugh. Even his obstinate father hadn't been able to resist Rey's sunny, upbeat personality.
"I better get going," Han leaned forward slightly and trained his gaze back on him. "Here's a bit of advice from your old man. Coming back to the light side is going to be tough. The Resistance isn't going to make it easy for you. Just remember, you're a Solo and a Skywalker. You can handle anything they throw at you," His lips turned up in a loving smirk. "I love you, Ben, now and always."
The holovid cut off and the card popped out of the slot. Ben broke down into tears, weighed down from the knowledge of the damage he'd wrought on his family. His father had sacrificed himself to save him, and his mother had soon followed in his footsteps. Why? Why did this have to happen? He cursed himself for not staying to face Luke that fateful night. Perhaps all of this could have been avoided.
Chewie consoled him, wrapping him in his huge, furry arms and just holding him as Ben let out all the emotions he'd kept bottled up over the past week. His shoulders shook and he couldn't hold back the wounded cries that left his mouth. Chewie held him tighter as if that would stop Ben from shattering into a million pieces.
Eventually, the weight of the world lifted slightly and Ben felt strong enough to lift his head up. Chewie barked softly, saying Han had known what he was doing and hadn't regretted it for an instant. He rested peacefully now with Leia.
Ben moved back and wiped his face. His eyes were burning as if he'd cried a whole ocean of tears. He probably had. Chewie rumbled compassionately and chucked him gently under the chin.
"Yeah, I'm okay," Ben gave him a weak grin.
"SQUEEEEE!"
Ben and Chewie jumped as the high-pitched squeal sounded. An orange and white droid rolled away as fast as it could and squalled at its peak pitch.
Chewie grumbled menacingly about annoying droids spying on people. If he got his hands on that one, it was going straight in the lake; it was worse than C-3PO.
"I don't think Poe would be too happy if you did that," Ben chuckled. "Besides, you'll never catch it. It's too fast and wily."
Chewie huffed and barked softly, telling Ben to get dressed in the new clothes while he confronts Poe and whoever else the droid would bring. He walked away, grabbing his crossbow as he left.
Ben put the holovid card back in the chest and held the clothes up, measuring them. He couldn't remember his father ever wearing these. In fact, judging by the size, his father had gotten these with him in mind. He donned the new pants and shirt quickly as he heard angry shouts. He marveled at how grimy and disgusting his old clothes were; and damn, that was a lot of holes.
Raised voices carried through the ship to him and he cast a worried glance towards it. It sounded like it was going to be bad. He eyed the brown weapons harness and blasters and decided being armed was better than walking into that confrontation defenseless. He strapped the stiff harness over his right leg and buckled it tight across his hips. He slid one of the blasters into the holster; he didn't plan on using it, but he wanted it available to him. He tucked the dice pair into his pocket so he wouldn't lose it. He tossed everything back into the chest except for his old clothes and closed the lid. He shoved it back into the smuggling space but hesitated in climbing out. He opened the chest again and brushed his fingers over the leather jacket, unable to resist.
He remembered when his father had gotten this jacket. His parents had taken him with them on a diplomatic mission and they'd passed through the market afterward. Han had been sidetracked by a certain stall featuring high-end leather garments that boasted its goods would last until the last star in this galaxy burned out. Han had gravitated towards this black jacket and insisted on buying it. Leia had been exasperated, saying it wasn't his style and not even his size! Han had shrugged and kissed her, saying he just had a feeling he needed to buy it. Ben had never seen him wear it for some reason. He pulled it on and it settled over his shoulders nicely. It was a perfect fit; he bet it was his style too.
The shouting escalated and Ben sighed. He supposed he should make an appearance before weapons were drawn. He shut the chest, twisted the lock back into place, and hopped out of the space. He re-latched the cover and snatched up his grimy clothes, if they even deserved to be called clothes anymore, and chucked them into the incinerator. Flames engulfed the ruined garments, burning away the last remnants tying him to his past life. He headed to the Falcon's ramparts, stopping just shy of the threshold so he could hear what the heated discussion was about. He could see Chewie's form guarding the ramp and Poe's bottom half.
"He's not a child, so stop treating him like one!" Poe was shouting at the top of his lungs.
Chewbacca grumbled back, saying they were all acting like children, Poe included. They all need to grow up before he lost his patience.
"What's going on, Poe? Chewie?"
Ben's heart clenched as he heard Rey's voice; she sounded tired and extremely worried. He had a lot of groveling to do to get back in her good graces.
"BB-8 saw movement coming from the Falcon and went to investigate," Poe informed her.
BB-8 piped up, agreeing with the statement. Chewie growled at it and the droid squeaked and rolled behind Poe's legs. It peeked out to check if the coast was clear and looked up, going still as it saw him. Ben glared at it, silently warning the droid to be quiet. BB-8 let out a whimper and hid again.
"He saw Ben and came to tell me," Poe continued. "And now Chewie won't let me aboard to arrest his sorry ass."
"Because Chewie knows you both will just get into another pissing match, trying to one-up each other," Rey said and Chewie huffed in agreement. "Is it true, Chewie? Is he back?"
The cautious hope in her voice tore at Ben's heart. He resolved to never let her down again.
"It's true. I'm back," Ben answered and walked down the ramparts.
His vision was obscured by Rey's form burrowing into him. She clutched at him tightly and she let out a sigh of relief.
"I'm so glad you're safe," Rey said into his chest. "Please don't ever do that again."
"I promise," Ben said, wrapping his arms securely around Rey, enjoying the feel of her.
"What the hell happened to you?" Poe asked without rancor.
Ben raised an eyebrow and Poe waved his hand, gesturing to his entire person.
"I found some stuff Han left for me," Ben said simply.
Rey backed out of his hug slightly and her mouth went ajar as she actually processed his appearance.
"You cut your hair?" She sounded aghast at that.
Chewie barked and grunted, saying it was necessary and an improvement.
"I don't know about improvement," Ben rebutted, running his hand through the short locks. "But I definitely needed a haircut. It'll grow back."
"Well, it does suit you," Rey patted his chest lightly, her cheeks going pink. "The new clothes look nice too. You said Han left them for you?"
"Yeah, thankfully my dad's fashion taste hasn't devolved over the past decade," Ben said.
"You found him!" A relieved voice rang out.
Rose and Finn jogged up to join them under the Falcon.
"We thought we'd never find you," Rose beamed up at him, clearly happy to see him for some reason.
"I decided it was worth coming back and giving this another shot," Ben admitted.
"That quickly?" Poe said with obvious misgivings.
"I may have talked with someone who persuaded me to come back," Ben said shortly, not willing to say who that person was. The Resistance might not take kindly to the tale of the second-most infamous villain in the cosmos giving his grandson some hard-hitting advice.
"I see…" Poe said, inferring the person was likely a Force ghost. "And?"
"And I've decided to stay and…" Ben shuffled in discomfort and forced the unfamiliar words out of his mouth. "Help the Resistance defeat the First Order."
"Just like that?" Poe said in disbelief. "It took you one night to go from 'I'll see you in hell' to 'I'll help you'?"
"Don't push it," Ben warned him, annoyance rising in him. "I'm really making an effort to be nice here."
"And we appreciate your willingness to help us," Rose stepped in before Poe could respond. "Right?" She nudged Poe in the ribs.
"We are going to need all the help we can get to defeat the First Order," Finn said hesitantly, glancing between Poe and Ben.
Poe gnashed his teeth, biting back something. His gaze flitted between Finn, Rose, and Rey as they all gave him pointed glances. They must have had a talk after he'd run into the jungle. Poe sighed and stepped forward.
"Truce?" Poe proposed, extending a hand to Ben.
"Does this mean you're not going to shoot me into space or lock me up?" Ben asked. "Because I can guarantee that will make me lash out."
"I guess not," Poe pursed his lips. "But you'll have three guards on you at all times from now on."
"One," Ben countered. He didn't want three guards breathing down his neck. It would drive him nuts.
"Fine," Poe breathed out harshly. "Either Captain Ivin, Hils, or Tam will be with you every moment of every day to make sure you don't make any trouble and complete your tasks on time. And if you try another stunt like yesterday, I'll make you regret it."
"Fair enough," Ben said drily. He reached out and took Poe's offered hand. "Yes, I agree to a truce."
"Then welcome to the Resistance, Ben Solo," Poe said.
Ben blinked at the sound of his name. It didn't sound right. It wasn't his anymore. In fact… another suited him very well now. Both Anakin and his father had indirectly pointed out the solution to his identity dilemma.
"Skywalker. Call me Ben Skywalker."
It was the perfect name to adopt for his new life. Now all he had to do was not mess it up.
A/N: What do you think about Anakin's and Han's advice? Will Ben settle down in his new role? Will the Resistance fighters give him a hard time?