This is the real deal for chapter 15 and it's LONG- by far the longest chapter yet at almost 10,000 words. (If you have no idea what I'm talking about for the real deal part, I posted a joke chapter on April Fools Day where they all died. If you read that, the first part of this chapter is going to look familiar- but not the killing them off part! They're still alive :)
Wow. I didn't expect chapter 14 to get 14 reviews (kind of ironic, huh?). According to FF stats, is the most reviews for any chapter of this story! Also, I passed 100 favs! You all are awesome! This story also now has the most views of any of my stories! It just recently passed FTSQL, which previously had the most views at 15,500. But this has gotten over 16,000 and it's only been a bit over 3 months since I started! Thanks to every one of you for your support :)
Tony secretly finds the expression on Loki's face amusing. Loki's giving him a cross between a glare and a pout as he places Simba on the briefcase that removes the toy's Iron Man suit. Loki watches as the suit's taken off and then grabs Simba by a leg, pulling him off the briefcase. He whispers something to the toy, but Tony doesn't hear it.
The two of them head towards the elevator in the lab. Loki's steps are rather loud because of the Asgardian boots he's wearing inexplicably (but, it seems, purposely) on the wrong feet. Tony had forgotten to buy him shoes or a coat during their clothes shopping spree on Loki's first morning here. Maybe he should do that later today. Those boots look really out of place with Loki's sweatpants.
Tony had spent around five minutes trying to find a coat in his closet to loan the god, before it dawned on him that Loki, probably doesn't even need one since he's a Jotun. He ends up finding one anyways just in case, though it's rather short on the god. Loki claims it's too hot, which supports Tony's theory of him not needing a coat.
Loki keeps rubbing the tracking device disguised as a wristwatch, clearly still not used to the feeling of wearing it. Tony's also clipped a Stark Phone to the waistband of Loki's pants, with a flexible and retractable cord enabling him to hold it normally but ensuring he can't end up without it like last time. Loki's hand occasionally darts down to fiddle with the cord, but he doesn't pull the phone out of his pocket.
However, Tony doesn't think that Loki's annoyance is actually about removing Simba's Iron Man suit. It had started after Tony suggested that maybe leaving Simba in the tower while they go to the therapy session would be a good idea. Loki had steadfastly refused to even consider leaving Simba behind. Tony had eventually given up on that, though he doesn't know why Loki needs to have Simba with him all the time. He's asked, of course, but Loki hasn't given any helpful answers.
Tony sighs. "You're like Calvin with Hobbes, you know that?" It's clear Loki has no idea what he's talking about. Perhaps he should get Jarvis to add to Loki's knowledge of comic strips, which right now just consists of Peanuts. Maybe he should've made the analogy about Linus and his blanket so Loki would've understood it, Tony thinks, but realizes that Calvin & Hobbes is actually a better analogy. Loki does treat Simba like a friend.
However, Tony had insisted that Simba would go without the Iron Man suit, just so he won't have to worry about the (admittedly small) possibility that it would be stolen. Although that suit is built for a toy, it's going to have the same security as the other suits. After all, it does have a mini arc reactor and the briefcase that snaps it together.
Besides, Simba's Iron Man suit would have attracted a lot of stares, although to be honest Loki might get them some attention anyways. Tony's used to attracting stares and he ordinarily enjoys the attention, but he wants to remain fairly inconspicuous when taking Loki to therapy.
He doesn't want the media finding out about Loki in general, or they'll be hounding all over him simply because he lives with Tony. Thus Tony's trying to remain inconspicuous, so he's wearing sunglasses, a baggy sweatshirt and jeans, like he had when taking Loki clothes shopping. He's found that disguise works surprisingly well, and he's even added a baseball hat to it.
Ok, Tony's kind of hypocritical, since he's carrying an Iron Man suit-briefcase- though this one's black instead of the usual flashy red and gold, so it could almostpass as a normal briefcase. He'd been on the fence about taking one, but in the end decided to take it just in case some megalomaniac decides to take over the world when he was out. The odds of that are very small, but it doesn't hurt to be prepared.
Some of that anonymity is going to be lost by their mode of transportation, Tony thinks as they walk down the long row of cars in his basement towards the man waiting for them by one of the cars. Loki keeps stopping to stare curiously at the other cars and Tony has to pull him along.
Tony could just drive to Loki's therapy session himself, but having a chauffeur is so convenient. It's not Happy Hogan anymore (even if Happy hadn't been promoted to the head of security, he's currently in California). Tony's current chauffeur is a man of average height and build named Daniel or David or something- Tony's pretty sure it's Daniel. The man's never actually told him, and Happy was actually the one who appointed him so Tony hasn't even seen his file. From what Tony could tell from the two times this guy's driven him anywhere, he must be aspiring to be part mime. He gives only the shortest, clipped, professional answers, and he chooses not to say anything at least half of the times Tony addresses him.
Sure enough, in response to Tony's witty greeting, he just holds the back door open for them without a word. Loki stops, unsure, and looks at Tony questioningly. "Is that thing going to eat us?"
Tony doesn't bother hiding the smirk that creeps up at that. "No, it's a car. It's not alive, so it can't eat us. I know this isn't like those magic carpets or whatever it is you all ride in viking land, but this is how things roll here." Loki giggles and says that he's only seen a magic carpet in Aladdin, but that he wishes they were real.
Still, Tony's perplexed by Loki's reaction to this. Hadn't Loki seen cars when they were going clothes shopping? He's acting like it's totally new. As if reading his thoughts, Loki says "Those things kept almost hitting me when I was looking for you." If Tony had been drinking something at the moment, he probably would have spit it out at the rather nonchalant way Loki had just said he'd been nearly run over multiple times.
"You can't just cross the street in any random place, unless you want to end up as a pancake." Tony goes on to explain about crosswalks and pedestrian signals. But he's honestly not sure if Loki's taking it in.
The driver actually interrupts to tell them to put on their seat belts, and Tony rolls his eyes, muttering "Yes, mom." Seriously, why had Happy chosen this guy? He's way too concerned with pesky things like safety and the law. Loki looks completely lost. Tony demonstrates with his own seat-belt and after staring at him for a bit, Loki buckles his own behind him and tries to wriggle under it. He soon realizes this is almost impossible and, after getting Tony to show him how to release the buckle, fastens it over his body, though at first he has it tucked under his armpit instead of over his shoulder.
The car engine starts and Loki's eyes shoot wider than normal, and he looks over at Tony with a shocked expression on his face. When the car starts to move forwards, Loki lets out the sort of whoop most people reserve for roller coasters. Tony has to wonder if Loki's ever been in a moving vehicle before. He has to have been, right? They've got to have carriages or something in Asgard.
As they pull out of the tower's garage, there's a small crowd of paparazzi waiting for them, which isn't uncommon. Thankfully, it's always too crowded for them to hang out by the front entrance- meaning Tony can usually take a stroll in peace- but they always hang out by the garage. The car's windows are fortunately tinted so the paparazzi can't see inside the car, but they start clicking away anyways (admittedly, it is a nice car).
The paparazzi hadn't bothered them during their clothes shopping spree for Loki, but there have been some pictures of Loki and Iron Man, presumably taken from pedestrians' phones, that have been... mysteriously removed from the internet almost as soon as they're posted. The photos had been rather unflattering to Loki, since he'd been having a panic attack while they were taken, and Jarvis hadn't even asked for Tony's permission before removing them.
Loki seems to hate the flashing cameras. He screws his eyes shut and starts rocking back and forth, muttering about Thor and lightning with no thunder. Tony's not sure if this is the beginning of an anxiety attack, but he rests a hand on Loki's shoulder. Once they're away from the cameras, Tony tries to distract the god by pointing out some of the things they're passing.
It actually works, to Tony's surprise. Soon, Loki practically has his face pressed to the window and he bounces in his seat and enthusiastically offers random comments like "Orion is a constellation of a man holding a bow." He also points at ordinary things like bikes and fire hydrants and asks what they are (okay, maybe they're not ordinary in Asgard). Tony's trying to do some work on his Stark Phone and isn't thrilled with being interrupted. He answers while only half paying attention, though he starts to wonder why Loki hadn't done this during their clothes shopping trip. Maybe it was because everything was so new? If this keeps up, he thinks, it's going to be a long ride.
It keeps up. Tony's hopes of the car lulling Loki into settling down unfortunately don't come true. Perhaps, Tony thinks, it's because, with the stop-and-go traffic in New York, they're not moving constantly. However, he knows that's wishful thinking, too. Loki could be the god of kinetic energy or something, since he almost never stays still. He clearly doesn't like being cooped up in the car where he can't move around. Loki's shifting around, managing to bounce in his seat and rock back and forth at the same time. His hand's making little scuttling motions across his leg. He pulls off his boots for some unknown reason and tries to flop down across the backseat, almost smacking Tony in the face with an arm. He also hums constantly, but seems to switch between snippets of songs so it becomes sort of annoying.
Five minutes into the forty-five-minute drive, Tony can't help moaning like a child "Are we there yet?"
Loki's really glad to get out of that moving thing Tony had called a car. It had been sort of fun at first, but after being cooped up in there not being able to stand up, it's nice to stretch his legs again.
They walk into a building that's full of hallways with tons of doors, and sections branching off that have a ton of chairs in them. There are some nice pictures on the walls, but Loki's still sort of nervous, and he makes sure to stick close to Tony, only stopping to pull off his boots. He wishes he could be barefoot forever, he thinks as he wiggles his now-free toes happily. But Tony had insisted on him wearing boots. Tony arches an eyebrow at him and tells him to put them back on. Loki pouts, but does as Tony asks, slipping them on the opposite feet.
They enter one of the areas branching off from a hallway. Tony says something to the man behind the desk, but Loki's not listening. He looks around anxiously, bouncing on his toes. There's a sort of old lady sitting in a corner, and she's looking at him. Loki can't tell whether she hates him or not, but if he had to guess, he'd say she probably does. She's also holding something up to her ear and talking in it, which is kind of silly. The way she's talking sounds really different from how Tony and Jarvis talk. It sounds like gibberish on the outside, but in his head he's hearing what she's saying. That's probably because of All-Tongue. But there are some words that still sound like gibberish in his head, even though they sound different from what the woman actually said.
Tony finishes talking to the guy behind the desk and sits down in one of the chairs next to a small table. Loki plops down on the floor in front of the table and examines the things on it. They're like thin books, only their pages are glossy and the covers are just as flimsy as the pages. Tony has some of these things- Jarvis had called them magazines- in his library.
Loki hunts through the stack and stops suddenly. Tony's face is staring up at him. He glances from Tony to the cover. It's definitely Tony. Grinning slightly, he opens the cover, puts it in front of his face like a mask, and taps Tony's leg.
"What? Oh. Now where have I seen that irresistible face before?" Tony pauses for a bit and snaps his fingers. "The mirror! That's where." Loki giggles at that and Tony continues. "But who decided to clone me, I wonder?"
Loki lowers the magazine and grins at Tony. Tony looks at the magazine and smirks "Wow. You have good taste in magazines." Loki doesn't know what to say to that. He glances back down at the cover with Tony's face on it. There's text on it, too. Like everything else here, it's written in weird symbols, but he can understand most of it. All-Tongue is rather nice, he thinks with a smile.
Tony Stark: Still America's Most Desirable Bachelor. Loki has no clue what Bachelor means. But America rings a bell. Where has he heard it before? Oh, yeah. Tony had talked about America after the other Avengers' visit. Apparently, that's where they are now, and it's part of Midgard.
He starts flipping through the pages, looking for more stuff about Tony. However, he hasn't even flipped through the whole thing when a door opens and two people walk out. One is a young guy who immediately goes over to the lady who's sitting down. Apparently the lady is his mother. The two of them get up and leave, still talking.
The other person is a woman with light-brown hair falling to just below chin level. She also gives off a strong scent, which happens to be what Loki's thinking of when he blurts out the first thing on his mind, and his mouth just runs away. "You smell like apples. Sort of. It's not quite there, but it's mostly apples." Actually, it's like something else pretending to smell like apples. "I think real apples smell better, though. I like apples. Sometimes I'd take an apple to feed the horses, but nobody cared, and I'd eat part of it and give part to the horses. They weren't Idunn's Apples, though, 'cause then they would've cared."
She stops in front of them and asks "Are you Lucas Smith?"
"Huh? Oh, yeah, that's us." Tony confirms, and Loki frowns. Who in the Nine Realms is Lucas Smith?!
Wait... Are they referring to him?
"I'm a Loki, not a Lucas." Loki scrunches his face. He doesn't want to be a Lucas, he wants to be a Loki. He actually likes his name- well, his first name, anyways, because it means him. Loki hates the name Laufeyson, though,because it makes it obvious he's from Jotunheim. Tony had asked what his last name was yesterday, but Loki had refused to say.
"Loki, then." The woman says, and Loki claps his hands happily. He won't have to become a Lucas! "I'm Dr. Carlisle. Do you mind following me back to my office?"
Loki shrugs and gets up. That doesn't seem too bad. He follows her for a couple steps, but Tony stops him and takes the magazine, saying they need to leave it here because it's not theirs'. Loki pouts but relinquishes it, and then he frowns when he sees that Tony's once again sitting down. Tony makes a shoo gesture with his hand and says. "Go on. Go back and talk to her. That's sort of why we came here."
"Aren't you coming?" Loki starts fidgeting anxiously.
Loki's already sort of forgotten the lady's name. It's Dr. Car-something. Is that related to the car thing they'd used to get here? Also, hadn't Bruce said he was Dr. Bruce Banner? What's this Doctor thing? Loki shakes his head as he realizes Dr. Car-something is talking. "Normally we don't bring other people back, but..."
Suddenly, everything makes horrible sense and Loki lets out a scream which blocks out whatever the end of that sentence is. Now he knows why Tony hasn't bothered to beat him, why he hasn't seemed to hate him these past few weeks, and probably the reason they're even here in the first place.
Tony's just going to ditch him here! It's obvious, since he's supposed to go with this lady while Tony stays out here. It will be almost laughably easy for Tony to slip away forever. Who knows what this lady's going to do to him?
Loki falls to the floor in front of the chair Tony's sitting in and grabs onto Tony's shirt desperately. He even lets go of Simba to better cling to Tony, and the lion ends up in Tony's lap. If he holds on to Tony, Loki thinks, Tony won't be able to leave him here. Loki knew Tony wouldn't want to put up with him forever, but he doesn't want to leave Tony. Or, more accurately, he doesn't want Tony to leave him here. Kneeling on the floor, he's just the right height to bury his face against Tony's chest, near the glowing circle. His head fills with the thrumming sensation of it.
"Whoa there, Snoopy. What's up with you today? You're sort of invading my personal bubble." Tony says, but Loki's too frantic to respond. His hands grasp Tony's shirt even tighter.
Tony's going to leave him here and then he won't have a home and maybe he'll have to live on the streets. Plus he won't see Dum-E or Jarvis ever again. Well, he never actually sees Jarvis, but he won't see Bruce or Hulk or Pepper again. Although he hasn't seen Pepper since that first day, so maybe she really did hate him and now Tony's following suit? It's not like he can blame Tony, since the man now knows that he's a monster and a freak. Tony had said he wouldn't hate him for those things, but that was pretty unbelievable then and it's entirely unbelievable now.
"Please! Don't leave me here." Loki can hear the begging tone in his own voice, but he doesn't care. Tony's hands are now firmly gripping his forearms.
Tony apparently simultaneously scoots his chair back and pushes Loki away slightly so they're over half an arm length apart, before crouching down so they're around the same eye level. Loki's surprised Tony hadn't completely pushed him away, but he can't make himself look into Tony's face. He doesn't want to see the disgusted look Tony's undoubtedly sporting right now.
"Whoa, hang on. Who said anything about leaving you here? Did you think I was just going to dump you and run like some lame criminal handing off drugs in a B-rated cop flick?" Loki has no idea what that last part meant, but it's not like it matters right now. Hesitantly, he glances up at Tony's face and frowns, confused. There's nothing disgusted in Tony's eyes, at least not that Loki can see.
"Hey." Tony says in a softer tone. "I'm not going to leave you here. Remember what I said after you got lost? I won't just ditch you somewhere forever." Tony relaxes his grip a little, and Loki takes the opportunity to lean close enough to wrap his arms around Tony again and grab the back of his shirt. He doesn't want to take any chances with that statement. That would be what Tony would say even if he was really going to leave, probably.
Loki buries his head in Tony's chest again. He starts to hum his special song, the one he'd sung for Tony when the man had been having a nightmare. He feels Tony shift slightly and hears him sigh. "I think we're sort of a package deal." Tony says, probably to the lady.
Then the lady asks if he wants Tony to come back with him or stay here. "With me." Loki mumbles. Isn't that sort of obvious? He doesn't actually look at her, since his head is still buried against Tony's shirt.
Loki's eyes suddenly shoot wide. Wait a minute... this is the lady Tony and Jarvis had told him about going to talk to, right?
Tony shifts again and stands up, and Loki stands too, not releasing his hold on Tony. Even though he knows who this person is now, he still wants Tony to stay with him. "You're making this really awkward, Snoopy." Tony says, sounding somewhat annoyed. "Do you know how hard it is to move with someone hanging onto you?"
Worriedly, Loki lets go, somewhat. He instead clings to one of Tony's sleeves after grabbing Simba from Tony. He certainly doesn't want to make Tony annoyed, since that would increase the likelihood of Tony leaving him here, but he doesn't want to let Tony have a chance to escape, either. Tony picks up his briefcase (another weird Midgardian word, Loki thinks) and they start to follow Dr. Car-something.
Thanks to twenty-twenty hindsight, Tony's not surprised that Loki had been against going back there alone. At first, they'd been planning on having him do that, since normally it's just the therapist and the patient. However, Dr. Carlisle- Gwyneth, Tony remembers- says now, while looking at Loki, that this is going to have to be an exception. They're already breaking the rules by doing this in the first place, since Loki's not a legal citizen in the country- or anywhere else on the planet- so not following the standard procedure isn't the end of the world. Although it's not like patients aren't allowed to bring other people back, they just normally don't.
However, Tony is surprised at how frantically Loki had reacted to the suggestion of going back alone. There'd been a flash of green around his hands and an explosive gust of wind that had blown the magazines almost all the way across the room, though Loki hadn't seemed to notice. However, there had been the weird sensation energy emanating from the god's body when he'd gotten really close. Tony's felt that sensation coming from Loki before and it's clearly part of Loki's powers.
It's also surprising how desperately Loki clung- actually, is still clinging- to him. He hadn't really been grovelling at Tony's feet or anything, but somehow the way Loki had been kneeling on the floor in front of him reminded Tony slightly of that. Apparently he'd thought Tony was going to ditch him here. Tony had been hoping the whole abandonment issue had been resolved after their talk following Loki being lost in the city, but apparently not. Loki had been so terrified that his body had been shaking.
Well, they've certainly made a first impression, though Tony's doesn't think it's the one they wanted to make. Still, from the panicked way Loki had reacted to being the idea of going back alone, it should be fairly obvious why they're here. Tony's not sure whether Gwyneth had noticed the green energy around Loki's hands or not. Tony has a hunch that if she brings it up, any chance they might have had at this will be shot. He mouths "Don't mention this now." Gwyneth looks at him for a bit but eventually nods.
Loki's hugging Simba to his chest with his arms, leaving his hands free to hold Tony's right sleeve in a death grip as they walk. Tony supposes he should consider himself lucky- at least Loki hasn't jumped onto his back or anything.
Gwyneth leads them into a rather dimly lit room with a sofa in the center and some chairs around the edges. A desk sits against the wall with the door, across the window with closed shades, and a bookshelf sits against a perpendicular wall. A couple pictures hang on the walls, and Loki stops, staring transfixed at the forest one and now gripping Tony's arm instead of his sleeve. Loki kicks off his boots almost immediately, and Tony sighs.
"Huh. A couch. Figures. I guess we're going to be doing the whole Freudian 'laying on a couch, blaming everything on our parents and revealing that we secretly wanted to sleep with our mothers' thing." Tony quips. This earns him a very unamused stare from Gwyneth, who sternly tells him that she can send him out again. Tony huffs in annoyance, though that's sort of a hollow threat, he thinks. He's pretty sure they both know that would sort of end the session, since Loki would probably shut down if Tony left.
Still, Gwyneth gives him a look telling him to remain silent, and he mimes zipping his lips, a tad snarkily. Considering the lewd comments he would have undoubtedly made upon seeing her a couple years ago and might have even ended up making today had Loki not freaked out, that hadn't seemed too bad. And really, Loki could blame everything on his horrible upbringing.
Tony leads Loki over to the couch and tries to extract himself to go sit in one of the chairs, but Loki's grip tightens on his arm. Tony really hopes it's not bruising. He mutters this aloud and, surprisingly, Loki's grip loosens somewhat, though he still can't pull free. He glances at Gwyneth but sits down next to Loki since he doesn't really have a choice. Loki curls up next to Tony, hugging Simba using his arms, with Tony's sleeve bunched in his hands.
Gwyneth asks if Loki minds her recording the session, and Loki gets a somewhat baffled look on his face. Tony automatically launches into a technical explanation which only increases Loki's befuddlement. Gwyneth interrupts and says "It will let me listen to what we say later." She'd evidently recorded herself saying that, because she plays it back. Loki claps his hands delightedly.
"You did that, right?" He asks, turning to Tony. "Only when you did it, we could see it and we saw me meeting the Hulk." Tony nods, somewhat surprised he'd even remembered that to make the connection. Gwyneth asks again if he minds being recorded, and Loki says he doesn't, so she starts recording again, rattling off the date for future reference.
"Hello, Loki. I'm Dr. Carlisle." Gwyneth introduces herself a second time. She doesn't look particularly surprised when Loki bows his head to her in greeting, or maybe she's just good at hiding it. Loki doesn't say anything, which is an odd contrast to him babbling on about apples when he first saw her.
Loki is clearly done with sitting already when gets up and pulls expectantly on Tony's arm. Tony sighs and stands, letting Loki lead him over to the bookcase where the god dares to let go of him with one hand to inspect the trinkets on the shelves, fingering them and moving them around. Although he quickly shifts his left hand so he's grabbing Tony's arm instead of his sleeve. Tony sighs. Clearly, he's going to be pulled around the room for a while, he thinks as Loki tugs him towards the window to peek behind the window shade, letting some sunlight in.
"So, Loki, why are you here?" Gwyneth asks, apparently needing to start from the basics even though Tony's pretty sure Jarvis told her.
Loki pauses to shoot her a 'really?' look and replies guilelessly "I dunno. Because you led us back here?" Tony snorts, but Loki ignores him, turning back to the window before continuing. "But you know why we're here, right? 'Cause you're the one that led us here. So maybe you could ask yourself?" He looks over at Gwyneth, who's smiling slightly.
She rephrases the question. "I meant why are you coming to talk to me?" Loki cocks his head to the side, thinking, and stops fiddling with the window shade.
"Jarvis said you might help me. He's really smart! Right Jarvis?" Loki looks expectantly at the wall, but frowns when there's no response.
"Jarvis isn't here, Snoopy." Tony explains, although technically Jarvis is on their phones. But Tony and Jarvis had decided that the AI should remain silent unless he was really needed, since sometimes Jarvis freaks people out and he's not exactly supposed to be a part of this. Admittedly, Tony isn't either, yet here he is.
However, Tony hears his own phone ding. He pulls it out and sees a text from Jarvis, who's clearly been listening in on- and probably recording- everything anyways. "You know that I am here, sir, and Mr. Loki is correct. I do believe Dr. Carlisle could help him. May I add that it was truly brilliant the way you decided to insult her profession with your little comment about the couch?" Tony rolls his eyes, though he'd sort of planned for the AI to take advantage of that loophole.
"Who's Jarvis?" Gwyneth asks. Loki replies that Jarvis is his friend. Tony suddenly wonders if she thinks Loki hallucinates Jarvis or something, so he gives a quick confirmation of Jarvis' existence so she won't think Loki's off his rocker. Then again, she might think that anyways. Especially when Loki starts to do his weird thing where he giggles at some private thought, his face now inches almost touching the picture of the forest on the wall.
"What did you come to talk to me about?" They wait for a response. Loki doesn't give any indication he's even heard her until the third time she asks him this. Then, Loki scrunches up his face, confused. He's clearly wondering how to answer the question.
After a bit, he grins and says "Life! My life, 'cause that's the one I'm living. And that's what Tony said." Loki nods to himself. He still isn't staying still for a second, and Tony's starting to wonder if Loki's related to the Energizer Bunny.
"Tell me about your life," Gwyneth prompts when Loki doesn't go on. Tony doesn't know what to think of the fact they've veered in the biographical direction. Shouldn't they be talking about his nightmares and how he thinks people should hate him and stuff? He opens his mouth to speak, and Gwyneth shoots him another 'shut up' look. Loki sits on the armrest of the sofa for literally one second before he's on the move again.
"I live with Tony, and I really, really like it. I wanna live with him forever! Did you know he was on the cover of a... magazine in that room we were just in? He was!" Loki nods and continues rambling "And did you know he's got a glowing circle in his chest, and it hums and thrums and keeps him safe 'cause it keeps the metal bugs from eating his heart? I love it! I wish I had a safe glowy circle in my chest, but I don't need one 'cause I don't have bugs in my heart. Simba has one in his suit, though, and he doesn't have bugs. But he ate bugs with Timon and Pumbaa! He has a Man of Iron suit, just like Tony! I made it and Jarvis helped."
Loki finally stops rambling, which is good because Tony's starting to get a headache just listening. Gwyneth repeats the question, probably hoping to get Loki back on track. Tony's glad, since he doesn't really like the way his arc reactor had been brought up, and he'd glanced down to make sure the glow wasn't showing through his shirt.
He'd eventually given in and told Loki the reason for the arc reactor. Loki had asked a ton of questions about arc reactors since they'd put the one in Simba's suit, though he'd somehow known the first day that Tony's arc reactor is keeping him alive. He's not sure where Loki got the bug version from, but it's by far the most interesting way of explaining it that Tony's heard. Though he has no idea why Loki would actually want an arc reactor.
Loki starts talking again, but at least he's back on subject. "Tony's really nice and so are Jarvis and Dum-E and Pepper? ...and Bruce and Hulk-y! And Simba's my friend too." Loki gives a little bounce with each name. Tony's not sure why Pepper's name had been said in a questioning tone.
"That's good." Gwyneth replies, though her tone isn't patronizing at all. "I was sort of wondering about your life before living with Tony. You know, your family and that sort of stuff." Tony has to give her credit- she's really patient. He's feeling pretty exasperated at this point, and he's not sure if he'd still be this patient if he was having this conversation alone with Loki. Loki halts abruptly and looks at Gwyneth worriedly.
"Don't have one." Loki says matter-of-factly, though there's an air of sadness around him.
"Where did you live?" Gwyneth asks, which Tony thinks is a stupid question. He's pretty sure that he or Jarvis had answered those at some point. Though maybe she wants to hear it from Loki.
"The palace." is all Loki offers. Gwyneth then asks who he lived with, although if she knows anything about Thor she should know he's one of palace residents, since he's the prince. Loki mumbles "All-father Odin and Frigga. And Thor."
"Were they not your family?"
Uncharacteristically, Loki gives a bitter snort. "No! Families... families, they..." He cocks his head to the side, clearly searching for the right words. After about a minute, he nods to himself and speaks in one big rush.
"Families tell you that you're good and they want you and love you, and that they won't let anyone hurt you, 'cause they love you and don't wanna see you hurt." There are a lot of bad families, Tony thinks, that don't do that. Including his own (mainly his father, Howard), but his family's been dead for twenty years. Loki takes a breath and plows on. "And they don't hit you or hate you or call you names, nope nope nope!" As usual, he shakes his head with each nope, which he always seems to say three times for some reason.
"They didn't like me." Loki continues quietly, but his voice quickly grows louder. "None of them. Thor didn't like me and I don't like him. He's an Avenger, like Tony, Hulk-y and Bruce... and Clint, Natasha and Steve." Tony can't help noticing that Loki even lists them in the order they seem to rank to him.
Loki's eyes are wide and darting around nervously, but he keeps talking even faster, bouncing almost maniacally and flapping his right hand, the one not holding onto Tony. "Thor's an Avenger, but he's not nice like Tony or Hulk-y or Bruce. He hates me! And so do Fandral, Volstagg and Hogunn. They're the Warriors Three and they hit and hate too. Sif doesn't hit me much but she still hates. They don't live there, but they're there a lot. Odin hits and whips and SEWS and he's really, really scary! And he only has one eye and it's even scarier."
Gwyneth looks shocked at what he said. Loki is currently fidgeting and rocking anxiously, humming to himself and seeming close to losing it. Tony puts a hand on Loki's shoulder. Gwyneth waits for him to calm down, which takes at least five minutes, and cautiously asks about Frigga. Loki shrugs. "She never hits me. But she doesn't like me." Tony finds it odd Loki always uses the word hit to describe what people had done when it seems they'd gone a lot further than hitting.
"So it's pretty clear you didn't like it there." Tony thinks that's a rather stupid thing for Gwyenth to say, since it really goes without saying.
"I didn't like it there!" Loki confirms frantically, and Tony's amazed he's still talking. "I don't like Asgard! Nope nope nope! Full of hurting and hating and hurting and hating and hurting..." He plonks down on the ground, pulling Tony down with him, and lies back, repeating that on loop for almost half a minute. Rather annoyed at suddenly winding up on the floor, Tony wonders why Loki's suddenly aspiring to be an anchor. Despite the fact he's lying on the ground muttering, Loki still has a good grip on his arm. Loki eventually stops repeating that, but remains sprawled on the floor.
"They hated me." He says, as if that needed clarification. Compared to what he'd just been like, he seems astonishingly nonchalant about it.
"Why did they hate you?" Gwyneth sits back, staring at him. Loki sits upright, his body tensing immediately, and he lets out a weird screech as he shakes his head furiously and ends up hitting Tony in the face with his long hair. Tony backs up as much as he can, considering Loki's still gripping his arm, to try to avoid the unpleasant sensation.
Really, this had progressed the same way it had with him, Tony realizes. Loki had pretty readily admitted that people in Asgard had hated him and hit him, even on the day he'd landed on Tony's tower, but he's still not comfortable talking about the reasons.
"We won't talk about it now if you don't feel ready." Gwyneth says, leaving Tony to wonder why on earth they're going to this session. Although, once he thinks about it, he supposes if Loki doesn't feel comfortable around Gwyneth, they're not really going to get anywhere.
"Did you like anything in your life before meeting Tony?" Gwyneth asks softly.
Loki cocks his head to the side, a thoughtful expression on his face. The fact he actually has to think about it probably says a great deal. Tony could immediately say that he at least liked the projects he got to do in his father's lab growing up. Eventually, Loki says "I liked the horses... and the Bi-frost. And the library, until they found me."
Gwyneth asks if he had a horse that he rode, and Tony remembers Loki saying he didn't. Only now Loki changes his answer, blurting it out almost immediately.
"I had a horse, but I couldn't ride him. He was like Simba." Tony has no idea what that means. A lion-horse? A toy horse? "Only, he was like air."
Air? Tony puzzles over it for a bit before he gets it. Oh... Loki's probably either talking about an imaginary friend or maybe a hallucination. Or, maybe something similar to those other-Loki's he makes? For now, Tony's guessing the horse was an imaginary friend- he certainly hopes it wasn't a hallucination. He's sort of surprised Loki hadn't brought this up before now, but then again, Tony had never asked.
Loki, however, looks like he's said something wrong by bringing this up. His smile fades and he whispers, scared, "I'm in trouble, right?" His expression is skeptical when they say he's not, and Loki says "He got me in trouble when I was little..." Gwyneth tells him that he can keep talking about it, and he won't get in trouble. Loki actually lets go of Tony's arm (Finally. Tony thinks) and gazes down at Simba, clearly having some internal debate.
"Are you gonna hit me?" Loki asks with wide eyes. Tony speaks up, assuring him that they won't hit him, but inside he's seething. Did they seriously beat him up for making up a friend when apparently nobody would befriend him in real life?! Tony can't claim to know much about children, but aren't imaginary friends pretty common? Besides, those jerks are the ones who'd apparently refused to befriend him in real life and they bullied him for what they decided?
Close to a minute passes before Loki says anything, during which Gwyneth and Tony again tell him he won't get hurt. Gwyneth softly says that it's perfectly fine to talk about anything here, that he's not going to be ridiculed for what he says. "Sometimes I pretended I had a horse." Loki murmurs. He ducks his head and his body tenses as if he's expecting ridicule at the very least, probably worse. Gwyneth again reassures him and then asks what his horse was like.
Despite their reassurances, Loki doesn't continue. He just gazes down at Simba for a while, and it's clear from his eyes, which are even glassier than usual, that his mind is somewhere far away from the room they're in.
Then, Loki starts to sing, and Tony eventually recognizes the song as the one Loki had sung to him during his nightmare while watching Beauty and the Beast. Only this time, he can make out the words.
"If you find the field where horses roam
And you need a place to call your home
The moon and the stars will give you light
To sleep in the grass in peace tonight."
"He used to sing that to me when I was scared... You would've liked him." It seems Loki's talking to Simba now, and his eyes are so distant that Tony doesn't know if Loki even remembers it's not just him and Simba in the room. "His name was Sleipnir. He was my horse, but he was also like a spider, 'cause he had eight legs." Well, that's... interesting, Tony thinks, as Loki giggles. "He was my friend. But they didn't like him and..." The rest is unspoken, but it's pretty obvious he's referencing Sleipnir getting him in trouble again.
Loki starts to rock back and forth again, clearly anxious. "I used to sing that when we'd go visit the horses in the stables. He'd come with me and we'd say hi to the horses." Loki adds after a bit, even though he'd just said that Sleipnir had sung it to him. Though who's to say both aren't true? Loki's still clearly talking to Simba instead of them. "But he had to go away. They all did..." Loki hugs Simba tighter and whispers "I hated that, but I have you now, and Tony and Jarvis and Dum-E..."
"Hell yeah you have us." Tony says, putting an arm around Loki. He hadn't missed the fact Loki had said they all went away, though he has to wonder how an imaginary friend goes away without the imaginer wishing them away. Loki sounds like he hadn't wanted them to go, though. But they were imaginary friends, right?
He also recalls Loki saying a while ago that he didn't have any friends in Asgard, but it's clear that he thought he'd get in trouble for talking about them. The first part had seemed to slip out and then Loki had seemed to drift into his own little world when talking to Simba.
It turns out their time is basically up. Despite his initial reservations, Tony's rather pleased with how this session went. While Loki had seemed rather anxious, he'd still opened up, which Tony hadn't actually expected. Tony doubts he would have opened up as much as Loki had, himself.
They another appointment for Loki, after asking if he wants to continue, and Tony is very glad to learn that Gwyneth managed to rearrange her schedule to make the trip to the tower instead of them coming here. It's going to cost Tony extra, but it's not like it matters. When they'd set up the appointment, Tony had been ready to bribe her until Jarvis cut him off.
However, they're going to have to work on Loki doing these sessions without him, and Tony's starting to wonder if they should work on his ability to sit still. He'd moved around almost the entire session and seemed to hate sitting in the car.
Tony pays Gwyneth and gets up, picking up his Iron Man suit briefcase and coat. "Come on, Snoopy." He says, although Loki's already grabbing his sleeve again. Tony leads the god out of the room and calls his chauffeur to come pick them up.
They're back in the car, which Loki isn't too thrilled about. He hates the strap holding him back, and he hates just sitting there.
That whole thing had been rather different than he'd expected. He's not sure why she'd asked so much about him, but Jarvis had said it might help with his nightmares, and he really wants those to go away.
He glances over at Tony, who's on that device that's like the one he has clipped to his pocket. That whole thing had been a lot better than expected, since Tony hadn't left him,
Tony glances at him and asks "So, how come I didn't hear about Sleipnir before?" He arches an eyebrow at him and Loki shrugs.
He hadn't meant to bring him up- he actually hadn't thought about him much for a while, until singing their special song when Tony had woken up scared in the theatre. When he'd been asked during their session if he had a horse, he'd answered without thinking. When he'd been very young, he'd talked to Sleipnir and the others- Hel, Jormungand and Fenrir- constantly, and they always said what he wanted to hear.
They were all freaks like him, and sometimes he'd pretended they were a family of freaks. He'd always wished that Fenrir would really protect him and Hel would make sure his tormentors would never hurt him again like he imagined them doing, but of course, that never actually happened. But Fenrir would growl at anyone attacking him, even if he couldn't physically stop them. Jormungand, the huge serpent, would hug him in his masseve coils (Loki sometimes even forgot it was really his own arms giving the hug). They all played with him, but Sleipnir was the most playful.
He'd quickly learned he shouldn't talk to them in front of other people. Apparently, talking to things that others couldn't see was bad. At best, it brought only ridicule, but it often brought a beating with the taunts.
However, just because he knew he shouldn't do it doesn't mean he didn't accidentally do it anyways, like with his magic. For centuries during his childhood and adolescence, he'd tried to only talk to them in private, but he constantly slipped up and did it in public too, and he always got in trouble for it.
Eventually, though he's not sure how long ago it had been, he'd stopped talking to them altogether, though it had taken a while to manage not to slip up. He hated having to stop that, but he hated getting beaten up and ridiculed for it even more, and continuing to talk to them in private led to a lot of public slip ups. Because he'd stopped talking to them, they'd ended up in the back of his thoughts and stayed there for most of the last century or two. But now they're suddenly at the front of his mind again.
He'd wound up telling Simba a little bit about Sleipnir since he had briefly been so lost in his memories that he'd forgotten Tony and Dr. Car-something were there. So far, nobody's tormented him for talking to Simba like he'd talked to his friends, though maybe that's because Simba has a body. But Dr. Car-something and Tony, unlike everyone else, actually asked him to tell them more about them.
He looks at Tony again and says "Are you gonna make fun of me?" Hogunn and Fandral always mocked him, saying he'd never have real friends, because why would anyone like someone like him? He honestly never had an answer to that, since it makes sense to hate him. But hearing that always felt like being punched in the stomach or stabbed in the chest, anyways.
Tony swears he won't taunt him, and Loki hesitates. Tony's his friend, and he hasn't made fun of him for anything else, which is really weird, but a nice weird. Tony already knows about Sleipnir, apparently from when he'd told Simba, and he hasn't made fun of him for that. Loki bites his lip, wondering whether to say anything. Eventually, he whispers "Fenrir, Hel, Jormungand."
"Those were the others?" Tony asks, and Loki slowly nods, before Tony exclaims "Wait- Hel, as in go to Hell?"
Loki shrugs, even though that's right. Hel was a monster-girl from the Underworld, but she was nice to him. One half of Hel's body looked like a corpse, which wasn't as scary as it sounded. Then again, he didn't actually see them, except in his occasional good dreams (he'd dreamed about them before he started talking to them)... although there had been a couple times he could've sworn he'd seen them for a bit after waking up...
He doesn't want to talk about them any more right now.
Loki still hates sitting in this car. He's itching to get up and move around. Moving in his seat kind of helps, but not really. They've been in here for a while, probably half an hour, which is half an hour too long in Loki's mind.
Tony looks at him and asks "Do you want to stretch your legs and go for a stroll? We need to get you some shoes anyways." Loki nods. Yes, he really wants to get out of here, though he's not thrilled when Tony makes him put his boots on again.
"Pull over here." Tony tells the guy in the front of the car, who Loki's worked out is the guy controlling where it goes. The guy nods and does so. Tony checks the device in his hand and says "Just go back to the tower. We can walk back."
Loki grins as he steps out of the car and stretches out his cramped legs, but makes sure to grab onto Tony at the first opportunity.
Considering how Loki talks to Simba and treats him like he's real, Tony's not surprised the god apparently had other imaginary friends in Asgard, especially since he'd had nobody in real life. What does surprise him is that Loki hadn't given any hint of them until today. Then again, he had said they'd needed to go away in a very sad tone. Tony's really curious about Loki's other imaginary friends, but Loki hadn't seemed very forthcoming about them. He'd just whispered three rather strange names.
Loki's holding on to his sleeve again as they walk through New York City. Tony's wearing a heavy coat, but Loki seems completely unaffected by the cold temperatures in only a t-shirt. Jotuns don't mind the cold, Tony reminds himself. He'll have to remember that.
They get a lot of second glances form pedestrians, but Tony's pretty sure that's actually due to Loki wearing a t-shirt on a rather frigid October day, though carrying Simba and stopping to pick up random things like coins and candy wrappers from the sidewalk and shove them in his pockets probably contribute to drawing second glances, too. Thankfully, Loki avoids picking up cigarette butts, wrinkling his nose at the smell of them.
Shoe shopping is an interesting experience, though not quite as interesting as clothes shopping had been. Loki seems tempted to look in every single shoebox in the store. Tony doesn't let him, of course. There's no way he's going waste that much time. Loki also dashes, laughing, up and down the aisles. If it weren't for the fact that Energizer Bunny is kind of long for a nickname, Tony would totally use it.
The actual trying on shoes part takes a while and they go through so many options that Tony feels ready to pull his hair out. Loki won't keep any of them on his feet for more than ten seconds. However, the summer-wear section (which is rather limited, since it's October) ends up being the solution. Tony at first wants to insist on getting actual shoes, but reminds himself that it's not like Loki needs shoes for warmth.
So shoe shopping ends up being flipflop-and-sandal-shopping, since Loki seems to have something against having his feet covered. It turns out crocs are tolerable, though Loki clearly prefers open-toed things. Mostly due to a lack of supply, Tony doesn't go overboard and only buys one pair of each. The cashier gives them some weird looks throughout the ordeal and some weirder looks for their purchases, but the cashier doesn't say anything.
Finally, they leave the shoe store as it's closing and continue to walk through the streets of New York. Loki had, of course, had insisted on wearing one of his new things (at least he decided to put the sandals on the right feet), and it seems he would have left his boots behind at the store if Tony hadn't grabbed them.
As they walk, Tony fills the silence with wondering aloud where they should order takeout from for dinner tonight. He feels a tug on his sleeve and realizes that Loki, who's still holding onto his sleeve, has stopped walking. He's staring, transfixed, at the nearest store, which happens to be a toy store. "What is it?" Tony asks, and Loki points to a window display that Tony hadn't looked at.
"It's you!" Loki exclaims. In the window is a display featuring Avengers action figures, each about eight inches tall, except for the Hulk, who's closer to nine or ten. The display has an incredibly cheesy banner, proclaiming Take the heroes home with you!
Loki continues staring at the window, but seems to only have eyes for the Iron Man one. Tony looks over the other figures. They're actually surprisingly detailed for figures that are meant to be played with.
The store's closed, but on a whim, Tony pulls out his phone, snaps a picture, and sends a text to Jarvis telling him to order the whole set and have it shipped as fast as possible. Loki will probably love them, and, if for some reason he doesn't, Tony can stick them in the team meeting room. Tony's sort of surprised he hasn't put more Avengers merchandise in the team's meeting room anyways.
However, he doesn't tell Loki about it. Surprises are always more fun, after all.
Yes, I totally just went there and decided to make Loki's children in the myths his imaginary friends for a good deal of his life in Asgard.
So I've been looking stuff up and reading about PTSD therapy to try to make this as accurate as possible (plus I'm planning on majoring in psychology so I like reading about that sort of stuff regardless). Anyways, hopefully this was realistic. I found a forum and a lot of people said the first therapy session was just background stuff. To be honest, I'm a little worried about writing about his therapy overall. It's a gradual process and I shouldn't just gloss over it, but at the same time it would get boring if I wrote about all of it.
I've probably forgotten something I wanted to say. Oh well.
Hopefully I can update again soon. Frankly, I'm amazed I wrote this in a week