She landed on the ground, the wave of fire around her as powerful and blue as ever. The color of her flames remained as it usually was, for she believed that, if she couldn't perform the ceremony with her own bending, it might as well be performed by anyone other than her. The Sages were bound to produce better orange fire than she could, anyways.
Azula lifted her gaze expectantly towards her dragon, hoping to get his opinion on what she had just showed him. They were at his refuge, although Azula thought they ought to train elsewhere. She doubted she would set the building's walls on fire while performing the ceremonial routine, they were meant to be fireproof after all: fortunately, she was never close enough to the walls to test their resistance to flames at all, and she finished the sequence of movements successfully, and Xin Long's refuge sustained no damage whatsoever.
"Well, then," she asked, standing up straight. "What do you think?"
Xin Long blinked blankly, offering Azula no insight through their bond: Azula noticed just how clueless he felt right away. When she frowned he decided to cover up quickly by letting her know her display was truly remarkable! Nobody would stand a chance against her powerful firebending, of course not. All her enemies were sure to fall before her!
Azula sighed and shook her head, surprising Xin Long.
"That's exactly what you're not supposed to think, I'm afraid, but I accept the compliments all the same," she muttered, disheartened.
Xin Long moved closer to her, pressing his snout to her armor and making her sigh as he asked what was bothering her. She slid her hands through his mane, hoping the closeness with the dragon would help her feel slightly better about her situation.
"You see, Xin Long, I've been reading a lot about fire lately. A lot," she said. "And the more I read, the less I seem to understand what I must do for this ceremony. I knew ceremonial firebending wouldn't be so simple, but I don't understand what's making it so complicated. I can't find any sense in it, and I'm just… frustrated. Very frustrated."
Xin Long prodded at her shoulder and asked her about the information the books had held for her. Azula patted his head before replying.
"Well, mainly that fire is the element of power. Through fire, the Fire Nation came to be. Through fire, man and dragon exist. Because, apparently, according to the ancient mythology, you and I are kin. How about that?"
Xin Long growled happily and Azula smiled for the first time in days.
"I guessed you might like that," she said. "Anyhow, that's more or less what I found. There were a few other things, some allusions to ancient civilizations that eventually morphed into the Fire Nation as we know it now… and fire, naturally, was at the core of those civilizations. One of them was that of the Sun Warriors, long extinct. They used to revere dragons."
Xin Long raised his head cockily at those words, approving of the Sun Warriors immediately: dragons absolutely deserved to be revered. Azula laughed weakly at that.
"Indeed, they should be. Anyways, the ancient civilizations used fire as means to keep warm, as means to purify their lands and homes… and for a moment I wondered if perhaps the key to ceremonial firebending might be related to this. Still, I'm not sure if it is. I don't know what sort of ceremonial firebending they used to perform, I couldn't find any information about it. The books on the Sun Warriors aren't specific enough about this."
Xin Long placed his chin on Azula's shoulder now, his eyebrows contracting slightly as he wondered how he was supposed to help her. If she thought the answer was in an ancient civilization he knew nothing about, a civilization that was already extinct, what part was he meant to play in her mastery of the Ceremony of the Sun?
"I suspected those Sun Warriors could have some answers, but I didn't think they'd have them all," Azula told him. "They were the Sun Warriors, after all. Just by that name, chances are they might have been the first ones to ever perform the Ceremony of the Sun. But seeing how I couldn't find enough information about them, I really doubt I ought to keep spending my time reading. It can be entertaining indeed, but I get the feeling it won't provide the answer I'm looking for. My Uncle suggested that maybe you could help me, seeing how the first dragon taught the first man how to firebend…"
Xin Long frowned and Azula smiled.
"So, I'll need you to show me what you can do. Because I just might find the key to ceremonial firebending through you."
Xin Long failed to understand what he had to do with ceremonial firebending, considering he had never performed any firebending ceremonies in his life. He had always used his fire as unceremoniously as possible, mocking people by trying to set their robes on fire, or roasting bugs… even back in his old cave, he had used his fire to hunt bats and creatures within the labyrinth of tunnels he used to consider his home. Was that more ceremonious, more honorable, than the purposes Azula used her fire for?
The dragon's thoughts made Azula frown, but she shook her head and saddled Xin Long, deciding they needed to change locations, to avoid any potential damage to the refuge under the power of their flames – however flameproof it was supposed to be, she couldn't trust the building would hold up against the potent fire they could wield. Xin Long was slightly uneasy when she ignored his line of reasoning but he decided to please his rider all the same, taking off into the skies through one of the refuge's higher gates once Azula was sitting on his back.
They flew towards the edge of the city, past the crater where the Capital had been built into. There was another crater not too far from where they chose to land, the one that hosted the Prison Tower. Azula watched it as they descended on the ground, wondering if the White Lotus captives hadn't spoken yet about the spy in the Fire Nation… the spy she had suspected might be Iroh. An uneasy feeling rose in the pit of her stomach as she remembered that. Her relationship with the old man had improved as of late, but she still couldn't discard that possibility, and she'd best keep that in mind.
Still, trusting him regarding his advice for ceremonial bending surely wasn't a bad decision… right? He couldn't possibly have set Azula on the wrong path with this, something inside her told her as much. And while she wasn't one who would rather obey gut feelings over logic, she was convinced that Xin Long could help her. If someone could do it, it was him.
Once they landed in an arid area, away from the city and far from all towns, Azula coaxed her dragon to show her his best assortment of flames, despite Xin Long didn't see the purpose of it. She had seen his fire many times now, and in fact, his fire had taken after hers once they had bonded. What was she expecting to find through him, Xin Long didn't know…
But all the same, he complied with her wishes and roared, flames shooting out of his jaws in a powerful azure inferno.
And Azula's eyes widened. Xin Long's fire was as blue as hers… but indeed, there was something different about it. The way his fire shifted, how it grew stronger and wilder as he added more power to his roar, and then how it dissipated once he was breathless… something made it different. It was the same kind of fire, yet it was different. Why?
Xin Long lifted a bushy eyebrow as Azula placed her hands on her hips, a deep frown on her face.
"Well… if anything, you ought to perform the ceremony instead of me, huh?" she said, biting her lower lip. "It doesn't look like your fire lacks the quality mine does… whatever it is."
Xin Long was very confused by that, and Azula lifted one of her hands, extending her index and middle fingers to conjure a single, dancing blaze. It moved elegantly, slowly… coldly.
She gritted her teeth and dropped her hand, a snarl on her face. Well, at least now she knew the problem really wasn't blue fire in itself. The problem, simply put, was her.
"Brilliant," she muttered, shaking her head, and Xin Long looked at her worriedly. "If only I knew what this means, I'd be able to do something about it. But heh, I don't. I don't get it. I've bent fire my entire life, I've been able to do it for as long as I can remember! I had already mastered the firebending basics when I was four-years-old, and yet now…! Now it turns out that I've had it wrong all along? I… I don't get it. I just don't."
She sighed and let herself drop on the ground, her fingertips rubbing her temples circularly as she tried to calm down. Losing her temper and falling prey to despair would only cause her more problems than she already had, and that was plain inconvenient. Xin Long approached, flexing his hind legs as well and settling in front of his rider. He could feel her mind racing, as she sought to look at her predicament from another point of view, ever hoping to find a solution, anything to salvage her situation.
"Alright, then," she said, releasing a deep breath and looking at Xin Long again. "I don't know if I've been going at firebending wrong my whole life, but just for the time being, I'll operate under the belief that I have. It actually might help to do so. So, tell me… what do you think fire is?"
Xin Long groaned and tilted his head sideways. Azula shrugged.
"It's only a question. You must have an idea of what fire means to you, right?"
Xin Long didn't have a set idea on what fire meant to him, let alone did he know how to convey his thoughts to his rider. He also didn't understand how this would be any use for Azula, and she sighed again before explaining herself.
"I suspect the source of the problem I'm facing is nothing but my way of bending. You and I both have blue fire, yet yours is different from mine. I need to understand why. I need to bend the way you do, Xin Long. Even if just for the sake of this ceremony."
Xin Long asked her if she wanted to bend through her mouth and she looked at him, skeptical. Xin Long chuckled before closing his eyes and showing Azula the array of sensations he felt when he was bending. The Princess's brow contracted as the dragon's thoughts resounded in her mind, his ideas about fire familiar but foreign at once.
"So, to you, fire is power… which is natural, and logical," she said. "But it's also fun. Which… I guess it should be. Bending should be fun. I ought to enjoy it. And not for the sake of showing off what I can do, but because bending, in itself, is fun. Right?"
Xin Long nodded happily, pleased by the first conclusion Azula had arrived to. The Princess would have grinned at him, but another of Xin Long's ideas of fire had made her look at him with unusual tenderness.
"But fire, to you, is also light. Fire was the only source of light you knew in the caves you used to live in. You didn't even need to see the caves anymore, you knew them that well, but you still liked to use your fire, and not just for hunting or fending off threats… but because it gave you warmth in a cold cave. It made you feel alive."
Xin Long blinked a few times, startled as she put his deeper thoughts into words. He nodded slowly and Azula reached out to touch his snout, patting him gently. He reminded her that after some time, he had met her. And once he had, he discovered more colors than he ever expected to, both thanks to her fire and to bonding with her. Thanks to Azula, he had left the darkness and found there was so much for him to do and see outside his dark, hidden cave. He was free thanks to her. And with her, his fire had changed. He liked the way it had changed, because it matched hers. That was an honor he was most proud of bearing.
"You're proud of our fire, then?" Azula asked, with a smile.
Xin Long nodded vigorously now and Azula laughed softly. Xin Long's thoughts were comforting and relieving after a few weeks of feeling nothing but irritation towards herself. After spending her entire life hearing praises on end about her perfect blue fire, about how talented a firebender she was, the latest developments had been a very low blow for her. But knowing that Xin Long appreciated her so much helped her feel better. It wouldn't fix her problem, naturally, but it comforted her regardless.
"I'm proud of our fire as well, Xin Long," she said. "And that's why I want it to be the fire I'll use during the ceremony. As much as it might be that orange fire would suit the ceremony better, I don't want to give up on our fire. It's ours, after all. I can't simply cast it away. Rather, I don't want to."
Xin Long was quick to tell her she simply shouldn't do it if she felt so strongly about it, and Azula smiled again.
"I won't. I'll learn how to use blue fire for this ceremony. I still have a month and a half for this, so I'll find a way to do it by then. I don't know how, but I will."
The dragon looked at her inquisitively now, prodding her mentally to tell him about what fire meant to her. He had already explained himself, so she ought to do the same. Azula smiled a little, but the grin waned quickly.
"Well, fire is, indeed, power. I always knew as much. I've been able to bend for as long as I can remember, and… and my fire is part of me. Ever since I was young I was aware of that. And I also knew it made me special, since Zuko didn't start bending until he was five. I remember scaring him with my fire before then… yeah, much like you do with the servants. I remember he was afraid of me, and I admit I found it quite amusing to torment him. But then he started bending too, and he wasn't that scared of my fire anymore. And then he was special, just as I was. I… I guess I felt somewhat disappointed when he started bending as well. Even if only at a subconscious level, I liked the idea of being able to do things others couldn't. So now that he could do it too, it felt like I wasn't that special anymore… but to my father, I still was. And on great measure, it was because of my bending."
She opened one of her hands, and a blue blaze danced on her palm. She stared at it with longing eyes.
"For a long time, bending was my way to earn approval. Even if it didn't work with my mother, it did with my father. When he told me he was proud of me because I had mastered a new stance, or when he would oversee my training just to compliment me on my mastery and control of my flames, I'd… I'd feel elated. He believed in me, I was sure of it… so if he, a powerful firebender, could believe in me, then I couldn't be a common firebender like all others, right?
"I had to learn to control my fire, to use it to my advantage, to master it completely with every new stance I learned, and I even took the liberty to make improvements of my own to some of the techniques. I could command the obedience of my flames, much unlike Zuko, who always struggled to conjure and keep control of his fire. It was always easy for me to use fire as if it were an extension of myself.
"After some time, I started to work towards bending blue fire. Again, my father's faith in my skills helped me develop this new kind of bending. And again, it came from constant practice, constant training, and absolute control over what I was doing. I managed to raise the temperature of my fire, to the point where the flames started to shift in color and quality, and one day, I managed to do it. I could conjure blue fire, and… and it was one of the most exciting moments of my life. Nobody had ever used blue flames before, not that my father nor Lo and Li knew of, and… and I was so happy. I… I really think I'd never been happier while bending than I was that time"
Xin Long looked at her understandingly as she closed her hand, the flame disappearing from her hand.
"Afterwards came lightning bending. It was also a very intense and important experience for me, but not as much of a motive of excitement as blue fire was, mostly because others had already used lightning before me. I wasn't improvising, since the skill didn't quite allow room for it, I wasn't trying to discover something new… I was doing what others had done already. Granted, I did it at a much younger age than anyone else, but even so… I really have to admit I wasn't quite as delighted by it as I was with the blue fire at first. I was pleased with myself, but not really elated this time."
She stood up again, shooting an array of blazes into the sky with a hand. The flames left her hand to dance in the air for a brief moment before dissipating again.
"So now it seems the fire I was so proud of is no good for this ceremony," she said. "And I just refuse to accept that, Xin. If my blue fire is inadequate… then doesn't that make me inadequate as well? Your blue fire feels truer to the essence of flames than mine, so, indeed, I'm the one who has a problem. It's not blue fire in itself, but something I'm not getting right. And maybe it's my pride, after all. Or maybe not. But the fact remains that my fire is cold, and it shouldn't be. It can't be. Because fire is warmth, isn't it? Fire is… it's light, as it was for you in the cave. Fire can't be cold, because that's… that's the exact opposite of fire, isn't it?"
Xin Long frowned for a moment at that before standing up, as though startled by what she had said. He moved closer to Azula and rubbed her shoulder with his nose, telling her he had an idea. She raised an eyebrow, looking at him with curiosity as he gave her a reptilian grin.
"You have something to show me? Just now?" she asked.
Xin Long nodded enthusiastically and offered her his back so she could sit on his saddle again. Azula wasn't sure if his new idea would help, but at this point, she didn't know if anything would. She felt she was getting somewhere after this short conversation, but she wasn't sure if she would accomplish much by finding the source of her problems. Perhaps stepping away from the matter, if only shortly, could prove helpful.
They flew again, but this time headed southwest from where the Capital city stood. Azula soon understood what Xin Long had in mind, but she was still confused. What purpose was there in flying towards a volcano? How was that going to help her?
Xin Long landed before one of the largest volcanoes in the Fire Nation, and even though Azula was as skeptical about her dragon's endeavor as she could be, Azula felt power burn within her body upon the proximity to the volcano. She held on to Xin Long's reins, the scent of sulfur hanging in the air and making her frown ever so slightly. Xin Long, on the other hand, seemed to revel in the smell.
"Mount Huohe," she said, staring at the volcano with interest. "We had to study about it in school, long ago. It was one of the most active volcanoes in the mainland until about five hundred years ago. It's been dormant since."
Xing Long groaned and climbed towards the tall peak, his long body slithering as he moved, with Azula still nestled in his saddle. The dragon kept walking uphill, and only stopped at a ledge, a short distance from the crater. Only then did Azula climb down, and the dragon prodded her shoulder with his snout. The Princess frowned.
"What? What do you want me to…?" she asked, raising an eyebrow as Xin Long moved around her, groaning as though trying to make a speech of his own. The ideas in his head rushed quickly, and Azula had a hard time trying to keep up with the thoughts scrolling through the dragon's mind.
Soon enough, she understood what the dragon was trying to say. She leaned down, on one knee, her palm touching the ground. Xin Long continued to send his thoughts her way, thoughts she could understand better now, thoughts that compelled her to close her eyes and let herself feel what lay underneath. The dragon told her there was no need to reason through this… just as she often didn't reason through matters when she was with Sokka.
Azula had been about to do as the dragon told her until he conveyed that last thought. She shot a glare at him and the dragon gave her a proud grin. She shook her head, annoyed over the fact that her heart had started beating a little faster when the image of a smiling Sokka had taken form in her mind.
But once she was able to push away all thoughts of her gladiator, she started to feel something that had nothing to do with embarrassment or irritation. She started to feel… fire. It burned within the volcano, deep underground, and she could feel it. The fire resounded with her soul, much like…
"Just like when I found you," she said, frowning, her eyes closed. "I… I can feel the fire. It's not my own, but I still can feel it."
Xin Long grinned before letting Azula know that this volcano wasn't sleeping as soundly as many others he had seen as he traveled through the Fire Nation. Azula opened her eyes again, looking at him with interest, and Xin Long sat down, sharing his knowledge of volcanoes with her quite enthusiastically.
"So, you can tell which volcanoes still have magma within their chambers," Azula said, thoughtful. "You can sense it. The fire draws you towards them."
Xin Long nodded, and Azula crossed her legs as she took her seat as well, curious about her dragon's thoughts. This probably wouldn't help her with the ceremony, but at this point, she wasn't even thinking about it anymore: instead, she was genuinely intrigued by Xin Long's thoughts.
The dragon continued to explain the volcanoes were the world's very own dragons. The fire waited within them until they released them through their mouths, just like he did with his flames. The volcanoes would spend a long time without releasing their fire, but some of them did it when you weren't expecting them to. He had once witnessed a volcano erupting in an island far from where they were now, in an island shaped as the moon in the last quarter of its cycle.
"Crescent Island?" Azula asked. "Huh, interesting. The Fire Sages in the temple had to evacuate the place a few years ago temporarily. Eruptions became more constant and dangerous there than…"
Xin Long frowned and shook his mane, confused by why anyone wouldn't want to live in the island of flowing fire. Azula raised an eyebrow.
"Because it's dangerous, simply," she said, matter-of-factly. "As much as the Fire Nation people may like fire, Xin, it's not safe to live near volca-…"
Xin Long shushed her with a groan, and Azula would have taken offense if he hadn't pointed out that her home, the Capital, was in the middle of another dormant volcano, so there was no sense in what she was saying. Azula's eyebrow twitched now.
"Indeed, but it's truly dormant. It won't be waking any time soon. I haven't felt fire there as I do here."
Xin Long retorted that perhaps that was because she didn't try to feel the fire there, as she had just now. His logic startled Azula, and she looked at him skeptically.
"Oh, so I can only feel fire foreign to mine when I'm actively trying to feel it? Then pray tell, why did I sense your fire back in the forest? How could I, if I was just asleep? I've fallen asleep in the Capital many times before, and I've never felt a thing."
Xin Long replied by saying she probably did feel it, but didn't rationalize it. There was a reason why she didn't feel at ease anywhere but at the Fire Nation. Even then, there was a reason why anywhere else in the Fire Nation didn't make her as comfortable as the Capital. Perhaps it was because it was her home… but perhaps there was something else, a comfort the location provided her on another level, but she had never thought it through. She had felt it for such a long time that she couldn't sense the Capital's inner fire for what it was anymore. She simply took for granted that it was there.
"Well, that would be… odd," said Azula, rubbing her chin with a finger. "But you might just be right, after all. You do seem to understand this better than I do."
Xin Long smiled again before also explaining that, given what he saw in her memories, she surely felt his fire when she did because she had been losing sight of her inner fire at the time. Azula frowned, recalling what had happened that day. It wasn't because she had been soaked by the rain, since she had managed to heat herself up right afterwards. She had even managed to hold one of her flames for a while until she was too tired to keep it up. And then she had fallen asleep… right after telling Sokka that she could get used to living in the wilds with him.
Back then it hadn't been a genuinely appealing perspective, though. The idea of running off with Sokka was much more tempting nowadays; at the time, she had only wanted to find the Rough Rhinos and bring them to justice. And she had lost all hope to do so by the time they were in the cave. By then, she had thought she wouldn't succeed. She had thought she would be shamed forevermore, because it was the first time she had ever failed at anything so catastrophically. The sensation of hopelessness she had felt in the forest was nearly as bad as what she had felt when the lightning had backfired on her as she fought against the White Lotus infiltrates in the Palace. Only, the one in the forest had lasted much longer. It had made her lose sight of her inner fire, even if she was still capable of using firebending in basic ways afterwards. And once she had lost sight of her own fire, she had been able to sense another flame, one that burned deep within the tunnels, within the mountains…
"Interesting," she said, elbows on her knees, her hands under her chin. "It makes some sense, I'll admit. I didn't think too much about firebenders being able to sense heat in this way, because I actually hadn't heard of such a phenomenon before. I only ever noticed it thanks to you."
Xin Long shrugged and smiled again, saying humans just weren't attentive enough more often than not. Azula raised her eyebrows and smiled, looking at him with amusement.
"We aren't, are we?" she said, looking at the volcano again. "Still, as much as this is truly fascinating… we're here because the fire in the volcanoes will help me, you believe?"
Xin Long simply replied by saying that she was a volcano as well, and Azula raised an eyebrow. There was fire inside her, there was fire inside every firebender. And bringing that fire outside was what the volcanoes did. What the dragons did. But Azula had learned to use fire without needing to use her inner flames. She had learned to perform stances, to rely only on the flow of her energy, on the power of breath so she could create flames, whether orange in her childhood or blue in the years afterwards. She had only known to create fire, but never had she been told to think of where fire came from. And only when she understood its true source would she be capable of bending like a dragon, or like a volcano.
Azula frowned, still confused by Xin Long's idea but keeping an open mind for it all the same. She stood up and took a deep breath, closing her eyes again and feeling the warmth of the volcano.
"I can sense the volcano's fire, yes," she said. "But… as you said, I was taught that firebending comes from the breath. I really don't know how to channel my inner fire outwards. I mean, if it's not in the way I learned to do it, then I really don't understand how it's done, Xin Long."
The dragon told her not to think of the methods through which she had learned firebending, and Azula sighed. He stood next to her, ushering her to feel the fire, not just the volcano's but her own. To sense it… and then release it.
With that, the dragon roared blue flames into the air, charring the black grounds around the volcano. Azula frowned before taking a deep breath and releasing it as a smaller roar of fire of her own. Xin Long hooted in approval, saying he didn't know she could use her breath like he did, and Azula chuckled. Still, her amusement soon dimmed. It didn't feel any different than her usual fire.
"It's still not good enough," she muttered. "It's…"
Xin Long grunted, letting her know it wasn't about it being good enough. Fire wasn't supposed to be perfect. Fire was supposed to be wild, untamed, free. It was supposed to be power, and it shouldn't be controlled. Volcanoes didn't control their fire. The lava erupted and rushed down the mountain, burning everything in its path without a care in the world. So Azula had to be like the volcanoes. She had to let her fire run free.
The notion of giving her fire freedom was surprising for the Princess. She hadn't thought that her fire was repressed in any way. But maybe Xin Long was right. If there was one thing she knew she did to her fire, it was keeping it in total control. And while there would be nothing wrong with that in fights, or in wars, it was wrong in ceremonial firebending.
Ceremonial firebending was supposed to be about cherishing fire in its purest, truest form. It was about showing Feng Huang the powers of his children, of making an offering of their fire for him in return for giving them life so long ago. It was an offering of the best flames the Fire Nation could present to their god. And it couldn't be controlled fire, it couldn't be combat fire. It had to be more than that.
Azula closed her eyes, wondering how to produce this pure form of firebending. She breathed deeply, sensing the warmth of the volcano before her, but now sensing Xin Long's fire as well, a smaller flame than the ones that lay in wait deep within the mountain. And right beside the dragon's fire dwelled another flame… a different flame. One she was so familiar with that she barely even registered its presence anymore. It was fire she had grown to take for granted, just as the one below the crater where her home lay.
She lifted a hand, stretching her fingers out and conjuring a ball of fire. Instead of being frustrated by how cold her flames felt, she simply felt. And as the blazes danced on her palm, she felt the volcano underneath. She felt the fire that was truer than hers… a fire she wanted to imitate, even if she didn't know how. But it was the answer, after all. Her fire had to become like the volcano's magma. Her fire had to be wild, free… imperfect.
And fun, Xin Long added, startling Azula. She turned to look at him, and the dragon gave her a mischievous grin. As much as fire wasn't something to be taken lightly, it also wasn't something to be taken that seriously. He loved to use fire for fun, and not for any given purpose. It was, simply, fun. Azula smiled at that.
"When was the last time I used firebending for fun…?" she wondered, but she didn't need to think too far to remember. Chasing Sokka with fire as they trained on the Barge had been rather fun. She had laughed heartily at that. And as she remembered that instance, she thought her fire hadn't felt as cold that day…
She closed her eyes again and simply decided to enjoy the sensation of bending fire. She didn't look, for she feared she might fail to make things work if she was too aware of what she was doing. All she needed was to bend, and to bend for the sake of bending. The ceremony, her enemies, her father's expectations were forgotten. All that mattered now was her fire. All she had to do was let it out, allow it to cleanse her, to purify her, to bring her the same thrill she had felt back when she had first bent blue flames.
Once she opened her eyes, with a ball of flames in her hands, she found they felt slightly different from what they had been before. It was a start. She smiled and looked at Xin Long with relief, and the dragon let out his gurgling laugh as a response.
They spent hours near the volcano, and Azula continued to bend without taking up stances, or even thinking about the basics of firebending. Everything that had ever restricted her fire was forgotten, if only for the time being, and she only continued to bend, even playing with Xin Long by tossing bolts of flames at him so he'd swallow them and release puffs of smoke afterwards. They unleashed blazes together, laughed and allowed themselves the freedom to wield their flames without any reservations.
By the end of the day, they returned to the Palace and Azula headed off to take a long bath, relaxing and cleaning up after a long day. As she rested in the tub she procured another flame in her hands, a blue, dancing flame. It was less controlled than usual, albeit she was certain she could reel it back into her control if only she wanted to. But for now, her fire had to remain wild. Only this way would she come closer to understanding fire.
She progressed far too slowly for her liking during the next weeks, but at least there was progress to speak of. They always left the Capital, practicing in nearby uninhabited craters to avoid setting anything on fire by accident. Xin Long was helpful, always reminding her to stop worrying about the ceremony if she thought about it too much. Her frustration over the matter wouldn't help her bend better for the occasion, after all.
"All the same, it's ridiculous," Azula said, throwing a fistful of flames into the air and frowning, just as Xin Long reminded her, for the umpteenth time, that stressing over the ceremony wouldn't help her in any way. "Why is it that frustration doesn't allow me to bend well, but rage helps my fire feel warmer?"
Xin Long was confused by that, and Azula dropped her arm before explaining herself.
"Since I was a child, I'd use firebending as an outlet for whenever I was enraged about anything. It was rather helpful, and well… I haven't done it in a long time as it is, but I always felt rage made my fire feel stronger, though it also makes it unreliable. It was because I was too enraged to bend properly, let alone think properly, that the Rough Rhinos got the better of me back when I faced against them on my own."
Xin Long reminded her then that, if she had been bending properly that day, she might not have found him at all, and Azula smiled.
"Indeed. Emotional firebending has its benefits after all. Still, when it comes to combat, I'm certain it's better to bend the way I always do."
The dragon naturally reminded her that she wasn't supposed to be training for combat at the moment, and Azula nodded.
"I know. And that's why I'm wondering if perhaps emotions might help me produce the proper firebending for the ceremony," she said. "I've never wanted to rely on them, not for bending or anything else, but if my fire is cold, it might just be because of that. Perhaps I need to let myself be filled by anger to get this right?"
Xin Long crooked an eyebrow as Azula drew a deep breath and, instead of trying to keep her mind blank, she started to think of everything that had ever fueled her rage in the past. Memories came back to her, although most of them were sources of sadness rather than rage at this point.
Except for one.
She gritted her teeth, recalling an event long gone, from her teenage years. The condescending tone in which he had spoken, that moment when she had realized the only man to ever see her true worth was her father… the first time she had ever thought there was something in the Fire Nation that needed to be changed, direly.
She unleashed an array of flames, her anger fueling them and making them feel wild and powerful. Xin Long watched in amazement, despite he was somewhat intimidated by the anger nestling in his rider's heart right now.
Azula kicked the air and roared, but soon enough she felt drained. Soon enough, there wasn't enough anger to fuel her flames. She fell on her knees, gritting her teeth again. Long ago, the only thing she would have changed about the Fire Nation was the way women were subjected to unfair standards, forced to live lives they might not want to. Now, though… after everything she had seen during her travels, after she started to see her father in a different light, after so many things had changed, she couldn't quite help but feel that her initial purpose had grown fainter over time. She still wanted to become Fire Lord one day, and she still wanted to change what needed to be changed in the Fire Nation's society… but there was much more wrong about it than just this.
All in all, growing to hate that man only over one conversation had been slightly childish of her. Perhaps she had seen his true nature that day, but even then, she had no reason to prove anything to him. She didn't have to show him how wrong he had been about her: her actions spoke for themselves already. Everything she had done as of late ought to make him change his mind, and acknowledge Azula for who she was. If her deeds didn't suffice, then nothing ever would. But she would make him swallow his words one day nonetheless, once she became Fire Lord…
"And to think I'll have to deal with him again soon," she muttered, shaking her head and standing up again, turning towards Xin Long. "I'm not angry enough to actually make a rage outburst that lasts long enough, so it seems this isn't going to help either."
Xin Long asked if she needed to get angry and Azula smiled but shook her head.
"I really doubt that's going to be the answer, Xin-…"
Because, if that was really what she needed, she should go see Sokka. If someone knew how to irritate her, it was him, right?
Azula blushed when her dragon sent that thought her way. She shook her head, folding her arms across her chest.
"I doubt that's going to work. As much as he may annoy me at times, I… I really don't feel anger towards him anymore. If anything, I feel… the opposite of that."
Xin Long raised an eyebrow and prodded Azula's shoulder. She had wanted to let emotions influence her bending, but maybe rage wasn't the only one she could rely on. She was usually happy with Sokka, and being around him was fun for her. Maybe she would be able to make firebending fun and true if she was with him.
Azula sighed and rolled her eyes, as Xin Long insisted on this. But as his thoughts scrolled through her mind, Azula noticed they were getting close to one month before the set date for the Slate's fight. She had been so focused on the ceremony that she had nearly forgotten she hadn't given Shoji an answer yet… and that she had to assess Sokka's progress in training before she could give him an answer, to begin with.
"Well, maybe it won't be any use for the ceremony," she mused. "But I did have to go see him sooner than later, it's true. I suppose I could do it now, if that makes you so happy."
Xin Long nodded enthusiastically and Azula raised an eyebrow as she moved towards his saddle. She figured she would stop by at the Palace for something to eat first, and afterwards the dragon could take her to see Sokka. He would be at Ty Lee's place, if the information she had was accurate… Xin Long said it didn't matter where he might be, though, for if he wasn't there, they would find him. Azula huffed, climbing on the saddle.
"You're so enthusiastic about this that I'm starting to suspect you just want to get rid of me for the day…" Azula said, raising an eyebrow as Xin Long got ready to take off. The dragon's subtle chuckling made her stare at him in disapproval. "And here I thought the only one who could tolerate me no matter what would be you, dragon."
Xin Long began his ascent through the skies as he told his rider that she was wrong to assume he didn't want to be around her. He merely thought she needed a break from their constant practicing. She missed Sokka, and Xin Long missed flying freely across the skies and chasing after animals on the ground. Surely, if they rested for the day, they would be revitalized by the next one.
"Excuses, excuses," said Azula, shaking her head but smiling despite herself.
The thought of seeing Sokka again was compelling, though. It had been nearly a month since she had last been around him, and whether she liked it or not, his absence as of late was making her days harder to bear. She had grown used to being near him, more than she should have. She didn't know if Xin Long was right to think this would help, but if anything, she certainly wanted to see Sokka once again.
A/N:
What a short update, you'll think, considering how long all my latest chapters have been… but fear not (or maybe fear a lot, depending on how long you like the updates), the next one will be the longest chapter so far. A 24K-chapter wasn't an option, so I decided to split up a massive chapter 85 in two installments. The next one should be up sooner than later, if all goes as intended. Thanks for reading, as ever :)