Chapter 34

Author's Note: This AU does not follow canon from The Search graphic novel. As a mother myself, I reject the idea that a loving mother would ever voluntarily give up her memories of her children. Furthermore, it does not serve this story to have Ursa change her memories or her face. In this AU, Ursa leaves the palace as described in The Search, finds Noren, and has Kiyi, but does not visit the Mother of Faces.

Content warning: discussion of past domestic abuse.

"You have a guest in the drawing room, my lord," the butler announced, interrupting another meeting of the legal team. The usually dour man's eyes were gleaming with an unusual excitement, which got Azula's attention. "Well, I'm not sure if it's proper to call her a guest. It's the dowager Fire Lady."

"Who?" she asked, confused by the title.

"Your mother, my lord."

Stunned, Azula made her way to the drawing room, where she saw a figure in burgundy robes. Mother. The word caught in her throat; she found she could not say it aloud.

The older woman turned around, and the pair looked at each other for the first time in over a decade. They stood in silence, staring at each other for a long moment. Each saw how the other had aged, and in noting the differences between the woman before her, and her memory, took in their lost years all at once.

"Azu," Ursa breathed.

The sound of the pet name made the Fire Lord's heart explode with longing and shrivel in bitterness at the same time. How many times had she wanted her mother, when she wasn't there? "What are you doing here?" she asked coldly, keeping herself in check.

"I came to see you. I've missed you terribly." The older woman's eyes pleaded with her daughter.

"That makes one of us," Azula lied, her hands grabbing her elbows in front of her.

"I wanted to congratulate you on the good work you've done as Fire Lord. And to apologize." Ursa lowered her head humbly, hands clasped.

Azula dropped her arms. She wasn't expecting that. "Apologize?"

"I'm sorry for leaving you, Azu."

Hearing those words after so long made the young woman's chest ache, but she resisted the feeling. She crossed her arms again. "So what? I didn't need you."

Over her shoulder, Mai snickered. "Liar. I remember what a wreck you were when she first left."

"Maybe you didn't," Ursa allowed, "Look at you, ruling the country, finally bringing peace. I'm proud of you.

"You have no right to take pride in my accomplishments," Azula declared indignantly.

She was surprised when her mother agreed with her again. "You're right. As a mother, I had no part in your success. What you've done, you did on your own. But as a citizen, I can be proud of my leader."

This perspective affected Azula, if possible, even more than the idea of her mother being proud of her. She turned her face away to hide her emotion.

But Ursa saw, and gave a small smile. "Azu, when I arrived, the servants were so happy to see me again, that they insisted on preparing a reunion feast for us. Let's go down to the family dining room, so that we don't disappoint them." Ursa turned and walked toward the room she mentioned. She was acting as if she were Fire Lady again, in perfect command of the palace space.

Reluctantly, Azula followed. They began eating in awkward silence. Ursa complimented the servants on their work, and then waited for her daughter to speak.

Finally Azula couldn't take it. She slammed her chopsticks down on the table and demanded, "Why did you leave?"

Your father made me," Ursa jumped right into an explanation, despite her daughter's rudeness. "He banished me because I helped him kill your grandfather with poison, and after that he said he no longer trusted me to remain in the palace."

"There is nothing more treacherous than a poisoner," Father declared, shaking his head behind his wife's shoulder.

"Why did you kill grandfather? Just so father could become Fire Lord?" The young woman wondered. She had been named for old Azulon, and flattered herself that despite his coldness, he had been pleased with her because of her prodigious firebending skill, evident even as a small child.

"No, although for him, that was a bonus. For me, it was about saving your brother."

"What did Zuzu have to do with it?" Azula's face screwed up with confusion.

"It happened right after your cousin, Lu Ten, was killed in battle, as you remember," Ursa recounted the story. "Since your uncle Iroh had lost his heir, your father made a play to usurp him as crown prince. He paraded you and Zuko in front of old Azulon, and tried to tell him that he should be the next Fire Lord, since he had living children, and Iroh no longer did. But Azulon found the suggestion repugnant, and ordered Ozai to kill Zuko, to teach him a lesson. I could not allow that, so I suggested to Ozai that we kill Azulon instead."

"So that was why you left." This conclusion awakened all of her jealous emotions. She had always known that Mother loved her gentle brother best. "You were willing to abandon me, in order to save Zuko."

"She would have done anything for that weakling." Father sneered. "Even though you were a better firebender, and had a better understanding of statecraft. Your mother cared only for her little boy."

"Well, yes," Ursa admitted uncomfortably. "I put his life over your wellbeing. It wasn't fair to you; I know you suffered because of my desertion. But if I hadn't made that bargain with your father, you would have lost your brother. I made the choice that kept us all alive, at least. I'm sorry for the effect that had on you, but I have to admit I would do it again."

"You sacrificed me because you never cared about me. You were glad to be rid of me." Azula pushed, her voice sullen and accusing.

"That's not true and you know it," her mother objected, her face stern.

"You called me a monster," she reminded her.

Ursa paused. "I'm sorry you heard that. It wasn't meant for your ears, but just a moment of frustration on my part."

"It was true."

"It doesn't have to be," her mother insisted. "Azula, I can't pretend that I was the mother you needed, and I'm sorry for that. I did the best I could in an impossible situation. I hope you'll forgive me for not loving you enough."

Something cracked inside Azula. It was what she'd longed to hear for years, she realized. To distract herself from the overwhelming feeling that threatened to make her eyes spill over, looked down. Noticing her forgotten food, she ate a few bites, and her mother did the same. Then she swallowed and asked for more information. "Where did you go?"

"To a little village called Hira'a," Ursa answered, appearing relieved to continue her story. "My parents were there, but your father had forbidden me to write to them. They passed away during the years I lived here, and I didn't know it until I showed up at their house, looking for them. My old boyfriend was also there."

"You had a boyfriend before you married Father?" Azula couldn't help her curiosity.

"I did." A girlish smile came over the older woman's face, and it was clear how beautiful she must have been in her youth, and still was. "We had just become engaged, when your grandfather showed up to arrange my marriage to your father."

The idea of a broken engagement resonated with Azula. Aang was like Ursa in this story, and the waterbender was like the royal who had swept in and stolen her from her fiance.

Mother was going on. "I tried to be happy with the life others had chosen for me, but your father was abusive. You probably knew that, though I tried to hide it."

"She deserved every blow and every sharp word," Ozai asserted.

"I think I knew," the Fire Lord murmured. "In whatever way a child understands that kind of thing. He only got worse after you left." A hint of blame colored her voice, telling her mother, you should have protected us.

"I wanted to take you both with me, but he wouldn't let me." The older woman's pain and regret were written all over her face.

"Of course not. He needed his heir and his spare." Azula shook her head bitterly. She had never resented anything so much as being the 'spare.' "I know he was terrible. I killed him, you know."

Mother covered her face with her hands.

Thinking she was sad for Father's death, for a moment the firebender did not know what to say. She refused to apologize. "I'm not sorry I did it, but if it grieves you to lose him, then I'm sorry for your loss." She spoke the words in a wooden way, repeating the words Ursa herself had told her to say upon seeing someone grieving.

Her mother lifted her face. "No, I'm glad he's dead. But I'm sad for you, that you had to do that. It can't have been easy for you."

Azula was taken aback by her concern. "It wasn't. He haunts me," she admitted softly.

Ursa wiped her face again, and changed the subject. "I want to show you something." She pulled a picture out of her bag, a miniature family portrait. Herself, a handsome man with a goatee, and little girl, about six or seven years old. She looked just like Azula had as a child. "There's Noren and Kiyi. She's a firebender, just like you."

"You replaced me." Azula felt betrayed.

"No, Azu. I did not decide to have another child to replace my first two. I merely wanted to have a happy family with the man I loved."

"Because you weren't happy with us."

"I wasn't happy with your father, no. But you and Zuko," She shook her head slightly, eyes filling with tears. "The two of you brought me the deepest joy."

Then why did you leave? she wanted to cry. But Ursa had already answered that question. She swallowed and asked instead, "Do they know?"

"Know what?"

"About us. About the life you had before."

"Noren does. He was actually my boyfriend before your father and grandfather came to cart me away."

Azula found this conclusion to her mother's love triangle oddly satisfying. Her mother had returned to her first love, just as Aang would return to her, once he saw the light. She just hoped he got away from the waterbender before he sired two children on her. The thought made her queasy.

Ursa continued. "I haven't told Kiyi yet, though. I thought I should talk to you first. I've wanted to come here to see you since your father's death. I heard about the assassination attempt, and the thought of you facing that danger without me there to protect you drove me crazy. Then I came to town for your Agni Kai, and nearly had a heart attack watching it."

Azula scoffed. The idea of her mother fighting a combustionbender was ridiculous. "When have you ever been able to protect me?"

"It's a natural thing for a mother to want to protect her child, no matter how impossible that is, in the end," Ursa answered mildly. "Let me show you something." She pulled up her sleeve, revealing reddened skin on her forearm. "Once, when you were about three, you were crying because your favorite toy dragon was lost. Ozai yelled at you to be quiet, which only made you cry harder. He raised his hand to you, I grabbed his arm, and he burned me instead."

Though touched by the story, the firebender stayed silent. She refused to thank her mother for one good, sacrificial action she didn't even remember, when the years of separation weighed more heavily on her. Under the table, she touched her own forearm, imagining what that burn must have felt like, on both ends.

Ursa pulled her sleeve back down, and returned to the picture. She forced some lightness into her voice. "Kiyi actually kind of idolizes you. When she practices her firebending, she pretends to be you. She asked to have her hair cut like yours."

Azula couldn't resist patting her hair smugly at the thought of a little girl copying her in such a flattering way. "Peony did promise I'd start a trend."

"She'll be thrilled to know the mighty Fire Lord Azula is actually her sister! I would love for you to meet." Ursa suggested, eyebrows pinched with hope.

Azula was not so desperate to have her mother back into her life that a single meal together had already fixed a decade apart. They had a lot more to discuss and resolve between them. So she hid how whole this reunion had made her feel, and made sure her mother couldn't tell how much she liked the thought of a tiny fan who looked just like her.

She turned away, lifting her nose in the air. "We'll see. My schedule is quite busy."

Perhaps Ursa saw through her daughter's bravado, though, because she smiled knowingly, understanding that all she could do was offer. "I understand. My schedule is wide open, Azu. Whenever you're ready to meet Kiyi, your little admirer will be thrilled."

Author's Note: Please leave me a review!

If you can't get enough of this story and want to know how it ends NOW, let me know! I am looking for a beta reader to preview this story, which is already in a complete draft.