Chapter 44

First, Azula sat down and wrote an urgent memo for Governor Morishita, ordering him to begin work immediately on the series of improvements that she had proposed at the meeting in Yu Dao. She hoped that her generosity would sway the election, but doubted it would; it seemed almost rigged to favor independence. Nevertheless, she did not want to hold her money hostage, as the insufferable rebel had put it. Vexed at the way the independence movement portrayed her as inherently an oppressor, she took no pleasure in her largesse. She may have to give up the colonies, but now, the one territory she refused to retreat from was the moral high ground. Perhaps the university, parks, and railroad could serve as reparations for Sozin's long-ago conquest, parting gifts to the Fire Nation's daughter republic, and the history books would attest that the freedom fighters had been wrong about the Fire Lord.

When the memo was finished, she called for a runner to take it directly to the telegraph wires, so that the governor would get word immediately.

Then she turned to an even more painful and humbling task: the apology letter. She would not telegraph it, she decided. Speed of delivery was less important than sincerity, so it should be handwritten. Better for privacy that way, too. The hard part would be the composition, she knew. She examined her memories of her actions and Aang's recent admonishments to put into words exactly how she had hurt him. Her inner resistance to this debasement, as well as the empathy for her victim that it created, made her writing excruciating. She agonized over each sentence. Her wastebasket piled up with discarded papers, as she went through draft after unsatisfying draft.

She had to rewrite the entire thing when she realized she had spoken of her feelings for him in the present tense, which would make him feel uncomfortable, maybe even threatened. So, aspirationally, she rewrote it using past tense. Once she had written the apology itself, she tried to explain her actions without justifying them, but found it an impossible balance to strike, and besides, she had already told him why she'd done it. More half-written letters thrown away.

And then, once she had decided what to put in and what to leave out, she found it even more difficult to end the letter than it had been to begin it. An optimistic closure felt dishonest. She wrote several lines insisting that Aang was dooming her to eternal loneliness, despite his baseless optimism, but discarded them because wallowing didn't suit her. Then she debated adding an offer to renew their friendship–or to become a true friend to him for the first time—whenever he was ready, but decided not to push him that way. She didn't want to use her apology to push for contact. It was better to ask nothing from him, though she burned to know how he would respond. She knew she should end with a reference to his wedding and impending fatherhood, but could not bring herself to congratulate him, so she kept her hopes for his future wellbeing vague.

After several hours, the apology letter was complete.

Dear Aang,

I'm sorry for telling Father to make you marry me without asking you first. I'm sorry for those kisses. I'm sorry for trying to manipulate Katara into hurting you. I'm sorry for the distress I caused you at our most recent meeting when I admitted that I still held out hopes for you. I should never have suggested annulling your marriage.

Perhaps it wasn't true love, but my feelings for you were real, and included admiration for your moral qualities as well as desire. Loving you from afar for the past two years changed me for the better. You inspired all of the good I have done as Fire Lord. I understand that there is more I must do to become the leader the world needs, and your ethics will continue to guide me.

I wish you every happiness.

Azula read her words over one more time and felt satisfied. She believed she had emptied her conscience of the worst of its sins and said everything necessary for a thorough expression of contrition.

It was hard to settle on a closing, as the powerful flourishes she was used to, like "Your fearless leader," were certainly inappropriate. "Love," "Yours truly," and "Your friend," pretended to an intimacy that Aang had rejected, so it would be wrong to push it on him now. "Sincerely," and "Warmly," did not fit her personality at all. After more struggle, she gave him the gift of finality, and signed,

Farewell,

Azula

Exhausted, she sat down to dinner in her room, as a reward for a hard job finished. But when the noodles didn't go down well, she realized her work was incomplete. There was another apology she needed to send, without which the first was meaningless. She went back to her desk, as if returning to a site of torture.

If her letter to Aang had been difficult to write, this one was impossible. It was humiliating to address the woman she had hated so long with an admission of guilt. She had to vent her pique with several unsendable letters full of curses and insults, just to get them out of her system. Then she burned up the crumpled papers, to make room in the overflowing wastebasket, and began again.

She finished the letter long after dark.

I'm sorry for attacking you at the palace training ground and having you imprisoned. I'm sorry for ordering the archers to shoot you. I'm sorry for arranging for your brother to be kidnapped. I'm sorry for nearly shocking you when we fought in the desert. I was motivated by a possessive jealousy that is beneath me, and that I am putting aside. Your family is safe from me now.

I acted the way I did because I believed that you meant to use Aang to further your political aims, but it seems I was mistaken. Aang chose you, and he is wise. So I trust that he will be happy with you.

Fire Lord Azula

She read it over, and saw that her words had come out much more stiff and formal than the ones she had addressed to Aang. That was appropriate. She did not care about the other woman's opinion of her, and did not bother with a closing. Being on a first name basis with the waterbender was the last thing she wanted, so she omitted a greeting and used her title in signing. As an afterthought, she added a satisfying update on a man they both despised.

P.S. It may interest you to know that Zhao is still in jail, in your old cell, in solitary confinement, on rations just above starvation. He will never touch another woman as long as he lives.

Upon a final rereading of the letters, she realized that a third person had been collateral damage in her plot, and deserved an apology as well. This one was the shortest and easiest of the three, or perhaps she was getting better with practice.

Sokka,

I'm sorry for arranging to have you kidnapped. It was not personal. You were just a pawn in a scheme focused on others. I hope the sandbenders didn't handle you roughly. I gave them no instructions concerning your treatment, but I must take responsibility for any suffering you may have endured because I ordered the kidnapping. I won't do anything like that again.

Fire Lord Azula

She considered asking about Ty Lee, but she had no way of knowing if the two were still dating. She didn't even know where the engineer was, so she had to address the envelope in care of his sister. Presumably the waterbender would know where her brother was. If not, that wasn't her fault.

Glad to finally be finished, she sealed the letters and gave them to a servant to put in the outgoing mail to Yu Dao.

Though she had spent the whole day seated at her desk, her entire body ached, as if after hard exercise. Perhaps she'd worked some spiritual muscle for the first time, she mused. Despite her exhaustion, Azula felt clean and unbelievably light as she lay down to sleep.

After leaving the Fire Lord at her door, Raiden finished his guard shift and saw his friends Naoki and Takeo, also coming off duty. They walked together to the barracks.

"Is Azula still in a funk?" Naoki asked.

"She seems to be recovering. I walked her to her room just now, and she told me she'll go back to work tomorrow."

"That's a good thing. She needs to make a decision about this situation in the colonies before it's too late." Takeo put in. "What was bothering her so much?"

"Heartbreak," he answered shortly.

Naoki stared at him. "You didn't—"

Raiden shook his head emphatically. "No, it was the Avatar." It was private, but he trusted his friends not to gossip. "She was hoping they would—get back together when they saw each other in Yu Dao."

"Wow, she's been carrying that torch this whole time?" Takeo gawked, impressed.

Raiden nodded grimly, and the other young man patted his shoulder sympathetically.

"So she's upset because she just found out he's married?" Naoki wondered.

"Yes," the captain said, then frowned in confusion. "But how do you know?"

She pulled a magazine out of her bag: Terra Firma, the most popular publication in the Earth Kingdom. The large letters of the headline read, "The Avatar's Love!" The cover illustration showed the airbender and his smiling wife. His arms were draped around her from behind, and both cradled her slightly rounded belly.

Raiden's first thought was for Azula, and how she'd feel to see her ex publicly celebrating his relationship. "Has she seen this yet?"

"No. Joshu always filters her mail for her."

Raiden exhaled in relief. He knew they couldn't keep the article from her forever, but preventing her from reading it until she felt more stable was smart.

"Good news for you, though, right?" Takeo elbowed him.

"Why?"

"If the Avatar is married, then she'll have to give up on him, and that means there's an opening for you," his friend pointed out.

"You're still on about that?"

"You obviously haven't moved on. You still like her."

Raiden sighed. His attraction to Azula was as strong as ever, as was his impulse to support her. But if his friends only saw an opportunity for him in the Fire Lord's unhappiness, then they didn't understand him at all. So he explained, "Look, if the Avatar were single, and he started dating Azula in Yu Dao like she had hoped, I wouldn't have enjoyed watching it happen. You're right about that. But at the same time, I take no satisfaction in seeing her hurt this way. Right now my number one concern is helping the Fire Lord survive her heartbreak and return to her regular duties."

"And if she wants a rebound fling?" Takeo grinned.

Raiden rolled his eyes. "Just because she'll have to move on eventually doesn't mean she'll pick me, of all people." He pointed at the magazine. "Can I read this?"

Naoki nodded and handed it to him.

As soon as Raiden had a private moment, he opened the magazine and devoured the story about the Avatar and his growing family. Still curious about the airbender's relationship with Azula, he was hoping the magazine would tell him what had happened between them, from Aang's point of view. Based on the publication date, he deduced that the journalist must have interviewed the couple before the meeting in Yu Dao with the governor and Fire Lord. It was a typical celebrity profile in many ways. It answered many questions about the reclusive airbender's life, from where he had been for the past couple of years ("The Air Temples, mostly") to his favorite foods ("Custard pies and moon peaches").

But of course, what everyone wanted to know about was Aang's love life. The couple told the reporter the story of their romance, meeting in captivity in the Fire Nation.

"What was your biggest trial during that time?" the writer had asked. Aang talked about how the Fire Nation had lied to him about the destruction of his people:

"I had been told that they were wiped out by a plague," the Avatar answered, a storm passing over his handsome features.

"And I didn't disabuse him of that notion until too late," his pretty wife put in regretfully. "That made it hard for him to trust me."

Aang covered Katara's hand with his, as they shared a sad smile. "We got through it. And now nothing can tear us apart."

Next, the reporter asked the couple to tell the world how they had become engaged:

"It was in the Misty Palms Oasis, after a run-in with a nasty gang of sandbenders," Aang answered.

"That was when we committed ourselves to nonviolence, and each other," the waterbending master finished the story, gazing at her husband with admiration.

That was a detail that might strike at the Fire Lord's heart, Raiden knew. Her scheme to kidnap Katara's brother had resulted in exactly the opposite of what she had intended: it had drawn the couple closer together rather than breaking them up.

The article made Raiden feel as if he knew Aang and Katara personally; he sympathized with the difficulties they had overcome and wished them the best life could offer them. But his questions had gone entirely unanswered. To Raiden's frustration, the airbender and waterbender had somehow managed to recount the events of their courtship without reference to the current Fire Lord at all. He wondered if Aang had left Azula out as a kindness, to protect her reputation in the world. Perhaps he meant to send her a message about how she had no place in his story, or maybe he had simply forgotten about the aborted engagement, as if it were unimportant, even compared to some of the trivial things he had discussed in the interview.

Ultimately, the article didn't help him judge Azula. Whatever had happened between her and the Avatar was none of his business, as unsatisfying as that fact was. Still, he had to wonder now whether she was even capable of having any kind of healthy relationship. He told himself that it didn't matter, because he was sure she would never notice him, not in that way. Still, something felt empty about loving a woman who might not be able to love anyone. More than anything, he wanted her to be happy, but perhaps that was impossible.

Azula dreamed of Zuko talking to a badgerfrog. When he finished his strange, one-sided conversation, he went to an upside-down place, where he found Aang, Katara, her brother, and, inexplicably, Toph Beifong. He was begging them to join their group, like some pathetic nerd trying to join the popular crowd at school. They said no at first, but after that combustion-bending assassin nearly killed them all, they accepted the Fire prince with warnings, jokes, and indifference.

Suddenly the dream changed, and she was in a curtained space to the side of the stage where she'd been crowned. Aang was there, and they were both wearing formal robes. A ceremony was about to begin. They mused about the past, and about how things were vastly different now, a wound between them beginning to heal.

She woke up smiling. Surely that last dream was a good sign: her apologies would be accepted, or at least, Aang wouldn't hate her forever. The sun streaming through her windows gave her energy, as it always did for firebenders, and she was sure she would be back to her usual good form. Ready to have her first strong practice since her trip to Yu Dao, she jogged eagerly out to the training field.

Azula began with hot squats and basic fire-jabs. Though her body felt strong and her chi flowed, the easy exercises didn't work. Disconcerted, she switched to target practice. She pointed two fingers to direct her fire knives at the dummy, thrusting her arms with all her might. Nothing happened. She tried flips and kicks with fire streams. Her leaps arced gracefully, her form correct as ever, but her hands and feet trailed no flame.

Alarmed now, she stopped her exercise and stood staring at her open palm, concentrating with all her might on creating the smallest flicker. Inexplicably, the Fire Lord found herself unable to conjure even a spark.

Her firebending was gone.

Author's Note: What do you think of this new development? Tell me in a review! I appreciate every one! Next chapter in one week. It's one of my favorites of the whole story!