A/N: WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
THIS WAS A DOUBLE UPDATE!
PLEASE ENSURE YOU HAVE READ THE PREVIOUS CHAPTER (276) BEFORE READING THIS CHAPTER! :'D
Southern Air Temple/Secret Writings
6
"I'm sorry I dragged you along with me, I actually expected more material than that…" Song told Renkai as they walked together through the Palace corridors.
They had only just left her room, where she had stored her new set of ingredients for mixing Azula's remedies and tonics. About half of them were meant to ease her pregnancy symptoms, the others would be used to fight back against the consequences of the corruption and the shoulder injury she still needed to overcome. Her demanding personality, it seemed, had daunted Fei Rou enough that he had provided her with everything she had requested, even if on small quantities, so she wouldn't lose her temper with him again. Song had felt slightly guilty, if just slightly, for pushing the man's anxiety that far… it was obvious he, as well, hadn't gone undamaged by the Fire Lord's endless vitriol and fury. The consequences for Ozai's actions were felt on every level of Fire Nation society, Song supposed, if on different measures… but even so, Fei Rou's wrongs towards Azula shook off whatever compassion she felt towards the man. She hardly could hold back her outrage, even now, after she'd learned he had sent no one to help Azula recover during the first month since her wretched wedding, let alone the weeks that had preceded it… even if Azula wouldn't have taken kindly to assistance, the lack of it, and his unwillingness to offer any solutions, would never sit well with Song.
"It's quite alright," Renkai said, nodding in her direction. "You couldn't have known how much work it would be. It was no problem."
"You're so gracious and kind, Captain Renkai. Thank you," Song said, smiling at him. He bit his lip, glancing at her through the slits of his helmet.
"You… needn't call me by that title. If you don't want to," he said, softly. Song snorted.
"And why not, Captain Renkai?" she said, hands behind her back. "You ought to be forcing everyone to use your rank to address you, if anything. They might just take your authority for granted unless you remind them of it…"
"They…? Who's they…?" Renkai asked, raising an eyebrow before shaking his head. "You know what I mean, though…"
"No, I honestly don't," Song said, though she glanced at Renkai with a gentle smile… one that let her true self shine through. Renkai gritted his teeth at the sight of it: however different she could seem, even a small glimpse of the young woman he had known before, even if distantly, was another blow that reminded him of so much that had been lost… of so much he had to fight to protect nowadays, including her. "You're Renkai first, yes, but nowadays you're a captain, too. Nothing wrong with accepting that, is there?"
"If you don't think so… then I suppose not," Renkai whispered, softly. "If it doesn't make you uncomfortable to address me that way, it's alright."
"Good, because it doesn't," Song declared, beaming bright: Wen was back, and Renkai, despite himself, smiled for it.
They had marched together back to Azula's room, and Renkai would stand guard outside it again, as he ever did. Whether it was a duty he had chosen for himself, or one the General had imposed upon him, Song wasn't quite sure which it was just yet, but he seemed to spend most his time standing there. She bit her lip and nudged him gently with an elbow.
"You know… you could get a chair, maybe," she suggested. "If you really have to stand out there all day…"
"A… chair? I… no. That would be unnecessary, but thank you for your kindness," Renkai said, shaking his head promptly. Song chuckled.
"Fine, then, fine. Let me know if you change your mind: we could take out one of the chairs in the dining room, we don't even use half of them," she said, with a leisurely shrug.
Finally, they stopped at the crimson door: Song wasn't surprised to hear no noise inside the room, considering she had left Azula with Rei… the younger woman was typically silent unless coaxed to speak, and as much as Azula's mood had improved over time, Song doubted she'd be up for spurring Rei into boisterous conversation for the sake of it. Still, Song hoped to make matters livelier once she convinced them all to play Mahjong together someday, as she had promised Rei they would. They weren't quite ready for it yet, she supposed, but with the progress Azula had made lately, it might happen sooner than expected…
"Have a good evening," Renkai said, reaching to open the door for Song. She smiled and nodded graciously at him when a soft gasp inside the room, in Rei's voice, reached them.
"I'll still see you on my way out, so… you could have saved that for later," she said, with a shrug. Renkai blushed under his helmet but nodded, keeping his hand on the doorknob as Song entered the room.
She realized something was wrong as soon as she crossed that threshold.
It wasn't quite Rei's earlier gasp, or the vacancy of Azula's bed… it wasn't just the bare desk, bereft of the studious young woman that typically sat on it at these hours. If anything, it was a blend of all those elements, as well as a strangely heavy, unsettling atmosphere inside the room…
The source of which became obvious to Song quickly enough: Rei gazed at her in chagrin and desperation, a hand on the shoulder of a crouched, hunched Princess, kneeling before a tall bookshelf.
"Azu-…?" Song started: immediately, her body froze over upon realizing that, in the face of whatever distress they were facing, she had disregarded her Wen persona carelessly, just now. She shouldn't have shown that much familiarity with Azula, they'd always agreed on that, and Rei was looking at her, she had heard her…
And Azula needed her. Whatever was happening, Azula needed her.
There was no way to return to her Wen persona now: Song strode up, fast and strong, to Azula's free side. Rei followed her with her gaze, apparently disregarding Song's near calling of the Princess's name, so concerned and afraid she was… she glanced at Renkai next, who still stood by the door, perplexed, it seemed… yet he also appeared to decide he had no part to play in this situation. He nodded in Rei's direction, then ducked away, closing the door once more and leaving the three women to themselves.
"What happened?" Song asked, her voice serious and stern as she knelt beside Azula: she placed a hand on the Princess's nape just as Rei started to answer, nervously.
"I… I asked if I could borrow an abacus, but…" Rei said: Song's eyes drifted towards the clutter of papers and found, indeed, that there was an abacus underneath them, and it seemed quite a beautifully crafted abacus…
Yet, much as it had been for Azula, the calculation tool went disregarded entirely when her eyes fell upon the familiar handwriting of her former housemate.
She gasped too: she could tell these were haiku immediately even without reading them thoroughly. Ages ago, so long ago it was hard to remember, she had suggested Sokka ought to write poetry for the Princess's birthday, and he had dismissed the idea because she'd only make fun of him, much as she had made fun of his older haiku…
"A-Azula…" she called her: her name only seemed to break the Princess further, shaking her with a spree of sobs she couldn't seem to contain. "Oh, Azula…"
Rei watched in a blend of amazement and confusion as Wen's arms wrapped around the Princess's shape with a strange, perplexing familiarity and ease. There was no sign of hesitation from the midwife… no sign of rejection, either, from the Princess. Somehow, Wen's presence seemed to somehow encourage the Princess's tears further, as she dropped her head against Wen's chest helplessly.
"Now, now… it's okay. It's okay… I know, I know it hurts…" Wen was saying… and were there tears in her eyes, too? There were, Rei could see them: why? What on earth was the meaning of this? Did Wen simply have a knack for crying when others did, or…?
Or was Wen capable of understanding the meaning of these papers while Rei remained mostly oblivious to what they were?
"I… I forgot, I…" Azula suddenly said, her voice frayed, weak, shriller than Rei had ever heard it before. "I left them there… I'm so fucking stupid, I…"
"You're not, okay? Everything's… everything's full of memories. Don't blame yourself," Song replied, firmly. She rubbed Azula's back gently, hoping to ease her, but suspecting she would fail to do so: there would be no easing Azula at all when she was as distraught as this.
Azula clenched her jaws, unable to stop the torrent of tears that rushed out in droves. Song sighed, rubbing her arm gently, reassuringly, shaking her head as Azula failed to speak any full sentences, anything but dismissive words at herself. As ever, her grief overwhelmed her, consumed her, chasing away every foothold she thought she had safely anchored herself to… and now she fell, freely, back into the pits of darkness, into the depths of sorrow she hardly had the strength to fight against anymore…
Perhaps there was no point in fighting it, truth be told.
She was tired. She was so tired of fighting her pain, so tired of keeping herself together, of doing her best to close her eyes, to move forward, to leave the best years of her life in the past: it could never be in her past, it could never be forgotten. She would grieve for what she'd lost, for every damn day she had yet to live… she would never be able to move on, not truly, not completely. Maybe there would be better days, sometimes… but these sorts of situations would happen again and again, unless…
Unless she just gave in and let herself mourn completely, fully, giving herself to her sorrow. No more hiding, no more pretending she could set it aside so others wouldn't be burdened by her grief… no more shutting her eyes, closing the curtains, when blaring light could scorch right through them, all the way into her very soul:
She missed Sokka.
She needed Sokka.
She would feel that way for every moment, for every day until they were reunited, whether in this life or the next.
A soft wail left her, as she clasped the haiku harder, pulling it close… no longer pushing it away. Song sighed, gritting her teeth as she cradled Azula in her arms: she had acted similarly, felt similarly, when Lo and Li had given her Rui Shi's letters. These, however, were letters from the past, messages from a long-gone memory, of something Azula already had cherished enough to keep… and now she cherished it all the more, after its value had increased vastly in the wake of Sokka's absence.
She really had tried to move on… she had done her best not to let her life's changes get to her. But it seemed those simple words written so long ago, innocent and careless as they always had been, had finally pushed her to a breaking point. As things stood, Song would hold her, she would support her through this, however difficult it might be… but amending a heart as broken as Azula's would be no easy task. Nothing, so far, had amended Song's heart either… but where she had been so much freer to mourn and grieve, Azula had been struck by disgrace after disgrace, by hard choices upon hard choices: she had been able to block her past and focus on her present, so far… but not anymore. Not after this.
"I'm here…" Song whispered, barely even knowing what she was saying. "We're here for you, Azula. Just… let it all out."
Rei swallowed hard as she watched the two women beside her: her hand had long left the Princess's shoulder, upon which she'd set it before. As much as her heart broke along with Azula's, without even understanding why… as much as she wanted nothing but to turn back time, return to the casual tea drinking, to the happy conversations, to forget about her damn request for an abacus, she couldn't quite help it when her mind dared reason with the reality before her…
Wen had changed completely, just now. The comforting woman who held the Princess didn't seem to have anything in common with the talkative midwife from merely a half hour ago. Even the way she spoke had changed… the way she wouldn't refer to the Princess by rank but by name, with the closeness of a friend, rather than that of an employee…
It wasn't the first time she'd thought something was odd about them. Rei was shy by nature, she struggled to connect with others… so she knew that the Princess might just have it easier to befriend someone else, someone a lot more outgoing than Rei herself. And yet… there was a strange layer of familiarity between them that didn't seem quite right in two people who had known each other for less time than Rei and Azula had.
However puzzled Rei was by Azula's countless mysteries… now she found herself pondering if perhaps Lady Wen herself was another mystery to unravel. If there was more to her than met the eye, if she knew much more than she had been willing to reveal on the day she had shared all those rumors about the Princess's disgraces…
Yet, for now, Rei's suspicions would have to stay on the back of her mind: the priority right now was comforting the Princess, and Rei knew she'd have to follow Wen's lead to achieve that, no matter what mysteries might dwell behind the strange closeness between the two women. Still, there was, perhaps, one small thing she could offer, for the Princess's sake…
"Should I… make some more tea?" Rei asked, softly. Wen raised her eyes towards her, quickly, before nodding once.
"Please, Rei," said the midwife, still cradling the Princess safely in her arms. She let out a deep, sorrowful sigh as she tightened an embrace around the crying woman's body, right before voicing her only certainty upon returning to this room: "We have a long night ahead of us."
The returning footsteps of the guru and the Avatar weren't all that loud, but they resounded in the vast silence of the Southern Air Temple all the same. Sokka woke with a start upon hearing them, startling his sister too as she nestled against him. Katara groaned, rubbing her eyes as Zuko and Kino awakened as well: a moment later, all four of them seemed to realize Aang was finally back.
"It took us some time… but it is done!" Guru Pathik announced, with far more enthusiasm and confidence than Aang, beside him, seemed to feel. The Avatar offered the others a weak smile, rubbing his eyes with the heel of his hand.
"Good. Took you a while, Aang," Zuko sighed, rising to his feet. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine…" Aang answered, averting his gaze from the exiled Prince's own. "Well, as fine as I can be, all things considered. The past Avatars… they bear guilt of their own, and I guess in some way, they've lost control of it. Maybe Sokka's right about a lot of things… and that's why they're acting this way. So… I'll try not to let their guilt, or mine, control me any longer. If I'm going to be the Avatar, I have to learn to look past what's expected of me and to take in what I truly am meant to do."
"Uh… good, I guess," Zuko said, blinking blankly at Aang's unusual bout of seriousness. He wouldn't behave like this forever, would he…? The usually cheerful Air Nomad still appeared sad, though he certainly had calmed down, at least.
"If that's done, then I guess Aang should get some rest while the rest of us get to work with breakfast, or whatever…" Sokka said, before yawning.
"Rest? Oh, no!" the guru said, smiling and shaking his head. "No more resting, not until your next chakra is open!"
"Wait, really? Right away?" Sokka asked, grimacing.
"He won't even let you catch your breath, Aang…?" Kino asked, nudging the Avatar gently: Aang offered him a sad smile and shook his head.
"The sooner this is done, the better, remember?" Aang said. "If he thinks we should go for it now… then I don't think we should dawdle."
"If you're sure…" Kino pouted, as Pathik smiled at the group, hands on his hips.
"It's necessary to do it now, too: the sunrise is the ideal moment of the day to open the fire chakra."
Sokka's heart immediately jolted at those words. He guessed they'd see chakras for each element, yes… but he shouldn't have been quite so foolish as to cling to the fire chakra so much, should he? Perhaps it wouldn't be a good chakra for him at all – not because fire made him think of Azula, immediately, did it mean he'd do well at the next stage of their spiritual journey – but he deeply hoped it would be.
The sleepy group – including a Katara so groggy Sokka had to ferry her carefully, hands on her shoulders – advanced to a long, natural walkway at the heights of the temple. By the time they reached it, the dark skies above were starting to brighten up. Sokka had no doubts the sun would be above the horizon by the time they finally unlocked this chakra properly.
"And here we are!" Pathik announced, taking his seat facing the east. The others followed his example amid yawns and groans. "Now, now, no time of the day is more powerful than the sunrise!"
"Can't say I feel all that powerful," Katara said, grimacing as she tried not to slouch while sitting down. "We didn't even have breakfast yet."
"Oh, I shall prepare some more onion-and-banana juice after this chakra is well and truly open," Pathik declared, beaming. "The fire chakra is located in the stomach, so it should certainly open your appetites plenty!"
"For… onion-and-banana juice? Heh," Katara smiled awkwardly, deciding not to protest… while also hoping she wouldn't have to drink another drop of that odd concoction.
After a moment of silence, in which the breeze toyed with their clothes and hair – or their beard, in Pathik's case –, rustling the branches of many nearby, dry trees, finally the sun began to shine. The guru drew in a deep breath while his companions gratefully enjoyed the sun's warmth on that cold morning.
"This chakra deals with willpower… with everything you're capable of, and your ability to reach the heights you aren't even fully conscious of," the guru explained. Despite his previous attempts to control his foolish thoughts, Sokka couldn't help but smile upon hearing those words… it did sound like the kind of chakra Azula would be an absolute master of. "It is blocked by shame."
Huh. Or maybe not.
"Shame? Isn't that… the same as guilt?" Zuko asked, grimacing. "I'm pretty sure I'm ashamed of the things I'm guilty of…"
"The same? Not quite. Similar? Yes! And it is very important of you to notice this," Pathik smiled. "Every chakra is connected, it flows into the next one! Therefore… let it all flow together. If the source of your shame is also the source of your guilt… by all means, acknowledge them, discover your truth and live it, as best you can."
Zuko blinked blankly but didn't reply, still slightly perplexed by what this new stage of opening their chakras entailed. Guilt… shame? He was ashamed of a few things, maybe…
"I'm ashamed of not having been better when I could have been, I suppose," Kino blurted out: again, he faced the challenge of the chakras by speaking out loud, causing the others to feel even more self-aware than they already did. "When I was younger, I was raised by the Fire Nation into believing all sorts of awful things that… that I didn't reason with until I met Aang and Katara. Then, I regretted my past… I felt bad for ever believing the things I did, even if I know it wasn't really my fault, because I was only taught to live my life this way. Yet… in my ignorance, even my innocence, I couldn't tell apart the truth from the lies all that easily. But… after everything, I've learned to accept that my past doesn't define my future, somehow."
"Very good, very good," Pathik smiled. "You truly are a natural, young man."
Kino grinned, wiggling in place. Despite their perplexity at his strange affinity for unlocking chakras, the others smiled at their friend as well.
"So much for thinking I was some sort of spiritual genius… I think you're way better at it than I am, Kino," Aang grinned, closing his eyes and releasing a breath. "I'm… ashamed of running away as often as I have. Of not standing my ground when I should have. I'm ashamed of my fears… because they've stopped me from taking action when I should have. I'm ashamed of the times I've hurt others without knowing it. In the end… I guess I'm also ashamed of my own ignorance, the way Kino is. Of not understanding or thinking about things as thoroughly as others do. I'm ashamed of not knowing all the things I'm expected to know… I am, after all, the Avatar. But I don't know if I can be this great bridge between spirits and humans, even if I do keep on following this path… I don't know if I have it in me to do so."
"You should be ready to accept all parts of yourself, Aang," Pathik said, nodding in his direction. "It is good of you to reflect on this: now, understand that your potential is only limited by whatever boundaries you set for yourself. A banyan tree's roots can spread far and wide and its branches will grow high into the heavens if they can: our biggest foil is our own determination to see an obstacle where there isn't one!"
"So… my shame is my foil," Aang reasoned, with a small smile. "If I'm ashamed… it's up to me to let go of those mistakes, of what I've failed at, and look to amending them later, like Kino did?"
"Indeed. Not because you tripped and fell once does it mean you're eternally fated to only trip and fall," Guru Pathik said, smiling kindly at Aang, who nodded gratefully.
Sokka, sitting at the end of the group, drew in a sharp breath: it was so easy to see this chakra from an unexpected point of view… now that the others had spoken, he wondered if perhaps he had opened this chakra long ago, without his awareness.
"I'm definitely ashamed of several things," he admitted. "I'm aware of the fact that I can hurt those I love, I've been aware of it forever now. I'm ashamed of having let my life spiral out of control, the way it did a few months ago… ashamed of not proving strong enough to defeat the soldiers that attacked me that night. If only I had… I might have caused less grief to the one I love most. I did my best to survive and endure, but I do wish I had been stronger, better… that I had somehow recognized the dangers beforehand and protected her before anyone could reach her.
"Then again… I've learned to live with that shame. I've forced myself to drag it with me, even when I have done my best not to repeat the worst mistakes I made. My shame is… it's a reminder of the worst of me. Of the wrongs I have to right. And that has driven me forward for as long as I can remember: I never allowed that shame hold me back, I've never stopped fighting to better myself in every way I could. I've learned to bear with the darkness I'm capable of, with the horrors I've seen and even committed… because I know that I fight for more than just myself. Because others need me… they need the best of me. Because this is the only way to honor those who have made countless sacrifices for my sake… because this is the only way I know how to stave off the certain shame I'd feel if I didn't try my hardest, if I gave up without pushing every boundary until finding what I'm truly made of."
Everyone remained silent for a moment, and Sokka swore he couldn't quite feel any real changes inside him, after his own round of self-reflection… and yet Pathik smiled and clapped in his direction.
"Well, well! It seems you had this chakra under control. Impressive!" he said. Sokka smiled a little and nodded.
The two remaining group members appeared to struggle more with this chakra than the first three. Eventually, however, Katara clenched her fists and readied herself to face what she had reflected upon:
"I've been short-sighted. Stubborn. It takes me so many efforts to just… to just accept maybe I don't have all the answers, or that maybe my answers aren't already the best ones. A lot of things feel like they're set in stone, and yet they're not: I guess reality is malleable, changing, shifting like water does… maybe even like fire does. In letting my emotions rule me, though, I keep forgetting to see things from others' eyes. Most my mistakes… that's their source. And I know I should do better, but the truth is… I've only just recently started to realize just how bad I am about all this. It must have been obvious to everyone else… but I guess I let the very worst of my emotions fester inside me, control me without my awareness, and somehow it feels like it might be too late to set myself on a better path now…"
"Oh, no. It is never too late," Guru Pathik smiled. "Every day provides us all a new opportunity to start on a new path, young lady. When you're ready to take it, to set aside your uncertainties, your fears, your guilt and your shame… by then, you will be able to raise your head proudly, knowing you have overcome the trappings of your past, and knowing you can always be better, do better, in the future."
Katara breathed in, letting the Guru's words dawn on her. She smiled after a moment, raising her head indeed.
"I can do better. I can be better," she spoke, proudly. "And I will be… I will tear down my own walls and break my limits."
"Precisely," Guru Pathik said, beaming.
Only Zuko remained… and he appeared to still be as confused and unsure of what this particular chakra entailed, upon hearing the others talk, as he was before the Guru explained anything. His shame? He had so much to be ashamed of, but… how much of it blocked his possibilities, his chances to be a better person? He wanted to think he was a bit like Sokka, that he hadn't allowed his shame to drag him down… but hadn't he?
"If your shame has had a stronger bearing on your life than you expect… perhaps you need to look deeper to find its root," Guru Pathik spoke. Zuko grimaced, eyes closed tightly… so tightly the burn across his face sent a light sting under his skin.
He tightened his fists, uneasy… uncertain, even now, that this might be the right answer. Yet…
"I'm ashamed of… of not fighting back," he said. The others glanced at him, watching him with uncertainty. "Of… of letting my father burn me without retaliation. I'm ashamed of not seeing him for what he was from the start… of vying for his attention and approval when it was clear he would never grant it to me. But above that… it's clear I deserved better than that, too. He… he was a terrible father, both to me and my sister. He's the worst man in the world, as far as anyone can tell… and yet I wanted to be his perfect son, and it never crossed my mind just how much I had to sacrifice in order to become that. I nearly hurt the woman I love, she nearly turned against me… all because of how deeply blinded I was by my father's wretched demands and expectations. I was ready to send Aang, someone who has become one of my best friends, to his death… all be it to satisfy him. I was wrong to ever think highly of him… wrong to ever let him shape me into the man I became. There were so many others around me who were much more valuable, who helped me far more than he ever could…"
"This shame you feel…" Guru Pathik said. "It's lined with resentment, not only at your father, but at yourself. Your disappointment in your past choices, just as it was with the others, does not need to become an overwhelming pit of anxiety… instead, it can serve as a guideline. Awareness of your mistakes and proper reflection upon them can aid you in not repeating them anew."
"I don't want to repeat them… but I'm scared I might," Zuko admitted, clenching his fists. "His influence… it's stronger than I realized, stronger than I know. When I thought I'd broken the cycle, when I confronted him, I… I still wound up caught in his web, acting like a fool, all because of the garbage he put inside my head. It… it probably has caused me more damage than I realized. I've lived with this shame for this long… and it's made me cowardly. It made me hold back in many moments when I shouldn't have. I acted shamefully, making wrong choices, all be it so I could assure myself, somewhere, deep down, that I… that I wasn't going to become my father. That his influence would no longer reach me. But in the end…"
"His influence might remain encroached and locked around your heart… but only if you let it," Guru Pathik spoke. Zuko breathed out, leaning forward as he tried to handle the swirling emotions this chakra was suddenly evoking – from not understanding it, at first, now it seemed he understood it far too well. "Your father's terrible lessons… they've hurt you in more ways than just the physical. He damaged your willingness to open yourself to others… to let someone else look after you, out of fear of being vulnerable, I expect. Now, upon thinking on it, you find there's so much more damage underneath the surface… and perhaps you realize your choices have been rooted in shame for so long, to the point where you hardly could recognize that as one of your motivations, for it feels that natural to you, that familiar…"
"I… I guess so," Zuko admitted, visibly distraught. "I want to be proud of who I am, of what I've done, but… I don't know if I can be. I'm proud of my family, my daughters, but… not of myself."
"It isn't pride you should seek: that, as well, is your father's influence speaking through you," the Guru said. Zuko grimaced, rubbing his forehead with his fingertips. "Honor, on the other hand…"
"Heh. At this point, I have no idea what the word really means," Zuko spat out, shaking his head. Guru Pathik laughed and shook his head.
"Oh, I think you do: someone you carry in your heart has taught you more than you ever had understood about honor, hasn't she?"
Zuko's eyes widened: Suki's image manifested inside his mind. Suddenly, he found himself walking through their entire history anew, as good as watching it before his eyes: the honorable fighter he had been dazed by in the Arena, the distraught young woman who had killed a man for the first time in her life, yet even if it was out of necessity, she couldn't seem to let go of her compassion for the man and sorrow over her choices. After the hellish experiences she had endured, she had still found a way to raise her head high… to live her life however she could, even if fears and horrors still haunted her at every turn. He had wanted to help her… he had done so. He had become a source of emotional support for her, someone she could hold onto while she found her bearings… but she had never clung to him with mindless, thoughtless desperation. Even when she had rushed to him, when he had been about to leave… she had done as much with a clarity of heart, mind and purpose he had never experienced. She had been at peace with herself, with her choices…
Suki was the epitome of honor, wasn't she? And so… she lived her life without shame. She lived her life without the fear of mistakes Zuko never seemed to outgrow. His caution went back to that… hers obeyed another logic. She protected others, she fought for others… she lived her life to the fullest every day, no matter if all she could do were chores. She didn't complain, she simply did her duty… duty. Was that part of it, too? Was that why he was constantly, frequently, lost? He had a duty to his family, and he hardly knew whether he served them better here than at home… he was the one who would provide food, the one who ensured the igloo wouldn't collapse by maintaining it frequently. That willingness to fulfill his duties… was that something he had learned through Suki, without his awareness? He hadn't ever thought that hunting trips were a pain, or pointless… his frustrations while building their igloo were merely a matter of impatience that he had set aside sooner than later. When it came to his family… he felt no shame. If anything, he had always felt at peace… he had always thought of them ahead of himself, just as Suki thought of everyone else's wellbeing instead of her own.
Duty and honor. She embodied both concepts… it suited her roots as a Kyoshi Warrior, Zuko suspected. He smiled, a tear spilling down his cheek, and he rubbed it off with the back of his hand quickly.
"Honor… huh?" he said, biting his lip. "Choosing a path, walking it faithfully, not for my sake, but for those I care for. Honesty, too? Living without subterfuge, without hiding who I am… without hiding it from others or from myself?"
"What possible shame could there be in being you?" Pathik asked, with a smile. "If your father believed you shamed him… it was his own shame that plagued him, and he failed to recognize it for what it was. Your value was never in question, young man: you simply had to recognize and live up to your greatest potential as best as you possibly could. You had to trust your instincts… to let your heart guide you, to set aside so many unnecessary burdens you've allowed to pile upon you. In many ways, you had already succeeded at setting some of them aside… so you are already on your way. Cut loose all those burdens… and let yourself be free at last, Prince Zuko."
He took in a shaky breath… he released it. Then another, and he raised his head.
The sunlight seemed to bathe him… and it seemed the first time he let the glow, the warmth, reach under his skin and touch his heart: suddenly his chest flared… it was his inner fire. In that instant, Zuko let himself smile freely, regardless of the tears he had shed… he let himself live a sudden truth, one he hadn't truly been prepared to face.
He was finished hiding in the shadows of his mistakes, of his perceived failings, of the unfairness of his circumstances. He could let go of his resentment and hatred for those who had wronged him. He could simply look inwards, for once… and not see a small, terrified child who couldn't face the world alone. He wasn't alone… but even if he were, he had strength and courage to choose his own path. He knew what was right and what was wrong… and he wouldn't live in fear of his father for one more day.
He was Zuko. It didn't matter whether he was a prince or not… he was Zuko. And there was nothing wrong with being himself, just as he was.
"Oh, my!" Pathik laughed, watching Zuko with amazement. "That was quite the breakthrough! A firebender's fire chakra certainly should be open, for his own sake… and now yours is almost overflowing!"
Zuko laughed… a casual, careless laugh, of the sort he usually reserved for Suki alone. The sort that he only felt safe to let out when he was with her. When he was at peace… when he was at his best self: when he was the man Suki had always known and believed he could be. Perhaps it was time to be that man at all times, as best he could, not merely for Suki's sake… but for Zuko's own sake. Suki was certainly an example to follow in countless ways she surely wouldn't be aware of, but just as he had done his best to offer her every helping hand, every shred of support he could, she did the same for him… and she did it now, too, no matter how far away she might be.
"Wonderful, then! All fire chakras are successfully open!" Pathik announced, beaming: the sun had already risen thrice its height over the horizon, but even so, it seemed to be the chakra the whole group had opened most easily. "Now… more onion-and-banana juice!"
"Really? Is that all we can do for breakfast?" Aang asked, with a weak smile.
"I don't mind," Zuko chuckled: the others glanced at him judgmentally, and he only smiled proudly at his words.
"Even owning up to your weird tastes in food, are you?" Sokka smiled. "Well, good for you, Zuko. Good for you."
The group returned to the courtyard where their supplies waited: while the guru allowed them to have some breakfast, he insisted that they would have to drink the onion-and-banana juice once they were done with the food. Again, Kino and Katara seemed disgusted with the taste, Sokka and Aang seemed ambivalent towards it, and Zuko made no attempt to hide his liking of the odd flavor combination anymore.
"Say… I've been a bit confused so far about how you see through us so easily," Kino told the guru as they followed him to their next destination in the Southern Air Temple. "I get that it's some spiritual thing, but… back when we started out, we didn't speak our fears aloud, right? Yet you saw through them just as easily as if we had…"
"Oh, young man," Pathik smiled, glancing at him wistfully. "We are all connected. Energy… it binds us. It swirls everywhere. I can read through yours, through that of your friends… thus, I can see the strife, the hardships, the bliss and the joy: I can sense and understand all of which dwells in your hearts, even if not as completely as I could if I were in direct contact with you, but still…"
"Woah. That sounds crazy," Kino gasped. "Can I learn to do that?"
"Maybe! With lots of practice!" Pathik beamed.
"Then it's not like you've been making lucky guesses so far?" Sokka smirked. "That would've been the funnier explanation…"
"It would have been! But I'm afraid not," the guru said, with a self-satisfied smirk. Sokka shook his head but smiled, keeping up with the old man's pace.
Finally, they reached their new destination: up in the heights of the tallest towers of the temple stood another set of beautiful statues shaped as notable airbenders, it seemed. Aang sighed as he recognized Yangchen's figure, but he didn't let her scare him away: he had finally understood the toll his guilt took upon him, upon his possibilities… and he wouldn't let it continue to do so, not if he could help it. The best step to avoid that was, of course, to face that guilt head-on and let go of his failings, relinquish his shame… accept himself, just as he was.
"Very well, gather round…!" said the guru, taking his seat at the foot of one of the statues. The breeze would blow powerfully in the open space, between the tall pillars that decorated the beautiful, open courtyard. "The next chakra is the air chakra, and it is located in the heart. I suspect some of you may have it, uh, half-open, perhaps? Most of you have experienced love, after all…"
"It's the chakra of love?" Aang repeated, perking up upon hearing those words. Pathik nodded sagely.
"The love we give and receive, yes," Pathik said. "Love can move us to do great things, it cannot be denied: there are countless forms of love as well, the love we feel for our families and our friends is no lesser than that which we feel for a lover unless we choose to make it so. Love is a form of energy… it swirls around us, it is part of us, just as every other chakra. But while it can come easily to some, it can also vanish just as quickly: the air chakra deals with love, and it is blocked by grief."
Immediately, Sokka clenched his fists over his knees, sitting cross-legged across the guru. Zuko, beside him, let out a deep sigh. Katara, on his other side, tensed up as well, and Aang, at Katara's right, frowned mournfully at those words. All of them had experienced great love… and just so, great grief that matched said love perfectly.
"Do let yourselves reflect on this chakra, my friends… I understand it may be another painful experience, but it is needed, for all of you," Pathik said. "Those who have grieved and mourned the most… they are the ones who most need to remember that love is no lesser just because it was lost."
His words struck a chord in Sokka, who closed his eyes, frowning painfully…
No, the love he'd lost was no lesser just because he and Azula were apart: the image he ever evoked in his heart's eye, the woman upon whom he'd stake his whole existence, if need be… there she was, gazing at him with a heartfelt smile, with those golden eyes that seemed to shine their brightest when she laid them upon him. Her hand rose, and gold flames burst from her hand, twirling over her fingers… the fire of their love, a fire born from every moment they had shared, every heartbeat that pulsed at unison… every swirl of energy that danced together, at the same rhythm, in the same pattern, mimicking each other until they merged, until their very essences were one and the same…
And then she faded away.
Sokka yelped, unaware that he'd raised his hand to reach for her. He had grown unaware of his surroundings, of the world near him, all be it because he was swept up by her, caught in his need of her so acutely he could barely breathe…
"Stay calm. Your grief… it is great, almost overwhelming. Sometimes… sometimes you fear it might overcome you, for a loss so near and dear to you, so vivid that you still bleed from it, cannot be forsaken and forgotten. It is what guided you this far… isn't it? Grief… grief for so many you've lost, not only her. For your family, for your Tribe, for your lost friend… for every man you ever had to slay in battle. For everyone you sent a lantern for…"
Sokka clenched his fists tighter yet, his whole body shaking: each loss the guru spoke of seemed to pile on top of the one that hurt the most. So much he had lost… so much that was gone, and he couldn't let go of, even so.
Zuko, next to him, gritted his teeth: it wasn't only the grief he felt for those the Tribe had lost, or the grief he felt upon being away from Suki, Mari and Zi… it was the grief he hadn't quite wanted to acknowledge so far, the grief he felt over the Fire Nation, over his lost connection to his people. The grief he felt over his cousin's demise… the grief he felt over his uncle's choices, whatever they had been. Grief for the sake of the sister who had to face the weight of the world alone…
Grief for the mother he had never found again, whom he deeply, desperately hoped would still live.
Similar thoughts crossed Katara's mind: her mind immediately rushed to Kya, and she had the most vivid vision of her mother as she closed her eyes. Her chest ached, tears burned down her cheeks, and just as fast as she had come, she was gone again… just as Siku and Yuro's child. Just as all those villagers, warriors, whether experienced or not, that she had tried to save, but all her waterbending healing hadn't been enough to keep them alive. So much grief seemed to eat away at her, for everything she loved and lost and everything she feared she might yet lose if she didn't fight, tooth and nail, to ensure it wouldn't be ripped away violently, as all those lost lives had been…
Aang breathed deeply, trembling at the powerful vision of so many Air Nomads, of so many mentors and friends, all of whom had looked to him with hope, who had treated him with kindness, raising him to be an open-hearted Avatar… a vision of the old friends he'd lost of the Southern Water Tribe, like Toki, or of the Fire Nation, like Kuzon… and all of them faded away, just as easily as they had for him, in reality. Within the space of moments, he had as good as been transported over a hundred years into the future, and he had found himself utterly lost upon being unable to reclaim so much that was now out of his reach…
"The love you felt for them, and the love they felt for you… it is a form of energy, like I said. It exists, it swirls… it flows inside you, and it dwells inside your heart. No matter how great the loss might have been… that energy has touched you and changed you. The pain you feel will flow away… but the love will remain, and it will be reborn into new love."
Aang and Katara tensed up suddenly, at the same time, upon hearing those words: their minds supplied them, immediately, with thoughts of each other. Where they had lost so much… they had still found new valuable bonds to protect. Such as the bond they shared…
They opened their eyes to find themselves gazing at each other. Katara's lips slowly shifted into a smile, as did Aang's. Their cheeks sported tears… yet they knew they had certainly found a path to see the love they'd been given, the love they'd received, reborn inside their hearts. A deep understanding flowed between them, allowing them to wistfully wonder, for moments, if perhaps their chi, their energy, might be attuning to each other's, much as they'd heard was possible between two people with truly intimate bonds…
"Very good," Pathik spoke: even growing aware of his presence didn't stop Aang and Katara from smiling warmly at each other. Perhaps they had reached the agreement they had… but they had also accepted their love for each other, in doing so. Even if they wouldn't act upon their feelings, even if they would keep it reined in, their love was as true and strong now as it had been when they'd spoken it aloud for the first time, on Appa's saddle.
Zuko breathed deeply, letting the guru's words wash through him: it was strange to feel so much grief over being away from his family, only for his family to be, once again, the answer. A small smile spread over his face as he allowed his heart, his newfound potent inner fire, to surge with the affection he felt for them, no matter how far away they might be. He wished they'd never been apart… but the love he felt for them was renewed, strengthened, every day. He did this for their sake… for the sake of all those he had cherished, all those who cherished him, in turn. Even for those who couldn't have cared less for him, come to think of it… because the world they all fought to create would be a better world for everyone, not just for those he loved. Even so… that love was what guided him, what had pushed him onto this journey: he'd return to Suki when the time was right. She would wait for him… he knew she would. And he would ensure to bring true pride and honor to her when he returned, no matter what.
Sokka let out a heavy breath of his own… yet he remained crouched, his body bent over as he struggled to handle himself against the tide of overwhelming emotions. New love? What on earth was that supposed to mean? He hadn't let go of the love he felt for Azula… nor for anyone he'd lost. His heart belonged to her, and that was why it hurt so badly ever since they'd been torn apart. His grief guided him, in a way… it was entwined so deeply, so closely with the love they'd nurtured that he could barely tell them apart anymore.
"Now, now… perhaps you needn't be so stubborn, my friend," Pathik said. Sokka snarled, failing to see the way out of this particular conundrum. "Love and grief are indeed intermingled deeply inside you… but didn't you live your life as best you could, honoring that love as vividly as possible, Gladiator?"
Somehow, the word seemed to shift the world into focus… to make his heart skip a beat, as a new torrent of images crossed his mind's eye.
Memories of his past… of the life he'd shared with Azula. Of the fights in the Gladiator League, of the training sessions, of the careless, joyful meals they shared with Song and Rui Shi, of the greatest of achievements and successes… of the darkest, hardest moments. They had stood together through it all… they had endured everything the world had thrown at them, until finally they'd been forced to walk different paths.
And yet… the love remained. Grief was love lost… it was the known, inevitable consequence to having loved at all. He had loved so powerfully and passionately, giving himself to Azula in every way that counted: she had done the same for him, and he never had any reason to doubt she loved him just as fiercely as he loved her. They had been matched, equally matched, and…
"And your souls will be entwined for eternity, won't they? Your energy… it is connected to hers, even now."
The words brought Sokka to open his eyes… to raise his head towards the guru in utmost shock, even if he knew that had to be the case. Even if he had hoped so…
"A bond as intimate as yours? You've certainly attuned yourselves to each other far too deeply for distance to do away with that connection," Pathik said, with a heartfelt smile. "Renewal… it doesn't mean discarding. It just means change… repurposing, you could say. Channel the love again… set aside the grief. Let love be your guide… let it inform your choices, your actions, let it build up your strength! For it is the love you received, and the love that you gave, what shaped your life and gave it meaning. Even if you are no longer by her side, even if so many of your loved ones are gone… surely, that love still dwells within you. No doubt you still feel it… don't you?"
Sokka swallowed hard, closing his eyes again as tears slipped through his eyelids…
As another flurry of images crossed his mind: everyone he had lost, everyone he had ever assumed he might never see again, whether torn away from him by death or by circumstance, all of them shot through him in a rush, and he barely could breathe again for a moment, a long moment…
Until it was her, again. Closer to him than before… her hands upon his face, her clear eyes clashing with his own.
He was loved. And he had loved.
He still loved, desperately and deeply… and that love was much stronger than his grief.
She smiled, for just a moment, for just a twinkle of an instant… and the vision faded away. Sokka breathed heavily, trembling as he calmed himself down… as his heart pounded ferociously inside his chest. Maybe he still had some work to do, to truly loosen his grief all the more… but the heavy weights upon his heart seemed to have unclasped their hold around it, if just for now. To think the answer was love… to think it was that simple, yet complicated, and altogether beautiful…
He wiped the tears while letting himself breathe out again… and then he smiled: the love they shared had joined them together, for good. Perhaps as he mourned, as he ached for her, she would be thinking of him, just as well. He lowered his gaze to his right hand, yanking off the glove that concealed most their scar… and he smiled warmly as further tears spilled down his cheeks. No… he wouldn't let go of this love, not even if all were lost. The renewal he experienced now was a fresh breath into his very soul, reminding him that he fought not for pain, not for sorrow… but for the peace, the happiness, the belonging he had found with everyone he loved. With the woman he had loved most, above all else…
Everything he did, he'd do it for love. It was how he'd lived his life so far, whether consciously or not, and he had no intentions of letting that change, or letting himself lose sight of that reality in the future.
"Oh, that was trickier for you, but you've done it! Or, well… most of you have," Pathik said, glancing at Kino with uncertainty: the young man grimaced, blushing as he closed his eyes tightly.
"I'm meditating! I am!" he exclaimed. The others snorted at his obvious failure at meditating on his air chakra, and even Pathik smiled sympathetically at him.
"I suppose it is difficult to connect to this chakra for you…"
"I… have never loved anyone so crazily, I guess," Kino confessed, hanging his head. "I've liked people, and I do love my friends, but… the grief they've been through, I don't really know it? I do feel bad for the people who have died in the war, and that poor baby of Yuro's, and I felt bad for the soldiers who have fought mindlessly and died for stupid reasons, just as I feel terrible for the warriors who died fighting and defending the tribe against them… but I don't think I've ever felt so strongly about something to the point where I couldn't possibly keep going, if that makes sense? I… I don't know…"
"Curiously…" Pathik said, stroking his beard. "You are free from many burdens, far freer than the others. Yet your air chakra… it isn't fully realized, so to speak. The energy flows… but it simply pours through, as good as unaffected by it. I suppose the right way to say it is… you haven't fully awakened it."
"Huh? So… I'm not complete, or something?" Kino asked, grimacing. Pathik laughed and shook his head.
"That's absolutely not the case, my friend," he said. "You have affection in your heart for your friends, above all else… loyalty to them, too. But deep down… you long to experience the kinds of love they have felt, and the vacancy you feel when it comes to that is, in fact, the source of your, uh, muffled grief, so to speak."
"Oh… huh," Kino scratched the back of his head, biting his lip. "So, you think I'm somewhat blocked by my wishes of… of being in a crazy big love affair that hasn't happened?"
"Indeed," Pathik smiled. "You mistakenly assume that's the only kind of love you could be thinking of, when it comes to this chakra… and so, you blocked part of it by the absence of such a bond. Yet… the love you feel, and the love you receive, happen to exist already for you, young man. Learning to recognize it, letting it fill you… that is your task, rather than breaking the grief: value the love you have already been given, for no form of love is more valuable than another unless you choose to make it so."
Kino gasped, impressed by the guru's words. He bit his lip then and closed his eyes… and a smile spread over his face as he let himself think differently… think of the present, rather than the future. Think of the past, too… uh, okay, not really the past. His parents had abandoned him in an orphanage, that hardly sounded like love to him… his fellow soldiers had never paid him any heed and ignored him more often than not. So… love? That wasn't quite what he'd felt then, he had wanted their acceptance and approval and never got either thing…
But he did with the Water Tribe. Even though it seemed most of them hardly had patience for him, on most days… even then, he had a place among them. An odd place, perhaps, and he had definitely been too enthusiastic most times, he had probably tried to woo too many girls to no avail, he had been clingy and persistent with his friends… but they had let him be part of their lives, all the same. Even when Mari had never grown used to him… even then, he loved her. He loved her family, every member of it, no matter if Zuko often scoffed at him, if Gruff did the same thing… he loved Aang too, he was his best friend, his roommate! And Katara, even if she could say the most cutting things ever, she could also be affectionate and kind in unexpected ways, lending a shoulder to lean on, or an ear to listen to his woes when nobody else did. Hakoda, the heroic Chief, and Kanna, the kindly elderly lady who never had anything bad to say about anyone…
Yes, he loved them all. They'd allowed him, a Fire Nation soldier, to become part of their lives, they'd looked after him and protected him… which suggested that they loved him, too.
Perhaps he hadn't found the love of his life yet… and perhaps he wouldn't in the future, either. That shouldn't make his life any less worth living… not as long as he continued to live that life with love, as he had so far, whether consciously or not.
He giggled and opened his eyes again: Pathik laughed and nodded approvingly in his direction… mere instants before the delighted former soldier, with tears blinking in the corners of his eyes, leapt towards his nearest companion and wrapped his arms around him.
"K-Kino! Don't tell me you decided the one you love is me…" Zuko grimaced, attempting to shove off his friend as the others laughed.
"I love all of you! I do! Even if you don't love me back, I love you!" Kino laughed happily, causing Zuko to roll his eyes… though far more affectionately than usual, as he raised a hand to pat his friend's back gently.
Sokka smiled at the awkward, good-natured struggle between the two men to his left. He let out a deep breath, closing his eyes as he gave himself another moment to think, to focus on that connection that still lingered between himself and Azula… a moment to reach out to her somehow with his spirit, if he could do such a thing. He had no idea what he was doing, not really… but as he evoked thoughts of her, one more time, he wanted to push his own energy in her direction. For his unlocked chakras to spur her own to do the same… to open up and release her from the trappings of the chi corruption that had afflicted her so, to help her regain peace in a world where he suspected she'd struggle to find any at all.
For just a fleeting moment, before the guru made them move on to the next chakra, he let himself reach for her… letting her know that, however far apart they might be, their hearts remained joined, and would continue to be bonded in such a way, for eternity.
Hours had passed when her outburst finally ended… and for once in her life, Azula couldn't even feel ashamed of her breakdown. She usually felt dreadful after crying, especially when she cried in front of others, but somehow, that hadn't happened this time. She wasn't entirely sure of why it was the case… but as she lounged in her bed again, she let herself enjoy the lack of self-awareness, for however long it might last.
Song had tended to her, eased her, held her while every tear poured out of her without restraint. Once she started to calm down, she had guided Azula to the bathroom and helped her wash her face, rinsing away the salty remnants of every tear. She had been kind throughout the whole process, reassuring her in every way she could, changing the subject occasionally just to give Azula anything else to think about.
Then, after they stepped outside, Rei had a new batch of tea at the ready. They had gone through that kettle in a heartbeat… then through another one, then Azula had needed to go to the bathroom. She had cried some more, then cleaned up, then cried again, and she had returned to bed with her face rinsed again, with her heart torn to shreds…
And just then, in that moment of strange calm and clarity after her tears had dried, a strange burst of energy seemed to touch her. Nothing had happened, and yet she flinched as though prodded by a subtle spark of lightning. Yet… the lightning was inside her, somehow? Was it another strange pregnancy symptom? It hadn't felt that way, though. If anything… Xin Long? She reached out to him only to learn he was asleep, though what had happened had felt like his mind's connection with hers, to a fault. If it wasn't him, then could it be…?
Oh, she was being foolish, wasn't she? Stupid beyond belief, clinging to fantasies that would likely tear her heart to even smaller pieces than the ones it had already been shattered into…
"Here," Rei's voice broke her out of her self-deprecative, mental tirade. Azula glanced at the young woman, finding she had brought a new batch of tea, trying to offer her the most reassuring smiles she could… smiles filled with fear and uncertainty, though. To this moment, Azula hadn't been able to address a single complex sentence her way… but maybe she'd calmed enough to do so now.
"Thank you," Azula said, reaching for one of the cups. Song took the next one, sitting on Azula's bedside again… and this time, Rei's cup was on the tray as well. She sat down on her chair and set the tray aside before sipping the hot brew slowly.
The Princess threw her head back, closing her eyes again… feeling that strange, surging sensation inside her again. Yet it faded now… it faded entirely, and she found herself missing it now that it was gone. A sigh left her lips as she cradled the cup close to her chest, without tasting it yet.
"You… didn't do anything wrong," Azula said, surprising both Song and Rei. "If you thought you had, Rei… you didn't."
"I… I'm sorry if I worried you," Rei said, grimacing. "I… I want to help, not to be a burden…"
"You're not a burden," Azula said, softly. Rei bit her lip, eyeing Azula with a hopeful gaze. "I'm the one who… who as good as forgot about the trap I set for myself, fool that I was. I… fuck, I should've looked at them more often."
"Them…?" Rei repeated, but it was Song who figured out what Azula's words meant.
"The poems?" she asked. Azula let herself smile humorlessly for a moment before nodding.
"I… told him I'd torment him with them forever," she said. "That I'd blackmail him over his terrible taste in poetry. He never meant for me to read any of them, but I… I happened upon him when he wrote them, on the first time we visited Ba Sing Se, and I read that one. We had to leave in a hurry that time, but on the next visit… I picked up all of them, they'd been kept in storage, so… I gathered them and brought them home. I… I always said they weren't much good, but I still… I still liked them. I did, I always did, and… and I bet he never really knew I did. But, hell… I memorized that one, he knew I did, since the first time I read it. I guess he must have thought I just… just wanted to poke fun at him forever, but the truth is… maybe he was right: my taste for poetry wasn't all that refined, in the end…"
A soft laugh escaped her lips then… accompanied by a tear that she tried to wipe away quickly. Song smiled warmly at her, reaching out to pat her knee gently. Azula sighed, opening her eyes, letting them drift to the ceiling of the four-poster bed…
"I tucked them away, safely, in a cabinet I thought I'd as good as never use again," she said. "I always made fun of him for his haiku, but… I didn't read them over as often as I should have, even before everything that happened lately. If I had, then… I'd have remembered they were there. But… it just slipped my mind completely. I… I really didn't mean to break down like this, Rei. I'm sorry for…"
"No, no. You don't have to apologize for anything," Rei said, quickly, gazing at her hopelessly. "I… I don't really understand, but… I do know none of this was your fault."
"Oh, it was. Me, being forgetful…? That's new," Azula said, with a sad smile. "If I'd just remembered where the abacus really was… I might have just thought it through and done my very best not to look at the poems, at least. But I… I caved in, I guess. It's merely… I don't even know how to explain it, frankly. I don't know where to start. All I know… is that I thought I could keep going if I didn't let myself remember too much. If I stopped myself from really reasoning with… with everything that's gone now. Everything I've lost…"
"It's only natural, entirely normal, that you can't bear with all this on your own," Song cut in, as Azula seemed moments away from crumbling into tears anew. "I know it's not easy to talk about it, I won't make you do it, nobody will… but Azula, you have too much on your shoulders. You've been suffering in silence, trying to push forward to whatever this new life is, when… when you've barely even given yourself time to let go of the old one, I suppose."
"Oh, I've mourned a lot, if you want the truth…" Azula said, releasing a deep breath. "Mostly before either of you arrived, though. I… don't even know how I survived all that crying, to be honest. It's… it's been a while since I last shattered this way, frankly. Probably since… since the wedding, actually. Since I… b-betrayed him."
"Azula, don't… don't look at it that way, okay?" Song said, grimacing, but it didn't seem her attempt to calm down the Princess would pay off: Azula had tightened her eyelids, attempting to retain the tears… but it was an attempt fated to fail, it seemed.
Song sighed, shaking her head before draining over half her cup… and then, to Rei's utter astonishment, the midwife climbed over the bed and crawled to the Princess's side, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and reeling her in, close to herself. The embrace comforted Azula, but not enough to keep her from crying again. If anything, it seemed she broke even more easily now that she'd been embraced by a friend.
"It… it was wrong, no matter how I look at it, I should've… s-should've found another way," Azula sobbed, pressing her face to Song's shoulder. "I don't know how to live with myself… I don't know how to put up any more pretenses, how to convince anyone that I'm okay when I… when I'm really not, and everyone can tell. What I've done, it's…"
"It's what you had to do. We both know that," Song said, but Azula shook her head. "Azula…"
"It's no better… just because I had no choice," she said. "I should've found another way, should've… should've honored my vows to him, the first ones I ever spoke, I… I said I'd love him, forever. I said I'd be loyal to him, forever, and…"
"And you have been. To a point of self-destruction, some might say…" Song said: Azula sobbed, shaking her head. "You've sacrificed everything for him, Azula…"
"And I'd do it again. I'd do it over and over again, no matter how stupidly I let myself think that I… t-that I'd know better if I had another chance," she said, trembling violently. "Staying with him… if I had, I'd have regretted that too. We would have been chased by Zhao, by everyone, and then… then I would've cost him everything he still had left. His tribe, his people… I know I did the right thing by letting go, but it… it hurts so badly. I miss him… I miss him more every day we're apart, and I know that it'll just get worse and worse, and… and every damn memory makes me soar and die inside at the same time. I want him here, but… I know he can't be… I know he should never be. But I'm still so selfish… still so selfish that I can't let go…."
"That's not selfishness… that's love. You love him, you always have, and you always will," Song whispered, stroking Azula's hair gently. "You're allowed to miss him, Azula… you're allowed to grieve and mourn. And yeah… it hurts, okay? I know it, firsthand, but… if I'd held back my own grief, do you really think I'd still be in any shape to be here, let alone to help you with yours?"
"I… I guess not," Azula reasoned, sniffing and rubbing her free hand over her tearful face again. "I… I'm sorry I cost you so much, too…"
"Don't say that. None of us blamed you… nobody blames you," Song said, knowingly. Azula as good as hiccupped a sob again, shaking her head. "You're more of a victim than… than any of us were. So please… don't burden yourself with even more sorrow than you already have to carry with you. It's okay to cry, too… it's better, even, if you ask me. You're not any weaker just because this is too much to take, okay? The things you've had to do… I don't think I would've been strong enough to make the choices you did. I don't think anyone else would have been."
"I don't… feel strong at all. It's not because I'm crying, I… I guess it's the first time I ever cry without feeling I'm pathetic for it," Azula admitted, with a slight smile. "But… I really don't feel strong at all. Whatever choices I've made… I never have felt any better because of them."
"Well, maybe you'll feel a little better if you drink some tea, for starters," Song nudged her gently: Azula had managed, somehow, not to spill her cup so far, and the Princess released a weighty sigh before bringing it to her lips. "There we go. Take it easy, alright?"
Azula swallowed slowly, allowing the tea to warm its way through her body. She felt unstable, unsteady… unsure of what to do, what to say, at this point. It might not be long before her usual misgivings and shame took over, before she found herself wanting to hide from both Song and Rei… ugh, they'd really done next to nothing to hide the truth from Rei this time. Song was outright sitting beside her in the most casual, careless way, comforting her the way a mere acquaintance wouldn't have the guts to do. Azula didn't have any doubts Rei wouldn't run about, spreading rumors or telling anyone about any suspicions she might have… but the less she knew, the less she understood, the better.
And yet…
Just one glance at the young woman, through Azula's still tearful eyes, revealed Rei gazed at her with confused concern. Even if Azula had told her just now that none of this had been her fault, she might truly think otherwise. She ought to ease her concerns… but how to do so without explaining the whole truth? Was Rei truly prepared to hear it? Did she even want to…?
"Is there anything else I can do…?" Rei asked, when Azula's gaze lingered on her a little longer than expected. Azula released a breath, then shook her head.
"If anything… I should be the one asking you that question," Azula sighed. "One moment everything was fine for you, and then… you had to try to pick up the pieces of a mess you didn't even understand. I never meant to… to let you see me like this. You've already seen me in bad enough shape, as it is…"
"I… I know you wouldn't want me to see this," Rei said, biting her lip. "But, Princess, I… I'm here to help you. Right? So… if you're struggling, no matter how, I want to help. Even if I don't understand anything… i-if there's any other things I shouldn't talk about, or look at, any cabinets that should be off-limits, I'll keep it in mind, in the future…"
"That's… gracious of you, but as it is, I… I don't think that would help," Azula said, closing her eyes. "He was… he was part of everything. He was part of every aspect of my life. Even if I try to run from it, even if I try not to think about it, even if I try to block the grief, it never goes away. There's memories everywhere. Even if I had the guts to get out of here, to leave this place and relocate to somewhere he never set foot in… even the most mundane things would make me think of him. Like… like how you apologize so much, when you don't need to. He was like that, too…"
"He…? Oh," Rei's fingers tightened over her teacup: had she been reminding the Princess forcibly of the man she had loved and lost, without her awareness? She had noticed occasional moments when the Princess trailed off mid-sentence, when her eyes were overtaken by a sudden vacancy she couldn't explain… was that why? Because of memories of a past she cherished so deeply…? "I… I've tried not to do it again, but I guess I… I'll try harder, now."
"No… you know what?" Azula dabbed at her eyes with her free hand… and then she managed a fragile, helpless smile. "Maybe I'm ready to… to just accept reality for what it is. To accept my memories for what they are. To… to cherish what I always did, even if it breaks my heart to even think about it. I'm just tired of trying to close this away and pretend none of it happened. It's taking a bigger toll on me than I wanted to acknowledge…"
"Do you think you'll feel better this way?" Song asked, biting her lip. "Talking about it?"
"I don't know. Hasn't felt better not to," Azula admitted, closing her eyes. "It… blindsides me every time, this way. It's pointless, isn't it? I'm done cowering from my own memories… from my failures and my choices. This is how I have to live my life now, whether I like it or not… whatever I've done, whether wrong or right, it'll follow me to my funerary pyre, right? Might as well just… just quit trying to set aside the best years of my life without mourning them the right way. I can't pretend I'm much good at mourning, really, but… avoiding my grief never helped when it came to my cousin. Don't think it'll help doing that now, either…"
Song sighed but nodded, caressing the top of Azula's head delicately as the Princess drank more tea. Again, she closed her eyes… again, she let the past overwhelm her, swarm her. She felt unworthy of Sokka in thousands of ways, these days… yet she hadn't always been this hopeless, this weak. She hadn't broken their vows all along, she had lived by them gladly… until she had no other choice. That the world would ever recognize Zhao as her husband rather than Sokka… the pain the thought manifested nearly caused her to shrink upon herself and wish, for the umpteenth time, to forsake a life that wasn't worth living. She knew what had been worth living: the existence she'd led until half a year ago, or so. To think that everything had taken such a turn for the worse in such a short span of time…
She lowered her now-empty teacup. Her eyes drifted off to the horizon as she let herself claw at the memories, at the woman she had been not that long ago… the woman she had chosen to become, by her own volition, as opposed to the empty husk she felt like, these days. Even with the support and help of her friends, both the new and the old, she couldn't keep her head level, she couldn't catch her breath… she couldn't make out her bearings in a familiar world that had become so hostile she barely recognized it anymore.
"What… was his name?"
Rei's sudden question, forward and unexpected, brought Azula back from her dark ruminations: the young woman was no less shy than she ever had been, but she appeared to have decided to overcome her natural apprehension, her unwillingness to make any bold, invasive questions, in the wake of Azula's latest words. Did she want to help Azula and, simultaneously, learn the truths she had yet to understand…?
If just for the sake of ensuring that Rei would never be caught off-guard again by Azula's reactions to the memories that assaulted her mercilessly at times, if just for the sake of dispelling the maid's immediate, instinctive fears over whatever wrong thing she'd done, Azula swallowed hard and prepared herself to answer that question: her heart ached just upon composing the right words in her mind… but she'd do it. She was tired of running away from the pain: she would welcome it now and let it bleed out of her until she was spent, completely.
"His name is Sokka… and he was my Gladiator."