A/N:
Sorry for the slightly late update, life's been a little chaotic lately but here's the chapter. Okay, so...
I wanted to drop another reminder, for the last time I believe, that Ursa's backstory in Gladiator is different from that of the comics. This doesn't seem necessary to state anymore, I would think most of you would be aware of it already... but I figured I'd say it one more time before things get cracking with this character starting with this arc.
Anyway! Hope you enjoy the chapter! A new arc begins now!
Family reunion/Strengthening bonds
1
Rei's eyes barely felt tired, regardless of the bags below them, as they followed the frantic Wen's restless pacing through the Princess's no longer empty room. The third and last occupant of it, Renkai, stood by the door, his face bare, a hand trembling as it held his helmet in an unsteady grip. Rei herself crouched against a bare wall, unable and unwilling to so much as find a chair for herself right now.
"I… I shouldn't have left," Renkai said, breaking the silence after what felt like hours: the sun was already rising, and none of them knew what to do yet. "If I hadn't…"
"Maybe you shouldn't have, but…" Wen replied, shooting an uncertain glance in his direction. "It's not like you were gone for long, you came to get me right after she sent you away, didn't you?"
"Yes, but… it wasn't enough," Renkai gritted his teeth. "You didn't… didn't see what she was like."
"Believe me, I can imagine," Wen said, sternly. "Especially if… if the Fire Lord said what he did. It can't be true, though. I refuse to… to believe that it could be true. But if she did believe it, I… I don't know if she'd hold back from doing the worst possible thing she could have. I really don't."
Rei winced, hugging her knees to her chest as a pang of dark denial burst inside her. This time, she knew, the Princess's choices couldn't be her fault in any sense… but a swirling feeling akin to guilt still spread inside her gut. If she'd been nicer, if she'd been more helpful, if she had learned faster, would she have been able to at least give the Princess a reason to live on, regardless of her countless, painful misfortunes? The love she had felt for her Gladiator had been a driving force in her life, to the point where Wen and Renkai clearly feared she might have lost her will to live now that he was gone… the idea of a love so overwhelming and devastating floored Rei completely. Was it truly possible to love someone to the extent where death was preferable than living without them?
She didn't quite feel that way, right now… but perhaps the emotions she felt at the moment, the vacant sadness that permeated her upon dreading she might never see the Princess again, were but a small sample of what the Princess had felt upon learning the man she loved was gone. Wen remained convinced that the Fire Lord had to be wrong, and again she showed that unusually stern, serious side of herself that Rei had seen only in the most complicated or tense of circumstances… it was her real self, Rei suspected. Her certainty of the Gladiator's survival, however, almost had a personal component to it… as though she couldn't accept that the Gladiator could have died, no matter what the Fire Lord said. Now that Princess Azula's many mysteries were mostly clear to Rei, Wen herself had become the bigger riddle among the three of them…
Such thoughts were a weak, pointless distraction from the anguish caused by the Princess's disappearance, though. It had been clear, from the start, that she had escaped through that trapdoor on the floor, which she had left uncovered, but nobody seemed to have a proper idea as to where she might have gone. Rei herself was entirely new to the city and had no notion of what anything was like beyond the Palace's walls. Renkai had never been all that close to the Princess before, and as much as he and Wen had discussed the potential places the Princess might have gone to, neither one was fully convinced of any of their guesses. There were two friends of the Princess that she might have sought out for comfort, they thought, or perhaps even the Temple, with the Head Sage? But then Wen had mentioned another place… from what Rei understood, the Gladiator's old house. She had been apprehensive about the idea, unsure if it would be far too painful for the Princess to return there or not. With the grief Renkai said she might be feeling, though, it was entirely possible that Princess Azula would have leapt headfirst into the most painful place possible, as far as Rei could tell…
"Shouldn't we at least try to find her?" Wen said now, breathing out slowly as she glanced at Renkai. "You can open the trapdoor, we can try to find the tunnels to each place we can think of, though I don't even know where they might be…"
"Unfortunately, I'm not well-versed on the patterns of these tunnels, myself," Renkai confessed, lowering his head. "I may be able to take us to a few places, but… do you even know where her friends live?"
"Well… Only one of them, Ty Lee," Wen said, with a frown. "Though I barely remember the route there, to be honest. I didn't go there directly, and I was in a carriage, so…"
"Of course," Renkai sighed, shaking his head. "I wasn't part of the groups sent to bring them to the Palace either, when they were questioned. Do you really expect the Princess would put them at risk, though? If she's caught running off this way, if the Fire Lord tracks her down in either of her friends' houses…"
"She would endanger them? Well, yes, and that's exactly why I thought maybe she went to the old house," Wen said, biting her lip. "It's further away from everything else, so it would take us longer to get there, but it's the safest place to look and the least alarming one, too. So… how about you receive her breakfast tray, bring it in here, we pretend she's totally here, and then we take off through the tunnels and look for–…?"
Her words faltered when the sound of rock scraping against more rock rumbled within the room.
All their eyes shifted to the trapdoor: in a matter of instants, Wen had rushed to kneel by the hidden doorway, anxiously hoisting it delicately, carefully, as someone pushed it from below…
When a relieved gasp, and a slight smile broke through her face, Rei almost fell over in relief as well. Renkai, too, appeared to have remembered how to breathe at the sight of that expression on Wen's face.
"You… you…!" she gasped, pushing the trapdoor carefully upwards.
"Sorry. I… sorry."
Azula's voice finally resounded in the room, and Rei slumped against the wall. In the center of the room, though, Song reached into the tunnels to help Azula climb out and back into her room. Her sleeping gown looked crumpled, and her hair was disheveled. Her voice seemed frayed, sounding much like it had on the day she had broken down in Rei's arms… and Song could easily see the redness in her eyes, an unequivocal sign of the grief that had poured out of her through a torrent of tears…
Yet there was a strange calmness in her voice, even in her grip once Song wrapped her arms tightly around her friend, once again discarding her false persona completely – she had spent the whole night so worried she couldn't even remember to keep up her pretense. She was too relieved to find Azula hadn't done anything quite as terrifying as what Song had dreaded she might, but still…
"I'm… I'm the one who's sorry. I…" Song said, gritting her teeth as she tightened her grip over Azula. "Renkai told us what… what the Fire Lord said. Azula, I'm so… I don't believe it. I can't believe… I know it's stupid of me to be so stubborn, but he can't be…"
"No… he really can't be, can he?"
The way she delivered that question carried a strange, familiar sensation with it. Song pulled away, looking at the Princess with uncertainty… finding she was looking at the Princess indeed. At the same woman who had been fierce and indomitable, who had struck down her nation's foes and fought her hardest to save the life of the man she loved. The woman who had achieved the impossible, the unthinkable, time after time, and yet she always seemed ready to reach higher heights than she already had…
Song shuddered as she held Azula's gaze: Azula agreed with her, then? She had come to terms with Sokka's death by denying it…?
"A-… Azula?" Song called her name with uncertainty. The Princess smiled weakly.
"I… I'm sorry, all of you. I'm back now, though…" she said, turning to glance at the other occupants of the room: Renkai appeared utterly floored by her easygoing, uncanny demeanor, while Rei only seemed relieved, tears blinking in the corners of her eyes, upon seeing her again. "I know I acted like a madwoman, so… sorry, Renkai."
"You… you didn't. You were in pain," Renkai said, though he frowned upon uttering the last word. "Though… aren't you still in pain?"
"I will be, for a very long time, as far as I can tell," Azula admitted, with a nod, tugging her robe out of the tunnel before closing the trapdoor. "But… I think I won't feel the need to run away from the Palace anymore. At least, not in this manner. Either way… you would have been better off returning by morning. As you can see, I… I came back."
"I couldn't know you would… I had no idea you'd leave in the first place, let alone that you'd come back," Renkai said, fists tightened. "We were about to start searching for you, after we dealt with the servants bringing your food…"
"Thoughtful, but you won't have to do that anymore," Azula said again, with unusual compassion towards Renkai. "Thank you for… well, all your efforts. You can breathe easy now… you can even take a day off if you want, to compensate for this mess. The same is true for the two of you…"
Azula smiled a little at Song, then glanced at Rei: the young girl seemed moments away from breaking out in tears, and Azula smiled fondly at her, shaking her head.
"Don't worry anymore, Rei. I'm… I'm fine. Or as fine as I can be, under the circumstances…"
"Are you sure?" Song asked, clasping Azula's shoulder gently. "Azula, you don't need to force yourself or lie to us if you…"
"I'm not lying," Azula said: the clarity of her gaze, the replenished strength in her voice… even the slight smile on her face, all of it seemed to slap Song so suddenly, so harshly, that her every attempt to thaw out what she believed were Azula's true feelings faltered entirely. "It's hard to explain, especially after everything that happened, but…"
"You've… come to terms with it?" Song asked, uncertain. "That… seems unlikely. I mean, I'm looking at you, and you look like, w-well…"
"Like I once did, maybe?" Azula asked, with a weak smile. "I doubt it, to be honest, but… I am at greater peace now than I have been in months, if it counts for something. And now, it's not that I… that I'm trying to mislead you, or act calm when I'm falling apart inside or so. I… I seriously feel better. I do."
"Well… okay? I'll… believe you. Or at least I'll try to," Song said, cocking her head sideways. Azula smiled as Renkai sighed heavily.
"If everything's better now, then… I guess I'll go stand by the door as always," Renkai whispered. Azula raised an eyebrow in his direction.
"I wasn't joking about giving you the day off, Renkai. You look exhausted… well, all of you do."
"As do you," Renkai said, though Azula smiled and shook her head.
"I suspect I got more sleep than any of you did, as far as I can tell. You've been up all night worrying about me, haven't you?"
"Maybe," Renkai said: Rei smiled guiltily when Azula's gaze turned to her.
"I'll do my best to make sure this never happens again," Azula spoke the words earnestly before rising to her feet, with Song's help. "I doubt it'll sound all that reassuring to any of you, but… I mean it."
"Might not be easy to believe it just like this, but… you do seem, well, different," Song said, glancing at Azula with uncertainty. The Princess smiled: Song had helped her rise to her feet by keeping a hand upon her arm, and Azula gave her fingers a gentle squeeze.
"I'm feeling better, for sure. I never thought I would, but… I suppose I should have started to expect the unexpected," Azula smiled.
Renkai let out another relieved breath before bowing his head and marching towards the bedroom's door. Slowly, Rei rose to her feet and stepped closer, suspecting Azula might be at further leisure to disclose whatever had happened, wherever she'd gone that night, once she wasn't in Renkai's presence. It was how things had been so far, and it seemed that Renkai even preferred to keep his distance, so long as the Princess and her companions were safe and sound.
Song let out a breath as the door closed behind Renkai: she couldn't hold back the urge to hug Azula properly by then, and the Princess welcomed the embrace gracefully. Song trembled in her arms, no matter how many reassuring gestures Azula might offer her. Strangely, it was almost as though the one in the deeper grief and mourning would be Song now, instead…
"Azula, what happened?" she asked, pulling away and gazing into the clear golden eyes with her troubled, chestnut ones. Azula let out a deep breath, breaking their eye contact as her eyes drifted to the floor.
"Well… after you two went to your rooms yesterday, Zhao returned," Azula said: Rei flinched immediately, and the Princess reached out to rub her shoulder reassuringly. The younger woman appeared profoundly apprehensive, though she still dared speak her immediate question:
"Did he do something to you?" she asked, uncertain and uneasy. "Did he try to…?"
"To hurt me with his words, mainly," Azula said, gritting her teeth. "He was all too proud to disclose that he had helped my father send a battalion down to the South Pole, to… to kill Sokka. He knew that whatever strength I'd regained would vanish if I feared for his life, so… he took advantage of that weakness. I rushed to my father's study, confirmed Zhao was telling the truth, and then I meant to plead with him, ask him to call back his forces… only for him to say that it would be too late for Sokka anyway. He said… he said he was already dead. So… I lost control, quite badly. Renkai tried to help, but… I just couldn't take it. I took off when Renkai left to find you two, I suppose… I went to Sokka's house just to feel him again, because I'd just… succumbed to my grief mindlessly. I thought that maybe giving myself to all the painful memories would be the right way to mourn for him."
She refrained from explaining her ultimate purpose: Song would be distraught and horrified, and Rei might be genuinely mortified to learn she had been ready to surrender her life right then and there. Perhaps they already suspected that deeper layer of truth… but Azula wouldn't share it, not if she could help it.
"But then, when I… I was lying there, on our bed, I closed my eyes to visualize him better, and…" Azula said: her two companions were startled when a smile spread over the Princess's face. "And I did. I saw him, and he was… he was real, no matter if it was a dream. He was right there, it was him, I know it was and…"
"A dream? You think you communicated with the real Sokka through a dream?" Song asked, puzzled. Azula nodded weakly.
"It sounds stupid and ridiculous, I guess… I have no idea how it happened, but I've never felt so real inside a dream before. I've had dreams about Sokka, but… he's usually not quite himself in them," Azula explained. "Not unless it's memories rather than dreams. Sometimes my mind just flies back to the times when we were still free to be… oh, well, we never really were free to be together, but you know what I mean…"
"But then… this Sokka felt too vivid to just be a dream?" Song asked. Azula nodded with more strength now. "Then… it was the real Sokka? You saw his… his spirit?"
"No," Azula said, with a slow smile. "Or… or maybe, yes? But… not in the manner you think I did. He's… he's still alive, Song."
That she spoke the wrong name didn't even register in her head, let alone in her companion's own. Song's eyes flew open wide, just as her lips parted. Azula offered her a reassuring, comforting smile as a gasp spilled out of Song's mouth.
"H-how…? I… I mean, this is weird. It's great! But it's… weird. Then… a dream told you he's not dead?" Song repeated.
"Well, no. Sokka himself told me so," Azula said, with a light laugh. "Ah, I know, it sounds utterly mad, and yet… and yet it felt far too real for it to be a desperate woman's dream, frankly. I heard his voice, damn it, I touched him with my hands, he… he really held me, I don't have any clue how, but he did…"
"You heard his voice?" Song repeated, smiling a little. "What did he say, then? Could you talk with him properly at all, or…?"
"Somehow… yes," Azula smiled. "I… was practically falling apart in his arms because I couldn't believe it, though he wasn't doing much better than I was, either. He said many things… all the right things. He asked me to stay strong, and to wait… to wait for him. Just as I swore I would. I might just have to wait a lifetime… but he's still fighting for me, he said. He's surviving whatever my father throws his way, no matter the cost, so that we won't be apart forever. So… it means I have to fight, too. Just as I couldn't fathom living in a world without him, he can't fathom living in a world without me, so… I'll do my best to survive, for as long as I can, until we meet again. I can't… can't let him go through what I did last night. I can't."
"But then… you're sure he was really there," Song said, gazing at Azula intently. "So this wasn't just some strange escapade in the Spirit World in your dreams or so…?"
"Well, I don't know if it was that, but… he was there for real anyway," Azula said. "From what he told me… he found a way to trick my father into believing he's dead."
"He… oh, hell!" Song gasped, eyes wide. Rei's mouth fell open.
"He can… trick the Fire Lord?" she asked. Azula flashed her a quick smirk.
"Well, he certainly tricked him for a long time. If anything, he has plenty of practice at that particular craft," she said. "I have no idea where he is now, or what he's doing, but… he survived. He protected his people, even when I couldn't do anything to stop my father. But Sokka triumphed to such an extent that… that my father is still savoring a non-existent victory while Sokka lives, breathes and keeps his people safe. I don't know what he'll be up to now, exactly… I guess, if this weird connection ever works again, I'll ask him and find out by then, but…"
"But for now, it's enough knowing he's alive…" Rei finished, with a gentle smile. Azula nodded in agreement.
"Whatever he has in mind for the future… I'll do my best to be ready," Azula said. "Whatever his next move may be, I'll try to anticipate it and prepare for it. But, for now… right now, knowing he's not gone is enough for me. Obviously, neither of you should tell anyone about this…"
"We won't," Rei said, firmly. Song smiled a little.
"Pretty sure nobody would believe us if we tried to convince them that you talked to him in any capacity anyway. Not when it seems to have been such a strange, ethereal connection, even…"
"Indeed, but my father and his people are happy to suspect me of being up to no good even when I'm not… it'd be worse yet if he thought I've communicated with his chosen archenemy," Azula said, with a light roll of her eyes… and yet she smiled. "Anyway, you two… if you want to take the day off, that's fine. I guess you were awake all night waiting for me?"
"We weren't sure what to do," Song admitted. Rei smiled weakly.
"We just hoped you'd come home…" she whispered. "And we're glad that you did. I… I was scared, but you're here again, so…"
"I am," Azula said: her hand reached out to caress Rei's hair gently…
Before she knew it, the young woman had lunged forward, wrapping her arms around the Princess in an affectionate hug.
Song froze in place, much as Azula did. The Princess smiled again after a moment, though, returning Rei's gesture with one arm. She expected Rei to flinch away and break off their hug over bashfulness… but it didn't seem she'd do so.
"I'm glad… I'm glad you're back. And that you could talk to him… however you did. I'm glad…" she whimpered: Azula could feel the maid's tears pouring on her shoulder, and she smiled tenderly for it.
"It's okay, Rei… everything's fine now," she whispered, caressing Rei's hair reassuringly. "You and Wen are stuck with me for the foreseeable future, like it or not."
"Be as grouchy, as miserable as you want to be: we'll love being stuck with you anyway," Song retorted proudly: Azula laughed before another arm wrapped around her body.
"Oh, damn. And now it's a group hug," Azula laughed, letting her free arm encircle Song's waist. "You two, really… anyone with sense would be angry about the stunt I pulled."
"Oh, I am furious. Believe me," Song said, sniffing as she tightener her grip around Azula. "Don't ever do this to us again, alright?"
"I won't. I promise," Azula whispered. Rei nodded.
"I'm not angry, but… I am happier now because you're back. I really am," she said, dabbing at her eyes weakly… all before noticing Azula hadn't flinched, even though Rei had been pressed against her injured shoulder. "Oh! S-sorry, I…!"
"Sorry about…? Oh, my shoulder?" Azula asked, once Rei raised her head. "Huh. Funnily enough, it… it really hurts less today. No surprises there, huh…?"
She laughed, shaking her head as she reeled in both her steadfast companions in for a warmer hug. She couldn't believe she felt like smiling, like laughing… like rejoicing in this world and the countless miracles it could offer. All be it because he was still out there, because the necklace that still weighed in her pocket seemed to connect her to him, just as much as their shared energies did… the attunement, the strength of their shared chi, had healed more than just her broken heart and aching soul. If she had hoped for further proof of how real her experiences from last night had been, the sudden, welcome improvement in her shoulder certainly spoke for itself.
She would have even thought, perhaps, that she could evoke blue fire all over again at last… perhaps even gold, going by how strong her inner flame felt right now. But perhaps later… and even if she failed, it didn't mean it would never happen again. Her energy, merged with his, would imitate Sokka's… and it would seek to right the wrongs in her chi until she was finally back to her full strength. Even now, in miraculous ways, Sokka continued to help her, to inspire her, to encourage her… and the best way to honor him, the best thing she could do to return the favor, was to live up to her own potential: that of the woman she had once been, who had seemed to have been left behind in the past until now.
It would take time, she knew, even after this, before she could feel like herself again… before she was fully comfortable in her own skin once more. But the memory of that timeless moment they had shared, of every vivid sensation he had evoked inside her, would certainly comfort her in her lowest points and reinforce her courage in the highest ones just as well. She would raise her head again, revitalized by every glorious moment she had spent by his side, by the knowledge that, even after all the tragedies that had struck them time and again, Sokka was still with her, and he always would be.
The crackling of the fireplace typically spread comfort and ease among them whenever the traveling group chose to stop for the night. All of them had lived in the South Pole through long periods of their lives, and the warmth of a hearth often soothed every sorrow and eased every unpleasantness… today, however, the tension among them couldn't be dismissed with just the growing warmth of a fire.
Katara had taken care to wash as much of Ursa's body as she could: with her face fully clean, and hair brushed properly – Zuko had taken care of the latter, struggling with the messy knots he found almost in every strand–, she still hardly felt like herself to her son… though he reasoned, too, that perhaps he had seldom seen his mother sleeping during his childhood. The proper, perfect wife of Prince Ozai had never been caught off-guard, always the picture of ideal elegance…
And now she wore ragged clothes, with rips and tears in each layer of fabric. She hadn't cleaned up in a long time, she probably hadn't eaten anything for days, either… Zuko grimaced as he watched Katara tilting his mother's mouth open, ever so slightly, to bend water into Ursa's system. As she didn't swallow naturally, Katara's bending aided her body to accept the water.
Silence reigned in the small cliff overlooking the western Earth Kingdom Sea, the direction in which they'd flown after escaping from the Swamp. They remained near a thicket of trees, underneath the shade of their branches, and they had settled down there for the night. Aang had eased Appa gradually after his dangerous encounter with the waterbenders in the swamp while Kino looked after Momo, but none of them could focus properly on anything else when Ursa's presence, as silent as it had been so far, seemed to overtake everyone's attention, even if she was still unconscious.
"I think that's enough water for now…" Katara whispered, gazing at Ursa with uncertainty as she stopped bending. "She's stable, I think. I didn't find any urgent injuries, mostly minor scrapes, so… she's probably just very worn out after spending far too long out in the swamp."
"I guess so," Zuko responded absentmindedly, stroking his mother's hair affectionately… much as he knew she had done often for him, when he had been young.
Nobody said anything else after that. Katara let out a breath and sat back, leaving Zuko to watch his mother anxiously as she nestled in Zuko's own sleeping bag. Every set of eyes fell upon the slumbering woman – save those of Momo, who simply took to climbing all over Kino, yet even that wasn't enough to distract the former soldier from the woman who, under any other circumstances, would have been leading the Fire Nation alongside her husband. Nobody knew why she was here, instead, why had she left, let alone why had she been in the swamp…
"I had a lot of expectations for this trip…" Kino finally broke his silence, startling his traveling companions. He hugged his knees to his chest, before shaking his head as he finished his thoughts. "But none of it held a torch to reality, to be honest."
"It has been a very strange journey so far," Aang agreed, biting his lip as he tore his eyes off Ursa, and glancing towards the most somber and silent member of their group now.
It wasn't as though Sokka meant to be so distant right now, he truly hadn't intended that… but he felt out of place, deeply uncertain as he watched Azula's mother sleeping soundly, with no idea if she'd wake up again at all. Azula's mother… a shudder rushed through his body whenever he let himself think of that. Memories of Ursa had sent Azula in a downwards spiral once, a spiral Sokka himself had broken by proving to the distressed Princess that she was no monster, that she deserved to be loved wholeheartedly.
Time hadn't erased that wound, not completely, Sokka feared… but it had scarred and healed until Azula had finally found the courage to love, and to let herself be loved just as well. Yet the Princess had been anguished that one time, when Ozai had forced her to pray for her mother in the Temple… Sokka had held her as she unloaded her baggage, as she let her fears take over again… and then he had spoken earnestly to her, hoping to help her find peace with her mother's memory, one way or another.
And then she'd had that dreadful, heinous dream near the swamp, back during the Race… she'd panicked terribly upon being overtaken by a dark dream where Ursa had been as monstruous as the real Ozai was, where she had commanded Sokka's death, where she had taken down her daughter's every dream and aspiration. It was so difficult to imagine that frail, gaunt woman committing any crimes of the sort, and yet… and yet Sokka knew, too, that Iroh had seemed to be a perfectly inoffensive old man to anyone but Azula. He had been wary of the old man from the start because Azula herself had always kept him at bay… and she had been right to do so. Iroh had been yet another of countless monsters in the Fire Nation's Royal Family, as far as Sokka could tell… was Ursa one of them, too? Even Azula had found the swamp dream utterly exaggerated, she had said as much to Sokka…
Yet there was one thing Azula had always been convinced of: Ursa would have never approved of Sokka, let alone of his relationship with her daughter.
Watching the convalescing woman now, Sokka's heart churned with an unwanted feeling of fear, of worthlessness. Unless Ursa's experiences in the years since her disappearance had colored her world quite differently – and considering how much Sokka had changed in less than a decade, Ursa certainly had plenty of time to change indeed –, it was entirely possible that Azula's certainty regarding how Ursa would dislike him on principle alone might still prove true. Considering everything he had cost Azula, he wasn't sure he'd even have the strength to rebuff any accusations Ursa might throw at him, if she cared to fling any at all…
"How long has she been missing?" Aang asked Zuko, softly. "I never really wanted to pry, I figured you'd talk more about your mother if you wanted to, but…"
"But you didn't think she'd still be alive," Zuko finished for Aang, who winced and eyed him sympathetically. "Don't worry, I… I didn't know if she would be or not. I imagined a thousand possibilities, but I… I didn't think I'd find her again. Let alone did I think it would happen so suddenly, almost… almost easily. Though, well, maybe it wasn't easy at all."
He glanced at Sokka now, and everyone's attention turned to him. Sokka raised his gaze, feeling slightly like a hunted animal staring in the face of multiple predators, no matter if the others didn't mean him any harm.
"You just… bumped into her?" Zuko asked, puzzled. "Or did your vision guide you to my mother, by any chance? I… I don't know why it led you to her rather than me, though. The rest of us, we wound up at that big tree at the center of the swamp…"
"So I heard," Sokka nodded. "I… I have no idea why it singled me out, but… I don't know. Maybe it really didn't. Though… it's hard to believe that I found her by chance, isn't it?"
"Do you think the swamp sent that tornado at us so we would find her, somehow? That maybe that was its actual intent?" Kino asked, glancing at Zuko uneasily. Zuko shrugged, gazing at his mother anew.
"It didn't need to split us up that way if that's what it wanted. Appa and Momo were in danger for nothing. We could have just found her together and fled with her, just as we did…" Zuko whispered, though he turned to Sokka again. "So… what happened? You said you did have a vision, didn't you?"
"I did, though… I don't think it was like the ones you guys saw," Sokka said rubbing his forehead gently.
"Sokka, whatever you saw in those visions can't be more shocking or unexpected than finding my malnourished, helpless mother in that place," Zuko said, eyeing him skeptically. "You could tell me you saw a vision of my father dancing while dressed in the outfits of those swampbenders and I'd believe you immediately."
"Might have been a funny image under other circumstances, but even if he were just making a fool of himself, I'm pretty sure I'd want to cut your father's head off if I lay eyes upon him again." Sokka sighed, then shook his head. "My vision was… much better than that, though. I guess that's why I think you guys might find it so weird…"
"Well, you said you saw her, didn't you?" Zuko asked. Sokka gritted his teeth and nodded. "It's what we expected. I saw Suki, Mari and Zi…"
"And Kino and I saw some lady, or maybe two different ladies, that we didn't know," Aang explained. "While Katara…"
"I saw Mom," Katara said, eyeing Sokka almost remorsefully. Sokka swallowed hard, eyes hopeful as he raised them towards his sister.
"Did… did you get to talk to her at all?" he asked. "Was it… was it really her?"
"Uh… I think she was just a mirage, not her actual spirit. She didn't talk, no," Katara said, frowning.
"Neither did the fancy lady I saw," Kino said, turning to Zuko. "Yours?"
Zuko shook his head, as Aang stroked his chin slowly.
"The one I saw laughed. To be honest, her laughter didn't really seem to suit her appearance, but still… that's as far as it went," he glanced at Sokka again, raising an eyebrow. "Then… is that why you said it felt real? Did your vision talk to you?"
"Well… yeah," Sokka said, gritting his teeth. "And that's the weird part, I guess… like I told you guys before, I think it wasn't just a vision."
"You said it was real, yeah. But… real how?" asked Kino, puzzled.
"Real as in… I think I saw the real Azula," Sokka finished, letting out a deep breath after he spoke the name of the woman he loved.
Zuko frowned, though not over Sokka's words, strange as they were: had Ursa twitched again? Just when Sokka had spoken Azula's name? He bit his lip before focusing on Sokka anew.
"Why do you think you saw her?" he asked, calmly. "The real her, I mean. I'm sure what I saw was just a vision: Suki, then glimpses of Mari and Zi once they're older… but you say she spoke to you?"
"She did, yes," Sokka said, swallowing hard. "I just walked into this white mist that started spreading before me. I had no idea what it was, or if it would take me anywhere, but I did it anyway, and… eventually I saw her, just lying down in the middle of that bright white, ethereal place I wound up in. She was… she couldn't believe it was me, just as I couldn't believe it was her. She… she said things that I don't think a vision could've said, or would have said…"
"Really? Like what?" Aang asked.
"Like… that she thought I was dead," Sokka mumbled, guilt surging inside his gut again: the others stared at him in surprise as he glanced at Kino. "Your forged letter… seems like it fooled the Fire Lord just right. He… he really thought he'd killed me. And the bastard must have… must have gloated about it to her. Remember I woke up this morning, feeling like… like a mess, really?"
"You were acting weird, yeah. You were all anxious and whatnot…" Kino said, eyes wide.
"From the sound of it, it was… it was her anguish that was reaching me," Sokka said, running a hand over his hair. "She'd only just been told I was supposedly dead… and it devastated her. Just the way her father would've wanted it…"
"Sokka…" Katara eyed him in anguished chagrin, and her brother shook his head in her direction.
"I told her what happened, though. Told her we sent that knife because I hoped she might see it and realize it was a farce, and she was relieved," Sokka said, biting his lip. "I… I felt that awful sensation the whole time I was in the swamp, the same feeling I woke up with this morning. After the illusion ended, it was completely gone. Instead, I… I felt closer to her. I felt more stable and much calmer than I have felt since… since I said goodbye to her. I know it has to sound utterly insane to you guys, but I'm sure it wasn't just an illusion of the swamp this time…"
"Sokka… you've been involved in so much weird stuff that even I can't pretend to be fully skeptical about this," Katara said, smiling a little at Sokka, who grinned back, if awkwardly. "It is weird, but… so is pretty much everything that's happened to you since you two first crossed paths. You ought to be used to it, if anything…"
"I would be, but… it took me by surprise anyway. It surprised her, too," Sokka sighed. "She… well, she didn't elaborate much about the things Ozai's done to her…"
Another shift. This time, Kino noticed it as well. Zuko frowned: his mother had moved her head, if just slightly.
"But it seems to have been dreadful," Sokka said, gritting his teeth. "She apologized for not having been able to do anything to keep him from sending troops to the South Pole, so… I guess he's either more stubborn than ever, or more of a bastard than I even imagined possible. Ages ago, I… I thought Azula's safety and happiness were the only things he and I would ever agree upon, but…"
"Zuko? Did she just…?"
Sokka's train of thought was cut off by Aang's voice: a burst of anxiety reared its head again inside Sokka's gut upon realizing the mysterious woman he'd saved in the swamp seemed to be coming back to consciousness. Zuko, sitting beside her, placed a hand on her cheek carefully, delicately…
"Mother?" he called, to no answer. A sigh slipped past his lips as he glanced at the rest of the group. "She's… reacted to names. Every time we speak their names, she… seems to be about to wake up."
"Really?" Katara asked. Zuko nodded promptly, turning to Sokka again.
"Nothing about what you saw with Azula had anything to do with our mother, though, did it?" he asked. Sokka noticed it this time, too: Ursa's brow drew together, if only for a moment. "I get that you're Azula's other half and all, but… I'm still her son. I don't know why it wasn't me."
"Might be it… might be it had to do with our past swamp experience, I don't know," Sokka said. Zuko frowned, as did the others. "Well… Azula had a dream about her mother when we first were near the swamp, is all. It seemed like everything was nonsense that day, but… then we found the Library, and we had our skepticism pretty much beaten out of us after that. Worse yet, my dream about Rhone practically came true, so… maybe the swamp has stronger powers than we realize. Maybe the connection between me and your mother comes from… from my connection with your sister, in a way."
"I… I have no idea if that makes any sense or not," Zuko confessed, with a sigh. "But maybe it's a little more reasonable than I want to admit it is. But whether or not it makes sense… thank you, Sokka. I… didn't really think this was possible, but if you had chosen to just leave her, I…"
"You'd have never known her fate? I know, but… I wouldn't have left her there, whoever she was," Sokka said, shaking his head. "When the vision ended, I just wanted to find a way to enter it again, frankly. To find Azula once more, but… instead, I found her. She said some things that made no sense to me, then she just fell silent. Too tired to keep going, I guess…"
"The things Huu said about the White Lotus people entering the swamp to find a woman, though…" Katara said, bringing up the main problem that Zuko wasn't sure how to address… a problem Sokka had been unaware of until now.
"Wait, what?" Sokka frowned. Katara glanced at him with unease.
"That's what the one non-hostile waterbender from the swamp told us," Katara said. "We thought, well, maybe we'd been taken into the swamp so we could find our way to the White Lotus base properly. So, we asked him, and… and he said their people weren't far, but they only entered the swamp looking for a certain woman? He also said…"
"That he had the feeling she was in the swamp again, just then," Zuko cut in, his gaze falling upon his mother's face anew. "But the swamp hadn't directed him towards her this time. He said… maybe someone else would be the one to help her. I guess he meant you."
Sokka swallowed hard but nodded. He didn't regret helping Ursa, although he wasn't sure what consequences he'd face for doing so. He had no intentions of holding back from speaking his mind if Ursa dared say anything outrageous about Azula… but the fragile woman, languishing on Zuko's sleeping bag appeared inoffensive, at least for now. Looks could be deceiving, and Sokka certainly had no intentions of lowering his guard… but he would be careful while trying his best to understand how the woman who had once been married to the ambitious Prince Ozai had wound up in the depths of a forsaken swamp, relying on the spiritual powers of the location so someone could find her and save her life…
"I think she might wake up any moment now," Katara said, approaching Ursa again and kneeling beside her. "We'll do best to feed her some of that soup once she does. She looks like… like she hasn't had anything to eat in months, even if I know that's not likely, but…"
"I know. We'll do it once she's awake," Zuko reassured her. "It's… it's weird, being the one taking care of my mother when she was the one protecting me before, but…"
"Think of it as returning the favor, then," Katara said, with an unusually friendly smile that Zuko answered with one of his own.
"I'll try to do that," he said, cupping his mother's face again. "Mother…?"
"Maybe she'd recognize you if you called her 'mom,'" Aang suggested. Zuko blushed slightly, but he had to concede the Avatar had the right idea: he'd grown used to referring to Ursa with a more formal term over the years, but when she'd last seen him, he had simply called her 'mom'.
He breathed deeply, stroking strands of hair out of Ursa's face before speaking the simple word… the first word he had ever spoken as a child:
"Mom?"
A sudden shudder shook the body of the woman before him: she gasped for breath, raising a trembling hand awkwardly, in no set direction. Zuko flinched but clasped her hand in his: Ursa had yet to open her eyes.
"Mom… it's me. It's… it's Zuko," he said, earnestly, his heart beating so wildly it seemed moments away from bursting from his chest. She was moving, she had just tried to find something… she was alive, and she was here, again, before his now very tearful eyes. "Mom…?"
"Z-zu… Zuko…" Ursa managed to speak: her deep voice surprised those who hadn't heard it, though no one was more surprised than the man for whom it was a familiar, nostalgic sound… "Zuko. Where… where's your sister…?"
"Mom, I…" Zuko nearly sobbed, startled by the question, but setting that thought aside for now. "I'm here. I'm right here, okay? You're awake now. You're safe. Me and my friends, we'll look after you now."
"Maybe we should…?" Katara asked, gesturing at the pot above the fire: the rest of the dinner they'd enjoyed already lingered in the pot, waiting until Ursa had woken up. Zuko nodded at Katara's unfinished suggestion.
"Please," Zuko said, swallowing hard before wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. "My friend here will help you eat, Mom, alright? Just try to eat, okay? She'll help you with her bending…"
"N-no, no… no. Not again, not like that…" Ursa mumbled suddenly, startling the group as she squirmed, inching closer to Zuko. "I… I don't eat bees…"
"She… what?" Aang blinked blankly, and Kino glanced at Zuko with uncertainty.
"Is that some sort of inside joke in your family, or…?"
"I… I have no idea what that means," Zuko confessed, grimacing. "Mom, it's okay. My friend here will help you drink soup…"
"I'm a waterbender," Katara clarified, smiling empathetically despite the woman, with her eyes still closed, wouldn't be able to see her grin. "I can help you drink some water too, if you'd rather…"
"N-not… swamp water. It's… filthy."
"Uh, well, we have proper non-swamp water right here, so don't worry, it's not filthy," Katara said, reassuringly. Ursa hummed: even now, her eyes remained closed. "Do you want to try that, first?"
"I… Z-Zuko…?"
"Yes?"
"You… w-what… Zuko?"
"I'm here, Mom. It's me," Zuko said, squeezing her hand gently. "Let Katara give you something to drink now, okay?"
"Why're you… friends with a… a swamp-dweller…?"
Katara flinched, and her willingness to help Ursa suddenly seemed to freeze altogether: she thought she was a what, now? Aang and Kino grimaced, though it was Sokka who defused the situation.
"She mustn't have met any other waterbenders," he said, looking at Katara pointedly. His sister grimaced, quick to realize he had a point. "And the last place she was in was the swamp, so she may just think you're…"
"W-why're you… so… grown?"
Zuko frowned at the latest question, just as everyone else did – this time, it was all the more difficult to explain whatever had led Ursa to ask that question. She hiccupped softly, her hand trembling in his grip.
"Y-you're… a boy. You've always been a little boy… the swamp made you older now? Why…?"
"Uh, Mom, I… I'm sorry," Zuko said, unsure of why he'd apologize over having aged – had anyone ever apologized for that before? "We're not in the swamp anymore, though. We're outside it, by these big cliffs, and… and it's me. It's… it's Zuko, Mom."
"Zu-… Zuko…" she repeated, and suddenly her face drew together with a slight frown. "Zu… ko…?"
"Katara… try giving her the water now, please," Zuko asked, glancing at Katara hopelessly: this first conversation with his mother might not have been terrible, all around… but there were far too many alarming signs in it, far too many small things that were causes for concern already, even before he learned anything about the circumstances that had made Ursa a resident or frequent visitor of the swamp.
Although Ursa didn't seem to appreciate it much, Katara bent a small stream of water into the woman's mouth. She flinched and made faces, but she swallowed after a moment, breathing out slowly after the liquid made its way through her system.
"It's not swamp water," Katara said, softly. "We found a stream nearby… it should be way cleaner than their water was."
"We're not in the swamp anymore, Mom," Zuko said again, cupping her face delicately. "You're not there anymore. You're safe… and we'll look after you now. Don't worry about a thing, alright?"
"N-not… the swamp?" Ursa spoke again: her voice sounded clearer now, as though the water she'd just ingested had helped clear her mind, if just slightly… or so it seemed, at first. "N-not the swamp, but… but you're still here? Zuko…"
"Mom, I… I know we all see visions in the swamp," Zuko said, swallowing hard. "But this is… it's really me. I'm really here, and… and I can barely believe it's you, but I'd know your face anywhere, Mom. No matter how long it's been, I'd never forget you… j-just as you told me to never forget who I was. I didn't, Mom, I… I haven't. If anything, I've done my best to grow up to become someone you… s-someone you could be proud of."
Ursa shuddered against Zuko's touch: it was clear she was more conscious than before, and that his words were affecting her… but Zuko couldn't quite know to what extent. He wasn't sure if he was helping or harming anymore, so he fell silent instead.
Much as he had warned Sokka that the Azula they'd rescue might no longer be the same woman he had loved so dearly, it seemed Zuko now faced the very same anguish he had expected Sokka would be confronted by eventually: the woman he had loved since his earliest memories, the mother he had treasured and whose approval, affection and care had long proven to be his strongest lifeline in a hostile home, the only soothing memories when all else failed… she might simply not be the mother he remembered anymore.
It dawned on him slowly at first, then at full power: she had changed, whether she had intended to or not. Her graying temples, the light wrinkles across her face, the thinness of her body… the torn clothes, the numerous knots in every strand of hair, all of it reminded him of the unpleasant, conflicted feelings and sensations the Fire Nation had elicited inside him upon returning after ten years on the road. He shuddered as his hands fell upon Ursa's shoulders, as tears overflowed his tightly shut eyes. She was his mother… and at the same time, she was a stranger who had endured countless hardships in almost two decades since they'd last seen each other. Hardships that might have changed her, shaped her, molded her into someone he could barely recognize… and maybe she hadn't come out of those hardships as a stronger person. Maybe she had been broken to a point where she couldn't be anything but a pale shadow of the woman he remembered…
The graceful Lady Ursa, who should have ruled the Fire Nation alongside Fire Lord Ozai, didn't appear to exist anymore.
Her eyebrows twitched, and her breathing rhythm seemed all over the place as she squirmed in Zuko's hold. It seemed as though she were fighting something inside her mind… but no one, not even Zuko, could help her do so. Instead, they sat in wait, nervous and uncertain, as a myriad of emotions appeared and disappeared in the once-regal woman's face. She flinched and winced, snarling, then she whimpered, and then her face would return to peacefulness… what was on her mind? For if it was anything like what was on Zuko's, he couldn't fault her for failing to find the strength to face this sudden reencounter.
He had never truly thought he'd see her again. But he had never, not once, considered that she might have become someone else entirely if their paths ever crossed anew. His mother, the protective woman who had taken care of him for as long as he could remember… the first woman he had ever loved, with whom he had built a bond that he had clung to so tightly, for so long…
After another spree of deep, heavy breaths, Ursa's hands started to move on their own. They rose slowly, so very slowly, until they found Zuko's own upon her shoulders. Zuko gritted his teeth, trying to retain the tears as Ursa's fingers, no longer as soft as he remembered them, no longer sporting perfectly manicured nails, brushed delicately against his own. He trembled violently, letting his mother feel his hands, her thumb brushing slowly over the marriage scar upon his right hand. Her breath hitched upon feeling it, and Zuko wondered if she understood what it meant… or if she'd assume he'd been hurt by an enemy instead. Her lips seemed to tremble now too, as she opened them to speak with a new layer of doubt and fear…
"Z-Zuko…?"
When she had called his name earlier, she had been so certain, not doubting for an instant that it would be him. Yet she had questioned him upon realizing his voice sounded older, and only then had she seemed to retract into this strange, mostly-conscious state… perhaps even fully-conscious state, in which she seemed to refrain from opening her eyes out of fear of what she'd find once she did.
"It… it's me, Mom. It's me. Your Zuko," he said, his voice fraught with tears as he raised her hands to his lips, pressing a soft kiss to her fingers.
A gasp turned into a whimper: in instants, twin streams of tears poured past her closed eyelids, as her chest heaved again. Her fingers stretched out, past Zuko's mouth… meant to cup his face delicately. Yet Zuko sensed her right hand appeared to hesitate… to touch the left half of his jaw carefully before rising, slowly…
She didn't seem to feel the damaged skin right away… but she did, after a moment. Zuko held back the urge to wince, to tear his face away… hell, she'd never recognize him like this. Damn it, why hadn't he thought of it? Why had he been so foolish as to forget his damn scar, the brand his father had etched into his skin mercilessly…? If his mother wasn't fully in her senses, if her mind was broken in any way, surely she would refuse to believe he was truly here, or that he was who he said he was…
"I-I… M-Mom…" he whimpered, pitiful, knowing he would be ashamed of acting quite so emotionally in front of all his friends under any other circumstances… but he couldn't hold back right now. Not when the gruesome burn in his face might just destroy his chances to reconnect with Ursa…
Another whimper followed his words, but this time it had come from Ursa's own lips.
Her body was wracked with even stronger shivers as she shook her head slightly, as her fingers continued to trail over the ridges of her son's scar… over the burnt eyelid that he closed when her fingers approached it. His tears fell upon her thumb, spilling into her palms… and a sob shook her next as she shook her head more powerfully.
"No, no, no… oh, please no…" she begged, though it was impossible to know what her words meant. Zuko snarled, clinging to her hands even now, no matter how painful this might be. It could be the very last time she showed him any affection, for all he knew. He wouldn't be all that surprised if she rejected him over this dreadful scar, and yet… "I… I didn't believe… I couldn't believe… h-he didn't. Please, it can't be… it can't be true, it can't be…"
Zuko gritted his teeth: was she aware, then, of what had happened to him? Of the burn Ozai had inflicted upon him? Had she been in denial about it for years, by any chance, only to be confronted with the unbearable reality of her husband's actions now…? Zuko shivered still, daring open his eyes as his mother's hand moved to his burnt ear too…
She sobbed far more powerfully than before when her eyelids began to flutter in an awkward way: it seemed as though she wanted to open her eyes, yet at the same time, she didn't wish to do so at all. As though denying this reality, rejecting it, was a tempting offer, so tempting she nearly took it…
Nearly.
The kind amber eyes that had always gazed upon Zuko in that doting, affectionate manner, were riddled with tears and heartbreak this time. And yet he met her eyes with his own, as best he could.
"Z-Zuko…" Ursa managed to say again, shaking violently as her grip on her son's face strengthened. Her fingers had slid through his dark hair, so much shorter than how he'd worn it in his childhood… "Oh, my boy, my… I'm… I'm so sorry. Oh, Zuko, I'm so sorry, I'm…!"
"N-no, Mom, you… you don't have to be," Zuko whimpered, shaking his head. "You don't… you don't have to be sorry at all, please, don't…"
"Zuko…!" she gasped: the tears poured even more heavily down her face when Zuko was overcome with the impulsive need to embrace his mother properly, fully, for the first time in what felt like a lifetime.
He raised her slightly with the strength of his arms, no matter how weak he felt deep inside: Ursa's own arms encircled his neck as she broke down into sobs as well, face pressed to her son's shoulder. He rubbed her back, whispered softly in her ear, hoping she'd understand he didn't blame her, how could he? And yet…
"My boy, my Zuko, you… I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry… how… how could he? I… I never thought he'd… oh, I'm so sorry, Zuko, I'm so…!"
"It's not your fault, Mom. It's not your fault, please, it's not…" Zuko responded, sobbing against her, unable to contain the overpowering emotions that her every word, her every tear, elicited inside him "I'm still… I'm still me, okay? Even after that, I'm still… I'm still your son. Still your Zuko…"
It didn't seem as though Ursa questioned that reality anymore, though. The way she clung to him, the firmness of her arms around Zuko's neck, the mournful wails that burst from her lips whenever she couldn't speak proper words… all of it suggested the devastating reunion was taking an even worse toll on her than it already had on her son. Where she had held him as a child, embraced him when he had been so drowsy during their very last exchange, now it was Zuko who held up his trembling mother. The ordeals she had endured might have started on that very night, for all Zuko knew… and now, as he held her firmly, he resolved to set her free from all the guilt, from all the anguish she had endured since then. No one would ever tear his mother from his side again, not that way… not as long as he drew breath and could still fight back to stop them. He had no idea what she'd been through, but right now, he didn't think he needed to understand: all he needed to do was comfort her, ease her sorrows and reassure her that she would be fine… that she would be safe with them, come what may.
"Goodness…" Kino swallowed hard, hugging Momo to his chest. The lemur, ever a force of chaos, seemed to have settled into the embrace pretty easily, capable of reading the atmosphere to a degree.
"We… we should get some more food," Katara suggested, glancing at the other three. "And firewood, maybe?"
"Yeah… yeah. I guess it'll be a long night?" Aang said. Sokka sighed, shaking his head.
"Or a long tomorrow, maybe. I don't think she should be in any condition to explain anything, let alone to hear any explanations, as she is right now," Sokka said, unsure that Zuko would hear him… no, surely he wouldn't hear anything at all, wound around Ursa as he was, crying into her hair.
It almost felt as though the mother and the son were in a whole different world as the rest of them… and Sokka couldn't have felt more out of place for it. He had no idea how long it would take before Ursa was ready to confront a thousand truths she might not have been aware of, going by what little she'd said so far… but for now, it was clear her heart was far too battered to face anything else yet. Not only had she reunited with her son, but it seemed she either hadn't quite known about the scar he now sported across his face, or she hadn't wanted to believe it was true if she had heard of it before. Sokka suspected the second option would be closer to the truth, going by the words the woman had spoken…
He breathed out and rose to his feet, glancing at the others with uncertainty.
"You guys can stay, if you want. I'll… do a quick run nearby, find everything I can bring back for food or tinder."
"We can go with you, if you want…" Aang said. Sokka shrugged.
"Maybe, but someone ought to stay here, just in case they need anything," Sokka said, gesturing at Ursa and Zuko with his head.
"I'll stay," Katara said. Kino bit his lip.
"Me too," he said. "It's already pretty dark, so… I won't be much help out in the woods with you guys, I bet."
"Alright then… I'll go with you, Sokka," Aang said, with a small grin.
He rose to his feet, caressing Appa's snout gently before making his way to Sokka. The Gladiator loaded himself with his various weapons before taking off with Aang in tow: only Zuko could tell his mother had stiffened when the Avatar had spoken the Gladiator's name.
What, exactly, had been her circumstances? Was Huu right to say the White Lotus had frequently sought Ursa in the swamp? Had she been with them, for all this time, somehow…? It seemed so unlikely to Zuko… could she have been part of a group of strong opponents to the Fire Nation's campaign of warfare? If so, why would she have vanished frequently in the swamp? Did she take advantage of the spiritual connections in the location to gather information for the White Lotus… or was he looking too deeply into it, and she simply had taken to running off to the swamp because she felt better, happier, there? Happier amid visions and illusions… Zuko swallowed hard, pondering if that was the truth. If Ursa's unwillingness to believe that he might have grown might have come from having spent years, presumably, seeing illusions of the young princeling she had left behind…
But if she knew Sokka's name, and it seemed to Zuko that she did, it meant she had to have heard it someplace before. The White Lotus… if everything both Sokka and Azula had explained was true, they had wanted Sokka to join them, once. When he hadn't done it, they had tried to kill him. He had sabotaged their operations enough times that he would be a most reviled enemy in the eyes of most the leaders of the White Lotus, and Sokka himself knew so… but that meant he would be discussed frequently, same as his bond with Azula.
Did Ursa know about that yet? Was that why she had seemed to react in a strange way upon hearing Sokka's name? Did she understand more of the world and its latest happenings than Zuko understood about Ursa's circumstances…?
He could ponder these matters for hours, he knew… for days, if that was what it took for his mother to settle down. But he wouldn't know for sure until Ursa talked and explained things… and as she carried on sobbing against his chest, Zuko doubted it would happen anytime soon. Still… he embraced his mother now, he held her again, after so many years. He was taller than her by now, he was stronger… even so, he felt like a child once more just upon being near her again. She needed time, perhaps she needed space, too, and he meant to give her anything she asked for. His mother had come back into his life at last… and he would do his damnedest to ensure she would stay in it for as long as possible.
Finding food in the forest they had taken refuge in would prove no easy feat in the darkness… but both Aang and Sokka knew the Gladiator's reasons to step away from the scene might have obeyed motivations beyond the call of hunger. While their food reserves were certainly thinning out by now, they could have easily foraged by morning instead… but Sokka picked through the vegetation, collecting fruit and nuts that he handed over to Aang, nonetheless.
"This is… hard for you, isn't it?" Aang asked. Sokka grimaced: he had just found a big, fallen tree branch, and he drew Space Sword to hack at it effectively, rendering it much easier to carry back to their camp. "I don't really understand what's going on, though. But… well, you never really talked much about their mom either. I guess you didn't know her, but…"
"I didn't. She disappeared just before Ozai was crowned," Sokka explained, chopping the wood with timed, perfect swings of his sword. "I guess Zuko really didn't tell you guys much about her, huh?"
"Did Azula tell you about her, then?" Aang asked. "She seems so… well, so sad. It's hard to believe she was married to the Fire Lord…"
"To the second Prince, not to the Fire Lord," Sokka clarified. "Like I said, she vanished before he was crowned. She never did become Fire Lady."
"Ah, I see," Aang bit his lip, running a hand over his head, scratching his nape nervously. "Was she, uh, a good mother, then? The way Zuko reacted, I'd think so, but…"
Sokka frowned, unsure of whether he ought to answer that question or not. Again, the memories of the days he'd shared with Azula returned to him in a rush, and he swallowed hard as he tried to contain his urge to answer Aang with words the Avatar might not wish to hear.
"I don't know," he answered, with far more honesty than he thought he could put behind those words. Aang grimaced, eyeing Sokka remorsefully as the Gladiator turned towards him. "I don't think there's anything quite like the perfect parent… but those two weren't only unlucky because of Ozai, as far as I know."
"Really?" Aang asked, softly. "T-then…"
"I'm not saying she was as bad as him, not at all. I don't think that's even possible, frankly," Sokka sighed, shaking his head. "I didn't… want to explain it, alright? I don't want to, not in front of Zuko. But the dream Azula had in the swamp… her mother was the true nightmare in it. She woke up shaken and terrified because… because it had been Ursa, rather than Ozai, calling for my death in that dream."
"Really?" Aang gasped. Sokka shrugged.
"I'm not saying she would have been capable of that. Maybe she's not, and the swamp was messing with Azula well beyond reason," Sokka said. "But Azula didn't see her mother at her very worst just by chance, alright? They had… a very complicated relationship. It's even possible Ursa doesn't understand just how much her choices and actions impacted Azula… but, to be frank, I don't think Azula would even resent her that much anymore. Not after the much worse shit Ozai has done to her, at this point…"
"She used to think Ozai wasn't as bad as Ursa?" Aang asked, puzzled.
"You… you just don't have the full picture," Sokka said, with a grimace. "And I don't think it's up to me to show it to you. It's not up to me to determine whether Ursa is right or wrong, good or evil… I don't know that much, Aang. I just know that Azula spent years believing the very worst things about herself because her mother, whether intentionally or not, put many dark thoughts and ideas in her daughter's head. It took a long time for me to help her overcome it… and I don't even know if she really did get over all of it, to this day. At the very least, she seemed to accept she was worthy of love, but… who knows if she's even had moments when she doubts that these days, after what Ozai has done. Still… it's complicated, Aang. Families can be very complicated, and theirs… it's by far the worst one I've seen."
"Yeah… no kidding," Aang said, wrapping his arms around the bag where their so-far small haul of fruit and nuts lingered. "I've been thinking about it, you know? About how she wound up in the swamp and the things Huu said…"
"The White Lotus?" Sokka asked. Aang nodded weakly.
"We suspected Zuko's uncle is part of them. If he is, then… does this mean he knew Ursa was alive, for all this time? Maybe he even knew where she could be found, and… and he didn't tell Zuko?"
"Likely. Guess Zuko will be less forgiving of him if that's the case," Sokka said, frowning. "Not that I think he'll be eager to forgive Iroh for the harm he did by destroying Azula's life, but… it's not just Azula anymore, at this point. If he's even slightly complicit in keeping Ursa away from Zuko… hell, he could have helped them reunite in the years of Zuko's banishment, if he had wanted to. Why didn't he?"
"You'd be more likely to know than me, frankly. I don't know anything about Zuko's uncle…" Aang said, and Sokka nodded in his direction.
"Right, sorry. I just… this is all a lot to take, all around," he said, shaking his head. "The circumstances in which Ursa disappeared were weird enough already, terribly suspicious… I doubt Zuko has told any of you about it. He told me not even Suki knows…"
"But Azula told you?" Aang guessed. Sokka nodded.
"We… did share most things about our past. If there was anything we didn't share, it was because it slipped our mind, if anything," Sokka whispered.
"No wonder you guys were so attuned," Aang said, with a weak grin. "It's… like your relationship had all its chakras cleansed and opened, somehow."
"Uh… huh. That's one way to look at it, I guess," Sokka said, smiling too. "Though we definitely did fail at the final stage, no matter if we intended to abide by it. It… it was part of the balance we tried to obtain but failed at. In the end, we couldn't let go of our attachments."
"Well, if all goes the right way, from here on out, you won't need to let go at all," Aang said, stepping forward to clasp Sokka's shoulder firmly.
"I hope so. Though… I'm probably being stupid, huh? Thinking that… that Ursa's bound to take one look at me and decide I'm not good enough for her daughter," Sokka said, with a skeptical smile. "Not that it would change anything, really, but…"
"You saved her life. Both their lives, actually," Aang said, raising his eyebrows. "The swamp helped you know what was coming when Azula was attacked by that horrible spear… and this time, it gave you a vision that led you close to where Ursa was, and you saved her. So… she has very little right to complain or think lowly of you, I think."
"Maybe. Though, to be honest, I feel it's irrational of me to worry about that," Sokka confessed, with a sigh. "She looks like she's been through hell. Even if she didn't like me… I'll still need to truly know who Ursa is before wanting her approval or regretting not having earned it. Maybe she's not the strict, tradition-abiding mother who tried to restrain Azula so much anymore… maybe, just as we have been through so much crap, so has she and none of those things matter to her as much as they used to. Heck, as it is, I… I shouldn't be thinking about all this, should I? She needs to recover fully first, and then it'll probably still be a while before she's ready to explain her story and tell anyone about what happened to her…"
"And then it'll still be a while before she hears all our stories, too," Aang said, biting his lip. "If she knew about Zuko's burn… you think she did, right? The way she reacted, she wasn't surprised about it, just… really, really sad."
"Yeah… she probably did hear about it before. With the White Lotus, I'd guess," Sokka whispered. Aang sighed.
"Then maybe she'd also know he was sent to find the Avatar. So, well… explaining to her that he found me, and yet didn't turn me in to the Fire Lord, might be a little tricky if she were a Fire Nation loyalist, to any degree…"
"I wonder if she still could be one, at this point," Sokka mused, shaking his head and returning to working on the wood. "Though I suppose she might be… if she thinks the alternative, as in, the White Lotus, is worse."
"Do you think they are?" Aang asked: Sokka sliced another chunk of the large branch, cutting some of the lingering, thinner branches at the end of it, to make it a more reliable log. "They did awful things to you, to others, from what I understood from all your stories, both in the South Pole and in Whaletail Island…"
"I honestly don't know," Sokka whispered, working on the rest of the branch gradually. "But I admit… Ursa's sudden reappearance, and the likelihood that she had something to do with them, doesn't reassure me in the least."
Aang nodded, uneasy. The longer this war extended, the worse both sides would get, it seemed to him. Their small group seemed to rise up as a third option, to a fault… though they would have no choice but to join forces with the White Lotus, anyhow. Could they ensure the organization returned to the right path? Could they inspire them to fight for justice rather than revenge, if that was what guided them? Or were the chances to redeem the White Lotus as hopeless as any hopes to reform the Fire Nation now appeared to be…?
"Either way… we'll just have to give matters some time now," Sokka said, gathering the many logs he'd prepared far more quickly than he'd meant to – he really didn't want to return to the camp yet. "I doubt we'll be able to get back on the road right away, not when we'll be bringing Ursa with us now too. Do you think Appa will have a lot of trouble carrying so many people…?"
"Well, not a lot, but some trouble, maybe," Aang admitted. "Though with how thin she is, I don't think she's that big a burden for Appa."
"Well, we're not going anywhere for the foreseeable future anyway. Not unless anything dangerous comes our way," Sokka sighed. "Until she's calmed down, until she manages to patch things up with Zuko, the likelihood is she won't be able to tell us anything. It may be dangerous to ask her to take us there, but… she probably knows where the White Lotus's base is. Even beyond the fact that we saved her life by finding her and getting her out of the swamp… maybe we had to find her so she could take us to them."
"Maybe. Would make sense, if that were the case," Aang conceded, hugging his bag with fruit and nuts. "We were so confused about why we were all split off, but… to be honest, I'm still not sure. If we were just supposed to find her, we could have all fallen where she was, kind of like you did…"
"Oh, I walked a lot to get to where she was, believe me," Sokka said, shaking his head. Aang smiled weakly. "But you have a point. I mean… well, my connection with Azula served a purpose, for sure. Even if I'm uneasy with Ursa now, it's not even a fragment of the horrible feelings that overwhelmed me this morning. I had to talk to Azula, and she to me, so that…"
So that she'd share not only her fears and her uncertainties, but also the shocking news that returned to mind now. Her revelation had remained on the background, drifting in and out of focus while everything unfolded before his eyes. Yet that moment when she had led his hand to her womb remained etched in his mind, and he recalled it so vividly he almost dropped the firewood he was holding.
She was with child, and he hadn't told anyone about that yet. Ursa's presence made it all the harder to tell them, too.
"Sokka?" Aang called him, and Sokka's eyes rose towards him. The unease in his face had to be remarkably obvious if Aang could see it in the darkness of this forest. "You were saying something…?"
"I… well, never mind," Sokka said, with a weak grin. "I was just dazed for a second. Nothing to worry about."
Aang smiled and nodded as Sokka's heart sank. He had to tell everyone the truth, he knew he did…
But upon returning to the camp to find Zuko rocking Ursa gently in his arms, as he tried to soothe the still crying woman to sleep – her hands clutched and clawed at his clothes, as though she couldn't believe, even now, that it was Zuko –, Sokka wasn't sure how or when he'd bring this up. He still had to process Azula's revelation himself… and Ursa's return had brought up so many questions that Sokka couldn't quite tell the others about the most important tidbit of information Azula had given him.
He watched Zuko and Ursa after depositing the firewood, placing a few logs carefully to ensure the fire would endure through the night. Perhaps he should have found the moment reminiscent to Song's reunion with Myeung, or Haru's with Ran… it was, by all effects, a child reconnecting with his long-lost mother. Yet, deep down, he couldn't quite stop thinking about how surreal it was that he'd encounter the would-be Fire Lady the way he had. As he took his seat by the fire again, munching softly on some berries, he couldn't help but wish Azula could be here… wishing that Ursa would have reacted just as explosively, as emotionally, upon reuniting with her daughter. Would he have the chance to bring the two of them together someday? He couldn't know, not for sure. Not until he really understood the truths, the countless mysteries, that surrounded the woman Zuko held, mysteries to which he only had a few clues, not nearly as many as he had thought he held, before…
"She's not in the Fire Nation, that's what I've always thought. Whatever she did that night… I'm sure it has some relation with my grandfather's death. Whether she's the one who stabbed him in the back, or simply aided in the process, I don't know. But it's no coincidence that she would have disappeared when my grandfather died."
"I don't know what brought on the downfall of their marriage, but I never did have any reason to believe she loved him. Not if the way she treated Zuko was the standard for how she loved someone. She never treated anyone the way she did Zuko."
"I had a bad relationship with my mother. If that's any precedent, then chances are I would be no good with a kid of my own."
"Azula pretended she didn't care, but for once she couldn't fool me. No matter how troubled their relationship was, she was still her mother just as she was mine."
"W-what mother would hate her own child? What sort of a mother could ever…? She loved Zuko so much, so… so it's obvious the problem was always… the problem was always me…"
"Everything about my life is better, has been better, ever since she left. If she were still around, I'd…! She would have never allowed me to do anything, she would have held me back, held me down, she wouldn't…! I wouldn't possibly have gone south, I wouldn't have met you, you wouldn't be here now and…!"
"What does it matter if she's gone?! It doesn't! She's… she's better off away from me! I don't… I don't want her… I don't need her… I don't deserve her…"
Sokka's fist tightened as he watched the woman with compassion and unease alike. It hurt to even look at her as she was now, even as she seemed to have calmed down, soothed in her son's arms, finally falling asleep again. As she rested in silence once more, the fire's light played games with her features… such wicked games that Sokka's chest ached whenever the shadows streaked across the woman's face.
Azula might not be pleased to hear it, but Sokka couldn't deny, no matter how much older, tired and emotionally drained Ursa might be, that there were more points in common between their features than differences. It almost felt like looking in a mirror of the future, of what Azula might look like once they were older… Sokka clenched a fist at the thought, resolved to ensure otherwise. She would never be so weakened, so thin, so lost in this damn, rotten world… she would never run through a swamp, chasing mirages and fleeing from anyone who tried to capture her. She would raise her children all the way to adulthood without missing a single moment, without feeling the anguish her mother felt now, upon finding the little boy she had left behind had become a fully-grown man, facing dreadful ordeals at Ozai's hand…
And Azula would never spend so many years of her life alone, the way Ursa had: Sokka had set out on this journey to return to her side, and once he found her, no one would take him away from her ever again.