The White Lotus Fortress/Loyalty to the Disgraced
6
Dawn scarcely had broken when Princess Azula stepped outside her room, tailed by her two close companions, led by the Captain of the Third Squad. Clad in full uniform once again, Renkai guided the three women firmly across the lantern-lit hallways of the Palace, all the way to the westernmost exit of the regal building.
A group of ten more guards awaited them out in the Palace grounds. No words were exchanged as they fell into step around and behind them, marching at a firm pace towards the Palace exit that led directly towards the Temple.
It came as no surprise that the Temple would already be crowded, to a degree. Azula had hoped to avoid the thicker crowds, and she had no doubts the influx of people would only worsen within a few more hours, but being seen by even a handful of people was already bound to make her uncomfortable. Still, she expressed no unwillingness to partake in the ceremonies of Memorial Day: she continued to march behind the guards, nerves rising and twisting her soul as their group reached the long staircase that led up to the Temple.
Her outfit was light, to a fault. Her clothes weren't as regal as the ones she used to be seen in, let alone did she wear any semblance of armor: today, she had settled for the typical capes worn by the Fire Nation folks and a thick sash that wrapped around her prominent womb. She wasn't thrilled about that last garment, for she felt it highlighted her pregnancy excessively, but it was no state secret anymore, anyway. She only hoped that no one particularly perceptive or knowledgeable about pregnancies as to notice that she was a month further into the pregnancy than what the Fire Lord believed…
A pointless matter to worry about now, of course. The baby had successfully been passed as Zhao's, and it would continue to be until birth. By then, the truth would come out… unless she figured out a way to get the child to safety, of course. Still, that was, once again, something to ponder in the future: for now, the child would be safer if Azula played along with her father's every whim, which was what led her here today, to partake in a ceremony she hoped her father would allow her to finish before his arrival. Accompanying her father as he knelt at the shrines had been a long tradition for them… but she was perfectly happy to break it for both their benefits, knowing just how deeply she had offended her father with her willingness to live her life and see the world with different eyes than those he had taught her to use.
Heavy breaths left her chest as she climbed the last few steps. Song marched at the same rhythm as her, her breathing as labored as hers while she tried to keep Azula safe and sound, without any mishaps while climbing the steep, tall stairs. Rei followed them, drowsy and tired after waking up early from a not-so-restful evening – there were guests in the Palace all night making constant noise, some alarmingly close to her room –, but still ready to give Azula a hand in climbing the stairs if she needed it.
At last, they reached the top of the stairs only to be met with confused stares that soon shifted to astounded, amazed enthusiasm: even if there weren't more than thirty people in the open space between the Temple's gates and the main building, it seemed that all of them had stopped on their tracks to gape at the Princess with varying degrees of excitement.
Azula had believed Song and Rei's stories about the first day of the festivals, regardless of her personal feelings on the matter: even so, witnessing those reactions to her presence shook her. Her chest tightened as she forced herself to look forward, to not make a fool of herself… to ignore her surroundings as young sages stepped outside the Temple's main hall to help keep Azula's many admirers at bay.
"Princess, Princess…!"
"Shh! This is a solemn occasion! Be quiet!"
"But it's the Princess…!"
Exchanges of the sort permeated the air, sending shivers down Azula's spine: she had no idea how to be the Princess they believed her to be anymore. She used to find crowds irritating over their incessant bowing… now she found herself missing those days deeply: after having lost that position, that respect, even these wild, frantic reactions served as another reminder of who she had been once. Even a small glimpse of those brighter days of her life sufficed to break her heart… but she had to press on. She couldn't linger here, wasting time so that more people would show up and praise her… she had a duty to the shrines within the Temple, at least to one of them, and she had no intentions of leaving Lu Ten's incense waiting for much longer.
She marched as solemnly as possible towards the entrance hall of the Temple, followed by her two companions, still surrounded by many guards. Only a handful of them continued to tail them upon entering the building's premises, though Renkai still spearheaded the group. He appeared unsure as to where to go after a moment, however, and he slowed down to confirm the Princess's intended destination.
"The Royal Wing?" he asked her. Azula nodded firmly.
Renkai nodded as well before guiding Azula into the first of the large halls, filled to the brim with shrines. Rei stopped before crossing the threshold, and Song followed her example… though Azula slowed down upon realizing she was alone inside the hall. She turned a confused glance in their direction, and both the nervous women smiled at her.
"It's probably a private thing… right?" Song said. Azula crooked an eyebrow.
"Not to the point where I can't have any company. If you'd rather stay outside, that's fine, but… you can join me too, if you'd like to," Azula said, simply.
Song bit her lip as she glanced at Rei. Rei appeared even more nervous than Song was, no matter how kindly the Princess smiled at her.
"You know… weird as it sounds, this is your family now, too," Azula said. Rei's cheeks flushed. "You have as much right as anyone to enter this hall and pay them your respects… well, those of them you'd like to pay them to, of course."
"I… don't know any of them," Rei confessed, blushing. "I… I would join you, b-but I don't think… I don't know."
"Come," Azula said, with a kind smile. "You're better off learning about them as soon as possible… no better occasion than now. And you, Wen, should join us too. Otherwise, a wandering sage might just decide to take you for a tour of the rest of the temple and we'll lose sight of you."
"Oh, well… if you insist," Song smiled sadly, placing a hand on Rei's back. "Let's go, then. Azula needs us."
Rei bit her lip, but she stepped forward all the same. Azula smiled warmly at her before turning towards the shrines again: as usual, Azulon's shrine was the largest and most grand among them… but it seemed to Azula that it wasn't, necessarily, quite as grand as the one from the previous year. She crooked her head to the side as she admired it, curious and perplexed by the unexpected change.
"There's shrines for each deceased member of the Royal Family," Azula explained. "Some more agreeable than others, of course. A lot of them are complete unknowns for most people in this day and age… but those up here are familiar enough for me, to a fault. This one is the shrine of my grandfather, after whom I was named: Fire Lord Azulon."
"Oh," Song said, an eyebrow twitching. Azula grimaced and glanced at her. "Sorry, I… sorry. It never occurred to me that your name was paying homage to him…"
"Is it a burden or a legacy? Who knows?" Azula said, with a sad smile. "Though, in the end, I believe I've made my name my own, to a point where I'm not overly bothered by having anything in common with that bastard. But anyway…"
"They're your family and ancestors," Rei said, with an amused grin. "And you still call them names here?"
"I'll call them names anywhere if they deserve them," Azula smirked, amusing Rei further. "Azulon was… a controversial Fire Lord. For some people, he was the greatest of them all. For others, it's the entire opposite. The crimes he committed were so dreadful, however, that I can't even pretend I can see anything positive about him at all. I'm expected to kneel here and pray for his spirit… usually, I pray that he's in a nightmare of an afterlife, paying a thousandfold for every awful thing he did in life. So, if you don't mind…"
Her confession brought a pleased smirk to Song's face as Rei eyed her surroundings warily, unsure if anyone had heard the Princess's controversial words, but the Royal Wing remained empty save for them. Still, Azula breathed out slowly as she knelt by Azulon's shrine, following fit with the expected protocols as she brought her hands together. It somehow brought her no end of pride to kneel by Azulon's shrine while carrying a child inside her, a child of Southern Water Tribe heritage and blood. Where Azulon had attempted to dismantle and destroy their people, Azula had given her heart to one of them and she had tried her best to protect and save them from Ozai's vengeance. Whether she had succeeded or not remained to be seen… but being the mother of a soon-to-be royal child with Water Tribe heritage certainly seemed the best way to show Azulon that his legacy would come to its abrupt and deserved conclusion once Fire Lord Ozai's time on the throne ended.
She rose to her feet after a few moments, then knelt by Ilah's shrine. Where she often felt sympathy for Ilah, where she was grateful for the role her grandmother had in her father's life as a caring mother, even if for only a few years, today it was hard to feel that way at all. Was Ilah just as bad as Azulon? Would she approve of what Ozai had done, would she be proud of her son's horrific choices? Would she have allowed him to be raised into the terrible man he had become…? Or would she have stepped in, intervened and ensured otherwise? Considering she was part of Iroh's life for much longer than she was in Ozai's, Azula suspected otherwise… for her uncle, for all the virtues he had boasted of, was a scumbag in his own right.
She let out a dismissive, disappointed breath before rising to the next shrine… the only one she had truly wanted to kneel by: this time around, she raised her hand gently and touched the tips of the incense with her fingertips. After focusing her power slightly, the incense sticks were heated enough to glow bright orange once Azula pulled her hand away.
"Why…?" Rei asked, nervously. Azula swallowed hard.
"This is my cousin," she explained. Both Song and Rei were surprised by Azula's confession. "He was nothing like his father, of course… but he was the man who would have been Crown Prince if he hadn't died in the Siege of Ba Sing Se. The guzheng belonged to him…"
"Oh. That cousin," Rei whispered. Azula smiled and nodded.
"I didn't have any others. Just Lu Ten," Azula said, breathing deeply. "We're supposed to light the incense in these shrines, but… most the time it's my father who does it in this wing. I've always done it for Lu Ten, though… or almost always. His father, my uncle… he's barely ever been around during the festivals. So, lighting Lu Ten's incense has become… my duty, to a fault. I don't mind it one bit… for he's probably the only person in this room worth kneeling for."
Without hesitating, Azula knelt by Lu Ten's shrine. Her heart didn't rejoice in wicked or rebellious thoughts this time: instead, she closed her eyes and prayed for the safety and wellbeing of Lu Ten's soul. She prayed for guidance, if he had any to spare for her… she prayed for acceptance, knowing he, of all members of her family, would have approved of her choices, condemned her father for his own… he would have been merciful, kindhearted, true. He wouldn't have thought Azula deserved any of the nightmares she was facing… he would have held her as she wept, and he would have called her all sorts of fun, flattering nicknames and titles to cheer her up, as he ever used to. He would have gotten along so well with Sokka, Azula refused to believe otherwise… so maybe he would have approved, too, of the child she carried, knowing Sokka was the father. If only she could truly reach out to him, if she could see him one more time…
She took longer by Lu Ten's shrine than the rest of them. Her thoughts of him were much more painful, much more emotional, and she couldn't simply push them aside and move on to the next shrine. Lu Ten did matter to her, profoundly so… and her memories of him would accompany her forever, if she could help it.
Among those memories, she recalled a recent one, at this very shrine, in this very hall… the memory of the day when Sokka had knelt beside her, offering his own respects to Lu Ten, the only shrine before which he had knelt at all. Her heart clenched at those thoughts… as she evoked them powerfully, even more powerfully than anything else. The memory of Sokka kneeling beside her, showing true respect to the only person in that family who had only ever been genuinely kind to Azula…
Tears threatened to tumble down her cheeks, but she contained them. Sometimes it was easy to recall old days… sometimes, the memories hit her with the force of an avalanche, and she had to force herself not to cry, not to miss him so much, not to crave the easier past, when life had been so much simpler…
Movements behind her brought a frown to her face. For a moment, she thought she had evoked the memories far too powerfully, enough to hear him, feel him kneeling beside her… but when she opened her eyes, she didn't find Sokka paying his respects with her:
Song and Rei had knelt at either side of Azula, their bodies angled towards Lu Ten's shrine.
Azula glanced at them in turn to find them smiling reassuringly at her. Rei reached out a hand to clasp Azula's, and in that moment, Azula's memories of Sokka seemed to overlap with reality. For a moment, it seemed as though both the men she'd lost, Sokka and Lu Ten, would smile upon her proudly, knowing she was not alone. Knowing she faced her challenges with two faithful companions she had never expected to find.
Azula smiled warmly, squeezing Rei's hand one more time before elevating one more prayer while the other two did the same. Once more, those closest to her would offer Lu Ten the respect he deserved and her heart rejoiced in it, no matter how battered and wounded it might be.
The three women rose to their feet together, once they were finished honoring Lu Ten. Azula smiled at the shrine, at the portrait of her cousin before turning around – maybe she should just leave now, leave before Ozai showed up since he probably didn't want her here at all, since he'd likely prefer to do his own praying at each shrine on his own time, without her…
Her eyes fell upon a mediocre shrine, sitting by the corner of the hall.
Her feet froze at once when she was halfway to the threshold of the Royal Wing.
"Princess…?" Rei asked, raising her eyebrows when her adoptive mother didn't keep up with her and Song.
"Were you going to pray some more?" Song asked – she had assumed otherwise, for it had seemed the Princess would have chosen to leave Lu Ten for last…
But Azula wasn't done. To Azula's own surprise, she wasn't done yet.
"Just… just one more. Don't worry… you shouldn't join me here, I think," Azula said, offering her friends a sad smile before stepping towards the awkward shrine, easily ignorable among the rest.
For once, she approached the shrine of her own volition, without her father's meddling or pushing. For once, she gazed upon the portrait of that stern, beautiful and noble face without feeling as much shame and anguish as she ever experienced before her. For once, it was possible for Azula to believe that she might have failed to understand her mother every bit as much as her mother had failed to understand her.
She gritted her teeth before kneeling slowly… before bowing her head in heartfelt prayer. Whether Ursa was dead or alive, she prayed all the same: would she be proud of her? Would she think Azula had shamed the family, just as Ozai thought…? Her heart clenched as she pondered that possibility, right until memories of her mother came back at full strength. Memories of difficult moments, of arguments, of clashes… but just so, of her mother's profound compassion, a trait her father believed was unnecessary and meaningless. Memories of witnessing the kindness with which Ursa would treat her son, kindness she didn't offer Azula… possibly because she failed to understand Azula needed it just as badly as Zuko did. And yet it was kindness… kindness shown to the underdog, to someone who struggled against those who overpowered them. Would Ursa gaze upon her with that same kindness now? With that same compassion…?
More than that… was her father the true reason why Ursa had become who she was? Had he molded her, consciously or not, into the harsh mother Azula had endured for most her childhood? Had Ozai forced her mother to become a person she had never wanted to be… much like Azula had now become someone she had never wanted to be?
It was impossible to figure out the truth right now. Ursa was a mystery for Azula, and she probably always would be… but at least she was no longer as painful a mystery as before. No longer did Azula fear her mother the way she had in the past… no longer did she assume Ursa would only ever hate her, resent her, ask hurtful questions, or say spiteful words. For whatever clashes they'd experienced in the past, Azula had become someone very different across many years of growth, especially by her Gladiator's side. Ursa might have never approved of Sokka, for all Azula knew… but she would have approved of helping people. Of seeing her daughter becoming a better sister to Zuko, to the point where Zuko himself, upon hugging her, had said their mother would have been pleased to see that their relationship had finally taken a turn for the better. If Zuko truly believed that… if he did, then surely she wasn't that distant from becoming someone Ursa might no longer find despicable…
Tears surged in her eyes again as she clung to something she barely knew was there. Smoke and mirrors, she guessed, were certain to cloud her perceptions and convince her of notions that had no bearing on reality… but even so, she wanted to believe in them. She had no choice but to believe in them…
Such was her focus that Azula failed to leave the Royal Wing before Ozai's dreaded arrival: the third squad of Imperial Guards had no choice but to back away from the newly arriving first squad, accompanying the Fire Lord. Ozai strode into the entrance hall with firm footing, his fierce scowl ensuring that everyone would jump out of his way at once… even Song and Rei, who grimaced as they backed out of the Royal Wing of the Temple shortly before Ozai entered it.
Azula froze where she knelt, unwilling to make a single move upon hearing his approach. Just so, her father's firm footsteps seemed to halt in a clumsy, unusual way for his standards. Azula's chest clenched up as she remained where she sat, insecure, wary, suddenly terrified of whatever Ozai might think of her choice to pray willingly at Ursa's shrine. Would he send her out at once? Would he deem her utterly unworthy and unfit to honor Ursa at all? Would he think she was doing it to get on his good side again? The thought evidently hadn't even crossed her mind, she hadn't intended to be found by him at all, to begin with…
But here she was… and there he was. She could feel his stare bearing into her, probably glaring so harshly he could outright burn a hole into the back of her head. Her hands shook as she wondered how to apologize, how to back away without causing more trouble than she already had set herself up for. Why had he arrived so damn early…? Couldn't he have had the sense to wait until she was back in the Palace if he wanted to avoid her?
She was about to rise to her feet, to express her earnest remorse, when his footsteps approached. Once more, she was ready to flinch and escape… and yet she couldn't do so without risking offending him more than she already had. She had no choice but to endure, and…
"You haven't lit the incense."
His remark threw her off completely. Her lips parted as she turned her head slowly towards him, golden eyes perplexed and distressed… to find his own gaze was charged with strange, unexpected emotions. As guarded as she constantly was around him, suddenly Azula felt vulnerable… and she was surprised to find he might just be feeling exactly the same way.
"I… thought you'd rather do it yourself," she answered, her voice strained and weak. Ozai frowned.
"Perhaps. But seeing as you beat me to it, for once… I doubt she would take offense to it if you truly wished to light her incense this time."
Azula shuddered. Yet again, he displayed kindness she wasn't ready to accept, coming from him. Memories of their previous clashes, of conflicts they'd had but never truly resolved, came to mind: he had never regretted anything about the murder spree he'd sent Seethus on. Their conflict back then had simply dwindled into tranquility, but it hadn't been resolved in the slightest. She had been wary of him ever since, and the slave riot had done nothing to endear Ozai to his daughter anew… but she had managed to set aside some of her grievances with him, in the end. She had accepted her father and his countless flaws while hoping deeply that she'd be able to change the Fire Nation for the better without having to fall into a serious conflict with the man ever again… a hope that was obliterated once the truth of her relationship with Sokka had been revealed to the Fire Lord.
Was he finally done, then? Was that the meaning of his new display of kindness? Was he finally tired of punishing her, willing to extend a helping hand to her, even though it had beaten her black and blue for the past months…?
She'd be a fool to trust him. She would never repeat that mistake again.
Even so, she relented now. As she always would. If he wanted to indulge in the delusion that things could ever go back to what they once were, she'd grant it to him. Her dishonesty upon doing so surely wouldn't be of any concern for her father… it never had been, after all. As long as matters developed exactly as he wanted them to, he would be content. If he was content, he would be less likely to hurt those Azula cared about. That, ultimately, was the only thing that mattered at this point in time. That Ozai had lost his position within that exclusive group and become unforgivable in his daughter's eyes was no one's fault but his own.
She raised her hand delicately, pinching the tip of each incense stick. She didn't need to exert much power to light them: the scent of Ursa and Lu Ten's incenses were the only ones that spread within the Royal Wing.
Unsurprisingly, Ozai stepped forward. Azula pulled her hand back, lowering her head in a sign of submission, and he knelt by her side in order to pray at Ursa's shrine before praying at anyone else's. Azula's heart clenched as she eyed her mother's portrait with far more empathy than she imagined: again, she found herself wondering if there was more in common between the two of them than she had ever expected to acknowledge. Had Ozai done gestures of the sort like this with her, just as well? Had he driven her mad with his whims and rage, with his uncontrollable anger, with his constant deflection of responsibility… only to show her unexpected kindness just when she was resolving to hate him for all his wrongdoings and mistakes? Was that why Ursa had been such a complicated, difficult mother…?
For all her life, Azula had taken for granted that Ozai was a victim to Ursa in more ways than the apparent. She had thought Ursa had never loved him, whereas it seemed Ozai did love her… now she wondered if perhaps Ursa had loved him indeed, but perhaps she had realized that sometimes love wasn't enough. Some people wouldn't change, wouldn't grow, wouldn't forsake their most dreadful habits, their most toxic behaviors, just upon receiving love. Whether Ursa had loved him or not… for once, Azula found herself thinking Ozai would have never deserved her mother's affection whether she felt any for him or not. Much as he didn't deserve her own.
And yet…
She glanced at him wistfully, and her heart was at war as she studied Ozai's profile. He was the man who had first built her up, given her every opportunity she had ever longed for, prepared her for her greatest triumphs and achievements, taken pride in every challenge she overcame… just so, he had condemned her. He had doomed her to an unhappy life, most deliberate and eagerly, mercilessly punishing her by attempting to threaten, hurt and kill everyone she held closer to her heart than she did her father. The threats, the cruelty… all of it was every bit as real as everything he'd done for her in her youth. He inspired so much admiration from her once… and now he inspired her very worst feelings. Her hatred, her rage, her bitterness…
It hurt to realize all those emotions nestled inside her heart, even now. No matter how strong her wrath, that wrinkle of affection hadn't been buried deep enough to vanish altogether. Ozai didn't deserve it… he didn't deserve to be loved and cared about, especially by someone he had hurt non-stop. And yet Azula couldn't help her damnable emotions, she couldn't hold back her foolish heart from yearning for approval and kindness when her mind knew, all too well, that none of it was real. That all his kindest words had been empty. That all his considerate gestures had been coated in poison. That if she dared stray from the path he wanted her on, he would punish her for it without mercy.
So she drew her gaze away. She tried to shield her heart once more. She did her best not to let his strange, momentary vulnerability of her father's affect her any further. He didn't deserve the place in her heart in which he dwelled… but it seemed it was far too late to eject him from it completely.
Ozai ended his prayer after a few minutes. He didn't share any of his thoughts with his daughter: he simply remained silent until he rose to his feet anew…
"Will you join me?"
The question sounded innocent, though Azula expected it was anything but. Her eyes flickered towards her father again, uncertain of what to answer. Yet she knew, for the thousandth time, that refusing Ozai was not an option. It had never been meant to be an option, as far as Ozai was concerned… and now, when she had everything to lose and nothing to gain from rebelling, it certainly wasn't one, either.
So she nodded compliantly, rising to her feet slowly. She said nothing: she only accompanied her father, just as she always did during this rite. She knelt by every shrine with him, closed her eyes, letting her dark, unpleasant thoughts course her mind, until they moved on to the next one. On and on they progressed across the Royal Wing… until, finally, the process ended at the last shrine, the first one Azula had approached: Fire Lord Azulon. As ever, Ozai spent far less time at that shrine than at all the others.
Azula rose to her feet as smoothly as possible, successfully hiding her relief to see the long process of honoring their ancestors was finally done. She had found no true harm in it in her childhood, although she had been bored by the procedure. As a teenager, she had been embittered over some of the family members she was expected to honor, and she had done it begrudgingly or not at all. Not long ago, her strongest grievance over this rite had been over how she had opened her eyes to the truths of her forefathers' crimes, and she hadn't wanted to honor them at all, for they hadn't deserved any honor… Today, the one she most wished she wouldn't have to honor at all was the man who stood beside her, eyeing her with an inscrutable golden stare.
"I take it you intend to return to the Palace now, as we agreed?" Ozai asked. "Unless you wish to honor anyone else…"
"I believe it would be for the best if I left, yes," Azula said, simply. If Ozai's question had been posed in an attempt to mend further fences between them, to spend more time with his daughter in somber silence, he wouldn't have his wish.
It didn't truly surprise Azula to see Ozai frowning: of course, now that he extended an olive branch in her direction, he would take offense – how cruel it was of her to reject it. He was disgustingly predictable when it came to playing the victim, truly…
She was lucky that, for once, he would choose not to make a scene. He merely closed his eyes and nodded as he started on his way out of the Royal Wing, and Azula followed silently.
"Very well, then. I assume you have no intentions of joining the…" Ozai started, no doubt hoping to keep Azula out of the reach of the nobles and highborn who would attend today's feast in the Palace…
But his words froze before he could finish uttering them when his eyes rose towards the Temple's entrance.
A rumor of loud yet distant voices could reach them all the way inside the building. Azula hadn't paid it much mind, focused on her father… but now she scowled upon realizing this wasn't the wild, joyful first day of the Festivals. It was Memorial Day… and enthusiastic, exuberant displays were not only discouraged, but bound to be punished, even.
"What in the blazes is…?" Ozai hissed: only a handful of his guards remained in the corridor, as well as two of Azula's, Renkai included. The others were outside… containing what looked like a human avalanche, right by the Temple's long stairs.
Azula froze on the spot, eyeing her father warily. Song and Rei had remained in the hallway too: they filed carefully towards Azula, aware of what was going on, but no doubt unwilling to be the ones to answer the Fire Lord's question.
As it turned out, they didn't need to answer him at all: Ozai marched ahead to the front door of the Temple where Shaofeng stood, no doubt to demand for an explanation from the General. Azula let out a deep, anxious breath before glancing at the two women with her.
"What's going on?" she asked, as silently as possible. "Is it some sort of protest, or…?"
"I… I don't think it's a protest, but I guess it could become one," Song answered truthfully, shooting a wary glance at the doorway once more. "We've tried to stay out of the way, but…"
"It sounds like they're here to see you, Princess," Rei finished.
It wasn't the first time Rei had seen a frightened expression on the Princess's face, let alone was it the first time Song had… but the sheer, paralyzing fear that took hold of Azula right then and there floored them, too. Her face paled as she stood in place, breathing heavily, heart racing, her mind completely overwhelmed and overworked: what could she do? How could she convince her father to leave those people alone? Even trying to say anything would likely condemn them all the more powerfully than doing nothing… but doing nothing meant that, if her father lost his temper, he'd take it out on completely ordinary people. Would he truly hurt commoners that way when he stood to gain nothing from doing it? She wouldn't put it past him… but she hoped not. Oh, how she hoped not…
Ozai argued with Shaofeng right now, and until their bickering ended, Azula wouldn't move an inch. She stood in place, her eyes affixed to Ozai's shape, her ears attempting to block out the noise. Why would they be so foolish…? How could so many people not learn any better yet, damn it…? Did she have a right to judge them for not learning from others' mistakes when she hadn't learned enough of her own…?
If she'd known better, if she'd hidden her relationship with Sokka better, those people wouldn't be there. Ozai would have no reason to isolate her, so nobody would kick up a ruckus over the Princess's presence in the temple. If she'd understood how cruel and merciless her father was after his many failed attempts to murder Sokka, perhaps she wouldn't have returned to the Fire Nation at all, and that horde of Fire Nation citizens might have never marched up to the Temple to get a glimpse of her, for she'd be gone, dead, somewhere other than here, and…
Ozai finally finished talking with Shaofeng. Azula's stomach seemed to collapse unto itself, the sensation all the more unpleasant because of the pregnancy's heartburn. Instead of marching outside, of conveying orders to the guards, though, Ozai marched back into the depths of the entrance hall of the Temple… stopping right before Azula and her companions.
"It seems you won't be able to return to the Palace as quickly as we agreed you would," Ozai declared, bitterly. Azula blinked blankly, hoping not to show her fear, knowing she likely was failing to hide it. "Word has spread of your presence in the Temple and countless fools have decided to come here for a chance to see you in person. I expected the word of a handful of people would suffice to appease their greed and curiosity about you, but it is clear that I misread the commoners' foolish behavior. Therefore…"
He paused, and Azula grimaced as her nerves twisted even more. It was clear that Ozai didn't want to say whatever he thought he had to say next, and Azula was slightly more hopeful because of that: if his sole intention were to punish all the people who had come here to see Azula, he would have done so immediately. His unwillingness to speak suggested, perhaps, that the better solution was something he wasn't completely pleased about…
"It seems the easiest, smoothest path forward will be to give the masses what they want," he announced.
And now Azula felt like the floor under her feet had dropped into nothingness.
She couldn't hide her confusion now. She couldn't pretend she was perfectly impassive. Her eyes widened, her lips parted… and she eyed Ozai warily, as though this were a trap she wasn't willing to step into.
"I… I don't follow," she blurted out. Beside her, Rei and Song tensed up too.
"You will step outside," Fire Lord Ozai said, bluntly. Azula's shock was about to shift into denial, but her father continued to speak. "You will greet your many admirers. You may even give them a brief speech, to assuage their wild behavior and remind them that this is a day of reflection, solemnity and mourning rather than a reckless, foolhardy party like the one they seem ready to start on those stairs. It's maddening that they'd behave so recklessly there, of all places… any pushing, any wrong footsteps and they'll topple down to the bottom all over again. Fools, all of them…"
"A-and… you expect me to give them a speech to ensure nothing as catastrophic as that happens?" Azula asked. Ozai huffed, frowning heavily.
"It won't suffice, will it? Wretched fools," he said, shaking his head. "Perhaps you will need to take a detour, in the end. I did not intend for you to have any genuine public appearances this year in the festivals, but it seems this one, as private as it was supposed to be, has become public against my will. Your guards will keep you safe and escort you to the lake – whether you wish to partake on that ritual or not. Hopefully those fools will stop blocking the stairs once you leave."
"You're certain of that?" Azula asked, puzzled and wary of her father's sudden decision. Ozai let out a sigh and nodded.
"It will be the only way to divert all those damnable fools away from the temple and out of the way of those who came here for the sake of paying tribute to the Fire Nation's finest." he concluded. "Can you do this? I would have argued for your potential evacuation through the Dragonbone Catacombs, there are underground tunnels through which you could have easily returned to the Palace… but these fools will still be here, demanding to see you, and the problem won't be resolved at all."
"I understand… I believe I do," Azula said, nodding. "I… I can do this, yes. I shall."
"Then be quick about it. Do not extend yourself as much as you did two years ago," Ozai said. Azula's heart clenched at the spite she sensed in his voice.
"I won't," she said: he eyed her with suspicion, no doubt irritated upon noticing she still hadn't addressed him as her father, or as her Fire Lord, as she was wont to do in sentences such as the one she had just uttered.
"Then get on with it," Ozai almost barked before turning on his heels and marching up to Shaofeng anew.
Just as he offered kindness, he struck out with spite and bitterness afterwards. Azula couldn't contain the anger that surged in her chest, she had damn near let herself be swayed again… she had almost allowed herself to think her father was hoping to make amends. But as always, everything had to be on his terms… and this, of course, fell completely out of the very narrow field of that category of potential events.
"A-Azula…" Song called her. Azula breathed deeply and closed her eyes: yes, her father was despicable, that much she had known since quite a long time ago, since well before two years ago, when he had nearly committed a group of innocents to a pyre for daring approach him without his express permission…
But this was something that embittered him. This choice… he wasn't pleased by it, in the least.
It meant letting Azula speak publicly and address her people for the first time in ages.
The situation certainly didn't allow her to do anything too bold, anything too rebellious or reckless… she couldn't possibly ask those people to rush upstairs, to pile on their Fire Lord and restrain him and his men so she could claim the throne and fix everything he'd broken. The very notion was so ridiculous and laughable that she nearly laughed at it indeed…
She was smiling.
"Princess, this is…" Rei spoke tugging at her sleeve gently. "Are you sure about this? I-if you don't want to do it…"
"The Fire Lord's given me a command. I can't do anything but follow it, Rei," Azula said, with a sing-song voice. "If anything has become clear to me over the course of the last months, it would be that."
"Still… you can't do anything that crazy, can you?" Song asked, almost reading Azula's mind. "I know we said maybe you could do something to show the people you're with them and all, but… not this way, right? I mean, he's going to be there, his guards too, you can't just tell them…"
"Can't explain what happened to me, can't communicate with them in any significant way, no," Azula confirmed, eyes narrowing dangerously. "I'm aware of that. I won't say anything my father will find any fault in."
"So, no speech about accountability and responsibility?" Song asked. "No reminders of how valuable slaves and Honorary Citizens are…?"
"I'm afraid that would fall into the territory of things my father would likely flay me for… or flay people I care about for, just to make me despair," Azula said, bitterly. "So… no, evidently not."
"Then you'll just say whatever he wants you to say?" Song asked: she knew better than to express overt displeasure about that… but knowing Azula wouldn't be able to make good use of her first public appearance in months was depressing, all the same.
"I will. Evidently, I have no choice," Azula said.
But even then, the masses outside, growing louder by the minute, spoke quite loud and clearly of why her father couldn't do away with her, no matter if he wanted to. Whether Zhao was the official heir or not mattered very little: the Fire Nation people wanted to see her. They had come here for her. Their wild enthusiasm and eagerness obeyed no other reasoning, no other explanation…
And it showed she wasn't as powerless as she had thought she was.
No, she wouldn't make use of said power, not anytime soon… but as hard as her father had tried to tear her down, to destroy everything she'd worked for, he hadn't succeeded. There were some things he could never do away with… and her relationship with her people, it seemed, was one of them.
She breathed deeply a few more times before marching forward. Song and Rei followed her, eyes set on the Princess… as she suddenly stood straighter. As she suddenly gained an edge, a glint of clever determination and ambition in her sharp gaze that had been absent for months. To Rei, it was a novelty, even if it still reminded her of the young woman of the golden armor she had met so long ago… to Song, it was a shaking revelation that brought tears to her eyes: it was Azula as she had known her. The very Azula she remembered from years gone by, the daunting woman who seemed to embody power and determination beyond compare as she faced every challenge life might toss her way…
The noise outside was slowly placated as Ozai stepped into his populace's view: they appeared daunted by his presence, enough to finally quell their noise when he addressed them. Azula barely heard what he said, only catching a handful of words, most of them chiding the reckless misbehavior of many by treating such a solemn day with such carelessness.
"Both of you… wait for me here, okay?" Azula told Rei and Song, squeezing their hands gently. The two women nodded.
"Be careful," Song said. Rei echoed her sentiment quickly.
"I'll be fine… I'll be fine," Azula declared, though the fierceness of her golden glare spoke of deeper strength than she had exhibited for months now. Whether this was a display of confidence or of bravado, neither of her companions knew… but when Ozai next spoke, it became clear it was time for Azula to step up to face the crowd:
"… You are to be respectful of this occasion: Princess Azula will be certain to remind you of that."
A rumor, and then silence, as the unyielding, merciless Fire Lord Ozai spoke words no one imagined would come from his mouth. His golden eyes seemed to blaze furiously as he waited for anyone to make a wrong move, to say a wrong word… and as none of them did, he turned his head away from them and towards the woman who stepped out of the Temple, marching towards him as quietly and subtly as possible.
It was her first appearance in public in months. Her heart clenched, raced, jolted in a thousand ways, but she betrayed none of her anxiety and fear as she stepped out into the open. Many eyes fell upon her, and another rumor of noise began as Ozai stepped back, much as he had on another week of festivals, so long ago… Azula swallowed hard as she came to a halt where Ozai had stood before, raising her head to regard her people.
Most the expressions that greeted her were of astonishment, of amazement. More than a few of the folks who caught a glimpse of her had taken to staring at her prominent womb, gawking in utter disbelief, as though they had expected the announcement of her pregnancy to be false. Azula tried to keep herself from trembling, from losing her composure, from fearing what they might think of her now… for maybe they would no longer admire and revere her after today. But if there was any chance that she might reach out to them at all… she wasn't getting another opportunity after this, she knew. It was now or never.
So she took a deep breath and readied herself to speak. She felt Ozai's glare upon her, she knew she had to abide by his demands, to avoid stepping out of line… and even then, she also knew she was bound to benefit greatly, far more than she expected possible, over this sudden, surprising development.
"Today… is one of the most meaningful days for our nation," Azula spoke: the sound of her voice sent another rumor of noise across the staircase, but it fell silent quickly as commoners shushed each other in order to hear her voice properly. "Today we remember those who are no longer with us… those upon whose shoulders we've supported ourselves and without whom we wouldn't be here at all. Our ancestors, the most extraordinary men and women born to the Fire Nation… as well as everyone whose lives touched our own in any form. This is, indeed, a solemn occasion of self-reflection. Of honoring our fallen while we seek to live up to their example of sacrifice, duty and devotion to the Fire Nation.
"Today we look at the past, for the future is built upon it. No one can take the tenth step in a stroll without having taken the first one. Today, we look inward… all be it so we can carry forward into a promising tomorrow."
Instinctively, her hand rose and touched her womb, a gesture only those at the first row could witness directly. She breathed deeply, unsure if Ozai would interpret her words as an offensive betrayal yet again… she'd have to mitigate his possible outrage somehow, she supposed, no matter if he deserved no courtesies or sympathies.
"By coming to this Temple, you will honor the very foundations of the Fire Nation. You will respect the Fire Lord who has led us successfully for all these years. Where you may rejoice and celebrate our greatness in a myriad of ways throughout this week, today I ask you to follow your Fire Lord's example and pray… pray for a brighter tomorrow, for guidance from our ancestors, for the wisdom they can bestow upon us. The strength of our nation is that of our sovereign just as much as it is that of our people.
"So… don't forget the meaning of Memorial Day. Don't lose sight of what's truly important. Remember why you're here… and honor the pure intentions that brought you to this temple today. This week is meant to be a celebration of our people and culture, and nothing has been quite as vital for us all as the hands that built this great nation, as the minds that gave us our purpose. Remember them… and rejoice in having been born to the nation and the families that you were born to. For we are all fortunate and honored to belong to the Fire Nation as we do."
She wondered if that was enough. If that would suffice for Ozai to decide she wasn't being treasonous, that she wasn't pushing for unknown and mysterious agendas…
The people remained silent as she finished speaking. She wondered if that was a good or a bad thing: had they listened to her words, or were they just so disappointed in them, in her, that they couldn't be bothered to react at all…?
One glance in her father's direction revealed, to her relief, that he appeared satisfied with her performance. He nodded in her direction and Azula nodded back, graciously.
Ozai turned around, no doubt intending to speak with his men. The guards keeping the crowds in line had their backs turned towards her. Nobody could see her right now… nobody but the crowd.
And in that moment, a wild impulse took hold of her. An impulse that saw her starting to turn around to follow her father…
As she did so, she raised a hand, her thumb raised.
The spread of wild cheers, the uproar among the commoners was immediate, so sudden that Ozai turned on his heels with a confused frown as Azula lowered her hand and regarded him again with a perfectly stoic expression on her face. Her body had been angled so that the gesture would only be visible for the crowd at the stairs: the guards didn't understand what had happened either, for they hadn't seen the Princess's gesture… but the people could. They celebrated it openly, in a frenzied manner that evidenced Azula's assuaging words from earlier had entered through one ear and left through the other one. Ozai snapped his tongue and rolled his eyes.
"Curses, it's impossible. Get on with it, then, head to the lake: clearly those buffoons won't listen to a word anyone says," he grumbled when Azula passed him by. She nodded appreciatively, in yet another solemn display of submission with a hint of irony and scorn that Ozai remained oblivious to.
The guards gathered around Azula, and Song and Rei joined her too once she nodded her head in their direction. Ozai marched inside the Temple once more, no doubt to pray and show respects at other shrines in the Temple… and shortly after that, mere moments after Azula's group had started their way towards the sideways path that led to the lake, the wild group of commoners burst into the temple's terrains, no longer held back by the guards that had rejoined both the Fire Lord and the Princess. Most of them followed Azula, just as Ozai had hoped they would – the guards of the Third Squad tightened around the Princess and her companions, ensuring that the group of overly enthusiastic commonfolk wouldn't come anywhere close to touching their revered Princess.
"T-that was…!" Song managed to say to Azula, over the loud noises of voices calling for the Princess. Azula smiled at her and shrugged.
"A little odd, isn't it? I thought they weren't happy with my speech in the slightest…" she said casually, with a careless shrug. Song laughed at her words and shook her head as Azula smirked, her deviousness still going strong inside her heart.
What she'd done had been childish, as good as a tantrum… but it had also been an experiment. A way to test the waters to determine whether these people truly wanted to see her or if their true intent had been to lurk and snoop around, fishing for gossip. But they were more than just curious onlookers, that much had become clear to Azula… and her heart strengthened and soared because of that.
For Sokka's symbol still remained in her people's hearts: they had understood its meaning, their excitement upon seeing her thumbs-up had swept away Azula's heavy burdens if just for that one moment of rebellion her father remained ignorant of. Song and Rei's stories from their experiences in the festival's opening day had taken her by surprise, she had scarcely dared believe people missed her so much… she barely felt worthy of such affection. And yet offering them that thumbs-up had brought her back to better days, to beautiful days when the least expected man had become the hero of a whole nation… when he had become her champion, and he had conquered her heart as well as that of countless others without even trying to.
That they still remembered and cherished him was enough. She'd explain what she'd done to Rei and Song later, but for now… for now she smiled to herself, a hand resting on her growing belly while she heard the exclamations of excitement behind her, while the guards snapped and grunted at everyone who had chosen to follow her all the way to her next destination.
The small path through the vegetation and overgrowth led directly to the lake: many people flocked to its shores, where others were already sending out their lanterns for their loved ones. Azula's heart clenched as she watched the lotus-shaped lanterns floating in the water, finding the visual far more painful this year than ever before, not only for the memories it elicited but upon pondering just how many lanterns she would have to send today in order to truly honor everyone she valued… everyone she'd lost.
"Will you partake in the lake ceremony as well?" Renkai asked her, once they reached a clear enough area of the shore: by now, the large crowd that had followed Azula had seemed to settle down to a degree, no doubt daunted by the many Imperial Guards who kept the Princess out of their reach.
Azula breathed deeply as she watched the lanterns floating in the water. Perhaps it was foolish of her to wish to join this rite as well… but she wasn't beyond foolishness, truth be told. She smiled weakly and nodded in Renkai's direction.
"I believe so. Though… it will take me a long time," she warned him. Renkai nodded. "And… well, I didn't think I'd come here, so I didn't bring my knife. I'll have to borrow one… do you think the sages in charge here might be able to provide me with one?"
"I can't say for sure," Renkai admitted: the small group of sages, tasked with distributing the lanterns, appeared quite busy… their stalls were filled with lanterns, and Renkai couldn't tell if they were ready to provide people with anything other than that. "I can ask, but…"
"There's no need for that… I can help."
One of the guards near Renkai had overheard their conversation: he stepped up, offering Azula a rather small dagger, much smaller than her own.
"I keep that with me in case of emergencies, so… uh, if it pleases you to use it, of course," the man said, swallowing hard as he extended the weapon in the Princess's direction.
"That's… that's kind of you. Thank you," Azula said, reaching for the knife. The guard smiled behind his helmet.
"Consider it my own thanks for… for the recital from yesterday. We weren't meant to overhear it, I suppose, but your performance was… u-uh, anyway, please make use of the knife today, if you wish."
Azula couldn't hold back a smile and a gentle nod. These men were not the ones she had last visited this lake with, certainly not the ones she had set sail with into the sea months ago… no, these guards might just be deep in Shaofeng's pocket, and she wouldn't be so foolish as to trust them at all. But the man's display of kindness when she expected none had certainly caught her by surprise, pleasantly so.
"I'll return it soon," Azula said. "Now, though, I… I need lanterns."
"How many would suffice?" Renkai asked. Azula's eyes widened.
"Uh… damn. To be honest… I think you'll just have to keep them coming," she said, with a dry, tight-lipped grin. Renkai frowned.
"I… I shall try?" he said, blinking blankly. "We'll proceed to bring you several of them, then. Feel free to take your seat, if it's not uncomfortable…"
"It will be much more uncomfortable to do this on my feet, so I shall do so," Azula nodded, stepping towards the shore.
A few guards stayed with her while the others made their way to the sages' stall. Rei and Song approached her, curious about her intentions in this ritual.
"The two of you are free to join too, if you want to," Azula said. Rei bit her lip.
"To do… what?" she asked. Azula offered her a sad smile.
"To send out a lantern for those we've lost. It's a way to honor your loved ones, much more personal in some ways than mourning strangers in a temple," she said. Song frowned.
"I'm, uh… not sure I should be joining in," she said, glancing at Azula with uncertainty. Azula nodded.
"If you don't want to, that's fine," she said. "Nobody's going to force you. You're free to mourn for those you've lost, regardless of who they might have been… nobody will know, anyway. But if you'd rather refrain from it, I understand, Wen."
"Thank you," Song said, with a weak smile. Rei bit her lip even harder now.
"I… don't think I'll join either," she said, hands behind her back. "I don't have anyone to mourn and honor…"
"Huh… well, then, just sit with me and keep me company while I carve candles," Azula said, with a weak grin. "Should be fun… to some degree, anyway."
"I hope so," Rei said, smiling too.
"You can correct me if I write any ideograms wrong, even. A way to keep your mind sharp and your lessons fresh," Azula suggested, to Rei's amusement.
The first group of lanterns arrived, and Azula got to work right away. She took her seat carefully and carved the first name, the first one she always carved. Both Rei and Song watched intently from either side of the Princess as Lu Ten's name came together under the strokes of the knife. Then, Azula breathed deeply and lit her fingertips with a plum of fire… orange fire. She didn't let that faze her as she pressed the flame carefully to the candle's stem.
The second lantern, true to form, was Bao's. Rei's confused eyes posed her question well before her voice did, so Azula smiled and responded as she cast the lantern into the lake.
"Bao was a Royal Guard who served me, long ago," she explained. "He fell in battle against dangerous foes, on the very first challenging mission I was sent on. I've made a point of honoring his memory here every year… well, every year I've been in the Fire Nation during Memorial Day."
"Oh…" Rei bit her lip before bowing her head respectfully at the lantern. "I… I hope his spirit has found peace."
"As do I," Azula said, breathing out slowly: how she hoped that Bao was watching over his fellow guards… she truly hoped to never find out that they had shared his fate.
She took several deep breaths and stilled herself before etching ideograms on the third candle. This time, neither Rei nor Song asked who it was for: the very same name had prefaced the shrine Azula had been praying at earlier, when the Fire Lord had joined her. Azula breathed deeply anew as she lit Ursa's candle, unsure, as ever, that her gesture would mean anything to the woman even if she learned of it. Her heart clenched as ever at the thought… at the hope that, perhaps, her mother wouldn't be as disappointed in her as she dreaded she might be.
She breathed out slowly: the three lanterns she usually sent now sailed in the lake along with many others, slowly shrinking under the power of a single burning candle…
But she still had many more lanterns to send out. She gritted her teeth before picking up the next one, etching another unknown name for Rei and Song upon it.
"I… don't think I've seen those ideograms before," Rei admitted. Azula smiled.
"Well… they stand for Bato. A man who sacrificed himself to save his fellow warriors," Azula said, quietly. Rei's eyes widened. "I didn't know him personally, but… he deserves a candle of his own, anyway."
She picked up another lantern and etched a new name on it… though now it wasn't a mysterious, unknown set of ideograms. Rei raised an eyebrow before Song poised the question in her place.
"Nutbrain?" Song asked. Azula nodded solemnly.
"Indeed. Unfortunately, I don't know his real name," she said, as she lit the candle.
"Who was he?" Rei asked.
"Another man whose life ended too soon… and who doesn't deserve to be forgotten," Azula said, simply.
The reasoning behind these candles wasn't clear to Rei, even now… but it slowly dawned upon Song. She frowned as she watched Azula writing another similarly strange name on the next candle… as she pondered if perhaps these weren't lanterns Azula was sending for herself, but candles she was sending on someone else's behalf, instead.
"Booger…" Rei read the next candle out loud, cheeks reddening. "Uh… I'll be quiet now."
Azula laughed quietly and shrugged as she lit the lantern gently.
"I wish I could use their real names, but… unfortunately, this is as good as it gets. I also can't remember all of them, so… I might not be able to get to everyone. But I'll do everyone I can remember, at the very least."
"I don't think he'd mind much if you'd forget a few," Song said suddenly: Azula's eyes shifted towards her, finding a shared understanding in her friend's brown eyes. "If anything… I'm sure he'd be moved if he knew what you're doing."
"Heh… well, I can only hope so," Azula said, with a sad smile. "He… he wished he'd known their real names too, and I suspect most of them would be appalled if their spirits could see they're being honored in a Fire Nation rite, but… it's the best I can do for them, unfortunately."
"It's kindness. It's enough that you still keep them present, that their sacrifices wouldn't be taken for granted," Song said, encouragingly. Azula breathed heavily: she hadn't noticed her eyes were prickling with tears until then. She dabbed her eyes dry with the heel of her hand before getting to work with the next candle. "He'd be proud of you."
"There'd be no greater compliment… no greater honor than to make him proud, for sure," Azula said, with a thread of a voice, as she chiseled in the next name, in the next candle.
The guards came and went on at least five times before Azula was finally done with the gladiatorial names she remembered. She shook her head upon realizing she couldn't evoke more of them anymore… upon realizing she'd have to carve the more recent ones, instead. Her chest ached as she etched the name of the man whose death had brought her and Sokka back to each other's lives: the Dart Slayer floated off into the lake, and Azula picked up another lantern to etch in the next name.
"That's… an actual name, isn't it?" Rei asked. Song blinked blankly as she read it.
"Is this…?" Song asked, glancing at Azula.
She breathed in as she finished writing down the name, fingers trembling as she raised her fingers to light the stem anew. She thought she saw a spark of a different color at first… but it returned to its orange state quickly.
"Curse it. I… I'd wanted to light this one with gold fire, damn it," Azula said, rubbing her brow with her fingertips. Tears slipped past her eyelids now, tumbling down her cheeks as Song reached out and rubbed her back kindly.
"Don't force yourself. He'd understand, and… and so would she. So would Kya," Song said. Azula swallowed hard and nodded, clinging to her friend's reassurances.
"Still got a few more to send, but… it's just a shame," she said, shaking her head. "I… I'm sorry. I really am."
Kya's lantern joined the others, lit in orange, no matter how emotional Azula had been while summoning her fire for that candle. She still remembered the first time Sokka had done this himself, how her guards had taken up a position of reverent respect for Sokka's mother… how she had followed their example and Sokka had wept in grateful silence, watching as his mother's candle drifted into the lake. Today, she could only perform her own reverence as solemnly as possible… while repenting and regretting, with all her heart, every choice that had kept Sokka from being the one to send out the candles for everyone whose deaths had marked him, whose lives he had held dear…
She could have stopped there, she knew… but she wasn't sure it would be right to. It was, indeed, where Sokka had stopped in the past… but life had been so different a year ago, two years ago. He hadn't been forced to do terrible things, he hadn't slain anyone else since she had taken him away from the Amateur Arena… his soul hadn't been tormented by new deaths he had inflicted, instead healing from those of the past. But now…
She gritted her teeth before reaching for the next lantern: it was the last one left, but she turned to Renkai and nodded in his direction.
"How many more?" he asked. "Or should we keep them coming, yet again?"
"I…" Azula's breath caught: there were two certain lanterns she meant to send out on Sokka's behalf anew, lanterns she suspected he might not want her to send at all… but she would do so in his honor, regardless.
Yet… her mother might not be dead, and she had sent a candle for her, anyway. She had done it for three years now. Nobody seemed to mind… nobody seemed to object to it. And with the official information being what it was… didn't it make sense to do this for other people, too? Didn't it seem reasonable to at least try…?
"Actually… yeah, keep them coming again. Sorry," she finally said. Renkai nodded.
"It's no trouble," he said, bowing his head before instructing his fellow guards anew.
Song frowned as Azula turned again. The Princess gazed at her mournfully for a moment before focusing on the new lantern carving once more: her pulse trembled slightly as she etched in the ideograms for a name she almost wished she could erase completely… and yet it seemed like an even crueler fate to remember him, to show him a shred of the kindness and compassion he had always thought her devoid of. How much of a monster could she be, truly, if she was willing to pay such respects for a man with a soul as rotten as his…?
Song gasped: she did know that name as Azula jotted it down, and she certainly couldn't believe what Azula had done… but the Princess didn't hesitate, in the end, to light a candle for Rhone and send the lantern into the lake.
"I don't think he would've wanted me to send that one…" Azula said, with a sad smile. "No matter if they were friends, once. Rhone wouldn't have wanted it either, no doubt… I think I'm insulting him even more by sending it than by not doing it, actually."
"S-so… you're doing it to insult him?" Song asked. Azula let out a soft laugh and shook her head.
"Not really. I just know he wouldn't be able to see it any differently," she said, breathing deeply. Song gritted her teeth.
"You're way too kind for someone of your station, Azula. You really are," she said. Azula shook her head. Before she could counter Song's words in any way, though, the next lanterns arrived.
"Thank you," Azula said to the first guard to deposit two lanterns delicately by her side.
She picked up the first one… and then she frowned. To Rei's surprise, her gaze shifted towards her.
"Just… just in case you happen to know, did Zhao ever…?" she started, finding herself tongue-tied halfway through conveying her thoughts. She huffed and shook her head before looking at Rei anew. "Combustion Man's real name. I think he spoke it in my presence a few times but… I can't really remember it."
"H-his… gladiator?" Rei asked. She bit her lip as the name came to mind quickly. "Hakkai."
"Right… right," Azula nodded, smiling at Rei. "Thank you."
And so, that was the first of this batch of lanterns. Song, yet again, found herself mystified by Azula's willingness to acknowledge her enemies, people she should have despised… and yet she supposed that, deep down, she did it under the belief that this was the best way to honor Sokka, his suffering and his many sacrifices, on a rite like this one.
Azula took a moment to breathe again before glancing at Song with uncertainty, upon picking up the next lantern. Song raised her eyebrows.
"I… I have already sent a lantern for someone whose fate is unknown to me," she said. Song's eyes widened. "So… I think it's fair for me to… to do that for everyone else whose whereabouts I don't know, too."
"I… I see," Song said. Azula swallowed hard and nodded.
"Then… well, here goes," she said, shaking her head.
The first candle, she sent out for Zhilan. The next for Yawen. Little by little, she jotted down the names of every servant, every maid, every member of the kitchen staff she remembered… then she proceeded with the palanquin bearers. She would snarl whenever the names slipped her mind, but in the end, she sent about thirty lanterns for all the missing people whose fates were well and truly unknown for her.
Song didn't recognize those names, at least, not most of them… but her heart nearly stopped when she realized Azula was writing a familiar one, when she only had eleven lanterns left.
"W-wha…?" Song gasped. Azula gritted her teeth.
"I meant to… to do this for them. Even if I don't know what happened to them, but… I can't help but feel that's just more reason to do it," Azula reasoned, gazing at Song with uncertainty. "If… if you want to do it yourself, I don't mind if…"
"N-no, no, I… don't worry about me. This is… it's your rite. It's all yours, so…" Song said, trembling as Azula gazed at her mournfully.
"If you're sure… y-you can go take a walk too, if you'd rather not see…"
"No. I'll stay. I… I'll stay," Song nodded, inching closer to Azula, even. The Princess nodded appreciatively as she wished, yet again, that her gold fire were within her reach anew. Her hand trembled as she lit the latest lantern…
Fei Li's name floated into the water, and Renkai had to suppress a shiver behind Azula upon reading the name on the candle.
One by one, each name of the men who had saved Azula's life, much as she had saved theirs, floated in the lake as their Princess, to whom they had given their full loyalty, honored them in the best way she knew how. She couldn't help but evoke memories of them, of those last days on the Barge… of Tai Wei's hard work and exhaustion as he ensured the ship was on the right course, of Haoren's deadpan snark at Fei Li's every goofy comment. Of Taro's own frequent, humorous clashes with the man who had been their captain upon being promoted to Imperial Guards, of his frequent forgetfulness of his medicine… of Shuren and Wuhan, and their silent and complicit friendship of two souls who had found each other to be kindred spirits. Of Han, younger than the rest, ever eager to help… so eager he had taken her place in her room that night, when she had visited Sokka in prison. Of Qiang, resilient and strong, yet another stalwart guardian who stood in silence more often than not. Of Jianghuo, the kind man whose medicine had eased her and Sokka's pain over the last days they'd shared on the Barge…
And of course…
She couldn't contain the tears by then, as she remembered that final embrace, how each of them had stepped up to hold her in that last moment, professing their eternal loyalty to her. And there he had been, leading them with his head held high, with that dignity that only belonged to him. One of the truest friends she'd ever known… the shoulder upon which she'd found purchase many times, upon which she had cried when so much had fallen to shambles in her life. The one who had listened to her… the one who had accepted her terms, no matter if the others hadn't wanted to do so. The one who had worked the hardest to protect her, and he had become an invaluable ally in the process, a friend she cherished so much more than she had ever been able to convey…
She sobbed as silently as possible as she etched the first ideogram slowly… and then she heard the whimper beside her. She felt Song crumbling against her, tears spilling on Azula's shoulder as Song lost her composure, inevitably so…
And yet her hand reached up. It clasped Azula's… and it took the knife.
The Princess held the candle in place as firmly as possible as Song wrote the name of the man she had meant to marry. Of the soldier who had changed her life, changed her world in ways she had never anticipated it could be changed… the man whose kindness had seen her reuniting with her mother, discovering Myeung's fate, whose selflessness had helped her survive safely from the dreadful ordeals following the explosion of Ozai's wrath.
He had sworn he'd come back to her if the opportunity ever arose. If he ever had the chance… and even if she was jotting down his name on a candle, it was Song's deepest wish that he would indeed come back one day. He had to come back to her… and she'd wait until he did. For however long it took… she would wait for him to come home, so that they could make true on all the promises they'd left undone.
Azula took the knife from Song when the last line was finished. Song clutched her arm and wept, though she didn't take her gaze away from the candle Azula lit up next: the flame was gentle no matter if it was still orange. It reminded Song of his fire… of his own kindness as it accompanied his name into the lake.
Azula gritted her teeth, tears spilling down her cheeks as Rui Shi's candle floated softly, meeting those of his fellow guards. Yet again, they flowed away from her, out of reach, just as they had on the day she had last sent them away… but she sent these lanterns away with hope, with a deep belief that they were still out there, that they were still standing strong, undefeated by Ozai's efforts. That they had outsmarted the Fire Lord and his forces… and that one day she wouldn't have to send these candles for them anymore. Whether they came back or not, she wanted to believe they'd find safety, happiness, peace… no matter if she knew just how elusive all those things could be after all their lives had fallen apart.
A hand reached out to clasp hers… and then, to clasp Song's too. Azula raised her gaze to Rei, finding she didn't weep with them, even if her eyes were tearful too. She was far too empathetic for her own good, Azula thought, smiling sadly at Rei as the young girl leaned against Azula's other flank.
"T-thank you," Song said, softly. Azula breathed deeply and nodded.
"It's… the least I could do for them," she said, her voice choked up.
And now that all the guards' lanterns were gone… only one remained.
Nobody had to ask, or to spy upon the Princess to figure out which name was fated to be written on it. Her chest heaved as she reached for the final lantern, fingers trembling anew: the possible reactions and responses of those around her mattered little, if at all, when faced with the most difficult candle she would be carving, when all the earlier ones had been as difficult as they had been already…
Only now did she realize she had never truly imagined she'd have to do this. That the day would come when she wouldn't know where he was… when she would cling to a vision to remain certain of the fact that he lived, regardless of the information that claimed otherwise. If anything had gone wrong at any earlier point in their lives, she might have written this name on a candle that much sooner.
She shuddered at the thought, but she steeled herself: he was a survivor. He was a warrior like no others. Much as it was with her guards… the day had to come when she wouldn't have to write his name on a candle this way anymore. If it ever came again… then let it be once they were old and wizened, when their time ran out after having spent a lifetime of happiness and love together. That would still hurt, of course it would, losing him at any point in time would be guaranteed to hurt…
But losing him this way? Losing him now when their brightest days together, their most promising future, had been mere moments away?
It had been a monstrous twist of fate. A cruel hand dealt to them by forces she would never stop resenting. They had been fated for so much more… their partnership, on all its levels, should have lasted for so much longer. Greedy as she might be, five years weren't enough… a lifetime wouldn't have been enough either, not for a bond like theirs.
And yet here she was, raising a knife to write down the name she wished she never would have to write on a candle like this one.
She shivered so badly she had to stop after the very first line. She breathed deeply a few times before trying again, dragging the knife delicately over the candle, but again her trembling was so powerful she had to stop. This time she scoffed, laughed at herself for being so embarrassing… and then she tried again.
It took time, so much time… but after many pauses, many moments of emotional upheaval, the name she had hoped to call for as long as she lived was written on that candle. Oh, she would call it regardless, she would carry it with her anywhere she went… for he was part of her in every way that mattered. He was branded on more than a candle, on her very soul instead… he belonged with her, no matter how far apart they might be. No matter if life or death drove them apart. No matter how long she had to wait to see him again.
He had made her swear that, if the opportunity arose, she would seek him out, and once they found each other anew, they wouldn't be torn away from each other's side ever again. It would take too long, it already had… she missed him more with every day she spent away from him.
But her hopes weren't lost yet. They weren't completely gone just yet. She had fallen apart upon thinking he was dead, upon being told as much… but that wasn't the truth. She could feel him in her soul, in that shared connection that bound them together regardless of the distance between them. She knew he was still out there… so this candle wasn't a memorial. It was a wish… it was a promise. It was a reminder of him… and one she welcomed wholeheartedly as she cradled the lantern before lighting its candle, too.
A spark of color accompanied the orange… so fast, so sudden, that neither Rei nor Song could tell for sure what it was. Azula herself had ignored it, eyes so clouded with tears and heartache she simply brought her trembling fingers to that stem… and with that, the lantern with Sokka's name was lit.
Azula deposited it delicately in the water… wondering if perhaps Kya's lantern hadn't consumed itself fully yet. If it hadn't, Sokka's might just reach it… was it foolish of her to wonder if he would have a chance to feel closer to his mother over this ritual? It was just a tradition, truly, there was no spirituality involved in the end, she knew that…
Tears spilled down her face as she watched that lantern floating away, yet another reminder of the man she had left behind, screaming and crying after her in the South Pole.
She sat there in silence, in that embrace shared with her two companions, who hoped to comfort her after the painful, difficult experience of sending out a candle bearing the name of the man she loved. Her eyes didn't leave Sokka's lantern… and that was why she could glimpse, personally, as another lantern bumped into his by accident.
A lantern meant for the Blue Wolf.
Her tears stopped abruptly as she gasped. She never did take her time to look at other people's lanterns, for it seemed so rude to pry… and yet, upon raking the landscape of lit lanterns, she spotted another one before long. And then another, and another…
Her whole body shivered as she clung to Rei and Song tighter still… as her tears spilled faster down her face.
As a smile joined the tears… a disbelieving, relieved one.
Her people were mourning for him… for his absence, for the mystery of his disappearance, for the emptiness he'd left in his wake. They missed him, much as she did… they grieved for him, much as she did. And they bestowed upon him the most heartfelt of gestures, the most significant of rites in Fire Nation culture…
She closed her eyes and raised her head, a proud smile spreading over her face. That the man she loved would have earned such a tribute came as no surprise, it was absolutely deserved… and yet it filled her with further appreciation for her people. It filled her with profound gratefulness over their affection for her true husband, for her Sokka… for the gladiator she had sponsored as best she could, for as many years as their partnership had lasted.
Oh, if only he could have seen this… she smiled earnestly, tears running down her face as she watched his candle adamantly, refusing to remove her gaze from it as it floated further away. If only he had known how much he meant to all those people… if only he had known how much of an impact he'd had upon her world, how profoundly he had changed it, turned it upside down… and made it so much better for it, just as he made everything better with his presence, with his kindness, with his earnest authenticity. If only he had known…
Oh, but she would tell him one day. She would for sure… for she was no longer as afraid as she once had been. She was no longer as hopeless and helpless… for she trusted, believed, that he wasn't gone. That he would come back to her one day… just as he had always sworn he would.
She would tell him all about this when he finally did. About the world he had changed, about the most moving and heartbreaking Memorial Day she had ever experienced… a day in which she had found she wasn't alone in her sorrows. He had a place here… a place he would claim anew when the time was right. A place these people were happy to build for him, to offer him… a place by Azula's side. Her battered heart would beat with renewed vigor and strength thanks to him, for him, because of him in that landscape of beautiful, lit candles…
She would tell him about this, for sure. Until then…
Until then, she waited. She hoped, and she waited.