BLUEY: MONSTER POO

Bingo sat on the toilet, wailing.

"You all right, mate?" said Bandit, knocking gently on the door.

"No. I think I need help."

Bandit entered the bathroom.

"You want me to hold your hand?"

"I can't. Both my hands are toilet hands!" whimpered Bingo. "I think I need you to check my bottom."

Bandit sighed. It was going to be one of those adventures in parenting that no one warned him about. "Okay. Bum inspection it is. Assume the position."

Bingo stood with her back to him and bent over.

"Aw, man! It's all over your legs!"

"But I haven't even done a poo!"

"Yeah, but sometimes, when there's a monster poo clogging you all up, your body sends some gravy-poo down to try and shift it. And sometimes, when that doesn't shift it, the gravy-poo oozes round the outside of it."

"But I don't want gravy-poo on my legs!"

"I know you don't, Bingo. It's just part of life."

Bingo whimpered. "It's not fair. You're only supposed to get consternation if you don't eat your vegies. And I always eat my vegies!"

"Eating vegies helps, but it's not always enough. You're right, it's not fair. But I'm here to make not-fair things a little fairer."

Bandit did his best to wipe her legs with flushable wet-wipes, but crusty gravy-poo leg-fur is nigh unwipable.

"Can you wait outside?" said Bingo. "But stay right outside the door?"

"I'm late for a work meeting. It's important."

"Pleeeeease?"

Bandit sighed and washed his hands. "Yeah, alright. Just let me go get my laptop."

So, a few minutes later, Bingo was still perched on the dunny going "Ow! Ow! Ow!" whilst Bandit was sitting, back against the banister, directly outside the bathroom with his laptop on his knee. He knew he'd have a hard time getting up again, but that was a struggle for later. He fired up the laptop and opened the meeting. A brownish-orange hairy face stared back at him over the name 'Dr. Truffles Yorkie'.

"G'day, Bandit," said Truffles.

"Hi," said Bandit, a bit distractedly.

"Right. Straight to business," said Truffles. "What do you make of this?" He held up an old clay fragment.

"Looks like a really old piece of a cup," said Bandit.

"Indeed," said Truffles, quivering with excitement. "A really, really, really old piece of cup!"

"Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad?" called Bingo. "I've done a wee!"

"Hold on a second," said Bandit to Truffles, then put himself on mute. To Bingo, he called, "That happens sometimes when you're trying to do a monster-poo."

"But I can't wipe my wee with toilet hands!" whined Bingo. "It's not hi-jeelic!"

"Look, kiddo, you're just going to have to jump in the shower right after you're done here."

"But I don't want a shower! I've already had one."

"Gotta be done, mate!" Bandit insisted, then unmuted Truffles. "Sorry about that."

"That's alright. Have a guess how old this really old piece of cup is?"

Bandit pondered the matter. "Really… really… really… really… really old?"

"Preliminary dating indicates late Wolf Age."

Bandit's eyes went wide. He started drooling. "That's… not possible! That knobbly bit was clearly a handle! So that would mean…"

"That dogs had opposable thumbs at least seven thousand years earlier than previously thought," Truffles completed the sentence. "This is huge, Bandit. Huge. We're going to have to get some funding to expand the dig, and–"

"DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!" Hollered Bingo. "It really hurts! And I've got more gravy-poo! And it's everywhere!"

"Look, mate," Bandit called through. "You're gonna have to get in the shower, as soon as monster-poo arrives, because flushables aren't gonna shift that!"

"Uh, Bandit?" said Truffles. "You know you're not on mute, right?"

"Sorry," said Bandit, and muted himself.

Just then, he heard the front door open, and Chilli's infinitely welcome voice call "We're back!"

"Praise be!" muttered Bandit.

Bluey dashed up the stairs.

"Hey, Bluey," said Bandit. "How was Chloe's?"

"It was great!" Said Bluey. "Pwah, it stinks up here! Why are you on the floor?"

"Your sister's expecting another monster-poo," Bandit explained.

"Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!" said Bingo.

"Did you say 'monster-poo'?" asked Bluey, her tail wagging. "I've got an idea!" And she dashed downstairs, thundering past Chilli, who was on her way upstairs.

"Do you want me to take over poo-watch?" Chilli asked Bandit, squeezing his shoulder. "You can take the meeting back into the study."

"That'd be great, actually–"

"NO!" roared Bingo. "I ONLY WANT DAD!"

Bandit squeezed Chilli's tail apologetically. "I'm sure it's nothing personal."

Meanwhile, Bluey was downstairs, removing a cushion from the couch. Under the cushion was a crayon-drawing of a giant robot squirrel blowing up a planet with its laser-eyes; a rubber glove; two old magazines; a long dog; a half-eaten lollipop and a comb.

But Bluey had no interest in any of those things. She stripped the cushion cover off the cushion.

Inside-out, it was a delightfully unattractive brown – perfect for her purposes!

She then sought out two balls. It occurred to her to use Dad's cricket balls, but she ruled that out quickly. They were red. She needed Mum's white hockey balls. She quickly found them in the cupboard and stuck a black-dot sticker from her build-a-ladybird kit on each.

Then she wondered how to affix them to the cushion cover. She could hear Bingo barking and groaning and complaining of pain in between the incessant Blah Blah Blah of Dad's meeting. She needed to act quickly.

She ruled out glue. The balls were two heavy, and she didn't have time to wait for it to dry anyway. She ruled out sellotape for similar reasons. Blu tack… it definitely wouldn't hold the hockey balls to the cushion cover. Oooh! But it might hold them to wooden spoons!

She kneaded the blu tack between her fingers until it was soft and sticky enough to get the hockey balls to stay on the wooden spoons with two massive globs. Then she made two little holes in the cushion cover, making sure that they were on what would, when she un-inside-outed it, be the underside. No one would ever notice.

She poked the handles of the spoons through and put the whole thing on, lining the zip up with her eye so that she could see, albeit hazily.

One finishing touch. She went to the fridge, took a single stand of leftover spaghetti, and tossed it over her cushion-covered shoulder.

And there she was! A magnificent monster-poo with protruding, googly eyes!

"And we need to be really careful how we word it, because – Uh, Bandit? Did you know there's a poo-monster behind you?"

"A what?" said Bandit, looking round. A giant, bug-eyed stool was looming over him "Yeeaaargh!" He cried, falling over backwards and dropping his laptop.

Bingo was perfectly placed to see all of this, and squealed as she giggled.

Righting himself, and noting the telltale blue tail sticking out from under the monster, Bandit pointed to the strand of spaghetti. "Is that a bumworm?"

"Yeah!"

"Nice detail, kid!"

The sticky-out blue tail started wagging.

The monster-poo shuffled into the bathroom.

"I'm the monster-poo, and I'm coming to get you, woooooooooooooo!"

Bingo laughed so hard she fell of the toilet. Then she picked herself up, sat back down and screamed. Screamed so suddenly, there was no chance for Bandit to mute himself. Screamed so loudly and so shrilly that poor Truffles flattened his pointed ears and cringed.

Then there was an otherworldly cry of "BUISCUIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITS!" and an almighty splash.

END.