How Now, Space Cow
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"Permission to speak freely, sir?"
Ontarom wasn't the worst place to take a 'field trip'. Early on in their journey to find Saren, Shepard had decided that if the ground crew of the Normandy was tasked with exploring a fairly comfortable planet, they would take a little time to explore after completing their assignment. Usually, it ended up as just a brief tour in the Mako until a picturesque spot was found, then standing around for a little bit – fully suited, of course – before packing up and heading back to the Normandy. But today was their lucky day, because Ontarom was so pleasant that they didn't even need their helmets on!
"Granted, Williams."
So, here stood the seven of them on a mountainside, looking over the delightful valleys and plains of this newly colonised planet, a sight for sore eyes after the pressure cooker of dealing with Corporal Toombs.
"This cow is giving me the creeps. Can we just leave?"
Oh, yes, and there was a space cow.
Several of them, actually, but most of the creatures were standing together down in the valleys, exactly where you'd expect them to be, munching away at the local plant life. But this one cow was on top of the mountain with them – and apparently that was enough to set Ashley off.
"Williams, you're always so suspicious of non-humans," Garrus said, lacing the accusation with humour. Waving his arm in the direction of the cow, he added, "But what are you expecting this gentle creature to do? Bite your arm off? It's just a space cow."
"Stow it, Vakarian! I don't like the way that thing's eyeing us up. I'm not turning my back to it for even a second." At this, the marine gave her best evil eye to the object of her mistrust.
"I think he's got a point, Chief," Kaidan countered. "Remember when we arrived on the Citadel, and you said something about not being able to tell the aliens from the animals?"
"Wha-! Sir, why would you share that?!" Ashley sputtered, going back on her word by swivelling to frown at the biotic. "And I was just talking about my own lack of experience with other races!" she further reasoned, throwing her hands up in the air.
Garrus shook his head.
"The evidence keeps piling up, Chief Williams. Good thing C-Sec didn't overhear you, otherwise we might've had to drag you in for disturbing the peace with comments like that."
"That doesn't make any sense!" she complained.
"It's C-Sec, making sense isn't part of the deal. As long as they feel you're disturbing the peace, they'll keep an eye on you."
"How about this for alternative: we should just eat her," Wrex threw in for good measure. "At least that way she'd be proven right."
"Sir, they're ganging up on me," Ashley pleaded, turning to her commanding officer. "The cow is turning us against each other."
"Well then, Williams, I suppose it's a good thing we didn't meet this cow before we entered the base down there," replied Shepard. Smiling, he knelt down to pat the creature, which lent into his touch. "But somehow, I don't think he's a bad influence."
"Bwoo," the cow bwooed.
"Sir, please don't fall for its tricks."
"Tricks?"
"Yeah, skipper, tricks!" Ashley insisted. "Haven't you noticed how it kept creeping closer to us whenever we looked away from it?"
"Can't say I did," Shepard admitted, unperturbed.
"Well I noticed, and I'm telling you, something's not right about it!"
Sighing, Shepard got up.
"C'mon Ash, we've come up here to relax and enjoy each others' company. Let's just enjoy the moment," Shepard cajoled. Thinking the situation over, he added: "And on the off chance this cow is up to no good, what's it going to do to us? We're seven of the most well-equipped, well-prepared soldiers in the galaxy. I don't think a local herbivore is going to be much of a threat, shifty or not."
"Look, skipper, I promise I'm not trying to be difficult. It's just…" Ashley glanced towards the cow. "I just trust my gut. It's usually right, and my gut's telling me to stay away from that thing."
"Don't worry Williams, when it comes to the important things, I know you've got good judgement," Shepard smiled. "Still, I don't want to have to order you to relax with us. Think you can do that for me if I just ask nicely?"
Deflating in resignation, Ashley agreed and stepped forward to join the others overlooking the landscape.
"I suppose so, sir. As much as I trust my instincts, you seem to have the knack of embracing special moments for us to remember, so I guess I'll just have to go with your judgement on this one. And it is a pretty nice view."
"Now that's what I like to hear," the commander replied enthusiastically. "Wait until you see what I've got planned for the next birthday celebrations!"
"Not to put you off, Shepard, but I'm not so sure we've become one big happy family just yet," said Garrus, eyeing off his krogan squadmate. "Wrex was saying something about the smell of grilled turian meat over a fire earlier, and I'm not sure whether he was being serious or not."
"Heh heh," Wrex chuckled. "Wouldn't you like to know?"
"As a matter of fact, I would."
"Don't worry Garrus, I'm pretty sure eating sapient species is illegal in Council space," Kaidan assured the turian.
"I've spent half my life as a mercenary, Alenko," Wrex replied evenly. "Mercs don't make a habit of sticking to the law, and that's just when we're even in Council territory. You don't want to know what goes on in some places in the Terminus."
"If it involves eating turians, then I definitely still want to know," Garrus pointed out.
"Kid, you couldn't even begin to imagine the things that go on out there," Wrex baited.
"Wrex, how old do you think I am? I've worked with C-Sec for years, I've seen some pretty crazy things. In any case, it's not the imagining that's the problem here, it's the not knowing whether or not you've eaten one of my people!"
"It's true, Wrex, you are probably going too far by talking about turians like that," Shepard said. After a beat, he then added, "Now if it was batarians you were talking about…"
"Seriously, Shepard?" Ashley questioned, eyebrow raised.
"What's the problem? I thought you said they were animals," her captain replied with a smirk.
He received a growl in return. "Sir…" she warned with unconvincing deference.
"Ha ha ha, I knew there was a reason I liked you, Shepard," Wrex chuckled.
As the conversation between the soldiers devolved into another round of jibes, the remaining squad mates observed their companions with some confusion from their position near the cliff face.
"What are they talking about?" Tali quietly asked Liara.
"I am not sure," the scientist answered. "If I had to guess, I would say they are probably trying to provoke each other as a way of bonding. I don't really understand it, but I have noticed them doing this quite often."
"I see. I guess we—eek!" Tali interrupted herself, spinning around to look behind her. "What…what was that?"
"Something the matter, Tali?" Kaidan inquired, seeing an escape route from the rowdiness and making his way over to the pair.
"I felt something…grabbing at me," Tali cautiously replied, cocking her head. "But I don't see what it could've been. Maybe it was my imagination."
"You can never be too careful on strange planets. It could've been the wind, but let's keep an eye out, just in case."
Tali nodded and reached back to grab her Avalanche shotgun, holstered on her waist as always.
"Huh?"
Grasping at air, she craned her neck around, only to see a whole lot of nothing where her shotgun was 'always' meant to be.
"Wh-what?!" Tail exclaimed in shock.
"Tali? Something wrong?" Shepard called out from the group huddle, where Ashley was doubled over in laughter at something Wrex said that had left Garrus (metaphorically) squawking.
"My shotgun – it's missing!" she called back.
Wandering over from the 'pack', Shepard regarded his engineer with confusion.
"You didn't leave it back at the base, did you?"
Tali shook her head. "No, I can't have. I always use the same process for holstering my weapons, and we didn't really do much shooting down there. There's no way I'd have left it behind."
"I wouldn't be so sure," said Shepard. "Even the best of us make mistakes from time to time. Don't ask me what happened to that Equalizer I borrowed from Garrus last week."
"Bet you still haven't told him yet, have you commander?" Kaidan enquired, eyebrow raised.
"What he doesn't know what hurt him," Shepard replied while rubbing his neck.
"What are we talking about?" came a familiar, flanging voice.
"Ack!" Shepard exclaimed, leaping away to look at the figure who had appeared over his shoulder. "Garrus, have you been working on your stealth skills?"
Garrus stared at the man.
"Shepard, I'm an experienced C-Sec officer who happens to favour sniper rifles. Being stealthy is part of the deal. Anyway, I heard something about a missing gun? Have one of you found my Equalizer?"
"Oh, uh, afraid not Garrus," the commander stoically replied, giving nothing away. "Tali here seems to have misplaced her shotgun."
"Damn, I was just starting to get the calibrations on that rifle right. Equalizers are such a pain to get aiming where you want them to," Garrus lamented, shaking his head.
"Well at least you have another of your weapons of choice with you now," Tali complained, pointing to the Punisher on the turian's back. Turning to her captain with hands on hips, she added, "And I didn't misplace my shotgun. I'm always careful with my weapons, and I followed the same procedure I do every time."
"We're all professionals Tali, but you can't ever rule out human error. Or quarian error in this case, I suppose," Shepard mused.
"Look, why don't I have a search around here with my visor?" said Garrus, placatingly. "It can spot anomalies like a dropped shotgun fairly easily. I even scanned that cow just before, to soothe the Ashley's fears and—."
Garrus suddenly stopped, blinking rapidly. Something was wrong.
"And what?"
"…and my visor appears to be missing," he continued, haltingly, as though someone had just told him that one plus one really did equal three.
"I did think something about you looked different," Liara admitted.
"Hey, did either of you put my visor somewhere?" Garrus shouted back to the pair of soldiers behind him, who seemed to be sharing a joke about something to do with birds, judging from Ashley's arm flapping. They both shook their heads.
"What? No. Why the hell would I need your visor? I can see whatever needs to be shot when it's standing in front of me," Wrex said as he ambled over to join the group.
"Well, it seems to have gone missing within the last few minutes, and I was over there with you two during that time. It's a question worth asking."
"Yeah, but you know where else you were?" Ashley asked rhetorically from where she had moved, squatting to be eye to eye with her newfound nemesis. "Right here, facing off with this suspicious character."
She stared at it.
The cow stared back, hands grabbing at the air wispily.
"Not again Ash," Shepard groaned.
"She may be on to something Shepard," Garrus admitted. "When I scanned that thing I found no capability for it to be hiding a bunch of armaments that it has somehow stolen without us noticing, but that doesn't mean it isn't somehow poaching and quickly offloading our items somewhere. It's certainly got the means to be thieving with those arms, and there's really no other suspects."
Shepard raised his brow. "Really, Garrus? You think Executor Pallin would approve of your detective work there?"
"Probably not, but that's the reason I'm here on this planet following the first human Spectre, rather than sitting around waiting for to be let off the leash in C-Sec."
"Garrus does raise a good point, Shepard," Liara opined. "Even though it may seem unlikely, for Tali and Garrus to both lose valuable accessories on this mountaintop really has little explanation other than the one offered by Chief Williams, no matter how unlikely it may sound."
"It's like the old saying goes, 'once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains must be the truth,'" Kaidan affirmed.
"Can't go wrong with the classics," Ashley added, still facing the cow, "and if there's any detective worth following, it's gotta be Sherlock."
Expecting to hear a question or two in return about who this 'Sherlock' person was, Ashley was surprised to hear dead silence.
"What?" the soldier asked, turning around to face the group.
A variety of shocked sounds greeted her.
"Wow!"
"Huh."
"Uhhh…"
"Hmmm."
"Oh my!"
Befuddled, Ashley looked down at herself but saw nothing out of place.
"Why are you all staring at me?"
"Uh, Chief," Kaidan started, strangely nervous, "you—uh, your…your hair's down."
Reaching for her neck, the soldier discovered that it was as the lieutenant said – her hair was no longer in its usual bun, and was starting to fly around in the breeze. She frowned, before looking back to her companions.
"Really, guys?" she asked, incredulous. "It's just hair! With the way you're acting, I thought I'd lost my armour or something."
"The way things are going, Williams, you just might," Wrex groused.
"Though it is nice to see your hair at full length, Ashley," said Liara. "I find human hair quite fascinating. No other council species bears this genetic marker."
Tali coughed.
"At least, none that the rest of us get to see outside of extranet videos," the asari amended.
"Would my hair move around like that outside of my suit? I haven't really seen it very often," Tali wondered.
"Probably. It's nothing special," Wrex dismissed. "You see one species with these hairs on their head, you've seen them all."
"Most of us don't have the advantage of being ancient," Garrus drawled. "Forgive us for finding this interesting."
"A turian asking for forgiveness? I must be dreaming."
"Unfortunately, it seems some creatures find my hair a little too interesting," Ashley interrupted before the two could get into another slanging match. Swiftly turning, she narrowed her eyes at the space cow again. "And I, for one, have had enough."
Quickly grabbing her Crossfire assault rifle, she aimed at the space cow, who simply blinked back.
"Hang on Ash, let's not do anything rash," Shepard said, attempting to calm the situation down.
"I hope that wasn't an attempt at poetry, skipper," Ash fired back, eyes still on the target, "because if it was, then it was so lame that I might as well shoot you instead."
"That would definitely be insubordination," Kaidan noted.
"Oh yeah, LT? Well, sometimes a girl's just gotta do the right thing."
And with that, she steadied her rifle, and—
"Williams, as your commanding officer I'm ordering you not to shoot the cow!" Shepard interrupted.
"Does that mean I can shoot it?" asked Wrex.
Shepard gave his best 'stern officiousness' look at the krogan.
"Guess not."
"Sir, give me one good reason not to end the life of this thief!" Ashley ground out.
"It's completely harmless!" insisted Shepard. "Just look at its face! Isn't that enough?"
Ash did as she was told, looking through her scope at the peaceful face of the space cow.
"You're right skipper, it is enough."
A second later, three rifle shots rang out.
"Enough for what, Ash?" Shepard sighed, watching the creature fall lifelessly to the ground.
"Enough to know that cute things can be deadly, Shepard. Just look at those two," she waved, pointing to Liara and Tali, who were still muttering to each other about the wonders of hair.
"Really now?" Shepard asked doubtfully, crossing him arms. "Any other words of wisdom you've got for me?"
"It's not like I enjoy disobeying your orders, sir," Ash replied, now fidgeting slightly as she realised how she just blatantly gone against her superior officer's orders, "but it had to be done. If you need me to scrub the floors for a week, I'll do it for a month – but that thing had to go."
"I guess we should start searching its body," Kaidan said, moving towards the fallen creature.
"If nothing else, at least we can get some food out of it," Wrex stated pragmatically. "These things actually taste a bit like turian."
"I don't get you, Wrex," said Garrus, shaking his head.
"No? Well, just give it a few hundred years and maybe you'll figure me out."
"Mmm, as we established earlier, Turians don't really live that long."
"Yeah, I know," Wrex said, amused. "Isn't it great?"
"Mind giving me a hand here, Garrus?" Kaidan called out, seeing that the rest of the group were occupied with arguing over the shooting and/or marvelling at Ashley's hair.
"Sure," Garrus replied easily, turning away from the smirking krogan to look at Kaidan. Looking at the scene in front of him, he quickly noticed something amiss. "Uh, lieutenant, did you move the body somewhere?"
"What? No, I—oh."
"Yeah, oh. This is just getting weird now."
Their confusion was reasonable, for in the blink of an eye, the space cow had disappeared. There was no sign it had even existed, no pile of ash to indicate disintegration, nothing at all.
Wrex seemed thoughtful as he made his way over to the two would-be body searchers, now lacking a body to search.
"You know, I'm not really much of a detective, but I've been around long enough to know when something isn't right, and the longer we stay here, the longer I'm feeling like we're being played. I can feel it in my gut, like Williams. We should pack up and go, before even more important things go missing. Like us."
"Agreed," Garrus said, standing up from where he'd been inspecting the ground that previously housed the mysterious local. "Kaidan, any chance you can go and convince our commander to get us off this pleasant but increasingly disturbing planet? I think he trusts you to be reasonable, especially when he's not being reasonable himself," he added, looking at where their leader was furiously jabbing towards the valleys while an unconvinced Ashley shook her head.
Expecting the human to offer an opinion, Garrus instead heard dead silence. Fearing that his teammate may also have disappeared, Garrus quickly turned back towards the biotic and was relieved to find him still crouched over the space where the cow was meant to be.
But then, he noticed Kaidan was staring at him. Not just staring, but gaping his mouth too, like Garrus had said something terrible – or incomprehensible.
Feeling his instincts prodding at him, Garrus turned to Wrex. "What'd you do to Alenko?"
"Me? I didn't do anything," Wrex huffed. "You were the one that talked to him. Don't start blaming me if he breaks, ya damn pyjak."
Satisfied, Garrus observed the lieutenant again. Now, Kaidan was looking back and forth between them, like one of those clowns in the parlour game the humans sometimes would bring onto the Citadel for their 'fairs'.
Then, abruptly, the lieutenant shut his jaw with a clack, lifted his finger in the air in the universal 'wait a second' gesture, and fished around in his suit's storage compartment until he found an omni-tool.
Garrus waited patiently until Kaidan had finished fiddling with attaching the tool to his suit.
"Good to have you back with us, Alenko. Well, at least I hope you can understand us now," he said once Kaidan had given him a 'thumbs up' sign (which, he recalled from his C-Sec training, meant that something was 'good'. Except sometimes it meant 'leave this sporting arena', or 'you enjoy sexual relations with members of the same sex'. Humans were strange.)
"Yeah, sorry about that," Kaidan replied, scratching the back of his head. "It took me longer than it should've to realise what was happening. It's been a while since I've had a translator glitch out entirely. Well, I suppose in this case, it didn't glitch out exactly…"
"I suspected as much," Garrus said, nodding. "Wrex and I were just saying how suspicious this all feels, and then you go and 'lose' your omni-tool"— he made sure to do the 'speech marks' that humans liked doing to drive the point home here — "in the middle of our conversation. I don't think that's a coincidence."
"If it is," Wrex added, "we must be the unluckiest people in the galaxy right now – and in my experience, people that think they're just unlucky usually aren't paying attention. We should be leaving, sooner rather than later."
"So, any chance you can convince our commander to get us out of here?" Garrus concluded.
Kaidan shrugged. "Only one way to find out. Commander, the cow's gone!" he called.
"Great!" Shepard replied, surprisingly enthusiastic as he fled from the women now surrounding him. "Now we can forget all about it and enjoy the view."
"What?" Tali exclaimed as she trailed behind him with Ashley and Liara. "No, we can't Shepard, my shotgun is still missing!"
"And my visor."
"And my hair tie!"
"And my omni-tool, which happened to go missing around the same time the cow did," Kaidan informed his commanding officer. "Aren't you the least bit curious what's going on?"
"No," came the stern reply. It was almost believable, except for Shepard's twitching eye, clenching hand and jittering leg.
"Hah!" Wrex snorted, shaking his head. "Not sure how you got through any kind of military training with lying skills like that, Shepard."
"Yeah, commander, you wouldn't have survived a minute of C-Sec interrogation if that's the best you've got," Garrus added.
Shepard remained silent, crossing him arms.
"C'mon skipper, jig's up. I don't think even the doctor believes you on this one," Ashley argued.
"Yes, I must say that all prior evidence suggest you would be most eager to find out what is going on here. I would expect you to be 'biting at the fabric', as you humans say," Liara stated, guilelessly.
"I think you mean chomping at the bit there, Liara," Kaidan supplied. "It's an animal racing metaphor."
"You're not normally like this, Shepard," Tali continued. "What's wrong? We're not going to judge you."
Time seemed to pause as Shepard tried waging a staring contest against six sets of eyes. Needless to say, it was a battle he couldn't win, and after a few seconds he gave up.
"Okay! Fine! You win! You all win!" the captain shouted. "Yes, I lied, yes, I'm curious, but that's exactly why I'm trying to avoid investigating this! You know how things usually go – we stumble across some random situation, and then we spend hours chasing it down to figure out what happens!"
"So what's the problem, commander?" asked Kaidan.
"Look – I just wanted to spend time with you guys, without having to worry about the galaxy out there for a second, without having to solve each and every problem that comes in our path. All I was asking for was a bit of peace with my friends. Because that's what you are to me – each of you."
"Well, that's mighty nice of you, Shepard," Kaidan replied, chuffed.
"Yeah, but the galaxy doesn't want to play ball, sir," said Ashley. "Might as well get used to it – they're not going to wait for you. We can have a party after it's all over."
"If we all survive that long, I'll even bring the ryncol," Wrex intoned.
"A few shots of that and I think we'll all be leaving the land of the living. Well, except you I suppose."
"Wouldn't be the first time I was the only one to make it out alive. Good mercs tend to make a habit of it, in my experience."
"You telling me to watch my back, Wrex?"
"Always, Williams. Always," the krogan nodded, sagely.
"Especially when there's an alleged thief running around, stealing all our important equipment," Garrus added. "Look, Williams, putting the commander's touching speech to one side, I don't necessarily disagree with your choice to shoot that creature, but I scanned that cow earlier-"
"Before that thing stole your visor," Ashley muttered.
"-and I just don't get how it could've been hiding those armaments anywhere, whether on itself or in some hideout. I still think it's the most plausible explanation, but we didn't notice anything that makes it actually likely compared to something we haven't thought of."
"But we did notice!" Ashley insisted. "Remember? Anyone else feel the grabby hands like Tali did?"
"I do not think so, Ashley, although I would not really know what 'grabby hands' feel like," Liara said.
"Like this, doctor," Ashley smirked before suddenly moving behind the asari.
"Goddess!"
"Lucky for you, I'm not into chicks," the soldier assured her, moving back just as quickly to where she was before.
"What do avians have to do with anything? Is this a continuation of your and Wrex's joking about turians? Why would that make me lucky?"
"…you know what, never mind. Pretend I didn't do anything."
Shepard suddenly perked up at this.
"That's a great idea Ashley!" he interrupted, to more than a few doubtful or suspicious glares. "In fact, why don't we ignore everything that's just happened and look at the nice view instead."
"Uh, Shepard, we've juat been over this and…" Kaidan trailed off, noticing his commander's twitching eye returning in full force. "You know what? Never mind. Let's enjoy that view."
"Good thinking Kaidan," Shepard affirmed manically, eyes flickering back and forth. "Everyone else on board?" he asked, teeth gritted as though any further interruption to his tourism would cause him physical pain.
"Yes sir…"
"Of…of course Shepard."
"If you say so."
"Sure, why not?"
"Okay…"
"Bwoo."
"Great!" Shepard said with an unconvincing smile, only for it to slowly disappear as his mind did the mental mathematics of adding up the number of responses. "Wait a sec-"
A shriek came from someone (something along the lines of "AIIEEAARGH!") followed by the unmistakeable crack of a shotgun being fired.
Bits of space cow went flying across the area where the team stood.
"Now that is how you eliminate a target for good, Williams. Watch and learn," Wrex said to Ashley as he stowed his shotgun. The soldier just rolled her eyes in return.
"Took you a bit longer than I'd expect to get that shot off, though. Getting slow in your old age?" teased Garrus.
"Funny. If you really want to know, I went for my assault rifle first, but it seems to have gone missing. I wonder how that happened?"
Wrex paused to let the implication set in, before carrying on.
"Oh well, guess it'll remain a mystery. Personally, I'm more curious in finding out who let out that scream just now. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you, Williams?"
"What? You think just because I've got my hair down I'm going to start shrieking like a banshee?"
"Who knows? You're full of surprises today."
"She's not the only one," Garrus added. "The commander's looking a bit worse for wear right now too."
Said commander was on the ground, eyes wide open as he rocked back and forth, and appeared to have started foaming from the mouth.
"Uh…are humans meant to do that?" wondered Tali.
"It's not recommended," Kaidan replied. "Liara, how about you and Tali take care of Shepard for a little bit?"
"Very well, perhaps I can use some soothing biotics techniques on the command—oh, that's strange."
"Please don't tell me your amp is missing."
"Well then, I better not say anything at all, lieutenant," Liara said impishly.
"How is that even possible? Sure, it's not like my implant going missing, but our amps are still pretty closely connected to us!"
"We seem to be dealing with a force far greater than we might have expected. I must say, I don't see how the culprit could be anything other than that…shifty looking cow, absent though it may presently be."
"I'm not sure absent is the right word to describe having its brains splattered everywhere, Liara, but I get your point," Kaidan affirmed.
"No, I meant what I said, lieutenant. Look," Liara replied, pointing to where the space cow's body (or what was left of it) had once lay, which was now an empty space again.
Kaidan stared forwards for a long moment, pondering what it all meant.
"Huh," he concluded. "I think I'm experiencing déjà vu."
"Indeed."
"Aren't we all?" Wrex added.
"Bwoo."
"Ack!" Kaidan leapt away from the space cow as it suddenly appeared next to him. The others, equally surprised, attempted to ready themselves for an attack, fumbling around for an available weapon, but Shepard beat them all to the punch – quite literally.
Immediately recovering from his semi-catatonic state, he launched himself at the reappearing creature, tackling it with the ferocity of a hungry lion smelling fresh meat.
"What's your game, huh?!"
"..."
"You think this is a joke? That this is all just a laugh?"
"..."
"Well let me tell you something, brother!" he shouted, jabbing at the cow's face. "You don't know who you're dealing with, dude!"
"Bwoo."
"Um, Shepard?" Tali attempted to interrupt him.
"And I promise you, jack, that I fear no man, no beast and no evil, brother!"
"Sh-Shepard?!" Tali tried again.
"So you better say your prayers and take your vitamins, because otherwi-"
"SHEPARD!"
"Huh? What is it, Tali?" Shepard asked, turning around having finally noticed the quarian calling him. At her lack of response, he frowned. "Well? Spit it out! I'm in the middle of something here!"
"…sfax'mi doraa nim…" The quarian squeaked out, unable to look him in the eye. Dimly, he also noticed that Liara was turning purple, Ashley was playing with her loose hair, and the other males were looking at him in varying states of wariness.
"…I have no idea what you just said," Shepard stated, confused.
"She said your armour's missing, commander," Kaidan helpfully replied. "I'm going to hazard a guess that means your omni-tool's gone too. And your weapons. Maybe even your amp…do you carry a hair tie with you, perchance?"
Looking down, Shepard noticed that he was, indeed, quite armourless. And shirtless. And weaponless. And-
"You know what, LT?" Shepard said, interrupting his internal cataloguing. "I've had enough of this planet. Call Joker for me."
"On it. Joker, you reading me? We need you to pick us up."
"Uh, sure thing Alenko, but isn't Shepard meant to be asking me? What's going on down there?"
Kaidan looked to where Shepard was staring down the space cow, nose to nose.
"Yeah, he's a little indisposed right now. Nothing serious, but we'll explain once we get back on the Normandy."
"Alright, if you say so. Just hop in the Mako and head back a couple of clicks, I'll mark it on your map."
"Thanks, Joker. Alenko out."
Shepard and the cow had moved on to butting heads.
"Commander, we should probably be heading out, the Normandy's on its way," Kaidan said.
Shepard paid him little heed, preferring to seethe at the space cow again. "You'll pay for this."
"Bwoo."
"Oh yeah? Well, whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when Commander Shepard runs wild on youuuuu?" Shepard was shaking the cow at this point. "WHATCHA GONNA DOOOOOO?"
"Shepard, we really need to go!" Ashley called out, now feeling a bit sorry for the creature, despite its shiftiness.
Grunting, Shepard released the cow.
"Fine. Everyone, back to the Mako, double time. Once we're on the Normandy, we're straight going to the Citadel, and I'm going to Flux."
"Commander, I'm not sure-" Liara started, trying to reason with the man.
"I don't want to hear it, Liara. After a day like this, it is my solemn duty to get drunk in a place where I can forget about this stupid galaxy for a little while."
"No, Shepard, it's not that. Rather, it–the Mako is, well…"
Shepard, fearing the worst, turned his head towards where he'd parked his beloved tank.
And lo, his worst nightmare had come true. The Mako was not there or, indeed, anywhere nearby.
The scream he let out was the most sorrowful any of his crew had heard in their lives.
Somewhere in the Anadius system, a man with abnormally blue eyes received a report. Opening it, he let out a small chuckle – both at the activities it described, but also out of the surprise discovery it included. Pressing a button, he established a link to one of his most trusted operatives.
"Yes, sir?" came the operative's voice in her trademark Australian lilt. How she had never been caught out when undercover the moment she opened her mouth was beyond even him, but he supposed that's why she was one of the best.
"I'm forwarding you a report on Shepard's recent activities on Ontarom. I want you to take note of this 'shifty looking cow' it mentions."
"…really, sir? That sounds a little unbelievable."
The man took a puff of his cigar.
"Many of the truest things sound unbelievable on the surface. It may be nothing, but it may also be the key to defeating the Reapers. Most likely, it's something in between that. It'll be best to keep an eye on things there, and perhaps to have an occasional reclaimed stash of pirate weapons get dropped on the surface there."
"I'm sure that suggestion will make sense once I read the report, sir."
"I'm sure it will Miranda. We need every potential tool in our arsenal to take on the threat of galactic extinction, and if that means keeping track of possibly sentient allies, then so be it, no matter how 'shifty' they may be."
(And if he was subconsciously helping the Reapers find their next target, either now or in 50,000 years – well, no-one would be any the wiser. Not even the Illusive Man himself.)
A lot had happened in the past three years.
Of course, Shepard had spent most of that time dead, but for as long as he was back in the land of the living, he would be doing his utmost to ensure that he and the rest of the galaxy stayed that way – and so he had done, travelling around the galaxy, saving people on one planet and striking deals on the next.
But even the best of soldier-negotiators needed a break from time to time, which is how he found himself with his old crew at the Armax Arsenal Arena on the Citadel, arguing over…teams?
The six of them were outside the main entrance, trying to form two squads of three to compete for the "Kaidan Alenko Cup" in honour of their fallen squadmate, and while everyone agreed that Shepard and Ashley should be the respective captains, they couldn't quite agree on who should join which team.
Well, in truth, most of them didn't care that much and were happy to let the two leaders hash it out, although secretly Wrex and Garrus were eager to fight against the commander, while Liara would much rather have been on his side than against him. Tali, meanwhile, was a little distracted by something else.
"Hey Garrus," Tali whispered to the turian next to her. "Look at the scoreboard."
"Hmm? What about it?" he replied, curious.
"The fourth name down, on the current map setting. Look familiar?"
Garrus adjusted his visor to surreptitiously peek at the latest round of scores. There were actually some familiar names all over the board, which raised more questions than answers. Aria T'Loak made sense, but Barla Von and Al-Jilani seemed a bit less reasonable. Most surprising of all, though, was the fourth competitor on the list.
Garrus gaped as he read the board. There, clear as day, were the letters that may have been spelling out 'YOU ARE DOOMED'.
"Spirits, you don't think…? It can't be."
"We did see some strange things on that planet," Tali said. "What if it took all our armaments to practice with?"
"I'm not even sure how that would work! How is it meant to hold or fire a weapon with those weird hands? I'd like to say C-Sec wouldn't let it through customs either, but we've seen how stretched they are these days."
Garrus shook his head, as though trying to clear away a hallucination, but the words on the board remained, as though mocking him and the crew.
4. SHIFTY COW
"Do we…do we tell Shepard?" Tali pondered.
"Tell me what?" the man in question asked, overhearing their discussion after becoming bored of Ashley's insistence on not allowing heavy weapons 'because none of us ever got to use them'.
"Oh! Uh, nothing!" Tali unconvincingly answered, several pitches higher than usual, like she was back on Pilgrimage again and not an admiral of the Migrant Fleet.
"Convincing," Shepard said, full of sarcasm. He shifted his eyes over to the turian. "What about you, Garrus? Anything to share?"
"Maybe if we made a deal-"
"Garrus!" Tali interrupted, offended.
"I mean, no, nothing to report, sir," Garrus amended, standing at attention.
"Oh, well, maybe I should have you two on my team, then, and keep putting you in bad situations until you fess up?"
"I'm don't think you need to go that far, Shepard," Garrus cautioned. "Would you really want to do that on such an important day to your two longest serving, most reliable squadmates? What would Alenko think?"
"Would my two longest serving, most reliable squadmates ever hide anything from me? What would Alenko think?"
"Hmm, good point."
"…and?" Shepard questioned when Garrus didn't continue.
"And nothing. Sorry, Shepard, but my non-existent lips remain sealed."
Liara, not too keen on being forced to be on the team opposing Shepard, had other ideas.
"Shepard, look at the fourth name on the scoreboard over there," she said, nodding behind the commander.
Tali and Garrus both groaned as Shepard followed Liara's command.
"Why would do you that, Liara?" asked Garrus.
"Professional curiosity," the asari replied, giving nothing away.
"Somehow I doubt that," Tali replied, eyes narrowed.
Liara simply smiled – she was a very good Shad-er, information broker, after all.
"Heh."
That chuckle was from Shepard, who seemed completely unruffled by the ominous name on the scoreboard.
"Huh. I was expecting a bigger reaction," Garrus said. "Guess there was nothing to worry about."
"What, you think I was going to explode over someone using that name as a pseudonym? There are a lot of beings in the galaxy, Garrus, simple probability tells us that it's not unlikely someone just liked the sound of that as a nickname," Shepard said, grinning. "Can you imagine if one of those space cows actually walked in here, guns blazing? Now there's an image! Heck, maybe one of them stole all of Ash's hair ties."
"Yes, sir, you caught me. The reason I'm wearing my hair down is because all my hair ties have been stolen by the first known sapient member of a species we think of as 'space cows'. It definitely has nothing to do with me liking how I look with my hair down."
Shepard simply laughed.
"Or perhaps Ashley has been feeling a little lonely and wanted to be reminded of the feeling of…'grabby hands'?" Liara added pointedly.
"I preferred you when you were innocent, T'Soni," Ashley said, glaring at her and the still-laughing commander.
"I know."
Wrex, who'd been quiet up until now, suddenly spoke up.
"Shepard."
"Wrex."
The krogan fixed his eyes on the saviour of his people.
"You don't know the truth about this place, do you?"
"The truth?" asked Shepard, perplexed.
"The people running this place…they don't accept fake names. I should know. I tried, because I didn't want the females to know I'd been here. But they wouldn't let me go into the scoreboard by anything other than my name, so I told them to forget about it, just expunge my score altogether."
"You-you mean…" Tali stuttered.
"Yes," Wrex solemnly affirmed. "Either there's someone running around with the name 'Shifty Cow,' or our old friend has taken on that name for himself. Normally I'd say the first is more likely, but that's clearly a human name, and I can't think of too many humans that would have ID with 'Shifty Cow' on it – real or fake."
"Neither can I," Garrus agreed. "I've seen a lot of things in C-Sec, but never a name like that."
"There are some human tribes which have similar names," Liara pointed out. "Names like Sitting Bull appear in their history."
"Yeah, but those are translated names," Ashley countered. "Their real names are much longer, and this is clearly an English name, and that's the language we used to name you-know-who."
"And you have to admit, things that seem unlikely have a habit of happening around you, Shepard," Tali added.
Everyone was silent for a moment.
And another moment.
And then another, as Shepard began rapidly shaking in place where he was standing.
"Oh good, now you've broken him again. Well done, Wrex," Garrus mocked.
"Hey, it's no hump off my back," Wrex shrugged. "I'm not the one who exploded with rage after being outsmarted by a living steak. But in any case, Liara started it."
"Very mature, Wrex. I believe it was a team effort on this occasion…but it was Garrus and Tali who actually started it."
"Hey!"
"C'mon Liara, don't be like that."
"I'd say you all share the blame," Ashley said. "But I'm surprised you'd go along with it, Wrex. I'd have thought you'd be wanting to be in there fighting by now, and having Shepard go catatonic doesn't really help us with that."
"Oh, I'm always itching for a fight. But today, I'm trying to stay out here for as long as possible," Wrex lowered his voice, leaning forward. "The females are really getting restless. Even my quad needs a break from time to time."
Liara scrunched her nose. "That is too much information, Wrex."
"You're one to talk."
"Ha! Funny joke, guys, you really had me for a second there!" Shepard said, his brain finally rebooting. "Ha! Ha ha! Ha!"
"I wasn't joking. I leave that to the pilot," Wrex said.
"Anyway, it's not here so it's not my problem. So! I've come to a decision. Ashley, Liara, you're with me. You three," Shepard vaguely pointed at the other aliens, "are being rewarded by getting a beatdown for leading me on that like that."
"That doesn't sound very rewarding, Shepard, especially when Liara was the one showed you the scoreboard!" Garrus whined.
"Too bad."
"I think Shepard just wants to show off for the women he can breed with," Wrex opined. Tali's eyes appeared to narrow behind her helmet.
"Given what you told us before, I think you're projecting," Liara countered, because she was definitely, absolutely not thinking along the same lines.
"What she said," Ashley added, because she was also totally not thinking the same thing too.
"You've only got yourselves to blame," Shepard concluded. "Well, yourselves and the allegedly immortal space cow that wants to haunt us wherever we go. I still don't believe that name could possibly be that of our great enemy, but if it is, and it ends up dying at the hands of the Reapers, I'll go to Ontarom and kill it again and again myself."
"Heh, good luck with that. Might want to beating us first, Shepard," Wrex challenged, "and then you figure out a way to keep your armour on before you go around shooting innocent space cows."
"Don't you start, Wrex."
For most of his life, he hadn't had a name.
Members of his species had no names. They simply existed. Time meant little to them, as they grazed in the vast mountain wilderness they called home.
But they had access to knowledge. Knowledge that had been left by those who had come before, through the light-stones.
And through this, he came to know the truth. There were once other creatures that lived in this place, and then the not-creatures came, and devoured them all. Worse still, the not-creatures would come again.
And so, he devised a plan to stop destroy the not-creatures when they came to his home, and hopefully save himself and his family. He would simply have to train himself for stealth, in order to acquire the necessary firepower to destroy these enemies.
The light-stones did other things too. One time, he misjudged a cliff face and fell a great distance. As he ground came towards him, he was resigned to having failed his task and his family. Then, he felt a great pain for a few seconds, and then, finally…
He was back on top of the mountain, as though nothing had happened.
It seemed to defy all logic, but he, like all members of his species, had not yet learnt logic in the way that we know it. So, he just accepted his death-defying existence as fact. The occasional predators that stalked the lands no longer led him to fear. The opportunities that came from visitors loomed larger.
But he was still a space cow, and his planet was still a far-off place with little settlement. The chances of gaining the kind of armature needed to defeat the not-creatures seemed slim.
And then came the day of salvation.
The SSV Normandy (he had been learning how to understand these symbols that the strange hard-light-squares that the two-leg creatures would occasionally leave scattered around, guided by the light-stones) dropped off a vehicle with great armaments, and that had a number of inhabitants also containing armaments.
It took all the guile, bluff and cunning he'd learnt from the time spent falling off cliffs, annoying predators and raiding settlements to do the job, but what a fine haul he'd gotten – even if it had cost two rather painful deaths. Not that he could really be faulted for them, it's just that as soon as she spotted him, the pink female did not like him, and it then turned out that the alpha male did not appreciate being tricked.
But it did not matter. He'd gained weapons, protection, an all-terrain vehicle, and most importantly, access to the database some kind of military organisation. Through this, he had somehow been able to procure ever more armaments, though he was never quite sure how he'd managed to convince this military of his intentions.
As the years wore on, he was able to not only learn how to use these objects for fighting himself, but also give others that knowledge in training his people for war – mostly by using him as target practice.
And it had worked.
So now, as he heard the screech of the not-creatures arriving on their doorstep, as he manned the Mako cannon and prepared his people for the upcoming battle, he silently thanked those unwitting saviours for their generosity.
To the crew of the Normandy, he would forever be the 'shifty cow'.
But to the not-creatures, these 'Reapers' – he would be their worst nightmare.
After the Reapers were gone and the reconstruction of the galaxy had begun, a somehow-still-alive Commander Shepard was attending some official function he didn't know the name of. He didn't really care, either, as he was very happily retired (well, he was happy as long as you didn't ask about his increasingly confusing love life, thank you very much – apparently having one conversation after every mission only worked as a dating method when you were on an active military vessel).
He was currently doing his best to hide in the corner where all the free food was when his good friend/slave driver Admiral Steven Hackett sidled up to him.
"Shepard, I see you still enjoy these occasions as much as ever," said Hackett with a slight smile – which, for him, was the equivalent of an enormous grin.
"Good evening to you too, Admiral," Shepard said, surreptitiously grabbing some more food from behind him. Looking down, he frowned when he noticed he'd nabbed a quiche.
"Well, I know you enjoy pointless small talk even less, so let me cut to the chase – I want your opinion on a planet."
"Looking for a holiday, sir? You probably deserve one nearly as much as me, I'd say."
"Good to know you're only taking a holiday, Shepard, rather than being on permanent leave. Perhaps you'd like to take over my position when I go on leave myself?"
Shepard, looking panicked, frantically shook his head.
"Well, it was worth a shot. Anyway, the planet I wanted your opinion on was Ontarom," Hackett intoned, not noticing Shepard's suddenly petrified countenance. "Our scientists have been telling us for years that it's a near-perfect place to settle, and I was sure I remember you going there once before, so I checked your old mission reports. The report on the mess with Corporal Toombs was detailed enough, but compared to what I'm used to seeing on your planetary discoveries, your report on Ontarom seemed rather…short. Was there a reason for that? Or was the planet just not that memorable?"
"Oh, uh, no sir. It was very memorable," Shepard replied, trying to school his features. "It has quite the view."
"So I'm told. I'm also reliably informed that you had an interesting experience with some of the locals there."
"Who told you that, sir?" Shepard questioned, wondering which of his crew would've dared let that adventure slip and cursing them in his head.
"Your friend Miranda Lawson. She tells me that even Cerberus was tracking the planet quite closely."
"Tch. Of course they were," Shepard grumbled. Miranda knew enough to tease him, but she didn't know what it was like on that planet. The torture that they were put through would live with him forever.
He didn't wish that on anyone, except maybe the Reapers. Speaking of which…
"Sir, do you know if the Reapers made it to Ontarom?" With any luck, they'd have taken out the thief that still haunted his nightmares from time to time – promises to kill it himself notwithstanding.
"That's the thing, Shepard – from what we can tell, the planet was largely unscathed during the war, but not for lack of trying on the part of the Reapers. There is definitely material from dead Reapers left planetside, which seemed to have been killed prior to you reaching the beam, perhaps even weeks or months beforehand. We can't make sense of it."
Oh, of course. Just his luck.
"Well, sir, my recommendation would be to stay away from that planet. If there's forces on there that can take down a Reaper or two without us understanding how, I'd hate to think what they could do to our settlers."
Yes, it was for the good of the galaxy that they go nowhere near Ontarom. That planet was just too shifty.
Many thousands of years later, long after anyone those who were alive and knew The Shepherd and how he had saved the galaxy had passed on, the Galactic Council welcomed a new species to its membership.
"And now, we invite the leader of our newest member race to address us. Please, join with us as we warmly welcome The Immortal One, Shifty Cow."
Members of the audience clapped, although many of the humans looked at each other with confusion. Why was the leader of this new race named in a human language?
Their confusion only grew when Shifty Cow made his way up to the podium on the back of an ancient Systems Alliance tank to the sound of polite applause, and nodded at the audience.
"Thank you, your welcome is greatly appreciated by myself, and all my people."
He paused, and then…picked up the podium and slammed it into the ground!
Grabbing a nearby microphone and pointing at the audience, the Shifty Cow launched into a speech that would become the third most watched extranet video of all time.
"SO LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, DUDES! I WENT TO TOE-TO-TOE WITH THE SHEPHERD HIMSELF, AND I'M GONNA TELL YOU HOW IT ALL WENT DOWN…"