AN: Based on my early notes for the next few chapters, this is probably the last chapter where this will have a T rating. I'll be changing the rating before I post the next chapter.

Jane woke up the next morning feeling like an absolute idiot.

She'd slept fitfully all night, and had terrible, half-waking stress dreams about Maura. She dreamt that Maura had withdrawn from her, that she'd dated another awful man, that she'd found an incredible woman. She also had one where she had to do her ballistics recert and Maura was the range instructor and Jane's gun kept flopping over in her hands like jello, and she definitely didn't have the time right then to unpack that one.

She sat up in bed, rubbing her hands against her eyes before staring blankly around her room. She had choked last night. There were no two ways about it. It wasn't Bill Buckner letting the ball get through his legs, but it was up there. The night before, while things were heating up on the phone, Jane had already grabbed her keys and put her boots back on when Maura's frank assessment of what they stood to lose scared her back onto the couch, back into submission. It made her take the easy way out of the conversation as soon as it was offered.

She could still hear the disappointment in Maura's voice. Jane had been so gripped with the terror of losing her, she hadn't realized she might have taken the first step in that direction last night. They'd finally been having a real conversation about their feelings and Jane ran away from it like a coward.

Jane was afraid of the depth of her feelings, and her uncertainty about Maura's. She was deep in it, big time love, never felt this way in her life. Where was Maura? She'd said before that Ian was the love of her life, and Jane knew with absolute clarity that Maura was hers. Where would that leave her if that asshole wised up? But the way Maura had talked about their friendship last night, that depth of connection. Jane worried her lower lip as she recalled it. She'd said none of her previous romantic partners had meant that much. No. There's no way this wasn't the real thing. And even if she wasn't talking about romantic love, Jane could wait. If Jane was in love and Maura wasn't, that wasn't the end of the world. Jane could keep a lid on it and hope that Maura caught up.

Jane scrambled out of bed. She had to fix it, before Maura realized she was way out of Jane's league. Jane was just a skinny, greaseball, dyke detective. She teased Maura endlessly, rolled her eyes when Maura was passionate about something, nearly killed herself right in front of Maura. Maura, who was so good and kind and patient and oh god. What had Jane done? There was a brilliant millionaire doctor goddess out there who for some reason wanted Jane, and Jane was anywhere else.

She glanced at her watch and formulated a plan. Thirty three minutes later, Jo Friday was walked and fed, and Jane was showered and dressed, and she was in her car on her way to Beacon Hill.

She still had a key, which upon reflection felt crazy. They'd been fighting for six months and she never gave this back? Maura never asked? She rang the doorbell, then knocked, then waited, then frowned. Maura not being here didn't track. It was too early for her to have left for work, too late for her to still be asleep. She was on her way to check the garage for Maura's car when Angela poked her head out of the guesthouse.

"Janie! What are you doing here?"

"Oh, just checking the water meter," Jane deadpanned. "What do you think I'm doing? I came to see Maura."

Angela gave Jane a disapproving, suspicious look. "But she's not here. She left early this morning. She had a bunch of stuff with her." A beat. "What did you do, Jane?"

Jane's mouth dropped at the near-immediate accusation of wrongdoing. "What the hell, Ma? I didn't do anything." Technically true. Also technically the problem.

Angela looked unconvinced. "I just know you always let each other know where you are, when things are good."

Jane frowned, because that was true, too. "She probably got called in on someone else's case or something. I'll find her at the station. You want a lift?"

"No, I've got errands after work, so I'll take my car," Angela said, watching her daughter carefully. Jane could feel the desire to meddle further rolling off of her mother in waves, but the older woman managed to restrain herself. "Come by the cafe and say hi to your mother today, okay?"

"Yeah, Ma. I will." Jane watched her mother disappear back into the guest house before she got back into her car. She pulled out her cellphone, opening her texts with Maura. The first thing she saw was the hearts emoji she'd never responded to, and she swallowed guiltily. Scrolling up quickly, she looked for a text about Maura having any plans today, and found nothing. She tossed her phone onto the passenger seat and started the drive to the station.

Jane had made her way to the basement as soon as she arrived at the precinct, and found everything dark still.

"What the fuck," she muttered, swiping her keycard to get into the morgue. She made a beeline for Maura's office and let herself in with the other key she still inexplicably had. Should she have even had this one in the first place? A detective with the keys to the office of the chief medical examiner? It felt like maybe there should be a rule about that one.

She flicked on the lights and examined Maura's office carefully, and Jane was certain the doctor hadn't been here yet. There was no coffee cup in the trash, which was changed nightly. Jane walked over to the desk and examined the items that were easily visible, searching for a clue to Maura's whereabouts. Was she called to another jurisdiction? It was too early for her to be appearing in court for any reason. Jane's brows knit together as she tried to figure it out.

She could, of course, ask. But on the off chance that Maura had in fact informed Jane of her planned whereabouts, she wasn't going to text, because if Jane did and Maura had, then on top of being the enormous chicken who wimped out on the phone last night, Jane would also be the forgetful, inconsiderate friend who couldn't keep track of what she'd been told. Maura's desk unfortunately provided no clues, and with a sigh, Jane made her way back out to the morgue.

Susie Chang nearly lept out of her skin when she was startled by the unexpected and way too early appearance by the detective. Jane lifted her hands in apology.

"Whoa, Chang, I'm sorry. Didn't mean to scare you."

"I wasn't scared," Chang said way too quickly. Jane raised an eyebrow and observed the senior criminalist curiously. She'd always felt bad about making her so uncomfortable. She thought she was always being quite nice and casual and convivial with all of Maura's employees, but Chang was always on edge whenever Jane was around. With a slight frown she watched as Susie trembled just slightly, her eyes wide, her pupils dilating, her eyes darting down to Jane's…Oh. Ohhhh. Of course.

Jane smiled sympathetically. "Of course not."

"Were you looking for Doctor Isles? I think she was planning to go directly to the conference."

"The…conference. Yes of course. She probably went directly to it. It being the conference." Jane racked her brain, and her confusion was clearly apparent. Susie tilted her head at the detective.

"You were CCed on the email, Detective Rizzoli. I checked for your name." Chang seemed immediately embarrassed by that admission.

Jane was about to insist that she knew exactly what email Susie was talking about, but decided on a different track. "I gotta admit, Chang, she sends a lot of emails and I don't always look at all of them, but I'm gonna from now on. Do you think me having no idea about where she was today could stay between us? For…reasons." She gave the senior criminalist a conspiratorial look and a waggle of her eyebrows. Susie blushed.

"I…your secret's safe with me, Detective."

"You're the best, Chang." Jane offered a grin and a wink and bounded off for the elevators. On her way up to the third floor she pulled up her emails on her phone. There it was, from a week ago, an email about an International Forensic Medicine conference at the Hynes Convention Centre, with reception to be held at the Lenox Hotel. Maura was a panel speaker, as well as the chair of a roundtable discussion. God, she was so important and accomplished. Jane released a lovesick sigh as the doors opened on the third floor.

A plan was formulating in her head, but it was interrupted by her cell phone just as she walked into the bullpen. She saw it was dispatch, and saw Frost reach for his phone as well. She gave him a commiserating look. "It's gonna be with Pike," she informed him. He grimaced, and they both answered their phones.

Hours later, Jane felt thoroughly punished for her cowardice the night before, by way of an entire morning and part of an afternoon spent with Doctor Pike, first at the crime scene and then the autopsy. At least she and Frost had a productive interview with a witness, and the homicide was looking fairly cut and dry. She'd gotten out of the precinct relatively on time, and after blowing Frost off with a vague and innuendo-laden claim that she had to see a doctor about a thing, Jane had rushed home, showered and changed, walked the dog, and was entering the City Bar at the Lenox Hotel with a few minutes to spare before the bar would start filling with the VIPs of the medicolegal world that were spilling out of the nearby convention center.

Jane grabbed the seat at the bar that gave her the best sightline of the entrance, and waited. It was a bit of a gamble, expecting Maura to show up to the cocktail hour, but she was always insisting that medical examiners really knew how to party, and Jane figured she would surely do at least a cursory bit of networking. Maura was always so cognizant of her social and professional obligations. So Jane would sit here, looking very cool and sexy, and catch Maura's eyes as soon as she walked in.

Jane ordered a Blue Moon, confirmed a financial understanding with the bartender regarding a glass of wine, and proceeded to watch the door like a hawk. Like a hawk who also liked sports, because she did also occasionally check in on the baseball game. She wasn't sure why she bothered, the Red Sox were having an absolutely miserable season. Jane watched as an abysmal defensive effort that allowed three unearned runs to score, and admonished the responsible players out loud to no one.

"Jane?"

Ah fuck. Jane spun around in her seat to find Maura standing right behind her, staring at her, both surprised and very confused.

"Oh, hey Maur," Jane said casually, and offered her most winning smile. Maura only eyed her warily.

"What are you doing here?" Maura's brows were knit together, and she opened her clutch to check on her phone. "Did I miss a call? I told them to send Pike if anything came up today."

"Oh they did," Jane confirmed. "No I… Well, you were right, last night. Finding out about everything, I do have some follow up questions." Jane bit the inside of her lip nervously. She had really intended to have some smoldering eye contact to set the stage for this conversation. As soon as Maura had walked in, Jane had planned to communicate the depth of her feelings without a word, broadcasting her intentions both romantic and carnal by giving Maura the once-over of her life. Instead she'd allowed herself to get caught off guard, because the Sox decided to boot the ball around the infield like a bunch of schmucks. She would see Bobby Valentine burn in hell for this season.

So now, instead, as a result of the lack of the gratuitous eye flirting she'd planned, Jane's comment landed with absolutely zero of her real intentions, and Maura's displeasure with Jane mentioning follow-up questions was evident. The doctor sighed. "Jane, I don't want to be interrogated again. I think my answers were reasonable and for whatever reason they weren't immediately acceptable to you. You said you needed time, and…fine. But if you've just come to belabour my omission of the truth, I'd really rather not." Maura made a move to walk away, and a panicked Jane bolted out of her seat, gently grasping Maura by the wrist of her right hand.

"Whoa, hey, hold on. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that, and this isn't going how I planned it. Please, just sit down and have a drink with me?" She waved down the bartender, and looked into Maura's eyes. "Please."

Maura relented, and took the seat next to Jane, her uncertainty palpable. The bartender placed a wine glass in front of Maura and poured her a glass from a vintage that Jane knew she especially liked, having shared a bottle together quite some time ago. Jane could tell the doctor was momentarily placated by the fact that Jane had remembered this about her, as well as a little confused.

"I checked the list here last week, I don't recall seeing this wine on it," she said.

"It's not," Jane confirmed. Maura looked at her inquisitively. "I brought it from home, and reached a mutually beneficial agreement with Tony over there." Jane nodded her head in the direction of the handsome and handsomely-tipped bartender. Jane hadn't planned to tell Maura, but since the doctor figured it out, Jane was more than a little pleased to be able to share what she'd done. Maura's mouth dropped open in surprise, and she looked at Jane with kinder eyes.

"Why are you here?" Maura asked softly.

"I fucked up last night, Maura."

"Language, Jane."

"I messed up last night, Maura."

Jane watched as one of Maura's dimples fought to make an appearance, but the doctor managed to restrain her smile. "You did," Maura agreed, and took a sip of her wine.

"I had it all planned out. It was a good plan. I was going to talk to you all the way there and show up at your door and…" Jane trailed off, cleared her throat. "And then you started talking about our friendship, and what you had been afraid to risk when you hadn't told me, and then I was afraid too. I…have a lot to lose here." Jane looked into Maura's eyes, her expression completely unguarded, and added softly, "I have everything to lose here. I panicked, and I'm so sorry."

Maura's expression grew tender, and it was clear she'd been caught off guard by the immediate and guileless confession. Jane continued.

"Of course you didn't tell me. Your reason made perfect sense, and I reacted badly because I didn't like what it said about me. It said I was a big baby who would probably freak out, who was a flight risk, and I am. Or I was." Jane reached for Maura's hand, giving it a gentle squeeze and then letting go. With the doctor still looking temporarily stunned, Jane finally allowed herself a moment to take her all in. Maura's hair was swept up in a loose chignon, and she wore an elegant black cocktail dress, paired with understated jewellery and classic black pumps. Maura had one leg crossed over the other at the knees, and the heel of her shoe was hooked on the footrest of the barstool. Jane could see the flash of red along the soles that indicated they cost more than her weekly take-home. Jane all but sighed at the complete picture. "You look beautiful," she said breathlessly, and watched as a blush spread across Maura's chest as she looked demurely down into her wine glass.

"Okay, well, fine. That's a pretty good start. It gets you a second drink at least."

"Can we call it a first date?"

Maura looked back up at Jane and raised a brow. "Sure, Jane. First date. So tell me, do you have any brothers or sisters?" she said with a droll voice.

Jane bit back a grin. "Okay, maybe it's the third date. Maybe we got some of the preliminary stuff out of the way over the years. You really are getting the hang of sarcasm."

"I rather think that was closer to irony." Maura took a sip of her wine, watching Jane studiously across the rim of her glass. "You said you have follow up questions, and I'm suddenly open to answering them, but I have questions, too. Shall we take turns?"

"Yes," Jane agreed, and gestured to the bartender for another beer. "I'll tell you anything you want to know. Total transparency."

Maura grew thoughtful as she considered her first question. Jane watched as her eyes travelled the length of Jane's body appraisingly, before Maura sighed. "I need to preface this by saying that I understand, objectively, that there are more important questions I should be asking first. But Jane, the clothes." She shook her head, bewildered. "When did you start caring about your clothes?"

"Oh, these old things?" Jane grinned and glanced down at her outfit. This one wasn't anything flashy, although she'd changed three times before she'd settled on what to wear. She'd picked slim taper dark wash jeans, cuffed and stacked on top of black Red Wing boots. A threadbare white t-shirt through which her black bra was very visible, and a leather jacket to complete the look. She looked incredibly gay, which had been exactly what she was going for.

"This outfit, the other outfits. That new court outfit." Maura sighed wistfully. "There's an intentionality behind your wardrobe now that feels brand new. I practically had to hold you at gunpoint to go shopping before, and now you've acquired all these quality pieces. It was driving me crazy…" and she sank her teeth into her lower lip before adding, "In more ways than one."

Jane was inordinately pleased with herself. She leaned against the back of her barstool, arranging her long limbs in a confident pose. "Well, it's a two part answer." She tapped one finger against the edge of the bar. "The first part is that I think I was always afraid to care about clothes before. If I just wore the same thing every day, it would become a uniform, and even if it gave off a real lesbian cop vibe… Well, it felt safer to be someone who just didn't care than to be someone trying and failing to look girly. The items I gravitate towards would have given away the plot, and I wasn't ready." Jane shrugged.

Maura considered that for a moment, and nodded her head. "That actually makes a lot of sense. What's the other part of the reason?"

"Oh, I was so sure it would bug you while we were fighting."

Maura gasped. "Mean."

Maura's reaction shot a bolt of pleasure through Jane, who waggled her brows impudently. "My turn. How'd you manage to lie to me so many times?"

Maura shook her head and sipped her wine. "I never lied. I omitted some facts and told careful, selective truths."

Jane narrowed her eyes, rejecting the explanation. "First time I slept at your place, I asked you if you were attracted to me."

"First of all, I never answered you, I just climbed into bed. And more importantly, you asked me if that was my way of telling you I was attracted to you, which it most certainly was not. You were being pursued by a serial killer and I have tact," she said decorously, running a hand along her thigh to fix her dress, which had ridden up slightly. Jane rolled her eyes, though she watched Maura's fingertips skim along her leg with a certain degree of interest.

"All right, fine. I missed that one, I was a little preoccupied, I guess, with the imminent threat to my very existence and all. But when we were working the Merch case, you asked what kind of women we'd be attracted to if we were attracted to women."

"Positing something as a hypothetical isn't a lie, it was a very clever attempt to gauge your comfort with the idea of dating women. Which was surprisingly high, I might add. I almost bought season tickets to the Celtics the next day."

"You said I wasn't your type!"

"Oh, you really aren't," Maura affirmed enthusiastically. "Given the criminals and Slucky, that's almost certainly a good thing, no? And I do really hate that you wear your shoes to bed."

"Okay, fine. You said you didn't want to sleep with me, when you were trying to bed Giovanni." Jane grimaced a little at the memory, remembering the pangs of jealousy that she had so rigorously ignored. "That had to be a lie."

"That was probably the closest to lying," Maura admitted with a nod. "I was genuinely very concerned I'd go vasovagal, it took some mental gymnastics. I chose to answer it specifically in that moment, and not generally. I didn't want to, right then." Her lips turned up in a sentimental smile. "At that point I had far too much invested to risk it." Maura reached a hand across the bar, tracing her fingertips thoughtfully along the knuckles of Jane's hand. She looked up, eyes sparkling in the dim light of the bar. "I do think you skipped the most interesting thing I said."

Jane tried to regulate her breathing, and looked down to watch as Maura's index finger ran along the ridges of her hand. She looked back up and curled one brow. "And what was that?"

Maura grinned. "When you announced that maybe you should be a lesbian, I said that wishes can come true." She winked. "You know, you're very focused on all the denials, but I've said some quite revealing things too."

Jane's eyes narrowed in thought. "Am I…actually a terrible detective?"

"Oh, don't say that." Maura placed her hand over Jane's and gave it a squeeze before she dropped it back into her lap. "Just a little willfully ignorant, that's all."

"I dunno, Maur." Jane took a swig from her beer, rolling the edge of the bottle against the countertop. "I didn't figure out untiltoday that Chang has a crush on me."

"Oh wow." Maura scrunched up her face, and it felt like Jane's heart did the same. Good god she was cute. "Maybe you are a terrible detective," Maura admitted. "I thought you were just being polite by not mentioning it."

Jane laughed, and she watched the familiar way that Maura's skin warmed with joy, always so pleased with herself when she made Jane laugh. Jane fixed herself to speak, to let Maura know it was her turn to ask a question, when she was interrupted by a barely familiar voice.

"Hello, Jane."

Oh no. Jane's eyes darted away from Maura and to the source of her name. It was an radiography equipment sales representative she'd met at a medical imaging convention a few months ago. She was from New York. She was very bold. Jane flushed in agony as she tried to remember her name and formulate a plan to get out of this situation.

"Vanessa. Hi." Jane flicked her eyes back over at Maura, who was staring at the intruding woman with barely restrained astonishment. Vanessa didn't acknowledge the doctor, slipping her hand possessively along the back of Jane's seat. Jane stiffened.

"I thought I might see you tonight, " she purred, and finally cast one quick glance over at Maura, whose mouth had dropped open in shock. "I see you might be busy, but I just wanted to let you know I was here." She leaned in to Jane intimately, turning her head away from the doctor, but spoke loud enough that it was clear her intention was for Maura to hear her stake a claim. "In room 521."

Maura audibly gasped at the other woman's nerve. Vanessa ignored her entirely, and pulled away from Jane with a wink. "See you later?"

Jane was mortified as she watched the woman slink away. She looked to Maura, trying to parse the expression on her face.

"Wow, she just…" Maura trailed off, and her eyes flashed angrily as she stared at where the woman had disappeared into the crowd. "Right in front of me."

"She's very…" Jane struggled for a word that wouldn't make things worse. "...Aggressive." Jane winced. That was absolutely not the word that wouldn't make things worse. Maura whipped her head around to look back at Jane with such bone chilling intensity that Jane briefly wished for death.

"I met her after a different medical conference," Jane offered.

Maura's eyes still burned but now she was looking at Jane like she'd started speaking fluent Latin. "What on earth were you doing at a medical conference?"

"I wasn't at the conference, I was hanging around after the conference." Jane could feel herself turning red, and she stared down into the neck of her beer bottle, recalling that she had promised total transparency on questions. She groaned, and looked back up. "So at first, I would go to Merch, and that was fine. But the attention was a little overwhelming, which I…I do hear myself, the humble brag." She swallowed. "But it was. And they were all so young there, I was starting to feel like a predator. And they all wanted…" Jane placed her beer down, scrubbed her hands down her face. "They all really wanted to see me again, and that was not what I wanted. But I did want to…meet people. Meet women." Jane burned up a little at the euphemism, and looked at Maura, who was stone faced. She powered through. "So I would look up conferences and go to the hotel bars and meet women my age who I'd definitely never see again. Or uh…" she looked where the very forward sales representative had departed. "I guess, probably never see again."

Maura finished her glass of wine. The fire that had sparked her features when the other woman had first made her pass at Jane had subsided during Jane's explanation, and was now replaced by a calculated exterior. Maura fingered the stem of the glass thoughtfully, as she coolly appraised Jane. "Let me get this straight." She wet her lips, and Jane tried to be ready for anything. "You would hang out at hotels in proximity of professional conferences in order to meet non-local women for casual sexual encounters."

Jane swallowed thickly. "That is correct."

Maura nodded. "And tonight, you were hanging out at a hotel in proximity of a professional conference in order to meet me?"

Oh god. Jane started to panic again. "Uh, yes, but–" Maura cut her off swiftly.

"If you'll excuse me, I have to go to the restroom." She uncrossed her legs and slipped off her barstool in one fluid motion. She was off before Jane could find her words again, and she stared at Maura's departing figure before she sunk down in her seat, moaning in agony. This had been going extremely well, so of course there had to be a reminder that Jane had spent a couple months fucking around because she was so phenomenally stupid that she didn't just go after what and who she really wanted. And now did Maura think that Jane came here just to seduce her? That she fell in the same category as all the rest? Jane squeezed her eyes shut, pinching the bridge of her nose as she tried to work out her explanation for all of this when Maura returned. She was deep enough in thought that she once again failed to notice that Maura was standing right beside her.

"Jane."

Jane startled in her seat. Jesus Christ. How many times was a woman going to do that to her tonight? She opened her eyes and looked over at Maura, who, Jane noticed with despair, was not getting back into her seat.

"I find myself quite tired all of a sudden," Maura continued, her expression set in neutral lines.

"Oh, Maura, no. Please…" Jane trailed off, looking at Maura imploringly. She would beg if she had to. She'd get down on her knees in this hotel bar if she needed to. Maura dismissively waved off her plea, but took a step in towards Jane and looked her dead in the eyes.

"So tired, in fact, that I've just booked myself a room here." Maura's features were still impassive, but her voice had dropped an octave, and her eyes were intently focused on the detective. "I thought, perhaps, that you might be tired as well."

Jane's throat closed up, and she could only watch as Maura reached for the lapel of Jane's leather jacket, pulling it open and slipping a hotel key card into the interior pocket. She allowed the jacket to fall back into place, then pressed her hand against Jane's chest, palm on top of the card, over her breast, against her beating heart. Maura looked at her a moment longer, then leaned in slowly, as if she were going to kiss Jane, but instead bypassed her lips, just barely brushing an open mouth across Jane's cheek before finally reaching her ear.

"Aren't you tired, Jane?"

Maura's voice was molten. She drew back, pushing herself away from Jane with the hand still against her chest, then let it drop away slowly, fingertips skimming all the way down Jane's torso. Jane felt every single one of her abdominal muscles clench, and she tried not to think about how dumbstruck she probably looked, gaping at Maura, frozen in place. Wordlessly, Maura turned and headed for the door that connected the bar to the hotel.

When she was sure her legs could support her, Jane dumped every bill from her wallet on top of the bar and gave chase.