And now for the dangerous rendezvous...
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Nestled in the curve of Han's arm, it felt both strange and wonderful to be out in public with him, unworried about what someone might suspect about them. She wondered vaguely what would happen when they arrived at the new base.
At the moment, she just wanted to enjoy this unhurried time. Tomorrow would be altogether different.
Seated at a booth with their backs to the wall, Han and Leia were able to see the door and all angles of the cantina. The Sweet Spot was unlike anywhere Leia had ever frequented in the past. She had been to a few dive bars during her time with the Rebellion, but this place offered more in the way of…entertainment than she was used to.
There were two large alcoves, one on each side. The one on their left contained a stage with erotic female dancers. The one on the right looked exactly the same, but the dancers were scantily clad men. She had never seen so much naked skin at one time.
"Whadda ya think?" Han asked, lips close to her ear. She could hear the amusement in his voice.
"It's…different."
"Culture shock?"
"Hardly," she said wryly, turning to look at him. "It's not as if I didn't know places like this exist."
"Knowing it and seeing it are two different things." He took a swallow of his ale.
"I think you enjoy the idea of shocking me," she accused.
"Hey, don't blame me." He replaced his bottle on the table. "I didn't pick this place, your contact did."
Leia couldn't imagine why. She glanced up and found Han staring into the distance at the female Twil'ek writhing on the stage. "Is that the type of woman you like?" She was tall, with endless legs, and huge breasts. Were those natural? Leia felt suddenly inadequate.
Han glanced down at her, a brief smile flitting across his features. "You're the type of woman I like." He bent his head, placed a light kiss at her temple, and quickly resumed his casual perusal of the cantina.
Leia melted a little. How this man could surprise her. She watched him survey their surroundings, that cool, bored look in his eyes, as if he were disinterested in whatever he saw. But she knew it was a front. Secretly, he was taking note of everything, memorizing all possible exits routes, what might be used as a distraction during a conflict, and assessing any threats. She had learned some time ago that he was excellent at doing this while appearing to do nothing.
Eventually, he suggested they leave and paid for their drinks at the table's chip reader. Outside on the street, he pulled her close and they began to wander back in the direction of their hostel. Periodically, he would stop and turn to her, and Leia was aware of his eyes darting around in a subtle move to ensure there were no dangers present.
"So…what happens when we get to Hoth?" he asked as their feet carried them closer to their destination.
Her mind returned to business. "We work on getting the base fully operational. It will be so much easier to organize everything. From supplies to missions."
Several beats passed. "Yeah." His voice was wooden. "But…what I meant was…what happens with us?"
She looked at him, surprised by the question. His eyes were on the ground that rolled beneath their feet and his expression was barely readable, but she was able to discern some concern. "What do you mean?" she asked softly. When he didn't answer right away, she tugged him to a stop and turned to face him. His eyes automatically slid from side to side before resting on her.
He shrugged, looking slightly uncomfortable. "We left one way. We're going back…kinda different."
His words were momentarily lost on her and she tried to make sense of them. "I'm not sure what you're asking me."
He seemed to struggle with something, words stuck. "Are things gonna be like this?" He gestured back and forth between them then dropped his hand. "Or like before?" His lips pursed together as if anticipating an unwanted answer.
A thread of understanding started to weave through her mind. "How would you like it to be?"
A tiny, frustrated breath hissed from him. "I don't want things to go back to the way they were before," he admitted slowly.
Leia smiled. "I don't either."
He returned her smile, but only slightly, before growing serious again. "So…we don't have to pretend? In front of everyone else?"
The thought hadn't occurred to her. She pictured the way rumors would fly around the base at the sight of Han and her together. Then again, she was aware that there were already rumors.
She hated the idea of being the subject of idle gossip. But, her feelings for Han ran deep. And, she had been hiding them for so long. The idea of standing in front of the troops and the Generals while holding Han's hand seemed foreign, so unlike who she was. She had never been the type to flaunt her personal life. Even on Alderaan, she hadn't been comfortable being demonstrative with Benny in public.
"I don't know," she answered truthfully.
His expression grew more guarded, a hint of disappointment apparent.
Leia took his hand in hers and clutched it to her chest. "This is so new to me. All of it. And I'm so used to being in the public eye and conducting myself in a respectable manner."
His eyes steeled. "I get it," he barked. "I'm not respectable enough for you." His voice lowered to a sneer. "Wouldn't want anyone to know you're doing it with a lowly smuggler.
The accusation startled her and her eyes flew open wide. "No! That's not it at all!"
He yanked his hand from hers and took a step back. "Oh, come on, Your Worship! Best to tell the truth. Even if it hurts." Now, his eyes softened beneath his lowered brow and she could see that he really was hurt.
His pain hit her square in the chest. Gods, I think I love him. She couldn't believe how the thought of hurting him affected her. Is this love?
She moved closer to him again and placed one hand on his upper arm. "Han, no," she said carefully, looking into his eyes with all the earnestness she could muster. "It's not about you. It's about me."
His jaw remained rigid. "That's the oldest excuse in the data files."
Reaching up, she surrounded his face with her hands. She searched his eyes for a long moment and a slow vulnerability seeped in. Drawing him down closer, she spoke in a deep whisper. "Please, Han. Believe me. I don't think of you as a smuggler, or a criminal, or someone I would ever be embarrassed of." She shook her head briskly, suddenly overwhelmed by emotion.
"I am a smuggler and a criminal," he replied gruffly, that mercenary timbre returning for the first time in a long while.
"You're a hero."
Faint surprise entered his eyes and he snorted. "You an' I both know I'm no hero."
"You're a hero to me," she whispered, inching closer, almost nose-to-nose now.
He sputtered a breath of denial.
"You are," she insisted quietly. "You may not see yourself that way, but I do. You've risked yourself for me, and Luke, and of course Chewie, more times than I can count. And I don't want to hear anything about money, because we both know that's not what it's been about."
His eyes lowered and his lips moved but he said nothing. His head angled down and he gazed at her, eyes widened, expression forlorn. Another wave of emotion swept through her and she wrapped her arms around his neck, rose on her toes, and pulled him down to graze her lips against his before deepening the kiss. It grew quickly fervent.
When they broke apart, their eyes remained closed for a moment then slowly opened to each other. Leia slid her hands to rest on his upper arms and lowered her heels to the sidewalk.
His eyes were dusky in the faint light and she could barely make out the hues of green. They regarded each other soberly.
Leia's heart fluttered nervously. She was hesitant to speak the words that were ready to free-fall from her lips. "I want to be with you," she blurted, the confession almost catching in her throat.
His eyes remained serious and his brow wrinkled. She couldn't imagine what he might be thinking. Should she have kept that thought to herself?
After all the bickering, the back-and-forth, the resentment and denial, this is what it came down to. She realized that this was what it had been all along. At least, on her end.
His gaze dropped from her and he looked somewhat sheepish. Oh no. I've made a mistake. She allowed her hands to fall from his arms and stood up straight, averting her eyes.
"I—I'm sorry," she stammered with a shake of her head. "I shouldn't have said that. I don't have any expectations of you. You don't have to—"
He cut her off with a gentle finger at her lips, and her eyes met his reflexively.
"No," he said, voice a quiet rumble. His gaze was more serious than she had ever seen it. "I want the same thing," he admitted with a slight nod.
She almost felt like crying. What was this? Never before had she felt anything like this.
He swept her up in another kiss that felt as if their souls had bound together.
OOOOOOOOOOOOO
Han lay with his knees folded behind Leia's, one arm draped across her stomach, hand cushioned beneath her breast. The soft mass of her hair had been tossed upwards, away from his face. He loved the scent of her hair, breathed it in just above the nape of her neck.
It felt as if he were replete with her essence, consumed by all that she was. Like nothing in his life mattered but her. It almost felt as if he were going insane, but yet, was sounder than ever before. This past day seemed like a whirlwind spin across the galaxy and back.
I want to be with you.
He realized he had been waiting to hear those words almost since they first met. The sound of them imbued him with a sense of joy, yet scared the hell out of him at the same time. The dueling feelings tangled into each other, like wires that were hopelessly crossed. But excitement and elation won out. He swallowed his fear and hoped for the best.
She still hadn't answered him about Hoth. Deciding not to press the issue, he chose to enjoy this time together. They had wasted enough time arguing; he opted for peace instead. He supposed he would find out when they arrived.
The thought of her shunning him in front of the Rebels seemed unbearable. It wasn't even that he wanted everyone to know about them. Han normally wasn't one to flaunt his affairs or care what others thought. But, in the back of his mind, there remained the part of him that felt inadequate. Leia was an extraordinary woman. As a Princess, she deserved everything her heart desired. She had lost everything, sacrificed all. And she fought so hard for everyone in the galaxy, with so little concern for herself.
She should have so much more than the nothing he had to offer her. It was difficult to imagine she didn't feel the same way.
He had always grudgingly admired her, even as he sneered at her ideals. Her spirit, fortitude, courage, and especially her sharp, cutting wit. She was quite likely the strongest being he had ever known. It was her character, more than her royal lineage that made her so outstanding and deserving of anything she could possibly want.
He felt privileged to have been privy to her few, brief moments of weakness. He had never put the feeling into words, but it made him feel special to have seen any bit of fragility about her. That, while everyone else saw her as this cold, flawless leader, only he knew the raw, human emotion that existed beneath the surface. The way her losses had left wounds on her soul.
He wrapped his arms more tightly around her, suddenly protective. There had always been that urge to keep her safe from harm, since the beginning, even as he denied caring for anything more than money. How many times had he grudgingly leapt into the flames of danger, all the while making excuses for why her life mattered?
I want to be with you.
It hit him that there were other words, shorter and sweeter, that he longed to hear. But he doubted either of them was ready for that.
OOOOOOOOO
"You're not coming with me."
"Excuse me?"
Leia had just sent a message to High Command informing them of the information she had received about the new Imperial threat. Han had been thinking long and hard about the upcoming meeting with her second contact. He had a bad feeling about it.
"Tomorrow. To the warehouse. You're not coming with me," he said again.
She stood from the chair at the engineering station and her hands were automatically at her hips, eyes like lasers set to kill. "I had hoped we were past you thinking you're in charge of these missions."
"It's not about being in charge," he countered harshly. "It's about you not risking yourself. This is serious."
"And I'm not used to serious?" Her nostrils flared for a moment. "I suppose my time on the Death Star was a Jally Tournament."
"It's not that. You know it's not that." He couldn't help the glare he cast at her. "I never had the right to tell you not to risk yourself before."
With a sharp intake of breath, her cheeks glowed red with anger. "You don't have that right now."
Han ground his teeth together in frustration. Couldn't she just understand? "You know what I mean."
"No, I don't," she replied sharply, brow dipping further downwards. "Do you think you own me?"
"Of course not!"
"Then I'm uncertain of why you think you can tell me what to do."
That surge of protectiveness rose again. "I'm not trying to tell you what to do. I just can't take the thought of anything happening to you!" he shouted without thinking.
Now sullen, he watched as her eyes shifted from anger to surprise. He shoved his hands in his pockets and turned his gaze to the deck.
"Why don't you just say that?" Her voice was suddenly soft.
He shrugged, feeling exposed and ridiculous. When she stepped closer, he forced himself to look at her.
"You could just be honest with me," she suggested.
He cringed. "Not so easy," he admitted gruffly, looking away again.
Moving close, she took his hand in hers and he gripped it in response. "I know you care about me. You've always cared about me, even when you seemed not to." There was a hint of amusement in her voice. "You can tell me anything, you know."
No, he couldn't. He couldn't even look at her. Words did not come easily to him. He didn't know how to summon them now. The thought made him feel as if he were free-falling, naked and unarmed, into a river full of ravenous razor fish.
"I appreciate your concern," she continued. "But it's misplaced. You know better than anyone that I can take care of myself. And sometimes, I can even take care of you."
The restrained chuckle in her voice drew his eyes back to her. There was a small smile on her lips as her eyes silently chastised him. He couldn't help the way one side of his mouth quirked up in return.
"But, make no mistake." All traces of softness and amusement were gone now. "You will never, ever tell me where I can and can't go. Do you understand?"
How quickly she returned to Rebel Princess and fearless leader. Han nodded sedately with a sigh. He still could think of nothing to say, so he pulled her into his arms and kept her there, wishing she could always remain in the safety of his embrace.
The idea of her being hurt, or worse, had always troubled him, from the moment they first met. He had quickly gone from "better her than me" to hurriedly shoving her on top of garbage in the trash compactor and being frustrated at her inability to remain perched more safely up high.
His concern for her had only grown over the years, although he had continued to deny it to himself and anyone else bold enough to broach the subject. Now, their relationship had shifted…
Relationship?
He sighed to himself. Now, the thought of her life being in danger sent him into a near-panicked state.
"Let's go," she said quietly beneath his chin. "Let's catch a tram back to the hostel."
He nodded, lost in his own thoughts. Leia withdrew from his embrace, logged out of the Falcon's communication systems, and returned to take his hand. "C'mon, Captain." She nudged her head in the direction of the corridor.
He opened his mouth to a congested sound and cleared his throat before speaking. "Lemme just go shut her systems down."
She followed him into the corridor and as they passed through the crew lounge, she called out softly to him. "I'll wait here."
Han turned to see her sitting at the game table. He nodded and continued to the cockpit, Leia weighing heavily on his mind. He went through the shutdown sequence, fingers automatically flying rapidly over the controls.
With the Falcon shut down, he returned to Leia and held out a hand towards her. As she approached, he noted that she looked pensive. He wondered if she were thinking about him.
They caught a tram with only a few other passengers. Sitting in the back, she settled herself into the crook of his arm. Her head resting against his shoulder inspired him to place a soft kiss at the crown of her head. She seemed to have shrunk into herself and he recognized it as disquiet.
"What's wrong?" he asked quietly.
She was silent for several beats. "We'll talk in the room."
He nodded and pulled his arm closer to better encircle her. Had he screwed things up? What was bothering her?
Great. Now she was angry at him. He knew it had been a mistake to argue about tomorrow, but it was just so difficult to allow her to stroll into danger. Far more difficult that it had ever been before.
The entire ride, he could feel her distress, and it churned his stomach.
Once the door had slid shut behind them and they were safely in the room, Leia immediately disappeared into the refresher. He heard the water turn on in the shower and grumbled under his breath. If not for her mood, he would happily join her under the stream of water.
What was she going to tell him? Could she possibly end things between them so easily? He grimaced to himself.
After what felt like forever, the refresher door slid open and Leia came into the room, a small cloud of steam puffing behind her. She was wrapped in a large, white towel that seemed to swallow her small form, another towel wrapped around her bulk of hair. She released a long, loud breath, eyes still troubled, and without looking at him began to rub the towel through her long tresses.
He watched her from the sofa, dismal and uneasy, as she retrieved her brush from the side table and began brushing her hair. Han couldn't take it anymore. He was at her side in an instant.
"Here, let me," he murmured, taking the brush from her hand. He enjoyed any excuse to touch that long, dark, silky mane. It had tempted him for so long.
With a gentle touch, he ran the brush through the endless strands, amazed that it was even longer when wet. How did she carry all this around? Didn't it get on her nerves?
"Wanna tell me what you're upset about?" he finally asked.
She sighed heavily. "This new project."
For a moment, he was too caught up in his own concerns to understand what she was talking about. Then, it hit him. Of course. She was worried about what the Empire might be building. He felt suddenly foolish and self-absorbed.
He moved to work at the side of her hair and tried to summon some encouraging words. "We don't know what it is. No use makin' assumptions."
A light breath of disdain expelled from her lips. "You know as well as I do that it's likely to be more than an assumption." Her tone was clipped, with equal parts anger and sadness.
He realized that neither had actually said what they were both thinking. A glance at her face proved her to look as distressed as she sounded.
"We'll deal with it when it comes." He maneuvered her so that he could brush the other side.
Her gaze drew inward, her mouth more pinched. "I get so tired sometimes," she confessed in a hard voice.
It was an effort to continue wielding the brush at the pain in her voice. He knew she had to get it out, that she almost never let anyone see this side of her, so he said nothing as he finished gliding the brush through her hair.
"The destruction of the Death Star felt like such a huge victory at the time. Maybe you were right when you said it was just dumb luck."
When had he said that? Well, it did sound like something he would say. "Since when do you ever listen to anything I say?" he quipped, trying to make light of it.
Her lips twitched at one side, and he was pleased he could almost make her smile at such a moment. "We destroyed the emperor's favorite toy…of course he would just build another." The anger in her tone had increased.
With the brush in one hand, he spun her by the shoulders to face him. "Hey…listen. If that is the case…we took the first one down. We'll take this one down too."
Her eyes softened. "We?" she asked quietly.
Han placed one hand across her cheek, eyes roaming her features. She was so intensely beautiful. It almost hurt to look at her. "Yeah," he answered in a somber tone, gaze returning to encapsulate hers. "We." He wanted it suddenly, more than anything. If it was another Death Star, he wanted to be the one to destroy it. For Leia. He wanted to give her that, to bring her that joy and relief.
I love her, he realized. No question. He held that thought tightly, secreting it away like a precious treasure that left him open to attack. His heart pounded hard in his chest.
"Don't worry, Princess," he murmured. "You're fighting the good fight." Where had he even heard that phrase? "And I know you can do anything you set your mind to."
She smiled more fully now and it warmed his heart. She reached one finger up and brushed it across his lower lip, and the caress sent further warmth through him. Leaning low, he kissed her with all the feelings he couldn't express.
OOOOOOOOOO
Inside the Falcon, Han was breathing harshly, mind abuzz. He glanced at Leia, who was bringing up the ship's systems from beside him in the co-pilot's seat.
Everything had gone haywire. They had been a bit early to arrive at the abandoned warehouse to meet their contact. On approach, Leia had frozen in place and declared that she had a bad feeling about the situation. Angling off, they took a different route to their destination, allowing them the luxury of seeing what awaited them.
Taking up a surreptitious position, they were just in time to see the bounty hunter, Boba Fett, kill what could only have been their contact.
"He was after me," Han said in a low voice.
Leia's hands stilled over the controls. "What?"
"The bounty hunter." He met her gaze. "He's one of Jabba's."
She just stared at him for a long moment, unreadable. When she returned to the console, so did he. Once the Falcon was ready, he requested clearance to depart, using an alias.
Finally in hyperspace, she turned to him. "I have to send a message to the Alliance."
Han nodded, feeling slightly better when she kissed his cheek before leaving the cockpit. He watched her disappear then sat back in his seat with a sigh.
He was lucky that Fett hadn't caught sight of him. He owed that to Leia. Right now, he could have been bound, on his way to Tatooine. Who knew what Fett would have done with Leia? On top of that, the data chip would have been lost. So much could have gone wrong.
Not one to dwell on 'what ifs,' he thrust those thoughts aside, grateful that no one—especially Leia—had come to harm. Now, they would soon arrive at the base on Hoth. He wasn't looking forward to that frozen hell. But, he did look forward to keeping Leia warm during those long, cold nights.
He loved her. There was no denying it. He felt it in every nerve-ending of his body. His heart screamed with it, throbbing for her to return his feelings. And maybe she did…
He knew, without a doubt, that she had strong feelings for him. But did she love him?
There was one way to find out, but he would be damned if he would confess his feelings without knowing for certain how she felt. That could be a one-way ticket to hell. If she said nothing—or worse, said she felt differently…well, he didn't think he could stand it. The thought sent him plummeting into a black hole.
No, he couldn't possibly say those words that had never before passed his lips. A few women had uttered them to him, but they had meant nothing to him, had caused him to silently roll his eyes and quickly move on.
He had a reputation for 'loving and leaving,' branding him as a womanizer. There was some truth to it, but he never made false promises or insincere declarations, never led women to think there was more between them than just a good time.
And then Leia had appeared in his life, like a thunderstorm in springtime. Unexpected and violently beautiful, battering the soil of his being until something ardently beautiful grew from it. And now, he wanted everything he had never had any interest in before. A life with someone…be it with the Rebellion or elsewhere. He was willing to stay for her…he would be willing to die for her.
And if she was less serious about this than he was…
The cockpit door slid open and Han was forced to abandon his thoughts.
"You all right?" he asked.
Leia nodded absently and took the co-pilot's seat. Leaning back, she rolled her head to look at him. "I'm worried about you."
His eyebrows rose. "Me? Why?"
"The bounty hunter," she replied as if it were obvious.
Now that he thought of it, he was a bit worried himself. But, it paled in comparison to his concern for her. He faked a casual grin. "Hey, you don't need to worry about me, Sweetheart. I've got it under control."
Her gaze was serious as she lowered it to the deck. "I feel ridiculous," she confessed. "All this time, I knew you had this debt at your back. You threatened to leave over it all the time."
He glanced away briefly, feeling foolish over empty threats.
"And even though I knew it, it never seemed real to me," she confessed. A self-deprecating, humorless laugh burst forth. "All this time, how could I not have realized how much danger you were truly in?" Her eyes seemed impossibly large when she looked back up to him. "It only became real to me now."
Han wasn't sure what to say. "Well…I'm the one who hung around, knowing exactly what the consequences would be."
"For me." It was not a question.
He saw where this was going. "You weren't the only reason, but you were part of it. Hey, I make my own decisions. The only one at fault here is me."
Her lips pursed together and she rubbed one hand in the other, as if for warmth. "And what happens when this catches up to you? It almost did today."
He was unable to summon reassuring words. "Don't worry. If it happens, I'll deal with it. I've been in some hairy situations and I always make my way out." He smiled encouragingly but it did not banish the worry from her eyes. Taking her hand, he kissed it soundly.
"I've been so selfish," she murmured, eyes downcast. "I've always wanted you to stay, but I didn't think of the cost."
"Always, huh?" With a cocky grin, he tried to turn the tides.
She kissed his hand then clutched it to her chest. "I couldn't bear it if anything happened to you," she whispered earnestly.
Her sentiment echoed his earlier thoughts and warmth burst in his chest, spreading up the back of his neck. He really was a lovesick fool. If it were anyone else, he would find it disgusting.
Lowering to one knee before her, he took her chin in one hand, brushing his thumb across it. "Don't worry, Sweetheart. I wanna be here. It's all gonna be fine."