BELLY
I didn't sleep; how could I? He left the room, and it grew cold and lonely and all I know is that he was 17 steps away from me, but it felt like he was in Iceland, and I was here and I wanted to run after him, but then it would go on forever— him wishing I would stop lying to him, me wishing I would stop lying to myself, me hurting him, and him hurting himself.
This was for the best, I think. It may not be. I may spend eternity thinking that he wanted me after all. He said he loved me; ironic, isn't it? Him loving me at exactly the wrong time, after I've loved him since I knew that something like love even existed. Isn't this the universe giving the clearest sign that this wasn't meant to be? Isn't this the dictionary description of right person at the wrong time?
I tossed and I turned, and I've made some pretty impressive origami with my blanket before realising the sun was greeting me through my naked window without curtains.
I don't break promises. I fished Junior Mint right out of the box of keepsakes and placed it on my improvised bed on the floor. He was staring at me, judgemental, a child of divorce, I guess.
That feeling everyone talks about, the release you feel when you let go of something that has been so heavy on your shoulders, wasn't there. I didn't feel like I let go of something that was pulling me down. I should feel elated that I won't have to worry about my feelings towards Conrad. But I'm not. I'm not the free version of myself. It felt like I was floating on air when I was with him, like hundreds of balloons were carrying me across the world. After he closed the door yesterday, it felt like they all popped at the same time, and I fell headfirst on the ground.
Now, instead of flying, I was freezing down here and he was gone. Not physically gone, I swear I would easily survive him only being physically gone for a while. He was gone for good. He didn't pull on his side of the invisible string anymore, and I was left holding it alone, just like I had asked.
Jere was sweet, and he was happy to have me. He hugged me every time as if he had never hugged me before; Conrad hugged me as if he would never be able to hug me again. Jere kissed me as if he wanted me; Conrad kissed me as if he needed me. Jere looked at me as if I were the most beautiful girl in the world; Conrad looked at me as if I were the whole universe to him.
I stood up when I heard my mom preparing breakfast. I walked out of my room, catching him walking out of his room at the same time. There was nothing to say. He looked like shit, and considering my whole face felt swollen, I'm pretty sure I looked even worse. There was nowhere to hide and nowhere to run now. We were staying here for at least two days, and we might as well be civil.
„Good morning." I said, as if it were any morning. He nodded in acknowledgement and greeted me.
„Morning." He was trying so hard to sound like he just woke up, I know he didn't.
We walked downstairs in silence, only to find out that we were the only ones up besides my mom.
„Good morning you two, how come you two are up so early?"
I wanted to answer first, but Conrad beat me to it.
„I wanted to get up to get the first batch of the good muffins."
„How ‚senior citizen' of you Connie. Your hair would look lovely grey." My mom teased him. He gave her a weak smile, which conveyed enough information for her to realise she shouldn't ask what was going on.
He left shortly after, and If I knew one thing, it was that my mom wasn't going to play nice and not confront me.
„Did you two fight?" She crossed her arms, like I was in some sort of trouble.
„It's complicated, Mom." I said to her and sat at the kitchen island.
„Oh Bean, life is never not complicated. Just listen to your heart."
„What a ‚Susannah thing' to say." I smiled at her and she nodded, seemingly surprised by her own words, they probably didn't feel like her own words either.
„I guess some of that sunlight brushed off on me during the decades of friendship." She genuinely smiled.
„Conrad is just… Mom, I'm not sure if I can get over him." I crossed my arms as a defence mechanism.
„Well then it's not really fair to Jeremiah." She tilted her head a bit, searching for eye contact.
„I'm trying so hard, Mom." My voice got silent at the end, cracking probably from all the tears shed yesterday.
„Love is supposed to be beautiful, Bean. If it's not beautiful, it's not love."
„You're doing it again." I smiled.
„Doing what?" She asked.
„Being all poetic, writer and stuff." We both laughed.
„Think about it, Belly. If there is a second choice in the first place, what does that say about your first choice?" She raised an eyebrow and flipped a pancake, like I wasn't on the verge of breaking apart all over again.
„There was never a second choice when I was with Conrad, I put everyone on hold the second he admitted he liked me back."
„I wasn't talking about Conrad, honey." I looked down and my hands. They were on his face yesterday, they brushed against his face on the beach, and it felt different. I've touched him many times before, but it felt different this time. It felt like the hardest goodbye.
„What a beautiful morning" Jeremiah said loudly. He walked over to us and wrapped his arm around me before kissing my cheek. He was awfully chipper today. He grabbed a pancake and sat down. His curls were dancing as he moved.
„Well good morning to you too." My mom smiled at the two of us.
„We should start with putting everything back right after breakfast, then we should be done by 6" I could barely understand what he was saying as his mouth was full.
„Sounds good." I said, focusing on my own thoughts.
„What's at 6?" My mom asked. Jere couldn't hide the fact that he was disappointed by the fact that I didn't ask him this question myself.
„I'm taking Belly out on a date." He smiled and looked at me.
His smile was so adorable, and he kissed my forehead. It didn't matter that I could feel the stickiness of his lips against my forehead; I loved it even more that way. I smiled back at him, somewhat excited to see what he had planned for today.
Steven came downstairs and we all ate breakfast together. Conrad joined us just in time. His mood hadn't changed, he still felt so distant. He made plans with Steven to catch some waves after they finished with the house. I wasn't jealous that they didn't even invite Jere and me to come with, he probably already knew we had plans for tonight. He didn't even look at me once, that was probably the worst of all.
„We should start, Belly and I will finish the living room?" Jere looked at me, seeking approval, so I just nodded.
„Con and I could do the upstairs bedrooms. You know, the heavy lifting, beds and closets?" He joked, but even Steven could barely bring out a slight smile on Conrad's face. Steven's suspicion that something was up arose.
„Very well, I'll tackle the bathrooms and the pantry, the kitchen is as good as done." My mom smiled, and after the discussed tactics ,we helped clean the kitchen.
The living room was starting to look like it did before. There were so many small details we had to recall in our memories in order to put them where they belonged. Jere was so specific about those that I would always ask rather than risk putting something in the wrong spot.
„So what did you and Conrad talk about last night?" Panic. Pure panic.
„You heard us?" I used every ounce of calmness in my body, trying to act as if it was nothing, as if we weren't talking about passion and love and what we meant to each other.
„No, I just saw him leave your room around 3" I couldn't quite tell if his tone was angry or not, he sounded suspiciously calm.
„We…were just…" The breaks between each word made all of it so awkward. I didn't know what to say. I wanted to run, far away where no one would ask me what happened. I couldn't decide which was worse: to think of a good lie as to why Conrad would be in my room at 3 in the morning or to find a way to nicely say what actually happened.
„It's fine, Bells, as long as it's finally over, for good." He knew me after all. The relief felt unreal, he was truly the right decision, the right choice, the right brother.
„It is." I nodded, and he smiled, walking over to me to kiss me. Unlike all of our other kisses, this one was sweet and gentle. I felt his hand on my hip, pulling me closer to him. I wrapped my arms around him and couldn't help but to smile during our sweet, loving kiss.
We were moving the furniture around the room, and I was pretty surprised how strong Jeremiah was. He could easily lift the armchairs and carry them across the room, and they weren't exactly small. His arms looked so hot whilst doing that.
After everything was done we sat down at the long couch. It was such a comforting feeling, having everything back in its place. I placed my legs over Jeremiah's lap, and he slowly put them back on the floor.
„Go get ready, I've planed something special for us." He seemed really excited about this, I loved that.
„I don't have anything special to wear."
„You look great in anything." He smiled and placed a kiss on my cheek, before leaving to go upstairs and change.
I saw Conrad walking down the stairs, on his mission to get to the kitchen unnoticed by me, he never once looked at me, again.
„I never meant for us to never talk to each other." I yelled after him, and he stood in his tracks.
„Well, it comes with the territory, Isabel. It's what you chose." He rarely called me Isabel. Usually, it was funny and breezy, almost refreshing. This was draining and emotionless.
I guess he really meant that as he continued to walk towards the kitchen. I wouldn't see him for the rest of the day. He was so cold, he didn't care anymore. He not once looked back. I should feel as horrible as I did. But here we are, me feeling like shit and him obviously not carrying at all.
Jere dressed up well, wearing dark green pants and a black shirt, while I was wearing a white dress with blue flowers. Susannah loved this one, she said it perfectly matched my „costal aesthetic".
„Ready?" He gave me one of his well-known ‚million dollar smiles', his golden retriever energy shining through.
„Yeah." I said, and he nodded, taking my hand in his. Unlike Conrad, his hand was always so warm.
„Take care of her!" We could hear my mom yell from the kitchen.
„I will!" Jere yelled back, his eyes not leaving mine.
Jere walked me to his car. He got in first, as he was leading the way, and I followed.
„So where are we going?" I asked, smiling at him while he typed in the address to his navigational system. At first, he didn't reply, but after starting the engine, he said:
„First, we gotta get some food into your system." He smiled and placed his hand on my thigh. I nodded as we drove to one of our favourite restaurants growing up. It was an Italian restaurant our mom's loved, so they would always take us there.
„I love this." I smiled stepping out of the car. He walked over to me to grab my hand and he kissed it, like in old movies.
„I know you do."
We walked inside, and the waiter lead us to our table. It had an ocean view, and the candles were lit. I couldn't help but to think about how cute this was of Jeremiah. He put thought into this, moments like these always reminded me how much I cared about this boy.
I sat down, after awkwardly waiting for a second for him to pull out my chair. I guess spending time with Conrad made me spoiled in that way. Conrad never let me open any door or pull out any chair. But, that didn't matter, I can open doors and pull out my own chair.
„I just wanted to tell you Belly, I'm so happy you're here… with me. I love that it's me, that it's us." He said.
„I love that it's us, too." I smiled as the waiter got us the menus.
The deck that the restaurant was on was decorated with fairy lights, while the whole restaurant hat the Italian feel — woody and painted in white. It felt cozy and comfortable, and if I were to close my eyes for a second too long, I could head Susannah and my mom laughing about something that happened to them in their twenties. They loved sharing one piece of tiramisu with a bottle of red Italian wine. I wonder if Taylor and I will sit here one day, with our children, and reminisce about these days.
We ordered our favourite things from the menu and talked about his upcoming year at Finch. He didn't seem overly excited as he still hadn't heard anything from the fraternity he applied to. However, he was definitely looking forward to all of the freshman parties waiting for him and all of the adventures that would be a part of his everyday life.
He was very confident that he found the right match, as Finch wasn't that far away from me, and we would still be able to see each other occasionally. It felt lovely that he already thought about it and looked up how long it would take him to get to where I lived. He made it seem all so easy, like he was looking forward to the future. That made me excited for it, too. I would finally be able to fully escape my past and enjoy my own little adventures with him. And maybe, just maybe, Finch could become my future as well.
„You look absolutely beautiful, Bells." He smiled.
„Thank you Jere. You cleaned up nicely too" I answered.
I didn't ever want to get lost in anyone else's light blue eyes, his were shining the brightest.
He took care of the check.
„Phase two." He smiled and stood up, offering me his hand again.
Without hesitation, I followed him to his car. If phase two was as romantic as phase one, I was okay with a little mystery; he is getting my full trust. It was slowly getting dark outside, after the golden hour — the blue hour was my favourite. It felt like the day was getting ready for bed; the air got crisp and the streetlights were already on.
„I was thinking we could go to Gigi's party." Excuse me.
„I— Um—" Was he serious?
„I know you like Gigi, and she is throwing this—"
„Sure." I said. Thank God ‚sure' was a full sentence, and it was short enough for Jere not to notice the disappointment in my tone.
Don't get me wrong, doing anything with Jere was always fun. He could make me laugh wherever we would go, and just having him around was beautiful. But maybe, just this once, we could be alone? Spend the time together like a real couple? Doing real couple things? I don't want to sound ungrateful, he planned this amazing dinner and he was a perfect communicator again. It's just, I wished to have him to myself.
We arrived at the party when things were heating up. Everyone was already there, and they all cheered in excitement to see Jere. He was the life of the party, and everyone knew what kind of a night it would be if he was there. He didn't let go of my hand, that caused many heads to turn in our direction.
Once he saw his friends opening a beer keg, he did let go of it. I didn't, though, at first. So, when he gently pulled away, it fell to my side. I understood; he hadn't seen them in a while and wanted to spend some time with them too. I tried brushing it off. I saw Shayla grabbing herself a drink, so I walked over to her.
We hugged instantly, and her tight grip grew stronger when she said my name.
„How have you been, girly?" She smiled, the hurt in her voice was evident.
„Life's been hard, but I'm hanging in there." I answered, and she rubbed my upper arm, comforting in her Shayla fashion. We didn't need this to be awkward, there wasn't much that could be said.
„So, you and Jere?" She winked at me playfully.
„Yeah, it kind of just happened."
„I think it's great, you two seem in love." She said, looking around to room, searching for Jere. He was already nowhere to be found.
„We are." I nodded. „This is actually a date." I said, and she raised an eyebrow.
„A date?" She smiled, trying to ease the uncomfortable air around us.
„Yeah, it's cool, we just went to dinner, it was nice, and then we decided to come her."
„You decided?" She was indeed extremely smart.
„How was Europe?" I asked enthusiastically.
„Oh, it was great." She answered, but that wasn't sincere, anyone would notice.
„And really?"
„I miss him, like hell." She gave me the most pathetic smile, she even had to laugh at herself at how forced that one looked. „But, I've heard he's moved on, which is great for him." She played with the ends of her hair nervously.
„He was really bumped about the break up." I think that was exactly what she needed to hear, especially in the past tense, they both needed to heal and move on.
„And Conrad?" That one will sting for a long time, I can feel it.
„We were together, but now we're not." I said somewhat keeping my distance to my own feelings revolving around Conrad.
„Hard to believe after the Deb Ball." She said.
„He stepped in when I needed him." I replied.
„He stepped in because he loves you." That smile on her face wasn't just cute, it was teasing.
„Loved. We aren't close anymore." Saying that made it real, I couldn't really talk about that with anyone. It needed to be said out loud though, but it was hard nevertheless. The words were burning on my tongue, it felt unnatural, like poison.
„We should dance, and drink, and definitely not talk about past lovers." She grabbed my hand and led me to the dance-floor after handing me a cup of what seemed to be something representing vodka-soda.
Jeremiah was out of my sight for a long time, but I didn't bother, Shayla and I danced for what seemed to be hours. We drank to the point I started feeling tipsy, everyone and their mother knew that I was a lightweight, but I was holding up well, it was all the pasta I ate before.
„The Color Violet" by Troy Lanez was playing when I told Shayla I needed to go to the restroom. I lied, I needed to find Jere and spend some time with him, it is our date, after all. Shayla probably saw right through my lie but nodded anyways, making her way to refresh her drink.
I started walking to the bathroom, I knew one was next to the large billiard room so I made my way over there, this house was insanely huge.
I was a fucking idiot. A fucking stupid ass, naive idiot for thinking that Jeremiah Fisher was anything short of a player everyone knew he was and I was the fool for believing he would ever be trustworthy.
She was sitting on the billiard table, her short little rhinestone top was revealing more skin than it was hiding, and the lipgloss she applied on her lips could serve as a disco ball. She was stroking his arm up and down, her long fake fingernails were probably going to leave marks. He was standing right between her legs, making her small headband, which probably used as a skirt, move up to almost reveal her whole lacy underwear. He was laughing about something she said, at least she was funny if not classy, but she wasn't the problem. His face was so close to her; it was an impossible scenario that he hadn't already kissed her.
I froze in front of them, and as a couple more people turned their heads, Jere probably noticed something was off and turned around too.
Shaking my head, I couldn't quite fathom how angry I would get. To prevent myself from bursting out in tears of rage in front of all of them, I took a few steps back.
„Belly, it's not what it looks like." Of course it's not, it never is with him. He moved away from the blonde, and she barely let go of him.
„Jeremiah, stay the fuck back." My voice was going to crack, I couldn't let that happen.
I turned around and started making my way out of the house, the amount of people kept making that hard. He grabbed my arm, and I brushed it off full of rage.
„Belly, you need to listen—"
„Did you kiss her?" I asked him, but I knew. He had some of that disco ball on his lips.
„It's not like that, let us talk."
„Let go of me." I yelled out, and people were starting to turn heads.
I pushed him away, allowing myself the space to escape this awful situation. I saw Shayla, and she noticed the tears forming in my eyes, she ran up to me.
„Belly, what happened?" She asked and took my hand.
Turning my head and looking towards Jeremiah, who was about to catch up to us, was enough for her to connect the dots. She turned red in fury, and let go of my hand, allowing me to leave the house.
Being tipsy didn't help. I felt sick, and my stomach was twisting and turning, and all I wanted was to cry my eyes out in my bed. I didn't know him at all, the sweet boy, the sweet caring boy that held my hand and kissed me like it was the last thing he would do, showed me how little I was worth. He was drunk too, but that couldn't be an excuse. I can't let that be an excuse.
To think that wasn't him would be easy, but maybe that was exactly who he was all along. He wanted to be here, he wanted to party. It was his choice to let go of my hand and to leave me there. This was who he was, and even though he wanted to apologise and explain himself, that wouldn't change anything, it was still who he was.
This changes and eventually ruins everything, every future plan I had just shattered. He told me he loved me, was that a lie? Was I naive to think that?
All I knew is where I wanted to be now, who I wanted to comfort me, who always knew how to comfort me best. I pulled out my phone and dialled his number. I knew it by heart. The tears smeared on my phone made that difficult since I was sobbing at this point.
I was lost, and there seemed to be no way I could just escape all of it. I was heartbroken and terribly sad, my hands were shaking, and I could barely hold my phone against my ear. I was squeezing my dress with the other hand, trying to calm myself down. It was freezing outside, but I didn't bother to grab my jacket, I just needed to get away.
„This is Conrad Fisher, leave a message after the tone." His voice was firm, determined, he sounded so grown up.
„Uuum… Conrad, I'm so sorry." my voice, saturated with tears, betrayed the depth of my despair. It was embarrassing, or it would be embarrassing if I called anyone else, but it was Conrad.
„Please come and get me, I'm at Gigi's" I noticed I was speaking very loudly into my phone, the alcohol and the loud music coming from the house made me think I need to.
„Conrad, I'm so sorry, I was so wrong. Please, I need you." I was breathing heavily, and my voice was shaky and nervous.
„I'm so—"
I noticed I was in the middle of the street; bright lights blinded me, and a loud, very loud noice echoed all around me. Two girls screamed their lungs out in front of the house, and it all suddenly went completely black and silent.