BELLY

„Jere?" I saw him standing at the door, patiently waiting for someone to acknowledge him.

Conrad stood up and gave me one more reassuring look before walking out. You cannot imagine the absolute chaos my head has been the past few hours. It was a shocking and confusing, I didn't know what to think, how to feel. I was scared and frustrated, and everyone just kept calming me down, as if there was a switch that could do that for me.

„I'm so glad you're okay." Jere said, still standing at the door.

I didn't answer him. To his disappointment, I didn't have amnesia, and I could remember every detail from that night. The way I wanted to erase myself from the earth, the way he didn't seem to care about us at all – it was all still there. Every second he spent in my aura, trying to act all worried, made me even more angry.

He made his way over to me, and I could feel my body tense and instantly move aside; it felt uncomfortable. Yes, he was my boyfriend, and yes, he had been one of my best friends forever. However, the indifference he showed me was crushing. He didn't just cheat on me; he betrayed me, my trust, and the love I went out of my way to prove to him. He simply and easily betrayed me, showing me how little he cared. Now, I needed to be the one to receive the signs.

„Don't do that." I said, disgust evident on my face.

„Do what?" He sat down where Conrad was just sitting.

„Act like you care." I crossed my arms.

„I do care, and I still love you."

„Don't lie." I shook my head in disbelieve. Is he really going for this story? Is he really expecting me to believe this and be fine with it?

„Bells, I really do love you. What happened at the party—"

„Let me guess, it was a mistake?" There was no patience left in my for his bullshit.

„It was, that shouldn't have happened and it will—"

„Don't go there Jere." My voice was calm, too calm; I was finished.

„I can show you how much I care."

„I don't want you to." It was hard, saying these things out loud. Feelings like these don't just go away, they were ever so present, but flashbacks from that night were a strong reminder of exactly what I never wanted to experience again.

„You know what I think, Bells?" He asked, his whole mood switched, and he wasn't the same.

„What?" Surprisingly, my indifference towards him grew stronger.

„I think you've switched sides long before the party. I just trusted you way too much."

„You trusted me too much? I got cheated on." I was looking straight into his eyes, searching for reasoning or anything that would show me all of this was a joke because I couldn't explain this otherwise. He was the one that broke promises; he was the one to throw away what we had.

„I got cheated on first." He was serious about this; I couldn't believe what he was saying.

„What are—"

„Tell me, Belly, how long were you going to lie to me about your feelings towards Conrad?" He was shooting to kill; he knew which buttons to push. This wasn't comfortable territory and I wasn't leading the conversation anymore.

„I didn't lie." The way he said it made my skin shiver.

„I just wish you didn't pretend to love me to hide that." How did we get to the point, where my love and my dedication was being questioned? Conrad and I slept in the same hotel room, and nothing happened. He couldn't even stay at a party and not make out with someone.

„I loved you." I replied, desperate for arguments, for anything to grasp at to prove a point, to prove him wrong. But I couldn't.

„You will always love him more." He said, you could almost hear his heart breaking. I guess he always knew that. I guess that was something he was ready to live with. I knew the conversation was coming to an end and then he added. „and what's even more absurd, I always knew that and I was ready to settle for that, just to be with you, to pretend you love me just as much."

He stood up and left, no goodbye, no last lingering stare, he just left. He probably just stayed here until I would wake up, so he wouldn't feel guilty if I wouldn't make it. He didn't need me to get well; he needed it to not be his fault. I was drowning in self-pity when I heard Conrad return.

My heart was so full of Conrad, I could barely call it my own. He deserved way more than what he got from me the last weeks. I was fighting myself, fighting myself to not show everyone, including myself that I wanted him, that I never stopped wanting him.

Not at prom, not at the funeral, not ever. When he wasn't there, I was picturing him next to me; when he was far away I wanted him close; when he was laughing I wanted him to laugh with me and when he wasn't, I wanted to make sure he would soon. I was unwillingly, still, falling in love with him.

The next few days felt like one long, never-ending doctor's appointment. Everyone was telling me things will be okay, that I will be fine, but I was still hurting. Pain was good, thought, it meant my senses were returning.

I eavesdropped on a conversation between Steven and my mom; Jere left for Boston. Maybe it was for the best, perhaps I needed him to be away from me now. Maybe this was what we both needed in order to heal.

There was one person that didn't leave, though. Instead of leaving, he showed me kindness and softness like no one ever had. He was patient and gentle, and his touch felt like it was melting my skin. He made sure I had the tea I liked, and his connections with the nurses secured me extra jello with my meal. He never portrayed me as a burden or damaged in his words; he just expressed his amazement and admiration of my strength every chance he got. Conrad wasn't looking at me like everyone else did; he didn't look forward to the time I could walk on my own. He just celebrated any time he had with me.

It was my first day back at the house from my accident. Conrad made sure to carry me to the couch. He didn't seem to mind, he made sure I was comfortable on the couch. My mom and Steven saw I was in good hands, so they gave us privacy. Steven was upstairs in his room, and my mom was sitting outside on the porch, working on a new book proposal.

I asked him if he wanted to stay with me and watch ‚Friends' together. It was my comfort-show, and I knew he wouldn't drift to sleep watching it either. He laid down next to me, it wasn't uncomfortable, even though the couch wasn't particularly big, we fit like puzzle pieces.

„Conrad?"

„Mhm?" He didn't look at me, he was concentrated on the show.

„Weren't you affected by our fight? In my room?" I asked, the question was haunting me ever since he closed the door behind him. He sat up and made sure we were looking at each other.

„I was." He said, surprised I would start the conversation like that. He was probably thinking these topics were saved for when I was up on my feet again.

„But why are you still here?" I asked because I knew I didn't deserve it.

„You are more important than my ego." He said and pulled my blanked up a bit so it covered my chest fully before he continued.

„And I will stay, for as long as you need me." He added, and I could feel goosebumps on my arms. I couldn't say anything that would match his energy, I just nodded, and we both turned to the screen.

„And besides, nothing you say could possibly make me not love you." He didn't look away from the screen, and I searched for his hand under the blankets. Once I found it, I intertwined my fingers with his. It felt like he was waiting for this. He held my hand with a tight grip, and his thumb played with my hand, drawing invisible infinity signs.

That night he carried me up to my room, he didn't like the idea of me sleeping on the couch, he always joked that the couch was for the lazy husbands. He didn't seem to have any trouble carrying me up the stairs. He gently placed me on my bed. Everything was back in its place in my room. Conrad even handed me Junior Mint, his deserved spot was on my bed, in my arms.

„It was a mistake." I said, just as he wanted to leave, I didn't want him to.

„What was?" He turned around.

„Choosing Jere."

I wish I knew what Conrad was thinking right now. I wish I knew if he felt betrayed, if there was any shred of hope for me to grasp onto and make him see that it was him all along. It was a mistake, pretending I could ever be with anyone else. Conrad was the first boy I ever loved.

He disappointed me, but he was never against me. He broke my heart, but never because he didn't love me. Nobody ever loved me as gentle as he did.

„I understand why you did." He was hurt, I could tell by his voice.

„Doesn't make it any less of a mistake."

„We all make mistakes." He said, in his best efforts to lift up my mood.

„I'm happy you stayed, Conrad." I smiled, and he let go of the doorknob he was holding. He returned to me, sat down on the bed and moved dangerously close to me.

„Nothing changed for me, Belly" His stare was intense.

„Conrad, I—"

„Nothing changed, I will always want you, we need time." He placed his hand so softly on my cheek, he could feel how warm I am when he was near me, which only made me blush even more.

He moved closer to me and I could feel my whole body warm up. I gripped onto his shirt, fighting the urge to pull him closer to me faster. He kissed my forehead. It was sweet and caring, he was gentle. I closed my eyes and let go of his shirt, then grabbed a hold of his bare side. He didn't move an inch, nor did he twitch at my touch. His lips parted with my forehead, yet his lips remained close to my skin. His breath felt intense against the spot he just kissed.

„I will never give up on this." He whispered as he moved away from me.

I shivered, my body felt cold. I watched him close the door behind him, and I sank into my pillow, feeling touched in placed he hadn't touched me tonight. Never did a forehead kiss feel like this before, and he has kissed me like this several times before. It was like coming home.

The next days were as tiring as the doctors said they would be. Physical therapy was no joke, and having zero patience was obviously going to kill me first.

Conrad was driving me to all of them; he wouldn't miss a single appointment and he made sure to help me any chance he would get. Usually, he would sit in the waiting room, but today he was allowed inside. It was bothering me that Sarah, the receptionist, was eyeing him up and down the whole time anyway.

I don't want to bore you with the details, I don't even remember most of the steps from our todays session anyways. I was starring at him the whole time to be completely honest. He seemed so tense, and every time I would sharply inhale due to the pain, he would look away. He had his arms crossed and I could see the grip tense.

„You're doing so well, Isabel." Dr. Plack said as he gently massaged my left leg. I was lying on my stomach, when I looked up, Conrad locked eyes with me.

„You can come over here young man" He added, and completely confused, Conrad stood up and walked over to us.

„You could do this at home." Dr. Plack added, and my eyes shot wide open.

„Oh no, no, it's fine, I–" I wanted to avoid uncomfortable situations and conversations, but Conrad cut me off.

„Show me." He responded and placed his hands on my other leg.

I could feel his hands, presumably because they were ice cold. No matter in how much pain I was, his touch still sent sparks up and down my body.

„You apply pressure from the bottom and move your thumbs up." The doctor was explaining, and Conrad stayed silent, following the instructions.

Conrad's hands were soft, yet they had a firm touch.

„When you reach this part right here, you can do circular motions to activate the senses here." I couldn't see where he was pointing to, but once Conrad repositioned himself and fully grabbed my leg, I had to burry my head into the pillow for no one to see me roll my eyes in pleasure.

It didn't hurt like it usually would, Conrad was still gentle towards me. I wasn't sure if it was due to the fact that he was the one touching me, but I wish he wouldn't let go of me.

I got to turn around and lay on my back as the Doctor would give Conrad some more advice. I've never seen him this concentrated before, I wonder if he was like this in college.

College. It was a thought I didn't get to visit in forever. He was leaving in less than a month. Stanford was waiting for him, alongside so many adventures that won't make him think of me. I was trying not to think of this so selfishly, he wouldn't either. If anything, he would be happy and proud. I wasn't so good at that. Of course, I wanted both of the Fisher boys to have everything that they ever hoped for in live and more, yet imagining Conrad get on that plane hurt me in way I couldn't quite grasp.

„If you have any other questions, feel free to call me." Dr. Plack said as he was shaking Conrad's hand. I always admired how upright Conrad was, how proper he looked, his handshake was firm and steady.

„Thank you so much" Conrad smiled and turned to me.

„Ready to go?" He whispered so only I could hear him.

I nodded and wrapped my arms around him. He made it look so easy, carrying me to the wheel chair.

On our way back, we stopped to get the good peaches again, they were without a doubt, some of the best party of each summer.

„So, Stanford?" I asked and looked over to him.

„Yeah… Stanford." He said. I could tell his mood changed, his smile faded, he looked worried.

„Are you excited?" I gave it my all; I wanted to sound cheerful.

„It's not that far, and I will be back for Thanksgiving and—"

„It's okay, Connie" It was hard, I could feel it, but I couldn't go there now. There was nothing strong left in me to go there now. He didn't say anything, he was just looking at the road ahead of us.

„We'll figure it out… if you… want to." He was so nervous.

We haven't talked about it yet, we were still both recovering from what happened. I liked the way he wanted to take care of me, that was all I knew. He never seemed tired me of me, never bored, never annoyed, scared at best. Scared not to hurt me, scared if I was in pain, scared to leave me. I grew fond of the idea that he might like being around me, as much as I liked having him around.

Truth to be told I wasn't sure what I would tell him if we were to talk about it. I let him down and hurt his feelings so many times I lost track, and If I knew one thing, it was that I was undeserving of this. The way he would drive me anywhere, carry me across the house, learn to make my favourite food as if he was assigned to be here for me.

I knew, however, that being this close to him had consequences. I was inevitably falling in love again, in the way he cared, the way his touch never failed in being gentle. Being close to him was like being set completely free but still not wanting to ever leave his space. He was like he used to be, kind and effortlessly caring, not in way you would ever presume that he was doing this out of anything else but the kindness of his heart.

„You want to, right?" This question could mean a lot of different things, and the answer to all versions was the same.

„I want to." I said in a soft tone. I saw that he was hesitant to hold my hand out openly.

Back home, my mom voiced her concerns regarding Jere and how he hasn't answered any of her texts lately. I understand he didn't want anything to do with me, but must he worry my mom? I couldn't stop my eyes from rolling.

„Steven told me." She said.

„Told you what?" Looking back at this moment, I regret being so rude to my mom; she didn't deserve it.

„About what happened the night of the accident." It was hard, not going back there, not thinking about it.

„You can't change what happened." It was something she used to tell me often.

„Yes, but you can change how things go from now on." She placed her hand on my shoulder and gave me one of those motherly ‚trust the process' looks she mastered over the years.

„He ended things being mad at me; can you believe it?"

„He is mad at himself, but he doesn't know how to live with that, it reminds me of Adam." She looked away, she always would when a topic came up she wasn't comfortable with.

Once it got dark, Conrad brought me to my room.

„I hate whoever made you think you have to help me all the time." I said.

„I hate him too, what a jack-ass." He chuckled as he gently put me down on my bed.

„Belly, don't worry about me." He smiled and placed a hand on my lap, I liked the sight of that.

„What do you mean?"

„I'm fine, I'm more than fine around you, none of this bothers me. In fact, this way, I don't have to make up excuses to spend time with you without you thinking I have something better to do." It was true; back in the days, whenever he would do something with me, I would always think our moms made him so I wouldn't feel lonely I always saw myself as a chore, something he had to cross off his list. Strange how the first-person perspective isn't a reliable one.

„Thank you, Conrad."

„Can I try?" He got shy.

„Try what?" I raised an eyebrow.

„The thing from today, the massage." He made it sound like a dirty word.

„Okay." In that moment I noticed how nervous I was too.

He helped me lay in my bed on my stomach. I was wearing shorts and a tank top, something I usually sleep in. He moved the blanked to the side and positioned himself so he would hover above me but not lean against me in any way.

„You have to tell me if it's uncomfortable." He said and I nodded, my head comfortably resting on my extremely large pillow.

It took him several moments to build up the courage to touch me, but when he did, it didn't hurt. He pressed against my calf, and his fingers gently moved up, just like he learned today.

„Conrad?" He instantly stopped.

„Oh no, I'm so sorry Belly I—„

„Please don't stop." I smiled, and I could her his deep breath, showing relief.

He did it again, more confidently, and I could feel the presence of his body close to mine now. His deep breaths tickled my bare skin, and it felt like no one ever touched me up to this moment, and I've been frozen for years. His fingers moved gently, without stops along the way, without bumps, he glided against my skin like he owned it. He did, but he wasn't aware of that yet.

He didn't stop at my calf, he was hesitant at first, but after receiving just a long, deep breath, he moved his thumbs even higher up.

I always thought no one knew I was ticklish behind my knee, but it was like he purposely skipped that part of my leg.

As he reached my thigh, I got nervous, not because of him. It was me I didn't trust when it comes to Conrad touching my thigh. I inhaled sharply when I felt his hand move in between my thighs. He was unbearably slow and touched me ever so slightly, but it was enough to make my mind lose track of space and time. Surprisingly, none of this hurt. My body was reaching out to the magnetic force of his fingers sliding torturously slow against my inner thighs.

„I know you like that." He whispered against my ear, and I couldn't see him smile, but he had that specific smile on, the one you could almost hear forming on his face.

It was embarrassing to admit that I was wet from feeling his fingers between my legs, and I knew he felt it, as his fingers teased me again, moving an inch higher, stopping at my shorts that were revealing more than they were hiding.

He massaged the inner side of my thigh. His touch got firmer, hungrier, and I inhaled sharply before letting out a soft moan. I grabbed the blanket next to me, hoping it would distract my senses from wanting him to move those damn shorts to the side.

„Conrad, this is—"

„I know, for me too."

For the first time in forever, he kissed my neck. It was a careful kiss, he ever so slowly brushed his lips against my skin, and he knew exactly what that did to me. I wanted him. I wanted to touch him in forbidden places, the way he liked it. I wanted to run my fingers through his soft hair, and have his hands anywhere and everywhere.

„Conrad! Belly! Are you guys up?" Steven knocked on the door, and Conrad jumped up, away from me.

I couldn't believe how quickly I became mad. My perfect moment of just the two of us, rudely interrupted. This better be good. Conrad was uncomfortably trying to pull himself together, it was humorous. He pulled the blanket over me, quickly tucked me in, and walked over the door. He opened it just an inch.

„What do you want Steven?" Okay, Conrad was mad too

„I don't know what to do with him. Jess brought him here."

I pushed my upper body and, at the door, leaned against Steven was Jere. He seemed to be in something like a trance, he was obviously drunk. He could barely stand on his two feet.

„Jess?" Conrad sounded surprised.

„Yeah, she dropped him off. I don't want to alarm my mom, she will call your dad, dude." Steven was right.

Conrad turned around and gave me an apologetic glance, as if this was his fault. I nodded, signalling that it was okay if he left. He nodded, disappointed, he probably wished I protested. He closed the door behind him.

What in the world would bring Jere back here? He made it very clear that all of this was my fault, and there was nothing I could do about that. If he wanted to sort things out, he would probably do that sober. However, him being brought here by the girl he cheated on me with raises the question of whether he regretted any of that in the first place.

„Jere, no, stop!" I heard Steven yell from outside.

What the fuck is going on?