Randy stands on the Los Angeles soundstage in front of a live studio audience, "On this season of Survivor…"
"Twenty British people were separated into four tribes based on bravery, intelligence, deception, and, uhh, patience?" Shots of the Sorting Hat looking extra cunty on people's heads.
"At the first immunity challenge, a huge twist changed the game. Two tribe houses would be attending each tribal council, resulting in one or two people being eliminated from the game." Harry makes an 'oh' face.
"Ravenclaw and Slytherin were too slow on the race up the stairs challenge, and at tribal council, Minerva detailed her sexual assault from Hermione's cat. However, Draco, his slave Dobby, Hermione, and Lavender made her the first boot." Shot of McGonagall getting her torch snuffed.
"In a twist of fate at the next tribal, Gryffindor and Hufflepuff failed botany class or whatever." Sepia-toned flashback of Neville Longbottom fainting.
"After a day of scrambling, it seemed like all the Gryffindor boys were safe until, at tribal, the surprise of the first double elimination sent shockwaves." Harry gets whispered gang-banged by his entire tribe. "Harry Potter fell into the swing vote against Albus Dumbledore and George Weasley, and he split up the brothers." Shot of George waving goodbye. "On Hufflepuff, the vote exploded, and Professor Sybill Trelawney's premonition of getting blindsided came true."
"After this, our good Lord Voldemort blessed Neville's taint with his presence." Funky music plays over Neville trying to self-harm. "Hagrid also came out as trans to Harry." Hagrid's puffy vagina steals the shot.
"The Hufflepuffs and Slytherins failed their fear factor challenge, Cedric Diggory couldn't find the idol to save himself, and the Slytherins sent him packing." Cedric's fangs glistened as he scowled, leaving the Grand Hall.
"Somehow Ginny found the first idol of the game, and a tribe swap shook up the game." Shot of Harry, Hermione, Snape, and Ginny choosing their new tribes. "At the broomsticks challenge, Ginny and Snape paid the price for picking the slow old."
"Neville begged his abuser Dumbledore to rid Voldemort from him because he's a pussy ass bitch who didn't deserve our demon king. Anyways, Dolores Umbridge got blindsided."
"The Slytherin and Hufflepuff teams continued their losing streaks at the hedge maze race. And the double eliminations turned the intensity up to eleven."
"Albus got stuck between his two slam pieces and sent Neville packing," Neville cried and threw a fit.
"And right after, Ginny saved Luna with her idol, cutting Dobby the elf, which angered Winky."
"This came back to bite Ginny in the ass because, at the next tribal council, Winky quit the game."
"As two houses were down to two players, a swap was necessary." A shot of the final twelve getting their new buffs.
"After the quidditch immunity match, unsurprisingly, most of the cast decided that Luna Lovegood was too weird to continue." Luna waves goodbye as she leaves.
A montage of everyone's loved ones plays: "At the family visit, it was revealed that another two people would be leaving." #budgetcuts pop up in the corner.
"Ron and Snape won immunities and took Hermione's loved one to her last supper." A censored version of Hagrid murdering J.K.
Harry Potter getting blindsided is shown, "Harry got outplayed by the girl's alliance, and our big favorite trans man caught himself in a deadlock against Hermione, but since Draco played his idol, the rocks were not his in favor." Hagrid bows out as his torch gets snuffed.
"The merge finally happened, and the final nine won big at the auction," Hermione putting on her time turner and Snape winning immunity. "The vote came down to Draco and Parvati, and Lavender decided to break up the Ravenclaw girls, making Parvati the third member of the jury."
The chess pieces fucking on the board, "We swapped AGAIN at final eight. Hermione and Cho slayed the fuck out of the chess challenge leading to Professor Snape's messy 3-2-2-1 blindside." Snape flips his bangs as his torch gets snuffed.
"After the re-merge, Albus won immunity and found that Voldemort wasn't gone." Albus being Islamophobic, and Voldemort taunts him. "Lavender and Hermione made up after Ms. Granger stole her melanin, and they came together to blindside Ron." Ron getting his torch snuffed sexily.
"At the car challenge, Dumbledore surprised everyone by winning a second challenge in a row." Fun montage of cars crashing. "Cho Chang lost the plot and was eliminated by her good friend Lavender." Cho's torch gets extinguished.
"Finally, last time on Survivor. The castaways desecrated some elf corpses at the touchy subjects challenge. However, Ginny's perceived winning potential sent her to the jury." A flashback of a death eater wearing a pig's head kidnapping Ginny.
"We have our final four, and WHO will outwit, outplay, and outlast to become our sole Survivor?"
Magic Tribe
Night 16
Albus drudges into the forest by himself.
"Losing Ginny hit me harder than I thought." Albus shed a tear, "I'm going to have to win these last two challenges."
Draco, Lavender, and Hermione stand around the campfire. "Thank you both, that old man is toast." Hermione places a hand on her hip,
"Yeah fuck Dumble," Draco mumbles.
"So, I need to cover my bases. Anyone could win immunity at this stage." Hermione combing her ratty hair, "I don't even know who I could beat the final two. I guess it might not matter."
As Hermione gives her confessional, Draco huddles with Lavender, "You're my final two."
"Yeah, I think either of them will win," Lavender puts her thumb in her mouth and bites down.
"I think it all depends on who's wearing the necklace tomorrow. I mean, I would like to win one so I don't seem like such a loser." Lavender anxiously smiles. "Hope they don't realize that I'm a threat."
The moon glistens, and Albus and Draco are both taking a piss into the ocean, "Hear me out, boy, those girls aren't trustworthy."
Draco grunts, "Granger's grungy ass should go next,"
"It's all coming together; my plans are coming to fruition. Yes, yes!" Albus shakes in anticipation.
"Sounds perfect, my boy. I will not write your name down." They shake each other's hands.
"A white person should win this game. Me." Draco stands erect on some rocks near the ocean.
Lavender and Hermione were walking together to the owl mail station, "I want a girl to win," Hermione says nonchalantly.
"Yeah, me too; what's the letter say this time?"
"Before your final two challenges, you'll need to reminisce about the people you betrayed throughout this adventure." Hermione finishes reading, "There are new robes and witch hats in the mail bin for our journey too," Hermione places a funky purple hat on her head and her Lavender laugh together.
The sun begins to rise, and the girls run to Albus and Draco, asleep in the shelter. "Boys, new robes!"
Dumbledore rubs his sleepy eyes, "Perfect, my diaper has been giving me crotch rot,"
"This might be the best event we've had yet; I love being nostalgic. When you're as decrepit as me, all you have left to do is sit around and think about the young closeted men who you banged climbing the ranks of the wizarding world..." Albus rocking his new robe as triumphant music plays in the background.
Rites of Passage
Day 17
Minerva's torch is the first they approach as they leave the room of requirement back into Hogwarts proper.
"Glad that lying cunt went home first." Crookshanks meows in agreement.
"It's crazy that you or Draco almost went home first!" Lavender says as she picks up Minerva's torch.
"What everyone didn't know is that I gave that rapist cat, feline AIDS," Minerva cackles over a flashback of her struggling on the spinning stairs.
Coming up to George's and Sybill's name tags, Albus bursts into a hearty laugh, "This could have been me that night."
"Yeah, I'm sad Trelawney went early. I fuck with her aura," Hermione says, and Lavender nods. Draco pointedly says nothing.
"Potter shat the bed there, didn't he? I would have made sure to protect him." A shot of him smiling balls deep into Ron.
Trelawney bugging out her eyes and patting Winky on the back, "I have gazed deep into the future and know that I will return and make it to the end on my second go around." Loud gulping sounds as she drinks her sorrows away.
The camera spins around to Cedric's torch right before the entrance to the Great Hall.
"I remember this faggot; we got him good, Lav," Draco smiles, and Lavender awkwardly nods.
"Yeah, I thought he would have lasted longer." Shrugging, Hermione quickly snatches his torch up.
"After the season, I decided to move to Forks, Washington, out of shame," Cedric looking sexy at camp.
"Oh, this bitch," Lavender rolls her eyes as they come upon Dolores' torch.
"Yeah, what was her problem?" Hermione asks.
"This was a complete waste of my time," Dolores says, sounding fucked up from the centaurs destroying her cooter.
They continue approaching two torches this time. The tags read Neville and Dobby.
"Neville was such a good boy," Albus caresses his torch. Lavender pretends to barf, and Draco giggles.
"Losing my slave was rough, but I guess I didn't need him anyway," Draco says while Hermione looks like she's about to go on a tirade about saving the elves, but she grabs Dobby's torch aggressively.
"Daddy Dumbledore fucked up sending me home, we could have been at the end together." Slamcut of Neville passing out at the challenge and getting Voldemort exorcized from his bussy.
"Dobby tried really hard, Dobby loves Survivor!" Dobby drank Draco's piss excitedly.
Winky's torch lying on the ground, Hermione cries, "How disrespectful, the elf genocide is happening, and all you cowards say nothing,"
Draco coughs in response.
"Winky holds no regret," Winky is shown making food around camp and strategizing with Ginny. "Winky open up a bakery with my two children. Winky so happy."
Lavender skips up to Luna's torch, "She seems sweet, but damn, that girl was weird," Hermione frowns but doesn't disagree.
"I didn't rape her," Draco adds.
Albus just grabs her torch and moves on.
Luna twerking in her skirt, "This game was so much fun! La la la, No, I'm not taking my meds! You can't make me!"
"The boy who lived…" Dumbledore says as he grabs Harry's torch.
"I thought he would be here, to be honest," Hermione brushes her bushy hair out of her face as they continue to walk down the Hogwarts Halls.
"I'm proud I beat him. I feel like he was a huge threat in ironic hindsight."
Draco nods at Lavender as they lag behind, "Gottem."
Montage of Harry being stank and getting fucked by most of the male cast this season. "How could they let the chosen one lose like that? I was supposed to be destined to win the season."
After collecting Harry's torch, Draco notices the blood on the walls, "Look everyone, I think it's a clue for our next challenge."
Hermione reads, "The Chamber of Secrets has been opened. Enemies of the heir... beware,"
Albus hums and grabs Hagrid's torch.
"He was too strong," Draco notes.
"Oh, I'm glad that tranny murderer lost. I hate her!" Hermione's face gets red, and Lavender giggles.
A shot of Hagrid's pussy hanging out cuts to him killing JK Rowling, "I have no regrets. It is what it is."
Parvati's torch is surrounded by all the portrait ghosts talking shit and spoiling the season online.
"Hilarious that she was the merge boot," Draco snickers as Hermione offendedly picks up another torch.
"Being on Survivor was my biggest dream! I'm so happy with how I played and would love to run it back."
Albus goes up and kisses Snape's torch. He licks it, much to everyone's disgust. No one says anything as Dumbledore cum tributes the torch.
"Those fools might have pulled one on me, but I will have the last laugh." Shots of Snape looking stank and performing necrophilia.
"His cock was so bomb," Draco says, and Lavender nods in agreement.
"They got me good!" Dramatic music plays over all the times Ron got his bussy bombed from the back. "Whoever will win, I'm proud to have taken part in this life-changing experience."
As the final four continue down the corridor toward the girl's bathroom, they encounter Cho's torch.
"If someone weren't fake as hell, maybe she'd still be here." Hermione glares at Lavender, who looks guilty.
"Cho needed to go. She was too smart." Draco spits on the floor.
"Here's an old Chinese saying that encapsulates my time on this game show," Cho clears her throat, "Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid of standing still."
"The last torch, finally, my hips ache," Albus cracks his hips in a sexy manner.
"I guess I'm glad I made it as far as I did." Ginny playing her idol on Winky, being lazy and flopping on the sand on day one. "I just hope that stank bitch Hermione dies."
"There's another message written in blood. Her skeleton will lie in the chamber forever," Lavender says and shivers.
Randy pops out of the girl's bathroom and ushers them inside, "To honor your fallen comrades please flush them down the magic toilets."
Somber music plays as Hermione shoves a few torches and has to flush like six times, Lavender begins crying for no reason.
Immunity Challenge
Day 17
As the contestants stood before the elaborate sink puzzles, the anticipation in the air was palpable. Hermione, with her unruly hair and bookish charm, squinted her eyes as she surveyed the stalls. Lavender, sporting hoop earrings and a fierce determination cracked her knuckles and smirked. Albus, with his mischievous grin, adjusted his spectacles and exchanged a nervous glance with Draco, the brooding bad boy with icy blue eyes.
"Okay, hope that journey was enlightening and invigorating for you guys," Randy, the eccentric douche, announced, gesturing to the sink puzzles. "Welcome to your first challenge today. The goal is to get into the chamber of secrets. You'll need to search the stalls for letter blocks to spell out the spell to open the chamber."
Hermione's heart raced as the weight of the challenge settled in her chest. She had studied countless spells and solved numerous puzzles, but this was unlike anything she had encountered before. Lavender cracked her knuckles and stretched her neck, showcasing her newfound confidence.
"Piece of cake," she said, her voice dripping with bravado. "Just watch me, Hermione."
But before they could even step, Moaning Myrtle spun around Randy and planted a wet, ghostly kiss on his cheek. The contestants collectively cringed.
"Oh, and also, Myrtle here will be flooding the room," Randy continued nonchalantly, wiping his cheek. "So be quick about it, or you'll drown."
The room fell into shocked silence, broken only by Albus muttering under his breath, "Well, this just got a whole lot more interesting."
With time ticking away and the chamber of secrets beckoning, the four of them locked eyes, their determination mirrored in one another. They knew that their journey had led them to this moment.
"Alright," Hermione said, her voice steady yet resolute. "Let's find those letter blocks and unlock the chamber. Failure is not an option."
With renewed determination, they dove into the stalls, rummaging through diarrhea, gnomes, and enchanted toilet paper. The rising water sloshed against their ankles, creating an urgent symphony of spills and splashes.
Sweat trickled down Hermione's forehead as she carried the letter blocks to her station, desperately trying to form the spell that would open the Chamber of Secrets. Her heart raced in her chest, and she could hear the sound of her blood pulsating in her ears.
Lavender trembled beside her arriving second with all her blocks, her hands shaking as she gripped the letters. The disappointment from her previous performances weighed heavily on her, but she was determined to prove herself in this challenge.
Albus, his glasses smudged with poop and sweat, furrowed his brow in deep concentration. His fingers grazed over the letters, his mind forming strategies and calculations trying to solve the puzzle faster than everyone else.
Draco's usual arrogance suppressed beneath a mask of focused intensity, scanned the room with steely gray eyes. He had not found all of his puzzle blocks yet.
As the clock ticked away, Randy's voice echoed through the chamber, "Time's running out, folks! The water is rising, and you don't want to go for a swimming lesson with Moaning Myrtle!"
Being the shortest, Lavender struggles to tread water as the sinks begin to shift.
"The password is psssss! Oh my god! Randy, I got it!" Hermione yelled and slinked into the chamber.
Enormous serpent statues beckon Hermione to sprint down the long hallway. The immunity necklace sits atop Ginny Weasley's catatonic body.
Randy followed behind, "To win immunity, you must wake up Ginny with a kiss before she dies."
"Really? Ugh," Mustering up the courage, Hermione gives Ginny some tongue, and Ginny shakes back into consciousness.
"Huh? Where am I?" Ginny wakes up, and Nurse Goodly appears on the scene.
Draco, Lavender, and Albus all run in and collectively gulp at seeing the jury sitting not too far away.
Tribal Council
Night 17
Ginny is now sitting next to Cho with an ice pack on her head. Randy sighs and says, "Welcome to the first tribal council of the night, Miss Granger is safe,"
Hermione nods, "The challenge was perfect for me. I'm highly logical, which allows me to bypass extraneous detail and perceive clearly that which others overlook."
"I definitely overlooked the puzzle," Lavender laughs, and Cho glares at her from the jury bench.
"Do you think that was a million-dollar challenge, Lavender?"
She gasps, "I hope not. I would love the opportunity to play in the final challenge of the season."
Snape looks super stank as he wipes his nose.
Randy devilishly smiles, "So, who is everyone thinking of taking to the final two?
The final four awkwardly shift before Albus speaks, "Well, it is a matter of: do you eliminate someone who will win the final challenge or someone who will win the jury?"
Intense close-up of Draco. "My vote is locked in. I'm being loyal to the alliance I made two weeks ago."
Randy gets all smug, "Interesting counterpoint. Is loyalty worth more than your individual chance?"
"I don't think so," Hermione says nonchalantly. "We're past the point of loyalty."
Harry bristles on the jury, and water drips from the ceiling, making the following silence noticeable.
"Let's not waste any more time, Hermione, you're up,"
Hermione excitedly heads her way to a corner of the chamber of secrets and makes a curt smile as she uncaps the marker.
"Sorry, old man," Draco votes for [Dumbledore].
"Fuck," Rubbing her forehead Lavender stalls the tribal council.
Dramatic music begins to play, "This might be my last chance to take a shot at you," Albus cripplingly writes down a name.
Randy retrieves the goblet. "The person voted out must leave the Chamber of Secrets immediately. I'll read the votes."
Pregnant pause, "first vote,"
[Draco]
He frowns as Ron audibly disapproves.
Randy pulls out the next vote, [Lavender]. "One vote for Draco, one vote for Lavender." The camera settles on Hermione, blinking.
"I'm so scared," visibly shaking in her seat, Lavender yelps a little.
Randy unfolds the next vote, [Dumbledore]. "That's one vote a piece for all eligible options. The final vote will decide it." Lavender rubs her hands together, Albus shakes his legs, and Hermione smiles wide.
"The sixteenth person voted out and the eighth member of our jury."
Randy holds the vote to himself and hangs on to it in suspense.
"I'm going to need your torch,"
He flips around [Draco]
"Stupid mudbloods, fuck you guys." Draco quickly hops up and grabs his torch. Hagrid slaps his knee on the jury. Lavender's face is a mix of red, white, and brown as she cradles her head in between her knees.
"Draco, the tribe has spoken," Randy drops the snuffer on Draco's torch. "You are still losers in life." He flips them off as he dashes away from the chamber.
Draco sits on one of the toilets in the girl's bathroom, "Whatever, I don't care." He pouts and cries a little.
Randy turns the final three, "Our final immunity is about to arrive," A tremendous snake rumbles through the chamber.
Lavender gasps as it returns to Randy in Los Angeles.
"Only three remain. Stay tuned after these commercials to see who will make the final tribal council!"