DAY 21: CLARKE

I'm holding my breath. I'm very aware of that, yet I don't feel in control to change it. I'm also aware of everyone else holding their breath.

We're all staring at her eyes, staring in anticipation of that first subtle tremble of her closed eyelids. There's no doubt that she's about to open them. In fact that's the only thing we're sure of. No, the real question is: who are we going to meet? Will it be Charmaine Diyoza, my friend or foe—we've been switching sides so many times, I honestly don't know anymore—yet someone with a conscious mind either way, or some voracious monster that only looks like the former colonel?

When she starts to blink against the light, I raise my arm, my fingers clenched so tight around the handle of the knife that they turn white. I'm ready to strike if I have to. But oh please, don't let me have to!

As soon as her eyes are fully open her mouth follows, ready to bite the air between us. If possible I inhale even deeper.

But her teeth don't snap back together.

"Good morning to you too, Clarke," she grumbles instead, her voice still groggy from sleep.

I don't feel able to reply. Finally letting my held breath escape, I immediately start to gasp for new air. I think I need a minute.

"You might wanna lower that down," she goes on, nodding at my now shaking hand, and the sharp blade that's still pointing towards her face. While I do as she asks, Mom steps forward.

"How are you feeling, Charmaine?"

Diyoza rubs her eyes, then slowly sits up and takes the glass of water that Mom offers her. "Quite alright, I think. Definitely better than right before this little nap." Her gaze flicks around. "How long was I under?"

"More than two weeks," Mom tells her. "You uh, you're the first one to wake up... alive."

"You're saying there's another way?" Diyoza frowns.

"There is," Raven jumps in, "One of the many things we learned these weeks is that those creatures that bit you are actually dead. Brain dead, to be more specific. And that a bite will turn you into them."

"So the Muppet was right? To lock me up as a precaution, before moving me up here?"

"She was," Raven nods.

As Diyoza stares at her, I can see the disbelief in her eyes. "How did she know?" she asks.

Raven's eyes find mine. This one is for you, they seem to tell me. I clear my throat, drawing Diyoza's attention.

"I told her," I finally speak up. "When you guys were looking for me, I met... some people. People who've been around. They gave me a little Living Dead 101. I met up with Madi, who told me what happened to you, and passed the information on." I decide right on the spot not to tell her about my you-have-to-stab-her-in-the-head advise, especially when I note how her lips curl into a grin.

"Well how about that?" she smirks, "Clarke Griffin actually saved my life!"

I smile along uncomfortably, while trying to convince myself that ignorance is bliss, but it doesn't really matter; she's already looking at Mom again.

"So tell me Doc, how did you get me to stay me?"

"We have taken the liberty of turning you into a Nightblood," Mom owns up, "I hope you understand that we would have preferred to get your consent, but there was no way of asking you without risking it all."

"I understand the last part," Diyoza smiles in that crooked way of hers, "But I'm afraid the Nightblood thing needs a lot more explaining."

Mom nods. "Of course, I will tell you all about it. I promise. But first I'd like to run some tests."

"You're not sure if you actually cured me?" Moving her hands to her belly, Diyoza gently strokes her baby bump, telling us where the sudden worry in her voice is coming from. "How about Hope? Is she okay?"

Showing her a reassuring smile, Mom lightly rests her hand on Diyoza's shoulder. "So far everything seems fine, for the both of you. Your temperature dropped down to normal, which is a very good sign. Probably also a reason why you feel much better. But I can't say anything for sure without some proper examination."

"We learned a lot," Raven adds, shifting from one foot to the other, "but unfortunately there's a lot more we haven't figured out yet." It's probably not what Diyoza wants to hear, but it's the most honest answer they can give her now.

"Come on," Mom says as she helps her out of the cryogenic pod, "Let's get to the lab."

I watch them leave, Diyoza between Mom and Jackson - wobbling, which I assume is the result of a very lengthy pregnancy of over two hundred years and thus nothing to worry about.

"You're coming?" Raven asks.

Without much thought I look at my wrist to check the time, even though I know better as I lost Dad's watch years ago - a habit I just can't kick. I feel like it must have been hours since I left Madi and Lexa though.

"I think I'd rather check on Madi," I answer her as our eyes meet again.

She raises her brows. "Madi... or your girlfriend?"

"One does not exclude the other," I mumble, feeling annoyance rise already. Not waiting for her response, I walk past her towards the exit of Cryo Chamber B.

"Clarke, wait," she calls after me. I stop and look at her, not able to withhold the sigh that falls from my lips.

"What now?"

"I'm sorry," she shrugs a bit awkwardly. "For real. I'm glad and thankful you came along with us. The both of you! You seemed to have found a nice place, but you left it for us anyway. And you've really been a great help..." Her eyes drift off to the hand I subconsciously press against the sore spot on my hip. "... and not just when it came to Madi."

I nod and force a smile, realizing she's extending an olive branch. It's up to me now.

"I know seeing Lexa again must have brought back some painful memories to you. But those were different times. We were different people. We made mistakes, all of us, Lexa included. But she's done a lot of great things as well."

She shoves her hands in her pockets, taking a deep breath. "I know."

"And she's really important to me," I go on, "So one way or another, she's gonna stick around. You two don't have to be best friends, but I hope you can at least get used to that."

"You know what, I think I already am." The corner of her mouth lifts a bit, enough to take it as a smile. "I won't bug you again."

"Oh, I'm sure you find something else," I can't help but laugh, "If I don't beat you to it!"

... ...

As I make my way back to Madi's room, I'm strangely aware of the wide grin on my face. Things are finally looking up. Madi is out of the woods. We might have found a cure for what seems to be the biggest threat on this new planet. And Raven and I finally buried the hatched - sort of. I still feel the need to be careful when it comes to being optimistic, but it really does feel like we're a few steps closer to home.

Still grinning I open the door, only to freeze in my motion as soon as my eye catches her on the other side. For a second I think it's Madi, her long hair partly braided like before, covering her shoulders that are now clad in a dark, rough and rather long coat. But although Madi has grown a lot, she's still a few inches shorter than this dead ringer. And if this isn't Madi, I can only think of one other girl who wears this look.

Right then, Lexa turns around and meets my gaze. She flashes me a smile, but I'm unable to offer her one in return. Too overwhelmed by this sight, all I can do is blankly stare at her. It's not just the fact that she's completely dressed in Grounder clothes... her face, with the Heda symbol between her brows, is actually covered in war paint.

"W-What's going on?" I manage to ask at last.

She takes a step closer. "It's time, Clarke."

I blink to check if I'm seeing what I think I'm seeing, then shake my head, not understanding any of this.

"Time for what?"

"To take responsibility," she answers with a light shrug. "Starting with taking that same responsibility away from Madi. It's a burden she should not have to carry."

Turning around I quickly close the door behind me before I face her again. "She shouldn't," I agree, "but does that mean you have to?"

"Yes. If that's how I can protect her, it does."

I narrow my eyes. "Is this about Aden? About his accusations, and your guilt towards those kids?"

"No, this is about Madi," she says, waving her hands. Her voice sounds calm, but her gestures tell me otherwise. "Although I don't see a problem with the fact that Aden opened my eyes. He wasn't wrong."

I draw in a long, deep breath. "I know he wasn't," I exhale, stepping forward. I take her hand in mine. "And I know what his words meant to you. And what Madi already means to you. But—"

"But what?"

"But you said you would never go back," I go on. "That you hated that life, and almost everything that came with it."

She pulls her hand out of mine and starts playing with the buttons of my shirt instead, giving herself a reason to avoid my gaze. "I still do," she quietly admits, "But I hate seeing what this is doing to Madi even more. It's just not right. And if this is what it takes to get her out without any harm..."

"No! Hey, look at me, this can't be the only way—"

"But it is!" she blurts out, her eyes finding mine again as I asked for. "I'm not saying I like it, but I have to agree with Madi. There are a whole lot of people down there relying on her - or at least on the way of leadership that they are used to. The fact that I lost my belief in the Flame, doesn't mean they have to. And we can't just take that away from them."

I shake my head again, not able to agree with her. Not yet. "They spent years without a Commander. All that time in the bunker, they accepted Octavia as their leader, and even when they got out, they followed her command."

"I know, you told me," she nods, "But you also told me what happened as soon as they found out about Madi. They bent the knee for her. All of them, even Octavia herself. Because she understood."

I can't fight her on that.

"Okay, so they need a new Commander. Fine. But why does it have to be you?!"

"Because Grounder law states there can't be a new Commander before the death of the current one. And I think we both agree that we're not going to wait for that, or ask for it to happen with a vote of no confidence."

Heaving another sigh, I fight the urge to throw my hands in the air. "Of course not. But that doesn't answer my question about you."

She shrugs in an almost nonchalant way, clearly feeling in control again. "The law speaks about when and how to become the new Commander, but as far as I know there's no law regarding the return of an old one."

I blink a few times, letting her words sink in.

"So... you would just... be back?"

"I would just be back," she slowly nods again, "With no repercussions towards Madi. Just an honorable Thank You for taking over during my absence."

Slowly I start to feel how her new-found calmness begins to reflect on me. I exhale, relaxing my muscles, and take a seat on the edge of Madi's bed. "And this is how you're going to convince them?" I ask her, gesturing at her outfit and painted face.

"Pretty much, yes," she smirks, quickly adding in a more serious tone, "You don't need to worry though, I'm not taking the Flame."

In all honesty, that's something I hadn't even thought about yet, but I can't deny that I feel relieved hearing this. It raises another worry though. I sigh.

"They will never accept you without it."

"I know," she agrees, "That's why we won't tell them. Not at first, at least." She sits down besides me. "Madi is ready to let go of it. Which is a good start. Now it's up to us what to do with it. We can either destroy it, or hand it to Titus as soon as we can trust him with the secret that I'm not actually carrying it."

"Titus is dead," I tell her, once again realizing there's so much she doesn't know yet.

Her eyes widen, just for a short second, before swiftly readjusting like I didn't just inform her about the faith of her killer.

"See," she cries out, "and that's why I need you with me!" She turns towards me, taking my upper arms in her strong hands. "I feel okay about this, knowing it won't be forever. I will find a way to make some changes and get out alive this time. But I'll need you by my side."

I cup her jaw, my fingers softly grazing her cheek. "I'll always be by your side. But it hurts me when you're unhappy. Which you will be. For one thing, because you're choosing to be Lexa. All of Lexa." I lift her gaze to mine, before softly asking, "What about Alicia?"

Her smile returns, the one that's just so full of love. The one that never fails to make my heart swell. Without a word, she leans in to brush her lips against mine. I shiver at her touch. Seeing her like this after all this years already brought me back in time, but this kiss—this gentle, almost cautious exploring of my lips—actually brings those memories back to life. The memories of stolen glances, and of weak excuses to be around each other. And most of all, of our very first kiss.

How was I ever able to break away from a moment like this?

I answer her kiss without deepening it, enjoying the softness of her lips too much, a softness that leave tingles on mine. I honestly believe I could kiss her all day, every day... if we didn't had jobs like saving the world all the time.

Lexa is the first to pull back, that same warm smile still glued to her face.

"For this to work, Alicia needs to hide a little," she quietly answers me at last, "But I am bringing her with me." She taps the side of her head, "In here."

I take her hand again, this time to press it against my chest, my heart beating right underneath it. "And in here," I wink.

With the slightest nod, the one I know so well, she mouths a soundless "Thank you". Then suddenly, before I can say anything in return, she drops herself backwards onto the mattress, pulling me with her in her fall.

Facing the ceiling like this, she continues, "I'm not forgetting who I am. Neither side of me. In fact, I think Alicia might be the one who's going to get us through this. Like you said before, she's seen this all before. Plus she'll keep us going, by showing the way." She turns her head to look at me, and I do the same. "That life that I was searching for, when we met again... I still want that."

Drowning into her eyes, it takes me a second to find my voice again. "Me too," I whisper. I move my hand to find hers, but instead I take hold of some spikes on her coat, making my lips twist again. "So where the hell did you get the clothes?" I grin.

"Madi took me shopping at the local Gap store... Cryo Chamber E, I think it's called," she chuckles. "Let's say one of the Grounder girls might be a little surprised when she wakes up wearing my sneakers and bomber jacket."

We both laugh out loud, which feels almost as good as kissing her. If only this world allowed us to laugh more often. No! Correction! We should laugh more often! Period.

"Speaking of, where is Madi?" I question when I catch my breath again.

"She went looking for the one thing still missing," she answers, like that tells me anything. "... my swords."

The mentioning of her weapons, and the knowledge why she might need them, brings me back to reality. I try not to show it, but of course that one second of worry crossing my face is enough for her to read me. No longer laughing, her expression closes up.

"I-I want you to be honest, Clarke," she stammers, "Are you mad at me for doing this?"

While dropping the question, she moves further up on the bed, away from me, as if to create some distance between us. I've seen her do this before, it's her way of protecting herself. There's no need, though.

"What?! No! No, I'm not!" I call out, not accepting that distance and thus following her. I hover over her as soon as I reach her and lock our eyes, relieved that she doesn't avert hers. "I'm a bit scared, maybe. But mad? No! If anything, I'm proud." Lowering myself, I rest my head on her chest. "And, although I'm not sure if possible, I think I love you even more."

She doesn't say anything else, and neither do I. Instead, she wraps her arms around me and I make sure to nestle myself into them.

After one hundred and thirty-one years (and a couple of months) (but who's counting?) I find myself back in the safe embrace of the Commander.

... ...