DAY 53: LEXA | ALICIA

"What is it then?" Clarke asks somewhat bewildered. "What makes you like this place so much? Or—" She stops mid-sentence and narrows her eyes. "Or should I ask who makes you like this place this much?"

I feel like she's looking right through me, or trying to at least, and I force myself to keep my eyes on hers. "What do you mean?" I ask, knowing all too well what she means.

"I mean you've spent a lot of time with a whole bunch of new people these past few weeks. And with one girl in particular." She deeply inhales. The rest of her words come out in one long breath. "What's going on between you and Rosita?"

I swallow. I don't want to lie to her. I mean, it's bad enough that there is something I could lie about, but since I can't change that, I really don't want to be dishonest about it. She deserves so much more than that.

"She kissed me."

My voice is hardly louder than a sigh, but I can tell my words hit her like a hammer. She freezes, just for a slight second, then pulls herself together, knowing we're not done.

"A-And?" she stammers.

"And I let it happen." I gasp, feeling as if there's suddenly not enough air for me to breathe.

"You mean you kissed her back?" Her eyes are blazing now.

I nod. There's no way back. "Just for five seconds. Maybe te—"

"What else? You fucked her?!"

"What? No! I just answered that stupid kiss, then pulled away as soon as I realized what I was doing!" I cry out. I know I'm raising my voice, but it's not to fight her. I just really need her to hear me.

Finally breaking our gaze, she starts pacing around, which isn't easy considering her situation. She's too distracted, too furious, to be bothered by it though.

"And how am I supposed to believe that? Wouldn't be the first time you screwed me over. Hell, you're about to betray your own people—"

"Clarke, stop!"

She does, literally, by standing still and looking straight at me again. The pain in her eyes is unbearable.

"Oh, you need me to stop? Like you needed to stop, when you were—"

"I did! I did stop! I lost myself in the moment for like five seconds. That's it. That's really all it. I don't even wanna be with her. Not then, not now... not ever."

I step closer to her, almost cautiously. To my relief she doesn't jerk away. Or well, not completely. "I only want to be with you," I go on. I know everything I say sounds like a cliche, but I mean every word of it.

"Then why did you do it?" she huffs, a little less loud now, but with her chest still rising and falling from heavy breaths.

I shake my head. "I don't know. I honestly don't. I just... I felt like such a mess. After the whole resurrection thing, and the truth about Madi, and my parents. I lost myself, and at the same time I started to question if I minded that I did. If I actually wanted to find myself back again. It's just... it's all so complicated, Clarke, and so demanding. It's just..."

My voice trails off, but she knows there's more, and she doesn't help me out by filling the silence. Not this time.

I lean against the back of the couch, my hands folded in my lap. Staring at my fingers, I try to find the explanation for something I hardly understand myself.

"I think... I think I just liked being no one for a bit. Instead of being... everyone. Does that make any sense?"

She sighs. "Call me crazy, but it does."

I want to speak up, apologize and most of all thank her for her understanding, but she's not done.

"Lexa, there has never been one moment I didn't understand what you were going through. As far as that's possible, that is. But has there ever been one moment, one second even, that you thought about me? How all of this is for me? You've been distancing yourself from me for weeks. How do you think it feels to find out that someone else can offer you what I clearly can't?"

"No!" I exclaim, abruptly looking up at her. "No one can give me what you give me! Not her, not anyone. This isn't even about her. I just needed to hold on to, I don't know, that feeling... That feeling of being no one. Of being..."

"... free?"

"Yes, free! That was the part that made me feel better. Just that. Plus we'd been drinking—though I will not use that as an excuse!—and she just... happened to be there."

Clarke hops towards me, turns around and leans into the spot next to me - her gaze now following mine.

"That's a lot of just."

"I know."

"Things like this should never be covered by just."

"I know."

She turns her head to look at me. "You also know I kinda hate you right now?"

I've been fighting it, but this is the moment I break. A tear rolls down my cheek, and I suddenly feel too exhausted to wipe it away. "Not as much as I hate myself," I murmur, "Believe me!"

"I do."

I look up in surprise. Clarke already goes on.

"You're hard on yourself. You've always been. And everything tells me you took that part with you, in this life I mean. If anyone asks me to describe Alicia, that's most likely what I would tell first. And I hate it, I hate that part of you. I hate watching how you can hurt yourself so bad. But this time, I'm not gonna comfort you, or tell you wrong. Tonight I won't be the only one in pain."

I hold my breath as I quietly squeak, "How about tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow is a new day," she answers, before heaving another deep sigh. "We'll have to find out, together with some other stuff. Like where we're gonna go, and when."

As soon as she brings this up once more I realize I don't care about staying or going anymore. I'm just glad she's talking about we. Yet I don't get the chance to tell her this, or—again—how sorry I am. There's knocking on the door, making her jump up - as far as she's able to with her leg.

"I swear to God, if that's her..."

"It's not," I say, peeking around the half-closed curtain and through the dim shimmer of night fall. "Looks like two guys."

I also want to tell her how Rosita apologized straight away, sounding sincere and even a bit ashamed as far as I could tell, and how she knows very well about Clarke. But this doesn't feel like the right moment for that.

Especially when we see who knocked on our door and are now letting themselves in. It's none other than Strand, together with Jesus!

"What the—" I shout, quickly wiping my tears and speeding towards my friend to wrap my arms around him. "Strand! What are you doing here?!"

"Hey girl," he grins, "Wow, it's good to see you again!"

I release him from our hug, but keep holding on to him, so happy to be this close to him again. "It is!" I cheer, "I just don't get it." Then, suddenly a little worried, "Is everyone alright?"

"Everyone is fine," he smiles, "but you do have to come with me."

Before I ask any further, I look over my shoulder, where my eyes immediately find Clarke's. She looks as astonished as I feel. I turn to Strand again.

"Why?" I ask him at last, knowing that whatever reason he has, I have to turn him down. We're already struggling with two choices, there's really no room for a third one.

I'm wrong though. Very, very wrong.

"Alicia," Strand slowly answers, "I have some serious reason to believe Madison is still alive."

- - END OF PART ONE - -