DAY 58-59: MADI

We're back on the road. The same road we walked five weeks ago, though this time we're heading in the other direction. We already passed the abyss Clarke fell into. And a dilapidated playground I recognized from before, the one we'd used for a short break to rest our legs.

We also crossed way with a bunch of Walkers again, more than once actually, but so far there haven't been any real herds today.

By now I've learned that when it's just a few of them, Walkers don't scare me anymore. They can be quite an inconvenience, but as long as you're armed they're hardly ever a real threat, especially when you outnumber them. Yet I'm also very aware never to underestimate them, or the situation itself. Especially when there are no walls to offer protection you can never lose your attention, never let your guard down.

You always have to be ready.

And yes, in a way it's as tiring as it sounds, but I'm also starting to get used to it. Accept it, even. The fact that them being around is apparently a given that comes with living here. It's not great, but it's still a whole lot better than having to live underground because of radiation, or having to fight till death over the last square miles of habitable land.

After another sharp curve in the road we come across the rusty, flat-tired vehicle we had to leave behind the last time we were here. It looks even more sad to me than before. A little further on there is another stranded car. We can tell from a distance it's of no use. It's completely dented, not to mention missing a wheel. Nevertheless I want to explore it, see if I can find anything useful in it.

About a week ago, Michonne took Judith and me out on a supply run, as she thought it was time to teach us the the do's and don'ts that come with scavenging. She told us what to take, but just as well what to leave - for the next ones to collect, but most of all to avoid the extra weight, as weight always slows you down. She showed us how to clear a place, room by room, and where there's still a chance to find the essentials - food, water, medicines, weapons - even after ten years of people passing by before us and checking those exact same spots. Cupboards and shelves are empty by now, but every building comes with a hiding place, she explained to us. Find the hiding place, find the gold.

That afternoon we searched six houses. I found a little jar of aspirines, some batteries, a pocket knife and a bag full of coins that are completely useless these days, so I learned, but somehow looked like a real treasure to me, so I secretly took three of them anyway. It was a lot of work to find just a handful of stuff, but I loved every minute of it. I loved it more than sitting in class to learn about math, and I definitely loved it more than having to command an army and make people fight against each other. Neither of those things ever felt like my purpose, despite people thinking otherwise, but this, I felt... this I could keep doing forever.

Which is why I ignore Clarke and the others as soon as we reach the abandoned car and climb into it anyway - through the back all the way to the glove compartment. I don't expect to find a gun in there, I'm not that naiev to think anyone would leave their weapon behind when forced to leave a car. But no one takes everything. The extra weight rule counts for everyone. Whoever was here before me only took the most essential to them. The question is: what did they leave?

After all, someone's trash is another one's treasure.

The moment I scramble out of the car, Clarke sighs with annoyance.

"Madi, you can't keep holding us up like this. We never get there before dark if you do."

"She's right, girl," Strand backs her up, "There's no need for any hoarding. We've got enough food with us for days. Right now it all comes to making miles."

"I know that," I nod, before tilting my head. "But where to?"

"Where to?" Clarke frowns. She takes a step closer, as if she feels a sudden need to examine me. Maybe even touch my forehead to check for a fever. "You know where to! We're going back to the camp, before trying to find our way to Cleveland."

"...and beyond!" Lexa swiftly adds from right behind her.

"Exactly, we're trying to," I repeat, before showing them the road map in my hands. "Don't you wanna avoid running in circles?"

I take Clarke's grumble as a yes.

And with that we continue our way. More asphalt to follow, more woods to cross.

Lexa shows up next to me. She hasn't snapped at me since that one night. Nonetheless I feel immediate tension creeping up into my neck. I don't want to feel this way. I want to trust her. But it's as if I can expect another blow of rejection at any time. And just like with the walking dead, I need to be ready for that.

A bite is a bite after all.

So I square myself, prepared for another outburst. Yet this time she doesn't raise her voice. She doesn't even berate me for checking out that car despite their clear objections.

"Hey kiddo," she just says.

I glance at her from the corner of my eye without slowing down my pace. She smiles at me, genuinely, but I don't smile back, or say anything in return. Instead I keep focusing on the road in front of me like she's not even there. I don't want to act like this. I just do.

"You're okay?" she asks, ignoring my poor attempt to ignore her.

I shove my hands in my pockets, murmuring, "Why wouldn't I be?"

My eyes are still on the horizon, but I can tell Lexa's are not. They're on me.

"Because you had to leave Alexandria? I know you liked it there."

"I did. It's a nice place, with nice people. Friends of my age. The first I ever had, in case you didn't know. So yeah, I would not have mind staying there, like maybe even forever," I confess, before finally looking up at her. Our eyes meet. "But I understand why we couldn't. Why you needed to go."

Her brows furrow in puzzlement as she tilts her head a little. "There's a difference between me needing to go and you having to come along, leaving it all behind."

"No, there isn't," I tell her wrong. "To you, I might not be your sister. But to me, you are. And that means I'll follow you. Everywhere if needed."

I avert my eyes again, until I feel the light touch of her hand on my shoulder. As I stare at her lean fingers holding on to me, at her thumb stroking my upper arm, I can feel my throat close up.

"Oh Madi," she sighs, "Ai strisis... Of course you're my sister. You are! I should have told you that from the start. I just..."

Her voice falters, making me move my gaze from her hand up to her face again. It's clouded with sadness and regret.

I sigh. I really want to stay upset a little longer. Make a fuss, just to make her feel what I'm feeling. But when I look at her like this I know she already does. There's no need to make things any harder. I don't even think I still can. I already feel my anger slip away, making room for something else.

"I know." I force my lips into some sort of smile. An olive branch. "You weren't ready."

"It wasn't about you," she reassures me.

I nod, before looking at the road again. "I know," I just say once more.

Lexa lets go of me. Too soon, I realize as soon as she does. She isn't done, though.

"It wasn't about you, but that's no excuse for my behavior. I hurt you, and I'm incredibly sorry for that," she goes on. "You are an amazing kid. You really are. I need you to hear that. I could not have wished for a better sister than you."

I narrow my eyes, shooting her another quick glance. "You're sure about that?"

"Of course I am! Why would you doubt that?"

"Because I'm part of a past you want to erase," I shrug. "Clarke told me. You made your choice. Didn't you?"

Lexa presses her lips together, then slowly nods. "I did," she admits, "But there's a little more to it. I'm still trying to figure it out, but I do know I won't leave it all behind. I can't, and I don't want to. Some parts are too important. Some people deserve to be memorialized. Costia, Lincoln,-"

"-our parents?"

I clench my jaw, almost literally biting off my tongue, but the words are already out.

She doesn't get mad though. Instead she surprises me by wrapping her arm around my shoulders and pulling me against her - almost making me trip over my own feet.

"Yes, them too," she affirms with simple directness. She can't hide the pain in her eyes, but her smile seems sincere. "They saved you, after all."

She pecks my temple, then loses her grip on me. Yet this time she doesn't pull away completely. With her arm still loosely around my shoulders we keep stepping forward - towards a future that will finally set her free.

"Lexa?"

"Hmm?"

"Do you think when all this is over, when we've found your mom-"

"If," she corrects me, but not preferring that option I choose not to hear her.

"When we've found her," I go on, "do you think we can come back here?"

"To Alexandria, you mean?"

She looks over her shoulder to the road behind us, as if Alexandria is still in sight there. When she turns her head again her eyes fix on the horizon ahead of us. Behind it lives a group of people she can never meet again. With the question still in the air, I realize I just asked her for the impossible. Coming back to this area really is the worst idea possible.

And if I know that, she definitely does.

"Yeah," she answers nevertheless, "Maybe, one day."

She shows me another smile and this time I answer it, without difficulty, and not at all bothered by the little white lie that's comfortably hanging between us. I know Alexandria won't be an option anymore. But I also know she wants me to be happy, and she will try anything to make that happen. In one way or another, she wants to chase that dream with me.

To find a place to settle down. A place we can call home. Where we can live together, as the family that we are.

... ...

The next day we find ourselves back in the tent. The one with the throne they built for me, but ended up being Lexa's. It's empty now, waiting patiently for her return.

I wonder if anyone will ever sit on it again.

Lexa and Strand stayed behind in the woods, at least two miles away from here, on the crossroad where we said goodbye to Jesus. So right now, it's just Clarke and me, facing Bellamy, Indra and Gaia who are lined up next to each other like this is some official visit. I guess us returning without Lexa was their first clue something is going on.

"Where is she?" Indra asks Clarke. Her voice is insistent, demanding almost. Now that we've retreated into the shelter of the tent she wants the answer Clarke didn't give her when they welcomed us at the edge of the camp, a few minutes ago. All Clarke's shared this far is that Raven stayed in Alexandria, passing the message that she asked for Shaw to join her there.

But now it's time for that real question.

Clarke inhales deeply, then answers wordlessly by lifting her hand and opening her fist into a flat palm, showing them what she's been holding within.

It's Lexa's headpiece. The Commander's emblem.

"Heda is gone," she tells them at last.

As soon as the words are out they all stare at us, their eyes wide and full of disbelief. It's Bellamy who speaks first.

"Gone? Gone how?! Did she leave?"

Clarke shakes her head. Slowly, like she almost has to force herself to do so.

"No."

It's the shortest answer possible, yet the only one that says it all. They don't need any more time to let the truth sink in.

With a defeated look on her face, Indra steps forward, reaching for Clarke's hand. She doesn't take the little wheel though. As their fingers touch she gently moves Clarke's back up until they are closed around the small piece again. As if she wants it to be protected. To keep it safe.

Or maybe because the sight of it is just too painful.

"Did she... did they get her?" she breathes. "Those... biters?"

Clarke answers her with a quiet nod.

"But she's protected, isn't she? With the nightblood vaccine?" Bellamy now asks. "She can't have turned."

Casting a quick glance at me, Clarke swallows, then focuses on our friends again. She doesn't have to act, doesn't need to pretend to be in pain. I know lying to them in this... this horrifying way is killing her. But she has no choice. She has to finish what she started.

She takes another long breath. "She didn't turn. It wasn't just one Walker, or one bite. Trying to protect us, she fell prey to a pack. Out of nowhere there were dozens of them. They pounced on her, all of them. Gave her no chance to escape. She yelled at us to run. Kept yelling, even when they were already..."

A shaky gasp rattles in her throat. Her eyes find Indra's again.

"By the time we could finally get back to her, there was... there was almost nothing left of her."

Wincing by the gruesome image, Bellamy gulps for air, while Gaia stumbles backwards in shock, her hand covering her open mouth. When her heel hits one of the stools behind her she drops herself down on it. Indra is the only one who doesn't move. At all.

"Except that," she mumbles, her eyes on Clarke's hand.

Before Clarke can answer her I turn around, showing Indra my back, or rather the weapon that's hanging on there.

"And her sword," I tell her, spinning back to face her again. "It's yours if you want to. I'm sure Lexa would want you to have it."

She shows me the weakest smile possible. Knowing how much it must take her, it both warms and hurts me.

"You keep it," she says.

"How about the Flame?" Gaia quietly speaks up.

I'm not surprised that this is her first question. After all, the Flame and everything that comes with it has been her life for years. But that doesn't mean I am not glad to notice how the news affects her. Not that I want to see anyone in pain, but come on, we're talking Lexa here. She deserves some grief.

"Gone," Clarke answers her. "We searched for it. Even in the stomachs of the few Walkers that were still there, the ones we did get to kill. But we were too late. One of the first ones must have swallowed it, before wandering off."

"So it's still around somewhere, she could still be-"

"No!" Clarke cuts her off rather brusquely. "It's gone. Destroyed. Either by teeth, or by gastric acid - and God knows what else those beasts carry with them." She walks up to her, kneels down and rests her hand on Gaia's arm - a tender gesture to soften her sharp voice. "I'm sorry. I really am. But the days of the Flame are over."

Bellamy's low sigh draws our attention back to him. He's scratching his head, looking a little bewildered. No... a little lost. I don't think I've ever seen him like that before.

"What are we gonna do now?" he questions out loud.

Clarke raises a shoulder and shakes her head again. "That's really up to you."

He frowns. "To us, you mean?" He gestures a circle with his hand.

Stepping backwards Clarke takes a stand right next to me, dividing our group in two again. "No, to you," she tells him. There's a hint of regret in her voice, but overall she sounds unwavering. Whatever they'll try to convince her with, it won't be enough; she made up her mind. "You, Indra and Diyoza, if you wanna keep leading this people. With a free choice for everyone else to either stay or go, as Lexa told you before."

"Which is what you're doing? You two are going?"

Once again Clarke just nods at him.

He opens his mouth to protest, maybe even yell at her, but before any sound comes out he suddenly exhales and hangs his head.

"Why?" he sighs beneath his breath.

"You know why."

His gaze moves up again, but he doesn't respond.

"I lost my everything, Bell," she quietly tells him, before taking my hand in hers and softly squeezing it. "One half of my everything. I'm... I'm not me anymore, and I never will be. That's something I'll have to live with. I don't know how yet, but you know me. You know I'll try. But all this," she waves her hand around, "and all of you, will keep reminding me. Of her. Of what could have been. It will keep me trapped."

After another squeeze, she lets go of me and steps closer to her friend. As she lays her hand on his shoulder she looks up to meet his eyes. I can't see hers from where I'm standing, but I know they're filled with sorrow. Even though they haven't always been on the same side, there's so much history between them - you don't just step away from that.

"I'm sorry," she says in a voice soft with affection, "Even if I wanted to, I can't stay."

This time, in lieu of trying to change her mind, he just nods in silence.

"There's one more thing," Clarke continues, looking at all three of them again. "My mother. Is she still up there, with Marcus?"

Indra gives her a nod. "She is."

"Is she okay?"

It's a simple question, but for some reason they all linger in answering it. After they share a brief look, it's Gaia who breaks their quietness. Wringing her hands, she clears her throat before speaking up.

"We have no reason to believe she's not, but we've lost radio contact. We haven't been able to reach them since yesterday. Shaw and Jordan are trying to fix it."

"There's no need to worry," Bellamy quickly adds.

"I'm not worried," Clarke states, while abruptly crossing the tent and disappearing behind the curtain to collect the few items she'd left there last month. And - knowing Clarke - probably also to distract and re-balance herself out of sight. "I just..."

She doesn't finish, but she doesn't have to. She just lost the one chance to say goodbye to her mom. Who wouldn't need at least a minute to process that?

When she returns she's carrying two bags. I speed towards her to meet her halfway and take one of them. It's not heavy, but right now I can't think of any other way to show her that she's not alone in this.

"Clarke," Bellamy breaks our collective silence, but she's already ahead of him.

"When my mom decides to come down here, please tell her to find Raven. None of them will ever admit it, but those two need each other like the sea needs the moon. Tell her not to worry about me, as I promise to be okay out there." She straps the bag over her shoulder, her eyes averted from any of us. "And tell her I love her - always."

Before anyone can say anything in return she steps close to Bellamy again and embraces him tight and wholeheartedly. I follow her example and wrap my arms around Gaia, and then Indra.

We all say our goodbyes. We thank each other. And we tell each other to stay safe.

But for the first time since I can remember, we don't tell each other we may meet again.

... ...