DAY 80: CLARKE

Taken aback by Madison's unexpected question, I look at Lexa. What exactly did she tell her?

"She knows we're together," she comes to my aid. And then, to her mother, "You're gonna have to wait for the rest of it. Right now I'd rather fresh up before dinner."

She gets up before her mother can object.

"Where's your bathroom?"

"We don't have any," Madison answers matter-of-factly, "but the lake will do."

I can't see Lexa's face, but it's not hard to guess what its saying.

As she turns to make her way out, I apologetically shrug at Madison, since I still haven't said anything. She nods in reply, as if to say: "You'd better go follow her."

It's dark outside, but the nearly full moon offers enough light to find our way and to illuminate her face when she looks at me over her shoulder. The rain, that turned into a light drizzle by now, doesn't seem to bother her. But something else does.

"Can you believe this place?" she grumbles. "It's worse than a hovel!"

"Well, I don't know about that," I answer while trying to catch up with her. When I finally do, I wrap my arms around her from behind, slowing her down a little - and then completely. Holding her close against me like this, I bury my face in her hair. "It's clearly not the greatest. But it's warm. And safe." I kiss her shoulder. "And she seems to be doing well."

Feeling her body somewhat relax against mine, I loosen my grip on her, enough for her to turn around in my arms.

"This isn't a home," she sighs. "It shouldn't have to be."

"No," I agree, "But who's to say it ends here? We've made it this far. We might as well go a little further."

She narrows her eyes. "You think she'd go with us?"

"I think there's no stopping her," I softly smile at her. Whatever doubt she's feeling, I'm not sharing it. "Baby, she's your mom. She's not going anywhere."

Lexa doesn't mirror my smile. Instead she sighs again, then moves closer, resting her head against the crook of my neck. She must be exhausted after today.

"Your mom stayed behind," she murmurs.

Lifting my hand to the back of her head, I tangle my fingers into her hair and press a kiss against her forehead. My lips lightly brush her skin when I answer her.

"My mom stayed up there with the man she loves. Yet if I'd asked her to, she would have come with me. She would have chosen me, over anything or anyone. That's what loving mothers do. Now I don't know Madison, but I know what I see. She loves you over everything." I step back, making her look at me again. "She's not gonna leave you."

For a moment she just stares into my eyes. Then she slowly nods.

"I don't know why I'm this insecure all the time. So much for the stone cold Commander, huh?"

She's about to avert her eyes towards the ground, but I stop her by cupping her jaw, gently forcing her to keep them on mine.

"I'll never deny that the Commander part of you wasn't hot as hell, but I didn't fall in love with that you. I fell in love with the human you. And I still do, every day."

I can tell she hears me, believes me even, yet she stays quiet nonetheless.

"You have to stop being this hard on yourself," I go on, "You've been through so much. Twice! You have every reason to be a little distrustful." My mind flashes to her parents, who gave her up to become a Commander - albeit under pressure. The first of many times in her life the world abandoned, betrayed or wronged her.

"I trust you," she whispers.

"Then trust me on this."

She nods again, her cheek still soft and warm against the palm of my hand.

I lean in until my forehead finds hers. "And just so you know, I still think you're incredibly forceful. And incredibly hot."

A chuckle escapes her. "Wanna proof that?"

"Like you wouldn't believe!" I laugh, "But I'm not sure that's the best idea with my brand new mother-in-law just around the corner."

She laughs along, wholeheartedly, and when she does I feel a wave of pure happiness ripple through my body.

Without another word, I take her hand and lead her to the shore. Kneeling down, I test the water. "Freezing cold," I mumble, before looking up at her, right when she pulls her shirt over her head. Even in the limited light of the moon I can see how her body reacts to the cold air - and I'm not talking goosebumps.

"Oh god," I groan before I can stop myself.

I want to stand up. Pull her close. Kiss her and touch her anywhere I can. But all I can do is stare, my mouth open like a true idiot.

She giggles again. "Something tells me I'd better not ask for any assistance."

Crouching next to me, she reaches out for the water, scoops in and splashes it into her face.

"Fuck," she gasps, making me laugh and bringing me back to earth.

"I told you to trust me!"

The push against my shoulder almost makes me tumble into the water.

As she washes her face, arms and upper body—her jaw tightened as she braces the cold—I start to follow her example by taking off my jacket and henley. Eyes forward, I tell myself, but of course I can't help but peek at her every now and then. There's a large smudge of something indefinable at the back of her neck I know she's not aware of, and when she catches me gazing at it she snickers, amused and almost provocative. As if to say: do it, touch me, I know you want to...

In response I splash a handful of water at her, making her squeal, before taking her revenge at me. Frolicking on the edge of the lake like this, I know it's only a matter of seconds before one of us falls in. But miraculously, that doesn't happen.

"You think you got me there?" she grins. "I always preferred showers over baths."

I raise my brows. "You're sure about that? I remember a certain tub you seemed to love, a few weeks back—"

"Oh, that wasn't about the tub," she cuts me off, "That was all about the company."

"Yeah?" Smirking from ear to ear, I shuffle closer. "Mind to share some details?"

Lexa leans in, then stops herself - her lips only this far away from mine. I sense the warmth of her breath when she answers, "I thought I was the one teasing you?"

"Believe me, you are," I breathe, already locking our lips. When my tongue strokes hers there's a whimper that could have come from either of us. I savor her taste, well aware that it can't be anything more than this right now, then force myself to break apart.

"Soon?" I pant.

She nods, a little out of breath, just like me. "Soon."

I look at the water, then back at her. "Think we need to jump in?" I ask, the corner of my lip quirking up again. "To cool off a bit?"

"I'm afraid that won't do," Lexa returns my smile, "But I won't stop you from trying."

She stands up, and when I do the same, she shows me both sides of her face. "Clean?"

I nod. "Clean enough." Truth is, that one smudge is still there. I just don't trust myself that near to her anymore.

We use the towel Lexa grabbed on her way out to dry ourselves, then realize we left our clean clothes inside. While we put on our everything-but-crisp shirts again, I glance at her.

"So you told her? About us?"

Her smile grows bigger. "I did. I didn't intend to, I just... really wanted to. Suddenly. Isn't that weird?"

"Maybe," I shrug, "It sounds kinda beautiful though. The fact that you felt safe enough to share, to let her in."

"It was," she nods, biting her lip as she looks pensive for a second. "It wasn't just about her though, or about me. It was at least as much about you."

"I told you, you didn't have to."

"I know. But I wanted to. And I'm really glad I did."

I show her a smile, then tilt my head. "How about the rest of it? Our past? Your connection with Madi?"

She shakes her head. "I don't know. I really don't. I... I'm not sure if I can."

"You told Strand," I remind her.

"That was different." She sighs, and I can tell she's still trying to figure it out. Which makes sense, considering it all. "Telling Strand, involving him in my past, it didn't change who or what we are to each other. But with Mom, the fact alone that she's not the only one who gave birth to me... That we don't even share the same genes..."

"You're still scared to deny her?"

"Yes," she admits, "But if I can't be honest with her, I'm denying Madi, and I don't want that either."

I nod in understanding. Taking a step closer, I take the towel from her and finally wipe off that last spot. "You don't have to pressure yourself. Take as long as you need to decide. Till then you're just Alicia, who we met somewhere along the way," I quietly say. "Madi will understand. And play along."

Lexa doesn't get the chance to respond, as right then we're called inside for dinner. But as we're making our way back to the others, I get the feeling she managed to leave her dilemma outside. At least for now.

There is little talk during dinner. Everyone is tired of the long day and the many emotions. So there's just some chatter, and it almost goes without words that we're all ready for bed as soon as our plates are empty.

There's one cabin for Lexa, Madi and me. I'm not sure if Madison expected to be our third roommate, but she seems to understand without actually having to say so that Madi and I don't split up. Which makes her and Jaime take the second cabin, and Strand getting the couch.

Once in our shoebox room Madi claims the upper bunk bed, much to our relieve, leaving the bottom one for us. The bed is narrow and even without laying down I can tell the mattress is worthless. It's got this hollow in the center that's going to make us stuck together all night long for sure - which, admittedly, I don't hate.

While Lexa is helping Madi making her bed, I attempt to make ours. It's quite the challenge, as the sheets hardly fit and keep moving everywhere, depending on which corner I tug. Caught up in a task that shouldn't be this hard, I don't notice Madison coming in. Startled by the sudden sound of her voice speaking up from behind me, I shoot up straight - too fast to remember there's another bed right above me.

"Ouch!" I exclaim as I hit the rail.

"I'm sorry, I just wanted to bring you some extra blankets," Madison apologizes. When I turn towards her, she steps closer, most likely to see if I'm okay, till she suddenly stops in her tracks. Her eyes are on my forehead.

"What's— What's that?"

I carefully touch the spot I just hurt, expecting the start of a bruise or maybe a bump, but when I feel wetness I realize I cut myself.

"Don't worry," I tell her, "I'm sure one band-aid will do."

Madison doesn't look very reassured though. She keeps staring at me like she's watching water burn.

Lexa jumps off the upper bunk, landing right next to me. "Mom, what's wrong?" she asks, sounding as puzzled as I feel.

Pointing at the cut on my head, Madison searches for words. "Why... Why is it...?"

That's when I look down, at the blood that sticks to my fingers.

It's black.

... ...