Chapter Forty Four

Content warning: some of the content of this chapter may be triggering to some readers. Please be advised.

Discussions/mentions of suicidal ideation

I watched the December landscape blur past as Edward drove toward his home. He had told me to wait in his car and then taken my keys from me. Once he returned he told me he had put them in Alice's locker and she would drive my car to the house after school. Now the music played softly against the hum of the souped up engine while I kept staring out the window. My bag sat on the floor in front of me and the vents blasted warm air that stirred Edward's scent through the cabin of the car. "What's going on with you?" Edward finally broke the silence that hung between us.

"What do you mean?" I turned my gaze from the winter wonderland to him.

"Arabella you're being reckless, you're not being yourself." He sighed and made another turn. "I'm worried."

"I don't really know who 'myself' is anymore." I mumbled with a shrug. "I can't protect my friends how I want to. I can't protect my girlfriend. Who am I if I'm not those things?"

"You're worth more than what you have to offer to others." His words seemed sad, like what I had said was what he had feared.

"Then what am I, if not a line of protection." I laid my head back against the headrest and stared at the dash. "Even Rose wants me to be that."

His grip on the steering wheel tightened. "I should never have told you that." He growled. "She has no right to ask that of you, you don't owe any of us anything."

"That sounds grand but let's think in terms of reality." I grumbled, earning a look of anguish from the driver's seat as he pulled onto his driveway.

"My god Arabella, you're so stubborn." Edward parked the car in the garage and got out, making his way to my door and opening it up.

"Am I stubborn or are you?" I raised my brow in a challenge as I stepped out of the car.

"How about we call it even and say we are both annoyingly stubborn." Edward flashed a devilish grin.

"Okay." I huffed and grabbed my bag before Edward shut the door. We walked through the door that connected the garage to the house, up the narrow stairs that had always made it feel more like a basement than a functional addition, and out into the hallway of the main floor. I had always felt strange when brought in this way, like I was sneaking in, though I knew sneaking was impossible with the bat like hearing of the Cullen clan.

"Arabella!?" Esme's voice carried from upstairs as her golden red hair flashed around the corner, revealing her smiling face and topaz eyes. "What brings you here darling!" She excitedly walked down the steps and pulled me into a motherly hug. Unlike Rose, who stood much taller than me, Esme had just half a head on me. She was truly the inbetween height when compared to the women of their close-knit family.

"Just your regular Edward kidnapping." I teased as I pulled away from the hug.

"Edward!" Esme chastised as she pulled out of the hug and shot her eyes toward the boy.

"Oh don't let her fool you Esme, she was about to barrel into the woods dressed like that with a destination but no idea of how to get there." He shot an accusatory glance back at me that made me sink into myself slightly.

"Oh Ara, you'll catch your death out there!" Esme turned her attention back to me, her gaze now sympathetic rather than chastising.

"Ah, carpe diem right?" I waved my hand dismissively and earned a stifled laugh from Edward.

"Sure, let's go with that." Edward shook his head and began walking up the stairs.

"Well Ara, if you need anything just ask, you know how it goes around here." Esme smiled and pulled me into one more hug. Once I was released from her grip I followed Edward upstairs where we would sprawl out on the floor of his bedroom like we once did a year ago. As I passed through the door I threw my bag onto the floor, in a few steps I crashed down next to it. We were both silent as I pulled my laptop free from the bag, acquiring my notebook that had been stuffed with random worksheets and syllabi.

"Ara…" Edward finally broke the silence from his lounged position on the floor. "What is going on?"

"Please. We already had this discussion." I mumbled as I thumbed through the pages and powered up my laptop. I really don't want to talk about it while superhearing is present. I thought, flashing my eyes up to him as I settled a pen into my hand.

"Noted." Edward nodded and pulled out a weathered paperback. To Kill a Mockingbird was scrawled on the front and my heart stopped for a moment.

"Is that the English book this semester or is that your pleasure read?" I panicked slightly as I eyed the copy of Wuthering Heights that poked out of my bag.

"Wuthering Heights isn't my favorite." Edward grumbled, turning the page then glancing up. "I have no intention of rereading it for a highschool class."

"Touche." I raised my pen in agreement. Over the next hour we cracked down on studying. At some point I had shoved my Laptop to Edward for him to proofread my essay. While he skimmed and made notes I began thumbing through Wuthering Heights, my eyelids dragging down as the words on the page pulled on my brain with their oldness. It wasn't until my head slipped off the heel of my palm that I realized I was actually falling asleep. Edward stifled a laugh as he watched me sit myself up from the laying position I had squirmed my way into. "Shut up." I mumbled, stretching my arms in a way that cracked my shoulders and elbows. Feeling incomplete I compulsively cracked my wrists and all my fingers before sighing and looking at my laptop. Edward seemed to have set it down a while ago as the screen was now black with sleep mode. "Wait, what time is it?"

"About lunch." Edward gave a smile confirming my thoughts that I had just snoozed for about two hours. "I'm sure your opinion of Wuthering Heights is about the same as mine."

"Oh hush." I grumbled as I shoved the bookmark back into my book and flipped it shut. Sitting up, I stretched and yawned before looking around. "I don't know why I fell asleep like that." My wrist popped and cracked as I rolled and stretched it.

"You look like you haven't been sleeping." Edward spoke tentatively, but I kept my eyes pinned on the chipped black polish on my nails.

"I've been sleeping." My answer felt clipped even as it rolled out of my mouth, but I couldn't help it. I had been receiving the third degree from dad since Halloween. Gaia had decided to give me a little space, though I knew it was only because Sam asked her to. I could only assume he had told Gaia all about the moment he picked me up out of that ditch and every angry second since. The aftermath of Edward and the aftermath of Angela were two entirely different experiences for me. Edward had evoked screaming and destruction amidst the crying. Angela left me in a haze of restless anguish. I had definitely been getting my eight hours of sleep, but I could use about eight hours more just to feel normal again.

Normal never came though. I would sleep through the weekend, but at the end of every nap I just felt more tired. My appetite had slowly dwindled as my general reluctance to socialize grew with equal pace. I knew this meant bad news, but I couldn't find it in me to care.

Edward seemed displeased with my answer as well as whatever flavor my thoughts seemed to be holding. "I'm just worried about you Ara." He closed the book in his hand gently, his eyes soft as they stared at me.

"I'm not yours to worry about anymore." I mumbled, flipping my page of my book without really reading it. The silence after my words seemed to press down on me, nearly suffocating me in the weight. I felt my chest tighten and my head swim slightly as I fixed my eyes on the book. None of the words seemed real, letters just danced across the page in a mocking fashion as Heathcliff undoubtedly said something perceivably rude. I fought the feelings back angrily as I could feel Edward's gaze continue to bore into me.

I was chewing on my lip so hard I broke the skin and tasted the copper of blood spill into my mouth, my cheeks flushing as I recognized that Edward would notice immediately. The desire to look up to meet the eyes, that were definitely snapped to attention and burning holes in my scalp, was intense. Fearing the look that would meet me, I fought it back. Just the idea alone of the facial expression that I imagined to be filled with negativity was enough to choke me. I could practically feel the noose slipping around my neck and the pull of gravity on my body.

Maybe it would be better if I wasn't around anymore. I thought bitterly.

"Arabella!" Edward's voice was harsh, making me flinch. With a clatter, his book dropped to the floor and he was pulling me up to my knees and grabbing my chin to meet his eyes. "What the hell!" His cursing made me flinch harder, my lip still trapped between my teeth that would otherwise be grinding. I felt the tears welling up in my eyes as the thought continued to echo at an uncontrollable volume in my head. In my mind the various methods of my departure were playing like a movie, one I had dwelled on many times.

After a few seconds of staring at me in horror Edward just pulled me to his chest and wrapped his arms tightly around me. He acted almost like a shield, his hands smoothing my red locks that swam around my shoulders and stuck to my tear dampened cheeks. I squeezed my eyes shut, but that only allowed the images to be stronger, the sounds my mind had assigned to be louder, and the echoing of the singular thought to gain traction. My breath was ragged, and it took a moment for me to realize that Edward was rocking me back and forth and humming a gentle song.

Slowly, my fingers tangled in his shirt and I gave a horrible sob. "I can't do this anymore." I spoke with a broken breath.

Edward froze at that, his body seemed to turn to stone as he stayed protectively wrapped around me. Finally, his cool steady voice broke through the sound of my ragged breaths and broken sobs. "Give it one more go." He sounded almost heartbroken as he spoke the words like they were his only lifeline. "Give the world another chance to do right by you." His fingers slowly regained life as he stroked my hair once more. "I promise you the sun will shine again."

I gave a half strangled laugh as I buried my face in his shirt, the smell of a floral I knew by memory but not by name wrapped around me. "Are you trying to make an orphan Annie joke?"

"Wha- I-…ahh!" Edward choked out, shock making his arms drop momentarily as I lifted my tear blurred eyes to look at him. He sighed and set his forehead on the top of my head. "What am I going to do with you." His words were mumbled into my hair.

"I'm… not yours anymore Edward." The words bubbled out of me, and I snaked a hand up to my face to wipe it clean of the tears that still threatened. "Some part of my heart will always be yours, but the rest of it is still trapped in Angela's smile." I felt wistful and broken as I explained myself. "I can't even say that maybe one day I'll be okay, because I'm in the middle of it right now and it doesn't feel like it ends any time soon." The cracks in my heart hadn't felt whole since the clouds in Angela's eyes had descended. "Maybe I'll stop looking like a lost puppy, always pining after her in school, but right now…" I cleared my throat and pulled away from him entirely. "I'm consumed, and she is the consumer."

Hours later Alice bounded into the room with my keys. "Esme wants me to tell you that you can stay for dinner if you'd like, but that you don't have to." She gave a sweet smile and twisted on the balls of her feet as she exited the room. I had long since given up on reading Wuthering Heights, and now I sat with the newest Cassandra Clare book in my lap, grasping the keys as I watched her flit from the room.

"We may not be a couple anymore, but you will always be welcome in this house Ara." Edward smiled at me from across the room, his fingers still tracing the page of his book, though it was a new one now. He had finished To Kill A Mockingbird and moved on to read a book I herald as a classic myself. Gripped in his fingers was Percy Jackson and The Lightning Thief. I prided myself in the fact that I had slowly corrupted his uppity book taste with some novels of true valor. Whether he liked it or not I would be dragging him along for the ride to Narnia, through the Tardis, to the lonely mountain, to destroy the ring, surviving the Hunger Games, freeing the factions, and into the impala on our way to Baker's Street.

"Noted." I said as I returned my gaze to the book in my hands, a small smile stuck on my face and refusing to budge.

(A/N)

HI! I am super sorry this didnt come out two days ago, I promise it was done I just happen to be an ohioan (ew i know) and my town appears to have been caught up in this horrible storm. I lost power last night/early this morning and also unfortunately it appears whatever the writer equivalent to method acting is- I do. Im good. Just def spent an entire day in bed before I realized i was both a day late on updates and a day late on storm prep. Guess which one i didnt do. (It was the storm prep.) Anyway! I hope everyone is going to have a wonderful xmas (if you celebrate) and those of you wonderful people who celebrate Hanukkah happy 5th(?) or 6th(?) night. AND dont think i forgot my Kwanza celebraters. I think its Happy Kwanza but imma say Merry Kwanza just to be safe. I def meant to put this out on Yule but unfortunately I also forgot to celebrate Yule... and thats one I do infact celebrate. SO UH... Blessed and Belated Yule to all my Yule celebrating baddies out there.

Basically a big Happy Holidays to all my readers, sorry im a piece of shit. (/j i know im not actually a piece of shit but I dont see my therapist for another week so... imma say it.)

with love,

Ash