Who needs sane girls when thighs are an option? by ?
Chapter 5: I'm in Hell
Loving the reviews! I meant to get this update out earlier, but I got a little sidetracked by another concept, and I couldn't focus on this story until I wrote it up. Keep the feedback coming - reading your thoughts about the story is the highlight of my day!
Nana sighed as she watched the boy scream his lungs out.
Why did Toshinori have to pick such a crackpot to inherit the quirk?
Granted - the other One For All users weren't exactly textbook normal either. Sure, they had their justice boners and all, but they had personality defects that made them incorrigible.
Other than the 1st. The man was a literal saint. She assumed Izuku was the same until she discovered his strange, albeit hidden obsession with thighs.
The 2nd and 3rd were only tolerable because they were edgelords who only perked up when the 9th got into a tough battle.
Meanwhile, on the opposite side of the spectrum was that insufferable bastard Shinomori. His quirk gave him the ability to piss off anyone, only to simply dodge when they swung back at him to retaliate.
Fucking pussy. At the very least, she took solace in the fact that All For One wasted a good few decades playing hide and seek trying to hunt him down. If she didn't know any better, she'd assume his hair turned white out of pure frustration as opposed to it being his natural colour.
Then there was Daigoro.
Literally the worst man she'd had the misfortune of meeting. Even that quirk stealing scum was better than him.
The bald prick was without a doubt the biggest pervert to have ever lived, and his penchant for using his quirk to mimic crude gestures was grating on her nerves. He was a stain on the quirk she inherited, and if she didn't want to smear All For One's guts over his thieving face, she'd be thanking him for putting him 6 feet under.
Every day she had to deal with him bragging about his nickname 'Bondage Master Banjo.'
Why the hell would anyone want to be known by that?
She was thankful that she could at the very least float in the vestige realm - it kept her out of his reach in the instances he attempted to cop a feel.
Then there was En - the bastard who stuck her with the quirk. The guy wasn't all too bad to hang around with, given he was silent as a mouse, but she couldn't help but feel some residual resentment after inadvertently putting her family on All For One's shitlist.
Hell, the last and only words he said to her were 'Master this quirk' before coughing some blood into her mouth.
She supposed she could've received a lot worse from that transaction. Gaining a power boost was a lot more preferable to something like aids, which was her first concern upon getting a random hero's blood in her mouth.
She basically had to piece together the quirk's function through the memories of the vestiges from the one time she met them. If she wasn't a pro hero before receiving it, she was certain her limbs would be in tatters.
As demonstrated many times by the screaming boy in front of her.
Was she so bad of an influence that Toshinori couldn't instruct his own student on how to use the quirk? What kind of advice was 'clench your ass and smash'? She was going to thoroughly beat him senseless whenever he died and appeared inside One For All.
She should probably deal with Izuku first though.
Delivering a harsh jab to his stomach, she watched his breath catch in his lungs as he doubled over.
"There, I'm not a ghost, happy?"
What kind of hero is afraid of ghosts?
The whole point of spirits is that they're intangible, meaning they literally cannot do shit to you aside from making creepy noises. Though she supposed his fearlessness in every other aspect more than made up for the weakness.
She couldn't describe the riot among the vestiges when he beat Muscular's ass. Every wielder was on the edge of their seats, and half of them thought he'd be dead then and there.
Including her.
He won though, and after he thoroughly humiliated Overhaul, she was sure everyone stopped doubting him.
"H-huh? B-but y-y-you—" Izuku stammered from the ground, his face displaying his remaining weariness.
"Ghosts can't touch you, right? I'm not see-through in the slightest, and floating is my quirk."
God she hoped her reasoning would calm him down. While he was right in that they were definitely ghosts, she didn't need him freaking out and passing his quirk onto a spider to avoid the previous wielders.
Luckily, it seemed her bullshitting worked.
"Man, thank goodness!" He sighed in relief, hopping back on his feet like nothing ever happened. "You had me worried the quirk was haunted or some shit."
Oh it undoubtedly was.
"So, what actually are you, if you're not a ghost?"
Time for some more bullshit.
"You're aware that quirks can be sentient, right? Like that dark shadow boy in your class."
She received a thoughtful nod in return.
Hook.
"Well, the truth is, One For All not only stockpiles energy, but it also stockpiles the quirks of the previous wielders."
Just as she finished, she heard a gasp from the ninth user.
Line.
"I see! So this means that, on a fundamental basis, all quirks posses some level of sentience? For example, in your case, your wielder must've been born with the flight quirk, which would've gained a consciousness based around the wielder, which created you. For a quirk like Tokoyami's, Dark Shadow has an actual voice to speak its thoughts, whereas a regular person's non-sentient quirk isn't able to communicate, leading people to believe quirks have no sentience! Without being viewed as a sentient entity, you must've naturally fallen back on Nana Shimura's identity, given that you naturally experienced everything she went through. That also explains what happened with my fight against Shinso - I knew there was no way I saw actual ghosts helping me! One For All's stockpiled quirks must've been reaching out to me in the moment!"
...sinker?
Nana simply stood by as he rambled, trying to make sense of his mini lecture.
Did she somehow make him believe she was a quirk instead of actually being Nana Shimura's dead spirit?
If she didn't hear his relatively sound explanation behind it, she'd think he was an idiot.
Scratch that. He was still an idiot.
Regardless, she wasn't one to look a gift horse in the mouth.
If she had to pretend she was a quirk to make sure he didn't piss himself, she'd do just that.
"Yep! Absolutely right—"
"She's chatting shit."
Nana spun her head to the side, only to be faced with Shinomori.
This scarfaced imbecile was going to ruin everything!
Nana reached over to clamp his mouth, only for the man to dodge absentmindedly.
"We're not quirks." He spoke as he weaved between swipes. "My name's Hikage Shinomori, the fourth user of the quirk. Long story short, we're all alive inside the quirk, and you're going to be inheriting all of our powers."
For fucks sake.
All her hard work just went down the drain, and now the little shit was going to pass the quirk onto a spider—
No.
She could work with this.
"Scarface is right." Nana confirmed to the catatonic looking Izuku, ceasing her swipes. "When One For All users die, they become ghosts and live on inside the quirk."
The greenette's shocked state instantly morphed into panic.
Just according to Keikaku.
"Thankfully, there's a way to avoid this—"
She was interrupted by the boy grabbing her by the shoulders, rapidly shaking her.
"Tell me how! I'll do anything!" He pleaded manically. "Want someone dead? Want me to sell my body? Do you want my body for some weird sex slave shit? There's gotta be something I can do!"
This opened up some avenues.
Not the sex slave shit obviously, but she had the perfect opportunity to get a man killed.
Hell, at first she was going to say that as long as he didn't pass the quirk on, he wouldn't be a vestige. It'd ensure he didn't destroy this power on a whim.
But now?
"Only by killing All For One will us spirits be able to move on." She stated as sagely as possible. "This will naturally prevent you from becoming a ghost too. Understood?"
Nana dearly hoped this would work. If the boy pulled it off, she had no doubt the other vestiges would back away, since it'd be ensuring the death of their greatest foe.
Then again, there was always the chance he wouldn't want to do it. She was basically ordering him to commit murder, and somebody as noble as him might find it difficult to—
"Got it! He's as good as dead." Izuku spoke resolutely.
"I can't believe this fuckery worked." Shinomori muttered, retiring back to the other vestiges.
Ignoring his comment, Nana placed a hand on Izuku's shoulder.
"I'm counting on you. If you do well enough, I'll even briefly consider giving you a lap pillow as a reward." Nana winked, only to receive a disgusted snarl in response.
"Ew, fuck no. You're like 90 years old."
Oh that did it.
Reaching out to throttle him, she watched him disappear as he woke up.
With any luck, All For One would make the little shit suffer before he kicked the bucket.
When Izuku woke up (technically for the second time) he was met with the familiar muscle burn from intense training, coupled with a raging hangover.
Deciding to recall the events of the previous night, Izuku came to a few conclusions.
1: He was never going to drink again.
2: He was gonna have to ask Recovery Girl for a heal. There was no way he could function all day like this.
3: Mina's drinks were undoubtedly spiked with heavy hallucinogenics.
He was half tempted to punch her for the nightmare fuel he drank.
In his dream, some dead ghost lady with violently thick thighs claimed to be the 7th user of One For All, while another guy told him he'd be inheriting the quirks of a bunch of previous dead users.
He'd also have to slaughter All For One to avoid the fate of becoming a ghost.
Ha - yeah right.
He was currently sitting on 12% for Full Cowl, and couldn't go above bursts of 25% without injuring himself. There was no way in hell he'd have the time to spare to practice a bunch of other quirks, let alone defeat a 200 year old cryptid.
Be that as it may, the floating quirk would be nice. It'd stop Kacchan from bitching about how fun flying was.
But alas, all of that stuff was from some drug-induced illusion, meaning it thankfully wouldn't have any bearing on his life whatsoever.
Shaking off the dream, he opened his eyes to be met with the glaring sun shining through the window, resulting in his hangover being amplified tenfold before closing his eyes once more.
What kind of psycho left their curtains open?
Well, Momo did. Which was how Yui managed to catch a peak of them.
Holy shit he forgot Yui and Momo were here.
And he also remembered nothing past suggesting they share him.
He was surprised the bed didn't cave under the sheer weight of his balls after making such a proposition.
Shifting his head to the left, he avoided the rays of the sun and was instead faced with a sleeping Yui.
Huh - she looked slightly less Kuudere with her mouth open and droll pooling onto the pillow. And a lot more cute.
Hold on, was that a dildo in her hand?
Looking over to his other side, he squinted to avoid the sunlight and saw Momo, equally adorable and also holding a dildo.
Holy fucking shit - he bagged a threesome with two hot girls and couldn't remember a second of it.
He could only pray they didn't use those dildos on him. He was decidedly not into buttstuff.
...unless...
Wait, not the time.
First he had to wake one of them up and get as vivid a retelling of the sex as possible. At the very least, he needed to know whether or not he put in work.
Turning to Yui, he decided he wanted the recollection from her.
Partly because he didn't want his eyes to be violently raped by sunlight as he heard about having sex.
Mostly because she was staring straight at him.
When the fuck did she wake up?
"Uhhh, good morning?" He greeted wearily.
"It's not bad so far." Yui replied before sitting up and stretching. "Last night was certainly a lot better."
"Yeah, about that, was I any good?"
"Mm?" She inquired with a slight tilt of her head. "What do you mean?"
Oh, so she was teasing him? Two could play at that game.
Izuku decided he would sit up, push Yui down by the shoulders and whisper huskily in her ear to make her confess. From what he recalled about her strange tendencies, it'd have her spewing out answers in no time, in addition to giving him a round 2 to make up for his memory blank for last night.
The plan would've been perfect if he didn't possess the mobility of a paraplegic monkey.
Instead, he attempted to sit up only to be forced down by the crippling muscle pain, which in turn aggravated his headache, replacing any husky whispering with an agonised groan.
"Are you okay?"
No, he was very much not okay. Tensei Iida could likely kick his ass in the state he was now.
"Ughhh— can you just tell me how I did last night?" Izuku whimpered. "It'd be a great ego boost if I somehow fucked all three of us into unconsciousness?"
"Oh. Mistres— I mean, Momo and I certainly did fuck each other into unconsciousness."
Result!
While his body felt like it took a trip through a meat grinder, he could at least take solace in the fact that his dick game was strong as hell—
Wait, what was that slip up?
"It was a shame you were unconscious at the time." Yui mused with a hazy look in her eye. "The things you could both do to my slutty body at the same time-mm~.
Oh.
It all made sense now.
This was hell.
Nighteye's prediction came into fruition, and Overhaul must've killed him in their fight. That was the only explanation for the pure fuckery taking place this morning.
"Let me get this straight." Izuku started, forcing his sore body to sit up against the bed's backrest. "You two decided to have sex over my unconscious body?"
Yui nodded.
"The harem fantasy where the guy was meant to have two girls fighting over him resulted in both of you having sex without me?"
Yui nodded again.
He was so tempted to activate One For All and break his own neck.
As if losing out on sex was bad enough - he missed the hot lesbian sex scene because he was sleeping.
This day couldn't get any worse. The next thing he knew, the weird One For All ghost nightmare would turn out to be true.
"Izuku?"
"Hm?"
"You're floating."
Bakugo woke up on the right side of bed this morning, which was the explanation behind his blissful smile.
He could tell it was beginning to spook out 1-A when he strolled into the common room looking like he won the lottery, but nobody was going to raise that point lest they risk getting their ass blown to bits.
"Bakugo, are you alright? Your mouth is doing something strange."
Right - nobody except the fearless bastard known to him as Icyhot.
He supposed he could let it slide this morning. After all, today was the day he'd finally get the prick to snap and use his flames.
"Yep, everything's fuckin' peachy." Bakugo replied, his smile unscathed. "Want some eggs? I'm about to put some on for myself, so throwing an extra few in won't hurt."
At this question, the entire room devolved into silence.
"Uhhh, Bakugo? Did you hit your head or something buddy?" Kirishima asked wearily, poking his head up from the couch.
"A thousand yen says that's Himiko Toga in disguise." Kaminari raised.
"You're on." The redhead whispered in a voice clearly heard by everyone.
Choosing to ignore his frie—extras, Bakugo moved into the kitchen and began preparing his breakfast for two.
He couldn't have his opponent fighting on an empty stomach after all.
Taking the time to expertly prepare the food, he emerged from the kitchen with two plates, placing one infront of Shoto and taking a seat next to him at the dining table.
"This isn't poisoned, is it?"
"Unless your pansy ass can't take a little chilli, no, it's perfectly fine." Bakugo snorted, digging into his own food as Shoto took a tentative bite.
"This is surprisingly good." He blinked, before digging into the food a lot more heartily. "I didn't know you could cook well."
"An idiot could follow a recipe and prepare it if they wanted to."
The difference between an idiot and Bakugo being that the second had a violently perfectionist personality, meaning all his food was a cut above any basic bitch recipe book.
The pair continued their meal in relative silence, and once they were both finished, Bakugo decided to enact his plan.
Pulling his phone out under the table, he sent some screenshots to Shoto's phone and saw him reaching for it upon hearing the notification sound.
Checkmate.
Any minute now, he'd have to dodge a burst of flames and start fighting for his life.
"Bakugo?"
"What's up Zuko?"
God he was itching to explode out of his seat.
"Is this my sister?"
"Yep."
"Messaging you about sex?"
"Right on the money."
"So you had sex with my sister?"
"Damn fucking straight." Bakugo gloated, lying through his teeth. "Want a recording or someth—"
His taunting was interrupted by the tapping of fingers on a phone, and Bakugo turned to Shoto to catch him blasting through his phone's keyboard at an outrageous speed.
This didn't look like a fight to him.
"Oi, icyhot."
"Yes?"
"The fuck are you doing? You know I dicked your sister right?"
"Mhm." He replied, finally placing his phone back on the table and putting a hand on his shoulder. "Welcome to the family."
Oh.
Oh fuck.
"...Icyhot...who were you just messaging?"
"My father, of course."
Oh shitty fucksticks this was bad.
Endeavour was gonna wring his neck for fucking his daughter.
And the worst part? He didn't even pipe her!
Wait - he still had time!
He just needed to get the icy prick to delete the message, and Endeavour would be none the wiser.
The man was the number 1 pro hero for Christ's sake! He obviously wouldn't spend all day on his phone. He was likely caught up in a robbery, or—
"My father responded. He's inviting you to intern at his Agency."
It all made sense now.
This was hell.
Izuku found himself floating and being dragged by the leg by All Might.
He supposed messaging him the words 'Help, I'm being haunted by your master and now I'm floating' wasn't the wisest option.
The bright side of this was that he was spared the muscle pain on the trip to Recovery Girl. Aside from his mentor's grip on his calf and the hangover, he felt relatively good.
The down side was that All Might had to collect him after Yui hung him out from Momo's window, meaning he'd eventually have to deal with that awkward conversation.
"So, Young Midoriya."
It seemed 'eventually' turned into 'right fucking now'.
"Yes, All Might?"
"I couldn't help but notice you were coming from Young Yaoyorozu's room."
"That's right sir."
"With another black haired girl assisting you."
"Yui Kodai, sir. She's in 1-B." Izuku clarified.
This somewhat eased his worries. If a teacher didn't know who she was, he could hardly be blamed for not recognising her last night.
"I see." Toshinori nodded, continuing his stroll to the medical office with his predecessor floating behind him. "I couldn't help but notice Young Kodai had a—uhmm, a self-relief toy in her hand?"
If Izuku wasn't the subject of the conversation, he probably would've laughed at his prudishness.
What the hell was Yui thinking waving a dildo around with All Might watching?
"Oh...is there a question here, sir?"
"Oh! Of course not my boy." He hastily spoke. "It's just...well..."
The man took a second to compose himself before voicing his thoughts.
"You're like a son to me, Young Midoriya."
...holy shit.
This day went from worst day of his life to instantly the best.
"And I'd like you to know that I'm always here for you, whether it's for quirk advice or relationship problems." Toshinori concluded.
He was certain the former pro was absolutely useless in terms of the former, but he'd take free advice regarding the latter. The man had women hanging off his muscles back in his prime - if anyone knew how to deal with this situation, it'd be him.
"Of course, sir! You see a few days ago, Momo came up to me because she thought my mind was hot, so she ended up ramming her tongue down my—"
"Nevermind!" The man hastily backtracked. "Save the relationship advice for Aizawa, my boy."
"Don't even think about it." A voice drawled out.
Taking note of his surroundings, Izuku realised they made it to Recovery Girl's office, with his homeroom teacher laying down in a bed with bandages around his head.
"Good morning sir." Izuku greeted as his mentor sat him on the bed, holding him by the shoulder to ensure he didn't float off.
"Not really, no." Aizawa replied, sitting up and clutching his head.
"Was it a villain fight?" Izuku enquired. "I haven't seen you this injured in a while. Was it a mutant quirk? It's a fair assumption, given your quirk could erase any other—"
"Would you look at that? I'm miraculously better." Aizawa interjected, leaving the room to avoid the interrogation. "I'll see you in homeroom, Midoriya."
What a dick.
Izuku watched as he left, coming to one vital realisation.
He should've used that lazy asshole to stop the floating.
"If this is another broken bone, I'm amputating your limbs." Chiyo scolded as she hobbled into the room.
"Of course not, ma'am!" Izuku swiftly replied.
After all, the old bitch was scary as hell, and despite his recklessness in the past he'd very much like to keep his arms.
From that point, Izuku explained the dream as thoroughly as possible. From Nana's appearance, to Shinomori's intervention and finally the reveal that he'd be awakening multiple quirks in his future.
Everything barring the All For One death requirement. He had a special plan cooked up for that faceless bastard, and he was certain Recovery Girl would be forced to report him under some sort of oath to preserve life.
He also might've added some bullshit about activating One For All at 20% while sleeping. Recovery girl was right in front of him, and only an idiot would miss out on some free healing.
Upon his healing, Izuku decided to raise a vital question.
"So...what do I do about the floating?"
"Try clenching your—"
Toshinori was cut off by a smack to the head from Recovery Girl's cane.
"None of that nonsense." She scolded, turning to Izuku. "Nana always described her quirk as a joystick. Focus on your core, and imagine it sinking to the floor."
Following her instructions, Izuku found himself tethered to the bed.
Why the hell didn't he go to Recovery Girl for advice when he was snapping his bones like glow sticks?
"Thanks ma'am!"
"Now out of my sight, the pair of you!"
As Izuku arrived at his homeroom, he checked the time and found that he made it with 10 seconds to spare.
Thankfully this meant he was saved from Aizawa busting his balls over tardiness. The prospective lecture from the man was the sole motivator that pushed him to shower and prepare for class in record time.
Entering the room, he made his way to his seat as Aizawa began stirring in his sleeping bag, catching Momo's eye on the way and receiving a wink.
Did she know what that look could do to a man? This woman was insatiably evil.
"Midoriya, quit daydreaming and take a seat."
"Yes sir!" He squeaked as he was forced out of his thoughts and comply.
"Woah, sir, what happened to your head?" Mina asked tactlessly.
Finally - Izuku could receive an answer!
"Oh, how nice of you to ask, Ashido." Aizawa all but growled. "I was attacked by a flying bottle from your dorm's roof."
Oh.
Oh fuck.
Izuku could vaguely recall throwing a bottle at Yui in his drunken stupor and missing, causing it to land God knows where.
What kind of batshit luck did he possess? Aizawa was gonna crucify him.
"Which is why I'm issuing detentions to both Kaminari and Ashido. I'm certain you were the culprits."
"Wait, how do you know it wasn't someone else? Like Midoriya?"
Izuku couldn't help but flinch in his seat.
Just when he thought he got away with it, this yellow-haired dunce gave him away?
He'd better watch his back in the next training exercise.
"That's simple." The man scoffed. "First of all, your student cards were flagged leaving your dorm last night."
Izuku might have to seek Shiozaki for a crash-course conversion to Christianity. There was no way God didn't exist after this miracle.
Which idiots took their student IDs with them when they left their rooms? Amateurs. That was just asking to be caught.
And as heroic as it would be to own up, Izuku didn't have a death wish, and since a deity blessed him with an excuse he'd be foolish not to use it. He'd have to buy them a cake or something for their sacrifice.
"Second of all, Midoriya's a pussy. There's no way it was him." The man concluded.
Coming from the pro hero who lost a fight to bottle.
"Congratulations, you've got yourself a detention too."
Stupid motor mouth.
Luckily, Izuku managed to make it through his morning lessons without any more slip ups, leading him to lunch.
He should probably eat with Ochako - he hadn't spoken to her since yesterday.
Getting out of his seat, he made his way over to her desk.
"Hey! Wanna grab—"
"Nope - gotta go!" She hurriedly replied, rushing out of the room.
That was weird. He should probably check up on that.
...
Later.
He had far too many problems on his plate right now, with most of them centred around killing an immortal kleptomaniac.
He should probably tell Kacchan about his quirk issues too. Having someone to confide in would be nice, and he'd likely be onboard with the plan after the whole kidnapping incident.
Heading towards the blond's seat, he found him sat there with the grimmest look imaginable, and Todoroki sitting opposite him chatting animatedly.
"You've selected a best man, right? If not, Midoriya would be a great pick."
"Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name; thy kingdom come—"
Izuku swiftly changed his trajectory.
If something was causing Kacchan of all people to start reciting the bible, he didn't want to touch the situation with a ten foot pole.
This left only Momo, who he wasn't too keen on interacting with right now.
He may have been a smidge salty that he missed out on the sex session.
"Oh, Izuku! Come and eat lunch with me." Momo asked radiantly as she strolled over.
This was easy.
All he had to do was reject it, make her feel guilty over the sex thing and he'd have limitless lap pillows as an apology from her.
"If you hurry with your food, we could use our free period after lunch continuing where we left off last night." She whispered sultrily into his ear.
"Hiiiiiiiiiiii-" Izuku squeaked, nodding to get his point across since his mouth was malfunctioning.
God he was so whipped.
Thanks for reading - until next time!