Not My Homeland Anymore
Chapter 9: Like You Don't Even Exist
In the end, it was three weeks before the repairs to Neal's car were finally done- not that he really blamed Mike for being a little too busy with his other responsibilities.
Neal was just glad when he finally did get his car back- he missed just being able to hop in and drive wherever he wanted. Which was why as soon as he got his car back that Saturday evening, he immediately climbed in and drove off into town. And normally he'd be going out with Ruby, but for the past few weeks their standing Saturday night hangout time had been replaced- Saturday nights were the only time both Ruby and Graham had off of work, so that had become their date night.
Which Neal didn't mind, honestly. Since moving into the inn, he and Ruby had spent plenty of time together- he wasn't concerned that their friendship was about to end just because she was kind-of sort-of in a relationship. (Ruby had insisted that Graham was not her "boyfriend," although she hadn't offered more than a token protest when Neal had corrected her by saying "not yet, anyway.")
What time is it? Pulling over to the side of the road, he flipped his phone open, noticing a missed text from Ruby.10 o'clock? Where did the time go?
He opened the text. You busy?
Sorry, didn't see this before, he replied. I'm free now, though. Why?
Graham had to cancel. Want to hang out?
That was… odd.
Sure, Neal texted back, confused. What happened?
He said something about the animal shelter, Ruby replied.
I'll be over in ten, Neal typed. Have the popcorn ready.
There was definitely more to that story, but he wouldn't push for answers, at least not via text. Turning the car around, Neal headed towards the diner. Glancing up, he froze.
Is that… someone climbing out the window of the mayor's house? Pulling his car into park, he watched as the figure slid down the roof. Wait, is that… Graham?
Neal stared as the sheriff climbed into his own car and drove away.
The animal shelter, huh? He'd known there was something fishy about that story.
Graham stood next to a table at The Rabbit Hole, throwing darts, as he tried to puzzle through the strange mess his life had become.
He still wasn't totally sure how he'd ended up taking Ruby out that first time- he hadn't been looking to go out with anyone, had been comfortable with whatever it was that he and Regina were, and had been for… as long as he could remember.
But once he had… he'd expected it to be a one-time thing. And yet they'd gone out again the next week. And the one after that.
And nothing had even happened. They hadn't done anything. They'd just sat and talked, laughed over a dumb movie, taken a long walk down the waterfront. That was it. He had nothing to feel guilty over, and he didn't.
But then tonight… tonight, on a whim he didn't think he'd be able to explain any better than any other he'd had recently, he had stood on her doorstep as she came out to greet him and pressed a quick, chaste kiss on her lips.
Or, at least, that was what he'd meant to do. But she'd responded eagerly, more so than he could have imagined, and the next thing he knew, his back was against a wall, her hands were in his hair and his were on her waist, and then…
Then his phone had buzzed, and he'd known. And still, compelled by the same force that always pushed him back into Regina's bed no matter how often he said he was done with her, he'd texted back on my way and told Ruby the first lie that came to mind, though he doubted she'd actually believed him.
He'd finished with Regina as soon as he could, and had ended up here, trying to solve his problems with alcohol and darts.
Why are you like this, Graham? Regina, Ruby… his whole life followed this pattern. There were always too many choices, and yet it never felt like he was the one at the wheel making the choices. He just moved along aimlessly, with no idea where he was going, or why.
On the one hand, there was Regina. Regina, who he didn't even like, who he rarely agreed with, and yet, who he could never resist when she came calling. Being with Regina was… uncomplicated. Easy.
Then there was Ruby. Ruby, who was sweet, and kind, and innocent, and had dreams so big he'd be jealous if he even knew how to feel such a thing. Ruby, who always knew just how to make him laugh, who always had a smile for him, who was just so… Ruby. Ruby, whose kiss had made him wild.
It should be simple, and yet… neither choice felt right. Nothing in his life ever felt right. Nothing in his life ever felt… anything.
Why am I like this?
Suddenly, as he was about to release his next dart, he felt someone's hand wrap around his wrist and squeeze.
A normal man would have been shocked, angry, maybe even violent… but all Graham felt was a vague, dispassionate curiosity.
Turning, he looked over at the person gripping his arm.
Who is that?
Neal looked at the man in front of him, the man who'd blown off his best friend in the world to go… he couldn't even think the words, couldn't comprehend that the man he'd always admired and respected and looked up to could be so absolutely callous.
Graham looked back at him calmly, a slightly disoriented look in his eyes, as though he were looking somewhere far beyond Neal.
"What is wrong with you?" Neal said, putting his free hand on the older man's shoulder and shaking him.
What's wrong with me? This wasn't who Neal was, the kind of guy who'd confront someone else like this, who'd cause a scene in a public place, who'd feel this kind of burning anger towards another human being. Towards someone he'd known his whole life.
But he didn't care.
Graham didn't seem to have heard him, the glazed look still on his face, so Neal repeated his words.
This time, the sheriff responded.
"Who are you?" There wasn't even the slightest bit of recognition in the other man's eyes, and Neal swore he could feel his own blood boiling beneath his skin.
"It's Neal!" He was shouting now, and everyone in the bar was looking at them, but he still couldn't bring himself to care. "You know, Ruby's best friend?"
"Ruby?" Finally, something seemed to actually reach Graham, and his gaze focused onto Neal's face.
"Yeah, Ruby," Neal spat. "Remember her? Or were you too busy sneaking out of some other woman's bedroom to bother?"
"I don't…" Graham shook his head, then closed his eyes, his chest rising and falling with slow, steady breaths.
"Look at me!" Neal shouted, but even though Graham's eyes reopened, they slid past him like he wasn't there, like he didn't even exist.
Before he could think twice, a fist slammed into Graham's face, and Neal realized a second later that it had been his own. Graham fell backwards, and someone else in the room screamed.
Running his fingers along his bruised fingers, Neal watched as the sheriff stood up. There was a wild look in the other man's eyes, and Neal didn't even have time to move backwards before he felt Graham's knuckles meet his chin.
Time seemed to lose meaning as the two of them traded blows, and then suddenly someone was grabbing him from behind, pulling him away from his opponent.
Swiveling his head around, he saw Emma Swan. And she did not look pleased.
"Do either of you want to explain what happened here?" Emma stared down at the two men sitting in front of her, her arms crossed. Neither had put up much protest at being removed from the bar, and both were now staring down at the ground, away from both her and each other.
"Ne- Cassidy?" When he didn't respond, she tried again. "Graham?" Still no response.
"Alright, one of you start talking, or I'm locking both of you up for the night," she said. "And Graham, before you tell me that I don't have that authority, I'll remind you that I am the one on duty tonight because you asked me to cover the Saturday night shift. And I didn't agree to it just so I could come drag your sorry hide out of bar fights."
"What happened to you?" Neal (Cassidy, she reminded herself) said, looking at Graham. "I used to look up to you, you know that? Now I don't even recognize you."
"Sometimes…" Graham trailed off, still not looking at either of them. "Most days, I'm not sure that I recognize myself, either."
Emma narrowed her eyes, but neither of them would say another word, so she hauled them both into the police car and headed for the sheriff's station.
Ruby raced into the station, the door swinging shut behind her.
"I came as soon as I heard," she said, looking from one cell to another."What happened?"
Neither man responded, so she turned her gaze to Emma, who was leaning back at a desk.
"I'm not entirely sure," the deputy said, shaking her head. "A couple of people at the bar heard your name thrown around, but no one was entirely clear on what that had to do with the fight."
"Seriously?" Ruby looked back at the two men in their cells, neither of whom would meet her gaze. "Neal, you promised me that you were joking. And Graham, what were you even doing at that bar? You told me there was an emergency at the animal shelter."
"He-" Neal started, but she pointed a finger at him and interrupted.
"Don't you start, mister! I have a cold bucket of popcorn at home with your name on it, and I was starting to get worried that something had happened to you, that you'd gotten into some kind of accident!" Ruby gestured around the room. "And then I get a call telling me that you were arrested? After starting a bar fight? Who are you, and what have you done with the even-tempered, law-abiding Neal I know? I'm supposed to be the troublemaker in this friendship!"
"I'm sorry, Ruby," Neal said, his eyes meeting hers. "I just… I'm sorry."
"Graham?" But the man she'd kissed just a few hours earlier still wouldn't look at her, and she felt something in her stomach plummet.
She'd known he was lying about that animal shelter story. It had been too convenient, too fishy, coming right at the time it did.
Had her aggressive response turned him off? He'd been such a perfect gentleman for the past few weeks, and she'd liked him for forever, and then he'd finally kissed her, and she'd just-
"I'm sorry, Ruby," Neal said again, and when she turned back to look at him, she saw that his eyes were wet.
When morning came, Graham found himself summarily deposited on the front step of the sheriff's office along with Neal.
"Take the day off and clear your head," Emma told him, then headed inside.
Graham looked over at Neal, who scowled.
"You have one day to fix this," the librarian said, shaking his hand. "Ruby ought to hear the truth from you."
Graham nodded, his mind still cloudy. He wasn't even totally sure what he was agreeing to.
Neal stuck his hands in his pockets, then started walking away. He'd only taken two steps before pausing and turning back.
"Hey, Graham?" The younger man's eyes met his, looking curious.
"Yeah?"
"Last night, you said… you asked me…" Neal's voice trailed off.
"What, Neal?" Graham said irritably, wondering what else Neal wanted from him. "What did I say?"
"You said, 'who are you?'" Neal said, shaking his head. "We've known each other as long as I can remember, but you looked at me like I was a stranger and asked me who I was. Why?"
"I… I don't…" I don't know, Graham almost said, but it wasn't quite true.
There were a lot of things Graham didn't know. He didn't know why he kept going back to Regina's bed, didn't know what it was about Ruby that drew him towards the younger woman like a moth to a flame. He didn't know why he walked around feeling hollow and empty every day of his life, why every choice he faced seemed like it wasn't really a choice at all.
But he did know why he'd said what he had to Neal, even if he didn't fully understand it.
"Because I didn't know who you were," he admitted, shrugging his shoulders. "Because I looked at you, and all I saw was a stranger's face." He couldn't explain it, couldn't say why it was Neal, out of everyone in town, who he'd forgotten, even if briefly.
"But we've known each other for… for… forever," said Neal, staring blankly at him. "You know that."
"Have we? Really?" Graham said. Which wasn't what he'd meant to say. He'd meant to agree with Neal, to say you're right, it must have been the alcohol. Instead, he found himself saying something else entirely. "Do you remember when we met?"
"I-" Before Neal could respond, Graham's gaze fixed on something strange out of the corner of his eye, and he turned sharply to look at it.
"Is that… a wolf?" Graham interrupted. Without waiting for a response, he chased after the animal, ignoring the cry of his name coming from the man he'd left behind.
"Good morning, Sheriff," Mr. Gold said, looking carefully at the curious sight in front of him. "Sorry if I startled you."
"Right," said the man in front of him, looking disoriented. "Sorry, I… I thought you were a wolf."
"Did I forget to shave?" Gold quipped, but the former huntsman didn't seem to have heard him.
"What are you doing out here so early?" Graham asked, still sounding confused.
"A spot of gardening," Gold said, not entirely lying. If one took a liberal view of what constituted 'gardening.' "Yourself?"
"I was looking for…" Graham trailed off, as though he wasn't quite sure himself.
"A wolf," Mr. Gold said, nodding. "Yeah, I think I'm beginning to catch on. You know, to the best of my knowledge, Sheriff, there are no wolves in Storybrooke." Then he narrowed his eyes, looking the other man up and down. "Not the literal kind, anyway. Why are you looking?"
"You'll think I'm crazy," said the sheriff, his breath coming out in pants.
"Try me," Mr. Gold said, feeling his lips quirk upwards. Is it possible that he's… remembering? If so, perhaps the curse was even closer to breaking than he'd thought.
"It's just… I feel like I've been walking around in a haze, like nothing around me is really… real," Sheriff Graham said, still breathing heavily. "And then I saw a wolf, and it seemed almost like… the realest thing I'd seen in so long."
"Oh?" Gold said, curious. That hadn't been quite what he was expecting, but it certainly sounded promising. "What about it made you think so?"
"It just was so… wild," the sheriff said, looking off into the distance. "Free. I can't remember the last time I felt that way."
"What, wild?" Mr. Gold asked before gesturing around them. "Well, there's certainly enough wildness out here to go around, no?"
"Maybe I just… need a break," Graham said, clearly not actually listening. "To get away."
"From your job?" Gold twirled his cane thoughtfully. "Yes, I imagine the pressures of that career path might be getting to you."
"From everything," the sheriff said, his head shaking and bobbing aimlessly. "From… all of them. You know."
"Yes, I think I just might," Gold said, the spinning wheel in his mind whirring away. "In fact, it's possible I may be able to help you there."
"Really?" Graham asked, looking hopeful.
"Yes, I think there might be a way for us to work this out," the pawnshop owner said, smiling. "That is, if you're willing to make a deal with me?"
"Alright, explain this to me again?" Regina said, looking at her longtime lover.
"I'm sorry, Regina," Graham said, shaking his head. "This isn't… because of you."
"Is this about that waitress?" She'd known about his fling with the strumpet, of course, but had chosen to ignore it, expecting him to tire of the girl before long. "Or is it… your new deputy?" That had certainly been an unpleasant surprise, one Regina still felt irritated over. The fact that that woman was now living in her town, employed by the city itself, was rather galling.
"No, it's got nothing to do with any of that," the sheriff insisted. "It's… me. I've just been feeling… off, for a while now, and I think I need to take some time to myself right now."
"Is that so?" Regina asked, considering this. On the one hand, she didn't really want to let him go, even if it wasn't for some other woman. On the other hand, letting him take a leave of absence from work to hole up in his own apartment for a while would also keep him away from that pesky deputy he'd hired. And she would still be able to call on him if she really wanted to. (Using his heart was a little more complicated in this world, but not impossible.) "I suppose that's reasonable, then."
After all, it would give her more time to focus on how to remove Miss Swan from her town.
And she knew it wouldn't be long before her huntsman came crawling back.
"I need to tell you something," Graham said.
"Yes?" Ruby said, swallowing the lump in her throat. She didn't know exactly what this was about, didn't know why Graham had pulled her out right as she was locking up and asked to talk to her.
She hoped it was to explain what had happened last night, to tell her why he'd left, why he'd fought with Neal. (Neal had remained tight-lipped on the subject, only stopping in his room to change his clothing before disappearing out the door again. He'd been gone all day and still wasn't back.)
"I haven't been… honest with you," the sheriff admitted. He wasn't looking at her. "Not really."
"What do you mean, Graham?" They'd only gone out a handful of times, she hadn't exactly expected him to share his whole life story with her any time soon.
"It's… Regina," he said, and Ruby didn't understand, didn't know what the mayor had to do with anything except that she was more or less his boss.
And then, all of a sudden, she did.
"How long?" Ruby asked, biting her lip and trying to blink back tears. This was what Neal had discovered, what had infuriated him so much that he'd done something as out-of-character as get into an actual fist fight?
"Ruby, I-"
"How long?" She raised her voice slightly- they were alone on the pier, so it wasn't like she had to worry about making a scene.
"I don't know," Graham said, shaking his head. "A while. As long as I can remember. Years, I think."
"So when you left me last night, that was what, a… booty call?" Ruby spluttered, pressing a hand to her forehead. "I thought it was my fault, that I'd done something wrong, but no, it was just her, wasn't it? She snapped her fingers and you jumped like some kind of trained dog."
"That… might be an apt description," he admitted, sighing.
"Why, Graham?" She tried to meet his eyes, but he still wouldn't look at her. "Why let her treat you like this? And why lead me on if you still had something going on with her?"
"I don't know," he said, sighing. "I suppose it's just that… I don't feel anything, you know? Not with her, not with you, not with anything or anyone."
"No, I don't know," said Ruby, gripping his chin and forcing him to meet her gaze. "Talk to me, Graham. Explain it to me so I understand. Please."
"I can't," he said, pulling away. "I don't understand it myself."
"So what, you just want me to forgive and forget? To ignore this?" Ruby said, raising her voice again. "Or are you calling things off with me?" She wouldn't call it a break-up, wouldn't give him that much credit. They'd gone on three dates, they weren't in a relationship. This wasn't serious.
(It had been, for her. But she'd never admit that out loud, not even to herself.)
"I'm breaking things off with both of you," he said, still looking at his hands. "I spoke with Regina a few hours ago. And I'm taking off from work, too. I need some time to just… figure out what I'm even doing here. I'm sorry, Ruby." He stood up, clearly about to walk away.
"Wait!" Ruby reached out and grabbed his arm. He turned back, finally looking at her, and she stood up, facing him. "You said… you said… that you don't feel anything?"
"Yeah…" Graham said slowly. "I don't know why, and I promise you it's not your fault, but I-"
Impulsively, the way she always did everything in her life, Ruby leaned in and pressed a kiss to his lips.
It wasn't like their kiss last night. That kiss had been heated and heavy, lusty and wild.
This kiss was soft, gentle… almost sweet.
That kiss had been her way of trying to pull him into herself, to get as close to him as she could, to breathe him.
This kiss was almost the opposite. She wasn't trying to take, she was trying to give. Trying to pour all of her feelings, her whole self into him. To fill him with her very being.
She pulled away, hearing a soft pop as their mouths disconnected.
"Did you feel that?" Ruby asked.
"I'm sorry, Ruby," Graham said. "I have to go." He turned his back to her, and this time, she let him walk away.
"Well!" Emma said as she stared down at the sheet of paper in front of her. Wasn't this a good way to start off a Monday morning? "You'd think he'd at least have the decency to tell me to my face," she muttered.
"What's that, Miss Swan?" Whirling around, Emma saw that the mayor had come into the office. The other woman noticed the page Emma had in her hand and nodded. "Graham's leave of absence, I suppose."
Regina was clearly trying to disorient her, to show Emma that she would always be more aware of what was going on in this town than any outsider. But Emma was already so discombobulated that it barely registered.
"No," she said, handing the paper over to the mayor. "He's… resigning."
Regina raced up the stairs of the building, trying to reach the apartment Graham had called home for the past twenty-eight years as quickly as possible.
This is not what he told me he was doing! Taking some time off was one thing, but quitting? That was not acceptable, not unless he had some very good reason.
She reached the right floor just in time to hear the click of a lock sliding into place.
"Graham!" Regina cried. But then the figure at the door turned around, and she saw that the man standing there was someone else entirely.
"Lovely to see you, Regina," said Gold, his lips quirking up into a half-smile. "What brings you here this morning?"
"What are you doing here?" She noticed the key in his hand, the one he'd presumably used to lock Graham's door. "And why do you have that?"
"Well, to answer both of your questions, madam mayor, I'm here because I own this property," the imp explained, looking thoughtful. "I was just dropping by to make sure that the previous tenant didn't leave behind any mess."
"Previous tenant?" Regina asked, drawing her head back.
"Why, Sheriff Graham, of course," said 'Mr. Gold,' tilting his head in obviously feigned curiosity. "Or would that be former Sheriff Graham?"
"You knew," she said, her lips curling inwards into a snarl. "You knew he was quitting."
"The subject did come up while we were negotiating the end of his lease, yes," the landlord said, looking thoughtful. "Why, didn't he discuss it with you beforehand?"
Of course not! Regina thought. She took a deep breath before answering.
"I'm just surprised you knew," she said, returning his smile. "Would you also happen to know where he's gone now?"
"I really couldn't say, madam mayor," he replied, shrugging his shoulders. "This is your town, isn't it?"
Two weeks after his fight with Graham, Neal stood on the threshold of his room at Granny's, looking around to make sure he hadn't left anything behind.
He held a single bag in his hand- most of his things were already in his car, waiting to be driven across the now fully-repaired street.
Guess it's time for me to get going. He'd been given just under a week to organize the library and have it reopened before the holidays.
Closing the door behind him, Neal headed down the stairs, thinking about everything that had happened over the last few weeks.
After telling Ruby the truth, Graham had disappeared: quit his job, left his apartment, and seemingly skipped town. Neal had overheard someone mention spotting the former sheriff at the grocery store a few days earlier, so he was probably still around somewhere, but Storybrooke was a bigger place than it looked- if Graham didn't want to be found, he would likely be able to stay hidden for as long as he wanted.
As he reached the last step, he caught sight of someone's back. He could hear Ruby talking to whoever it was, and he saw her arm waving him down.
"Hey, Neal," she called up at him. "Come meet our new guest!"
As the aforementioned 'guest' turned around, Neal realized that he was a stranger - not something you saw in Storybrooke every week.
The stranger's eyes widened in surprise.
"Neal?" He sounded absolutely dumbfounded. "What are you doing here? How long have you been in town?"
"Uh-" Neal tried to speak, but the strange man clearly didn't even notice.
"I tried to get in touch with you, Neal, I promise," the stranger continued, running his finger along the handle of the box in his hand. "But it was like you'd disappeared! And I had to get to Storybrooke. But you're here!"
"I'm sorry," Neal said, shaking his head as he stepped forward. "Do I know you?"
"What?" The stranger's brow wrinkled in even more confusion. He inspected Neal carefully. Then his facial expression cleared, making him looking cheerful. "I'm sorry, I guess I mistook you for somebody else. It must have been the name. You live here in Storybrooke?"
"Yeah, I'm the librarian. I was just staying here while some construction was going on," Neal explained, holding out his hand. "Name's Neal Cassidy."
"And I'm August," the stranger said, smiling broadly as he shook Neal's hand. "August Booth."
"Nice to meet you, August," Neal replied. "Welcome to Storybrooke."