A/N: After rewatching MSW S3E1-2, Death Stalks the Big Top, Jessica shows such emotion seeing Neil again after believing him to be dead and losing Frank. The idea of this one-shot came from that plot of Neil faking his death, joining the circus, and being accused of murder. Of course, I don't own these characters or the storyline for the two episodes, nor am I making any money from it.

10/5/1986

My Darling Frank,

You will never guess what has happened. Neil is alive! I know you never believed that he died in that boating accident. It is a long story, but it all started when he sent Carol a leprechaun as a wedding gift with no card or return address. She was absolutely positive it came from him and he was still alive. You know me, my darling, I could never assuage my curiosity and remembering how adamant you were that he did not die, I went off in search of him.

He was living under an assumed identity, going by the name of Carl Schulman. He has a sense of humor, because he works for the circus now, giving new meaning to the idea of "running off to join the circus." The man we knew and loved as Neil Fletcher, was placed firmly in the past, as he faked his death to get away from Constance. I still can't quite believe it, even as I know what a terrible force of nature she is and I could not imagine what his life must have been like with her all those years.

I asked him why he didn't get a divorce, but of course, he wanted it to be immediate and finite and even though I felt a deep sense of betrayal at his deception, I understood it, Frank. I really did. I hope you would have as well.

I am glad I went on this adventure and tracked him down, because not only did I get to see him again, but he and Carol reunited. Somehow, he has promised to maintain contact with both of us, even while he insists that we keep his secret.

But I am getting ahead of myself.

Unfortunately, as seems to be the case these days when I travel, there was a murder. In this case, two murders. Neil was accused of the first and put in jail. When the second happened though, he was still in jail, and when the murders were determined to be connected, his innocence was eventually proven.

Neil, being Neil though, was trying to protect a young boy, who he believed may have committed the first murder. I defended him to the law enforcement in the town, stating that I could no more believe that Neil had killed anyone than if you had. I realize that my belief meant little to those in the town who did not know either of you. But you and Neil always had such strength of character and integrity. I could not help to defend him, even as I knew that it was my own belief without any basis on evidence.

When I saw Neil though, the first time in the jail cell, we spoke of you, Frank. It's been five years since Neil faked his death, and not long after that, you left me. I know that's not fair. I should not say that. You never would have left me by choice. You aren't Neil and I'm not Constance. I know that. But you did leave. A betrayal of your body, if not by your choice. Neil told me that he came to your funeral and he left yellow roses after everyone left. When I went back to the cemetery the day after you were buried, those yellow roses were there and I had wondered where they had come from. I had left red and pink ones, but the yellow ones were right next to them, as though the person had known that they all belonged together.

I…wish he had found a way then to let me know he was there. I needed the comfort that he could have given. Perhaps that is selfish of me, as I know that no one could have really helped me the way I wanted to be helped then. I wanted a fairy godmother to wave her magic wand and bring you back to me. Nothing short of that would have made anything better.

Knowing that did not stop me from wanting to beat on Neil's chest during that first meeting with him. He was your brother and we both loved him so much and he walked out of our lives by choice! I felt such hurt and sorrow for the years lost, as well as anger that you never knew for sure what you knew in your heart to be true. I understand why he did it and I can't fault his desire to get away from Constance, but my darling, you didn't have a choice. Neil was always like my brother, too, and to lose him right before losing you, was not fair.

But, I did what I often do, and despite my eyes tearing up, I focused on the task at hand by helping Neil and determining who the real murderer was.

Now, the case is solved. I helped Neil sneak back to see Carol before the wedding, and now I'm in the guest room, ready to return home tomorrow.

But oh, Frank, how I miss you. This entire experience with Neil and Carol has stirred up all my grief and heartache at losing you. Some days it feels like you died yesterday and others an eternity ago. To realize this week that it has been almost five years, has been a kick in the gut. I have found myself pausing for air, as I used to in those first days, weeks, and months, when I would almost hyperventilate on a daily basis from the loss that threatened to overtake me. Tears have seemed to constantly hover in my periphery this week and I want to indulge in them.

In fact, I did tonight, albeit briefly, when I first came back to the room. I turned on the shower as hot as it would go and when the steam became thick in the room, I turned on the vent, certain that my sobs would be masked as I stood under the water and let go for a bit. It was cathartic, but as always happens afterwards, does not really fix anything either.

Here I am in bed, alone, as I have been for almost five years now. I know we never really talked about either of us dying too often. We loved to embrace life, didn't we? It was wonderful to be loved by you, Frank.

I know I probably sound maudlin, but there have been a lot of wonderful memories that have surfaced this week as well. Holidays shared with you, Neil, and even Marshall early on, summers at the beach, and many days of fishing. Most of those memories are many years ago, when we were so young, well before Constance came into the picture. But the flashes of brilliance of smiles and sunshine and laughter remain in my mind, giving me cause to smile now.

I have never wanted to find anyone else in all these years since you left. If I couldn't have you, I didn't want anyone else. But, seeing Neil this week, has caused me to rethink a bit. He is alone, but by choice, and as a result of a painful marriage. I am alone, not by choice, but because you died.

I know if we had been prepared, you would have insisted I find someone again. You were always like that. I would have done the same to you, if it had been me to go first. Yet, we didn't really have those conversations, did we? Maybe if we had both lived until at least retirement, we would have begun to look ahead to one of us being on our own one day, but you were hardly old.

Now, I wonder. I am not old, but I am rather mature now. Maybe I am old by many standards, but I don't feel like it. Yet, I hope to live a couple of more decades at least. The thought of those years stretching ahead of me in solitary existence is making me consider what I want for my future. Is that alright to tell you? I am not saying there is someone I have in mind, only that I think I need to open my heart for the possibility.

Sometimes I wonder if you would recognize me anymore. Not due to age, even though I am almost five years older. No, I wonder if you would recognize me because my life is nothing like it was when you were alive. Did you know that I am a published author now and sometimes people recognize me in big cities when I travel? People actually stand in line to have me, Jessica Fletcher, sign their book! I can't believe how my life has changed. I have been so blessed in many ways, but I would give it all up in a heartbeat if I could have you back. My life is good and I get a lot of satisfaction out of it, but I also feel odd knowing that none of who I am now would have happened if you had lived and it worries me to wonder if you would love the woman I have become.

I hope so.

I am not sure why I wrote this tonight, but I knew that when I got into the bed, still warm from the shower, that I had to get all of these swirling thoughts out of my head. It's not like you will ever read them, even though I wish with all my heart that you could.

I love you, my darling, Frank.

All my love, yours forever,

Jessie