Chapter Warnings:
Mentions of death; survivor's guilt
Next Update: July 1st
17. Good Friend
Sascha only really registered that it was deep in the night already, when she and Carlisle got back to the house. The lights on the lower floor had been turned off, indicating that everyone had already retired to their rooms for some quiet and calm.
„You did really well today, Sascha. It was kind of you to help Jacob."
Sascha ducked out of the car. „I'm glad at least you saw it that way."
„I wish our kind could see eye to eye more frequently. Our goals are not so different, if we were ready to realise that." Carlisle sighed heavily.
„People can be frustratingly stubborn, huh?"
Carlisle and her shared a soft laugh as they entered the house through the garage.
„Go get some rest, love", he rested a hand on her upper back, „You've earned it."
Sascha nodded and gave him a quick, affectionate side-hug. „You too, Carlisle."
They parted ways at the top of the stairs. Sascha thought for a moment. Rest in her room alone? Find Alice, or Jasper? Were they together already anyway?
First, she opted for a change of clothes. She entered her room quietly and, after pulling the door shut behind her, took her torn shirt off right away. She inspected her scars in the mirror. They were not too prominent. Jasper's reminder to use the venom proved itself useful. She could see small, silvery lines covering the left side of her torso and left arm. The aftermath of healing Jacob's bones. She checked her right fist quickly. Where Bella's cracked knuckles had shown themselves. They were almost gone. If she hadn't known they were there, she wouldn't even be able to see them anymore.
She tossed her torn shirt into the dustbin that stood next to her desk and grabbed a different shirt that conveniently hung over her chair, a simple green long sleeve. Her trousers had survived intact. Luckily. They were too comfortable.
When she pulled the shirt over her head, her eyes fell on the letters she had prepared for the others. Sascha reached out to it and ran her fingers over the paper for a beat, thinking about the very different result this day could have entailed for her. She picked it up and quickly stuffed it into her closet between some t-shirts. She didn't want to throw them away, but also not risk anyone finding them.
Sascha was just about to leave her room, when her hand stilled on the door handle. She felt like going to the roof instead. Even if she was alone there, it continued to give her great comfort. And if the others came looking for her, at least Alice and Jasper knew where to find her. So she left through her balcony doors, nimbly jumped up to grab the roof and pulled herself up. She stilled in surprise.
„Fancy seeing you here, Mr. Hale."
Jasper was resting against the chimney, legs stretched out, hands resting behind his head. A tired smirk showed on his face. „Good evening, ma'am."
„Now I feel bad that I didn't bring any tea." Sascha settled down cross-legged next to him, some paces between them.
„I have no books to offer. It seems your chance is not forlorn yet."
Sascha breathed a laugh through her nose. „How are you doing?"
„You make it seem this was my first battle, and not yours."
„Even so. Your family was threatened this time."
„Also not the first."
Sascha raised an almost tired eyebrow at him then, shaking her head with the ghost of a smile as she saw his lopsided one.
„I am quite well. We came out unharmed, my family remains intact." Jasper seemed to search her face for something. A frown tugged at his brow. „And you, Sascha?"
Sascha found herself giving a helpless shrug. She opened her mouth to say something, but no sound came out. She lowered her gaze with a sigh and twisted her fingers around themselves. „I don't know."
Jasper moved from his leaned back position to sit forward, closing some of the distance between the two. „It's a lot. I understand."
Sascha nodded. Glad he took some of the pressure by talking for her. Her gaze was still fixed on her fingers.
„I want to be honest with you. You will feel some guilt at some point", Jasper paused for a moment. Sascha didn't look up, but she assumed he was gauging out her reaction. „I want you to be prepared for those feelings."
To some extent, she was feeling guilty already. But for a different reason than what Jasper was referring to. She knew they had to be taken out. If they even had had the option of merely fighting them off and letting them go, they surely would've killed many many people. That was not where her guilt was coming from. It confused her.
„You are already feeling guilty?"
Again she nodded slowly. „But not… not because I ended lives today. It was necessary, even if it wasn't their fault."
„Do you want to tell me why then you're feeling guilty?" Jasper's voice was incredibly soft. Almost velvety as he tried to be a calming source to her.
Sascha struggled again to find the words. Then, Jasper's hand touched down onto her fidgeting ones and she finally raised her eyes to meet his. Deep worry showed all over his face.
„Do you want me to help you?"
She hesitated for a moment. Was she being a coward for not being able to speak her trouble? She should be able to do so on her own. Without help.
„There's nothing to be ashamed of, Sascha."
She felt soothed immediately. Even if it didn't reach her face, she could feel the muscles twitch to form a smile, realising he had repeated her own words back to him. It already felt like an eternity away.
She gave him another nod.
A second later Sascha felt a serene calm wash over her gently. With a start, the knot in her throat and head were unravelling. She hadn't even noticed how much she was already blocking away. Breathing felt easier immediately. Being felt easier. She sighed heavily and, pulling a hand out underneath Jasper's, rubbed her forehead. „Thank you."
A small smile settled on Jasper's face. „Anytime, Darlin'." He then leaned back again, waiting for her to voice her troubles.
„I don't know, it's just-", she sighed once more, „It could've been me on the other side of that field today. What happened to that girl, Bree, or- or what I had to do with Anna? That was almost me. Had I not left that day", another short pause, „But I did leave. And it wasn't me. It just feels wrong, even if it shouldn't."
„That sounds a little like you're experiencing some level of survivor's guilt."
„Maybe", Sascha lowered her head again, „I'm not sure."
„I don't deem myself an expert, and it doesn't matter what your emotions would be labelled clinically. They sure are understandable."
„Shouldn't I be feeling relieved that I got out unscathed?" She hated feeling so… small. So weak.
„This mess had you turned into a vampire, Sascha", Jasper was careful with his tone. She could hear the minor pitch change, „and you saw what happened to the others. Like you said yourself. Of course you're shaken by just imagining yourself in their stead. You must mourn that", he reached out to her again, this time laying a comforting hand on her shoulder, „and you must mourn your lost mortality too. You didn't come out unscathed."
Sascha felt her eyes burn as he said those words. She looked up at him, lips tugging down in a frown, pain clenching her still heart. He had put the finger right in the wound. His eyes were full of sympathy and understanding. Sascha could tell though, it wasn't his gift that made him understand. He understood on an organic level. He understood, because he had been there too.
She closed her eyes miserably and let herself tip forward to drop her forehead down to Jasper's shoulder. He adjusted his arm immediately to rest his hand at the back of her neck, holding her there, gently stroking his thumb through her hair.
They just sat in silence for a while. Sascha tried to keep her focus on her unnecessary breathing and Jasper's hand on her neck. She didn't want the world to close in on her again.
„Will it get better?" She didn't need to ask if he had felt the same back then. She knew. She could feel it.
„With time. I promise."
A long stretched moment passed. Without words, though not quite in silence. A breeze ruffled the treetops in the distance. Somewhere came the soft hooting of an owl in the mountains. The unused house appliances making their usual occasional noise. Jasper's fingers making scratching noises against her hair.
Eventually, minutes turned into an hour. Sascha had focused on the moonlight shifting slowly behind her closed eyelids.
„I thought everything would get easier now. And less scary," Sascha's voice was barely a whisper. Too low definitely for human ears to pick up on, „I was wrong."
„How so?"
„I got so used to just wait everything out. And now it's over, so now comes even more uncertainty. I had something to focus on, lots of distraction. Until now."
Jasper's hand stilled for a brief moment before he replied. „How about continuing where you left off?"
„It seems so impossible now." Sascha swallowed heavily at the thought. She would have to re-learn a lot of things, adjust greatly to what used to be her normal daily life. Keep secrets.
„You can make it work. I didn't know you as a human, but the way you adapted to everything that happened, I'm certain you will find a way to make it work with your life from before."
Sascha finally leaned back again to sit upright, Jasper pulled his hand back to himself. She smiled weakly, even if she knew it wasn't convincing. „I'll try to keep those words in mind."
Jasper frowned a little. „Your fear is understandable, though. Don't push it away."
Sascha breathed a laugh through her nose. She felt almost caught by him. Of course trying to put on a front wouldn't work.
„Yeah", her voice was down to a whisper again, before she spoke up once more, „It'll be weird having to lie to my friends. I think that's what scares me too. Not knowing what to say, and how they'll react. There's only so much I can explain away with the abduction. Skin hard as stone doesn't really fit that category."
They shared a chuckle then. It was too ridiculous in its own way.
Jasper shook his head with a small smile. „I must admit, I don't have a solution for that either. Only the knowledge that humans like to believe what they want. They are gullible in that way."
That elicited a genuine laugh from Sascha, even if it came out more like a snort. „Well, you're not wrong."
A moment of comfortable silence spread between the two. Sascha dipped deeper into her thoughts for a moment. She felt a pang of irony tugging in her gut. Yeah… talking actually helped.
Who would've thought.
Was being sarcastic at herself for actually exercising a healthy way to cope undermining said healthy coping? Probably. She'd get there. Eventually. That day had been entirely too overwhelming on its own, even excluding everything that happened leading up to that point.
The fight, Anna, the Volturi, Bree, the pack, Jacob getting hurt. Filtering through those thoughts, Sascha felt herself grow confused for a moment.
She looked up. „Jasper? Can I ask what happened with that girl? Bree?"
He seemed lost as to what exact situation she was referring to, but nodded nonetheless.
„I'm sorry if this is too personal. But I was a little surprised by your reaction to her, even after Esme explained she had surrendered."
It didn't go unnoticed by her how Jasper's shoulders tensed. „She was a newborn trained to kill us. I had to make sure."
„Yeah, I understand", Sascha nodded slowly, „I reckon I'm just confused in a way?"
„Confused?"
„Not to be weirdly self-indulgent", her tone rose as she tried to lift some of the tense mood again, „but I feel like if you had reacted even remotely similarly when I barged into your territory back then, I wouldn't be sitting here anymore."
Jasper seemed stumped for a brief moment, most likely reflecting back. „Nothing gets past your observance, does it?"
„Sorry not sorry, I guess?" Sascha couldn't stop the short laugh escaping her.
He shook his head with a chuckle of his own. „I hadn't realised my different reactions, to be honest. When I think back to it, you didn't pose as much of a threat."
„Even though we were all actively engaged in a fight?"
Jasper cocked his head to the side a little. „It doesn't make much sense to me as of right now either. Though I also recall being surprised by your reaction", he looked intently at her then, continuing when she frowned in confusion, „Usually, when encountering vampires with lots of bite marks, such as mine, there is a lot of animosity to be expected. Especially from newborns."
Sascha's brows rose in surprise. „Is that so?"
„It exudes immense threat. And you didn't even flinch at it."
„To be honest, I never even paid attention to them until you showed them to Bella that one day."
„Not to overstep, but sometimes it does seem like all your instincts are just… asleep."
Sascha chuckled. „Believe it or not, but you're not the first to tell me."
„I believe it", Jasper shook his head with a smile, „Maybe it was the combination then. Of you not feeling threatened, aside from the obvious fight, and thus not presenting as a bigger threat to us. Or me."
She nodded at his reasoning. „Could be."
„Whatever the case", he put a hand on her shoulder, warmth spreading through her, „I'm glad we came to a peaceful resolution. Wouldn't want to miss having you 'round here."
„Aw, you big softie", Sascha cooed and reached over to side-hug him around the waist, pulling herself to sit beside him, „I'm glad too."
Jasper draped his arm across her shoulder and they fell into a comfortable silence once more. Sascha did consider asking about how he was faring after having to feel another poor soul being killed at the hands of others. But she somehow got the feeling that he either did not want to talk about it, or already found peace with it. She chose to trust that he would have mentioned it earlier if it really were a bother to him.
After a while, Sascha felt Jasper perk up a little beside her. She looked at him with a curious look, smiling when she saw excitement pulling at his features.
„I've got an idea", he rose to his feet quickly, pulling Sascha up with him, „Come with me."
Sascha found herself giggling as Jasper swiftly pulled her through the house, and soon to the garage. She followed where he was looking. A similar excitement spread through her.
„You are a good friend, Jasper."
She almost had to stop herself from jumping on his motorcycle first. Even if accident-proof, being a vampire hadn't suddenly granted her the ability to drive such a vehicle. Probably… Either way, she reigned herself back and waited until she got on behind Jasper as he turned on the engine and reached for a remote to open the garage door. And out into the still dark night and fresh air they drove.
Sascha kept a tight grip on Jasper's shoulders as she leaned her head up, relishing in the air and wind around her face and in her hair. Enjoying that it didn't feel cold at all. Just freeing. A huge, genuine smile spread on her face. And as they drove deeper into the woods, soon snaking along the road up the mountains at high speeds, she could feel a similar energy coming off of Jasper.
A good friend indeed.
End Notes:
I just finished chapter 20, which I had been working on for months now (in between all my other stuff). I had some struggle getting the words down for that one, I think you'll know why when you read it. For now, I am happy and excited to give you this one! I really really enjoyed writing it. I don't know why, but it felt like getting a hug? If that makes sense?
I'm a sucker for comfort lol don't know if you could tell so far.
I hope you enjoyed reading! Let me know your thoughts in a comment, if you wish~ I'll always be curious and happy to read them.
Guest: I'm glad you liked it! And yes, we give credit where it's due in this house, Seth deserves more appreciation by the people around him.
jeoliverio: I agree with everything. I was thinking to write an AU chapter for the battle and have a different turn for Bree's fate. Let's see. Maybe we can get rid of some unnecessary death.
ShionHale: thank you for your comment~
Alright, that's it for today. The plan is for a normal upload on July 1st. See you then~ take care
Posted: 13.06.23
Last Edit: 13.06.23