Prompt: Can you do a drabble where Kensi deals with her guilt over leaving Deeks in 5x01 after he was tortured? He asked her to get him out that chair, that place and she didn't. He couldn't even look at her and what if they never had their goodbye scene at the end.
A/N: I finally finished all my grad school related stuff for a little while, so I'm getting back into some prompts.
"You gotta cut me loose."
Those words haunt her. She remembers the terror in his eyes, the little hitch in his voice as he forced the plea out, his eyes glazed with fear, and so much pain.
He'd been so desperate, so, so scared, yet she'd told him to wait. While he nearly choked on his own blood, Kensi had strapped the blood packs to his chest, hurriedly explained their plan to save Michelle's cover, and then left him.
Kensi will never forget the despair in his eyes when she told him she wasn't untying his wrists. That she expected him to keep his cover and pull on some non-existent strength.
Then she just walked away, leaving him to the mercy of Sidorov and his men.
If Deeks hates her, Kensi doesn't blame him, because she hates herself. Partners are supposed to protect each other, and she betrayed that trust. The guilt eats at Kensi as they follow Deeks and Sam to the hospital, while they plan how to stop Sidorov.
She doesn't know how Deeks finds the strength to leave his hospital bed to rescue Michelle, but it just shows that he's so much stronger than they've ever realized.
When it's all over, she wants to go to him, to comfort him and reassure herself that's he's still alive if not quite whole, but once again, duty takes precedence. There's a new crime scene to process, statements, paperwork. By the time it's all done, she hasn't seen Deeks in hours.
She tracks him down in the locker room. It's dim and she almost misses him hunched in the very corner of the room. He doesn't react at all as she approaches, and for a moment she's back in the garage when he was far to still.
"Deeks?" she whispers uncertainly. His head jerks up, and for a moment, there's blind terror in his eyes. "I didn't mean to startle you."
"No, I uh, I was just…" he trails off, gesturing around him, then ending with a shrug. Kensi takes another step forward, slowly.
"I was worried about you," Kensi admits.
"I think we're well past that point," he murmurs, tilting his head back, so his features are no longer set in shadows.
His injuries look even worse than a few hours ago; the bruises have continued to blossom into dark patches around his eyes and cheeks, his jaw painfully swollen. She's sure his unapproved excursion on the roof hadn't helped, and guilt surges through her once again.
Kensi aches to touch him, but she squeezes her fist tight against the urge. She's not sure Deeks would tolerate it.
"What do you mean?"
"It's not like much worse can happen." The desolation in his voice, so far removed from the teasing, vibrant partner she's used to is devastating. He pushes up from the bench, closing his eyes suddenly and he inhales sharply.
"Deeks," Kensi murmurs again, reaching to support him. "Let me take you home."
"No, I'm fine," he insists, slipping out of her grasp. She wants to go after him, to insist, but instead she stays frozen, lets him stumble out of the room.
And she hates herself even more.
A/N: So this is highly angsty, and perhaps a bit OOC for Deeks. But of course, his reactions are filtered through Kensi's guilt.