A/N: I had a lovely anon on Tumblr request a second part to this story where Deeks continues to be affected by his actions to protect Kensi.
Deeks held himself as still as possible. He was hyper-aware of Kensi's every breath, the tiniest twitch as she shifted under the covers. No more than a few inches separated them, but it might as well have been a deep, endless cavern because Deeks wouldn't dare let himself cross it.
Arms laid flat on either side, he inhaled shallowly; while his heart had stopped racing a couple minutes ago, he couldn't quiet the horrific images from his latest nightmare. Of course, the memories of what Deeks had done to Kensi haunted him when he was awake too. His dreams though, they managed to twist it into something infinitely worse.
They were in the warehouse, Kensi surrounded by armed men. She shot him a desperate look, begging him to step him. He charged at her, attacking without mercy. Only this time, he didn't stop. He kept pounding and pounding, until she couldn't fight back. Until she was flat on the ground, and blood pooled from her mouth and nose. Even when she begged him to stop, her voice weak and terrified, he kept hitting her.
As she stared up at him with disbelief and betrayal in his eyes, he laughed then. With Kensi dying on the cold concrete, he heard the echo of his father's laugh, and not his own.
Deeks shuddered at the memory, feeling sick all over again. Raising a trembling hand, he clumsily brushed his hair off his forehead. His skin was slick with sweat, and he felt slightly feverish.
He glanced over at Kensi, needing to assure himself one more time that she was alive. She lay with one hand tucked under cheek, the other spread in the opposite direction, and her legs splayed out in either direction. It was such a familiar position, and he had the sudden fear that just lying beside her would taint the peacefulness.
Quietly, he slid out of bed, and padded to the kitchen. It was still completely dark outside, so he turned on a light. After nights of little sleep, Deeks was running on pure will at this point, but he knew he wouldn't be able to sleep anymore. So he started setting up a fresh pot of coffee, losing himself in the mindless activity.
"Hey, what are you doing up?" Kensi croaked behind him.
In his jittery state, Deeks jerked at the unexpected intrusion, knocking over the basket of coffee grounds.
"Geez, baby, calm down." Kensi rushed to his side, reaching to help him clean the mess up, but skittered out of reach, immediately dropping his eyes to the wooden floor.
"It's fine. I'm sorry I woke you up. You should go back to bed," he said quickly.
"Not until you tell me why you're making coffee at three in the morning and won't look at me," she replied. A quick glance showed she had her arms crossed, brows narrowed in concern.
"I just couldn't sleep." He needed her to leave; he couldn't take her soft, sleep-rough voice any longer. It was tearing him apart.
"Baby, does this have anything to do with your nightmares?"
"How did you—?" he looked up in time to see Kensi smile in dismay at the confirmation.
"The circles under your eyes, the way you keep nodding off during dinner, and wake up way too early," she answered with a sad shrug. "And, you've been talking in your sleep. One time you cried."
Deeks turned away sharply, jaw tightening.
"Why did you wake me up?" What if Kensi had heard him say something from his dreams? He could only imagine the things that came out of his mouth in that state.
"I held you until it stopped."
Suddenly she was right in front of him. God, he was really off if he didn't notice her moving. She placed her hands on either side of him, bracing herself on the counter, and basically blocking any escape. Sure, he could break free if he really wanted to, but Deeks was still afraid of touching her at all let alone using any force.
"So, what are these dreams about? Was it one of the old ones?" she asked, following his gaze as he tried to evade.
"Kensi—"
"Deeks, I'm worried about you. Please, don't hide it from me."
His shoulders slumped; he never could deny Kensi when she pleased with him. And he was so tired.
"It's the warehouse," he whispered.
Kensi inhaled sharply, immediately understanding the reference. He reached out, running his fingers just above her cheekbone without actually touching. Though bruises had faded days ago, he could easily imagine the ugly purple and blue shading.
"I keep dreaming about that day, and when I attack you, I don't stop. Sometimes I stab you, or strangle you."
"Oh my god," Kensi gasped, but he barely heard it. Now that he'd started, it was like he'd opened a dam.
"Or I beat you until you stop breathing," he continued, voice breaking. "And, uh, the whole time, I hear my dad praising me. Only I'm not sure if it's him or me."
He sought out Kensi's eyes through the tears filming his vision.
"I'm so sorry, Kensi."
"No, you didn't do anything wrong," Kensi told him, sounding close to tears herself. Cupping his cheeks, she pressed their foreheads together, smoothing her thumbs along his jaw.
"But what if it woke up some part of me—"
"No." She interrupted him softly, yet without a hint of doubt. "No, you are nothing like your father. You are kind, and good, and honorable. Your dreams wouldn't worry you so much if you weren't."
"I'm still afraid to touch you," Deeks admitted.
Kensi slid her arms down to embrace him, guiding his head down to her shoulder. She held him for several long moments until he hesitantly fisted his hands against her back.
"I trust you," she murmured, echoing what she'd told him that day in the hospital.
He shuddered, his knees buckling as the last of his energy evaporated, and he sank to the floor, bringing Kensi with him. "I don't know what to do," he murmured. He pressed his palms to his eye sockets.
"Tomorrow we're going to call the therapist," Kensi said, pulling him against her side. He stiffened for a moment before relaxing into her side. "I think we both need to talk about this with someone."
As much as he hated the idea, he nodded. He was a mess, and if this helped, even a little bit, he was willing to try. "Ok."
"And no matter what, I'm going to keep holding you, and reminding you that those dreams aren't true."