A/N: anonkp over on Tumblr requested Deeks and Kensi at a therapy session. For review, in this story, Kensi asks Deeks to incapacitate her in order to protect her from some bad guys. It has a lingering effect on Deeks.
Deeks kept his eyes focused in the direction of the floor, his vision and kind elsewhere. In the last three days, the nightmares and guilt hadn't improved. If anything, they'd gotten worse since talking with Kensi.
Finally, when Deeks woke from a nightmare where he'd been steadily stabbing Kensi in the stomach, curled up in the corner of the room. According to Kensi, he'd been whimpering and calling her name but he didn't recall any of it. Which is why he was currently sitting in a small office instead of tracking a missing Lieutenant with the rest of the team.
He glanced around the room, focusing on the three potted succulents placed on the top shelf of the bookshelf across the room. Unfortunately, he'd become very familiar with the contents in the last several years; he knew exactly how many tiles lined the ceiling and had memorized the author of every book.
"Hey, are you doing ok?" Kensi asked, running her hand over his hunched back. Deeks shrugged, sandwiching his hands between his knees to hide the fine tremors.
"I'm here," he answered with a weak attempt at humor, but it fell flat.
"I know you don't want to, but you need help."
"I was just hoping to get beyond this without any help. I don't want to relive what, um, what happened, in front of another person."
Kensi sighed, settling on caressing the hair at the nape of his neck instead of responding.
A soft knock on the door had Deeks sitting straighter, his anxiety kicking into high gear once again as their therapist, Dr. Anu Dewan, stepped into the room.
"Deeks, Kensi, it's good to see you again," she greeted them in ever so slightly accented English as she took a chair opposite them. She didn't sound surprised at seeming them on short notice, but Deeks supposed after dealing with them for the last several years, she'd gotten accustomed to it.
She was a tiny woman with streaks of gray in her thick black hair and warm smile that usually put Deeks at ease. Not today though, he made the briefest of eye contact before focusing on the succulents again.
"Thank you for squeezing us in," Kensi said, discreetly resting her hand on the middle of his back.
"It's not a problem. I assume it was rather urgent." She nodded encouragingly. "So how can I help you today?"
Deeks stared at his knees, then glanced at Kensi, realizing she letting him take the lead.
"Last week there was a situation with our work where I, um, I had to hurt," his voice cracked and he inhaled quickly to recover himself. "I had to hurt Kensi."
"To protect me," Kensi added quickly, defensively. He felt her hand tighten on his back. "We were in a really terrible situation and I asked him to do it to save my life."
Dr. Dewan nodded, her expression giving nothing away. "I see. That must have been very difficult for both of you."
"It was one of the worst moments of my life," Deeks ground out. Kensi stilled beside him, but he didn't look at her, needing to get it out now while he could. "I've been having dreams about it ever since."
"And the dreams relive that moment?" Dr. Dewan asked.
"Sometimes. Usually it changes and I'm hurting Kensi more than I did that night. I stab her or strangle her until she stops breathing." His breath hitched and he realized he was rocking back and forth slightly. "And I like it. I like hurting her."
"Deeks," Kensi whispered, but Dr. Dewan held up her hand.
"Let him speak, Kensi."
"I'm terrified of hurting Kensi again. What I did, it woke something up in me and I don't know if I can ever fix it." He inhaled, chest shuddering as he tipped his head back.
"That must be very disconcerting. I understand your fears, but do you really think you want to hurt Kensi?" Dr. Dewan asked. "Marty, look at me, please."
He forced himself to meet her gaze, expecting to see recrimination and disgust underneath her. Instead, he found warmth and understanding. Which was so much worse.
"Tell me, do you want to hurt your wife?"
"Of course not! You know my history, my dad—"
"Yes, he abused you and your mother. I know that left a indelible mark on you and you've feared becoming like him. Everything that I know about you though, tells me that you would never hurt Kensi intentionally or otherwise. You are not becoming like the man who hurt you so badly."
"You haven't seen my dreams," Deeks said. "They're horrific. And I can't chance that."
Turning to Kensi, Dr. Dewan addressed her, "Kensi, do you ever fear Deeks? Do you feel unsafe in his presence? Sharing your home?"
"Never," Kensi answered immediately and emphatically. "I do and will always trust Deeks with my life. Always, Deeks." She said the last part directly to him, briefly cupping his cheek. "I trust you."
He closed his eyes, letting her pull him closer. For a moment, it was just the two of them, and he let himself find comfort in her embrace. That awful feeling crept back again far too soon, and he pushed himself back.
"So, how do we fix me?" he asked. "I mean, can we fix me?"
"Deeks, you are not broken. You are traumatized," Dr. Dewan told him. "There is the new trauma created by your actions to protect as well as the trauma reawakened from your past. First, we're going to work on managing your symptoms to lessen those nightmares."
"Kensi trusts you, Deeks, and I will help you trust yourself again too."
"Thank you," he murmured, clinging to her reassurance like a lifeline.