Prompt: Can you write about what would have happened if Kensi really did lose Deeks in Mother and how she'd blame Hetty for his death?
A/N: I will readily admit that this is overly angsty and dramatic. Hetty does come off too well. As is my tendency of late. Yes, this is a death fic.
Kensi stumbled into the mission. Someone had driven her there, though she couldn't tell who. Her mind and body felt numb. Like it belonged to someone else.
"Kensi. Kensi!"
Someone grabbed her arm, and she jerked back, the opposite hand coming up in a defensive fist as she swung around.
"Woah, Kensi, it's just me," Sam said, leaning out of her reach, hands raised in the air.
He hadn't been there, she recalled, the thought just as hazy as everything almost everything else. Or Callen.
"Is it true? Deeks is—?" Sam swallowed heavily, looking down and to the left, questions left unfinished.
For the first time, something pricked at the back of her mind, painful and inconceivable, and she pushed it back. She had a mission, a purpose, and she couldn't be distracted.
"What happened?" he asked instead.
"The building exploded," she answered woodenly. "There wasn't enough time to—there wasn't enough time."
In her mind, she saw Deeks' horrified and panicked look, the fear, the dismay in his eyes, as they realized they were out of options. He'd made her leave. Used every last bit of his power, pleaded with her, until she finally gave in, hating herself with every second, and left.
Sam embraced her unexpectedly, arms engulfing her, his chest solid and warmth against the side of her face. "Kensi, I am so sorry," he whispered in her ear. His voice shook.
Kensi squeezed her eyes shut, but didn't return the gesture, arms hanging loosely at her sides.
Finally, Sam stepped back, the sheen of tears on his cheeks. He shook his head and swiped his hand under his nose.
"We would have come, Kensi—"
"You had things to do. I understand," she said, her numbness disguising and bitterness she felt. She glanced around the bullpen, towards the desk sat upon its pedestal. "Where's Hetty?"
"Hold on a second, Kensi. We should get you checked out first."
"I'm fine."
"Kens, you're bleeding," Sam said gently, gesturing to her arm. She held it up, staring at the slash in her shirt, a long cut peeking through. An uneven patch of blood surrounded the boarders of the tear. Distantly, she noticed there were small holes along with smears of something dark. Some of the shrapnel must have hit her when the bomb—
"It's nothing," she repeated. "I need to speak with Hetty."
"She upstairs."
She moved past Sam, her purpose giving her strength to climb the stairs, and then she stood in front of the doors. When they slid open, she had a brief glimpse of Nell sitting at one of the tech stations, head buried on her hands, with Eric standing over her, hands on her shoulders. And in the middle of it all, Hetty.
Kensi walked through, marching straight up to Hetty. She heard Nell whisper her name, but ignored it. Hetty's eyes widened ever so slightly, but she stood her ground.
"Was it worth it?" Kensi whispered.
"Kensi, my dear, you shouldn't be here," Hetty responded slowly, carefully. Like Kensi was someone who needed to be managed. A damaged creature.
"Was all the manipulation, the games, the controlling people's lives worth it? Was gaining your perfect soldiers worth Deeks' life?"
Hetty made a small sound of distress, and it woke he anger in Kensi. She suddenly wanted to smack her.
"I never intended for any of this to happen," she said. "You must know that, Kensi."
"Oh, I'm sure you didn't," Kensi replied with a laugh that sounded deranged and acidic to her own ears. "Somehow you just always seem to be the one responsible when people are hurt. Because you are the reason Deeks is gone. You are the reason a deranged, hurt, angry man decided to trap us in a rigged building."
Hetty took a step back, her face blanching as Kensi's voice and anger rose.
"Deeks is dead, Hetty." Her voice cracked and a brutal pain stabbed through her chest. "I didn't even get to hold him one more time before he was gone. I left him in that building, scared and alone, waiting to die."
Kensi didn't attempt to stop the tears that filled her eyes now, or the shaking of her hands. She was beyond that control now.
"And I blame you for that, Hetty. I blame you for my husband's death, for cutting his life short, for destroying our future. And I blame you for never learning to stop."
"Kensi, if I could change what happened, I would," Hetty murmured, reaching for her hand. Kensi stepped back, nostrils flaring with disgust and hatred.
"But you can't. You can't bring him back." Kensi felt a tear slip down her cheek. "You can't let me kiss Deeks one more time. He's gone." Shaking her head, Kensi turned her back on Hetty, brushing past Sam, ignoring Nell's worried call.