I am leaving the (maybe obvious) disclaimer here: I don't know anything about universities in the USA, especially not in Texas. I know that East Texas Tech, the college Sheldon attended as a teenager, is a fictional college, but I still mention it in this chapter, because it exists in the TBBT-universe. I am also not completely up to date with watching YS, because the new episodes are not available yet where I live. I just assumed that, since Sheldon moved away from Texas so young, that this fictional university does not have a post-grad program, so if there is anything that contradicts what I wrote here, please let me know.
Also, I know, lately my chapters have been longer than usual. Because I chose to do it this way, with alternating POV's, somehow every chapter is a short story in itself and even though I have already cut a lot of content from them (mostly more conversations, but sadly I also had to cut two M-rated parts; I plan on making up for those during the honeymoon chapters though), they just keep getting longer and longer. I am hoping to get the next few chapters to a normal length again, but until then, I hope you will have enough patience to read through those monster chapters.
Couldn't stand to be kept away
Just for the day from your body
Wouldn't wanna be swept away
Far away from the one that I love
Balancing Heaven And Earth
Chapter 15 – "Hard to say I'm sorry"
Amy's POV:
~ A little less than three years ago ~
Amy was in an exceptionally good mood when she opened her car door.
Spring break was around the corner.
She felt she was finally getting the hang of teaching. Even her colleagues were starting to warm up to her.
And of course… her favorite part of the day was about to start.
Tea-time with her roomie.
"Hey Connie. I'm home.", she called out happily as she opened the front door.
She loved her life right now. It just felt so good, coming home to this comfy place to a person that was actually looking forward to spending time with her.
"I brought pastries from the little bakery you like so much. Come on, let's have tea and then you can tell me the latest gossip about…"
She stopped in her tracks as she went into the kitchen area.
Connie was sitting at the table. It looked as if she had already prepared tea.
"Hello Amy.", she said in a serious tone. "I was indeed hoping to have tea with you today. Come have a seat. Let's talk."
Amy studied Connie's face. She did not like this. Something was up.
Anxiety crept up her spine.
What was this about?
Oh no, had she overstayed her welcome in Connie's house? Was that it? Did she have to move out and find a place of her own?
Maybe Connie finally had enough of her. Maybe she was getting on the old woman's nerves after all.
"Connie, I…", she stuttered.
"I am not asking you to move out, Amy.", her friend said, smiling at her warmly as if she had read her mind just now. "I don't know how much longer it will take for you to fully believe me, but I love having you here. That is not what this is about."
Amy exhaled relieved.
But what else could there be?
Connie could not have possibly found about her connection to her grandson, right? Not that there had ever been a real connection other than the one in her dreams. And she had always been careful not to ask too many questions about him.
"What… uhm… what is this about then, Connie?", she asked warily and sat down, putting the bag with the pastries on the table.
"Did you have a nice day at work?", the old woman asked her.
It seemed like an innocent question, but somehow it appeared very loaded right now.
"I… uhm… I guess.", Amy answered carefully.
"It can't be easy, explaining scientific principles to teenagers. Especially for a… simple woman who has spent her adult life travelling the world. A woman who… was still figuring out what to do or who to be. That's what you told me at least. What were your credentials again, Amy? You went to some college at the East Coast, studying this and that before spending a few years in California from where you started your journey across the world?"
Oh crap. It looked like Connie had found out something.
"Connie… what exactly do you know?"
Only now did she notice the stack of magazines lying on the table.
"Not much.", Connie said simply. "But enough to realize you are not who you said you were. Enough to know, you are capable of much more than you led me to believe. These papers… I might not be an expert, but I know these are written by an extremely intelligent person. You are a genius, Amy. Or should I say Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler."
Her heart pounded heavily in her chest at this use of her full name. She hadn't thought of herself this way in a long time. It was so far in the past.
"I… I'm sorry, Connie.", Amy said quietly and averted her eyes.
"You don't have to be sorry, dear.", her friend said and reached for her hand. "You are not obligated to tell me everything. And just so you know, I was not snooping. You forgot to close your window this morning and there was a draft, so I went to close it and then I saw these magazines on the windowsill. I am sorry for being curious. But I can't help but wonder what the story is behind all of this. What are you running from? Or who? Are you in any kind of danger? Am I in danger for housing you? Don't get me wrong, I would still house you. But I would make sure my rifle is loaded at all times."
Amy smiled softly. This was Connie as she lived and breathed. She almost sounded excited at the prospect of a little adventure.
"It's not like that, Connie.", she promised. "I am not running from anyone. I'm just… trying to be happy."
"Yeah, I am going to need more than that.", Connie told her impatiently.
Amy sighed deeply. She had never planned on telling anyone about this. But with Connie… she kind of had to. After everything the woman had done for her, she deserved to be trusted.
"Okay then.", she conceded. "So… as you know, I grew up in Glendale, California…."
Over the next hour, she told Connie everything about her education. About the bullying she had to endure. About her controlling mother. And then about being valedictorian and getting into Harvard on a full scholarship when she was sixteen. About her career as a Neurobiologist. About how she was successful but also alone and friendless all her life. Even about going on a blind date and being mugged, although of course she left out the part about being set up with Sheldon. She would never let out that secret.
Connie listened carefully. At one point she got up to spike her tea with some kind of alcohol, which she offered to Amy as well.
Amy declined of course. Although she didn't mind drinking with Connie occasionally, today she wanted to avoid being inebriated and telling Connie more than she wanted to.
"So… you really are a genius.", Connie concluded, when Amy had finished her story.
"I… I guess so.", Amy admitted.
"You are a genius… just like Sheldon.", Connie mused.
Amy's heart leaped as she was compared to the man of her dreams.
"And you are running from it.", the old woman added. "You have been running for years. You have been running… not from unhappiness. But from yourself."
"Connie… that's not true.", Amy protested.
"It is absolutely true, my dear.", Connie insisted. "And you cannot keep running for the rest of your life."
"I'm not.", Amy protested. "I am so much happier now than I ever was. I am doing what I am supposed to be doing."
"Are you sure, Amy? Look at these journals, then look me straight in the eye and tell me, a woman who wrote these kinds of papers should be teaching science at a High School in East Texas for the rest of her life. I believe, you are lying to yourself."
"I am happy, Connie.", Amy repeated quietly, smiling slightly. "I have… so much more right now than I had before. You have given me so much more. I don't want to go back to a life where all that matters is my work. I want… this. You. Having friends. Not being alone… That's who I am now. A woman with a buzzing social life. And I like my job."
Connie seemed to study her. She seemed to be sad somehow.
"All this time… I thought I was helping you, Amy. By getting you out of your shell and introducing you to people. Tell me. Did I make a mistake?"
"No.", Amy said, her eyes filling with tears. "No, Connie. What you have done for me… it is the best thing anyone has ever done for me. Please don't make it sound like you regret having me live here with you."
Connie grasped her hand and patted it reassuringly.
"You know how much I love having you live here with me, Amy. Please don't ever think otherwise. But I am wondering… When you moved in with me, you said you would probably just help out at the school for a semester and then be on your way again. And now, the semester is over, and you are still here, which I am very happy about. But I cannot help but wonder, if I made it too comfortable… too easy for you to just hide from who you truly are. And I don't want you to wake up one day and realize that you regret missing an opportunity because of it."
"It is true, I did only plan on staying for one semester.", Amy admitted. "But I like it here. I've never been happy anywhere. But here… I have been happy almost from the start. And while I might leave again someday, I don't want to leave just yet."
This was at least one part of the truth.
She could not exactly tell Connie that there was more to it. That she was curious to at least once meet the infamous Sheldon Cooper and was hesitant to leave before that was possible.
Connie sighed deeply.
"Look, Amy, this is your life. Only you can decide what makes you happy. So, I am asking you. Are you done with science? You do not miss it? Are you really happier being a teacher?"
Amy lowered her gaze.
She wished she could say yes to that.
Her life would be so much easier, if it weren't for those longing dreams she sometimes had at night. Of standing in her lab and making big discoveries. Of contributing to understanding the human brain in ways that not many people could.
"I don't know.", she breathed out.
"Oh Amy…", Connie sighed. "I just wish I knew what to do. I wish Sheldon were here. He would understand. Although, he would probably rip you a new one."
"What?", Amy croaked.
Connie smiled fondly and shook her head.
"Did I ever tell you about the time when he went to the North Pole?"
"Shel… your grandson was at the North Pole? Wow…"
Not even she had been at the North Pole. And she had been just about everywhere.
"He was there on an expedition. Something with magnets, I don't know. Big sciency stuff. Anyway. His friends were there with him. And they did something with his experiments. I don't understand the details, but Sheldon said, it was humiliating."
"Oh…", Amy answered. She did not understand where Connie was going with this, but she gobbled up this additional information about Sheldon.
"Anyway, he came back here then.", Connie continued. "He said he quit his job. That his career was over. And that he would stay here for the rest of his life and teach evolution to creationists. It's funny if you think about it. You two really have a lot in common."
Amy gasped.
"Sheldon wanted to end his career? And become a teacher? What happened then?"
"His friends came and got him.", she said simply. "And even though they caused this dilemma in the first place, I am eternally grateful for them being in his life. I just wish you had someone to look out for you as well. Someone who understands this part of you better than I do."
"Connie…", Amy croaked, slightly embarrassed.
"I mean it, Amy. I cannot for the life of me understand why you did not have friends in California. I love my moonpie, but even I have to admit that you are much easier to get along with. If only you two had met. He would not let you walk away from science. Although… he would probably drag you away from here, and then I would lose you. So… maybe I should be careful with what I'm wishing for."
For a second, Amy imagined it.
Sheldon showing up at Connie's front door. On a horse. Bareback and bare chested. Swooping her up and riding off with her into the sunset.
Oh no. Bad thoughts. Stop it, Amy. Focus. Focus.
"It wouldn't be his decision though, would it?", Amy said, raising her eyebrows.
After all, Sheldon Cooper had lost the right to get a say in her future plans the day he had just left her there at that coffee shop without even saying hello to her.
"Of course not.", Connie agreed. "And I am not saying it is. I just think… if he were in your life… if you two could talk about all the things you have in common… then maybe you would find a way to live a happy life without giving up this part of yourself."
She shrugged. "Maybe. We'll probably never know."
"Oh Amy.", Connie said and smiled at her. "I will never bother you with this topic again. Just… can you promise me something?"
"What?", Amy asked tentatively.
"It's fine if you need to hide out a little longer. From yourself or from your old life. Just… promise me, you won't hide forever. Because this…", she pointed to the magazines in front of her. "This is big. And you should not give it up for good, unless you are absolutely sure about it."
~ Back in the present ~
"Oh Connie…", Amy sighed as she sat down in the grass in front of her friend's grave. "How I wish I could talk to you today. Although, I am not sure you would want to hear it. After all, this is about your moonpie, so it would probably be him, you would be supporting today. But still. I would really, really like to get to talk to you about this."
She wiped away a tear from her face as she thought about the conversation that had happened the night before.
It all had started out so beautifully.
Cuddled up together on Connie's couch, like so often before. Happy to be here again after this amazing week in Pasadena.
She didn't think it was possible, but for some reason, she felt even closer to Sheldon than she did before this week.
Not just because of the way he had supported her during the visit with her parents. Or the beautiful day they had spent at Wizarding World.
But also, because of the way, their relationship had felt.
Unlike during the summer, Sheldon had just been Sheldon. Not Medford-Sheldon or Pasadena-Sheldon, but a combination of those two. A Sheldon who enjoyed doing activities with his friends but was also attentive to her and made time for just the two of them, not because he felt obligated but because he wanted to.
At least that was what she had thought.
And then, Sheldon had dropped this bomb on her.
Starting with the foreboding words: "I need to tell you something."
Amy was no fool. She had known for a while that something had been bothering Sheldon. He had looked at her strangely sometimes, as if he wanted to tell her something.
She had been curious about that at times.
But nothing could have prepared her for what Sheldon had to say to her.
To his credit, he did not beat around the bush. He did not try to appear in a better light. He just told her everything that had been happening.
Starting with that fateful meeting between his bosses, Kripke and himself.
When he got to the part about his agreement with his Siebert, Amy removed her hands from his and scooted two inches away from him.
To get a better look at his face. But also, because she needed a little bit of distance between them. It was too confusing.
"I don't understand.", she croaked. "You told your boss we would be moving to Pasadena at the end of the schoolyear? Five months from now? But… why did you not tell me then? Why have we never discussed it?"
He squeezed his eyes shut, and when he looked at her again, he looked even more guilty.
"Just wait… there's more.", he mumbled before he continued with his story.
He told her about what his friends had said then. How they told him to tell her. How they assumed she would surely be willing to move to Pasadena. And how he was afraid that this was true. That she would do this for him instead of for herself.
And then that ridiculous plan he had come up with.
It made her move away another two inches. Even if it hurt. Even if she saw Sheldon wince when she did it. She needed space.
She had gasped for air, when she heard about Sheldon's friends' involvement in everything. The whiteboard. The brainstorming.
Her cheeks heat up when she realized that she had been the topic of a very peculiar conversation. How could those people, that had only spent a few weeks with her during the summer, talk about her personal life like that? Including her… love life with Sheldon.
She knew, Sheldon and his friends talked about almost everything to each other, but she had not expected them to talk about her this way.
She felt… exposed. Naked. Humiliated.
By the time Sheldon was finished, after he had confessed how everyone had tried to coax her into moving to Pasadena, she was sitting at the opposite side of the couch from him. One inch more, and she would have been sitting on the armrest.
"You… you kept all of this from me? For… more than three months? Sheldon… how could you?"
She could see his lower lip tremble for a second.
"Yes.", he said, avoiding her gaze.
That's when she realized how hard this was for him, but right in that moment, she could not allow herself to care about it.
"You… made the plan for us to move to Pasadena without telling me. You plotted with your friends how to best manipulate me into agreeing to it. Even though it was not necessary. I remember distinctly that I offered to quit my job and move with you more than once during this time. Still, you made everyone keep this from me. You… you…"
"I did not want to manipulate you.", he protested. "And the fact that you offered to quit your job is the exact reason why I kept this from you. I wanted to make sure you were happy with moving and wouldn't just do it for me. I only tried to figure out where I went wrong over the summer. How I could make sure you were happy."
She stared at him. Did he not realize how ridiculous this sounded?
"Happy on your terms.", she exclaimed. "Happy in Pasadena. Happy with the life you wanted for us. And… instead of just being upfront with me, you told your friends things about me. Intimate things about our love life. Sheldon… I… I don't know what to say."
Her eyes filled with tears. She hated this. She did not want to be angry with Sheldon. But she could not help it.
The past three months replayed in her mind.
The days she had spent in Pasadena in September. The times Penny and Bernadette had called her during girl's night. Their visit in Medford. And… the past week. The week she had enjoyed so much.
Was it all just a big lie?
"I cannot believe you would try to manipulate me like that.", she croaked, more tears running down her cheeks.
"I was never trying to manipulate you.", Sheldon protested.
"Then how would you call it, Sheldon?", she said, a bit louder than she had wanted to. "You gave your boss a promise. You decided that moving back to Pasadena was the right course of action after specifically promising me that we would be making all life-changing decisions together. And then, instead of discussing it, you tried to make me… figure out… that you were right? By behaving in a way, you thought I would like? With your friends helping you pull the strings along the way? How is that not manipulative?"
Sheldon's hands seemed to be shaking, and she could see tears gathering in his eyes as well now.
He took a long time to answer, as he was blinking rapidly, probably pondering what she had just said.
Then he lowered his head and looked on the floor.
"I'm sorry, Amy.", Sheldon mumbled, his voice trembling. "I guess… when you put it like that, it does come off as manipulative. But it was not my intention. I thought… I was doing the right thing. I told myself it was okay, because the decision was not final and that I would cancel the agreement and stay in Medford in case that's what you wanted. But I know now that it was all a mistake. I should have never kept this from you. In fact, I should have just let Siebert give my office away in the first place. I should…"
He tried to scoot closer to her, but she held up her hand, signalizing him to stay away. Even if it almost killed her, she couldn't stand the thought of touching him right now.
"We had so much sex.", she realized. "When I came to Pasadena after we spent those four days apart. And then again, this past week. Was that… did you also just… do it to make sure I was happy?"
"What?", he croaked wide-eyed. "Of course not."
Amy shook her head sadly. She did not know if she could believe him. If she could believe anything right now.
"Amy, please…", he begged. "I know I messed up. I made a lot of mistakes. But… I swear, I was never trying to manipulate you with intimacy. I would never do that."
"Then how do you explain the difference to how we were over the summer? How… I mean… Oh God, you even asked me once. You wanted to know what to do to make me feel more at home in your apartment. You even brought up more intimacy. I thought you were joking but… you… Sheldon… how could you do this?"
She was starting to feel sick. This was a nightmare.
"Amy, no.", he protested. "No, please listen to me. You don't understand."
She could feel the tears falling freely from her eyes. Her head was spinning and through her blurry vision, she could see him move closer to her. She did not have the strength to stop him anymore, and when she felt his hands around her shoulders, it felt equally soothing and sickening to her.
"I never was intimate with you for any other reason than I love you and I want you. Please, Amy. You know that. You must know that."
She was shaking all over.
In her heart, she did know that this last thing was the truth. At least she thought she knew it. But right now, she wasn't sure if she could trust her instincts anymore.
"But… why?", she repeated, not even sure what she was asking.
"Why were we more intimate than over the summer?", he implored.
She just nodded. Yes. That was a good question.
"I thought about it.", he admitted. "I didn't even realize how… inactive… we were in that regard over the summer until afterwards. I think… this is just one of the things that work differently about me than they do with most other people."
She waited for him to continue, unable to say anything right now.
"I just… seem to get distracted easily. Especially in Pasadena, maybe because intimacy was never part of my life when I still lived there. And when I don't actively think about it… I tend to forget about it. But I want you to be happy and satisfied. And I enjoy being with you that way. I enjoy it more than I could have ever thought. So, I chose to make it a habit to remind myself of it. For your sake and for mine. This had nothing to do with my plan, Amy. If anything… it was a very welcome side effect."
Amy took a few deep breaths before she dared to look at him.
"Please believe me.", he whispered, stroking her shoulder softly.
And when she saw the expression in his eyes she knew, no matter how mad she was at him about everything else, at least this one thing was the truth.
"You still kept things from me, Sheldon.", she said and studied his face as she said it. "Big things. And… I don't know what to make of it. I am… I am… hurt. And… I don't know how to process any of this."
"I am sorry, Amy.", he said, his voice small. "It was all a mistake. All of it. It took me a while to realize that. And… I want you to know, I am trying to undo it. I already requested a meeting with Siebert. I will tell him that I lied to him. And that he can give my office away."
Amy blinked.
The agreement with Siebert – while shocking and unexpected – was by no means the worst thing he had done in her mind. But it made her wonder about something else.
"Then… why are you telling me this right now, Sheldon?", she whispered. "I mean, don't get me wrong. You should have told me. Three months ago. But… Why are we having this conversation right now?"
It was confusing. How was he benefitting from this, when he was trying to undo it anyway?
"Because you have a right to know.", he told her sincerely. "Amy, as crazy as it sounds right now, initially I truly believed I was not doing anything wrong. I did not understand how hurtful my actions were. And when I figured out that I made a mistake… I knew I had to tell you. I know you are upset… but can you believe me when I tell you, I did not mean to harm you or our relationship in any way?"
Amy swallowed deeply as she pondered his words.
She was still hurt. Upset. Utterly confused. Floored, really.
But she had to admit… yes. She did believe him that at least.
He had made a mistake. A grave mistake. There was nothing to be said to refute that.
However, she could see in his eyes that he was sincere. He had not meant to hurt her. He had screwed up. Big time. But not out of malicious intent.
"Amy?", he implored, still holding on to her shoulders.
"This is a lot to take in, Sheldon.", she confessed. "I have no idea how to deal with it. I… I guess I do believe you, but that does not change the fact that I am… completely overwhelmed with this situation right now. I just… don't understand. I don't know how to react. I am…", she sobbed. "I am…"
He pulled her into his arms, and she sobbed into his chest.
"I'm sorry.", he breathed out. "I am so sorry, Amy."
Was it strange that she let herself be comforted by the man who was putting her through this emotional turmoil in the first place?
Maybe.
But he was not just that. Despite the pain she was feeling right now, this was still Sheldon. Her Sheldon. The man who – she knew that – loved her deeply with all his heart and would never intentionally do anything to hurt her.
And so, she looked up to him, chewing on her bottom lip.
"We need to talk about this, Sheldon. But… I don't think I can right now.", she said, shaking her head helplessly. "I'm… confused. And I feel emotionally exhausted. There's no way we can solve this now. So… maybe we should just put a pin into this. Pause this conversation. And get some sleep."
He nodded.
"Alright. So… I assume… you want me to sleep on the couch tonight?", he offered.
Amy's lips trembled again.
Yes. Part of her wanted him to sleep elsewhere tonight. And yet again, no, she couldn't stand the thought of not being in his arms when she was feeling like this.
Ugh, this was all so confusing.
"I don't want to sleep separate from you.", she finally told him. "I just… Sheldon, I'm upset. And yes, I guess, I should put you in the metaphorical doghouse. But… I also need you. Does that make sense?"
He shrugged.
"Don't ask me. I've never been in this situation before."
She couldn't help but chuckle.
It was crazy.
There they were. Two grown adults who had never gone through real relationship troubles before.
Maybe it did not matter if it made sense. As long as it made sense to them.
"Go use the bathroom.", he told her gently, stroking her cheek. "I'll join you in bed soon."
She took a long time in the bathroom then.
She scrubbed herself under the shower, trying to get rid of these strange feelings. She put on lotion, trying to figure out what the next steps were. She brushed her hair and put it into a ponytail, hoping that soon, everything would make sense again.
And then she lay down in bed, closed her eyes in the hopes of falling asleep soon.
When Sheldon joined her, he very hesitantly wrapped an arm around her from behind.
"Is this okay?", he whispered, and Amy could feel tears gathering in her eyes again, because it felt so wrong, that he felt he had to ask this.
She covered his hand with hers and looked up to the painting he had gifted her for his birthday.
Fly with me.
"Yes.", she said. "It's okay. Because… we are going to be okay. Sheldon."
"Are you sure?"
He sounded so small as he asked this.
So, she turned her head around to look at him before she pecked his lips softly.
"We are always going to be okay. That's what you said on my birthday. And while we have… things to figure out… it is still true. It will always be true."
He released a big sigh of relief and his grip around her tightened.
It took a long time for her to fall asleep and she only slept for a few hours.
It was a restless sleep, and the thought carousel in her mind kept spinning endlessly.
Around 4 am, she got up. Then she sat down on the couch, pondering her next move.
She felt restless. She wanted to be alone with her thoughts for a while, but she did not want to leave while Sheldon was asleep.
Because even if she was hurt and disappointed, she did not want him to worry.
"Amy? What are you doing out there?"
She looked up and saw that he was standing there a few steps away from the couch, still in his pajamas.
The situation felt painfully familiar to her.
She got up and walked towards him.
"I couldn't sleep.", she confessed.
"I understand."
He looked guilty.
"Sheldon." – "Amy.", they said at the same time.
She took a deep breath, pondering her next words.
"Sheldon… I think I am going to take a walk now. And I might be gone for a few hours."
"You're running from me.", he stated.
"No.", she shook her head and took both his hands in hers as she looked up to him.
There was a myriad of feelings visible in his eyes.
But the most prominent was fear.
"I am not running from you, Sheldon.", she said calmly. "This is not like the time in your apartment on the day of the competition. I ran from you then and I am not doing it again. Ever."
He swallowed deeply.
"Then why are you going? And… when are you coming back?"
"Sheldon… I am going because… we are about to have a very serious conversation. And I need to clear my head before that. I need to… come to terms with what you told me. I need to sort through my feelings. But I assure you, I will be coming back, and we will talk. There is no reason to be scared or to worry. Okay?"
He sighed deeply.
"I do not like this.", he admitted, and she squeezed his hands in return. "I do not like the thought of waiting here and not knowing what thoughts will be running through your head. I am scared."
Amy tried to swallow away the dryness in her throat.
She needed to go. But she also needed to make sure they would both be okay.
"What exactly are you scared of, Sheldon?", she whispered.
"I am scared that… you will realize that you cannot trust me anymore and I am too much work, and you're better off without me. That you…"
She stood on her tiptoes and silenced him with a kiss.
"None of this is going to happen.", she said firmly. "I will take a walk. Maybe I'll find a bench somewhere to sit down and think. I will think about what you told me. I will figure out if I need to ask you more questions about it. I do still trust you, Sheldon even if it is hard right now. But one mistake does not erase everything we've been through together. However, I need you to trust me too. Enough so you can let me go now."
She could see that he was not happy about this.
He breathed out shallowly.
"I love you.", he whispered as he pulled her against his chest. He wrapped his arms around her body and squeezed her to him, almost to the point of pain.
Amy buried her face in his chest.
A part of her – a big part – wanted to stay here. Tell him to just forget about everything. He had made a mistake and confessed to it. He was sorry. She knew she would forgive him eventually. So, why not just stay here? Enjoy a quiet day until the New Year's festivities tonight? Carry on as if nothing had happened?
It was tempting.
But she knew, everything she had just said to Sheldon was true. She needed to think.
"I love you too.", she whispered back. Then she pulled away and kissed his lips softly once more. "I'll be back soon. Please don't worry."
"Alright.", he relented and stepped back from her, his body still looking tense.
With a heavy heart, she left him then and went on her way, hoping he would do something to distract himself. Maybe play a video game. Or call one of his friends.
Because even if the situation was very different from the day of the competition, she absolutely did not want to find him passed out from a panic attack on the floor of a bathroom again.
And then she walked.
Away from the house she considered her first happy home.
Away from the man she considered her first and only love.
She wasn't really able to think. But moving her feet felt good and so she just kept walking, as if to flee the confusing thoughts in her head.
For a second, she considered calling Missy to talk it through. But even if she was her best friend, Missy was also Sheldon's twin sister and she felt it was not her decision to share this.
Then she thought about visiting Jared. But she knew, no matter how close friends Jared and Sheldon had become, Jared would probably not understand if she told him what had happened.
Almost no one here in Medford would understand Sheldon's thought process in this. And she did not want anyone to think less of him.
Because strange as it was… Amy did not think less of Sheldon either. She was disappointed, yes. For the way he had kept this from her.
And yet, other than making this ridiculous plan, Sheldon hadn't really done anything. He hadn't even brought her to Pasadena in all these months.
Part of her wanted to believe that the reason for it was, that deep inside, Sheldon hadn't really wanted to deceive her in any way. And she had to think back to all the occasions, when she had asked Sheldon what the right decision for their future was. Never, not even once, had he tried to push her towards Pasadena.
If it really had been his plan to manipulate her, then he could have done much more. And, if she was honest, he would have probably succeeded, and she would be living in his old apartment right now.
So yes, the thing she was mad about was that he had not talked to her about the problems with his boss. She could have helped him find a solution.
And of course for involving his friends in a matter that should have been private.
She could not for the life of her understand how they all could go along with it. Had it not occurred to any of them what a bad idea this was?
For a brief moment, she considered calling Penny or Bernadette and demand an explanation for their involvement in all of this.
But she was not ready to have a conversation with them.
So, after more than two hours of walking aimlessly, she decided to visit the one person she knew would be able to understand. Even if she could no longer express it.
"Oh, Connie…", she repeated what she had already said before. "I know, in his own twisted way, he meant well. I know he did not mean to hurt me. But still… why does this have to be so messy?"
She wiped away another tear.
"I know he said the truth. I understand what he was thinking. I get that… he was desperate and that his promise to Siebert was a spur of the moment thing. I understand why he did not want to tell me initially. And he's right. I would have quit my job and moved for him. It's what I was expecting to do eventually anyway. So, yes, as twisted as it is, I do get the logic behind this plan. But… there were so many times when he could have come clean. I mean… three months, Connie. He kept this from me for three months. How could he not realize that this was wrong?"
She took a deep breath.
"I mean, in his defense… at least he told me. Although it took him very long to figure it out, he did tell me as soon as he realized his mistake. He did not just try to undo it and hope I would never find out. It cannot have been easy for him, and he did it, even though he knew how mad I would be. I have to give him that."
Her lips trembled.
This was so confusing.
She wanted to be mad at Sheldon. And stay mad at him for a while. This was not how one behaved in a long-term committed relationship with someone one was about to marry.
It was selfish. Inconsiderate. Short-sighted.
But also…
"He's trying his best, Connie.", she whispered. "This whole situation is not easy on him. Being stuck between these two places. Getting pressured by his boss this way. Staying here with me while his life in Pasadena continues without him. I get it. And… at least he was honest now. But… I just wish he would have confided in me. Instead of sharing these personal things about me with his friends."
She snorted.
"And they are indeed his friends. Not mine. Or ours. Because if they were my friends too, at least one of them would have told me about this. They would not have contributed to this."
Amy shook her head sadly.
"I don't know what happened, Connie… I just… I wish you were here to guide me. To tell me what to do. What to think of this. I am… just so lost without you."
She almost jumped when she heard steps behind her.
"I'm sorry.", a small voice said. "I did not realize you would be here. I thought… maybe you went to Missy. Or Jared. I was not following you. In fact… I can leave."
"Wait.", she said softly as she turned her head. "She's your grandmother. If anyone has the right to be here, it's you. I can leave."
"She was your best friend.", he rebutted. "You have every right to be here. If she were still here, she would probably be just as mad at me as you are anyway."
Amy was not sure if that was true. And she did not like how guilty and sad Sheldon sounded.
"I mean…", she said, biting her lips. "We can both stay. If you want."
"Really?", he asked, hope flickering in his eyes. "Are you… ready to talk?"
"No…", she admitted. "But… I don't think I will ever be. So…", she sighed. "Please stay."
He sat down next to her in the grass, just far enough from her so that their knees weren't touching.
It sent her back to when she had met him on the day of Connie's funeral. God, so many things had changed since then. She felt like a whole new person.
And it was all because of him.
"Amy, I am very, very sorry.", he said tonelessly.
"I know.", she answered softly.
"I… made a huge mistake.", he continued.
"I know.", she repeated. "But Shel…"
"I love you.", he croaked.
She could have told him that she knew that too. But with the way he looked at her, so full of guilt and genuine remorse… she needed to reassure him.
"I love you too.", she said and reached for his hand. "And no matter how upset I am with you… this will never change."
He squeezed her hand before he intertwined their fingers.
"So… you said you might have questions for me.", he said then.
She swallowed deeply.
There were lots of questions in her mind. Like… how could he do this? What did he want to gain from it? How could he think this was the right course of action? Did it really never occur to him that keeping this from her was a bad thing? Did he not know how hurtful it was that all his friends were in on this while she was not? And did he not consider the fact that she would eventually find out?
But as she pondered it, she realized, she knew the answer to all these questions. She knew them in her heart.
And asking them, would only drag out the inevitable. So, she asked the one she found the most important to come back from this.
"Why did you feel the need to keep this from me?", she breathed out.
He looked surprised. Yes, technically, he had given her this answer already. But she needed him to elaborate.
"Because… you had offered to move to Pasadena the day before. To make things easier for me. And I thought, if you knew about my misguided agreement with my boss… you'd offer the same thing again. I did not want you to move for the wrong reasons. I wanted to make sure that it was what you wanted as well."
It was remarkable. If she isolated this one thought process, then it actually sounded considerate. It was crazy to think about what it had led to.
"So, out of all the options that were available… like… talking to your boss right away... Or telling me exactly what you just told me now… or just letting me decide for myself if I would be okay with moving to Pasadena for you… you chose to keep a secret from me and get all your friends, who according to you are my friends too, to keep it from me too."
He avoided her gaze.
"If you put it like this… yes. I made the worst possible choice, Amy. And I wish I could take it back."
She nodded thoughtfully.
"So…", she sighed then. "Where do we go from here?"
"That's up to you.", he said, his voice trembling again. "I hope that eventually… you can forgive me. That we can move on from this. But… if you need more time…", he swallowed hard, a tear escaping his right eye. He seemed to be forcing himself to keep talking. "I am sure, I could stay with my mother for a few days."
"What?", she exclaimed. That was the last thing she wanted. "No, Sheldon. I absolutely do not want that. Once we're finished with this conversation, we will be going home. Together."
She could see relief washing over his face again.
"Really?", she asked and scooted closer to her. "Are you saying that you… are forgiving me?"
Amy closed her eyes for a second.
Could she forgive him? Just like that?
Maybe other people would tell her, she was too lenient. That she let him off the hook too easily. That she was a pushover, and he would lie to her again and again if she forgave him for this and didn't punish him to make a point.
At least that was what a little voice told her in her head. A voice that sounded suspiciously like her mother.
And so, Amy came to a spontaneous decision. To defy those mean voices and listen to her heart instead.
Because her heart told her, that Sheldon had learned his lesson. That he was already punishing himself. And that he deserved her forgiveness.
After all, how easily had he forgiven her when she had kept her complicated relationship to her parents from him?
"You made a mistake.", she whispered. "And you hurt me with it. But, as crazy as it sounds, I do believe you. Your intentions were good, even if your decisions were so very wrong. And… even though we will be getting married soon, we are both still new to being in a relationship. We are bound to make mistakes. Both of us. Small ones, and sometimes big ones. I'd like us both to handle each other's shortcomings like this. With understanding and forgiveness. So… yes, Sheldon. I do forgive you. Because I trust you. And I know you will never keep something like this from me ever again."
"I won't.", he said firmly.
She nodded. "Good."
With another big sigh, he released her hand only to shift closer to her and pull her against his chest.
"Thank you.", he whispered into her hair as he tightened his grip around her. "Thank you."
He cradled her in his arms, swaying back and forth and she couldn't resist the urge to bury her face in his chest. Surrounded by his warmth, his scent… his love, she allowed herself to close her eyes and let go of most of the anger and disappointment she had felt before.
He was not perfect. But then again, neither was she.
They both had their own flaws and quirks and insecurities. They both had been alone for decades, never seriously considering falling in love or having a romantic relationship. They both had expected to spend the rest of their life alone, making their own decisions and dealing with their own issues.
And yet, they had found each other and through that, they had gotten to experience more than either of them could have ever imagined.
It was a miracle. All of it.
She had no idea how long they sat there, in this blissful embrace, but she knew, it was what they both needed right now.
As the moments stretched on, Sheldon's position shifted.
Without letting go of her for even one moment, he skillfully transitioned from sitting besides her to sitting behind her, guiding her by her shoulder, so she could rest her back snuggly against his chest. His long legs bent on each side of her, in a way that made her feel protected, almost like in a little cocoon, especially when his arms found their way around her waist, completing the enclosure of their shared space.
She tilted her head so she could kiss his jaw softly, before resting her head against his.
"We should still figure out where we go from here.", she reminded him softly.
"Mhmm.", he hummed. "As I said. That's up to you."
"I mean… what do we do about our future.", she clarified. "It's high time to get closer to a decision. We cannot stay in this indecisive limbo forever."
"I know that's what you meant.", he nodded. "And I stand by my statement. You can decide, Amy. I can live with either decision."
"But it shouldn't just be my decision.", she protested. "You feel guilty right now, but the fact that you made a mistake does not mean that you should just go along with whatever I want to do."
"I tried to make you go along with what I wanted, Amy.", he reminded her. "It's only fair, to let you make this decision for us now."
"No.", she insisted. "This is not just my life. It's yours too. And while I appreciate you not trying to run it for us, I won't run it either. We need to do this together. Equally."
He let his arms roam over her side, an action that gave her goosebumps.
"Alright. Let's do this. Together."
She nodded.
"I just… don't exactly know where to start.", she admitted.
They had begun this conversation more than once. And as always, she just had no idea how to figure out what the right choice was.
"I've been thinking about it lately.", he admitted. "On how to approach this discussion."
"Yeah? So, do you have an idea?"
"I believe… it all boils down to an equation."
"Equation?", she asked amused. "Of course. I'm talking to a theoretical physicist. Everything's an equation."
"Amy…"
"No, seriously. Tell me about this equation.", she demanded.
"Well… in a simplified manner… we want to maximize our mutual happiness. So… the amount of happiness is the outcome of the equation. The next step is to figure out the parts of it. The constants and variables."
"Interesting.", she agreed. "So… what are our constants?"
"Easy.", he said quickly. "You and me together. That's the only constant in my book. Everything else in negotiable."
"Agreed.", she nodded.
"So… the variables… are things like… Residence. Occupation. Allocations. Social contacts."
"Alright.", she agreed. "But… how do we figure them out."
"I think… before we can figure out anything else…", he hesitated. "We need to look at 'Occupation'. Because your decision on what you want to do career-wise will determine the options we have."
She froze. He was right. She had always known that. But it was… scary to think about it. It always had been.
"And I want you to know, I truly am okay with anything you decide, Amy. I only want you to be happy. Be it as a teacher or a scientist…"
"Or something in between.", she said softly.
"In between?", he clarified.
She shrugged.
"Sheldon, I figured out a while ago that… being a High School teacher forever isn't what I want. I tried to hold on to it… because…", it was hard to say it.
"Because holding on to it allows you to stay in Medford forever.", he continued for her.
She nodded.
"But… realistically… I won't be happy with it long-term. But at the same time… I don't want to go back to working in my lab fulltime. I worked so hard on… helping young women get into science. I want to keep pursuing that. And I want a job that gives me this option. But… and it pains me to say this… I won't have any of these options here."
"Have you considered… looking into universities close to Medford?"
She was surprised he would ask that. Did he not want to leave either?
"I did.", she admitted. She had started looking into that, the day after Connie had found out about her past. "A long time ago actually. There are not many options. I mean, there's always your alma mater of course."
"East Texas Tech.", Sheldon said with a soft chuckle in his voice. "I enjoyed my time there… but…"
"They don't even have a post graduate program.", Amy said sadly. "I won't be able to do the research I want to do. Nor would I really have an opportunity to explore my idea of a mentoring system for High School students. And while there are other universities with good programs in Texas… they are not of the same caliber as CalTech. And even if I could look past that… they all are at least a two-hour drive away."
"I don't like the thought of leaving Medford.", Sheldon whispered. "I just… don't want to rule out staying here just now."
"I agree.", she nodded. "We are not ruling out anything right now. Just… comparing our different options. There are more variables than just 'occupation', remember? But now let's look at our other option."
"Pasadena.", he said.
"Yes.", she confirmed. "Career-wise, it would be our best shot. You are established at CalTech and I would have a guaranteed job. But…"
"But my family is not there.", he continued her sentence. "Missy is your best friend. Joshua is one of my favorite people in the world. The house we are living in… is perfect. And not just because of our memories. And the choir means so much to both of us."
"We are talking about Pasadena.", Amy reminded him. "Yet, everything you just mentioned is related to Medford. We should be talking about the upsides of moving to Pasadena as well."
"It does not feel right, thinking of moving there.", he rebutted. "Not after… what I did and how it made you feel. I don't want to win this, Amy. It just… feels wrong. I don't even want to think about it right now."
She snickered.
"Sheldon, are you suggesting we don't talk about one of our two options? Because… This is not about winning or losing. It's about finding the best way to spend our future. We have to compare our options."
"Maybe we don't.", he argued. "Maybe there's a third option. Someplace we haven't thought of yet. Somewhere neutral."
"Neutral?", she asked. "You mean… like Switzerland?"
She turned her head so she could look at him.
"Switzerland?", he raised his eyebrows at her. "I mean… I guess it would be tempting, working with scientists at CERN."
"I could see you there.", she admitted and grinned at him. "Also, I once collaborated with a Neuroscientist from Lausanne. I am sure I could get a job there if I asked."
"Hm…", he said. "It sounds intriguing."
"You are considering it?", she asked.
"Well… you once asked me to fly with you.", he shrugged. "And we are considering all options right now. So, let's do this. What do we know about Switzerland?"
"Let's see…", she said and thought about it for a few moments. "They have four national languages. Beautiful mountains. Cheese. And… it is one of the two countries worldwide with a square flag. The other being..."
"The Vatican.", he added, staring at her dumbfounded. "I did not know you were interested in vexillology.
She smiled at him. Why was she not surprised?
"Well, I can't wait to have a conversation about that. But first, we should address the issue at hand."
"Switzerland.", he said thoughtfully.
"We don't have any friends there.", she reminded him.
"We could always make new friends. Together.", he shrugged. "And we can still visit the ones we have here."
She grinned. "Well, maybe we could join a local choir."
"Oh!", he exclaimed. "They have yodeling clubs. We should join one of those."
"Yodeling?", she scrunched up her nose in disdain.
"Have I never told you that I yodel? Listen…"
"Wait, Sheldon. We are at a cemetery.", she said, stopping him in the process.
"Right.", he said. "I'll show you later at home."
"Yodeling… Throat singing… you really are a man of many talents."
She leaned back to kiss his cheek.
He held her face with one hand and kissed her on the lips in response.
For a few more moment, they were lost in the soft touch of their lips. It felt so good, finally kissing him again.
"Would you really do that, Sheldon? Move to Switzerland with me?", she mumbled as she pulled away.
It was hard to imagine.
"If that's the place where we can both be equally happy, yes.", he said. "It would be kind of an adventure. We could be learning the native language together."
"Or all four of them."
"Think of all the chocolate we could eat."
She smiled at this remark.
"And all the walks we could take in the mountains to walk off the chocolate.", she added.
"I always wanted to try cheese fondue.", he said as he caressed her side with his free hand.
She arched her back and leaned into his embrace before kissing him once more.
Her heart fluttered in his chest. Finally, she was starting to feel normal again.
"We could learn to ski.", she said and winked at him.
"You could.", he rebutted. "I could watch. And call an ambulance for you."
She giggled. It was so nice to picture it.
Her and Sheldon somewhere on top of a snow-covered mountain. Making acquaintances, maybe even friends together as a couple. Building a life where they both were equally new.
However…
"We are not moving to Switzerland, Sheldon.", she said then and gave him a sad smile.
"We're not?", he asked surprised. "But… I would. If that is what you want."
Her heart swelled in her chest.
If anything, this conversation was undeniable proof, that Sheldon was willing to divert from his initial plan to have her move into his own apartment with him just as much as she was open to to the thought of moving away from Medford.
Unlike during the summer, both of them truly were ready to let go of their vision for their future and find a solution that was right for both of them.
"It does not make sense.", she pointed out. "Maybe if we were thirty instead of forty. Maybe if we weren't about to start a family. It's just not the right time to start over from scratch in a place that is completely different to everything we know. If we are leaving Medford… then certainly not to move to another continent."
"I guess so…", he said quietly. "I just… have a hard time, figuring out what our best option is."
"Me too.", she agreed.
"Are you sure there are no options for you that are close to Medford?", he implored.
She looked at him questioningly. Since when was he so adamant on staying here?
"I guess, maybe I haven't explored all the options.", she admitted. "Maybe we can take a few days brainstorming about it. But… just as we should not be ruling out Medford, we should also explore the possibility of moving to California."
She could feel him tense up.
"Sheldon?", she asked. "I thought that's what you wanted."
"I did.", he said. "Maybe I still do. But… it just feels like… after last night… even thinking of going back to Pasadena is risky. Our relationship is easier to navigate here in Medford. It's where we know how to function. It's as if… it is this… safe place for us. Like…"
"Heaven.", she finished his sentence.
"Well, I don't like the spiritual meaning of it but… yes."
"I agree.", she nodded. "But still. Sheldon, we cannot ignore the fact that we have a good offer in Pasadena. We need to at least consider it. Or we might regret it for the rest of our lives."
"Really?", he asked doubtfully. "You want to consider living in my apartment and taking the job with Gunderson? Because it sounds pretty much like the opposite of what you wanted in the first place."
"I did not say anything about living in your apartment, Sheldon.", she said shaking her head. "Or in Pasadena altogether. But if we consider leaving Medford, then maybe, instead of talking about moving to the other side of the world, we should also consider a place to live somewhere within a reasonable distance to CalTech. There are plenty of beautiful places in the San Gabriel Valley."
She sighed.
"As for the job at CalTech… No. I won't accept it. Not the offer I got. But since Siebert told you that he believes in 'long-term investments'… maybe, if he's flexible enough, we could come to a different agreement."
He grinned at her.
"You are going to make this hard on him, huh?"
"Well...", she shrugged. "He kind of deserves it."
He nodded in agreement.
"I don't like the thought of leaving meemaw's house.", Sheldon said quietly. "Or my family. Or… this beautiful place where we fell in love."
"Me neither.", she agreed. "But like you said. It's an equation. Right now, we are merely exploring all variables. And in the end, we will do whatever makes us the happiest. Both of us. Together."
"And if we don't find a solution close to Medford or Pasadena…", he mused. "Or if we cannot agree on a course of action…"
"Switzerland.", she told him and smirked at him. "We'll always have Switzerland."
"Mhmm…", he hummed, his breath tickling his ear.
She turned her head again to share their agreement with a sweet kiss.
Her left hand moved to his short hair, and she could hear him moan lightly when she parted her lips to deepen the kiss.
Like so often before, she felt so safe there in his embrace. She was glad that this had not changed overnight.
She allowed herself to get lost in his kisses that grew more urgent by the minute, until, finally, she realized where they were.
She pushed his face away from hers gently and leaned back against his chest again.
Sheldon hummed and kissed her cheek before he moved his lips to her ear and started whispering.
"You know… this position is pretty great. Kind of gives me access… to everything."
He let his hands roam over her belly before tickling the underside of her breasts, as if to emphasize his point.
"Sheldon.", she reprimanded him. "Again. Cemetery."
Although, she had to admit, Connie probably wouldn't mind this moment of closeness in front of her last resting place.
He chuckled and wrapped his arms around her tightly. "Sorry. I just couldn't resist."
"We can continue this later.", she promised. "At home."
For a while, they just sat there, enjoying the mild weather and the fresh air and the fact that things between them were starting to be okay again.
And in her mind, she heard her late friend's voice. Applauding them for resolving their fight. Cheering them on for finally seriously looking at their options regarding their future. And of course pointing out that she had always known they would end up together.
"Let's go home.", she told him after a while. "We barely slept last night."
And that was exactly what they did.
They walked home hand in hand, where they took a long nap in each other's arms.
In the evening, they went across the street for New Years dinner with his family.
Afterwards, Amy decided to decline the invitation for Jared and Greg's party.
They would just be visiting them the next day.
Tonight, she just wanted to celebrate into the new year with Sheldon.
Curled up on the couch, they drank tea and talked some more.
About their priorities. Their hopes and wishes for their future. Their fears regarding their decision.
At midnight, she lay in bed, clutching at the sheets, as Sheldon made her see stars that would put any firework to shame.
He was relentless in showing her his eternal love for her. And so was she.
It was the perfect way to start the new year.
The year that would mark their wedding day. The year when they would finally decide their future.
And while she did not know where exactly where it would take them, she knew, wherever she was, she would be in this man's arms. And no matter which version of their future they would be living, they would be making it work. Together.
Missy's POV:
It had all started with an innocent conversation at Jared and Greg's New Year's party.
She was sitting at the table with Daniel and Ruth. She had always loved spending time with the old couple, especially with Ruth.
Ruth had been so nice to her during a very hard moment in her life. Joshua still sometimes talked about all the cool games the old lady had played with him at her place.
So, she did not understand, why her friend had to put her on the spot like she did.
"Now, Missy, what are you up to lately? Are you seeing someone special?", the Ruth had asked her. And then the room had fallen silent.
She knew the others meant well. They just wanted to see her happy. But they did not know how broken she really was.
Missy had tried to find excuses. She was a single mother of two children. She was planning Amy's wedding. She was helping her aging mother around the house.
When would she have time to meet a special someone.
And then it had started. Suddenly everyone seemed to know a single, eligible man who was desperately looking for the love of his life.
It should not have come as a surprise, when she had received a call from an unknown number a few days later.
"There's always hope.", she still heard Raj's voice in her ear.
He was putting himself out there, trying to date. So, she thought, maybe she should give it another shot as well. And then maybe afterwards, she would call Raj and compare notes.
So, right now, she was sitting in Medford's finest steakhouse, wearing a dress she hadn't worn in years, looking at a man who – apparently – was the eldest son of one of Jeremy's friends.
Turned out, he was managing one of Georgie's tire shops close by and making a decent living with it. He had an eight-year-old daughter from his first marriage who was staying with him every other week.
His hobbies included football – both watching and playing –, camping, playing poker and taking his kid to the park.
All things she would definitely enjoy joining him for.
He was friendly and had a warm smile.
And he was also attractive. Very attractive.
Beautiful, grey eyes. Thick, curly, brown hair. A short, neatly trimmed beard.
He smelled nice too.
He was wearing a brown plaid buttoned up shirt that did not hide his broad shoulders or how muscular his arms were.
Maybe young Missy would have swooned over him and imagined how good it would feel, lying in these arms.
But adult Missy… she knew more than young Missy.
And suddenly, all she could think of was, how hard those strong arms could hit her. How those beautiful hands could strangle her and then release her just before the world would turn black.
And how those lips that smiled at her so gently could form words. Hurtful words that would haunt her in her dreams.
And so, as she sat there, across from the unsuspecting, kind man who was asking her questions about her children, her upbringing, her favorite songs and what she did on New Year's Eve, she could see his friendly face turn into the face she feared.
That's when she realized, she could not do this. Put herself out there to get hurt again.
Her soul was covered with wounds that were just starting to heal, leaving ugly scars in the process.
She could barely function enough to take care of her children. She had to protect her heart and soul from more damage. For them. And for herself.
"I'm… sorry…", she stammered when he asked her if she wanted dessert. "I think… I am not feeling well. I would like to go home now."
He seemed to be slightly disappointed, but he did not question her on that. He was very polite and friendly and offered to drive her home.
Fortunately, she had insisted on driving herself and was able to reject this kind offer.
She promised to call him, once she would feel better, although she did not intend to keep this promise.
It was better this way. Surely, this man could find a different woman. One who's soul was still intact.
The tears came once she was on the road on her way back home.
If there was one thing she hadn't needed, it was another sign of how messed up she was. How hopeless. How pathetic. How… damaged.
So, that night, when Missy came home alone, she felt the urge to go into her sleeping children's rooms and place a gentle kiss on their heads.
After all, they were the only thing in her life she was proud of.
She watched Ellis, her little girl who had turned two years a few weeks back. As usual, she was sleeping on her belly and talking gibberish in her sleep.
She would teach this girl to stand up for herself. She would make her take self-defense classes.
And she would definitely run a background check on every person her daughter would eventually be dating.
She quietly walked into her son's room then.
She almost didn't dare to, because lately, Joshua had been a very light sleeper.
But she had to. She had to see him. The little boy who had been going through a rough time lately.
"I'm sorry, Joshua…", she whispered as she gently stroked her hand over the bedspread. "I'm sorry you're going through so much. I wish I could protect you more."
The little boy stirred in his sleep and then turned around.
Missy placed a gentle kiss on his head and then left the room again before she could wake him up.
And then, she went to bed herself. Alone, like she would be for the rest of her life.
She turned on the TV and zapped through the channels.
For some reason, she had to smile, when she noticed a particular movie that had just started.
"Miss Congeniality."
She watched a young Sandra Bullock entering a beauty pageant and, although she had no idea why, her heart felt a little lighter.
And then she stared at her phone.
It was not that late in Pasadena.
They were friends now, right? And he surely wouldn't mind if she would call him for a different reason than asking for help planning a wedding.
For a second, she wondered if this was a good idea.
Was she even capable of being a good friend right now?
Raj was going through enough already. She couldn't keep dumping her problems on him.
But… she wasn't doing that, was she?
She had just discovered a movie she enjoyed. And Raj was kind of an expert on those. Maybe he would have recommendations for her.
Before she could convince herself otherwise, she hit the dial-button and smiled when she heard a friendly voice on the other line.
"Hello, Missy."