A/N: I just posted an update to Deep Dive of a Different kind saying it may be a while before I finished this chapter of The Idiot's Guide. Alas, I was closer than I thought. Next up is the new story I wrote which is complete, and I'll be uploading chapter by chapter!
CHAPTER 20
The next 30 minutes seemed like an eternity to Calleigh. While she knew the nurses needed to finish their work and prepare Eric for visitors, she felt every passing second apart from him was a wasted one.
Not for the first time in the last 24 hours did she regret every angry word, every distant moment from Eric over the previous two weeks. At the time, she needed the space. Now faced with the possibility of that space becoming permanent…Calleigh knew she'd never let anger and sadness infiltrate her relationship with Eric that deeply ever again.
So close to seeing him alive and in the flesh, Calleigh finally caved to her nervousness and paced the waiting room. She correctly assumed earlier that this would escalate Ryan's own nerves, but he recognized her need to expend some energy and made no effort to calm her.
Nothing I can say or do right now will help her, he thought to himself. The most I can do is just stay here.
He debated staying at first; however, when Calleigh told Dr. Thomlinson he could speak to both of them rather than Ryan leave, he understood her silent request for him to remain with her for the time being.
"Do you want me to go in with you?" he asked her now as she paced in front of him.
She wavered for a second. "I think I need to do this on my own, Ry," she confessed.
Ry.
Ryan sent her a grim smile. She hadn't called him by his nickname in a while, and for some reason, it made him happy. Calleigh usually reserved that casual familiarity for moments when they joked in the halls at HQ or cut up at a crime scene. It was an odd indicator, her saying his name like this, but it showed her current comfort level with him even in the midst of her anguish.
Calleigh offered him the tiniest smile in return. "I've been pretty preoccupied the last few months, haven't I?" she said quietly. "You and I haven't caught up in a while."
"No, we haven't," Ryan responded, his smile growing somewhat. "But I don't blame you. It's life."
"Well," she said, "yours has been pretty up and down lately. Natalia shouldn't be the only one helping you out. Sorry."
The faintest blush crept up Ryan's neck; he ducked his head and ran a hand over his heated skin, and even in her distracted state, Calleigh noticed.
"Anything you'd like to share?" she asked with a crooked grin. She laughed at the sheepish look on his face.
"It's fine, it's fine," Calleigh chuckled, patting him on the arm. "I won't say anything."
A look of embarrassed relief passed over Ryan's features, until Calleigh followed up with: "But you're going to have to stop staring at her, or everyone's going to figure it out."
That made him laugh out loud, "Ha! Like Delko for the last year?"
The words slipped from his lips before he could stop them. Calleigh witnessed him physically retreat in his seat and immediately backtrack.
"Cal, I'm sorry. It's not—I didn't mean…ugh," he fumbled.
A look of sad regret flashed in Calleigh's eyes, but then she surprised him with a quick laugh and a tilt of her head.
"Yeah, a lot like that," she stated softly.
She left Ryan slightly speechless. At his questioning look, she expounded further: "Ryan, I can't take back the last year, and how I've treated Eric..."
She seemed lost for a second, trying to find the right words.
"You knew?" Ryan asked her.
Calleigh pressed her lips together and brushed the hair out of her face before she heaved herself up out of the chair and began pacing again.
The humor in her voice was gone and now the regret coursed through her in full. "How could I not, Ryan?" she admitted.
Ryan knew he must tread carefully as they navigated this topic. "Then why did you not…"
"Why didn't I say anything to Eric?" Calleigh supplied.
Ryan nodded. He hesitated before he offered his next words. "You clearly felt the same way. And not just this year."
Calleigh immediately shut down—he obviously hit on something she wasn't ready to talk about.
A memory coursed through her with a jolt.
Her heart pounded as his fingertips graced her skin, leaving a ripple of goosebumps in their wake. His lips melded with hers before he trailed his kisses to the pulse point below her ear once again. Calleigh shivered as he whispered, "God, you're amazing."
Eric rocked against her and the feeling of their bodies touching length for length, the sensation of his breath feathering across her skin, left her squirming.
"Eric, please," she whispered in return. Calleigh tossed her head back, and Eric took full advantage of the newly liberated space under her ear as their bodies moved together.
"You're the only one who could make me feel this way," he murmured quietly, his voice cracking a little.
Calleigh squeezed her eyes shut and just let herself feel…
"Cal? Calleigh?" she heard in the distance.
She snapped back to reality at the sound of Ryan calling her name and knew she must be blushing. She looked away from him, willing her body and mind to remain in the present.
Ryan watched her curiously but chose to say nothing.
Relief flooded Calleigh's features as Dr. Thomlinson appeared around the corner to greet them once more.
Deep breaths, Cal, come on, she coached herself.
Ryan had struck a nerve. Right as she began to forgive herself for running away from Eric, Ryan reminded her of what she'd done.
What if we hadn't decided to ignore what happened that night? What if I'd stayed with him that day instead of running?
Calleigh knew Ryan didn't mean to cause her pain, especially right before she went back to see Eric for the first time after surgery, but the pain came, nonetheless. Along with the guilt.
C'mon, get it together, she berated herself. You'll have to live with what you've done for a long time, no use in dwelling on it.
If Eric were here, he'd tell her she had nothing to apologize for, all was forgiven, that he held no grudge against her. That he loved her unconditionally. Without a doubt, those would be his words, and that knowledge provided Calleigh with a modicum of solace.
Like Ryan said, that was life. Everything in Calleigh wished she could control her own path, but she didn't have that option.
I can't go back and change anything. I just have to move forward.
All this ran through Calleigh's mind as she stood and greeted Dr. Thomlinson, who turned his back to her and indicated she should follow him.
Ryan gave her shoulder a quick squeeze, and he said, "I'll be here. Come get me if you need to."
She sent him a grateful smile before she turned to follow the surgeon down the hallway.
Her whole body shook with fear with each step she took closer to Eric.
Dr. Thomlinson had explained everything she should expect, and now he remained at her side while she crossed the threshold with trepidation.
The quiet reverberated in her ears just as loudly as the noise when Calleigh entered Eric's room. She noticed this first: the air seemed still and calm, yet tense. Expectant.
Then the beeps and constant whirring of the machines made their presence known, the perceptible murmurs of the two nurses at his side, the low hum that seemed to always pervade a hospital room…it all assaulted her senses. She fought against the subtle noise and worked hard to keep the tumultuous beating of her heart in check when her eyes landed on Eric for the first time.
Calleigh's breath hitched in her chest. He looked so…fragile. Even after his previous shooting, during that very first visit Calleigh made to his bedside, Eric never looked this broken. Two years ago, he breathed on his own. He had slowly woken to her voice and blinked his eyes to focus them on her.
Now, he lay motionless and helpless, tubes and IV lines jutting from his body in ways Calleigh knew must be painful if he were awake. Part of her worried he could still feel the pain in his comatose state, and it tore at her heart.
Dr. Thomlinson seemed to know what burdened Calleigh's mind, and he said, "He can't feel anything right now."
The doctor sent a swift nod to the two nurses, and they exited the room.
Then, he continued, "See these IV lines? They provide Officer Delko with pain medication and keep him comfortable. Is it okay if I call him Eric?"
With her eyes fixed on the man who held her heart, Calleigh barely heard Dr. Thomlinson's question, but she managed to absently nod her head.
Tears filled her eyes; stubbornly, Calleigh swallowed hard and forced them to retreat.
Not now, not in front of Eric. He'll feel I'm here and he can't know. He can't know how much this hurts. Please…let him feel I'm here, she prayed silently.
To whom she prayed, again, Calleigh didn't know.
"This breathing tube," Dr. Thomlinson explained, pointing at the apparatus protruding from Eric's throat, "is helping pass air down to his lungs."
He told Calleigh and Ryan in the waiting room that Eric's lungs could function on their own, which was excellent news, although they were weak. The breathing tube helped air bypass the injury to Eric's neck and alleviate some of the work required to breathe on his own. The less strain on his body, the better his chances of recovery.
Calleigh cleared her throat. "Can I touch him?" she asked.
She thought her voice would sound out in the room weakly, tentatively, but to her surprise, her words rung with a surety she didn't know she possessed
Dr. Thomlinson nodded in assent. He pointed at a smaller wire to Eric's right with a button affixed to it. "I'll give you some privacy. If you need one of the nurses, just hit this call button."
"Thanks," Calleigh replied, eyes quickly flitting to the button then back to Eric's face before she turned her head toward the surgeon. "How much time do I have?"
He smiled softly and said, "Protocol would call for 15 minutes. But he's doing well, so I think you'll be fine until the next rounds in about 45."
Calleigh let out a breath of air in a whoosh, grateful for the unexpected gift of time.
"Thank you so much," she responded.
With a last nod of his head, Dr. Thomlinson exited the room, and Calleigh remained alone with Eric. Finally.
She swept her gaze over him from head to toe. All the equipment and wires engulfing his body made Eric seem smaller somehow. But the longer she studied him, she could still see the strength of his shoulders, his arms, his brow.
Calleigh searched the room for a chair, and spying a recliner in the corner, she heaved it the six or so feet to the side of Eric's bed and took a seat next to him.
Gingerly, she slipped her hand into his and laced their fingers. With her free hand, she slowly began to stroke his knuckles and the tips of his fingers. She willed him to wake and speak to her, although she knew the impossibility of that happening so soon, perhaps ever, and she recognized he needed the rest anyway.
Do not go there. He'll wake up.
The steel Ruth inextricably imbued in her bones earlier suddenly rose to the surface. She sensed Eric's spirit, or maybe she just knew him, but in the deepest part of her, Calleigh felt hope and confidence that he would wake. Not just wake but recover.
"Hey, Eric, it's me," she whispered.
For the next twenty minutes she told him everything that happened in the last 24 hours. She regaled him with the unlikely story of how Carlisle and Compton just so happened to be playing basketball in the court next to the picnic grounds. That they miraculously had their EMS kits with them, and that Jack made her promise to name one of their kids after him.
"That's what I want with you, Eric" she confessed quietly into the quiet room, and tears sprang to her eyes, until she thought of Ruth.
Calleigh proceeded to explain her time in the chapel, how she wished Eric could see her on her knees in front of an altar, because he'd get a kick out of it.
She wished he could see a lot of things, like how open she'd become with their friends, how she broke down her garrisons to trust them with more than her life, but her heart and her future.
Next, she reviewed the latest developments in the case, at least the details she knew at this point. She paused and considered telling him about Horatio and IAB.
Total honesty, even if the news is bad.
She reminded herself the news wasn't all negative, that Horatio might pull off a miracle. But with a lack of key information, she couldn't be sure what that meant for her and Eric. Again, she must trust Horatio and her team.
Calleigh finally ran out of words. She exhaled and stroked the back of Eric's hand. The angle of the recliner and her small frame prevented her from leaning back and still maintaining hold of Eric, and since there was no way she was letting go, she simply accepted the discomfort. She felt it as another part of her penance, either for the way she treated Eric for so long, or for being alive and well when he was not.
Shifting in her seat, Calleigh caught sight for the first time of Eric's shoes on the stand next to the bed. Inspecting further, Calleigh realized they sat atop a plastic bag that must contain his clothes and the rest of his belongings.
Panic struck her. She saw his pendant around his neck at the park, but now she realized with a jolt his neck was bare except for the tubes and wires which adorned it. Of course, they needed to remove the chain to treat him.
Immediately reaching one-handed for the bag, Calleigh swiftly rummaged through it until she found what she searched for and sighed in relief. The delicate chain slipped through her fingers until her hand grasped the cross pendant, and something else.
She turned her palm and shock coursed through her at the sight of the sparkling diamond ring nestled next to the silver cross she gave Eric the last time he lay still in a hospital bed.
How did I miss this before?
The two priceless items had been carefully cleaned of the blood she knew covered the necklace before, causing her heart to clench from the kindness shown by one of the nurses.
Calleigh momentarily considered curling the treasures between their intertwined fingers but, instead, carefully released Eric's hand to unhook the clasp and loop the chain around her own neck. A cross never meant more to her than it did today, especially this one, and the ring…
The ring. Speed's ring. Meant for me, now.
She re-laced her small fingers with Eric's larger ones and studied their hands. Images of what their hands would look like together with the diamond ring on her finger filled her mind. In that moment, she swore an oath to bring that vision to life. Just the thought sent warmth through every inch of her body.
Calleigh glanced at her watch, noting 15 minutes still remained before the next rounds. She wondered what news Ryan and Natalia might bring her when she emerged.
Oh! Ryan and Natalia!
"Eric, I know I promised Ryan…but you wouldn't believe…"
She filled him in on the developments in the love department between their two friends.
"I never thought that would happen," she said with a grin.
Her smile faltered. She caressed Eric's thumb with hers.
"I never thought this would happen. I never thought I'd come this close to losing you again."
A lump formed in her throat which Calleigh swallowed with no little effort.
"I can't lose you, Eric. So, you have to fight. Please, for me…for us. How weird to say 'us.'"
She chuckled at the surrealness of it all.
"I said it before, but 'us' is what I want. I always did, to be honest, but I just…I just…I don't know," she murmured.
No words could sufficiently describe Calleigh's current feelings, or her past ones, except...
"I love you so much."
Nothing else needed to be said, nor could she muster the energy to say anything more. She finally leaned back as much as she could in the chair without surrendering her hold on Eric, and she closed her eyes.
Hours later, she awoke with a start. A nurse hovered at her side adjusting an IV; she must have bumped into the recliner where Calleigh lay sleeping, jostling her from slumber.
"Welcome back," the nurse said softly. "You were out for a while."
Calleigh moved to sit up, confused as to how she currently found herself in the hospital room, laid back in the seat and covered in a warm blanket.
"We didn't want to disturb you," the nurse explained. "And you weren't in the way."
"I'm so sorry," Calleigh began.
The nurse stopped her. "Honey, get some rest. We're monitoring him for the next couple of hours. The chair folds into a bed; you can stay here until visiting hours end."
With a look at her watch, Calleigh never felt so grateful. She just received a gift of several more, precious hours with the love of her life as he fought desperately for his.