Chapter 14: peter pan

"Forget them, Wendy. Forget them all. Come with me where you'll never, never have to worry about grown up things again."

January 1972

Lily was in the library at Hogwarts, her most recent residence since a few months ago. Her 12th birthday was coming up and it would be the first time she would spend an anniversary away from her family - her mother, her father with (unfortunately now that it came in pairs) his recently diagnosed cancer. And her older sister.

She didn't know it then as one never does quite have the ability to understand the mechanisms our brain develops to protect us from the trauma we are presently surviving, but she had established the deadline of her birthday to find a solution for her dad's condition. As if her guilt was waiting quietly by a bush, surveying, cautiously awaiting for the day to come and, unless she had conquered a miracle in her hands that would allow her to breath, she would be devoured by the unbearable fact that she had simply left them behind and forgotten all about them. No, no, that could not be. She had to give them something back, something that would prove it was OK that she had left because she had earned it, proof that she could have it all, have them both. Both homes.

She was reading this huge heavy book but, truth is, it wasn't just the magical words she didn't understand, it was even the Old English used. There were sentences on sentences that she simply could not follow and she was starting to exasperate when she heard a "Psst" coming from the shelves.

"Here" the hushed voice called and she looked around to find a James Potter hidden behind other heavy books.

At the time, he was still able to hide more or less easily but that would not last long.

"Is the coast clear?" he asked her.

"What?" she asked louder and was quickly hushed by the librarian, reddening her cheeks for being reprimanded.

"Are you alone?" he asked again, hazel eyes poking from the dust.

"Go away" she whispered, turning to her books, worried she would get caught again.

"Is the coast clear?" he pressed again and she sighed.

"No one's here, Potter" she told him in her girly but assertive voice.

He shrugged and came out of his hiding spot, circulating the shelves still with caution, looking around. "Can't blame a bloke for being careful now can you? Sirius knows some dirty tricks."

"I thought you two were friends" she said, still not looking at him, pretending to read her book but not doing much either before or after being interrupted.

"We are!" he quickly rectified as if she had said something offensive and he too was hurriedly hushed and, even though it wasn't directed at her, Lily felt anxious by proximity.

"Sorry!" he told the person in an even louder tone and Lily widened her eyes at the boy as if he were a wild monkey that needed to be returned to his cage.

He looked back at her, his arms hanging lamely on his sides and his boyish tummy sticking out. "What are you doing?"

She sighed like grown ups did. "Studying"

"Why?" he asked

"Because I go to school" she remarked, witty.

"But it's Saturday"

"And in two days it will be Monday again, funny how time works"

He rolled his eyes and sat down in front of her "I meant you don't have to study right now, not really"

"And what would you have me do then?"

He shrugged. "You could just play."

"Ah that's what you're doing here? You're playing?"

He smiled and it showed the first signs of what would one day be the iconic smirk of the one James Potter.

"We bet whoever ends the day with Filch's old teddy bear, needs to give it back to him" and his cheeky smile widened, "and give him a good big smooch"

"Eww!" She said but was stopping a smile herself "That's disgusting!"

"That's why it's fun!"

"Yeah well, we've got homework to do."

"But we have to play too. Especially you."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Well, aren't your folks' muggles?

A pregnant pause. "Yes - so?"

"Well this is all new for you then, isn't it? Shouldn't you be playing the most?"

It made her a little sad and she didn't know how to handle that.

"I can't…"

"Yes you can. You can come with me and you can help me win this bet," he started getting up, grabbing her hand that was laying on the desk. "Sirius won't mind"

"No, James really, I-I can't-"

He began pulling her, looking at the door where they should be heading. "Never mind that, we'll do it together later, promise-"

"No, stop, James-" she struggled to be free of him, "Let go of me! "

It startled him and he let go of her. The librarian once again hushed them with a little more conviction and they fell silent.

"Well- what's your excuse anyhow?" Lily asked, trying to regain her way.

"Excuse for what?" He asked, colder.

"Playing so much then. This should all be old news to you by that logic. Haven't you grown past it?"

He shrugged. "Sirius is new news. And the quieter one too, Remus. He's got a funny name."

"Everything's funny to you" she mumbled, cuddling her hand he had held.

"You're not. You're boring" he said, spoiled.

"Well, you're immature."

"That's alright, I prefer being immature than a stick in the mud. You sure you're in the right House, even? Not very brave to just follow rules."

"Saying I don't belong here, huh? Maybe you're the one who should be in a different house - Slytherin perhaps?"

"Take it back!"

"No, you grow up!"

"Why and be boring like you?"

"Children!" the librarian marched to them having had their last drop of patience sucked dried. "If you two can't behaved properly then maybe Professor McGonagall will teach you some manners"

"What?" Lily started in a breath, wide eyes in a panic. "No, that's not-"

"Excuse me, Miss Novelty," Severus Snape had finally joined Lily to spend the rest of the afternoon studying, walking to them and talking to the terrifying person "you know Lily by now, you know she never misbehaves, it's Potter here that interrupted her."

He looked down at the same age boy but, at the time, much shorter — that would also change soon enough.

"That's not fair, we were just talking! What would you know, Snivellus?" James taunted and Severus shot him a dark eye.

"See? He's a baby, he shouldn't be allowed here."

"Why, you-" James started for the Slytherin, grabbing his robes and trying to pull him to the floor.

The librarian was quick to separate them however, grabbing James by his collar and pushing him away.

"Alright that's it— come with me young man. Off with you"

They escorted a young James to the door and as he solemnly walked away, he turned to Lily who watched him go, saying nothing but biting her lip in concern and shame.

He would recall, years later, exactly how she looked standing there, looking at him, standing behind with this Slytherin idiot as he was taken afar from the scene.

Now, a sixteen-year-old James Potter was laying on his bed, throwing a Quaffle up and down the room. Her face kept creeping up on his mind's eye as she asked what did you just say, her voice like a whisper but every time he remembered, it stung like a drill. He grimaced before throwing the ball up again.

"There you are!" someone announced by the door and for the second it took James to look, stretching his neck, the ball fell back, smack on his nose, messing up his glasses and his pride.

"Ow, sorry there mate" Peter said, smiling at the scene "he's here!" He announced to someone, or someones, outside the door.

"I'm here yeah, it's not like I was hiding, this is our room after all" James offered grumpily, sitting down with his legs off the bed and adjusting his glasses.

Peter sat on the other side of the room and took notice of his friend humour.

"Mate what are you doing here, you just missed Carina and Beatrice fighting over Hufflepuff's chaser, that Edgar git you know" Sirius walked in, hand on his long dark hair, before jumping on Pete's bed and sitting next to him.

"Why don't you tell him the whole story, Padfoot?" Remus quickly followed, arms crossed, leaning by James' bed frame.

Sirius smirked. "Alright alright, I might have told Carina a thing or two about her precious boyfriend but he had it coming, Moony, you know that"

"What did he do?" James asked his standing friend.

Remus rolled his eyes but obliged "Apparently he said something referencing my— furry little problem."

"He's a bloody idiot that's what" Sirius said louder and Remus gave him a shy smile.

"Yeah well, maybe you should cool it down with your vengeful ways Padfoot. I thought you'd learn it by now, no?" James spat, looking at his friend from his shoulder.

All the boys straightened.

"Oy, what's that for?" Sirius asked, as if his dog alter-ego had risen his canine ears in alarm.

"Prongs, did something happen?" Remus asked cautious.

"Nothing happened" he said unconvincing, looking up to his friend, sitting down with his elbows on his knees, fingers crossed at the centre.

Remus pressed with a worried look.

"It's nothing, it's… it's Lily we hum, kind of had a fight…" he played with the back of his neck.

"'Course they did" Sirius said to Peter, still butt-hurt at his friend's earlier comment but as soon as he said it, James' Quidditch captain skills showed up and he swung the Quaffle he had just been playing with at his friend's head— no, not his head, 1 cm to the left to his head, smacking on the wall behind him.

Sirius knew his best-friend enough to know that 1 cm had been calculated but still, "Prongs what the hell?"

"Wow!" Peter said, hands up.

James got up in a swift move. "She was there, Padfoot!"

"Who?" Sirius was at a lost

"Lily!" James said and his voice changed at her name. "Lily was there mate. That night…" and he looked at Remus now "at the Shrieking Shack"

The latter paled, and Sirius noticed.

"Wha- why? How'd you know that?"

James looked at Remus for a while longer before turning to Sirius.

"Apparently Snape left her a note to meet him there or something"

"That little weasel" Sirius sat closer to the end of the bed, anxious at the topic.

"Yeah. I said as much" James offered and turned again to Remus. "She knows mate… apparently she knew before that or, she suspected at least. Did you have any idea?"

"No…" he cleared his throat, blinking. "No I mean, I… I kind of had a feeling she did but… we never talked about it. I had- I had no idea she…"

"I should talk to her"

Both boys turned to Sirius.

"I mean I should apologize to her, tell her I'm sorry… right?" he looked up at his friends with glowing eyes and James felt for him, regretting his earlier attitude.

Remus clenched his jaw before asking "Wait but does she know know or just, you know, suspects?"

"She knows, Moony" James killed his friend's hope.

He told them the whole story, trying his best to leave out the whole dynamic between him and Lily that, to be fair, James couldn't very well explain it himself.

"So that's why Evans' been… skittish all week." Sirius said after James finished, thinking how they had been talking the previous evening in the common room.

She had sat on the couch, with her legs crossed under her, trying to defend Frank Sinatra to Sirius who refused to give in.

"You just don't like him because he can rock a hat and you can't" she told him but, you know, in a playful manner. That was until James came in the room and, at the time, Sirius hadn't noticed and thought it was because of his sharp reply and wondered if he had said something wrong— again.

"But I thought Evans had a boyfriend" Peter offered and all three boys looked at him confused at the pertinence of the comment, not seeing what was apparent to the shortest of the group.

"What's that have to do with anything, Wormtail?" James asked his friend perhaps a little too harshly.

"They're just dating, it's not official" Remus clarified in defence of his friend and his heart ache to think of her — was she his friend? Did friends keep secrets from another? Well, they must you hypocrite, right? Or because now that it is you who's kept in the dark, is not as fair anymore, hum?

James noticed his friend's turmoil.

"Are you going to talk to her?"

The boys were all sitting by the end of three of the beds, in a close circle. Remus rubbed his eyes with one hand and dropping his other one, seeming tired. "I guess I'll have to… ugh, not looking for it one bit."

"I'll wait for you to talk first then" Sirius shared and Remus dropped his hand to look at him with an unreadable expression. "What?" Sirius asked him.

Remus shook his head and got up. "I'm gonna go for a walk."

"Moony, wha-…" and Remus turned to his friend again, with a pained expression. "Did I- did I say something wrong?" Sirius asked him and Remus grimaced at his friend's soft voice. James pressed his lips at the scene.

There was a lot happening inside of the standing young man. "No. I just… I just need to take a walk, Padfoot, alright?"

Sirius expression was juvenile — innocent. He softly nodded and Remus left the room.

"He'll be OK, mate." James offered.

Sirius nodded. "Yeah… yeah I mean, it's been almost a year now, right? Everyone's alright, it's not like it just happened…"

James started nodding in agreement but Peter interrupted.

"Except that it did, didn't it? For him, at least… none of us knew so, it's like it just happened. It's a whole new incident to wrap his mind around."

James squinted and breathed out deeply. Was that it? Was that why it shook him so hard to know Lily had been there that night, all those months ago? She was safe, far from danger, distanced from it by time and space. But in that moment, it felt like it could have just happened that day — because he hadn't known. And when he did, it felt like he was there again, he remembered it all too well. Except now it added another variable. A most important, precious variable.

"You're right, Wormtail" James admitted, turning to Sirius. "He is."

Sirius swallowed a lump in his throat and nodded, understanding but tense.

"But time has passed," James continued "and you're right Padfoot, everyone is safe, and everything's OK so, he'll see that as well." And he noticed how his friend's eyes glistened and he finally nodded, trusting his best friend reassurance.

"Can we talk?" Lily looked up from her Arithmacy homework, biting her necklace pendant of a lily her mother had gifted her for Christmas. "I've been thinking about you" James continued.

"Try a cold shower, Potter" Marlene said coming from behind, just joining the two young wizards.

Lily took the chance to spit out her necklace and put her hair behind her ears.

"McKinnon!, didn't see you ther-… is that my beanie?" he pointed to the Gryffindor beanie the blonde girl was wearing and her eyes turned up as if only noticing it now.

"This old thing? No, I've had it for ages."

"You're the one who stole it then, you-… you were in my bedroom!"

"Relax Potter, I practically grew up in that room."

"You bombarded the lock!"

"Exactly. I had the right to."

"You-"

"Ahem!" Lily cleared her throat to bring the pure-blood childhood friends' attention. "You were saying?"

"Right hum," James gathered himself again "can we talk?"

"Talk" Lily said, pretending more confidence than she truly felt.

"Yeah no… would rather not" James said, hinting a secretive topic.

Lily breathed out. "Right." She got up and turned to her friend. "Be right back. I know you'll want to copy my responses so just go ahead, instead of hiding it when I come back."

"Hey I wasn't-"

"Not that you need to though, because you know way more than you trust yourself to but you know, just know that you have my permission if you want to"

She finished with a cheeky smile to the blonde girl, and James couldn't help but smile at the scene.

"Lead the way" she told him, less warmly and he took them both to the most secluded part of the wide library which, coincidently and unbeknownst to the two, was where they had had a very different encounter about five years prior.

"Let me guess," Lily started, looking at the books on the shelves instead of James, actually recognizing some of them from a very long time ago, "you're going to apologize?"

"Not really" he said in his low voice, which made Lily turn to him instead. He was serious.

"I'm going to say a lot of things, some of them might not make sense, others hopefully will and most will probably be dumb as hell but… I promised I would try and you said you would root for me so, that's what I'm asking I guess, just keep your quick remarks to yourself for five minutes please — not more, I promise, or you'll explode I know" she had opened her mouth to let one of those remarks but stopped herself, with the glimpse of a smile appearing at the right hand corner of her lips.

"Try to not think the worst of me alright but, truth is that, I know me and the boys have done plenty of stupid, childish, dangerous things - I mean we swam with the lake's mermaids second semester of fourth year; we filled Slytherins potion cauldrons with venomous Egyptian lizards; we snuck the kitchens pretty much every single night, still do; just last year we hid Pete's broken leg from Madame Pomfrey because Padfoot sat on him by accident-"

"What? James-"

"He's fine, Padfoot got the worst of it actually, Pete bite him hard on his arse-"

"He what?"

"Right, nevermind, that's not what I- look," he refocused himself, using his hands. "What I'm saying is that, for some reason - or many, truth is that every stupid thing we ever did, was just that— stupid."

She chuckled, trying to follow. But now he looked at her more sombre.

"But suddenly, when you told me you were there… that night…" and Lily sensed the changed, "the night that… still puts my worst nightmares of losing the House Cup to the Slytherins as child's play" he tried to play but she could note by now the little details of how he fidgeted. "I just… I don't know, everything became way too real. Imagining you there, I… I don't know I just keep imagining what could have happened… what could have happened to you…"

Lily felt the urge to go to him and hold his hand. But she didn't, of course.

He brought his hand to his hair, giving her a shy smile. "It's enough to make a bloke feel sick, really."

She pressed her lips before starting "James I-"

"No, look, I know you can take care of yourself and- and that I have no right to say what you should or should not do, and it shouldn't have taken me this long to realize how dumb me and the boys can be and-"

"James," she repeated, taking a couple steps closer to him, quieting him down. She smiled. "I understand alright? You were actually able to explain yourself pretty well."

"I did?" he looked in disbelief, but also wanting validation.

"Yeah but… you also said some things…"

James sighed. "Yeah, I know, I- I was just trying to be dramatic but I am sorry, I apologize for how… it came out, I guess."

Lily nodded, looking down before asking shyly "All of it?"

James gulped, knowing what she was referencing. The last thing he revealed to her right before leaving the room at the pretence he had Quidditch practice to attend.

He sighed and put his hands on his trouser's pockets — just in case. "Lily I… I know you might not believe it but I really did… you know, liked you… back then. I know I had a funny way to show it but… you know I used to watch you?"

"What, when?" she grimaced, confused.

"Er, third year, fourth year… last year too, actually." She laughed genuinely surprised. "I kept checking on you when you stayed righttt— there." He gotten closer and pointed at a spot between books where her favourite desk could be seen. She saw it and turned at him, confused.

"What do you mean, what did you watch?"

He smirked. "Your legs, mostly."

She rolled her eyes at him but it relaxed her, and she punched his shoulder.

"And, and" he continued, shrinking from her attack "… how you keep touching your thumb with your other fingers" He showed what he meant and she recognized the tick immediately. "Like that. How you just read for hours at a time, I kept popping in every once in awhile, just checking if you were still there… if you were alright…"

Her insides started twisting as she heard him speak of these things, not mortifying him how it did her.

"Then I would finally come up with the courage and the perfect way to get to talk to you - you know, normally it would be a well curated joke that you would easily dismiss just as easily as you'd blow out a candle or something…"

"I didn't know! And you were-" she started defending herself but he stopped her.

"I know, I know, I'm not- I'm not telling you these things to change anything or you know, to make you feel bad…"

She nodded.

"Well OK, maybe just a bit" he smirked.

She rolled her eyes at him again. "Then why are you telling me all of this?"

He shrugged, still with his hands on his pockets. "I guess just so you know… you know? You deserve that. Everyone deserves it. I mean, I'd give anything to hear it back so."

Lily flushed again and took a shaky breath in.

"Relax Lily, I know we're friends, I mean— we are friends, right?"

She pressed her lips but nodded.

"Good" he said, looking at her face. "It means a lot to me, I mean it, I don't wanna ruin it. But I guess I… I just wanted to be honest with you. It's only fair that you know that… it's always gonna be there, you know? You and me…"

When had James Potter began to take her breath away and put her heart drumming on her chest like a god damn marching band?

James licked his lips and, in a swift move, he quickly gave her a kiss on the cheek.

He looked carefully for her reaction. "Friends do that, right?"