Chapter 15: the picture of dorian grey
"When one is in love, one always begins by deceiving one's self, and one always ends by deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance."
A year prior, Lily had spent her birthday first by unwrapping some presents early in the morning, from both her parents (that also signed under the name of her older sister although Lily knew better by then) and writing back a thank you letter right away. Books from her friends, a hat from Marlene, and one pretty pen gifted by Jamie that she still kept as one of her most prised possessions. She had carefully curated her day to be split by slots dedicated to different people in her life because Merlin forbid she could spend a quiet day with all her favourite people together. Back then, it still included Severus.
"To be anywhere near you, it's like getting close to a haunted house. You feel the cold without getting in."
She shook her head to push that voice away, those words, those haunted words.
This year however, this day where she turned seventeen, she did indeed feel slightly different from the previous day but not necessarily because of the new possibility to do magic outside of Hogwarts, but probably more to do with the conversations she had during the celebration party she just had.
It was early in the morning and she was starting to feel a bit stupid, standing in the cold air of the outskirts of Hogwarts, sitting in the rocks, looking out into the lake and seeing her breath make waves in front of her. She breathed in deep and before she could sigh, she heard footsteps behind her.
9 hours earlier
"Kingsly I'm telling you, you'll like it!"
"Look Evans, I know it's your birthday and all but I'm in charge of the music. I mean, you of all people should understand, imagine if everyone would have a say on the song choice. It would be Yellow Submarine all night on loop."
"Hey, don't trash the boys alright, George deserves better. And I'm not everyone, when have I disappointed you with my taste in music?"
She coked her head to the side and he looked at her thoughtfully before giving in and taking the record she was holding as if her life depended on it.
"Lily!" Marlene called, pushing away the crowd. "Mary did not just organize you the party of the year for you to pester the DJ the entire night"
"I wasn't—"
"Calm down McKinnon, she's actually behaving well enough and besides, a no-Marauders party would never mean party of the year." Shacklebolt turned to Lily. "Don't tell them I said that— especially Lupin."
He winked at her and she giggled.
"That's not true!" Marlene shrilled.
"Hate to break it to you Marls but it is. Those idiots had to get themselves caught when they've actually been pretty quiet…you know, in comparison." Dorcas added, looking around with red wine in her glass - a signature of hers.
"Didn't they get Slughorn drunk the other night just for fun?" Marlene asked.
"Well quieter - in the past, that would have been the entire Hufflepuff 7th years. Now is just one professor" Dorcas rectified, shrugging.
"Look Marlene I'm done OK? Kingsly is playing my suggestion." She raised a finger to mention the rusty voice echoing on the charmed columns accompanied by guitar strings and drums. "Patti Smith - cool, huh? Told you" she moved briskly her pointing finger to the boy in charge of the music.
He raised his hands up complicit. "So far so good"
Dorcas took in the record and looked at the cover. "Blimey, what a badass"
"G-L-O-R-I-A" Lily started singing along, pulling Marlene's hand to the centre of the room, dancing together. "Gloooria"
The girls were jumping and laughing when Daniel joined, touching Lily's lower back. She looked at him with a smile but kept dancing with her friend, feeling like she was eleven again when her sister and her danced in their parents bed.
The song then gave way to ABBA's So Long and Lily looked sceptical to Kingsley who was, understandably, rolling his eyes to a pretty desi 5th year and Lily laughed loudly as he muttered a fuck off to her. She sang along happily with a much more excited Marlene.
They say that money's got a magic touch
But not to me, it doesn't mean that much
The girls were shouting when Frank Longbottom joined the circle showing off (or some would call it) his moves.
So long, see you honey
You can't buy me with your money
More people kept joining and Lily just as fast thought how happy she was, as she thought that she wished James were there.
He had gone outside.
Unconsciously James tried to target from the castle's view in a January cold evening, the window light where a group of 6th years and a couple more others must be celebrating the soon to be birthday of a certain red-head. He was smoking, hoping she was having a good time, hoping she was laughing.
"Mate," Sirius called, walking out of the entrance for the tunnel that would lead to the Shrieking Shack.
James offered him his cigarette which he accepted.
"Moony and I talked earlier today" he paused to let out the smoke from his lungs, "and honestly, Wormtail and I can take over tonight. You can go to Evans' party it's alright, we know how important it is for you."
Sirius took another drag before giving it back to James who had a confused expression on his face.
"What are you talking about?"
"You know what I'm talking about Prongs, it's OK for you to go. Really, we can take it over here."
James shook his head, as he finished the cigarette, dropping it on the floor and stepping on it. "Don't be daff."
"No, look I mean, we talked and-"
"Padfoot," James interrupted cold and flat, "you know me, what the hell are you talking about?"
Sirius sighed but had a glimpse of his grin. "I told Moony you would never bend but he kept pushing— Wormtail owes me 10 nickels." He chuckled, shaking his head.
"Good" James said, hiding his hands from the cold air in his pockets.
"Doesn't mean I agree though. It really would be OK, you know? It's one night after all…"
James rolled his eyes. "Doesn't matter, we promised each other. It could be the birth of my first son and I would still…" Sirius raised a challenging eyebrow at his friend, grinning "well… consider it at least"
Sirius barked a laugh and James had to join with a smile.
"At least I'm not lying to her, you know. I mean I should have suspected it, that girl is a walking question mark and this one thing she's never even raised an eyebrow."
Sirius snorted. "Yeah… she's a bit more fun now without that vulture always circling around."
"Mhm" was James' only response.
"Does she know what we do here?"
"I don't think so. And can you blame her? Not even I believe it at times, this is lunatic." They chuckled together. "Who's brilliant idea was it anyway?"
"Yours you imbecile"
"Really? I'm pretty sure it was yours"
"Mate my idea was for Moony to bite us"
"Oh right"
"Yeah but to be fair, we only thought of one other idea and went with it"
"Why change a winning team?"
"Cheers"
The two looked up at the castle for awhile and Sirius was humming Bob Dylan's Blowin' in the Wind.
Yes, and how many times must a man look up
Before he can see the sky?
James turned. "C'mon, let's go"
"You can tell her, you know, if you want" James didn't understand. "About what we do here. If you want— to be completely honest with her. If you trust her, so do I. So do we."
James hadn't even thought about it but it swelled his heart for some reason, to hear his friend offering. He put his hand on his shoulder "You just want her to say your animagus is definitely cooler than mine."
Sirius chuckled. "A deer mate. Wormtail and I can walk in anywhere and everywhere we want but no, not you. You had to be the most pompous animal around."
James shrugged, walking back still arm around Sirius. "We've been through this Padfoot, two words: ant-lers. It's like a freaking crown in my head at all times- as it should."
Sirius snorted. "Idiot"
The hours had gone by well past midnight which meant Lily was officially of age. And she wasn't expecting to feel anything particularly different, she knew well by now that the new year had been building up on her like English ivy. What she wasn't expecting however, was to feel all the past Lilies inside her, all holding hands through space and time, fingers intertwined heavy in her heart, heavy enough to make it hard to breath.
She told Mary she was alright yes, and walked out through the entrance portrait to be quickly greeted by an elegant and incandescing full moon shining through from the northern tall windows. Lily took a relieved deep breath in and fell against the wall behind her to let it go. There she is, she thought, there she is.
"Alright there birthday girl?" a voice called, coming from the corridor.
"Frank," she smiled sincerely, recognizing him walking towards her "what're you up to?"
He grunted as they both sat down on the floor, "Just took a couple of Hufflepuffs to their dorm. Head Boy duties don't stop even for a very nice party - actually, especially then. Alice just took the opposite route to Ravenclaw's tower."
Lily grimaced. "I'm so sorry, I should have gone ahead myself, it's not fair you're the ones—"
"Nah," Frank stopped her. "Don't worry about it, it's our role. Besides," he looked at her with a glimpse in his eye, "I'm sure you'll have your chance to do it soon enough" he winked and she nudged him with a shy smile.
"Yeah, I don't know about that yet. I can still do something real crazy in the meantime like… oh I don't know, get married at seventeen?" She played with a wide smile.
"Ah there it is" he said and she laughed. "I'm eighteen, you know?"
"Oh I'm kidding, of course. I'm happy for you two, really" She smiled with her honest eyes at him and he had to believe her.
"Thanks."
There was a pause where Frank was looking at his hands with a hint of a smile.
"Can I ask you a question though?" Lily felt brave enough to put forward.
He looked at her. "Sure."
She licked her lips not necessarily certain of what was the actual question, just a ghost of her own insecurities.
"How did you… or more like, why did you…"
He looked at her crazy and she chuckled embarrassed.
"I mean… what made you take the leap? Weren't you terrified— aren't you still?" She finally spoke in her characteristic grave voice.
He adjusted himself trying to access those emotions.
"I guess… for me, it's not like I wasn't terrified, on the contrary, I'm always afraid." She blinked, paying careful attention to his words. "I am. I mean, who wouldn't? It's scary out there, whoever says otherwise, they don't know what they're talking about Lily - they should be."
He looked at her gravely to make sure she understood and she nodded, gulping. A thought of Jamie crossed her mind.
In that moment, Lily could quickly identify the muffled sound coming from the now dying party, as Bob Dylan's The Times They Are A-Changin'.
Come gather round people wherever you roam
And admit that the waters around you have grown
"But with Alice," and he relaxed as he said her name and Lily's eyes shone at the scene, "she makes me the strongest man alive, she's my strength. It's cheesy alright, I know, but I have this idea that she is literally my heart, walking around outside of me. Just walking up and down, existing as one of my living organs that carries all my vitality" he talked with his hands up in a cup and Lily grimaced at the vision but was smiling. "So," he continued, "the way I see it, the closer she is, the better I am— stronger. The more one piece I am, you know. Does that makes sense?"
Lily gave him a watery smile, talking hoarsely. "Yeah, it does. Very macabre" and he chuckled, "but sweet. You two are an inspiration. Not sure any parent would think the same way but-"
He barked a laugh and she grinned as well.
"Come mothers and fathers throughout the land / And don't criticize what you can't understand." She quoted huskily the song that had just played.
There was a pause before he broke it.
"What about you, Lily?"
She looked at him. "What about me?"
"You're afraid?"
She smiled with sombre eyes and admitted. "Terrified."
He nodded. "That's alright. We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the sky. We're all terrified, we keep balancing out with whoever feels the bravest that day and move forward that way."
A silent pause.
"Sometimes, I-…" She started, but had to swallow a lump in her throat to continue, "I think I'm destined to be alone."
"No, come on, you don't believe that"
She gave a pained smile and whispered. "Not all the time"
"Well, know that's never true"
She nodded. "Yeah"
In that moment, someone opened the portrait to come out and Billy Joel's Piano Man could be heard.
"Lily?" it was Daniel. "I should probably head back now."
"Oh, right" she breathed in deep, clearing her watery eyes and starting to get up.
"I should go too. Wrap it up inside" He nodded to Daniel. "Hum, and Lily?"
She looked up at him and he squeezed her arm.
"Maybe today is a good day to be brave, huh? Starting seventeen as a true Gryffindor."
She gave him a small smile and he winked, leaving the two alone in the corridor.
Lily walked to Daniel, playing with her own hands. "Hi."
"Hey you" he said, "what was that about?"
"Oh," she looked at where Frank had disappeared. "It's nothing, I was just congratulating him on his engagement. Did you hear he's engaged?"
"Yeah… kind of crazy right? I mean that's not what he was telling you to do right— propose?"
"Merlin no," she laughed and he breathed out. "No, he was just being a friend, I guess."
Daniel nodded and placed her growing bangs to the side, behind her ears. "Your hair's grown a bit already. I like it."
"Yeah," Lily played with her own hair "don't know what I was trying there". She gave him a shy smile.
"Just let it grow now" that's all he said.
She nodded in understanding.
"Look Daniel, I-"
But he kissed her. And, like it normally did, it felt nice. Sometimes it's good, she thought, sometimes there's nobody else.
The kiss ended and Lily stayed on it a bit longer, not wanting to do what she was about to.
He rubbed her arms on the side, up and down and she looked up at him expectantly.
"Just wanted to make sure I got one last one before goodbye."
She pressed her lips and her eyes immediately filled with tears.
"I'm so sorry" she whispered.
He shrugged. "Is there anything I can do?"
She shook her hear. "I wish I knew better but I guess I'm just- too broken right now. I'm sorry, I should never have led you in."
He snorted and she found it strange. "What?"
"It's nothing, sorry. Don't worry about it, you did not led me in, I promise"
She pushed it. "Tell me."
He sighed before giving in. "It's just a stupid thing my friends warned me about before we started going out. They're idiots."
There was a pregnant pause and Lily was starting to become impatient. "Daniel, please."
He looked down at her. "They said that to be anywhere near you, it's like getting close to a haunted house. You feel the cold without getting in."
She breathed in deep to steady her from the blow of what she just heard.
"Listen Lily, it's not true OK but— you must know… you didn't led me in. You never let me close enough at all to do it. So definitely don't worry about that."
"Right," she said, holding the tears in place with her arms crossed, just wanting him to leave her alone.
He bit his lip and, luckily, clearly not knowing what else to say, gave her a last kiss on the forehead and started to walk away.
"I'll see you around, alright?"
She gave him a cold sharp nod and he disappeared, finally leaving her alone, and terribly lonely.
By morning, gone was any trace of good that Daniel Indigo had charmed into her pretend life of a regular teenager. It was early, too early for any other Sunday and for one after a birthday party was a blasphemy, but something told her that if she didn't get up right now, later on she might not do it at all and spend the whole day in bed.
So she took her shower, got dressed quietly and took a book to head downstairs to have an early breakfast— hopefully before anyone else and avoid any encounters she was not at all looking for. But before she could get to the Great Hall, a great gasp came out of our mouth as she looked at the entrance door of the castle— a blinding, dazzling, silver animal stood there, looking at her, making her freeze in place. They stared at each other for awhile and after its ears flicker and its nose seemed to smell its surroundings, Lily finally woke to the realization that it was a corporeal Patronus— a deer.
Once it started to walk away, it paused to look back at her and make her understand that she was to follow it. She blinked quickly and nodded in acceptance.
"Go on," she spoke softly, "I'll follow."
She did. And that's why she was now sitting down on the rocks near the lake, having followed the creature right before it evaporated somewhere around here. Her mind was conflicting between worrying that this might have been a trap from some nasty hateful death eater Slytherins to get her alone; to reminding herself that the Patronus is a form of advanced magic which acts like a shield of positive force, a projection of hope and happiness. Could death eaters project happiness from the idea of her torture? She sure hoped not.
She breathed in deep and before she could sigh, she heard footsteps behind her.
She turned quickly and, holding her breath, she saw some bushes giving way to what first looked like a horse walking towards her. But then she knew— it was no horse, it was a stag. Beautiful. The same one she had seen some months ago and still thought about from time to time, every time she walked outside, in the hopes she would find him again.
The air was heavy with expectation, she couldn't believe her eyes. Before she could walk towards him and dare to touch it, he gave out a grunt that stopped her in her tracks. And that's when it happened.
One second it was there and the next…
"Happy Birthday, Evans."