Chapter One Hundred and Forty Nine

Little Cretins

New Sunnydale, the world without shrimp - April 2007

Xander stared at his bowl of cereal. He picked up the spoon and moved the Lucky Charms around the bowl until he finally decided to pick up a few marshmallow pieces and shove them into his mouth. As he munched and crunched and moved them around his mouth he found his tongue settling over a strange texture. He swallowed, hard. Trying to get rid of whatever anomaly he'd put in his mouth, washed down with a large glass of orange juice. Then he went on eating from the bowl like nothing much had occurred. But little did he know something was happening deep inside him.

Something was afoot in Xander's stomach. The odd piece of cereal he'd swallowed was not a piece of cereal, at all, in fact, and so forth. It was a small reptilian demon, known for their affiliation with Lucky Charms. And love of milk. But tiny demons are often associated with fear, so once Xander had swallowed the poor little guy, it had no option other than to exact revenge. It created an elaborate world of Xander's impending fears. Let lose inside his mind, Xander Harris soon fell asleep.

He slumped over on the kitchen counter, his bowl of cereal abandoned. He saw things no man would wish for, no woman would want. He dreamed about the future, and the past, until the demon was done. Until he'd fed on enough of Xander's anxieties and saw that it'd gotten well out of hand, very quickly. He was pushing the man to the edge, well past the acceptable standard for a non-threatening, cute little fear demon.

His mind began on his most obvious fear; that he would be a bad father...

Xander dreamed of his son often, they didn't know it was a boy, but he had a feeling about it. He could imagine himself with a son. He thought about his son and he smiled, because he knew the love and pride he was going to feel for that boy. But there was also a root, nudging itself deep into his mind, that he was going to become like his own father. An alcoholic, a demeaning man who expected too much and didn't care about the results. Xander had never felt like his father was proud of him, he was too busy being yelled at. He transferred on his son. He couldn't become that man. He couldn't become his worst fear. All he wanted was to share his love for his child. So of course, Xander Harris was never going to be like his father. He'd grown too much, seen too much, saved the world one too many times, it made him different from his father in many ways. Least of all in the reasons why we survive, Xander knew how lucky he was to be alive and treasured - seized - the day as much as he could. He learnt that from Buffy, one of her many lessons.

But the demon pulled at his heartstrings anyway. He dreamed of his son playing catch in the backyard, only for his son to start growing a horn. He often feared that the baby would be part demon in some way, some revenge or hangover from Anya's demon days. But he knew in the back of his mind that it was truly impossible. Anya was human, he was human, therefore their baby had to be too. There was doubting her fidelity, Anya doted on him. She adored him. Loved him with all her heart. So the dream continued, his son started growing horns, right there in the backyard. He was doubling over in pain clutching his head, like the demon part of him was forcing its way out. Xander ran to him, cradling his little boy in his arms. There was love there, but also anguish, fear that this would become a reality. Fear for his unborn son at what he would have to endure should his life take this path.

The little gremlin giggled as he feasted upon Xander's fears. He was all but finished with his meddling, but Xander's mind had too much swimming around it. Once the demon was napping away inside him, his mind started making up it's own manifestations of his fears. He saw years of turmoil, other children, other demons, children who left home early because he'd treated them wrongly. Anya leaving him because he became depressed or turned to alcohol.

He tossed and turned his head on the counter until he felt Anya shaking him awake. "Hey, Xander? Xander?" She kept saying, because he was frightening her, muttering things, over and over. He lifted his head suddenly, staring at the uneaten bowl of very soggy cereal. Anya's mood instantly changed, and she hit him with the rag she was using to dry the dishes. "I thought you were dead!"

"Oi! Anya, what are you doing?!" Xander replied, peeling the rest of his body off the counter and turning to face his crazy wife.

"You were all floppy and you weren't moving! What was I supposed to think?" Anya replied, dropping the rag and folding her arms. She was visibly pregnant now, the bump having appeared a few months ago, and other than her nerves, she was pretty fine. Other than when Xander was giving her heart-attacks.

"I'm sorry An, I'm fine, I just fell asleep." Xander replied, calming down considerably and rubbing his head. He was fine. Honestly he was. He just kept having these bouts of anxiety. Something the demon didn't have much effect on to be honest, not that Xander knew that was the reason for his weird dream montage. He told Anya not to worry about him, to just focus on herself, on getting stuff for the baby, and that he'd be back from work later.

She let him go, but started up the nervous habit of chewing her nails again. For a moment she'd been so petrified that something might happen to him that she hadn't wanted him to leave her sight. She started thinking about all the things she wouldn't be able to do without him. That thought scared her. She'd been a vengeance demon for over a thousand years and she'd been fine by herself, now she couldn't live without Xander, he meant too much. She couldn't lose him, not ever.

As Xander slouched into his desk at work, hard hat on his desk, he had no idea who to call. Willow wouldn't understand this, he just tell him it was all going to be fine. He needed something different, he needed truth. From someone who knew, someone who was a parent, who knew what someone would sacrifice for their child. He needed someone to tell it to him straight, the deadline for his anxiety was rapidly approaching and he needed to be over this. He needed to be there for Anya. So he picked up the phone and called.

"Hello? Who is this?" Cordelia Chase said down the line. Xander had never called her from his office before, and not for a long while anyway, she didn't have his number saved.

"Oh surely you must remember me?" Xander replied, upping the charisma and leaning back in his office chair, almost tipping himself over.

"Xander? Oh my god!" Cordy squealed.

"It is I."

"But why are you calling? Not that I'm not excited to speak to you, but I don't have long, I'm taking Niamh to a music group this afternoon," she glanced at the clock on the wall, "in ten minutes actually."

"Actually, that's what I wanted to talk to you about - Niamh. Or just parenthood in general." He paused, not sure how to go about asking what he needed to know.

"Right, well just give me a second if you're going to be deep, because I have to get Niamh up, otherwise she'll fuss in the car. Ugh." Cordy groaned, putting the phone on her kitchen table and striding over to the cot in her daughter's bedroom. Niamh Chase was eighteen months old, and wonderful, not particularly fussing baby, if she got enough sleep. Which- having Angel for a dad, didn't always permit. Despite being human, he was still so adjusted to a night schedule that he often woke Niamh in the middle of the night for no reason other than to see her. Something Cordy was trying to get to the bottom on, Fred was helping but it wasn't going quite the way she hoped. Hence the irritability. She really didn't have time or the energy to speak to Xander, but he'd called and well, she felt bad for him.

Xander waited a minute in silence, twiddling his thumbs and practising what he was going to say. Cordelia caught him in the middle of whispering to himself and had he been in the room, she would've squinted at him in confusion and slight intrigue. She'd never seen Xander this anxious before. Actually, that was a lie, she had, but it was mainly when he was in high school and didn't know how to talk to girls he liked. For years, from what she'd heard anyway, Xander Harris was a reliable carpenter, a guy people depended on. Maybe it was getting too much pressure.

"Okay shoot." Cordelia said, returning to the phone with the baby in her arms.

"Cordelia, um. I don't know how to start this... err Anya's- I don't know." Xander stumbled, rubbing his forehead and considering hanging up.

"Spit it out weirdo!"

Xander sat up in his chair, he could do this, he could tell someone his worst fear. Other than Willow, he thought Willow actually knew everything about him at this point. But that wasn't the point, "me and Anya well, we got married, I don't know if you heard. And she's pregnant. I just can't turn out like my father. My dad he was-"

"Yeah, I remember. You hated your dad." Cordy interrupted, intermittently packing the bag to take out with Niamh.

"I can't be like him Cordy," Xander said, closing his eyes. His worst fear realised and laid out for judgement. He didn't want to be cold to his son, to have him hate him the way he hated his own father. He couldn't, it would break him.

"You won't be. Xander. Seriously listen to me. If I can make it work with a guy who used to suck blood and torture people for fun, whilst also being an amazing dad. Then I'm sure you can too."

"Yeah, I know but-"

"But nothing. Xander you are nothing like your father. I'm sure Willow and Buffy and all your other Scoobies have told you this a million times. I don't know why you need to hear it from me too. You're gonna be fine. You're gonna be a dad and that's great. Really, you're a good guy. A little dorkish but who isn't?"

Xander rubbed the back of his neck. Cordelia made it sound like he was being ridiculous, and it took him the slap in the face to realise it. "Thanks Cordy," he said almost leaping up out of his seat. "I gotta go."

"Anytime Xander." Cordelia said before hanging up and ushering Niamh out of the apartment. She rolled her eyes and smiled as she locked the door behind. Tutting at Xander's stupidity sometimes. Of course he was going to be a great dad. He was a great guy. Cordy paused the moment she thought that. Something had flipped, Angel had changed her, optimism was now spouting from her like a fountain. She hadn't thought about Xander in a while, but she realised she meant it. He really had turned into a great guy. Despite the crippling nerd he'd been in high school.

And Xander took himself home and talked to Anya.