Chapter One Hundred and Fifty Three

Curdled Custard

San Francisco, the world without shrimp - August 2007

He was standing outside the door like he was Danny Zuko, here to pick her up for date. It was creepy. How was she supposed to feel? He'd been distant for over a year, missing for the last few months, she hadn't even seen him since March. Now he was here, standing in her doorway, one arm raised, chewing on his bottom lip like he wanted her so badly he couldn't think of anything else. "What do you want, Spike?" She asked, her arms folded, a frown on her face. But one that could break if only he said the right thing.

"Thought maybe we could-" he raised an eyebrow, his right, the one with the scar running through it. She thought he was acting like a complete pig, turning up like this, unannounced, uninvited. Shame she hadn't got Willow to disinvite him from the apartment.

"No! Look Spike, why are you here? You can't just show up like this after months, like I won't care where you've been. Where have you been?"

"I don't know, just around-"

"Just around?!" Buffy cut him off, started to pace around the room. He was still standing in the arch of the doorway, minding his own business, staring at his nails, waiting for her to stop talking. "Spike don't you think I care about you at all!"

"Look Buffy, I just came over to say that-"

"No, no no no. You don't get to just say! I needed you around and you weren't here. I don't think you've been here-" she pointed to her head, "for two years now. I can't deal with it anymore. Either stay with me and mean it, or go away. And stay away, so I can move on." She was firm and serious, glaring at him. He tried making his eyes sparkle and melting her insides like he used to. But it just didn't work anymore, she was too furious.

"Slayer." Spike said, gritting his fangs. "The big tough slayer act is back. You gonna try and kill me next?" He was joking but her frown didn't fade. "I'm leaving town. I just thought I'd be considerate and at least tell you I'm leaving. Didn't wanna go breakin' your heart or nothing." He was pressing his forefinger into his chest and acting like she was in the wrong.

"Breaking my heart? You broke my heart months ago when you started obsessing over Drusilla again! What happened? I thought I was the one you were all obesessy over?" She couldn't believe she'd actually said that out loud. Did she want him to be obsessed with her? Or was she being honest because they were finally having an argument she'd been waiting months for.

"So the truth is out. You resent me for wanting Drusilla back. That's rich. I don't think you've ever known what you want Buffy. First you hate me, then you kiss me, then we start screwing because you feel depressed, then it's back to 'I don't love you, Spike.' Then you start telling me you do love me. I can't keep up with every bloody update!" He screamed, shaking his head violently as he burst into the apartment and stood in front of her.

"Spike," Buffy turned on him. "Do you love me?" She thought this question might stump him but he just turned and looked her dead in the eyes.

"It's not your fault," was all he said. He wouldn't look at her. The part of him that still cared was trying to protect her. "She's calling me back to her Buffy, I can't stay here with you otherwise she'll never accept me again. I have to leave. I just thought I was doing you the curtesy of telling you to your face."

Buffy's mouth fell open. "The curtesy? I want to say that you don't owe me anything Spike, but you do. You owe me months!" She didn't know how to end this, how to resolve this fight. She wanted him to go, but the magic words that would make him weren't coming to her. She shook her head, resting her forehead in her palm. Her hair was up and out of her face, and she was wearing her pyjamas. Spike had turned up in the middle of the night so she was just wondering how this had become her nightmare. She was sound asleep, happily dreaming about kittens, but now this was happening.

"Oh yeah! Not that I care, but what about when little Angel came around to his dark side huh? You let him back in after everything he did! What's so different about me now?" Spike yelled back. He knew he was meant to be leaving, but something was holding him here. Was this love? Or was he so blindsided by Drusilla that he didn't know right from wrong anymore? That his half-soul was conflicting with what he truly wanted.

"That was different! He lost his soul Spike! I lost his soul. That was my responsibility to stop, letting him back in was different. You haven't lost your soul, you're just- well I don't know what the hell is wrong with you. And why do you always bring Angel up? Is it him you're in love with?!" Buffy didn't know what'd happened to Spike all those months ago, she had guesses, but she couldn't know.

"Oh my god! No I am not in love with him. That's not even- I don't care anymore, I'm leaving you Buffy, I can't do this anymore. That's it. I'd done." Spike said with a finality that left Buffy speechless. She gaped after him as he left the apartment, her face falling into her hands as her anger broke and tears replaced it. Maybe it was for the best, that he was gone. But no, she couldn't think that, Spike meant too much. Didn't he? But he'd changed, it was like he took her for granted. He wasn't the guy who'd counted the days she'd been dead for, or the guy who'd let himself get beaten up to protect Dawn. And that was before Spike had a soul. The things he'd been for her; a rock over the year she moved back to San Francisco, a constant. He'd never hurt her, not properly anyway. Not after his soul was restored. And he cared about people, that's just who he was. Whoever that guy had been, was gone now. So Buffy sat back against the wall and cried. This was over.

Dawn found Buffy slumped over herself, asleep, in the morning. She looked terrible, half-awake, her eyes red-rimmed from crying. Dawn hadn't seen Buffy that broken for years. She knelt on the floor in front of her, cupping her cheeks and making her look up. "Buffy?" She whispered, not sure if her sister was up for responding. "Can you get to the bed?" She asked, watching Buffy closely for any small movement. She nodded slowly, her head aching and so, so heavy. Dawn wrapped her arms around her shoulders and pulled her up off the floor. She walked her carefully to her room and dropped her down on the bed. She noticed Buffy was still in her pyjamas so her clothes didn't need changing. She just looked so exhausted. Dawn hung in the doorway for a few minutes, just watching Buffy's chest rise and fall, by time she asked, "do you need anything else?" She was already out.

The day came and went. As the sun set, Dawn realised Buffy wasn't going to get out of bed and patrol. So she went herself, alone. She could've called Leo to go with her, but she didn't want to. She was twenty one. Legally she was allowed to drink, legally she was allowed to do a lot of things. But patrolling alone was still ill advised. She didn't care right at this moment. Personally she wanted to string Spike up for hurting her sister, but she knew she couldn't. So she decided to take her energy out on some hapless demon in the cemetery.

When she arrived, dusk was peaking. The sun dipping behind the horizon line in a haze of peach-pink lemonade. Dwan hid behind a tree and waited. She was there for what seemed like hours, until something six foot tall and yellow came into the clearing. It was looking around, checking for vampires or people, or whatever. Racoons? Dawn wasn't sure, but it looked lost. She stepped out from the shadows, axe poised at her shoulder like a gun. She waited for him to see her, to realise he was about to be beaten. But her presence didn't seem to startle him, he was looking for something else.

"Oi big guy!" She said, trying to think of a good pun, the way Buffy would. "You looking for me?" She internally cringed, surely she could do better than that. So she tried again, "hey! I'm talking to you!" But the demon kept looking around for something, making an odd snuffling noise. It was bent over, on its hands and knees, like a dog. "Oh come on," Dawn said, folding her arms and checking her nails and generally looking like this demon was completely wasting her time. Which is was. But the stance was a ruse to make herself bait. Not that the demon took any notice.

Dawn lunged forward, slinging the axe up and above her head, about the slash the demon into quarters. "Really? You're not gonna even fight back?" She said, and the demon turned its ugly head slowly to look at her. Its eyes were red and blotchy, creepy eyes, the kind that would peak out at you in the dark. It grunted as if to argue when Dawn's axe came crashing down on its head, splitting open its skull to reveal a splurge of gooey yellow brains. "Ewww!" Dawn yelled, dropping the axe in surprise as the demon took its last breath and collapsed into a murky puddle in the grass. The axe remained as the demon's guts watered the plants. She stood around in horror and disgust, trying to pluck off dried yellow goo from her jeans. "Well, that was gross." She said, picking up the axe from where it stood proudly, lodged in the ground. There was a hint of goo still lingering on the leather grip. Dawn wiped yet more of it onto her jeans, deciding they could probably get it out later with a decent stain remover.

She left the demon remains where they were and walked home. The streets looked so alive at night, when the heat was still ferocious even though the sun had gone down. The air was dry and thin, ideal for walking in. Not like the summer she'd spent in England, where the heat was so wet, so muggy. But even now, as her last year of college arrived, and she looked back at how much had changed. It felt like no time at all had passed. Buffy and Spike had argued, that wasn't new. Willow and Tara were practicing magic as always. Xander was building things. There was Jack, of course, he was very new. But she didn't get to see him much now she was back in classes. Dawn knew that after she graduated nothing would be the same. She'd be deployed somewhere, probably move out on her own, maybe with Leo. Buffy wouldn't need to look after her anymore.

She reminded herself that there would always be things that stayed the same. She'd always be washing some kind of demon insides off her clothing, regardless of where she went. And she would always need Buffy to be there.