Disclaimer: All characters belong to Larian Studios.
Ratings/Warnings: Rating MA, mentions of trauma, sexual violence, abuse, etc.
Author's Note: Nothing like video game brain rot so extreme that it pulls you out of an almost 10 year hiatus just to write a fanfic, but, here we are! Baldur's Gate 3 has completely consumed every waking moment since launch and I don't see it going away any time soon. I will say that this is in a completely different field of what I would typically write fan fiction in so I wanted to warn that this is much more mature that what I have previously posted in the past. Lots of heavy material! I have a second chapter in the works for this piece as well. Thank you for reading and let me know what you think! Thanks!
Simply Transactional
Astarion hissed quietly to himself as he once again came up empty handed. He had searched the woods surrounding camp for hours looking for something, anything, to feed from. Much to his disappointment there wasn't a single creature in the woods tonight, or the night before, or even the night before that, and he was borderline ravenous. He paused near a tree, listening intently for the sound of something scampering through the underbrush. He perked moments later when the sound of something large stepping cautiously through the forest graced his ears. He followed the sound, hunting his prey silently and quickly. Whatever it was, it was much larger than the mere squirrel or rabbit he was hoping to find. A fawn maybe? Perhaps a boar? Or, if he was lucky, even a bear.
Unfortunately, however, he was not that lucky. For the creature skipping through the forest wasn't even an animal at all. Instead, he sighed in disappointment as Tav emerged from the tree line. Not that he was particularly unhappy about seeing her, of course, but the hunger in his stomach was gnawing at his bones and he was hoping for a meal. Astarion leaned against a nearby tree, out of her line of sight, and waited for her to pass through. He wouldn't be able to hunt effectively if she was scaring off everything within the area.
Tav came upon a clearing in the dark forest. The moon shining overhead and the sound of a nearby waterfall filling the space almost entranced her. She stepped softly into the grass, feeling the first taste of dew chill her toes as she walked. Her pace had slowed as she took in the sights around her. The grass, the trees, the babbling water nearby, and finally, the heavens above.
"Stunning," she whispered to herself, "absolutely stunning." She lifted her arm in the air, watching intently as the moonlight danced along her fingers as she moved them. With her head still pointed towards the sky, she found herself almost dancing in circles, desperately trying to take in every star within her field of view. She continued to slowly spin as she made her way to the middle of the clearing, deciding that it would be the best spot for stargazing that night.
Astarion watched silently as Tav spun in small circles in the clearing; her eyes wide while looking at the moon and stars above. With a final twirl, she dropped to her knees and then onto her back before stretching out along the grass. For the first time since knowing her, he saw a genuine smile grace her lips as she ran her arms and hands through the grass beneath her. She used one arm to support her head while the other stayed by her side, twirling small blades of the greenery around her delicate fingers. She remained fixed on the constellations above, beginning to hum softly as she relaxed into the ground.
"Now that," Astarion murmured to himself, "would be quite the treat." He had fed from Tav before. Each time never being as satisfying as his very first taste of her blood, but was always a pleasure and a thrill. He waited in the tree line, hoping she would simply drift off to sleep and he could sneak in a bite. Not that he had to, of course, Tav was always willing to offer her neck to him when he was hungry. He only had to ask. Although, something stirred in him that made him crave the thrill of a hunt; to sink his teeth into an unsuspecting body. But, for now, simply asking would be good enough.
"Oh darling," he called to her as he emerged from his hiding spot, "how do you expect me to find a tasty meal with you stomping all through the woods? You're running off everything from here to the entrance of Baldur's Gate." Tav turned her head quickly, eyes wide as she realized she wasn't alone, and she partially sat up. With a hand firmly gripping the handle of her knife, she soon sighed, releasing her grasp as she realized it was only her companion that had snuck up on her.
"There are other places to hunt, Astarion." She said as she reclined back into the ground; her fingers once again finding blades of grass to fiddle with.
"And there are other places for you to play with weeds and yet here you are." Tav rolled her eyes, but Astarion couldn't tell if she was being playful or actually annoyed with him. Astarion found that Tav was particularly difficult to read. She was unlike anyone he had tried to seduce before. She wasn't one to be swooned by lovely phrases and pet names. She did not fall for his charms or his promises of ecstasy. She was, however, eventually persuaded into a night of passion and Astarion had accomplished his goal of finding someone to keep him safe. That night was weeks ago at this point and yet Tav was still not fully under his thumb. There were times where he found her to be cold and standoffish, but she was always there to lend an ear when he needed. As much as it pained him to say it, he was beginning to think of her more than just a means to an end. He enjoyed their time together and found himself craving her company more and more. Not that he would ever admit that to her, or himself, for that matter.
"Unless, of course, you wanted to be found," he teased as he approached her, "looking for another late night romp in the woods, dear?" He smiled, his fangs glinting in the moonlight as he looked down at her.
"Not particularly," she stated firmly. Her brows furrowed together as she looked up at him and her upper lip almost slipped into a look of disgust before she caught herself. "Although if you would like to join me and watch the stars, I wouldn't mind." she softly patted the patch of grass beside her. Begrudgingly, Astarion sat beside her, resting an arm on his knee as he supported himself with his other hand behind him. He quickly realized she was in one of her moods tonight and buttering her up for a bite at her neck was going to take effort. Although, no good meal was easy to come by, and the warm, rich blood of a thinking creature was exquisite.
"You really should be more careful at night," he said after a few more moments of silence, "there is danger all around. It would be a pity if someone or something were to slice open that stunning neck of yours."
"I've never been afraid of death, Astarion," Tav said quietly, "Hells, every night I've wished and prayed for my death since I was a child." Astarion felt his unseating heart drop into his stomach. Did he hear her correctly? Surely he didn't. His scarlet eyes remained fixed on her face, waiting for her to follow up. However, she avoided his gaze and only continued to stare into the night sky.
Tav was a closed book. In the weeks and months following the crash, he barely knew anything about her past. Although, up until he started craving her company, he truthfully didn't care to know. He wasn't interested in where this tadpole infested half-elf had come from. His only concern was securing her favor and her protection. But even then, she was not too keen on sharing her past with the other companions. Whenever the question arose around the fire or during a trek, Tav always managed to avoid going too deep with her past. The only thing he truly knew about her was that she was alone before the crash. No family. No companions. Just Tav. Whatever horrors or pleasures she experienced before being scooped up by the Nautiloid, she preferred to keep close to her chest.
"So what do you fear, my dear?" he asked cautiously as the silence continued.
"Him finding me again," she whispered, "I would rather die a thousand deaths before I am thrown back into that cage. Back into that tomb. I don't think I have the strength to escape again. Not that he would let me, mind you." Her eyes scanned the sky above, looking for something to latch onto and ground herself as she felt the fear rise in her throat. She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply, holding it for a moment before the shaky exhale left her lips and she reopened her eyes.
"I was a child when I was taken. Ripped from my family and my bed; only to be thrown into a metal cage. Left to go hungry, to sit in filth and squalor, alone and afraid. I was so afraid…" her voice quivered as the sentence trailed off her lips. The faintest hint of tears forming in her eyes as she began to relive the nightmares she tried desperately to hide.
"How old?" Astarion asked softly. He was taken back, not expecting this to be the conversation for the evening, but also at the surprise he felt at Tav opening up to him. He had told her bits and pieces of his past to try and earn her trust, but he had never pressed her for information on herself. A twinge of guilt shot through him as Tav prepared to tell her life story to someone who was actively manipulating her.
"I don't know," she said softly, "I can't remember. It was so, so long ago. I was young, I do know that. I needed a light to scare off the monsters of my dreams so I could sleep peacefully. I slept with a teddy, I think." Astarion had never heard Tav speak like this. Her voice was quiet and full of sorrow. Although she had her moments, Tav was a generally optimistic person. Always the first to reassure her companions that they would find a way to free themselves of their tadpoles and even offered her services to each companion to help them with their own personal demons. But tonight, the headstrong woman was gone and had instead been replaced by a girl who had never experienced a moment of kindness. She was ripping open old wounds she had long since sewn shut.
"I don't remember much of my life before then. It comes as fragments, sometimes to me in dreams, sometimes as familiar tastes and smells, or sometimes just out of thin air. They are few and far between, but they are the few fragments that remind me that I had something before all of this. Something other than fear." She gripped the grass beneath her fingers tighter, almost ripping it from the soil. She hesitated going further with her tale. She didn't fully trust Astarion, but she was ready to unburden herself with the memories flooding back into her mind.
"I can't even remember my parents. Their faces are nothing but a blur, their names have long left my memory. Hells, sometimes I wonder if I even had them. They are nothing but ghosts. What I do remember, though, is the night I was taken. I could never forget that. I had never known fear like that." Astarion took his arm from his knee and placed his hand on Tav's, trying to reassure her as she told her tale, but before he could interlace his fingers with hers, she snatched her hand away. She was breathing heavily and she clenched her fist. Her fingers nestling and squeezing the fabric of her shirt as she placed her hand upon her chest.
Astarion watched as Tav began to spiral into her thoughts. Her eyes were frantic, quickly looking around as she relived the horrors deep in her mind. Her breathing was slow and deep, trying to center herself. He could see her pulse pounding in her throat and he felt something almost tickle his brain with desire as he watched the pressure point of her neck rise and fall rapidly; tempting him. From behind his lips, he ran his tongue along his fangs, trying to control the vampiric hunger he could feel all over. Before he could stop himself, he instinctually found himself beginning to lean down towards her, aching to sink his fangs into the soft skin of her throat. Silently, he thanked the gods she hadn't noticed him inching closer to her, afraid he would have scared her off or ended the night with her dagger at the base of his skull.
"Are you still there, darling?" He whispered in her ear, trying to pull her back to him.
"Sorry," she muttered, "Ignore me. I'm keeping you from your hunt, you should just…go."
"Oh, nonsense, dear," Astarion reclined back on his arm, his body turned towards Tav, "You're among friends here. You've listened to me discuss my past on countless occasions. You've always had a kind heart for that sort of thing. The least I can do is return the favor while you're working on… whatever… this is that you're going through."
Tav wrestled with his words in her mind. Deep in her heart she knew he wasn't being sincere. A hungry vampire stopping his hunt simply to spend time with her? No, something was off. But then again, something always was with Astarion. From the moment they met, he filled her ears with pet names and compliments. Even though she didn't mind hearing those things from someone that wasn't her old overseer, she knew it was all an act. And tonight was no different.
"They pulled me from my bed in the middle of the night. I screamed and cried, hoping someone would come for me, but they never did. I found myself being drug through Baldur's Gate in the dead of night, still screaming for help, down through dirty streets and slums. They took me out of the city, for miles and miles, far enough to where you couldn't even see the towers on the horizon. We came to a manor, set deep in the woods, sprawling grounds with dark flowers and haunting statues. The manor belonged to Lord Oaklarth, a drow who, up until I was found by the mind flayers, was my keeper. My captor. I would have never thought that a tentacled face menace would be my savior from the hell I found myself in." Tav was whispering now, afraid that simply speaking Oaklarth's name would conjure him to her. With a tremor in her voice, she continued her story.
"He's a self proclaimed Lord, with no actual ties to any throne. Oaklarth believes himself to be above others; to be better than them. He has made it his personal mission to rid the world of all those that are imperfect and to rebuild this gods-forsaken place in his image. But in order to do that, he needs to know how he can change all of those beneath them; how to make them perfect. He needed participants, test subjects, to experiment on. Someone like me." Tav's eyes remained fixed on the sky, silently wishing she could live among them instead of Faerûn.
"He had me thrown in a cage not even big enough for Scratch. It was cold and filthy filled with vermin and insects. I spent a lifetime in that cell, never seeing the outside world. The sun, the moon, the stars, even grass, eventually became foreign to me. Like I'd imagined they'd ever existed. My memory has faded over time and all I've grown to know is the familiar cold of stone and sting of a whip. I'd been left to crawl in my own filth until they were ready for me. Until he was ready for me. I waited for days upon days, given scraps for food thrown between the bars. The guards would laugh as they threw food in; they relished watching me scarf it down like the animal I was. They'd beat me through the bars if they deemed I was being too greedy or too unappreciative for the slop they fed me. They'd beat me more if I screamed during my punishment and I wouldn't see food or water for a week. It was then that I'd first asked the gods for death, but no one granted me my wish." Her voice was sad, a whine almost escaping.
"I was stupid to think that was the worst that would happen in my time there. That was the nicest thing they did. I was quickly turned from captive to experiment. Potions forced down my throat, spells cast over me, dark magic ripping through my body and mind. Every day was a ritual. I was pulled from my cage, being drug along a cold stone floor to the inner chambers, and the experiments would begin. Sometimes it was quick, other times it would last hours, depending on what was being done. And by the end I was always thrown back into my confinement to see the results. One potion made me go blind for a time, leaving me to feel and hear my way around that dungeon. Boils and blisters would form on my skin and burst with the slightest touch and left scars all over. Crippling pain, cuts, body spasms…everything you can imagine I endured. But after years of torture and torment, I was blessed to finally catch his attention, and I suffered even more." Tears were streaming down Tav's face by this point. She dug her fingers into her arms as she remembered her horrors; her body arching as memories flashed.
"Tav…" Astarion said softly, reaching over to squeeze her hand in his. Her usually warm hands were like ice, almost colder than his own, as all of her body heat rushed to her face. Her cheeks were hot and red with emotion, streaks of her tears shining in the moonlight. Astarion couldn't help but watch as those tears fell from her cheeks and down her neck. He cursed himself for once again finding this to be his focal point. He didn't want to think of his hunger in this moment. He was no longer interested in taking a bite from his companion tonight. Instead, he ached to take her in his arms and hold her tight until she felt safe. He cared and he wanted her to know this. But once again his instincts had his eyes transfixed to her nape.
"You don't have to keep going if it's too much. I don't want to see you upset." He genuinely meant what he said. Her tale was eerily similar to his own and his own memories were starting to make him squirm.
"No," he said as she shook her head, "You need to hear this. I was older, barely cresting the horizon of womanhood, when he finally set his hands to me." Tav pulled her hand from his, once again flexing and clenching her fingers as she spoke. It felt as if a stone had been dropped in Astarion's stomach, twisting in knots as he knew where her story was heading.
"I screamed as loud as I could that night, until my voice was gone and my vocal cords ached. Never stopping while his filthy hands and mouth were on my body. Scratching and clawing, hoping he'd release me and let me rot in my cage. But, as luck would have it, screaming and fighting only encouraged him. He was relentless, violent, and cruel. And when he was finally done, he threw me back in my cave, bleeding and exposed. I begged for my death that night. Everyone in the manor knew what happened simply from my screams, but when the guards came by that night to toss me my meal for being such a good girl, they laughed. They mocked me. They thought it was the most humorous thing they could ever imagine." Tav was angry, seething with rage as she remembered that night.
"He took everything from me. My home, my freedom, my innocence…and he took it again, and again, and again. Every night I was taken to his bed chambers and he had his way with me. Without fail. And then every night I was discarded back into my confinement until he was ready to use me again. After some time I stopped screaming. I stopped fighting. What was the point? No matter what I did, he wouldn't stop. I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of my fear, though. He fed off it, it's what he craved. Instead, I would just lay there, emotionless, getting lost in my own thoughts until everything was over. Oh, how he hated it." Tav was shaking with anger, her lips curled into a look of disgust as she dug even further into her own flesh.
Astarion shifted uncomfortably; trying to shake away the feelings creeping into his bones. He and Tav were so much alike. Both were plucked from their lives without so much as a warning and tossed into a seemingly endless cycle of pain, torture, and abuse that left them physical and psychological scars. Each had also suffered greatly at the hands of one who found that manipulation through sex was the easiest, and most sadistic, way of controlling their pets. Then, as if by fate, both were taken upon the Nautiloid and deposited within walking distance of each other after the wreck.
"You're safe here, free, even. You are free from your master as I am free from mine. On my honor, I'll keep you safe, Tav." Astarion spoke honestly. He actually felt sympathetic towards her; for the first time in his waking memory he felt pity for someone other than himself. He knew what it was like to live each day in fear, ruled by someone far more powerful and evil than himself. It was an odd feeling. Astarion wasn't the type to feel sympathy or sadness towards the plight of another; he had enough of his own to deal with. But with Tav it was different. His undead heart ached as she sat beside him, tears falling down her face as she shook with both anger and fear. He wanted to keep her close; to keep her safe. More uncharted territory to explore, but he was beginning to think that Tav herself was worth the trouble. He was beginning to think that just maybe he was beginning to like her for reasons other than what she could provide.
"Not that it matters," Tav spat as her words broke him out of his thoughts, "even in this group it's the same. I'm only valued for what I can provide. For what I can give to others and what they can take." By now she was sitting up, legs crossed and fingers digging into her knees as she spoke.
"Oh come off, darling, that's not true." Astarion gave an anxious laugh, trying to diffuse the anger that was very quickly filling his companion, "Everyone here thoroughly enjoys you for…you."
"Really?" Tav snapped, her head whipping around to face Astarion for one of the few times that night. Her eyes once again filling with anger and tears as she spoke again. "Is that so? So you had no other intentions in mind when you brought me into the woods that night? You felt something towards me in the brief weeks we'd known each other? No. Do not lie to me. You wanted something, or maybe you still do, but your intentions were not and have not been pure. Even now!" Tav now found herself on her feet, standing above her companion as she let her brewing rage spill over and out of her mouth, "You're not here tonight because you wanted to stare at the stars with me or even enjoy my company. You've been staring at my neck all night. You think I haven't noticed? It's practically written all over your face. You came here for a meal. Nothing more, nothing less. I may not be the most well versed in interactions with strangers, but I'm not naive. I've spent my entire life watching others, seeing if they can be trusted or what their intentions are. I see through you."
"Then why in the sweet Hells would you agree to bed me?!" Astarion shouted back as he made his way back to his feet. He found himself filling with anger as well. However, this anger wasn't directed towards Tav, but instead towards himself. He just couldn't decide if he was angrier with being caught in his intentions or that he had missed his opportunity to make this situation genuine between them.
"We needed something from one another! Because this, whatever we're calling it between us, is simply transactional. Nothing more. Is it not? You needed something from me and I provided. I needed something from you and you provided. It's a transaction; an exchange of goods and services. I at least have the decency of not trying to hide that and call this a relationship. You hide behind gentle touches and sickly sweet words to wiggle your way into people. You never wanted me, Astarion, you wanted only what I could provide you." Her lips snarled as she spoke, dripping venom into her words as she raised her voice. Tav clenched her fists tightly, her knees locking in place to keep her from falling over. Never in her life had she lost her temper in front of another, let alone towards someone for fear of torture as a result. But she was tired. Tired of being used for her body. Before Astarion could answer, Tav spoke again.
"Well, I think we know enough about each other for the time being. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'd like to be alone," Tav hissed, "Enjoy your hunt." With a turn of her heels, she set off back towards the tree line, seeking the safety and comfort of her camp tent. He reached for her, trying to take her hand in his own so they could discuss their issues further. With a flick of her wrist she swatted him away, leaving Astarion alone in the clearing.
"So that's it, then?" he called after her, "We're done with the conversation?" Astarion threw his hands in the air as he watched her storm off. Why was she always so difficult?
Tav snuck her way back into camp, being careful not to awaken her sleeping companions, and into her tent. She hastily closed the flap and paced the inside of her living quarters. Her mind and pulse were racing, her thoughts swirling with the argument she'd had with Astarion. She had told him too much and had lost her temper. What was she thinking? She should have endured and let things carry on as they had been. At least if he could keep him satisfied, he could keep her safe. Maybe even help her with Oaklarth after they had the tadpoles under control. That's how alliances worked, did they not? She offers herself and then she can be owed a favor, her desire for genuine affection be damned. But something deep inside her craved the love she had been so desperately stripped of her entire life. She didn't want a facade. She wanted something real. But there was no time for that now. Safety was more important than happiness, after all.
"Not that it matters now, you stupid, stupid girl." She muttered to herself as she climbed into her bedroll. It took time, but she eventually drifted off into a light sleep, the memory of the stars dancing through her dreams as she curled into herself.
Astarion found himself coming back to camp long after Tav had drifted off to sleep. Looking across the dirt of the camp, he noticed the entrance to Tav's tent was closed, an unusual sight. He pinned to speak with her, his anger being short lived, but ultimately decided to leave the conversation tabled for now. They both needed to rest and reconvene with a clear mind and a full belly. Instead, he entered his own tent, sighing as he rested along his bedroll. His stomach still ached with hunger, having still not found a morsel to feast upon, but he pushed the feelings down as he returned to his thoughts. He stared at the ceiling of his tent as he tried to form the words he needed when he spoke to Tav in the morning. He would apologize and tell her how he felt. She deserved something real. He wanted them to be something real.