One Piece: Strawhat Theater

"Our Mrs. Monkey"

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan-based work of prose. One Piece is the property of Toei Animation, Funimation, and Eiichiro Oda. Please support the official release.

Meanwhile, on Elegia...

Plus a bonus: Dressing Acenath.

Elegia

A thunderstorm boomed and rolled off in the distance. No rain was coming down yet, but the sky was blackened as far as the eye could see, like a roiling tar pit.

Uta stood on top of one of the ruined buildings of her island kingdom, a half-sunken stone relic of a bygone time. She narrowed her eyes as a tall cloaked visitor approached, standing on the same moldy rooftop to face her.

"Well... I got your message," Uta stated, a hand on her microphone cutlass, "What do you want?"

The stranger reached up, pulled down her hood... Uta's eyes widened.

"Boa Hancock?!"

"Uta," Hancock returned with a nod, "We have a common goal, you and I."

Uta blinked twice, before scoffing.

"If this is for a private singing gig, go home. If I'm not gonna become Charlotte Linlin's caged songbird, what makes you think I'd give you the time of day?"

"Because we both want one man," Boa stated, eyes focused and intense, "Monkey D. Luffy!"

Lightning flashed, illuminating the rooftop and Uta's shocked face, just before thunder rolled. Uta's eyes narrowed.

"Luffy... Will be mine alone," Uta hissed, her cutlass out before she even registered it. "All mine."

"And what chance have you of seducing him away from his wife?" Boa asked, firm as solid steel. Uta grit her teeth.

Yesss... Kill the bitch... Sing her funeral dirge as you write it in her blood! Tot Musica moaned in her mind.

"I propose we work together."

Uta blinked. Tot Musica's murderous melody hit a scratch.

Boa nodded.

"With my extensive research into romance," Boa spoke, "I have learned that the childhood friend, such as yourself, will only achieve happiness with her love 20 percent of the time!"

"That-That can't be true!" Uta cried. Boa nodded and sighed.

"Yes... Alas, for the beautiful foreign woman, the odds are scarcely better," she admitted. She took a step forward.

"But together... Our odds of getting Luffy are increased as much as 50 percent! We must-We will work together!"

She shook her fist.

"I have the combat and political power... You have the cultural and economic power. Together, we can crush his wife, and take him for ourselves!"

The lightning flashed again. The thunder roared. The storm was closer. Uta's eyes narrowed.

"How do I know you won't betray me?" She asked.

"You don't," Boa said with a small smirk, "That is the nature of an alliance. In the end..."

Her eyes narrowed as she smiled dangerously.

"The best woman will have him."

Uta's face gained its own dangerous smile.

"I like you, Boa Hancock. If you weren't a snake-loving pirate whore after my man, I might almost respect you."

"Same to you, you psychotic, shrieking bitch," Boa shot back. "Do we have a deal?"

Uta stood still as stone for a moment... Before extending her hand. Hancock reached out, and took it. They shook.

Lightning flashed, thunder rolled, and the two woman turned away from each other to laugh maniacally, each plotting to use and then betray the other at the first opportunity to gain their prize!

"HANCOCK!"

"ACK!" Hancock jumped. She and Uta slowly looked over at Rayleigh and Shakky. Both were standing there in robes, and looking tired and cranky.

"Ah! Rayleigh! Shakky-sama! How did you get here-?!"

"You let us use the luxury cabin on the Perfume Yuda for our honeymoon, remember?" Shakky asked, frowning around her cigarette.

"Th-That was two weeks ago!" Hancock cried. "Don't tell me you've been there all this time?! What have you been doing?!"

The two smirked. Hancock immediately regretted the question and many, many other things.

"Ah! Nevermind!" She said, waving her hands.

"Why are we in Elegia?" Rayleigh asked. "Why are you meeting with Uta at this late hour?"

"Uh-" Uta began, before Hancock seized her and covered her mouth with her hand. "MMPH!"

"We were discussing how much we both like Luffy!" Hancock said cheerfully. "She's his childhood friend and I wanted to know more about him and DEFINITELY not plot against his wife! Not at all! We weren't even thinking about things like that! Not even close! Why would you bring it up?! How silly of you!"

Uta stared up at Boa in utter disbelief. Rayleigh shook his head in amusement, while Shakky sighed, walked up, and wrapped an arm around Hancock's waist.

"Is that so? Well!" And here Shakky's smile became distinctly shark-like, "You two might need to know some things about Rayleigh and I."

"What?" Hancock asked faintly.

"We love each other dearly, of course," Rayleigh said with a smile, "But every so often, we both agree to spice things up in the bedroom-"

"Oh please, Tiamat, no," Hancock moaned.

"Why," Shakky began, "Long ago, we met up with this sea railroad operator near Water 7..."

Uta frantically pulled away, but Hancock held onto her.

"You can't make me stay and listen to this-!" Uta hissed frantically at Hancock.

Hancock scowled and whispered back:

"You have to, it's part of the alliance!"

"When did I agree to that?!"

"When you shook my hand!"

"YOU DIDN'T TELL ME!"

"I DIDN'T HAVE TO!"

"YOU DID!"

"DID NOT!"

"Ladies," Rayleigh chuckled, as Shakky continued her horrific tale, "The less you pay attention, the more we're going to have to repeat the story to you. Best to get through it once."

"Nooooo," Boa and Uta moaned, as Shakky laughed.

Meanwhile, on the Thousand Sunny

Sanji came into Usopp's workshop with a tray of snacks and water. While he much preferred to be making and delivering food and drinks to the ladies onboard, he was still a cook and wanted to make sure his friends were all eating properly.

(Usopp especially, the guy could get so wrapped up in a project he had to be dragged away).

The project he came across was a bit unusual for Usopp though. Franky and Usopp were fussing over little Ace-chan, measuring her arms and waist with tape, while Kine'mon produced some sections of fabric.

"What are you up to?" Sanji asked. Ace-chan beamed up at Sanji.

"Franky 'n Usopp 'n Kiny are makin' me clothes!"

Sanji raised an eyebrow.

"Oh? Really?"

"Well, Nami did buy her some clothes," Usopp explained, "But she outgrew them pretty fast. So we're making some new stuff for her to wear!"

"What do you guys know about fashion?" Sanji deadpanned, setting the tray of snacks down on a nearby table. Ace-chan squealed and ran over to begin shoving them into her mouth. Franky huffed.

"Please! Designing clothing is no different from designing anything else from an engineering perspective!"

"And I used to help Kaya fix her dolls up when I was growing up!" Usopp bragged.

"And of course, if we do this well, we'll get praised by Nami-chan and Robin-chan," Kine'mon sighed happily.

"You bozos don't know anything about fashion!" Sanji declared. "And if anyone's getting praised by the women onboard, it's me!"

Franky snorted.

"Oh yeah? What do you know about fashion aside from bras and panties-?"

"PLENTY!" Sanji nodded. "In fact, I can outdo you dopes any day of the week!"

"Oh yeah?" Usopp asked with a smirk.

"Damn right!" Sanji declared. "Especially when it comes to getting praise from Nami-swan and Robin-swan!"

"ALL RIGHT!" Franky pumped his mighty fists, "Let's see who can outdo whom! And produce the most SUPER children's clothing!"

"Can I have more snacks, Sanji? I ate 'em all," Ace-chan said.

"In a minute, Ace-chan," Sanji said, patting her on the head, "I'm gonna make you the best damn dress you ever saw!"

"Oh! Cool!" Ace cried. Sanji grinned and winked.

"And if you say mine is the best, I'll make you cake-"

"THAT'S BRIBERY!" Franky, Usopp and Kine'mon bellowed.

Later...

"All right, come on out Ace-chan!" Usopp cried. The four men were sitting in chairs in Usopp's workshop. Ace-chan was hiding behind a curtain.

"Okay...!"

She came out in blue overalls, a pink shirt, and goggles. She grimaced.

"Usopp, these goggles make my head hurt."

"Oh, sorry," Usopp said. Franky, Kine'mon, and Sanji booed. "WHAT?!"

"There's no feminine charm!" Sanji declared. "A young lady needs to show off how adorable and pure she is!"

"It's so boring, do you want her to feel like she's not a special young lady?" Kine'mon demanded.

"She literally likes to play with mud," Usopp stated, as he fussed over Ace-chan's goggles, "Hang on, let me make an adjustment... And besides!"

He pointed at Ace-chan's chest, where an embroidered sunflower blazed proudly.

"See? It's simple, it's practical, and it still has a touch of childlike whimsy!"

"It's not tough enough!" Franky declared.

"It's denim!" Usopp protested.

"That's hardly gonna stand up to the harsh elements," Franky said. He got up and guided Ace back behind the curtain. "All right sweetie, try on my outfit!"

A few moments later, Ace-chan emerged again. This time in a blue and red futuristic-looking dress that came down to her knees, matching boots, with a transparent visor, and a rocket pack on her back.

"OOH! COOL!" Ace-chan cried happily.

"Are you insane?" Sanji demanded. "Why would you give her something like that?! You can see her legs! Weird old perverts will be OGLING her!"

"No they won't!" Franky declared. He hit a remote control. "Watch!"

The rocket pack activated, and Ace-chan was sent flying around the room.

"WHEEEEEEEE!" Ace-chan cried.

"AH! THAT'S DEFINITELY NOT SAFE!" Usopp, Kine'mon, and Sanji bellowed.

"She's much safer flying with a rocket pack in advanced polymer clothing than in denim!" Franky shouted.

Sanji caught Ace, turned off the rocket, and set her back behind the curtain.

"All right, all right, let's try my design, okay Ace-chan?"

"Okay Sanji!"

Once again, Ace-chan changed and came out. Her dress was very smart and well fitting-With a bow on the front and her hair up in pigtails. She wore stocking socks, and her dress was an artful design of sharp black, brown and dark blue stripes on a white background. She wore a matching sunhat atop her head. Sanji grinned and stood next to Ace-chan, who twirled around.

"Look! The design is classic neo-modern, with bold color combinations! It's fashionable enough to be worn to formal occasions, but easy enough to move around in for fun and playtime!"

"It's way too busy!" Kine'mon protested.

"Yeah! Besides, she's a kid! She's gonna wreck that dress in no time as she grows!" Franky pointed out.

"The color combination makes her look like a little pin-up girl! Are you trying to be creepy?" Usopp demanded.

"I AM NOT CREEPY!" Sanji declared. "Nami-swan LOVES fashion! I know her eye for fashion because a true gentleman KNOWS how women want to dress! They want to look pretty, even when they're kids!"

"A gentleman, or a guy who likes to fight other men who he hopes won't be gentle," Usopp snickered to Franky. Franky and Kine'mon laughed.

"YOU-DIE!" Sanji bellowed, kicking all three men into the bulkhead. Kine'mon got up first, grinning.

"HA! I shall have my turn, now! Ace-san, please!"

"Um, okay?" Ace managed. She once again went back behind the curtain, and changed. This took her the longest. She emerged in a blue kimono, her hair up in a bun. "Did I do it right?"

"What the hell is that?" Usopp, Franky and Sanji asked. Kine'mon smirked and held his hands out to present Ace-chan.

"This is the same fashion that all young ladies in Wano wear! It's cute, durable, airy enough in times of heat but warm enough for the cold, and easily replaceable! Look! LOOK HOW ADORABLE SHE LOOKS!"

"She's showing off way too much leg, you creep!" Sanji snarled.

"Yeah, I knew Wano men were weirdos," Usopp opined.

"It doesn't even turn into a robot! Or hide swords!" Franky protested.

The four men continued to argue. Ace-chan yawned, and wandered off. Her uncles could be so weird sometimes...