Scorching winds and sand grated against the Empress's golden armor as she set foot upon the tomb of her most beloved (non-traitor) son. Good parents weren't supposed to have favorites, but the Emperor had been an objectively terrible father. The Empress was perhaps better, but she still knew she had enough issues to give even an eldar pause.
The Empress's eyes wandered over the desert wastes and crude dwellings in the distance to the massive Fortress Monastery of the Blood Angels. It was a beautiful structure, and had to constantly be maintained to retain such gilded glory in the harsh desert climate. Great statues of Sanguinius stood atop the cathedral-like building. Appropriate, even if it went against everything Sanguinius had fought for in life.
I SUPPOSE WE CAN FIX IT LATER.
"Fix what, my Empress? Is aught wrong with the construction?"
The Empress turned to look down at the golden masked chapter master of the Blood Angels. Dante had good taste, though he was a little obsessed with red. Why bother with other colors when the objectively superior gold already existed?
FIX THE FACT THAT MY PRECIOUS BABY HAWK BOY IS DEAD.
"Ah, yes, of course. These...goddesses. I do not mean to question my Empress, but is it wise to let such beings near Holy Sanguinius?" Dante asked in a careful tone.
THEY BROUGHT BACK ME AND HEALED ROWBOAT. I HAVE TO TRY.
"Rowboat?" the Empress heard Dante ask one of the other Chapter Masters of the Successors that were escorting the Empress's party up the causeway towards the Dome of the Angel.
"I believe that is Primarch Guilliman. A pet name for her son, perhaps," Gabriel Seth of the Fleshtearers said softly.
The Empress suppressed a wry smile. Pet name. And not what had started out as a hilarious drunken insult from Russ. The Empress wondered briefly what had happened to the closet furry, then set that aside. First things first: Undo her greatest sin.
Well, and enact the next step of her Plan to Save the Galaxy (Again). Both were important, for different reasons.
Within the Dome of the Angel, ranks upon ranks of Sanguinis's sons from across the galaxy waited, with more ringing the cathedral. It was, perhaps, one of the greatest gathering of Space Marines since the Great Crusade 10,000 years ago. There were over 50 chapters represented, most in near their full strength. It had taken months of searching and gathering, but considering crisscrossing the galaxy in the way she had should have taken centuries, the Empress was willing to let that slide.
ARE YOU READY TO QUITE GOOFING OFF AND GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD?
Madoka and Ristarte looked up from where they had been studying the chalice of Sanguinius's blood, and nodded.
"We haven't exactly been playing, but this is sufficient. With just the two of us, gathering the Soul Fragments and then reconstructing the body will take us a while," Ristarte informed the Empress.
Madoka nodded, looking concerned. "You'll need to keep an eye out. You can sense it, can't you?"
THE FOUR ASS PIMPLES ARE PAYING ATTENTION. THEY KNOW SOMETHING IS UP. The Empress looked around, then smirked. I'D LIKE TO SEE THEM TRY SOMETHING WITH THIS MANY OF MY SPACE MARINES AROUND.
"We have fought off incursions from those treacherous scum before," Dante confirmed. "We will stand fast, My Empress."
"We'd best get started then. I'd like to wait for Aqua, she's something of a savant at healings and resurrections but-" Madoka trailed off, then looked upwards.
YES. I SENSE IT AS WELL. GET STARTED WITH THE RITUAL, the Empress ordered she turned to the Blood Angels and their successors, drawing and raising her golden sword. SEEMS LIKE SOMEONE'S ABOUT TO CRASH THIS PARTY. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THEM. WHO'S READY TO HELP ME TELL CHAOS TO GET THE HELL OFF SANGUINIUS'S LAWN?
"FOR SANGUINUS AND THE EMPRESS!" the space marines thundered, then hurried to defensive positions.
The Empress herself moved forward to where Canoness Temperance and her sisters waited just outside the Cathedral. They'd brought along plenty of girls to the party, and looked particularly eager to be around when the Imperiums Most Eligible Bachelor made his triumphant return. Or maybe they were hoping for a bachelorette. With that wacko priestess that tagged along with them, the Empress wasn't sure. She wondered how she would feel if Madoka botched this and turned her hawkboy into a hawkgirl.
Well at least Aqua wasn't there, so things might actually go right for once.
THE ENEMY APPROACHES. DO NOT LET THEM GET NEAR THIS PLACE, the Empress ordered.
"It shall be as you Command, my Liege," Temperance swore, kneeling along with many of the Sisters.
That line made a pang go through the Empress. She wondered how her Kitten was doing. Maybe he could negotiate something with the blue fish people. Either way, he was safe from what was about to happen. The Empress was going to lose a lot of sons this day, one way or another. Losing Kittenus would just make it worse.
And having a bunch of xenos around would just muddy the waters.
Speaking of sons…
"Ah, a glorious day for battle, is it not, chums?" Lion boomed, gazing up to where the Warp had begun to roil above them.
"Yes, you know us, always eager to prove our loyalty!" Azrael chuckled nervously.
The Empress gave him a level look, which just made the Dark Angels sweat. She was beginning to have deep reservations about these clowns, but the best place to keep them was nearby. No telling what might happen otherwise.
"Don't worry, Azrael, we are Knights for JUSTICE!" the especially annoying witch girl that followed Madoka around proclaimed. The Empress had not bothered to remember her or the other ones name, save for Mami, who both understood the superiority of gold and had some damn manners.
WELL WE'RE ABOUT TO BE DEEP IN THE SHIT, BUCK UP BUTTERCUP, the Empress ordered. Then she raised her hands, focusing as the materium above them ruptured and hundreds, then thousands of warships appeared.
MOMMA SAYS TAKE A DIRT NAP.
The first few ships, the Empress simply ripped to shreds. No subtly, no finesse, just raw, brute force. It felt good, to simply cut loose. She crumpled a battlebarge like it was an old newspaper, then sent two others slamming into one another with enough force that their superstructures shattered along their spines. A fourth one she made take a nose dive into a larger ship, causing the smaller one to turn to flinders, while the larger ship staggered and leaked air and occupants into the void.
Then the Empress sagged, breathing hard. More than that, she could not draw at the moment, her powers flagging.
"The Empress smites our foes from the very skies! Sing praises to her name!" Temperance cried, and the Sisters of Battle and even the Blood Angels began to recite (edited) canticles of praise.
That still made the hackles on the back of the Empress's neck rise, but she forced herself to calm. She could feel that power they were offering. Her time with Madoka had been instructive in that regard. But she didn't intend those prayers to be towards herself or much longer. That was why they were here, after all. One more great miracle.
Anti-orbital defenses roared and thundered, and more debris filled the upper atmosphere of Baal. That, however, did little to deter the various warp portals that formed across the planet's surface.
SO IT BEGINS, the Empress grunted, getting back on her feet and watching as the great warmachines of the Blood Angels opened fire, slaughtering those who should have been their brothers.
She had known this happened. Had seen from afar as traitor legions crashed together, even recalled the Siege of Terra, though she had barely been involved in that, having been a bit preoccupied with keeping reality from being rent asunder. She was still doing that, in a way. A portion of her power remained behind on Terra. But now, she was in the thick of it.
At first it was still distant. Traitor space marines, chaos cultists, and demons of many stripes were blasted to bits by artillery fire. Then they grew closer. Humans slaughtered humans, astares murdered astartes. Sanguinius' sons and her other forces began to perish as well.
They could not be saved. They had to die.
And the Empress could not stand aside from those who came for her this time.
LION. WITH ME. CANONESS, BRING YOUR SISTERS AND AN HONOR GUARD.
"We can't leave Madoka!" Mami called, firing her obsolete firearms. The Empress really needed to speak to Madoka about advancing her forces' technical capabilities.
THEN STAY. THIS IS SOMETHING I MUST SEE TO MYSELF.
"Come on, lads! Time to put pay to my evil brothers!" Lion laughed, the battle joy taking him already.
The Empress grunted and strode forward into hell, legions of Space Marines advancing around her as Sisters of Battle acting as her personal retainers. They would likely not survive this day. The Empress should have felt nothing to know their deaths were coming. Thousands, millions humans died for her every day, as they had for millenia. But these felt more personal, somehow. Just as the death of Ollinius Pius (and the near death of that horny idiot Santodes) had meant more than all the slaughter before it at the Battle of Terra.
"They do matter to me, Madoka. Damn you, they do matter," the Empress muttered to herself as she strode forward to slaughter her wayward children.
For the World Eaters had arrived on Baal. The first wave of the Chaos Gods' faithful.
AT LEAST ANGRON IS AS SHIT WITH WORKING WITH OTHERS AS EVER, the Empress mused as a warband of World Eaters and Blood Thirsters burst from the ruined city, screaming BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD and charging forward.
"Oh he wasn't so bad once!" Lion laughed, taking the head of two World Eater Champions at a stroke. "A few anger issues, but he was far from the worst of my brothers! I look forward to taking his head from his body and bringing him to justice!"
ODD CHOICE OF WORDS, the Empress grunted, reducing another squad of their foes to ash with a swipe of her flaming sword.
"Well, I prefer to remember my brothers at their best, rather than the corrupted versions that now parade about now," Lion mused as he dueled three more World Eater's champions at once. He almost sounded bored and disappointed at his foes skills. "They all had their good qualities. Except for Horus. I never knew what you saw in him, the man was a petty ass."
FUCKING HORUS, the Empress agreed. Though privately, she knew what she had seen in Horus. A man who could be everything she was not. Personable. Caring. Decisive. Who loved to lead, and to whom the burden she was giving him would rest lightly. More fool her. Or him. The Empress supposed a little identity dissociation with her past self was healthy. Especially as she had spent about ten millennia as a corpse.
While the Lion and the Empress could casually discuss things while slaughtering countless foes, their followers were not so preternaturally skilled. The Sisters fought heroically and well, but even their faith and the presence of their god could do so much against the World Eaters. Even the various sons of Sanguinius fighting as one legion were only an even match for the rage and brutality of the World Eaters and their demonic cohorts.
And then Angron himself charged the line of battle, screaming in rage.
"WHERE IS MY FATHER!?" his voice boomed. "I WILL HAVE HIS HEAD, AS PAYMENT FOR THE DEBT HE OWES ME!"
Now it was the turn of the World Eaters to slaughter their foes indiscriminately, for they had a primarch of their own now. Angron was accompanied by fully a dozen bloodthirsters and other champions of Khorne, including one particularly swell guy.
The Empress, even in the heat of battle, closed her eyes for an instant. She allowed herself a single tear. She had known this was likely to happen. The Chaos gods would not simply let her have another of her sons back, and she had been painfully obvious about what she was doing her on Baal for long enough to get even the most idiotic of the tumors to figure out what was going on.
Then she opened her eyes and strode forward, laying waste to all before her as she went to meet her son's challenge.
I AM HERE, ANGRON. NOW TAKE A CHILL PILL, AND GET READY FOR YOUR SPANKINGS.
"WHAT TRICKERY IS THIS!? YOU'RE NOT MY FATHER!" Angron bellowed, but came forward anyway, butchering Sanguinary Guard and terminator marines with a swing of his axe as he went.
"Mother! Let me face him!" Lion cried, rushing to the Empress's side.
NO. DEAL WITH KHARN THE BETRAYER. REALLY, SHOULD HAVE SEEN THAT ONE COMING. I THOUGHT EVEN KHORN WOULD THINK THAT ONE WAS TOO OBVIOUS, BUT SHOWS WHAT I KNOW.
"STAND ASIDE, FALSE KNIGHT! MY QUARREL IS WITH FATHER ALONE!" Angron seethed, dashing forward to meet the Empress.
GOT SOMETHING ELSE IN MY PANTS NOW, ANGRON, The Empress grunted as she met the assault. Angron was good with his axes. She was rusty, but that didn't matter. She could finish this.
"I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU HAVE IN YOUR PANTS, ALL THAT MATTERS IS YOU'RE THE BASTARD WHO KILLED ALL MY FRIENDS! THOSE THAT I LOVED ABOVE ALL OTHERS! YOU TOSSED THEM ASIDE, AND THEN YOU TOSSED ME ASIDE WHEN I WAS NO LONGER USEFUL!" Angron raged, attacking in blind fury. Even then, his strokes had a fitness to them.
TOO BAD. I WAS GOING TO SAY WHAT I HAD IN MY PANTS WAS AN ASSKICKING. THANKS FOR RUINING MY WITTY ONE LINER.
"YOU DESTROYED MY LIFE! YOU TOOK EVERYTHING FROM ME AND GAVE ME ONLY DEATH AND RAGE! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME, CORPSE GOD, AND KNOW THAT THIS IS WHAT YOU WROUGHT!"
The Empress sent one of Angron's axes spinning from his grasp with a blast of Warp power, then caught the other on her blade. She did look. At what had once been her son. His body was as twisted as his mind now. The Butcher's Nails had driven him mad, but now he was a demon, his body red and distorted by the fury within.
All her plans to simply kill Angron fled. She had considered this path, but dismissed it. Angron was too far gone. What had once been her son was now a gut wrenching abomination, and she felt hot tears on her cheeks. He was a horror beyond redemption. But perhaps that didn't matter. She had to try anyway.
"I know. I'm sorry. I was wrong," the Empress said softly.
Angron paused, his rage momentarily replaced by befuddlement. "What?"
The Empress heaved, sending Angron staggering back. Around them, dozens died by the moment, demons and Blood Angels, World Eaters and Sisters of Battle. More were dying across the planet. The rest of the Empress's wayward children would come soon. She had to finish this. But she took the time to give Angron what she owed him. And not just a clean death.
I WAS WRONG! The Empress roared, and around the primarch and his progenitor, the fighting ceased. Kharn and Lion paused, the only sound now the revving of chain axes and the crackling of power weapons.
"Could you say that...one more time?" Angron said slowly, stupidly, tilting his head to one side. "I think I misheard."
I WAS WRONG. I WAS WRONG TO MAKE YOU LEAVE YOUR FRIENDS ON NUCERIA. I WAS WRONG TO PLUCK YOU AWAY FROM THE ONLY FAMILY YOU KNEW AND DOOM THE GLADIATORS YOU CALLED FAMILY TO DEATH WHEN IT WOULD HAVE BEEN TRIVIAL TO SAVE THEM. I WAS WRONG TO LEAVE THE BUTCHER'S NAILS IN YOUR HEAD. I WAS WRONG TO NOT GIVE YOU TIME TO MOURN. I WAS WRONG TO DUMP YOU IN COMMAND OF MEN YOU DESPISED. I WAS WRONG TO SEND YOU INTO MORE SLAUGHTER WHEN YOU HAD ALREADY HAD GROWN SICK OF IT. AND MOST OF ALL...I WAS WRONG TO NEVER TELL YOU I LOVED YOU, AND THAT I WAS PROUD OF YOU.
"AND YOU LEFT THAT FESTERING BOIL TO ROT, NOT EVEN PUNISHING THE BASTARDS THAT DID THIS TO ME!" Angron raged, pointing to the nails in his head. "YOU DIDN'T CARE ABOUT ANY OF IT!"
NO. YOU'RE RIGHT. I DIDN'T CARE. I SAW YOU AS A TOOL, AND NUCERIA AS A MORE IMPORTANT PRIZE THAN YOUR FAMILY, OR EVEN JUSTICE. I WAS WRONG. WHAT I DID WAS TERRIBLE. AND I HAVE TO BEG YOUR FORGIVENESS.
"About fucking time," Kharn growled. He shouldered his axe, and nodded to Lion. "Good fight. I'm out."
"I...beg pardon?" Lion asked.
"Been pissed about this shit for too long. Hey, Corpse God, I get an apology too?" Kharn called.
SURE. I'M SORRY I DIDN'T TELL YOU THAT YOU WERE BASICALLY DOOMED TO SERVE THE BLOOD GOD FROM THE START WITH A NAME LIKE YOURS. SHOULD HAVE MADE YOU CHANGE YOUR NAME TO DAISY MCPEACELOVER.
"Right. Ok, we're good. Sorry Angron. I have cleaned up your messes and put up with your temper tantrums for too long. Sort this cluster fuck out yourself. I'm done."
"WHERE...WHERE ARE YOU GOING, KHARN?" Angron demanded, sounding bewildered.
"Betraying you, obviously. Seems like a good time to do it. Dunno what I'm going to do now. Maybe go steal another commissar cap and slaughter some guardsmen. That's always fun. Maybe I'll go fight orks for a few centuries. Those guys know what's up. Or, maybe I'll fucking retire and do some dynamite fishing for a millenium. Point is, fuck you, you walking disaster zone. I kept your legion together and restrained your pet murder captain for too long. You killed everyone I cared about, Angron. Go fuck yourself. You're as bad as your father. Mother. Whatever. I don't care anymore."
Then Kharn flipped off all assembled, then paused, lowering his finger when he came to Lion. "You're alright. Just...lay of the bit, will you? You're not the goddamn Superfriends. You're the Primarch of the Dark Angels. Sheesh."
After that, Kharn walked away.
"Should...we let him go?" a blood thirster asked Angron.
"My Empress, should we simply let the Betrayer leave?" Canoness Temperance asked, frowning as the Betrayer retreated.
SURE. SEEMS LIKE A SWELL GUY.
"I KNOW, RIGHT? CAN'T BELIEVE HE BETRAYED ME. THAT PART ABOUT BEING AS BAD AS YOU...THAT HURT. REAL STAB IN THE BACK," Angron said, sounding deflated. He turned back to the Empress, scratching his head. "SO...NOW WE GO BACK TO TRYING TO MURDER ONE ANOTHER?"
WE DON'T HAVE TO. YOU COULD FORGIVE ME, the Empress pointed out.
Angron considered this for a moment, looking around at the rest of the World Eaters.
"Blood for the Blood God?" one offered.
"YEAH. YEAH! SKULLS FOR THE SKULL-"
Lion stepped in, slapping Angron fully across the face. "Still. Still you serve your anger, brother?"
"GET OUT OF MY WAY, LION. I NEVER LIKED YOUR ARROGANT ASS, BUT YOU WERE TOLERABLE. MY QUARREL IS WITH THE MONSTER THAT DARES CALL ITSELF MY PARENT."
"Then you quarrel with all mankind. Don't you see? You're doing what she just apologized for! Sacrificing everything for another goal. At least the Emperor was striving to unite mankind and save the galaxy from the gods of the Warp!" Lion snarled as he and Angron exchanged blows.
"YOU THINK ONE APOLOGY, ONE MOMENT OF RECALCITRANCE IS PAYMENT FOR THE LIFETIMES OF SUFFERING I HAVE ENDURED? FOR THE DEATHS OF ALL I LOVED?"
"No! But it's a start, you fool! What justice is there in killing the Empress? Didn't the Emperor die and suffer for his sins on the Golden Throne?" Lion demanded.
"YES. BUT THEN THOUSAND YEARS IS NOT ENOUGH!" Angron finally overwhelmed Lion, driving him back and raising his axe for a mortal blow.
NOPE. The Empress slammed Angron to the ground with all her psychic, then grabbed his head. I'LL BE TAKING THESE.
Angron screamed in rage as the battle resumed, ferocious as ever, but the Emperor didn't let him up. ALRIGHT. IT'S TIME TO DUEL.
"WHAT ARE YOU BABBLING ABOUT?" Angron hissed, struggling under the Emperor's will.
HEY. WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO GET SOME ATTENTION HERE? WE HAVE LITERAL MOUNTAINS OF SKULLS NOW. DON'T MAKE ME START SINGING SWEET HOME ALABAMA. I KNOW YOU LOVE THAT SHIT, AND I WILL TELL LITERALLY EVERYONE.
"WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?" Angron demanded, still unable to rise, and bleeding from where the butcher's nails had been removed. "SHOULDN'T I BE DEAD NOW WITH THOSE OUT?"
PROBABLY, BUT I'M KEEPING YOU ALIVE. SO MAYBE STOP TRYING TO KILL ME.
"I DON'T CARE IF I DIE AS LONG AS I TAKE YOU WITH ME!"
THIS IS GETTING ANNOYING. ALRIGHT, HERE GOES. HEY, EVERYONE, KHORN DOESN'T ACTUALLY LIKE METAL. HE PREFERS-
The battle suddenly slowed to a crawl, then froze, color leaching out of it. A burning head appeared, glaring at the Empress and Angron.
OK OK OK. SHEESH. NEVER SHOULD HAVE POSTED THAT ON MYSPACE. DIDN'T EVEN THINK AN ANTISOCIAL SHIT LIKE YOU WOULD BE ON THERE.
"KHORN! I KNEW YOU WOULDN'T LEAVE ME! HELP ME KILL THE EMPEROR!"
BIT LATE ON THAT ONE, KID. BESIDES, YOU KNOW I HATE WEAKLINGS, AND RIGHT NOW, YOU LOOK PRETTY DAMN WEAK, the Blood God told Angron, frowning at him. Khorn looked at the Empress, scowling. WELL? GET IT OVER WITH. I'M CERTAINLY NOT GOING TO STOP YOU.
"WHAT?! HOW COULD YOU! I WAS YOUR CHAMPION, I-"
YOUR SUGAR DADDY DOESN'T LOVE YOU. NEVER HAS, the Empress told Angron. I, ON THE OTHER HAND, DO. AND I'M WILLING TO RISK EVERYTHING TO SAVE YOU.
"SAVE ME!? YOU DAMNED ME! HOW COULD YOU EVER FREE ME?"
YEAH, KID'S RIGHT ABOUT THIS ONE. YOU GOT NOTHING I WANT. BESIDES YOUR LIFE, AND I DOUBT YOU'RE GOING TO SWEAR TO SERVE ME, Korn said, chuckling darkly.
BETTER. I OFFER YOU MY POWER. ALL OF IT. IN EXCHANGE FOR MY SON'S LIFE, the Empress said, staring up at Khorn's visage.
WOAH! NOW THAT I LIKE! OK, DEAL!
"WHAT? FATHER- MOTHER, YOU DO THAT, AND KHORN WILL KILL YOU AND ME ANYWAY! THAT'S WHAT HE DOES!" Angron protested. Then he considered. "ACTUALLY, I'M OK WITH THIS. DO IT. FINALLY I'LL HAVE MY VENGEANCE."
WHICH IS WHY WE'RE NOT DOING A STRAIGHT TRADE. THIS IS A WAGER. SAME DEAL I MADE WITH TZEENTCH FOR MAGNUS'S SOUL.
Korn regarded the Empress as Angron shifted under her. "WAIT. YOU SAVED MAGNUS? I THOUGHT-"
YEAH, DIDN'T TELL YOU KID, BUT A WHILE BACK SKELLY DAD GAVE MAGNUS HIS SOUL BACK AND TRICKED THAT OVERGROWN HUCKSTER. MOST HILARIOUS SHIT I'VE SEEN IN AGES. BUT I'M NOT STUPID. THIS IS A SUCKER'S BET.
WHAT DO YOU STAND TO LOSE? The Empress prodded. SURE, YOU'LL LOSE ANGRON'S SOUL. BUT YOU'LL LOSE HIM EITHER WAY IF I JUST KILL HIM, WHICH IF I HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE, I WILL DO. BUT, IF YOU WIN, YOU GET MY POWER. AND THAT'S ENOUGH TO SLAUGHTER YOUR SUPPOSED SIBLINGS.
WE'RE NOT RELATED. BUT YEAH. THAT WOULD BE WORTH IT. I'D KILL EVERY LAST LIVING THING IN THE GALAXY. BE SICK.
"WOULDN'T THAT END IN YOUR DESTRUCTION TOO?" Angron asked, once more confused.
EH. MAYBE. I HAVEN'T GIVEN IT MUCH THOUGHT. JUST SOUNDS AWESOME TO MURDER EVERYTHING. HMMM. RIGHT. BUT I GET TO NAME THE GAME.
AS LONG AS IT'S A FAIR GAME, the Empress agreed.
YEAH, YEAH. HMMM. NOW WHAT TO PICK?
I PLAYED TZEENTCH AT PARADOX-BILLIARDS-VOSTROYAN-ROULETTE-FOURTH-DIMENSIONAL-HYPERCUBE-CHESS-STRIP POKER.
THAT GAME IS FOR PUSSIES. WELL, I GUESS YOU ARE ONE NOW, HEH.
WOW. I'D BE OFFENDED BUT I'D MAKE THE SAME JOKE IN YOUR SHOES. STILL, THAT'S PRETTY WEAK.
OH FUCK YOU. WEAK IS SITTING ON THE CAN FOR TEN THOUSAND YEARS. HMMM. I'VE GOT IT! THERE'S ONLY ONE GAME FIT FOR A CONTEST OF THIS MAGNITUDE!
COUNTRY KARAOKE?
FUCK YOU, I'M BITCHIN' AT OUR SONG, BUT YOU'RE A CHICK NOW AND THAT'S CHEATING FOR TAY-TAY. NO WAY, WE'RE PLAYING THE GREATEST GAME EVER INVENTED!
SETTLERS OF CATAN? WE SHOULD DEAL IN A COUPLE MORE PEOPLE, WE-
NO, FUCK OFF. WE'RE PLAYING AGE OF SIGMAR!
WAIT. WHAT?
Khorn himself suddenly appeared, dressed in jeans and a long sleeve flannel shirt. Half moon spectacles were perched on his nose, which he adjusted. HELL YEAH. THIS 40K SHIT HAS TOO MUCH SHOOTING. WE'RE GOING TO PLAY A MAN'S GAME! ONE WHERE THERE'S PLENTY OF MELEE, AND LOTS OF KILLING. NONE OF THIS FEEL NO PAIN, INVUL SAVE CRAP. AND WOUNDS TRANSFER MODELS! IF I KILL ONE GUY DEAD, I'M GOING TO KEEP CLEAVING AND KILL HIS BUDDY.
SO WE'RE GOING TO PLAY...A TABLETOP STRATEGY GAME? NAMED AFTER ME, I MIGHT ADD.
OH SCREW YOU. I BET YOU THINK I'M GOING TO BE PLAYING BLADES OF KHORN, RIGHT? Khorn taunted.
THAT WOULD BE THE LOGICAL CHOICE, YEAH.
WELL SCREW YOU! I'M PLAYING DAUGHTERS OF KHAIN! WE'RE GYM BUDDIES AND HE GOT ME INTO THE HOBBY, THOUGH HE STILL BITCHES ABOUT SQUARE BASES. OLD FART.
The blood god produced several trays, and conjured up a table with blood soaked terrain and marked objectives.
OH, AND IF YOU DON'T HAVE A PAINTED ARMY, YOU AUTOMATICALLY START BEHIND ME. HEH, BET YOU REGRET SAYING I COULD NAME THE GAME NOW, HUH? WELL, NEXT TIME YOU TRY TO OUT SMART KHORN, I-
I'M PLAYING STORMCAST ETERNALS, the Empress declared, slamming down a tray of gold painted armored warriors.
...WELL HOT DAMN! WE GOT OURSELVES A GAME! THE PRIZE: ONE WEAKLING WITH ANGER MANAGEMENT PROBLEMS!
"I GUESS THIS IS MY LIFE NOW," Angron muttered as the Empress and Kharn began to carefully set their forces out, then roll for deployment.
STOP WHINING. IF I WIN YOU'LL BE FREE.
"I STILL WANT TO KILL YOU."
WE'LL ADDRESS THAT. IN THE MEANTIME, HELP ME FIND MY LUCKY DICE. I KNOW IT'S AROUND HER SOMEWHERE. IT'S THE ONE MADE OF SOLID GOLD.
"THERE ARE OTHER COLORS, YOU KNOW."
YES. AND THEY EXIST SOLEY TO PROVE GOLD IS THE SUPERIOR OPTION.
Author's Note:
Sorry this chapter took so long. I've been rather sick, having spent some time in the hospital. I'm mostly better now, and hopefully there will be more to follow before too long.